Peruvian Chica

Good-bye

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 04:36:00 +0000

I guess I write because I have a feeling that I will write here a bit more often. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing? It comes from the fact that I just had to say goodbye to a good friend. Moving back overseas. You know living overseas means people coming into and out of your life a whole lot. You get used to good-byes. But maybe it isn't so much just the fact of living overseas but a bit more of being in and among people who come & go. Missions minded people may just have to learn to live, love and leave. A lot.

Okay, so why are "we" talking again? I guess because I realize that I need to talk...to process...to think out loud if you will. There is just a good chance that I will need to talk and share somewhere and that place might just be here.

Anyways, I just felt like I need to say that. I may be here more often. That's all. Thanks.

Included, yet Excluded

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 03:29:00 +0000

Yeah, this may not be the last you hear about this subject mostly because it burns me to think of how lame it is. How is it that you can receive an invitation to something you don't really feel welcome to, yet you make the decision to brave it. Once you brave the uncomfortable, you find yourself even more uncomfortable when you are obvious and evidently excluded. Lame. I wanted to pick up my keys at that moment and split! I didn't take off and I even spoke up to say that it was lame. So, at the end of the night, I felt better for being honest but the same as far as being included. It was just an uncomfortable evening to which I was invited as an afterthought. Oh well, live and learn. Right?

Inspired. Again.

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:04:00 +0000

So, months have gone by and suddenly I feel inspired to start to write a bit again. I wonder what the theme of this spurt might be. It seems the last one was me just trying to process all the pain I was feeling. Not that the pain is gone now, but at least I feel like I am on the road to healing in a way I wasn't several months ago.

Monday morning. I have more energy today simply because I stayed home yesterday. Seems more and more I recognize that I am an introvert. I get energy just from being alone. Yesterday, things just fell into place for me to do just about nothing. Sure, I drank my coffee in the morning; relaxed in the afternoon and even exercised. Then Amazing Race at 7pm followed by looking at pictures and crying because I miss Peru in the evening. I realize that I was truly happy there doing what I was doing, living where I was living and being with who I was with. My smiles were bigger and more genuine.

Today, I work and will stay to work out since I am on the journey to get healthy. I feel much better than I did a month ago, I have lost 10 pounds and inches off just about everywhere on my bod. But, I still have a ways to go!

Anyway, just felt like I needed to say (to no one) that I am back.

pain

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:10:00 +0000

In considering the ways in which we must allow ourselves to be crucified in order to identify with Christ, the one regarding pain stand out to me most.

After spending the weekend at HeartChange, we were encouraged and even in some ways forced to feel the pain. It was grueling to some extent, but well worth it in others. I had a headache & backache for some time and was dying for some relief. Several had prayed for me, prayed over me and I was not feeling better; in fact at times the headache got worse.

One morning when we were supposed to share from the heart I began to share how the headache and backache I had were overwhelming. It was leading me to see that once more, I was going to have to take care of myself. Just like in coming back from Peru. Just like in moving out of the last home I was in. Just like when I was a little girl and my parents weren't there for me. Just like all my life. My heart was crying out to be cared for.

The group gathered around me. They prayed, they cared and they loved. Eventually, I laid down, took more medicine and felt better after some time.

If I had not had that extreme pain, I would not have had the deep love. Interesting concept, no?

crucified

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 15:53:00 +0000

Today's study was about being crucified. "I have been crucified with Christ..." I am to identify with Christ in His death in order to allow Him to live through me. Trouble is, too often I am not sure how to identify with the crucified life. We covered some points today that I wanted to take note of.

1. I will be misunderstood as I pursue God.
2. I must relinquish my will, my plans and receive that which He has prepared for me.
3. This road may be lonely.
4. Alone may be exactly where God wants me.
5. I must always be prepared to give an answer.
6. I must be willing to do something different for God; get out of my box!
7. The road may be undignified.
8. I must relinquish my rights.
9. I must allow pain into my life and not try to medicate it away.
10. I must remember that I am not forsaken although I may feel that way at times.

I must be willing to identify with His crucifixion in order to identify with Him in His life!

prepared

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 15:29:00 +0000

We are starting out with a bit of an overview of Galatians in this study. I remember studying Galatians from the perspective of false teaching, but I sense that this is going to give me yet another perspective. Even further out, we started with a visit by Paul & Barnabus to Pisidian Antioch on the day of the sabbath, visiting a synagogue. The rulers read from the Law & the Prophets and sent word to Paul & Barnabus to share a word of encouragement.

