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Several weeks ago I reached out by phone to a senior private equity professional in the Southwest, as I had not heard from him in a while. He had reached out to me in 2016, when he was considering whether to leave his current employer and pursue raising capital for his own fund, a long-time dream of his. When “Jack” – not his real name – answered his cell phone, I asked him whether it was a good time to speak. He responded “No, I’ll call you back in 15 minutes.” I never heard from him again.

One can consider Jack’s behavior one of two ways. As a personal matter, his not calling me back represented a minor breach of integrity, what many would deem to be a “white lie.” Nobody was terribly hurt in this interaction and I certainly did not take his lie to heart. As a business matter, his behavior was an egregious red flag. Jack’s profession – successful stewardship and deployment of investors’ capital into private businesses – revolves around trust, not only trust in one’s investing competence, but even more so on trust in one’s integrity. Senior private equity investors such as Jack will be challenged raising capital on their own, regardless of their past returns, if they do not project and model integrity in all of their professional and personal interactions.

When I have thought about Jack’s “integrity leakage”, although I do not take such behavior personally, it has occurred to me that perhaps I have been holding others to an unattainable standard, particularly in light of more frequent occurrences of “integrity leakage” of some of our most prominent public figures. My perspective shifted recently when I met with a current CEO client, who I’ll call “Jill”, and we engaged in a conversation about integrity. She recounted that she had devised a metric called the “Say-Do Ratio” in her dealings with all of the stakeholders of her firm. Essentially, the “Say-Do Ratio” is a fraction, comprised of the denominator – the number of commitments one makes – and the numerator – the number of times the subject completes their commitments. My client maintains a general sense of each of her major stakeholders’ “Say-Do Ratios” when she considers her interactions with each of them. Jill’s “Say-Do Ratio” is very close to, if not, 100%. Jill helped to return me firmly back to the perspective that as professionals and human beings, our word continues to be our bond.

Based on the above two examples, whom do you model your language and integrity after, Jack or Jill? How would you lead and manage your colleagues and stakeholders differently if you considered their respective “Say-Do Ratios” in all your interactions with them? How would your world of work change for the better if you challenged yourself to maintain a 100% “Say-Do Ratio” for the next month? If your personal “Say-Do Ratio” is less than 100% at the end of the month, this may be an eye opener for you to re-examine your language, your behavior and the value of your word.

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Talk Less. Listen More – The more I study effective leadership, the more I hear about the importance of listening. I mean REALLY listening – putting away your smartphones in meetings, acknowledging that you understand someone by repeating their words back to them and focusing not only on a speaker’s words, but also their intonation, emotionality and body language. Countless studies have proven that individuals in organizations are far more willing to go along with and support change and new initiatives if they feel that their voices in such matters have been heard and considered. And, yeah, I have found that listening works very well with your kids too!

Focus on Your Breathing – For years, yogis and meditators of every stripe have preached the power of concentration on one’s breathing as a means of helping to induce and maintain a meditative state. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Navy SEALS use a four-part breathing sequence called “Box Breathing” to calm and center themselves during training and on missions. Tony Robbins even has a “breath coach!” I also find that slowing down and taking one or two deep, conscious breathes during any stressful moment works wonders.

Express Gratitude – I start each morning with a simple gratitude practice upon waking, saying “thank you” out loud 5-10 times. I find this effortless ritual subtly puts me in a great frame of mind to take on the day. By focusing briefly each day on what is working well in our lives; on the small and large results of our efforts and talents that we take for granted, we decrease the weight and magnitude of the areas that are not working as well.

Repeat – The word “repeat” could be replaced by “practice daily.” All effective changes in behavior, be they in the worlds of athletics, creative performance or business derive from PRACTICE. If one does not consistently practice new – and often uncomfortable – behaviors, one is not likely to achieve mastery in those areas. Whether your activity is short irons on the golf course, public speaking, sniping a hockey wrist shot top shelf or completing your first marathon, practice goes hand in hand with changing behavior towards long-term mastery.

Although back in 2012, this phrase adequately summed up my thoughts regarding instructions for a conscious and fulfilling life, my thoughts have evolved as of 2017. So, what was missing? The instructions as first conceived may provide suitable guidance for one choosing to live an inward life, one filled with reflection and awareness. They may have applied well for a contemplative or an individual alone in a cave in the Himalayas, but not so much for an individual in the arena of life. I contend that to lead a truly fulfilling life – not just a conscious life – one must live in the outer world; one must interact with others and make a positive difference. So, my current thinking is to add the qualities of 1) An Action Orientation, and 2) Service to Others.

