As you might know, tech companies like Google and Facebook measure success by ‘engagement’. They want us to engage as much as possible with our phones; and to that end, they have purposefully integrated forms of ‘persuasion technology’ into computer code… those interruptions (alerts, etc.) on our phones that we generally believe are there to assist us.

Those companies may have started out with a desire to make things easier for us, but once they realized they could distract us and therefore entice us to look at our phones more often, their business models became warped.  

The reason?  

The more we look at our phones, the more advertising we see and the more money they make. To quote Johann Hari from his excellent book Stolen Focus: “Our distraction is their (money-making) fuel”.  

Persuasion technology is NOT here to help us. 

Indeed, all the bells and whistles are not only using us to a point of constant distraction which affect the way we think, they’re also, as a result, making us less productive. 

Here’s why you are distracted: 

• On average, we spend 4.8 hours a day (1/3 of our waking hours) on our phones. ⁱ
• We touch them a shocking 2,617 times every 24 hours. ⁱⁱ  
• Most office workers can’t go 6 minutes without checking their phones. ⁱⁱⁱ
• If we’re really focused on something and we’re interrupted, it takes approximately twenty minutes for us to get back to that full state of focus. Twenty minutes! 
• Most office workers never get one single uninterrupted hour in a day. 
• The average CEO of a Fortune 500 company gets a mere twenty-eight minutes of uninterrupted time per day. ^iv 
• Multiple studies have shown that technological distractions cause an IQ drop on average of 10 points! ^v  
• The average person sends one text message every six minutes they are awake. ^vi
• Less than 20% of U.S. teens report reading a book, magazine, or newspaper for pleasure. ^vii

If a friend encouraged you to buy a costly device that was designed to make you and your children less intelligent and less productive; one that – unless you were very, very careful – would end up controlling you instead of your controlling it… would you buy it? And if you did, would you not be extremely vigilant about its use?  

So, what can you do to help yourself and others from being distracted?  

You, as a leader, can mitigate interruptions for yourself and the people working for you.  

Below are a few suggestions to keep from distractions:  

1. Given that approximately 24% of people attending meetings admit to hiding their phones while texting or checking for messages, consider asking that phones be turned off during meetings or – here’s a radical suggestion – consider even asking people to leave them in a box near the entrance. Perish the thought!
   
2. Use your phone and ask your team to use theirs during well-spaced defined breaks during the day. Once they’re turned off, put them in a place other than on a workstation or beside you on your desk.
3. If you have children/teenagers at home who are trying to do homework, have them do the same… unless you want them to lose IQ points as they struggle to concentrate.

As the brilliant writer James Baldwin wrote:

‘Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced’.  

Maybe it’s time we face what distractive technology is doing to us.

Footnotes:

i. Jane Wakefield, People devote third of waking time to mobile apps, The BBC, January 12, 2022.
ii. Julia Naftulin, Here is how many times we touch our phones every day,  Business Insider, July 13, 2016.
iii. MacKay, S., The myth of multi-tasking, The Neuroscience Academy, 2016.
iv. Colville, The great acceleration. R. 2016.
v. Harriet Griffey, The lost art of concentration: being distracted in a digital world,  The Guardian, October 14, 2018.
vi. Colier, The power of off. N. 2016.
vii. Jean M. Twenge, ‘Teens Today Spend More Time on Digital Media, Less Time Reading’, American Psychological Association, August 20, 2018.

The post Too Distracted to do Your Work? Here are 3 productive suggestions… appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post Too Distracted to do Your Work? Here are 3 productive suggestions… appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

But here’s the catch: in our view, a hybrid meeting is made up of two very different audiences with different needs.

The participants taking part remotely often have an inferior experience, feeling somewhat excluded. This is because onsite group members are typically being called on more often by the meeting leader, are offering more opinions, and are having more fluid conversations.

The outcome? If someone isn’t onsite, they may not only feel disregarded, but they’ll disengage, and possibly leave the meeting altogether.

The dynamic above can be aggravated by two additional factors: if the language of the meeting is not the remote participant’s “mother tongue” (first language), that adds a layer of complexity. On top of this, if that participant has a cultural background, gender, or gender identity that taught them to wait until they are invited to speak before offering an opinion or adding input, they might experience an even greater sense of alienation.

