No one can teach like someone who’s been there. Lisa Petrilli is a self-disclosed Introvert as well as an accomplished business woman who has run a $750 million business and negotiated pharmaceutical contracts with top global companies. In an article in the Harvard Business Review Petrelli talks about the contribution that learning strategies for networking made to her early success.

The only people that I have met that really love networking are people who run networking organizations and events. The truth is that many Extraverts find networking a challenge, but not in the same energy-draining way that Introverts might.

Petrilli’s top tips:

• Embrace having a preference for Introversion. She suggests that many Introverts in business see Introversion as something to overcome. Once a person embraces their natural inclination to spend time alone reflecting, they can refine their ideas and be prepared to make a powerful impact by what they have to contribute to the conversation.
• Petrilli has reframed networking from a large scale social onslaught to a series of one on one conversations. The benefits include creating better business relationships and being less drained by the experience.
• She suggests using Social Media or other ways of connecting to reach out ahead of an event to people who you know will be attending, telling them that you are looking forward to meeting them. This pre-introduction paves the way to making connecting more comfortable.
• If this way of pre- connecting isn’t possible, Petrilli suggests that it made a difference to her when she realized that if she took the initiative in introducing herself that others responded positively. She saw the benefit to her in reaching out first as doing this on her terms, as opposed to the whim of others.
• Her final piece of advice is to resist the temptation to go directly to the next  event or meeting. Taking a half an hour or so to recharge will allow you to be fully engaged in the next thing on your schedule. It will also help to keep  from building a negative story about networking being an energy drain.

Her final word…

Introverts who avoid networking are making a critical career mistake. Being an adroit networker is non-negotiable — and not as hard as it might seem.

The Power of Introverts_ A Manifesto for Quiet Brilliance_ Scientific American

I recently had the pleasure of introducing the Enneagram to a Grade Nine student. I was “cautiously optimistic” in my own very Sixish way that this would be something that would be of value to her. Remember back in high school and the minefield of relationships that that environment holds… projection on steroids. My hope was that understanding the Enneagram would shift things from a view that “somethings wrong with me or somethings wrong with them” to having an understanding of nine different worldviews. In that light different behaviour and beliefs makes sense.

One of the things that we used were Riso and Hudson’s Enneagram cards which were valuable in having a conversation about various aspects of personality, how we all process differently and levels of health in individuals. It was exciting to see someone curious, quick and open to learning and the difference it made in having the Enneagram explain what might be happening in the interactions between various types. Perhaps the halls won’t of the local high school won’t appear as much as a jungle when armed with a roadmap of the inhabitants.

Just in case you think that you are far far removed from how you reacted in high school… When was the last time that you were in a meeting or waiting at a service counter and thought that someone was out to yank your chain on purpose? Hmmmm…..

When you are working with personality assessments, you need to make sure that everyone understands the meaning of the terminology being used in this particular circumstance. As a general rule the terms used to describe personality types or traits are neutral and imply no preferred value.

According to the Reiss Motivation Profile “Vengeance” is the desire to get even with others, the need to strike back. Aggression in animals is an example of the evolutionary basis of vengeance. The emotions associated with vengeance are anger and hate. At a primal level high desire for vengeance is and “eye for an eye” view of life. Another way of looking at this is that these high vengeance people believe that “it’s up to you” and the best way to do things is to simply take charge and get things done. A word that could also be used to describe vengeance that is more palatable is competitive. This motivation can propel sports teams to victory or turn around a failing organization. However, we all know people who love to argue just for the sake of it. There is pleasure for them in pushing back, sparring and defending their position. They love to prove other people wrong. On the downside this is the territory of dictators and despots.

On the other side of the scale, at the low end of the scale, people who score low in “Vengeance” are agreeable and will turn the other cheek. There are some people who wouldn’t strike back even if their life was in danger. This type of person may find that others take advantage of them.

These traits do not go away. If we don’t find a positive, constructive way to get these needs met they will raise their heads in possibly ugly ways. Rather than judging a desire such as “Vengeance” as negative or troublesome design a way to to get this need met such as regular athletic competition. If this is a trait you recognize in others, can you see the positive contribution?

As a sidebar: This painting was part of a show of paintings that I did based on the Reiss. A man came into the gallery and as he was reading the list of 16 core motivators on the Reiss profile, he came to argue with me about Vengeance. He said that he didn’t believe in it as it wasn’t necessary. If anyone got in his way he just “dealt” with them. As he turned to see the artwork hanging in the show, this painting caught his eye and without knowing that it that represented “Vengeance”, he told me that he liked THIS one.

Each letter is made from quotes that capture the energy of “Vengeance” such as “If you aren’t the lead dog the scenery never changes.” I resisted the urge to say “Gotcha” (barely ).

The word “worry” occurred several times in reference to various aspects of their work… in not one but in two emails. This is territory that an Enneagram Six knows like the back of the hand.

The issue for Sixes is trust – trust in the exterior world and trust in self.

Mastery through practice is an antidote to worry and doubt.

Good advice no matter your type.