Action Orientation – In my coaching with successful executives, I often find myself extolling the virtues of grit, perseverance and an action orientation. The difference between those who just talk about lofty, challenging goals and those who actually achieve those goals is an action orientation, a willingness to take daily, consistent small – and sometimes large and uncomfortable actions – to achieve their goals. Other factors come into play in goal achievement, but no lofty goal is achieved without daily, decisive action steps.

Service to Others – Philosophers and spiritual teachers as far back as Lao Tzu around 500 B.C. through Robert Greenleaf in 1970 and and numerous more recent authors including Adam Grant in “Give and Take” have extolled the power and effectiveness of the leader as servant. In any organization, when we place the needs of others before our own, we increase our chances of effecting change and achieving goals. In addition, numerous studies including a 2013 study from Carnegie Mellon have confirmed the long-term health benefits, including reduced blood pressure, of service!

In the coming weeks, I’ll work on adding these two additional concepts to my instructions. In the meantime, if any of you have other areas that you think my instructions are lacking OR if you have a concise way to summarize the concepts of Action Orientation and Service to Others, I would very much like to hear from you. For now, I am amending the instructions to “Talk Less. Listen More. Focus on Your Breathing. Express Gratitude. Take Actions Toward your BHAGs. Serve Others. Repeat.” How might your life positively change if you incorporated your own set of “life instructions” daily?

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The “Six Question Process” is a series of six questions that executives can use to structure bi-monthly or quarterly “check-ins” with direct reports to build relationship, create transparency and optimal business results.

1. Where are we going?
2. Where are you going?
3. What do you think you are doing well?
4. What are some suggestions for improvement?
5. How can I help?
6. What suggestions do you have for me to be a better manager?

Marshall urges the leader to introduce the concept of mutual responsibility at the end of the check-in, as follows: “I am going to take responsibility to ask you these six questions during each of our quarterly check-ins. If at any time between check-ins, you – the direct report – need more clarity or are experiencing any confusion about anything we have discussed; if you are not clear on priorities or direction, or you just need some coaching, come talk to me.

If you take responsibility for that piece, there is no reason we should have any confusion.” Marshall claims that he has never seen the Six Question Process fail among the CEOs he has coached.

If you would like to learn more about the “Six Question Process”, I recommend you watch the first six minutes of the YouTube video below, in which Marshall explains the process.

How would you leadership evolve if you began implementing the “Six Question Process” right away? How would your relationships with your direct reports change? What could the impact on your business be?

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1.       Maintain at Least One “Big Rock”

Bob noted how many retired senior executives in the public company arena occupy themselves in later life by serving on a variety of public company boards, to paraphrase Bob “by working on a number of ‘small rocks’ simultaneously.”  Bob was advised that while this work may be lucrative and interesting, there is not enough responsibility and personal accountability in ‘dabbling’ on a wide variety of projects, where accountability is spread among many individuals.  To thrive and maintain a high degree of engagement, one needs to have at least ONE ‘big rock’ that calls for a high degree of accountability, i.e. maintaining the role of Chairman of a public company, foundation or non-profit entity.

2.       Spend More Time with the Most Positive People and Young People

One of Bob’s advisors explained a simple method for how he divided his time among different types of individuals.  He classified people as one of four types, based on how he experienced his interactions with them.  1. The “Positive Positive, 2. The “Positive”, 3. The “Negative”, and 4. The “Negative Negative.”  (Bob emphasized that this advisor was not making blanket judgments regarding these individuals.  He was only ranking them based on his own interactions with them.)  This advisor tracked how much time he spent with each of the four types of people.  As he has aged, he has set a goal to spend more time with those in categories 1 and 2 and as little time as possible with those in categories 3 and 4.  As simplistic as this may appear, the important takeaway is to develop the awareness around how one chooses to spend one’s time and to plan one’s interactions accordingly.  Stated simply, figure out who are the “Negative” and “Negative, Negative” people in your life and do your best to spend as little time with them as possible!  And, obviously, spend as much time as possible with the “Positive” and “Positive, Positive” individuals!  This same advisor also advised to spend much of your time with younger, even college and graduate age individuals.  In his current role, as Co-Director of Public Leadership at a major university, this advisor spends a good deal of every work day engaged with undergraduate and graduate students of the university.  He professes that the idealism of youth helps him to stay positive and energized.

