How much of your stress, frustration, disappointment, anger, irritation, foul mood comes from one little thing?

Almost all of it comes from your expectations, and, when things (inevitably) don’t turn out as we expect, from wishing things were different.

We build these expectations in our heads of what other people should do, what our lives should be like or look like, how other drivers should behave . . . and yet it’s all in our fantasy. It’s not real.

And when reality doesn’t meet our fantasy, we wish the world were different.

Here’s a simple solution:

Take your expectations and throw them in the ocean. Picture all the expectations you have for yourself, your life, your spouse, your kids, your coworkers, your job, the world. Take them from inside of you and toss them in the ocean. A river or lake will also do.

What happens to them? They float. They’re carried around by waves. The current takes them out, and they drift away. Let them be washed away by the cleansing waters, and let them go. Now live your life without them.

What’s a life without expectations like?

You accept reality as it is, and people as they are, without trying to force them into the containers that you have created for them. You see things as they are. You don’t need to be disappointed or frustrated or angry—or if
you are, you accept it, and then let it go.

That’s not to say that you never act—you can act in a way that’s in accordance with your values and you can influence the world, but never have any expectations of how the world will react to your actions.

Here’s an experiment for you: Live one day without any expectations at all.

• If you do something good,  don’t expect praise or appreciation. Let those expectations of reward and praise float away with the waves.
• If you drive to the office by car don’t expect the streets to be without any traffic jam. If you travel by plane don’t expect to be taking off on time.
• If you buy something in the supermarket don’t expect to get through the checkout quickly. If you eat in a fine restaurant don’t expect the waiter to be  there immediately.
• If you return home don’t expect your spouse to be in a relaxed friendly mood.

Pay attention to your thoughts. Don’t victimize yourself if you have expectations. Just be aware of them. Then toss them in the ocean.

Notice when you start to wish things weren’t the way they are.The traffic jam. Your stressed spouse. The delayed plane. The long queue at the counter.

If you wish someone else didn’t do something, notice that. You have expectations, and you wish people or the world could meet them instead of doing what they actually do. Toss those wishes in the ocean, too. Now accept things and move on.

Get the following crystal-clear.

Your expectations are just your expectations. They are not the truth. They are your perspective, your perception of how something ought to be. Nothing  more.

If you have expectations of others, you often believe they’re your right.

•  You ask the shop assistant a friendly question and you expect a friendly response.
•   You have completed a difficult job and expect a word of recognition from your boss.
•   You drive an extra half hour on the busy highway and expect a jam-free ride.
•   You start your PC and expect it to do it in a snap.

But your expectations are not a legal claim. Your expectations are simply your desires and ideas. Other people and reality may act accordingly, but they do not have to.

Try it out for a day. (If you are fearful, make it half a day). Have your expectations of others and yourself – and then let them go.

Discover that the world continues to turn. That nothing bad happens. Perhaps something different than what you imagined or wanted. But nothing more will happen. You accept what happens – and move on.

And what’s with the expectations others have of you?

The good news: the expectations others have of you also are just wishes. You do not have to meet them.

The bad news: most people don’t know that. They believe that their expectations are objective, lawful, normal and justified.

You now know better so you can act wisely. When you feel dependent, for example in your job, meet the expectations of others as they are compatible with your values.

When you do not feel dependent, try not to fulfill the expectations of others, if you do not want to. And watch what happens. You’ll learn a lot about how others define their relationship to you.

Conclusion:

This experiment is not easy. Especially if you have a tendency o fbeing right, or you like to take control, because otherwise you feel helpless.

Observe your reactions – and stay calm. It is an experiment, just for a day. Tomorrow you can do everything the way you’re used to again.

Write a comment with which expectation you want to experiment?

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Images: © R. Kopp-Wichmann
This article is based on a chapter
from this book by Leo Babauta, I’ve added.

“Living mindfully” is a new series of posts
I will publish at irregular intervals.

Procrastination is not a form of laziness. No lack of self-discipline. It also no character trait. It’s not even your problem. It’s your solution!

“Excuse me?” is probably what you’re thinking now.

Yes, that’s right: procrastination is your best solution – for certain situations anyway. Of course it isn’t the best solution you can imagine or that you want. But it’s the best solution – within your possibilities at hand.

For what is procrastination your best solution?
Well, putting things off probably helps you:

• to regulate unpleasant emotions,
• to avoid certain fears,
• to boost your self-esteem (by resisting),
• not always needing to function,
• to nourish the illusion that everything in life should be fun.

Of course procrastination has its price.
Missed appointments, unfulfilled tasks, accusations from others, nagging feelings of guilt, enormous stress, even if you make it in time under pressure.

But you take all that into consideration.
Because you’re well acquainted with the  the disadvantages and you are used to the emotions that are accompanied by them. And because putting things off is your best solution. I other words: because you don’t really have a clue WHY you procrastinate in the first place.

As long as you don’t know for what procrastination actually is your best solution you don’t have a choice.
It may seem ridiculous to you – but you still can’t change anything.
Instead you need to find out:

• what kind of psychological benefit you get out of procrastination.
• What the connection between your self-esteem and your procrastination is.
• Which unconscious fears procrastination helps you to avoid.
  (guckst-du-hier- für- passendes- Foto- auf- Englisch statt „jein“Würfel = http://www.flickr.com/photos/benheine/5338349795/

I can imagine you may have already been through some anti-procrastination training. You’ve read books, asked friends, made New Year’s resolutions: There’ve been quite some helpful tips, too – but you’ve put off the putting it all that into action.

I’m quite familiar with all that. I too used to be a procrastinator.
And even today it still happens to me every once in a while. That’s how I know most tricks, excuses and loop-holes. That’s why I also refrained from bringing another book on the market. Instead I’ve created a training that’s supposed to make it easier on procrastinators:

An effective e-mail training  in 10 lessons.

Also not a canny book that you need to order or buy and read 180 pages for days – or longer. But I’ve created a course for you, which consists of individual, short lessons. Where all you need to do is read a few pages – and then you can immediately try something out.

And then four days later you receive a new lesson, which contains helpful background information and one thing you can put into practice on the spot.

And not via snail mail but via e-mail. The big advantage is that you can basically access it anywhere. And which you stick to. A book may collect dust on your desk or might be buried underneath new books you also want to read.

The e-mail lesson kindly reminds you every four days that you were eager to change something about your habit to procrastinate. It’ll take you only 6 weeks. That’s long enough for you to build up new behavior and better habits.

The training is called:

How to beat procrastination in six weeks –
and get your most important task done.

A daring promise, you think?

True. But of course I’m no miracle worker. You won’t read about magical wonders where all you need to do is read about them and everything will get better automatically. The essential lies with you and your determination to change something in your life.

But I will show you a concrete practicable path which I myself overcame my procrastination with. And which many of my participants and coaching clients have taken and won the battle over procrastination with.

And here’s what you’ll get:

1. You’ll learn about the reasons that lies behind your procrastination. Usually I t turns out to be an unconscious inner conflict or a fear that you don’t really know yet. In this e-mail training you’ll find out what the most common fears concerning this problem are.

2. You’ll learn about a simple but effective method which I have made the best experiences with. I actually created this training within two week s next to my daily work.

3. You’ll find out what your one or two most important goals are in the near future. Plus how you will find the time during your daily routine to follow up on these goals.

4. You get 10 lessons, each about 7-14 PDF-pages long. You’ll discover the best methods and tips, which I’ve successfully tested myself or with many of my clients.

5. At the end of each lesson there’s a sheet to help you realize my methods and tips. It’s supposed to help you put what you’ve read into action right away. Because you won’t change anything just by reading.

The support is designed in a way, so that you can integrate it perfectly in your daily routine – yet experiencing that it makes a true difference. In the Premium-Version you additionally receive:

• The complete e-book with 116 pages as a PDF file with all 10 lessons and support aids at the end of the training. You can have it made into a nice and handy workbook at the copy shop around the corner for a few dollars. Thus you have a nice book in case you want to work on this topic again in the future.

Here’s the content of the 10 lessons:

1. Why procrastinating harms you.
2. A simple method.
3. How you will find your most important task of project
4. How to find your best time
5. How you learn to focus
6. Which fears lie behind your procrastination.
7. How you can reduce friction, to reach your goals.
8. Why too many options don’t get you anywhere.
9. More tips to conquer procrastination
10. How you can change bad habits.