This is generally not the case for people raised in Western cultures – especially Western business cultures. They’ve have been taught to express their opinions and input openly and freely without any prompting. Naturally, and usually without being aware of it, they consume the majority of airtime. But even in Western cultures, a gender bias still exists quite widely, whereby men are more encouraged (and ‘allowed’) to speak up.

In the above situation, remote participants can easily grow increasingly puzzled. Why hasn’t the leader called on anyone in my group? Have they forgotten about us? Don’t they think our input is valuable?

The onsite participants are also puzzled. Why aren’t any of the online participants saying anything? Aren’t they interested? Don’t they care about the issue?

Unfortunately, as a meeting leader or facilitator, unless you recognize the inherent onsite/offsite imbalance; unless you’re aware of potential cultural differences; and unless you also know how to manage extroverts and introverts, you’re going to be conducting an inequitable meeting…to say nothing of missing out on potentially valuable input because it is not shared.

Our Advice

Your biggest challenge as a hybrid meeting leader is to realize that the participants must be treated in an equitable way. That means you should purposefully address and seek input from both onsite and offsite participants throughout the meeting, and in particular, be sure to speak to and include the offsite participants explicitly – every time you start a new discussion, every time you start an activity, etc.

You can start to do that when you issue the meeting invitation. One option is to set it up such that everyone – even the people onsite – will be using laptops rather than shared large screens. That alone will go a long way to wiping away the onsite/offsite ‘status’ differences, and the differences in participation that come along with it.

Harvard Business Review suggests that if you want everyone (not just the extroverts) to offer ideas and build on them, you should email up to five questions beforehand and ask people to spend time reflecting on them. Furthermore, HBR suggests you put those questions in the meeting agenda and the calendar listing so everyone knows what’s coming and can prepare. Great advice.

Practical Tips

1. Since everyone onsite will be seeing each other throughout the meeting, ask the offsite participants to do the same and keep their cameras on to the extent they feel they can. This of course depends on practical considerations such as:
   1. Internet bandwidth of the online participant(s);
   2. The time of day in the participant’s time zone;
   3. The size of the meeting; and
   4. Their specific physical set-up (i.e. are in they in a physical setting where they feel comfortable having their camera on?).
2. Generally speaking, in larger meetings most online participants understandably feel less comfortable having their cameras on. Fair enough; in that case, create activities for small breakout groups (3 – 5 people per group) and encourage them to turn the cameras on while they’re in the breakout session.
   
3. Introduce your Producer/Technology Coordinator. (Don’t miss reading the Tip below, as it will lay out the reasons you need a knowledgeable person in this role.)
   
4. Given that the meeting will have a time limit, outline your expectations about participant input and feedback.
   
5. If you think some of the “reaction” options such as clapping or waving hands will be a distraction, ask the producer to disable this functionality and let people know it’s been deactivated (and why).
   
6. The Chat function can be a great tool, but casual chatting could interfere with and diminish your message, plus disrupt the flow of the meeting. Consider asking people to refrain from using it until you ask a question. Let them know you’ll be using Chat strategically for polling (“Type 1 if you agree; 2 if you disagree”), and for feedback (“Use one word to describe…”).
   
7. Consider using tools like PollEverywhere, Mentimeter, Slido for audience interaction – especially in larger meetings (above +/- 30 participants).
   
8. After each exercise, you can follow up by asking different individuals to unmute and talk about their experience and insights. Or, instead of putting a specific person on the spot, address the online audience as a whole, and ask them to submit questions and comments via Chat. When you address the written point, you can ask that person if they would be comfortable speaking about it, and give them easy permission to say “No”.
   
9. Asking people for input is a great way to address the offsite participants as often as you address the people in the room…without having to constantly remind yourself to include them. The Chat function also lets you get feedback in real time which you can address on the spot.
   
10. Appoint a specific person to monitor the Chat, and let your remote participants know that this person will be monitoring the Chat for questions and comments. Let them know that this person has been asked to interrupt the leader of the meeting with questions as they deem appropriate. Also indicate to remote participants that they can message this person privately if they want to submit a question but don’t want to put it out in the public domain.