3.       When “Re-Potting”, Lean-in on Your Gifts

Many senior executives embarking on an “Act II” process late in a career use the metaphor of “re-potting” themselves.  The collective advice that Bob received from his investigations around re-potting, is that this process can lead to rich rewards, new-found energy and re-engagement.  That said, Bob was cautioned to not lose sight of the gifts and talents that resulted in success and fulfillment during “Act I.”  All senior executives upon embarking on an “Act II” process must take stock of the character traits and innate gifts and talents that helped create their initial success and seek out possible roles where they can leverage those personal qualities.

4.       Be Open to Serendipity

Many highly accomplished executives seem to have lived out their professional lives according to a defined plan from the moment they graduated from college, or even earlier in some cases.  One of Bob’s advisors, a highly regarded business school professor and groundbreaking author on innovation, advised Bob to be open to serendipity in seeking out his next opportunity.  Often, against generally accepted wisdom, wonderful career opportunities can present themselves in unplanned and unforeseen ways.  If one persists rigidly to “stay on plan”, one is inclined to miss out on such opportunities.

Whether or not one is an A+ list CEO such as Bob, these lessons certainly apply to those considering a move from Act I to Act II in the near future.  What will your Act II be?  When will you make the move?  What are you waiting for?

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Lessons from SEALFIT Kokoro Camp – June 2014

“On your feet!”, “On your stomachs!”, “On your backs!”, “On your feet!”, the former Navy SEAL bellowed at me and 12 other exhausted SEALFIT Kokoro Camp participants. None of us had slept in over 50 hours and yet we doggedly repeated his commands in unison while we jumped from our feet to our stomachs, to our backs, etc. All around us on the roughly 30′ by 30′ slab of concrete – the “grinder” – at SEALFIT Headquarters in Encinitas, CA, six or seven other instructors – most active or former Navy SEALs – barked out contradictory commands, splashed us with ice cold water, held police sirens up to our faces all in a concerted effort to prevent us from following and complying with the commands of the lead instructor.

It was a gorgeous, Southern California summer Sunday morning and all 13 of us knew we were approaching the finish of this 50-plus hour experience of Navy SEAL Hell Week. During the preceding two days, we had all been put through innumerable physical and mental challenges – and we were not finished yet! Through our exhaustion, the soreness of our muscles and joints and numerous cuts and abrasions covering our forearms and lower legs, we had to continue to direct our awareness towards the lead instructor.

In between the segments of jumping up and down from stomachs to feet to backs, etc. we were also – in three teams of four or five – lifting, squatting and pressing overhead, three 200-plus pound logs. As mid-morning turned to early afternoon, our spirits rose with the sight of Coach Mark Divine appearing on the grinder. We were all well aware that Coach Divine – an imposing former Navy SEAL and the creator of SEALFIT – would be the one to issue the final command, “Kokoro 32 is secure!” signifying that the camp had ended and that the 13 of us that remained out of 16 initial participants had succeeded in our mission.

After another 20-25 minutes of working with our respective logs, with woefully inadequate precision, for which we were harshly reprimanded, we were instructed to run up to the nearby point overlooking the Pacific Ocean, collect ourselves, and then run back down to the grinder to get it right this time. Running back down to the compound, we took a moment to gather ourselves, line up in two even columns and remind ourselves to re-enter the grinder with chests high and a sense of pride. With this, the energy shifted and we felt as if we were approaching the end.

Entering the grinder we positioned ourselves with our teams next to our logs with a collective intention to focus, dig deep and work in unison. Hearing the next instruction, we squatted with aching quads, hoisted the logs to our shoulders, and with seven consecutive unified, overhead presses, we shouted the seven stanzas of the Navy SEAL Code in unison with ferocious gusto! At the end of the seventh stanza – “Earn your Trident every day!” – Coach Divine yelled, “Kokoro 32 is secure!”

Time stopped. We lowered our logs to the grinder and I screamed with joy, acting out a vivid image I had visualized hundreds of times in the months leading up to this moment. Dazed, elated and exhausted all at once, the 13 of us, some in tears, exchanged hugs, high fives and fist bumps, each thinking some variation of the same glowing thought – “I did it!”