You can download a 13-page summary as a PDF file of the entire e-mail training with a lot of tips for no-crastination

How much do you need to invest?

The e-mail training is not really cheap.
Not because all I’m interested in is to make a lot of money with it, but because I sincerely want you to get a grip on your procrastination problem. (And if you’re ever on the verge of giving up, you get so resentful because of the money you’ve invested, that you get back up on your feet and go through with it after all.)

That’s why I ask you – if all you want is to read something interesting about procrastination, then do yourself a favor and don’t buy my e-mail training.  It would be money thrown down the drain. There are many paperbacks on the topic that are less expensive.

If you really want to get a hold of your problem and are willing to change something then your money is well-invested. (So far in Germany over 200 people have ordered this course in and all I’m getting is positive feedback on the effectiveness of the training).

You will definitely understand yourself better and what important role procrastinating plays in your life – or used to play in your life. And you can change it.

Is this email-course a good idea for me?

This e-mail training is tailor-made for you if

• you put off important tasks often or take care of many things at the last minute;
• you find yourself overwhelmed from the size of your tasks or your to-do lists;
• you find yourself under time pressure, stress or suffer from perfectionism;
• it’s hard for you to set important priorities in your professional as well as in your private life;
• you can’t seem to find any time or energy for important goals due to an overload of “daily routine“;
• you keep putting off important goals, dreams or plans over and over again;
• you don’t have any goals, dreams or plans for your life at all.

And now?

You have three options:
1. You’ve decided that  you don’t need anything like that.
2. You realize that you do need this e-mail training but you put it off once more.
3. You realize that you do need this e-mail training and you order it right here and now:

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Motivation, wealth, luck, losing weight, health, fitness, a long life, satisfied employees — the list of what people want to change is long.  Thousands of guidebooks offer their support. Most theories, suggestions and tools aren’t new – but they come along in a new outfit.

I, too, listen to many people in my coaching sessions who tell me that they want to change something. But most of the people who have problems won’t come after all. Some of them are happy with their life, yet many of them aren’t.

I got stuck pondering on the question how we can actually avoid change. And not only as private persons but also as freelancers or managers doing their job or be it an organization.

For the answer to this question I find the model of competence development very helpful. The model differentiates between four levels:

1. UNCONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE

You don’t actually know that you are lacking something or rather that you have a problem at all.

• If you don’t get your blood pressure checked you may not find out that it’s too high.
• If you’re still living with your parents at 40 because paying rent is terribly expensive and no one else makes a better pot roast than your mom, then you’ve not understood that you still need to detach yourself from mommy and daddy.
• If you jokingly put on your neighbor’s glasses you might realize that you’re nearsighted.
•  If you’re ranting about all the oncoming vehicles you may very well overhear them calling you out on the radio.

Naturally you cannot do anything about it since you don’t realize that you even have a problem. Unfortunately those people overestimate themselves. They replace a lack of knowledge with self-confidence.

This phenomenon also has a name. It’s called: Dunning-Kruger-Effect.

• Many adolescent motorcyclists pay for this level of unconscious incompetence with their life.
• If a manager chooses to ignore the high fluctuation rate in his department, he won’t be able to do anything about it.

2. CONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE

In this case you are aware of your deficiencies, but you pay no attention to them. Acquiring the accordant information or abilities is too strenuous for you. The following efforts as well. That’s what Laurence J. Peters probably figured when he stated his famous Peter-Principle:

“Everyone will keep on being promoted until he has reached his level of inability.”

• The gifted surgeon will get a promotion as assistant medical director but has actually never learned to lead people or manage his department.
•  Or as Scott Adams once said: “Leadership is nature’s way of removing morons from the production flow.“

3. CONSCIOUS COMPETENCE

At this stage you have understood or know exactly how you can reach your goal. But don’t master it yet, which is why you need concentration, awareness and patient practice.

• You practice a new, difficult composition on the piano.
• If there is trouble with the interfaces in your project work, communication and investigation become indispensible.

4. UNCONSCIOUS COMPETENCE:

This is the expert level. You have gained so much practical experience and intuition for certain things that you don’t even have to think about them anymore. You just do them.

• Whether playing golf, kite-surfing or any other type of sports. Experts unconsciously know how to do everything correctly.
• Or you can do handcraft while watching TV.

But those are not always the best teachers who are capable of passing on their knowhow, since their skill has already sunk into their subconscience.

This model of competence makes it clear why change can be difficult: prior behavior which finds itself in a state of unconscious competence is so internalized, that one continues to access it subconsciously.

If you seriously want to acquire new behavior then you need to go through all four phases beforehand.

Knowing on which level you are within a field therefore helps enormously. Take a look here for a summary.

BUT HOW CAN YOU MAKE SURE NOTHING CHANGES?

Suppose you are the head of the department, member of the executive board, a family man or soccer coach. The area, which you take responsibility for, is running out of control. Your employees inform you. You read it in the newspaper.

How can you make sure you stay on your level of incompetence?

Mental defense mechanisms according to Sigmund Freud and his daughter Anna can help you. Defense mechanisms support you to solve the inner conflict, that you are incompetent but don’t want to be aware of it. Thus they are an important strategy to protect your own ego and they have a share in self-monitoring for each of us.

For the most part this happens unconsciously, which means that you actually believe your –often seemingly logical – explanations for your behavior.

Here is a list of the 10 most common defense mechanisms:

1. Identification

• You identify yourself with a certain person, a religious conviction or any kind of object to upgrade yourself and accordingly make sure you feel that you belong.
  - A victim will often feel sympathy for the aggressor’s motives, in order not to feel his or her fear, helplessness or rage. You may know this from studies on longer kidnappings known as the “Stockholm-Syndrome”.
  – The new chief executive uses many foreign words in his language. After some time, his employees will take over this fondness for an elaborate code as well.    

2. Compensation

• One’s own minority complexes are compensated by allegedly special achievements or taking on ownership for particular attributes in another area.
  – Many comedians are noticeably short.
  – The producers of automobiles with immense horsepower or expensive brand name clothing get a big profit out of this human defense mechanism.

3. Projection

• Personal feelings are projected onto others. Or as Freud put it: “Projection is the pursuit of one’s own desires in someone else.”
  – A man is interested in a woman who wants nothing to do with him. As a result he spreads the rumor that she’s a nymphomaniac.
  – You attentively follow the course of a meeting. Suddenly the person next to you asks you why you look so bored.

4. Rationalization

• In this case you find a good reason for your behavior – instead of the right reason.
  – “He who keeps his things in order is just too lazy to search“, the slob rationalizes.
  - Or by stating:“I‘m simply too intelligent to get promoted”, that’s when someone makes use of the Peter-Principle.
  - A student explanation for his bad grade is not that it was a lack of diligence but the inability of the teacher doing his job correctly.
  – “Not weapons kill people, people kill people” is rationalized by the US-armaments lobby after a massacre out of reflex.
  — That’s how the exchange broker can justify that he did some serious research on Playboy magazine’s stock:
  

5. Reaction formation

• One does something supposedly important and hereby satisfies his or her own suppressed – often sexual – needs.
  – for example there is someone who starts a campaign:“No pornography on the internet“ – and naturally has to do loads of research on the topic…
  – A boy is jealous of his sister but he demonstrates that he is overly caring or thoughtful to repress his hatred.
  – A father is very engaged in the parents’ association on the exclusion for a homosexual teacher from school. 

6. Regression

• To reduce minority complexes, fear or guilty feelings, you begin to act childish or like a teenager
  – You can find adults pounding on their computer-keyboards, biting into their steering wheel or hanging up the phone with a big bang.
  – If you are a man, then you be sure not to lose your face when being regressive when you play soccer. Here it is allowed to hug and kiss other men, scream, colorfully paint yourself, wear crazy t-shirts etc.
  – To avoid the pain of getting older you fall in love with a partner 20 years younger than you, wear tight jeans and read Benjamin Stuckradt-Barre (k.A. wer das Pendant für die Amis sein könnte)

7. Sublimation

• One’s own pulsional desires are deviated to cultural or social acts.
  – “If you had a sunshiny youth (e.g. enough sex and drugs and rock’n roll) you can‘t become a writer.“ (Thomas Bernhard)
  – As a cop you are allowed to occupy yourself with crime, thus can act out your need for thrill and scuffles; but you’re one of the good ones.