Final Tip | Consider using a Producer

As the meeting leader/facilitator, you will have enough on your plate without having to deal with equipment or connectivity hiccups. So, even before you issue the invitation (and definitely before the meeting), designate a skilled Producer/Technology Coordinator.

This could simply be someone from the team of people organizing the meeting. Just make sure they are comfortable with the technology platform you are using. And of course, be sure to talk through the logistics before the meeting, and consider a “dry run”/rehearsal before the actual meeting – especially for larger meetings.

When meetings involve more than about 30-40 participants, it’s probably worth getting help from more than one person. You might have one person monitoring the Chat function, another person available for technical issues experienced by participants, and a 3rd person managing other technical components – such as a camera following the presenter in the room (which is broadcast to online participants).

Keep in mind that people in different locations will likely have unequal meeting infrastructure. For instance, although we believe it’s a more cohesive experience for all the participants use their own laptops, one team may prefer to use a large common screen which will definitely affect how you set up your presentation and the various tools you’ll be employing. It will also affect the instructions you provide when you put the group(s) into a breakout activity.

People will also have different bandwidth connections…some super-fast, some quite slow.

All of the above will increase your need to appoint a producer and/or other colleagues to help the meeting run smoothly, as noted above.

Before the meeting, they’ll be responsible for sorting out the connectivity issues. And before setup, as audio quality is paramount, they’ll want to ensure remote attendees can, at very least, clearly hear the presenter, and that they can be heard by everyone in the room if they choose to speak during the meeting (versus simply providing input via Chat or other tools).

They’ll also need to confirm that your documents can be seen and easily read by both on-site and remote participants no matter what screens are being used. One option for assisting in this regard is to provide a PDF of key documents before the meeting.

Yes, hybrid meetings can pose challenges, but as you see, with some purposeful effort, a flexible approach, and an attentive meeting leader/facilitator, they can work well.

Over to you!

The post Hybrid Meetings: Challenges & Solutions appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post Hybrid Meetings: Challenges & Solutions appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

Accordingly, we felt it might be helpful to address this topic while many of us have a bit of extra time to think during this (usually) slower summer period (at least in the Northern Hemisphere!).

Below we have identified a few subject areas that we hope will help you through this journey. For us, the big themes are compassion – for others and for self – patience, understanding and creativity.

Recognize everyone is entering this new phase from a different place.

Some of us are still in a very cautious place; wearing masks in enclosed spaces (or even open spaces), getting booster shots, staying away from restaurants, bars, concerts, and sporting events. Some are done with anything pandemic. Most of us, however, are navigating the paths between the poles. This means we’re entering the maze from different places. So, let’s do our best to deal with the practicalities of those different choices rather than judging any given choice as right or wrong. Setting the judgment aside is much easier said than done, but it’s worth the effort.

Identify your comfort levels & ask others about theirs.

First, get clear on your own safety needs and comfort levels so you can communicate them to others in a clear manner. Then, check with others about their comfort levels so you have a sense of how to manage in-person interactions with them.

For instance, while it might seem odd, one thing you can do when you encounter a colleague you haven’t seen for a while, or when you meet someone new, is state your preferences by saying something like: “I’m comfortable shaking hands/doing fist bumps. How about you?  No problem at all if you’d rather not.” We’ve been doing versions of this (usually shorter and less formally than the example given here), and so far it has worked well.

Another option is sorting that out before meeting with someone (or in advance of a meeting, to avoid awkward “in the moment” situations). We have done this in some situations when organizing meetings and it was helpful. In one case we simply said that we want to encourage each person to do whatever they felt most comfortable to them with regard to mask or no mask, handshakes/fist bumps/elbow bumps, or simply a hello wave, proximity vs. physical distancing etc. It worked really well. Mind you, that was back in May and things have evolved since then, but as we get closer to September and the return to work & school and spend more time indoors, these things will likely become more relevant again.

To reiterate: try not to judge a choice as right or wrong. Someone with strict preferences might be dealing with medical challenges, or maybe they’re living with an immuno-compromised person. On the other side of the coin, someone who isn’t observing any protocols probably feels their choices are perfectly safe and reasonable.

Unless their choices impact your safety, put a smile on your face and get on with things. After all, just because people make different decisions and have different values than you, this doesn’t automatically disqualify them from being worthwhile co-workers and colleagues.