That was Sunday, June 22, nearly five weeks ago. With the passage of time for reflection, I am moved to memorialize several of the lessons I have learned about goal achievement from this experience, each of which you can use to achieve your own audacious professional or personal goals. Several of these come directly from Coach Divine in his book “The Way of the SEAL.” Here are the five primary lessons:

1. Use of Micro Goals

For both the months of preparation leading up to the Kokoro Camp weekend and during the weekend itself, I broke up the primary goals of 1) successfully preparing physically, mentally and spiritually for SEALFIT, and 2) successfully completing the event itself, into smaller shorter-term, micro-goals. For example, in my training, I worked towards achieving mastery of each of the physical standards – one each for pull-ups, pushups, squats, a timed mile run, etc. – that I needed to demonstrate to qualify for SEALFIT. Mentally, the task seemed less daunting if broken down into bite-sized achievements. During the course of the weekend itself, getting through the entire weekend would have seemed near impossible if I had just focused on the primary goal of lasting through Sunday afternoon. Instead, I focused myself on just getting to the next meal, telling myself “I will keep going until lunch or dinner.” When exhaustion was setting in during the course of the 11-mile, 4,000 foot climb up Mt. Palomar on Saturday night/Sunday morning, I adjusted my thinking saying “I just need to make it the next quarter mile” or “I am going to keep hiking until the next switchback. Then, I will set another goal.” Had I been thinking “Just 17 or 18 more hours to go”, I would have completely lost my motivation, as the task would have seemed insurmountable. You can use this approach of breaking down any BHAG – big, hairy audacious goal – into manageable smaller goals.

2.  Visualization

During the months of physical training and preparation prior to the event, I took additional time to visualize success. During my daily meditations, I carved out a few moments to create a mental picture of the moment when Coach Divine would yell, “Kokoro 32 is secure!” When creating this image, I focused on adding as much rich detail to the mental image as possible. What was I wearing? What was the weather? How did my body feel? What were the thoughts and feelings going through my head and heart at the moment of completion? Not only did I visualize this mental picture in the months leading up to SEALFIT, but I also focused intently on this image of success during some of the most challenging moments during the weekend of SEALFIT itself. Much has been written about the suggestivity of our brains and the power of visualization to achieve goals and improve performance, particularly in sports. However, one can use visualization to succeed at ANY goal, professional or personal. I often advise my coaching clients to visualize their behavior and success prior to pivotal business meetings. So, when you began the pursuit of your next big, audacious goal create a richly detailed image of success and come back to it again and again.

3.  Power Mantras

Developing a short, memorable phrase that one can repeat over and over again during demanding moments – the moments when circumstances are not unfolding as planned – is critical for the successful achievement of outlandish goals. Coach Divine recounted one of the his power mantras he created to make it through Navy SEAL Hell Week – “Looking good, feeling good, oughta be in Hollywood!” – on numerous occasions throughout our Kokoro Camp weekend. Repetition of one’s power mantra during trying moments, either spoken out loud to oneself or repeated in one’s mind, helps to crowd out negative thoughts and, in my experience, even hold physical pain at bay. During the Saturday evening/Sunday morning 22-mile march up and down Mt. Palomar, when exhaustion, aching shoulders and a blistered left foot were conspiring to fill my mind with negative thoughts and emotions, I repeated one of my longer power mantras – “Minute by minute, with steadfast grit and persistence, I dramatically increase my power to inspire my sons and everyone I touch” – over and over again, even reducing the words “minute by minute” to “step by step.” The more that I focused on the words in my head, the less I felt any physical pain in my foot or shoulders. In a professional context, experiment with power mantras prior to critical meetings or phone calls to hold negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs at bay.

4.  Establish a Strong “Why”

On Friday evening, eight hours into our 50-plus hour event, Coach Divine met with us as we were re-fueling with lasagna, pizza, salad and electrolytes. He asked us each to recount to the group each of our individual “whys.” As he had explained to us, a “why” statement is the answer to “Why are you here? Why are you undertaking SEALFIT?” As each participant spoke of their “why”, it became clear that we were hearing profoundly heartfelt and personal reasons, from voices filled with emotion and even tears. We were listening to a series of very strong “whys.” To complete an event as physically and mentally demanding as SEALFIT, each of us needed a strong, highly personal “why” to fall back on during our weakest moments. So, as you identify wildly audacious personal and/or professional goals for yourself, think hard and identify several highly resonant “whys” that answer the question “Why am I undertaking this goal?” The stronger and more resonant your responses, the higher the likelihood that you will achieve your goal.