8. Shifting

• Own feelings and aggressive impulses are not expressed where they should be, but are shifted to those who are weaker.
  – Instead of standing up to your boss you chew out the wife, she scolds the children and – the children kick the cat.
  – The auto-aggressive version is to direct the anger towards yourself by self-accusations or having inappropriate feelings of guilt.
  - In a dialogue with some parents it turns out that a violent student has been beaten by his father for years. 

9. Undo something

• In order to make amends for your own “immoral“ thoughts or actions you do a symptomatic act, which is supposed to repel or expiate your sinful actions or thoughts.
  – the compulsion to wash, compulsive tidiness belong here like the Macbeth-Effect.
  – In times of climatic change people can travel by plane without a guilty conscience by paying an ATMOSFAIR.

10. Denial

•  That’s when you believe that ignoring an incident or a feeling, it’ll go away or won’t be registered by others.Objective sensations are portrayed as being false or don’t exist, especially when they are traumatizing.
  – a wife „overlooks” the obvious indications of her husband cheating on her, in order not to be confronted with her fear of being abandoned.
  – the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness is suppressed or eliminated by believing the lab made a mistake. 
  – after having suffered from burnout and a short rehab you pretend nothing special happened and everything is perfectly fine.

Here is a short overview in a video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-NP__ExSSE

You see, you also have to do something so that nothing in your life changes – luckily that happens unconsciously so it’s pretty effortless.

If you do choose to change something though, I recommend you my all-time favorite statement:

If you want something,
you will find solutions.
If you don’t want something,
you will find reasons.

What Are your Experiences with that topic?

HP: If you like this article, it’d be great, if you passed it on via Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or by e-mail.
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Photo: © — Flickr.com, privately

For many people the beginning of a new year is the perfect opportunity to make good resolutions. Of course every other day of the year will serve you just as well. It’s like Mother’s day. Rituals can help you to remember something. Yet having good resolutions is the same with our gratitude we feel for our mothers on Mother’s day. We forget about them and throw our planned improved behavior overboard.

Why does that happen so often?

Is it a lack of willpower? Did we choose the wrong goal? Or why else do we fail our well-meant resolutions so often? It has something to do with the fact that our invidious habits are not necessarily bad behavior but creative solutions for inner conflicts we are not aware of.

“Habits are stored solutions,” says Steve Pavlina. That’s a wise definition because it contains two important insights that need to be taken into account concerning the change of habits. And that might comfort you somewhat, should your New Year’s resolution turn out to be another fly-by-night action.

“Stored” also shows that our habit arises from our past. “Solution” reveals that our habit is connected to a problem for which that specific habit once served as a successful solution. But what‘s the problem? In order to change an unwanted habit sustainably it is necessary to realize what that problem is.

But before you immediately give up all your resolutions and just go on as you did last year, here are some unusual but highly effective suggestions in case you want to carry out something in the near future.

While I was doing research on the topic I stumbled upon this article by Leo Babauta. I took over his headers and wrote my own texts for them. Maybe they can be a good attunement for you for the forthcoming year.

1. DO LESS.

Many leads on time-management give you ideas on how you can get more done in even less time. That could turn out to be the result – however the price you pay may be that you are constantly busy thus always functioning at an optimum on a high level.

Those are the problems clients who come to my seminars or coaching sessions are faced with. Oedon von Horvath’s citation fits this situation perfectly “Actually I’m really different but I rarely get around to it.”

Yet there is rescue. There is another path I’ve been trying out for a while. What do I do?

I concentrate on what is utterly necessary or really important. And I consequently leave out everything else. It amazes me to see how much time I have gained due to my concentration on focusing by not reading the newspaper that often, watching less TV and also delegating a lot of routine work etc.

2. OWNING LESS MAKES THINGS EASIER.

“Possessions occupy,” a Tibetan Lama once said to me, when I was lamenting about my life being so crammed with worries about all sorts of things.

This is not a plea for frugality or radically stopping to buy things. It’s much rather an invitation to take a close look at your home and become aware of all the possessions you have accumulated over the years.

Just ask yourself how often you have used certain items last year. Look at your bookshelves, into your kitchen cabinets, on your desk, in your closets, at your shoe-shelf, in the basement etc.

Ask yourself whether you really need that or whether all these possessions perhaps regulate a fear you have deep inside you. We surround ourselves with many things because we believe or hope that we will be happier or more satisfied with them.

Check every item and think about why you’re (still) keeping it. And what you would lose, if you were to give it away? Clarify if you own it or it owns you.

And if you no longer want certain things just give or throw them away. Because if you have less, you will feel unburdened. Imagine being on a trip with two heavy suitcases – or a lightweight backpack. The difference is incredible!

3. DON’T BOTHER WITH ODDS AND ENDS.

No matter if it concerns the kindergarten, your partnership or your office. Many people struggle with or fight over small potatoes. How thing should be done correctly. According to the idea: “There are two ways of doing anything – the wrong way and my way!” What would be better. What belongs to whom.

These conflicts are sensible when the matter is an important one. But not when you are dealing with peanuts. That has something to do with the human character trait of always having to be right. Thus our fear of getting engaged with something new or granting that we don’t invariably get our way.

Let go of the peanuts in your life, take a deep breath and smile. You gain time and energy for things in your life that are worthwhile.

4. TIDY UP RIGHT AWAY.

Numerous readers of my email course  “From procrastination to nocrastination” which will soon appear here on this blog have let me know how this simple measure has had a major effect on their lives.

Instead of having many little tidying up actions pile up into a huge mountain, simply put things in their proper place right away. Once you’re done with something clean it up. Put the plate into the dishwasher when you’ve enjoyed your breakfast. The paid bill wanders into the filing tray. The shoes you took off go right onto the shoe-shelf.

This way things don’t pile up in the first place. It’ll only take you a few seconds or two minutes max. Hey, and it’s done. That goes for a lot of matters in life, not only for straightening up. A phone call, a misunderstanding, a penumbrous situation.

Try getting things done right off the bat.

5. MAKE SMALL CHANGES STEP-BY-STEP.

The safest way to have intentions fail is wanting to take too large steps. And a good way to achieve something is to take small steps.

You know how it is when you want to save money for example. If you put your change in to the piggy-bank every Sunday you will end up with a notable sum by the end of the year.  Just like that without feeling any lack. But spending that same amount all at one time is something you will feel quite noticeably when you see it black on white on your pass sheet.

Many people are too impatient to follow this advice – they want to get it all done at once. But you can almost reach any kind of big change in your life by splitting it up into small, feasible steps.

That applies for losing weight or getting fit, writing the book you’ve always wanted to publish, redesigning your living room, embellishing your garden, improving your partnership and raising your offspring.

Surely there a quite a few things that use a change but we often pull on the grass expecting it to grow faster – but it doesn’t. Many things simply need time and our patient actions for us to actually see the first changes.

Small changes are a lot more hassle-free. Why? Because our resistance doesn’t offer as much sail area. Try getting your filing baskets in order for only seven minutes every second day. Or arranging your receipts for doing the taxes. But only for seven minutes!

We often refrain from tackling changes because they seem too big and overwhelming to us. We feel intimidated, almost bullied by them and we end up with a resigned “I don’t stand a cat’s chance in hell to ever make that!”

Now you know the secret, too: start with small steps. Small steps have the benefit of being more sustainable, because we reaffirm our new habit instead of having endeavors that we keep putting off and only dare to tackle every once in a while.

6. FOKUS ON THE IMPORTANT THINGS.

Without wanting to tell you what to do, in my opinion these are the three things that are important in everyone’s life: work that safeguards your existence, satisfying relationships and having the feeling that you’re making a difference with what you are doing.

That ought to keep you occupied for a while. And then something essential may also happen: living in the moment far more often.

That means really being present for what you are currently doing. Concentrating on what you are occupied with and not letting yourself be distracted by something else.

This way many things become important. No matter whether you are sipping your piping hot coffee, talking to a dear friend or reading an interesting book.

Having said this I wish you plenty of important moments for the New Year.

What are your Resolutions for 2012?

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Photo: © private, Alexander Kazhdan – Fotolia, istock.com

Does your head start buzzing when there’s too much going on around you? 
Do you regain energy when you’re alone?
When in meetings, do you wait until you are asked?
Are you bushed after a day at the open-plan office?
At a party – would one more likely find you in the private library or in the garden?
Do you prefer celebrating your birthday in a circle of close friends or throwing a big bash?