Now is the time to rethink your work-week structure.

Many of us who worked solely from a home office, and especially those of us who took pride in having a strong work ethic, spent the past two and a half years overworking. If you’re someone who worked late into the evening, or started very early in the morning (or both), and might have also put your nose to the grindstone on weekends, now is the time to ask yourself whether your work ethic is driving you or whether you’re driving it.

A quick reality check? Ask yourself what your life would look like if you created a healthier work/life balance and were kinder to yourself.

Or, you might be someone who found that working from home – away from the distractions of the office and without the daily commute – honed your productivity and improved your work/life balance, so you want to keep it going. Also, you might have health / safety concerns about returning to the office. Or maybe demands have been placed on you that weren’t in your life pre-pandemic, such as the arrival of a child/caring for an aged parent.

Needless to say, your ideas about how you’d like to structure your work week will have to mesh with the needs and requirements of the organization and/or team you’re involved with. If the schedule they’ve set up doesn’t work for you, set up a meeting with your boss/team leader to sort it out. Ask them what’s important to them and when it’s necessary for you to be physically present. Listen closely and check to make sure you’ve understood them correctly. When negotiating, you always have to find out what the other party wants and needs and combine those with your wants and needs to find an optimal solution. It’s worth also getting clarity on your email, text, and video call availability.

Suggest a month’s trial, and revisit after that.

If you need advice, talk to someone who understands what you’re facing. Odds are high that they’ll be able to offer some useful suggestions. The good news is that in this particular context, there are many people who can relate.

Last but not least, our headline advice matches what we suggest with regard to negotiations in any context:

None of the above advice will magically make this process easy, but we hope it can help you navigate the maze a little more successfully.

Best wishes!

The post Navigating the Return-to-Office Maze appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post Navigating the Return-to-Office Maze appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

“When we say that we tolerate a headache, or our shabby apartment, or a neighbour, we certainly do not mean that we like them; but merely that despite our dislike, we shall endure them.”

Consider some examples. We tolerate:

• The colleague who talks too much;
• The long commute to work;
• The critical hard-driving boss;
• The family member who never lets us forget an old mistake; and
• Those whose skin tone, accent, and/or behaviour is different than ours… conveniently forgetting that in many parts of the world, we are being tolerated.

And while judgment (in the sense of discernment) is crucial when it comes to assessing whether something or someone is good or bad for us, when we slap judgment on other people, it tends to be a value judgment, carrying notions of right/wrong, good/bad, etc. As such, it destroys compassion, empathy and understanding, plus it fills us with a sense righteousness and false power.

Judgment reveals itself in disdain; and unless we are consummate actors, disdain is impossible to hide. Something in our demeanour or in our expression leaks disparagement and scorn… without us being aware of it.

Often, we tell ourselves we can do nothing about another person’s behaviour or a given situation… which may or may not be true. Of greater concern, however, is our emotional response to tolerating; because generally, it means we’re either hardening ourselves to the behaviour, situation, or person, or we’re resigning ourselves to it. Both of these responses stifle the human spirit.

When we harden ourselves, we create an inner column of unhappiness. Think about it: We’ve all met hard-hearted people; and really, did any of them seem happy to you? Hardening ourselves is probably not the best route to take.

On the other hand, if we throw up our hands and resign ourselves, we add weight to our life in a kind of shoulders-slumping way. Resignation casts a pall on our spirits; it keeps us trapped in thinking that this or that can never be accepted, and it causes a sticking point that keeps us from being at ease.

So, how do we get past tolerating someone or something?
How do we accept people, behaviours, and situations as they are?

Well, try a little exercise.

Look in the mirror. Are you the ideal (however you define it)? Do you see perfect skin, a perfect nose, perfect teeth, perfect hair? Likely not.

You likely see someone with some nice features and some imperfections. Now, ask yourself this: Have those imperfections hardened you? Have they resigned you to living a less than satisfying life?

Likely (and hopefully) not.

You’ve learned to accept them.

The process of developing a healthy relationship with oneself involves genuinely accepting more and more of our flaws and imperfections – not just the physical ones, but, importantly, the mental/emotional/psychological ‘imperfections’.