5.  Keep Serving Your Teammates

During your work towards achievement of any big, audacious goal, there will be times when you are bordering on despair, when the obstacles seem insurmountable and you just want to quit. Welcome to your personal pity party! We have all experienced these moments. During my mental preparation prior to SEALFIT, and during the event itself, I strove to condition myself to direct my attention on my teammates and their needs, particularly when I was really hurting and the most annoyed with my physical state. By focusing on the needs of others, we deflect our attention away from our pitiable state and move to positive action. For example, one of our teammates, an aspiring SEAL candidate named Monroe, was struggling mightily on Saturday afternoon, as he was working through a prescribed minimum standard CrossFit workout called “Murph” that required him to run a mile with full pack before and after completing a grueling series of pull-ups, pushups and squats. Several of us who had already finished the workout, including the second mile run, saw his struggle and volunteered to run along side him, and offer encouragement, as he ventured out on his second mile. For me, that one-mile was the easiest mile I ran during the entire experience. For those eight or ten minutes, my attention was completely on Monroe, not on my own aching body. After the mile, I felt re-energized and ready for the next training evolution, as I had momentarily forgotten about myself. Selflessness in service to our teammates will always produce this effect. So, in your darkest moment, when your pity party is in full swing, collect yourself and figure out how you can serve a teammate who needs your help.

Good luck with your next big, hairy audacious goal! I hope these lessons will serve you in successfully achieving it!

Peter Feer, MBA, CPCC, ACC
Executive Coach

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One Bold Proposal

I am a firm believer that we are all closer to our dreams, whether in business or in our personal lives, than we could imagine.  Many of us have relationships, business contacts, acquaintances and friends who would be more than willing to help us out, whether we ask for assistance, an introduction or a referral.  So, as the New Year commences, I request that you think of one person, potential client or contact with whom you would like to become closer.  Perhaps they are the ideal client that could dramatically change the scope or size of your business.  Maybe they are someone who is a leader within your industry that could become a mentor or at the very least could provide you with sound advice.  Perhaps they run the company for which you eventually want to work.

Now, investigate within and see what comes up for you.  Fear of rejection?  Hesitation?  That small voice that whispers “That person would not (take my call, respond to my email?)  I challenge you to push fear aside and MAKE THE CALL, SEND THE EMAIL.  At moments like these, we have the choice to let fear dictate our lives, to remain motionless with the herd OR to move boldly beyond fear and hesitation and create more interesting and successful futures for ourselves.  As the author Katie Byron says “You can have anything you want in life, if you are willing to ask 1,000 people.”

Recently, I followed my own counsel and scripted a bold coaching proposal to a contact that works with an A+++ list billionaire entrepreneur.  I drafted and re-drafted my proposal and vetted it with several coaching friends.  When I was convinced that I could not make any more improvements to the letter, I enclosed the proposal, a cover letter, and two gift books into a package and took it to the post office.  My heart was pounding with excitement as I paid the postage and handed it off to the postal clerk.  Although a few weeks have ensued and I have not heard back from the entrepreneur, I am not discouraged.  Having created and delivered one proposal, I know the next time I am inspired to repeat this process, it will be easier.  And the time after that, it will be even easier.  So, what are you waiting for?  Go out and make that bold proposal!  Better yet, make one each month during the New Year and watch how your life changes!

Never Allow Fear to be an Excuse

In my work with clients, I make many bold challenges and requests.  One of the agreements that I have with my clients is to never allow fear to be an excuse for them when considering whether to take on those challenges and requests.   There are good reasons that we experience fear.  Fear is an important and necessary part of our evolutionary development.  Fear is an autonomic response to stressful stimulus, meaning, we do not consciously trigger it or even know what’s going on until it has run its course.  As humans evolved and emerged from caves roughly 130,000 to 25,000 years ago, the fear response provided an evolutionary advantage in avoiding untimely death from threats such as the woolly mammoth or the sabre-tooth tiger.  Those with an evolved fear response experienced a quickening of the heartbeat and blood-engorged muscles that allowed them to flee or fight off external threats.

Today, fear prevents us from getting hit by a bus or attempting a double black diamond ski slope unless we are able.  Unfortunately, in the workplace, fear – of judgment, of failure or even of success – prevents us from taking on new challenges that would stretch our capabilities, our self-perception and allow for greater success.  If we choose to give in to fear, we are selling ourselves short.  I strongly believe that those who experience the greatest success in their lives and careers have learned to creatively act in spite of fear, when faced with daunting challenges.  So, I urge you to do the same.  As you look at the year ahead and your looming challenges, consider the words of Eleanor Roosevelt who said “Do one thing every day that scares you!”