The good news: you’re probably introverted.

The bad news: we live in an extraverted world and introverted people are often looked upon as being weird. Presenting oneself, selling one’s ideas is considered a necessary character trait for success in the business world.

Extraverted people are like solar cells, they’re good at that. The enjoy connecting with people, have no trouble talking about themselves and their projects and spread their good mood. They flourish when they’re in society and recharge their batteries by making contact with others. That’s how they increase their energy level.

Introverted people are more like rechargeable batteries. They need retreat and serenity in order to regain energy. What extraverted people consider to be stimulating, exciting and revitalizing is often annoying or overwhelming to those who are introverted.

Almost all personality tests cover that quality. The dimension introversion vs. extraversion is also part of the BIG FIVE, one of the worldwide acknowledged tests that inquire five main dimensions of the personality.

• Introversion/Extraversion
• Neuroticism
• Openness
• Agreeableness
• Conscientiousness

Here’s an online test on your BIG FIVE …

SHY PEOPLE ARE NOT INTROVERTED.

At first view shyness can be confused with introvertedness but there are major differences. Those who are shy usually want more contact but are too afraid to address strangers because they fear rejection. Shy people don’t like being alone, but often it seems to be their only choice.

Introverts don‘t have that fear of being criticized, rejected or abandoned. They also like to visit events where there are a lot of people but they choose to keep a bit on the side and observe everything instead of getting into the act themselves.

A shy person will often compare him- or herself to an extraverted person and polls badly. Introverted people know that they are “different“, but normally they are fine with that.

Often it’s the extraverts who get confused when someone doesn’t find him- or herself on their wavelength:

“Why are you always so held-back?” or “You need to come out of your shell” is well-meant advice. And in fact we live in a society in which a high level of extraversion, the power of connecting and “making oneself look good” are highly respected.

If you have ever gone through an assessment center and had to deal with feedback such as “too held back, not qualified for leadership tasks“ knows what I mean and has maybe suffered from the negative consequences.

Also in talk shows pensive, reflected people are not invited as often as stars that have a detailed opinion on every question – usually without even thinking about their answers beforehand.

PROBLEMS BETWEEN INTROVERTED AND EXTRAVERTED PEOPLE

When choosing a partner different dispositions are often attracted to each other. The debonair woman searches for the quiet and calm man. The extraverted man needs a partner who enjoys listening and doesn’t permanently strive for being the center of attention. But given time what felt great in the beginning of the relationship, can turn into the complete opposite.

The quiet and calm anchor is then perceived as monosyllabic or lame and the agile partner as a notorious self-centered and selfish person. This can be especially observed in different behaviors when conducting dialogues noticing the possible misunderstandings.

Anna Roming describes it to the point in her article “The silent ones in the country“ in psychology today 1/2011:

Introverts reflect before they say something. Extraverted people think while they talk.
And naturally that leads up to introverts getting the raw deal in conversations because their vis-à-vis misunderstands their signals.
A dialogue partner who is introverted picks up his vis-à-vis’ statements and tries to make up his own thoughts or opinion on what has been said. Unfortunately the extraverted person believes that to be engagement and along with that thinks it’s an invitation to keep on talking.
For the introvert this is fatal. He is interrupted in his chain of thoughts by the dialogue partner’s next statement and thus cannot process the information adequately.

That also applies in the professional area. An introverted person will seldom raise his or her hand in a meeting to voice an opinion. This can be interpreted as a lack of interest as well as a lack of knowledge. If you are interested in their opinion you usually have to ask them. It’s often the case that others mistakenly believe the person is arrogant and wants to be fawned over.

They are also not the ideal participants for a brainstorming session. The need for thinking something through thoroughly is divergent to the desired logorrhea. Introverts favor a calm two-on-two talk in which ideas and reasons are questioned, thought through and can be gone into in depth.

SPECIAL CHARACTERISTIC TRAITS OF INTROVERTS.

In the wonderful book called “Quiet. The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” the author Susan Cain describes some differences between introverts and extraverts and backs them up with studies.

• They are much more sensitive to threat rather than to incentives.
  Extraverts are much more dependent on external rewards, more carefree and thus more adventure-prone and open to risky undertakings. Introverts check out all possible disadvantages and can balance reasons for a longer period of time.
• They get into the “Flow” much more easily.
  The feeling of complete absorption and getting carried away in a task is independent from other people and their recognition. Since introverts are not needy in that sense, to them that is a natural state when dealing with unspectacular activities.
• Among them you will find many highly sensitive people.
  They have very fine antennas and are more drowned by a “normal“degree of amenities and therefore need retreat.

The book critically deals with the myth of the charismatic leader and has a number of good tips for teachers and parents who encounter introverted children.

AND WHAT ABOUT PARTNERSHIP?

It’s imaginable that two introverts fall in love with each other, rent a lighthouse and live there happily ever after – but usually these relationships take another course.

Opposites attract and in the course of the relationship they painfully experience how one‘s own behavior can disturb or hurt the partner.

Introverts can barely imagine how offending their contemplative silence can be for the extraverted partner. Reversed an extraverted person is rarely conscious how a vociferous presented complaint can scare the partner and of course he or she will not be able to communicate that immediately but instead will crawl back into the safety shell. In turn this is interpreted as disinterest, blocking etc. by the extravert – and the vicious cycle is perfect.

As in every partnership it is necessary to learn a new foreign language. The language and landscape of the other person are not to be downgraded because they are so contrary to one’s own character, which is sensed as being normal, of course. What it needs way more is an unprejudiced curiosity and lots of dialogues about how the other person perceives and interprets a situation or behavior.

MY CONCLUSION:

Of course one isn’t better than the other. This article should be an encouragement for introverts to be on more friendly terms with their way of being and the world itself. Not to be infected by the cult of extraversion according to which making a good impression and self-promotion is more important.

Introversion is a personality trait which can be supplemented but never fundamentally changed. But it doesn’t need to be changed in the first place.

Remember: the next time you don’t feel comfortable in a big round where people just cannot stop talking and you feel the urge to inspect the private library you don’t have to feel bad about it. Just think:”I happen to an introvert – and that’s a good thing.”

WHAT EXPERIENCES HAVE YOU MADE ON THE TOPIC AND WHAT’S YOUR PERSONAL OPINION?

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Anyone can call himself a coach now a days, the term isn’t protected. That’s why there are hyphen-coaches for every situation you currently find yourself in. For example Success-Coach, Running-Coach, Weight-Coach. Surely it’s only a question of time until the first Dying-Fearlessly-Coach shows up on the horizon and publishes his homepage.

But the inflationary use of the term also has its advantages. More and more people dare to admit that there is something they cannot handle on their own and need support.

A large part of managers who have their own coaches would have bravely smiled away a third burnout before admitting having problems mastering their lives. In modern times they afford a personal trainer and a
time-management-coach.

What about you?

• Are you dissatisfied with your life?
• Do you sometimes feel your job makes no real sense anymore?
• Are you experiencing difficulties to motivate yourself more and more for work?
• Do you envy people who seem to have it all figured out in life?

I’m not an Apple fan, my Smartphone is not an iPhone and although I do think Macs are awesome, yet I always shied away from switching from my Windows PC. But Steve Jobs’ vita has always fascinated me. Perhaps because in some ways our paths of life are similar.

SUPPOSE STEVE JOBS WOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR COACH.

And you would have asked him what you could change in your life in order to become more satisfied and content. What do you think he would have advised you to do?

Of course, we’ll never know what his answer would have been, but if you’ve kept up with his vita then maybe he would have mentioned the following 11 points:

1. “LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT.”
So there you are telling him about your parent’s early separation, that you never had the chance to go to college and that women in general have difficulties in their professional life….it’s likely that Steve Jobs would have interrupted you instantly.

Why, you ask?
The founder of Apple was certainly not born with the golden spoon in his mouth either. He was an illegitimate child who was given up for adoption, he left university after only one semester, he was even driven out of the company he founded. In 2003 he was diagnosed with cancer.

Not a real blessing of prerequisites. Instead of lamenting or letting these things benumb him; he made the best of it.

My own vita wouldn’t make a staff manager jump up and down with tears of joy in his eyes immediately reaching for the phone either. Find out more about me here …

What do good or bad starting conditions in life mean? The answer: nothing at all.
Your starting conditions, your family, strokes of fate etc. have no meaning whatsoever. The only thing that counts is what you make of them. If you let yourself be weighed down by them and turn yourself into a victim. It’s all in your hands.