Immediately, I am reminded of so many instances where I would be visiting a church in the mountains or jungles of Peru and simply because I was there, I would be asked to share. Oh, to be able to lay out a sermon like this at a moment's notice. To be able to articulate God's intimate involvement in history. Paul & Barnabus were ready to share at any moment. There was no self-doubt; no false humility; no worry of offense. Simply and concisely, they share saying "Listen to me!" and continue with an incredible sermon citing the history of God's hand in the people of Israel up to the opportunity to receive forgiveness because of Christ's sacrifice.

beyond

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 16:10:00 +0000

I sense that the word beyond will become more important that I can now fathom. I felt like I needed to get a quick sense about the meaning. The worldly meaning. But, I have a feeling that by the end of this, I will have a better grasp of what God wants to say through the word beyond.

Merriam Webster: from Old English begeondan, from be- + geondan beyond, from geond yond
Date: before 12th century

1 : on or to the farther side : farther
2 : in addition : besides

The Free Dictionary
prep.
1. On the far side of; past: Just beyond the fence.
2. Later than; after: beyond midnight.
3. To a degree that is past the understanding, reach, or scope of: an evil beyond remedy.
4. To a degree or amount greater than: rich beyond his wildest dreams.
5. In addition to: asked for nothing beyond peace and quiet.

adv.
1. Farther along or away.
2. In addition; more: wanted her share but nothing beyond.

n.
1. That which is past or to a degree greater than knowledge or experience; the unknown: "Sputnik, the first satellite to enter the great beyond of space" Dale Russakoff.
2. The world beyond death; the hereafter.

living beyond ourselves

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 15:55:00 +0000

So, I am excited to begin a new study. With others. It will be good. Strange how all the connections have happened, but yet I am still eager to see what God is up to. He has something planned, something designed for all of this. I really am not so sure what that is right now. But, I am glad to journey these next few months with these women.

We are going to be studying the Beth Moore study of Living Beyond Yourself. It is the study of Galatians with a focus on the fruit of the spirit. I am glad to participate and very glad to know that I will be learning more about how God wants to fill me and grow fruit through me.

I was just pondering the name.

Living. Something someone said recently has stuck with me. That I must learn how to live instead of only survive. That I have perfected my survival skills, but that I now have the opportunity to learn to live. I suppose I wonder and marvel at how much this may teach me just that. How to live!

Beyond. Sometimes we are eager to know there is more. That what we see, touch, hear and smell is not all there is. We long to know that there is more. I recognize that all too often I have cried out how much I hate my life. Not really life in general, but my life. The daily activities of living. I am again eager to see something more. Something beyond. When you think of the word, there is almost this sense of hope for more; hope that there is truly something besides what you can see.

Yourself. Myself. Again, not always happy with who I am. Knowing there is more. I do long to have God heal, restore and make me whole. Maybe this will truly be a time for me to see God reach in and do a bit of that. It is not all about me; never has been. I need to see God at work in me. I need to comprehend that God has more for me. I need to allow Him to get in deep; deeper than I have before.

Living. Beyond. Yourself.

It is my prayer that I will learn to live, not just survive.
It is my prayer that I will have hope in the "beyond".
It is my prayer that I will see God and not just myself.

transformation

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 15:38:00 +0000

Transformation is more than just knowing the Word of God. I can know what the Bible says and I can know what God intends for me. But I can still be left wondering how transformation comes about.

What more must take place besides just learning and knowing? How does that transfer into change? Honestly, I know a lot, I believe a lot yet something inside of me knows there is a lot farther to journey before I arrive at "being transformed."

I long to see the changes I can now only dream about. Normally I am one who can see all the steps in the process to bring about change. Yet in this one, I cannot conceive of what would be necessary, or maybe I really do know and just don't want to actually admit it.

Transformation. How has it come about in your life? How have you become free from your past? How have you seen change come into your life?

today

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 07:01:00 +0000

It's my birthday. A depressing sort of day for me. I mentioned that the day before my birthday is full of sad memories. Well, seems as though it only got more depressing. I got news today that my grandmother is in a full time care facility because her dementia was out of control. It makes me sad that she will never be the grandmother that gave hugs that hurt anymore. She may not even remember me anymore. I guess I just find that kind of sad and depressing.