PS. Here’s a post I wrote in response to question in her second email. By the way I actually sometimes take my own advice. Do you take yours?

The Wake-Up
During a leadership workshop, exercise after exercise brought insights and an emotional connection awakening something within. At the very end of the 2 days an exercise gave this young woman feedback on just how many of her peers saw her as a leader.

The Surprise
The surprise to me is that this was news to this young woman. It had never crossed her mind because it wasn’t included in her title or job description. How delightful that she was finally seen for all that she is and for her potential. I wonder how this will affect her aspirations and the way she approaches her work. What will she want to do now considering this new information? Will questions of her own leadership stance arise for her?

A Possibility
Leading Full Circle is a two day multigenerational leadership program for women. Having women of all generations in mutual mentoring conversations provides more insight and inspiration than relying on a content driven curriculum. The 20 year olds in the spring program brought something special to everyone present – one of the participants referred to the hope for the future that she came away with from her interactions. At the same time the younger women were pleased to see that the questions that confronted them could be viewed as a source of growth and enlightenment. Seeing in the older women the fact that questions didn’t go away but changed tone and direction over time was reassuring and increased their willingness and capacity for asking the hard questions.

What happens when a particular need goes unmet?
Ahhhh…hhhaaaa Unmet needs make themselves known. If you don’t notice your discomfort, your cranky mood, then perhaps someone close will be kind enough to point it out to you. They may ask “What’s wrong?” “You don’t seem to be yourself?” It may be as subtle as a lacklustre feeling seeping into everything, or something feeling “off”.

How can you really know what your needs are?
Here’s a scenario that you might know well. You think that you need a bigger, better car, house, job, city etc. and then you will be happy. You might recognize this syndrome in others when you listen to them complain.

Some of us might actually be able to become the kind of excellent observers of our behaviour that allows us to suss out our true needs which most likely aren’t the kind that are satisfied by a new house. For the rest of us looking at the Reiss Desire Profile can be enlightening. This assessment is a comprehensive, standardized, objectively validated instrument that assesses 16 basic psychological needs. Fourteen of these needs or desires are based on animal behaviour; for example, power, independence and curiosity can all be found when studying the animal world.

Who is responsible for my needs?
The simple (yet not so simple) answer is… you are. Here’s an example of the not so simple answer. One of the most challenging needs, if it applies to you, is the need for Acceptance. Before you think that we all have that particular need, the truth is …. we don’t. Some people honestly could care less what you think about them. Not in a mean way – it simply isn’t on their radar screen.

If you have a need like this and expect that because you give it to a particular person or even a job that there is an automatic quid pro quo return due to you, you may be sadly mistaken. In addition it is not necessary. You need to be responsible for getting your need met but if you realize that you can get it met in many ways you can design a solution that works. In the case of Acceptance, there are organizations that value this need – overtly acknowledging this by giving awards and having recognition dinners. Volunteering or working with individuals or organizations that help meet this need takes the pressure off expecting to find it in all the wrong places. Dog owners often boast that they receive unconditional love and acceptance from their pet. Suggesting that a pet can make a difference may seem at first like a trite response – I’m not certain that it is.

So what?
Pay attention to your moods, your feeling of well being. Our emotions and our bodies are great sources of information for us if we pay attention.

If you aren’t sure what needs aren’t being met or what needs are being stepped on or what you are ignoring, look at a needs based tool such as the Reiss Desire Profile.

Take action into your own hands and make a plan to get your needs met. This is not a one time affair. Meeting your needs once does not make them go away. They drive your behaviour whether you are paying attention or not.

Gay and Katey are very discrete about which one is the enthusiastic squeezer and who likes a more systematic approach. What they do make clear is how differences can affect our relationships and how the day to day impact can build into something else indeed. Differences that make us uncomfortable can escalate from merely annoying to creating all kinds of rigid uncompromising postures and decisions. This can happen in a myriad of ways at work, at home, with friends and family.

The solution often begins with appreciating self and others and letting people be who and how they are. Or in this case by simply buying two tubes of paste.

This phrase came across my radar screen just after I posted my last blog that started with a litany of “can’ts”. The visual of the can really adds punch to the idea and lightens any heavy pressure to perform.

CAN’T see the doodle? You CAN at http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2011/success-comes-in-cans.html

• I’m not clear that this is the right strategy for me now
• There are just a few edits that I want to make
• People might not buy what I’m offering
• I can’t do this alone
• There are so many pieces I can’t quite figure out yet
• Things might change after this next client engagement

You get the picture.

They feel like genuine “more real than real” reasons. They might be seen as others as excuses.

You might be able to distinguish the truth in hindsight. In the moment, it is so tempting to label things as a reason than as an excuse. Then we might have to admit that we are afraid… afraid of failing, of looking inadequate or any number of fears.

I can imagine that each MBTI type has reasons/excuses that are more typical for their type. Do NT’s worry about such things as strategy – SJ’s about being able to achieve timely output – SP’s about being fenced in – NF’s about cutting off possibilities?

If you sense confusion or overwhelm is what is stopping you, get curious about what would happen if those reasons weren’t as solid as they appear.