2. DREAM BIG – REALLY BIG
Primarily we’re not talking about money, reputation or power. If that’s what you dream about, then sure, go for it, start walking.

It’s about your personal dream, your life project, your footprint which you want to leave behind in the world. It doesn’t have to be something big that can be read in all over the newspapers. More importantly is that it’s something,

• that only you can do in that special way;
• that reflects upon your whole individuality;
• that enriches others or makes their lives easier;
• that at the end of your life – or at an early stage in life – you are proud of.

3. ALL BIG THINGS HAVE TO START SOMEHWERE
In my coaching sessions or seminars I often hear people tell me about great ideas they have up their sleeves but wait putting these ideas into action until x,y,or z have been done beforehand.

As soon as the kids are older, the mortgage has been paid off, there’s more time on the weekend. You can lie to anyone but make sure you’re honest with yourself in this matter. Whether these things are indispensible requirements – or just lame excuses.

Steve Jobs started off in his parents’ garage with a few loaned dollars. I started writing my blog out of curiosity. I wrote both my books by getting up one and a half hours earlier every day for nine months.

Excuses conceal that you don’t really want to do something but still haven’t let the idea go. Here’s a recent article on “Why letting go is so hard sometimes.”

Make a decision. Start putting your idea into reality tomorrow – or finally put it to rest. You don’t need any more time to think it over.

4. CREDENTIALS ARE TRIVIAL.
To execute certain jobs you need a legal authorization. Then you have to do that. But grades do not determine whether you will be successful in your job.

I was never good at school; I left high school with a General Certificate of Secondary Education. After several professions I decided to improve my degree of education to the standard A-levels but still had no chance to get the authorization to study psychology. I got a ‘D’ on my dissertation at the University of Heidelberg.

But that didn’t make any difference.
“I’m convinced that half of the difference between those successfully self-employed and those not is purely a question of stamina.”, Steve Jobs once said.
I fully agree. And stamina is not a talent. It’s a decision you make.

5. LIVE EVERY DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST.
“In the past 33 years I looked into the mirror in the morning and asked myself:“If today were the last day of my life, would I still be doing what I’m doing today?” And whenever the answer was ‘no‘ for a longer period of time, I knew, that it was time to make a change.” (Steve Jobs)

Many people have the tendency to put off important things.
Concerning doing taxes, cleaning the house or other jobs that may not be a big deal. But you shouldn’t put off your life. Sure, you can do some things later. But you can’t catch up with anything.

What would you regret, if you couldn’t do it anymore? And what can you do today instead of regretting it?

Don’t have time? Really?

That’s just simply not true. Just take a look at all the time that you dawdle away each week. By reading futile fudge in newspapers or on the internet. Watching TV.

If you could only save one hour’s time per day and invest that time in what’s really important to you then you will have gained 22 days within the time-span of half a year!

What could you do in that time?
What do you want to make use of with this time?

6. DON’T LISTEN TO OTHERS.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it by living the life of others. Don’t get caught up in dogma which turns aout to be the life of advisements of others.
Don’t let the noise of other opinions let your inner voice fall silent.” (Steve Jobs)

No matter what you do, rejectionists, gloom-mongers and uninvited worriers will always cross your path.

Sometimes feedback from others is helpful. But it remains to be their point of view. It only makes sense if it goes in resonance within you of a feeling that was there before but makes you even more aware of it.

In the end you have to listen to your own voice. Simply because you are the only one who is responsible for your life and your actions. You can only notice this inner voice, if you don’t listen to others.

If you listen to others and everything turns out for the best, it’s not 100% yours anymore. If you listen to others and things turn into a fiasco, you can’t really put the blame on them afterwards.

7. DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE INFLUENCE YOU HAVE IN THE WORLD.
Steve Jobs was just one single human being. Just realize how this one man has influenced and enriched the lives of many. If he hadn’t lived his dreams, we all would be living differently today.

It’s not about changing the world. It’s about changing your world. The life of your family. The life of your colleagues, employees and customers. The life of your neighbors and friends.

8. IT’S ONLY FAILURE, IF YOU DECLARE IT AS SUCH.

There is no failure – only disappointment, that doesn’t fit your expectations. It has no meaning unless you interpret these disappointments as being failures or mess ups that prove your incompetence.

There is no failure – only disappointment, that doesn’t fit your expectations. It has no meaning unless you interpret these disappointments as being failures or mess ups that prove your incompetence.

Steve Jobs developed several flops and was pushed out of the company he had founded. Was he a loser? Afterwards he founded two successful businesses (NeXT and Pixar) and returned to Apple.

You’re only a loser, if you give up. All other things are incidents in the course of your life on the way to your final goal. Your story has not come to an end until you decide to give up.

Quite a few years ago I, too, got kicked out of my job because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and I was labeled not being a team-player. That was a brutal experience back then paired with a financial set-back.

What helped me get over it was the realization that they were right. I’m not a team-player, but rather a do-it-myself man of action. But having been fired from that job was not a failure, unless I would have decided to interpret it as one. It was a painful lesson which helped me to plan my professional development accordingly.

9. DO WHAT YOU LOVE.
“Your work makes up a large portion of your life and the only way to really be satisfied with it is to be working in a job you love. In case you haven’t found that yet, don’t call of the search but keep looking and don’t grow roots.” (Steve Jobs)

It’s about finding something that fills you with passion and meaning. For one simple reason. You will probably still have to work for a lot of years. Instead of doing something until you retire that you don‘t appreciate, why not go after something you seriously like, something your heart desires now rather than wait until you have retired?

Agreed, maybe you have to pay the price of some confinements and maybe you have to cut down on the finances. Without a doubt that will only last for a short time. If you do what you love doing and deliver best quality the financial fruit will be there to be harvested.

Maybe you won’t be able to do it for your whole working week yet, and you need to go after your breadwinning and give your passion space, time and energy on the side. But that doesn’t matter.

Don’t resign yourself from doing a job you hate or that has money as the only benefit. The price you pay is way too high, since you’re paying with your precious lifetime. Time you will never be able to recapture!

10. TRUST LIFE. FOLLOW YOUR HEART.
“You cannot connect the dots, if you look ahead. You can only connect the dots, if you look back. So you just have to trust the dots will connect somehow in the future …”
You have to believe in something – your gut feeling, destiny, life, karma whatever. Because believing that those dots will connect in the end will give you confidence to follow your heart. Even if it takes you away from worn-out paths – but it’s what makes the whole difference.”(Steve Jobs)

Life is incalculable. You don’t know what’s next year will bring on. You don’t even know what tomorrow brings along the way. We all have to deal with this incertitude.

You can worry, ponder endlessly, try to prepare yourself for all eventualities, but you cannot completely safeguard your life. It’s most likely that you’ve been thinking about things that will never even happen.

Whereas other things will happen that you‘ve never thought possible.
The other possibility: have faith in life. Learn to trust that life will carry you and will always find a way. Even if it’s not clear to you right away.

11. EXCEL YOURSELF – AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
“You can’t ask customers what they want and then try giving it to them. By the time you’ve produced it the customers will want something else.”
“No, it’s not the customer’s job to know what he wants.”

That was Steve Jobs’ attitude towards market research and that impressed and influenced me from the beginning on. What can happen, if you don’t follow this attitude can be experienced in the daily battle of quota with TV programs and on the book market.

On the way to win the public’s favor, it’s quality that stays as well as innovation. Because the reader and the audience have no imagination of what else there is.

That’s what you have to do.

No matter where you find yourself in life. As a self-employed person, freelancer or manager of a company. There are already too many Me-too-products. Anyone can copy. To excel oneself and follow ones dreams obstinately, is a path only few chose to take.

But it pays off. Especially for us Germans.

When the Chinese prime minister Wen Jiaboa was asked by Chancellor Angela Merkel what he appreciates about Germany he said: “You know it’s about a screw, for example. It has to fit, it has to fit precisely. Otherwise nothing will be straight or tight. For this you need a German screw. Only a German screw will constantly have the same high level of quality, accuracy and dependability.” FOCUS 40/11

If you look back on the last three to five years:

• Have you excelled yourself here and there?
• Or did you stagnate?
• In which area could you excel yourself?

MY CONCLUSION:
It makes a big difference who you allow to advise you in how to lead your life. Whether it’s your partner, your boss, a good friend or the Pope.