Besides getting bad news, I am struggling to figure out what to do tomorrow. I work during the day and of course I would love to have some friends come by tomorrow in the evening. Except I don't want to extend the effort only to be rejected. What if I invite people and they don't come by? I have waited long enough, it would not surprise me if no one could. So do I just decide that no one comes and that is that? No invites, no rejections. I think that is my current plan, sadly enough.

More later. I should sleep.

ten years ago...

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Sun, 31 May 2009 16:06:00 +0000

Ten years ago today, I got a call I never would have imagined. Ten years ago today, the news shocked me to the point of me collapsing to the floor. Ten years ago today, I lost someone I cared about deeply.

I spent Memorial Day at a BBQ in the park with a group of friends. After the BBQ was over, I visited some friends in their home, just to say hello. I cannot remember how long I stayed or what we talked about. But afterwards, I drove home alone.

The light was blinking on the machine. I had a message or two. One was from my father, asking me to call him. He had bad news to share. Truthfully, I couldn't even fathom what kind of news he was ready to tell me. If I would have known, maybe I would never have called.

I returned the call only to find out that my stepmom Laura had died that day. I imagined a car accident where cars spun out of control or another sort of accident which may have instantly taken her life. But, I would not have imagined that when I asked how he would have hesitated to tell me. He said that she took her own life. The nice way to say that she chose to kill herself.

I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and knocked all the wind out of me. I remember pacing from my kitchen to the living room and back, over and over, as I talked on the phone. I asked for more details, I tried to understand.

My dad explained that she had been missing for several days and that only today they found her car parked at a campsite on Mt. Diablo and found her body in a nearby ravine, full of pills and alcohol; she had left the can of Drano in the car. She had smoked several cigarettes while she was waiting for it all to take effect.

I remember that my dad asked if there was anything he could do for me. I couldn't even imagine what. He was a couple hours away and I was alone in my apartment with my knees giving away. I called a friend of mine who drove 45 minutes to see me and my roommate unexpectedly came home that evening.

I sobbed and sobbed. I don't remember any of the conversation that night. I don't remember going to bed. I don't remember my thoughts about it all.

I just remember that 10 years ago today, my life was changed.

invisible

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Sat, 30 May 2009 22:27:00 +0000

Sometimes I wonder why I have this desire to feel invisible. I wonder why I want to disappear.

I have this really strong urge to yell and scream right now, I have this deep feeling of being unwanted & unloved. Being a burden and being in the way. To avoid all of those feelings, I want to become invisible, make myself disappear.

I think something I feel like I am treated as though I am invisible and I wish my abilities allowed me to match the outside with the inside. As in, if the people that I care about consistently communicate that they don't want me around, I would rather not be around. I would rather find a way to not be there at all. If those that I seek approval from turn and look the other way, I don't seem to learn not to seek approval, I find myself growing in pain and hurt.

My heart seems to be crushed over and over wanting so badly to be wanted and feeling over and over the rejection of reality. When will ever learn to stop hoping for something different?

abandoned

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Thu, 28 May 2009 18:55:00 +0000

I am filling out a questionnaire for a workshop I will attend in a couple of weeks. The question at hand has to do with my present relationship with God. In answering, something was revealed to me.

I feel abandoned.

Abandoned. Forsaken. Neglected. To turn away from entirely. Deserted.

It feels like more than just loneliness. It is deeper. Heavier.

Discarded. Rejected.

Yes, I know God says, never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. But I still feel that way. From God, from family, from friends. In general. In life.

unwanted

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Thu, 28 May 2009 18:29:00 +0000

Today, I am feeling unwanted. Surely there is a series of things that lead me to think, feel and even believe this.

I need to move out of the place I am living. I was told that almost 10 days ago. I have no where to go and no idea where to even look. The very fact that I am still here allows the feeling of guilt to creep in and take root. I feel bad that I am taking up space, taking up attention and simply have not yet moved on from here.

My family has hardly contacted me. Supposedly there was a lot of excitement that I was returning to the states. Somehow that excitement must have meant, we are really excited that you are not only moving back to the states but that now you will make every effort to be part of our lives, not the other way around. I feel frustrated and hurt that I have to be the one to coordinate visiting them and coordinate all of their schedules. I wish they would have made the effort to come and see me or the effort to plan something that I could go down to. But instead, there is this feeling of we are content without you, fit in if you find a place. Again, unwanted.

There are so many other facets of my life right now where if I weren't around, it feels as though it would not matter. As if people wouldn't really care if I were here or not. That, for me, is an awful feeling.

I think there are lots of situations throughout my life that I have just felt unwanted, discarded, and in the way. With friends and with family. Literally, I could write and write and write all the moments at home, at school and so many other places where I just felt less than, felt unwanted and not cared for.