Goal Setting

As we enter the first weeks of 2014, it is the time that many of choose to set goals for the coming year. In thinking about your professional and personal goals, I challenge you to stretch, think HUGE and set goals that take you out of your comfort zone. Most of us spend too much time in our comfort zones, when most real growth and transformation occurs when we are in the stretch zone. When setting your goals, be sure to frame them as S.M.A.R.T. goals, as outlined below.

Specific. Your goals need to be specific to be achievable.  What is it you want to accomplish?

Measurable. Your goals must be measurable and include dates for completion; otherwise, how can you know you’ve accomplished it?

Accountable. In moving toward your goals, make yourself accountable to someone other than yourself. This is one of the roles I provide for my coaching clients.

Resonant.  Be sure to set goals that are resonant for you. Ask yourself if your goals are truly serving your highest purpose in the world. As you work toward your goals are you honoring your values?

Thrilling. Your goals must be so thrilling that you can’t wait to get started!  The best goals may even be scary to contemplate. Set goals that have you stretch, that will call you forth to new capabilities and power, that pull you forward into a bigger life.

In setting goals, I always ask my clients “How will you celebrate once you have achieved your goal?” Too often, we “A” types just move from one task to another without taking the time to celebrate our successes. So, I urge you to celebrate every time you achieve one of your goals.

With respect,
Peter Feer, CPCC, ACC
Executive Coach

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I have had the good fortune to meet and work with a number of highly competent managers and successful entrepreneurs, as both an investment banker and as an executive coach, but no one yet in the league of the founder of PayPal and Tesla Motors, among other groundbreaking enterprises.  I wanted to be highly prepared, so continuing in the guise of self-coaching, I challenged myself to prepare as if my life depended on it.  I took the time to get ready in all the “business as usual” ways; I spent some time researching Mr. Musk on the Internet; I reviewed the public filings and press releases of Tesla Motors.  I also pored over some recent investment banking research notes.  I even drafted some thoughtful questions about his company’s recent financial performance.  All pretty run-of-the-mill preparation for a seasoned investment banker.  However, I needed to go deeper.

First, I wanted to make sure I was firmly grounded in a very positive perspective for the day.  In working with my clients, I go to great lengths to understand their self-limiting beliefs or hidden perspectives about themselves, as such beliefs and perspectives hobble even highly successful executives.  These can often be expressed in negative, or self-deprecating sentences such as “I will never be in the same league as _____” or “Everyone at this meeting is smarter than me” or “I have not acheived the financial success that I had hoped to achieve by now, so I must be a failure.”  Let me reiterate that these are mostly HIDDEN beliefs that require some deep inquiry to ucover.  Once my clients have developed an awareness of any self-limiting beliefs or hidden perspectives, we work together to create a new statement that summarizes a positive perspective.  One that always works for me is “I am exactly where I need to be in this moment and bring significant value to everyone I meet.”  So, I took a few moments to sit quietly, and imagined myself meeting Mr. Musk while repeating this sentence out loud several times.

(If you find yourself thinking skeptically of these kinds of tricks, just think about what sports coaches do during a pre-game pep talk.  The best coaches are masters at getting their players into a winning perspective.  I am reminded of the pre-game pep talk scene from the epic movie “Miracle” about the 1980 US Olympic hockey team, in which coach Herb Brooks gets his players into a winning perspective in advance of their game against the heavily favored Russian team in the semi-final.  A superb example of perspective shifting!) Click below to watch it:

Next, I spent some time thinking about what the meeting.  What could I say to Mr. Musk that would demand his attention?  I crafted a few powerful, open-ended questions for him that would allow him to experience what an executive coaching session with me would be like; questions that he does not normally hear, particularly from a stranger.  Questions to which the first response is always “Wow, that’s a great question; I’ve never thought about it that way…”  Finally, I thought about the terms I would quote him, because clearly for the day to exceed my wildest expectations, he was going to be highly interested in pursuing executive coaching with me.