Suppose Steve Jobs would have been your coach in your current life situation.

Which one of his 11 tips would have appealed to you the most?

HP: If you like this article, it’d be great, if you passed it on via Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or by e-mail.
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I took the 11 points from this article from Celestine Chua.
But the content is from me. 

I mean situations where we hold on helplessly or desperately cling to bygones although we feel that they cause nothing but sorrow – and somehow we don’t seem to have any influence on this act of holding on.

Friends, who wish us well, and other advisors tell us to finally let go. To make amends with the fact that some things will never change and others are over. But we already know that.

WHY DO WE NOT SUCCEED IN LETTING GO?

The answer is simple: because we’re holding on. Most of the time not consciously, since we are frantically trying to let go of the hurt and the pain. Yet here we are confronted with our mind turning the same thoughts over and over again, the inner holding on.

Tie a coconut to a tree, hollow it and put some rice in it. The hole in the coconut should just be large enough for a monkey to put its hand in it. The monkey will grasp the rice but meanwhile its hand has gotten so big, that it can’t pull it out anymore. But it wants to hold on to the rice no matter what and thus is captured.

Indian instructions on how to trap a monkey

What we need to realize is: We subconsciously hold on to something, because we fear something would happen, if we were to take the risk of letting go.

Identify that fear. That may not be easy because you will find all sorts of reasons why you needn’t be afraid of anything.

Here’s a well-proven method of how you can begin with letting go.

1. Identify the matter or incident or the feeling which keeps rising to the surface although it is unwanted.
   It may turn out to be something that goes way back, maybe all the way back to your childhood or youth. It may just as well be something that occurred only recently.
   Perhaps it is a single incident or something that you’ve encountered over and over or a specific time in your life.
2. Attentively pay attention to what it is exactly that puts a strain on you in this context and write it down.
   - Writing it down is a crucial point, because having the same thing turn in your head does not have the same effect. Writing liberates you. Especially when you write in an unfiltered manner. It empties your “worry and emotion tank“ pretty quickly.
   This is how you can do it:
   – Note all items that occupy your mind in the matter. You can even make a whole long list.
   – Above all just start writing…without sorting everything out first…everything that comes to mind….it doesn’t have to make any sense….just keep on writing…what preoccupies you in the matter….thoughts…emotions…incidents….just keep writing them down one after another.
   – Continue writing until you feel you’ve reached new clarity, a special form of inner peace.
3. After a while take a look at everything that you wrote from item 2 on.
   Now it’s time to recognize the inner conflict why you weren’t able to let the matter go until now.
   Often it’s some kind of fear about what might happen, if you let go or a fact that you haven’t been able to accept so far. I’ve made a list of examples for you further below in this article.
4. How will you know you’ve let the matter go?
   – Again you need to write down what you will do once you’ve let go of the thought, the worry, the incident.
   – By letting go you will experience new space concerning your thinking, your emotions, your actions and your entire life.
   – What would you like to do with this free space? Write all that down.

You cannot force yourself to let something go. And when you let something go you have to give something away. Yet it’s often not what you think you’ve lost. You need to let go the reason for your holding on. But in order to do that you have to recognize what that particular reason is.

Which fears can block the process of letting go?

When we hold on to something that is eternally lost, then there is almost always a good reason with which we want to safeguard something inside of us.

It’s all about finding this particular reason.

A freelancer once told me during a therapy session, that he went bankrupt fifteen years ago and since then has been caught up in an undesired, low paid job as an employee. He said that he has good ideas to open up a new business but as soon he preoccupies his mind with the thought he immediately loses his courage because the image of the bankruptcy appears before his mind’s eye.

He followed my idea of writing all this down and during that process he got closer to the deeper meaning of his holding on. He believed,
– that having gone bankrupt once showed that he was incapable of working as a self-employed man,
– that he had had his chance in life and that now it was time to be modest,
–  that it wasn’t a good idea to tempt fate again since punishment might come his way,
– that his parents, who had always warned him about self-employment, were right after all,
– that he had enough to live on and that more money wouldn’t make him any happier either.

After having written down all these reasons that were totally unknown to him, he was able to judge them from a distance. He remarked that they all had some sort of punishing quality and that reminded him of his strict Catholic upbringing. As he gained clarity on the background of his holding on, he was enabled to look upon his fears more rationally and could classify them as inappropriate.

A half year later he went into business for himself with a brand new idea.

Again, because it’s crucial:

Our holding on to meaningless thoughts, exaggerated fears, undesired experiences has a function, a deeper meaning. Mostly we try to keep a fear in check or don’t want to accept a painful truth.

Here are some examples from my personality seminars or coaching sessions:

• There were parents who kept their son’s room in its original state although the son had died 30 years before. 
  In this case it’s often the overwhelming fear of feelings of guilt that would emerge.
  Maybe one parent believes to be guilty and that he or she could have prevented the son from dying. Sometimes it’s an extremely strong loyalty that makes a person feel as if they were betraying the deceased person, if they were to return back to a normal life and were happy and content.
• You keep having feelings of guilt in a matter where rationally you are aware that it was not your fault.
  Usually a strong superego or merciless inner critic is at work here. One that wants to make you feel bad about your failures for an eternity. Forgiving yourself or seeing that you have no fault seems to be nothing but a cheap excuse.
• A manager keeps quarreling with himself why he had never taken the opportunity to go abroad after having finished university, since that would have provided him with better career options.
  That person does not want to accept that his safety thinking was his priority and that taking a risk was not an option back then. When I suggested to him to be courageous now and take a risk he had to acknowledge, that he was not the type and that safety thinking came first.
• A woman stays in her unsatisfying marriage that basically only exists on a piece of paper.
  Her conviction was that she would not find a better partner because she hadn’t earned one. The reason? She once betrayed her husband at the beginning of their relationship and figured she had to atone for this behavior.
• A mistake you made years ago keeps coming to your mind.
  Frequently the conflict here has to do with someone believing that only normal people make mistakes but that one is somehow better than the rest and thus should be flawless. Forgiving oneself for the mistake is then not perceived as a relief but considered to be evidence that one actually isn’t better than others.
• A forty year-old has been collecting and keeping all newspapers, magazines and glossies for years and years. There was no way he’d ever be able to read them all and therefore he moved to a bigger apartment.
  It’s the attempt not to face finiteness. He became aware, that if he were to throw away a five year old stack of newspapers, he would never own them again in his life.
• A man cannot get over the death of his spouse that happened ten years ago and remains in hollow resignation.
  Accepting the death of a beloved person always has an impact on one’s own mortality. Bearing in mind that there is a limited time to life.
  If a person believes that he or she cannot bear the thought of this truth, then often he or she refuses to take active part in life because it seems to them there is no value to it regarding the certainty of death itself.

Letting go means to accept something.

In order to finally let go of past grievances, old injuries, faded love, failed trials you usually have to learn to accept something. The refusal to accept leads to holding on which shows itself through endless pondering or agonizing, recurring same old thoughts.

When you’ve spotted the reason for your holding on, the meaning that you’ve given the matter until now by having written everything down as described earlier, then you will probably also find the key of how you can let it all go.

From my experience with many people over the decades the price is that they have to learn to accept something. In most cases these are the things concerned:

• Accepting, that life can be unfair.
• Accepting, that there is no deeper meaning to something awful that happened.
• Accepting, that life, destiny or God don’t punish.
• Accepting, that things don’t always go your way and that you’re not permanently right.
• Accepting, that everything in life is limited and gets its value through this fact.
• Accepting, that you’re not a special person who can expect to be treated exceptionally.
• Accepting, that life also offers sorrow.
• Accepting, that there is no „good“ and „bad“ but that this evaluation always lies within the eye of the beholder.
• Accepting, that there is also no „right“ or „wrong“ but that this always depends on the perspective.

Sometimes we need to accept that before the big profit comes our way there is relinquishment. If we really want to change something, then we need to give something else away. That this can be pretty tough is something I am quite aware of – – I gave away part of my cherished book collection – one thousand (!) in numbers.

But holding on sometimes seems to be easier than letting go.

What experiences have you gone trough on the topic of letting go?

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Better than viagra or seeing the divorce lawyer: profound dialogues.

When I work in my seminars or coaching sessions, where mostly the main topic is a professional one, I usually end up counseling personal
problems.

Be it that a couple is always in fight mode which leads to the husband having to work overtime at the office instead of going home in the
evening.