So what am I to do about it? How do I get past that? Yes, I long to express that to someone, to be heard and still accepted. How can I grieve that feeling and instead replace it with something else? Where does it come from?

What do I do when these present situations trigger past feelings? How do I press through them? How do I grieve them? How do I grow from them?

stuck

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Mon, 25 May 2009 01:39:00 +0000

I feel uncomfortable in my environment. Not because my environment is making me uncomfortable but because that storm has taken residence in my heart. So instead of being among others, I find it easier to hide and avoid how I feel since I cannot seem to numb how I feel. I know these are not the right steps to take to deal with my issues.

These are the moments when I feel like a little girl and I just wish someone would reach out to me and help me to process what is in my heart. I simply cannot deal with it, don't know how to deal with it and I need help. Yet, the road to seek help is the hardest on for me to walk on.

What do I need right now? To just be heard. To be able to share what is going on in my head, to be heard and to still be loved and accepted. And I hate that I need anything from anybody. I wish I could deal with all of this on my own. I know that I can't, but still I try.

I am mad that I even have to face these things at all. I am mad that there is so much hurt inside me that it hurts to even just get it out. I am mad that I cannot face things once and be over them. I am mad that I had to just learn to deal with things alone; that it is the only way I know.

When will all of these things inside of me be healed? When will I feel whole?

invitation

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Sun, 24 May 2009 22:15:00 +0000

Dang! Why do I hear the "well, you can come if you want to" invitation as not an invitation but more as an after thought. I long to be included in things and yet when someone presents the inclusion in such a way that sounds like I will just be a burden or am unwanted, I will just refuse. If you want to invite me, invite me. Don't invite others in the room and then throw that out there like some kind of scrap, "well, you can come if you want to."

feeling protected

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Sun, 24 May 2009 20:38:00 +0000

Today, my heart is longing to feel safe and protected. I think about the many times throughout my life which I have simply not felt that way. It seems like I typically felt unsafe and unprotected by others. Those others being people who should have sought to protect me. My childhood was riddled with moments of feeling unsafe and my adulthood is now stained with the same feelings.

So, I have learned through the majority of my experiences that I must take care of myself. I must learn to protect myself. I must make sure I am safe. I can count on no one else to do that for me.

So how do I reconcile that with the reality that God wants to protect me, wants to keep me safe, wants to be my shelter, wants to hide me under His wings. How do I trust that someone else will be there to protect and shelter me? How do I believe that I don't always have to rely on myself? This is hard for me to understand and I am struggling today to not be envious of so many people around me who do in fact have those protectors in life; people who serve to keep them safe.

Why did God allow me so many experiences for me to learn the very opposite of what he truly wants for me to know? This is confusing and so very hard to unlearn.

elevator

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Sun, 24 May 2009 20:03:00 +0000

Once, I was stuck in an elevator. My mom and I lived in an apartment building. It was the first time I lived anywhere but a house. I had always had a yard around a one story house. The apartments had one or maybe more elevators. I would usually choose to ride the elevator, maybe out of novelty, maybe out of laziness.

I went through a time when I would play a game and sort of fight the elevator. I would try to hold the doors open while they tried to close. I have no idea how this game started, but I would do it whenever I got in the elevator alone.

On one particular day, I did the same thing. As the doors began to close, with all my strength I tried to keep them open. It wasn't so much that I wanted them to stay open but I wanted to fight was was happening. I pushed against the force of the elevator and on that fateful day I managed to cause something different to happen.

Instead of the inside doors simply taking longer to close, they stayed slightly open. By a few inches. The elevator wasn't properly closed and it wasn't going to go up or down. The outside door was tightly shut and the inside ones had a crack big enough to stick my hand through. I began to consider how I would live in that elevator for the rest of my life. They would have to push a blanket through for me to use to sleep and food for me to eat.

At some point, I knocked, I press buttons. Then, I began to pound and yell. I was stuck on the first floor and was trying to make it to our apartment on the third floor. I could hear people gathering around the outside door, yelling things to me. There was one point in which my mother was outside the door and loudly asked if anyone was in the elevator with me, with panic in her voice. I yelled back NO! I was not afraid of anyone and what they might do to me; I was fearful of living out my days in a square metal box.

More people gathered outside the doors. At some point a crowbar was being used to pry open the outside of one of the doors. People were trying to talk with me, my mother sounded hysterical. I heard talk of calling 911; or that they had already been called. There was total confusion and a flurry of talk and commotion.