As it turned out, Mr. Musk did not attend the meeting later that day.  Although I was mildly disappointed, I took comfort that I had taken all the right measures to ensure that I had been ready to meet him.  I had performed all the “business-as-usual” preparation, the research, the review of public information, etc.  However, I had also taken the coach approach and gone far deeper by getting into the right positive perspective AND by imagining and rehearsing what would happen for the day to exceed my wildest expectations.

So, the next time you have the professional opportunity of a lifetime, I challenge you to prepare as if your life depended on it!  Do all the “business as usual” tasks and then go deeper!  Take the time to create and fully adopt a positive perspective that works for you!  If we consider every chance meeting or opportunity as a unique challenge to exceed our wildest expectations, our chances of pushing past our self-limitations increase dramatically, the result being never before imagined possibilities.

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In the midst of a wide-ranging conversation of over 1.5 hours, we discussed an article that had recently been published in The Atlantic Monthly regarding the behaviors and attitudes among the super-rich about their wealth.  Based on a study by Boston College’s Center on Wealth and Philanthropy of 165 households with an average net worth of $78 million, the survey noted that substantially more than half of the respondents acknowledged that they did not consider themselves financially secure.  Furthermore, that to feel financially secure they would need an average of 25% more wealth.  While this fact in and of itself was interesting, Bob tilted his head, thought for a moment and said, “Isn’t that interesting?  For all these people, it would not take a huge increase in their net worth to create a feeling of financial security.  It would only take an additional 25%, just a little bit more.”  We batted this notion back and forth for a while, also noting that the amount of wealth seemed to have no bearing on the relative feelings of financial security.  It did not matter if a family had a $50 million or a $1B net worth.  They still felt financially insecure.

While driving back to the airport later that day, I kept coming back to this notion of “just 25% more” and thought about it in the broader context of how many of us choose to live our lives.  Rather than being content with our present situation, whether that is our financial situation or even more broadly our career, our home, our satisfaction, for many of us, we always want a bit more.  For many of us, we choose to put off contentment for now to some uncertain point in the future when we have “just a little bit more.”  And just like the families in the survey, who by all objective measures of wealth have enough to feel financially secure, contentment is available to us right now, right in this moment.  The feeling of contentment is a choice*.  For surely, when we get to that place where we have that additional 25% more – “just a little bit” – we will still want more, unless we make the choice to be content.  (I am not making value judgments about “wanting more.”  There is nothing wrong with wanting more.  The challenge is to hold both viewpoints simultaneously, that of wanting more while also being content with one’s present state.)  

 One further related point: When we are stuck in the perspective of “lack” with regard to our personal self-worth, it undermines our confidence.  Whenever we feel that we are currently “not good enough” in our professional and personal lives, we shy away from taking bold risks and we delay starting challenging endeavors that would further our growth and development.  

 Where is a feeling of lack sabotaging your efforts at personal and professional breakthrough?  How is wanting “just a little bit more” preventing you from feeling content in the present moment? 

 *  One way to help maintain this feeling of contentment is to adopt a daily practice of gratitude.  Please contact me if you have an interest in learning more about such a practice.

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 I have a firm belief that to realize our potential and be our authentic selves, we need to accept all elements of our character into our being.  We need to be “OK” with the parts of ourselves that we do not admire, what Jung called the “shadow” side of ourselves.  This belief of mine invariably leads me to ask my clients “What do you need to forgive yourself for?” as self-forgiveness is the foundation of acceptance of all elements of one’s character. 

 During a coaching session with one of my private equity clients, a Managing Director with a multi-billion NY-based PE firm, my client responded with a question of his own.  “How can I forgive myself for my behavior earlier in my career and still hold myself accountable for my actions?  These seem to be two opposing concepts.”

 We discussed this for a brief period and then I asked him to close his eyes, relax and find where he held forgiveness within his body.  After several moments of silence, he breathed a deep sigh.  “It’s in my heart”, he reported with certainty.  “And where does accountability reside within you?” I asked in response.  A moment went by and then he noted that he held himself accountable in his mind.  “I get it!” he exclaimed.  “I can forgive myself in my heart AND simultaneously hold myself accountable for my actions in my mind.  I always thought that if I let myself off the hook for the past, that I was making it OK to repeat mistakes in the future.”  I then noted that self-forgiveness relates to the past, whereas accountability relates to the present moment and is a commitment for the future.

 Ask yourself “For what do I need to forgive myself?”  Whatever comes up, know you can forgive yourself for your past missteps, accepting all elements of your character, including the “shadow”, while still holding yourself accountable today and going forward.

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