Or after the children were born TLC only goes out to the offspring. Thus sex becomes an extremely rare delicatessen and the couple’s life
resembles more and more that of an apartment-sharing community. And
mommy and daddy dedicate their passion to ecological or academic questions – instead of feeding the couple’s relationship with all this energy.

An absolute classic is also the successful manager 40plus with a second car, second apartment and secret second wife.

When I ask these people, if they have an explanation for this development, I almost get the same answers every time (we’ve drifted apart, not enough things in common, a stressful job). For those who regret “just sharing an apartment“ and who still feel they have somewhat of a connection, love or interest left in each other, I recommend “profound dialogues“.

To make sure everyone really understands how this type of dialogue works, here are some FAQs I answered.

When do profound dialogues make sense?

Profound dialogues are completely different from „normal“ discussions. You need time and you have to follow a strict structure. These dialogues can make sense in the following situations:

• When you realize that you keep getting into entangled fruitless power struggles.
  You already know all your partner‘s arguments and you even know beforehand how you’re going to react and what you’re going to reply.
• If you have different views on a subject, but you need to make a decision on it together.
  (vacation destination, finances, raising the kids etc.)
• If you want to intensify your relationship or give it a deeper meaning.
  When all you communicate about is organizing your daily routine things and you have no clue what else is occupying the other person’s mind anymore.
• When you feel more like having taken on a role rather than being a human being.
  Roles, such as provider, general dog’s body, scapegoat, servant etc.
• When you’re afraid to address topics with conflict potential.
  Conflicts are normal in relationships. But if you end up in an embittered atmosphere when you fight over something, then discussions are usually avoided because one partner believes he will already end up with the short end of the stick.
• If you are missing ease, desire and fun in your relationship.
  Once chores and duties get the upper hand, then life will slowly become bleak and boring. Living in an apartment-sharing community in order to raise kids and pay off the mortgage can be surprisingly stable over a long period of time – as long as one of  the partners doesn’t discover that he has been functioning too long and suddenly wakes up to finally feel alive again outside the marriage.
• When you’ve been suffering from sexual weariness for a long time.
  I don’t believe that the reason is our oversexed world or that it’s the media’s fault or that emancipated women are putting too much pressure on us men …In fact, I view reasons for non-organic impotency or the female weariness as the actual problem.
  But I consider it to be a creative – subconscious – solution for a conflict.
  Instead, not-being-able to perform turns into not-wanting-to-perform. Thus an unheralded strike. And a strike is the weapon for those who feel (but are not necessarily) more helpless.That’s why Viagra and co. are only means for “him“ to function again.Just like a headache doesn’t indicate you having a lack of aspirin, even though a pill will often help mitigate the situation. On a more concrete level: impotency is not a lack of Viagra, even if the pill helps. With profound dialogues you can find the real reason for the strike. But you have to give it some time.
• When your life as a couple is drastically changing.
  Going from one phase to the next is often a critical time. The first child, illnesses, a new job, children moving out, getting older, reaching retirement age. If you don’t want to go on living the way you are, then it will help you to talk to each other about what you’re experiencing.

How can you carry out these profound dialogues?

In this article I especially address couples. But this method isn’t reduced to dialogues between men and women. I also recommend profound dialogues for the following constellations:

• Adults with their own parents or in-laws.
  In these relationships topics such as drawing the line, meddling, letting go among others that are quickly blown up to a question of principle („in my generation“, „in former times xy was valid, “We only mean well” etc.) can cause serious problems. If in general everyone else’s opinion needs to be fended off, then mutual
  understanding why the other person thinks or does things the way they do, is not an issue.
• Parents with adolescents.
  When puberty kicks in it’s the time when values, norms and behavior differ, which lead to clashes between parents and their offspring. Threatening and imposing sanctions don’t do it anymore or are often even inappropriate. What you are left with is the relationship – and communicating together.Since during puberty questions of finding one’s identity and detachment topics resonate, the emotions of all those involved are strong and highly ambiguous. Profound dialogues make it
  possible to gain mutual understanding and accordingly respect, if this in shown on both behalves.
• Managers with their employees
  This calls for a manager who doesn’t need to hide behind his superior level of hierarchy. And it requires an employee who is open to put his concept of the enemy (idiot, slave-driver, or technocrat) aside for a while to realize his boss is also just a human being with feelings and sensitivities.
• Members of a team.
  Profound dialogues can also be understood as mediation dialogues – without the mediator. Or as an arbitration without the arbitrator.The function of the third party and the pacification or objectification that arises due to his or her presence is taken over by the dialogue’s strict structure and the discipline of those involved, because they keep to that specific structure.

How is the dialogue conducted?

The basic rules are simple but very effective. I therefore recommend that you keep strictly to them. Since you feel you “need” this form of dialogue it’s a sign, that what the dialogue rules bring about is something we’re not able to bear in a “normal” discussion.

• At least one hour‘s time once a week on a regular basis.
  If you’re on vacation you can do it more often. What counts is the regular basis.
  Having the dialogues too often is of no advantage to anyone. It’s the times in between the dialogues where what has been said continues to have an effect.
• Sit across from each other.
  Not outside and not while talking a walk in nature. All that can be distractive and will interfere with the intimate space you want to create.
• A talks, B listens.
  A’s talking time is 10 minutes and B only listens. After 10 minutes B gets the talking time, so B talks and A only listens. In one hour each person has had three turns talking and listening.Talking means to talk about yourself. Ideally giving the answer to the self-asked question: “What is preoccupying my mind a lot lately.”
  A talks about how he or she perceives him- or herself, the other person, the relationship and his or her own life.A is not obligated to talk the whole time. The silence and feeling what A experiences in the silence itself (inquietude, malaise, pressure, calmness, disorientation)can be expressed by A.B just listens. B does not think about what he or she could reply on what has been said. B does not think about what is preoccupying his or her mind at the time. B is with the dialogue partner – and with him- or herself. If possible, B does not evaluate or judge. B should have the attitude of someone who is doing research on the views and customs of foreign people and who really wants to get to know them („How interesting – I wasn’t aware of that!”)
• No questions, no comments.
  Both are not allowed nor is audible exhaling, rolling the eyes or disapproval by shaking the head.
  That in itself is actually the beneficial effect of the dialogue structure that people always give me as a feedback.Everyone has the right to talk without being interrupted, criticized or verbally attacked. And everyone has a chance to listen without being pressured into immediately having an opinion about what is said.
• You talk about what YOU want to talk about.
  Profound dialogues are no confessions and don’t have a revelation character.
  Everyone can be as open as he or she wants to be. Everyone is free in the choice of topic. When A has talked about topic x, B does not have to give any answers to that when it’s his or her turn. But he or she can, if they feel like it.
• No commenting in retrospect of the session.
  It’s best, if the two parties go their separate ways for a while afterwards, so what each person has experienced can sink in and one can write something down as well. The dialogue is a reflection of the relationship. Open, unfinished, full of chances and possibilities – an ongoing process. Always with a goal but never with an end.

How can you deal with resistance?

My clients often ask me:

• What can I do, if I want to conduct a profound dialogue but my partner isn’t willing to do so?
  It’s helpful to analyze the resistance. Rationalizations don’t help („I’m not a talker, I’m a (wo)man of action“, “I don’t see the sense in this psychobabble.“).More importantly you need to feel and talk about the fear that lies behind the resistance. Ironically the best way of doing that would be to conduct a profound dialogue.Sometimes the refusal is a sign of the person not wanting to invest in the relationship anymore, particularly when no alternative is offered by them. That again can be something you may want to address.
• We just can’t seem to find the time for these dialogues.
  That’s an excuse. Or better yet a statement that everything else is more important. (If you want something, you‘ll find a way. If you don’t want something, you’ll find a reason.)Surely you would find the time to go to the hospital, if you broke your leg or you had an ulcer…
• We can’t keep to the 10 minute time intervals.
  That indicates how hard you find it to respect boundaries. Try using a timer.
• I can’t just listen, so I tend to interrupt my dialogue partner.
  What this shows you is how hard it is for you to accept other peoples’ opinions or points of view. It also shows that you have little inner space for discrepancies.In these dialogues you can learn that your view of the world is just one of a billion other views and that you aren’t (or don’t have to be) right. If you really can’t do it any other way: cover your mouth – to totally concentrate on the listening part.
• I can’t speak openly when my partner is looking right at me.
  These dialogues can create new closeness among a couple even though the structure may appear rather distant. Sometimes when our partner serves as an object of projection for the emotions we hold off, then seeing the other person – and his or her reactions – can be debilitating to us. Perhaps sitting back-to-back can be a helpful solution.