At some point, the door to the elevator on my floor was forced open. Something was reset and the inside door closed and opened completely. I was free to live outside of the metal lined room for the remainder of my life. There was such relief in me.

But once I got out, I felt guilty. Guilty for causing such commotion. Guilty for thinking I would live there forever. Most of all, I then had to see my hysterical mother. I was the one responsible for her distress.

I guess the difficult thing was that as a child, I would have liked to have been comforted. Instead I was the comforter. That's messed up!

wanting

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Sun, 24 May 2009 19:54:00 +0000

It truly is amazing how often I have the desire to run. The storm seems to enter my heart and I don't know how to take shelter, so instead it seems easier to hide or run.

Right this minute, my heart is longing for things I never had; that I will likely never have. That hurts and leaves me wanting. I hear affection, I hear love and my heart cries out for the same. For so long, I never considered what I did not have as something I ever wanted. How could you want what you never had? How could you long for that which you did not know? If you knew it was not yours to have, is it foolish to continue to desire it?

Do I step back and consider that only if God places the longing in my heart would I have it there? I want so badly for those longings to be filled. I don't just want to feel the emptiness of them any longer. Again, this is why I so often chose to not feel. I didn't want to want something I couldn't have.

the storm

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Sat, 23 May 2009 16:12:00 +0000

I realized, through the power of my own words, that the storm is inside of me.

I was struggling with a lot of things yesterday. My friends returned earlier that I had expected and I felt a bit like a failure for not having finished cleaning, packing, and clearing out of the room. Then there was a bit of family time over melon and popcorn. During that time, I felt like an observer. One person had been added to the table and it seemed to change everything and nothing at all. I watched as the interactions happened and realized that I had no real idea of how to participate or be involved in the conversation.

My family was never like that. There was always tension. It was always serious. We really didn't laugh or even smile together. Suddenly, I was sad, envious, frustrated all at the same time. Once again, I wanted to crawl into a hole and just not ever come out. I heard everything as a reminder of all I didn't have, all I wished that could have been.

As I was writing some of these things to a friend, I was answering a question and it truly dawned on me that it wasn't that the circumstances and people around me that were making me feel all of these things. It was the very storm inside of me. I was making me feel these things. The storm inside me was making me feel these things.

It is sort of relieving to think that it is not about where I am or who I am around that pushes me to that point. It really does have to do more with the climate inside me, if the storm is raging or the sun is shining. So now my million dollar question is how do I get that storm which currently resides inside of me, out of me? How does the storm get out?

college

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Fri, 22 May 2009 05:16:00 +0000

So my friends are picking up their daughter at college. I think it is great that even as she finishes her second year of higher level education, they still interact in such a way that there is interdependence and counting on one another. They return tomorrow and there will be a few short weeks of the whole family being together before others go away for summer projects.

I guess for me though, there is this pang of sadness, of disappointment. Not because she is coming home, but because I am reminded that I missed out.

My last few weeks of high school, there was a lot of friction in my home from a recent marriage between my mom and her practically-still-a-teenager husband and their new son born exactly nine months and a day after their vows. My "first love" had dumped me. The day after prom. My birthday. Life was rough and I needed somewhere to feel better about things. I remember taking refuge in my friend's home. Her family accepted me as part and I ate meals, slept over and even housesat when they took my friend to college.

When it was my turn to head north and check myself in to the dorms at Sac State, I think I assumed that someone would take me as well. At that point, I essentially had four to choose from. I even asked each one, well probably three out of four, to go with me. To take me. To drop me off. To help me settle in. One by one they refused. Too busy. Weren't comfortable. Would drive up later.

The night before I drove away, I sat up talking to my ex most of the night. You know, the dumped-me-on-my-birthday guy? Most of the night meaning I got home sometime before dawn and packed the back part of my truck up with boxes, bags and whatever else I decided was important for me to have there. That meant carrying things down the stairs and heading back up, alone, after each load. Maybe they were sleeping, maybe just watching. I have no recollection. Likely I don't want to remember. At that point, it felt like every other day in my life so far. Alone and having to fend for myself.

Exhausted and falling asleep at the wheel I drove up highway 5 in order to arrive at Desmond Hall in time for the sun to soon appear. New city. New life. New friends. I was thrilled and excited to begin my college adventure. Just as I had carried all the boxes down the stairs to my car when I left home, I had to carry everything up several flights of stairs to create my new Sacramento home.

My roommate, Allyson, brought along her parents, her best friend and her boyfriend. I had none of those. Her mom thought I was "easy" because I appeared so independent. The funny thing is, at that point I didn't really see anything strange about my situation. I had grown really used to the way I was forced to live my life - alone and self-sufficient. Ally and I became fast friends and my parents even came the following Saturday to visit and see where home was now for me.

From my point of view now, I cannot believe that I went alone. After not having slept. That I packed alone. That I unpacked alone. I am sad that I wasn't cared for. That no one was around to help me. In some ways I cannot even express what I think and feel about it. It is as though I am speechless. I am left without words.

But as I think about my friends picking up their daughter after her second full year away, something in me cries out with envy. Why wasn't someone there for me? Why did I have to learn to live life alone so young? It is hard for me to know, painful for me to remember and sad to consider. What if things had been different? What if one of my parents had taken time out of their day that day to travel along with me and make sure I was taken care of? What if one had actually been a parent that day?

I hope their daughter knows how lucky she is.

life and artichokes

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Fri, 22 May 2009 02:14:00 +0000

Life is like an artichoke.
You have to go through a lot to get a little.

This is so how I feel about life and artichokes!

burden

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Thu, 21 May 2009 05:35:00 +0000

I never want to be a burden. To anyone. Tonight someone questioned why I use that word. I never think of myself as an inconvenience. That sounds trivial, light. I will always refer to myself as a burden. That is how I see myself. What I think about myself.

What is a burden? According to Merriam Webster, it is something that is carried, something oppressive or worrisome, the bearing of a load. According to Wikipedia, it is a heavy weight that is difficult to carry. Metaphorically it refers to anything difficult or troubling.

So, do I see myself as oppressive, a load to bear, a heavy weight I place on others? In so many ways I do. I sense as though my one time of asking for someone to listen to me would be such a terrible inconvenience that it would wind up being as a burden to them.

She asked if anyone had ever said that to me? Has anyone at some point in my life said to me that I am a burden? Interesting question, something to ponder. Truthfully, I cannot remember right off the bat. I don't know if I even felt that way about myself growing up. But I know that in friendships, I absolutely feel that way. I want so desperately to talk and to share with people, I want to be known. Yet, that very desire remains locked away because I am too afraid to say anything, to share (without being asked first) or to need anything or anybody. Why can't it be simpler? Why can't I trust that my friends are my friends? Or trust in what a friend is?

Am I a burden? Do I see myself only as that? Why? How can that be changed?

fine

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Thu, 21 May 2009 05:31:00 +0000

That is my answer for everything. Whether I am upset, angry, hurt, mad, whatever...I will always say that I am fine. I have no other response. It means nothing really. It means ask again in a different way. Why can't I just be straight with people. When I am hurt, say I am hurt. When I am mad, say that I am mad. When I am ticked off, say so. When I am sad, express it. And on and on. Why is everything fine? Why don't I own how I feel?

How are you? I'm fine.

fight or flight

noreply@blogger.com (Gretchen Noelle) — Wed, 20 May 2009 20:46:00 +0000

Here is an excerpt I found appropriate:

When our fight or flight system is activated, we tend to perceive everything in our environment as a possible threat to our survival. By its very nature, the fight or flight system bypasses our rational mind—where our more well thought out beliefs exist—and moves us into "attack" mode. This state of alert causes us to perceive almost everything in our world as a possible threat to our survival. As such, we tend to see everyone and everything as a possible enemy. Like airport security during a terrorist threat, we are on the look out for every possible danger. We may overreact to the slightest comment. Our fear is exaggerated. Our thinking is distorted. We see everything through the filter of possible danger. We narrow our focus to those things that can harm us. Fear becomes the lens through which we see the world.

We can begin to see how it is almost impossible to cultivate positive attitudes and beliefs when we are stuck in survival mode. Our heart is not open. Our rational mind is disengaged. Our consciousness is focused on fear, not love. Making clear choices and recognizing the consequences of those choices is unfeasible. We are focused on short-term survival, not the long-term consequences of our beliefs and choices. When we are overwhelmed with excessive stress, our life becomes a series of short-term emergencies. We lose the ability to relax and enjoy the moment. We live from crisis to crisis, with no relief in sight. Burnout is inevitable. This burnout is what usually provides the motivation to change our lives for the better. We are propelled to step back and look at the big picture of our lives—forcing us to examine our beliefs, our values and our goals. Mind/Body Education Center