This communication method was developed by Michael Lukas Moeller and his wife Célia Maria Fatia.

And how do you feel about your communication?
What’s your opinion on profound dialogues?

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Son and father.

In my father’s generation body contact, emotional closeness or showing feelings was frowned upon. Markus Söder, a German minister of state, also talks about that in an interview: “Had my father ever asked me: “Hey, my boy, how are you doing?“, I would have been worried that something was utterly wrong.”

Yeah, that’s how they were or were supposed to be, men and boys in former times: »Quick as greyhounds, tough as leather and strong as steel« It was Hitler’s perception of men that the fathers of the past century had internalized. Qualified for being a soldier and going to war in good spirit, there was simply no room left for child’s play.

My father was also infiltrated by this image of manhood. He would have never even considered pushing the stroller or bringing his only son to bed at night.

Today many fathers are different. The image of the father figure has radically changed. According to the study from the German federal ministry of family affairs “Men in motion“ most fathers interact differently with their offspring: They cuddle, bring them to bed or strap them in front of their bellies when taking a walk.

If today’s men refuse to hackle in the prenatal course they’ve disqualified themselves from being looked upon as modern men.

We expect men to not only provide for the family but to actively being a part in their kids’ lives as they grow up. This dual capacity is not only expected by many women, the children and the social spirit of the age.

A lot of men as well have set this as one of their targets. And sometimes they feel unable to cope with it. Making a career and having a family life at the same time has become a compatibility problem for men in our times. For women this issue has been on their list for a long time already.

What types of fathers are there? 

A study two sociologists conducted bring on some insight on the different types of fathers which shows how the father figure has changed over the years and what impact it has on families today.

1500 interviews allowed them to make out six different types of fathers.

1. The facade father (25%)
“This type only has a very diffuse idea about how he wants to be a father. Questions concerning child- raising usually overstrain him and he has no adequate solutions to tackle problems of every day life.  What you will discover behind the mask of the caring, predominant and diligent father is a man who feels rather helpless.” 

2. Father on the margins (10%)
“This father really feels his dedication put into question by the mother. He is convinced that his partner has no trust in his educational competencies and according to his perception the mother would basically even like to exclude him from having any relationship to the child.

He feels criticized by his partner in the way he occupies himself with the child. In any case he also believes that the bond between mother and child is much more important for his partner than the relationship they share as a couple.”

3. The father who is an equal (29%)
“These fathers feel cooperative, bond with the child, are patient and highly accepted by their partners. Fathers who are equals reject any kind of traditional stereotype and feel secure in their present role.

This father believes himself to be emotionally competent and likes to show a large amount of dedication. The quality of family relationships and the partnership are rated as exceptionally good by him.” 

4. The patriarchic father (18%)
“He sees his tasks especially in taking financial care of the family and thus lives completely in the sense of traditional behavioral roles. Questions about child care and education are primarily the woman’s job, especially emotional love.

These fathers are – also when they describe themselves – emotionally distant and they shape their relationship to the child most likely by doing sportive activities together or sharing technical interests.”

5. The overstrained father. (13%)
“The insecure, irritated father feels very alienated about his role as a father. Usually he reacts impatiently and extremely peevish when it comes to the child’s needs and therefore stands out, since he reflects the most problematic father-child-relationship of the study.

Indeed these fathers are open to the demands that are connected to the image of a newly defined fatherhood, but they often find themselves in a conflict situation with the traditional orientation of these fathers.”

6. The father as a partner (6%)
“These fathers never made a conscious decision about having a family. But the paternity changes their identity fundamentally which is why the cooperative father aligns his life to doing his kids justice.

The difference between him and the “father as an equal” is, that at the same time he insists on the male idea of role modeling as in former times when it comes to child education.”

 The above described types of fathers show different attitudes and behavioral patterns. I find three things very important:

1. A father always has an influence.

Even a father who ran out on the family after the son was given birth to or who was physically there but emotionally unavailable has an influence on a boy’s development.

Because due to the empty space that was never filled by him he automatically leaves more room for the mother. Since boys in kindergarten, elementary school and other schools are dominantly taught and taken care of by women at an early stage in life, some boys end up with a fatal development of their image of what makes a man a man.

Since they’re surrounded too much by women and have too few male role models they develop an identification detour. Here’s the explanation:

“When boys are three or four years old they understand the consistency of gender which means that they are boys who have to become men one day. That’s why they search for information about what men are – but basically they don’t even have a real role model: How are men actually? Just normal guys made out of flesh and blood?

Instead they experience day in and day out what women are like. And the women in their environment present a lot of what is considered to be totally human. They’re caring, sad, helpless, sometimes angry and sometimes affectionate.

And boys subconsciously draw the conclusion that all these feelings are typically female, thus not masculine. In order to go through the metamorphosis from boy to man they block out these feelings or literally separate them from themselves.

Society does its share of fortifying this. Especially teenagers downgrade everything that has a female touch. It’s considered „gay”, weak or effeminate.” 

 2. It’s important to find one’s own role as a father.

The role of the „equal father“ (type 3) has developed itself as a reaction to the traditional, patriarchic father figure which many men have suffered from as children.

Now they try to be a better father.

On the one hand that’s positive because it makes these men and their kids feel good to experience more bonding. But it can also lead to exaggeration, if the man doesn’t dare to put his foot down to avoid being authoritarian like his own father at all costs.

In order to find one’s own role as a father it takes one essential step in my point of view: reconciling with one’s own father.

This can be a long, painful road to take. A road you usually have to take on your own because the real father has died or is still alive but continues to block emotionally. “The exhibition and marketing of my private life by a third person is something I consider to be inappropriate,“ was the reaction of the former German chancellor on the book his son wrote.

I will give you a brief overview of what the process of reconciliation can look like:

3. The source of manhood lies in the relationship to the father.

As an adult no matter what gender we need the best of both parents. The female and the masculine aspects. If a man overemphasizes or separates one aspect, that will have serious consequences for his contact with his own children, the relationship to his partner and for his own life

“When a man weeps during a therapy session, it almost always hast o do with his father“, is what the authors Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson found out when they analyzed the world of male emotions.

“Only few bring out tears in men. A man is capable of talking about his shattered marriage, disappointments in the job department, ruinous business decisions and physical agony without shedding a tear.”

And when the favorite team is relegated is something I also want to mention.

What was your father like?
And what kind of father are you?

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lthough workaholism (rather than merely working hard) carries with it the very same psychological, physiological, emotional and mental symptoms as alcohol, drug and other addictions, it’s the only one society actually rewards.

The following statistics reflect the sad reality of workaholics and their loved ones both in the United States and beyond its borders.

• Thirty-four percent of American adults don’t take their vacation days.
  Employed American adults, anyways. Expedia.com ran a survey in 2009 revealing just how many gave up their average of 13 vacation days every year.
  
• Workaholic marriages suffer disproportionately more than others.
  The divorce rate amongst couples with no workaholic spouse sits at around 16%. By contrast, workaholic marriages crumble at a 55% rate, owing to alienation and a sense that jobs control the family unit far more than…well…the family unit itself.
  
• Sixty-plus work-hour weeks are not uncommon.
  In fact, over 10 million Americans have to keep such grueling hours, though admittedly clinical workaholism isn’t always the motivating factor.
  
• Workaholics have a higher rate of heart disease.
  Although a study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine analyzed the effects of workaholism on the body using British, Finnish and French subjects, what it discovered impacts the career-minded worldwide. Individuals working 11 hours a day or more suffer from 67% chance of coronary heart disease than those with about seven or eight.
  
• More severe workaholics can’t even relax on vacation without getting sick.
  Researchers in The Netherlands recognize a rare but serious condition they like to call “leisure sickness.” Roughly 3% of workaholics succumb to its grip, which can include anything from migraines and headaches to exhaustion and an overall flu-like feeling.
  
• Workaholics are more likely to suffer a job-related injury or illness.
  It really is common sense here. The more time one spends working, the more susceptible he or she is to end up sick or injured as a result. Chronic overtimers face a 61% increased risk over those without such habits.
  

Read the full article here …

How do you handle your work-life-balance?

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