An even healthier version of our relationship with ourselves would entail a recognition that perfection should not and cannot be the goal. In fact, some of what we might initially think of as our imperfections could become our ‘superpowers’ if we learn to embrace them.

Applying these same principles to other people can help us make the same transition with them: from merely (and barely) tolerating them to genuinely accepting them.

This is not to say that you can’t ask certain people to behave differently with you if the behaviour in question is painful for you, but it is to say that there is value in challenging our initial harsh judgment of another person. There is value in trying to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and asking ourselves why this person might legitimately behave this way.

None of us can read another person’s mind, and none of us can infer a person’s history, but when we take the time to consider their circumstances and remind ourselves that we don’t know what came before this moment, we are more likely to find a path to acceptance.

When we tolerate rather accept something or someone, we are filled with a kind of inner disappointment. For in applying one set of standards to ourselves, and another set to others, we have not found ease and kindness.

It is within each of us to do better.

The post Tolerate or Accept appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post Tolerate or Accept appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The secret is not to get caught in and perpetuate that whoosh. The secret is to take a breath, simmer down, reflect, and then respond – purposefully – with the end goal in mind. This will go a long way toward resolving the issue. At a minimum, it will help you absorb it and live with it more successfully.  

Here’s how you can do that. 

First: Breathe.  

Deep breathing calms our systems. It tells our bodies there is no reason to ‘fight or flight’. So, take three deep breaths. Your shoulders will drop; your breathing will slow; you’ll feel more grounded. Without a doubt, it’s the fastest way we humans have of regaining a sense of steadiness.  

Next: Reframe  

In essence, this is negotiating with your story (and beliefs) about the situation. To help you do this, if you have the luxury of time on your side, consider a temporary distraction to “make space” and help you put the situation in perspective. Put on your earphones and listen to music; watch a funny video; go for a walk and look at the trees, the sky, the birds.  

Some people find it helpful not telling anyone – yet – what happened before they distract themselves, otherwise that person might just fuel the initial whoosh of emotion.  

Others find it very helpful to talk to someone about it. But here’s our advice if you choose to do that: tell them what you want from them. Usually, most of us are not asking others to solve our problem for us; we simply want them to hear us out and empathize with us.  

If you feel the need to tell someone what happened, we suggest picking just one person and making it brief. Why? Talking about it repeatedly risks increasing your sense of outrage or hurt. Besides, if you wait until you’ve done some deep breathing and reframed the situation, you’ll be calmer, and this will help you rediscover your balance sooner.  

(As a footnote: Once you’ve resolved it in your own mind, once you’ve given yourself a chance to find some balance and peace with the situation, repeat the story as often as you like; just don’t do it initially.) 

As you seek to reframe the situation, it’s okay to mull over what happened and (at least initially) convince yourself you were right. You’ve been slogging through a quagmire of emotions trying to find firm footing. Believing we’re right about something (or at least that your viewpoint is legitimate at that point in time) makes most of us feel steadier.  

But don’t simply stay in the place that says “I’m right and they are wrong. I’m good and they are bad.” Because there are usually many different legitimate ways to look at a situation, and most of us do the best we can with what we’ve got in most situations. So, we recommend you start by assuming that is the case for the other people who have taken the actions you’re upset about. It’s possible that they are acting with malicious intent (or that they simply don’t care and/or haven’t thought about the impact on others), but it’s less likely than our worst-case assumptions would have us believe.  

Once you regain that steady sense of ‘the everyday you’, once you regain a modicum of personal well-being, imagine yourself back in the situation; but this time, view what happened from another perspective.  

Allow the other person or people who were involved to tell their story (either in reality or in your mind). Allow them to be right in their decisions about what took place; for contrary to what most people believe, allowing others to be right doesn’t diminish us; it makes us feel mature and wise; it fills us with emotional intelligence, and feeling and thinking and seeing ourselves in that way fills us with power.  

Seeing things from someone else’s point of view gives us understanding; it helps us recognize and respect differences; and as we imagine how others might feel in that situation, we are filled with empathy.  

Last? Choose your response. 

People come to terms with or resolve difficult situations in different ways and at different times. Some of us prefer to talk things out with the person or people involved (or with a 3^rd party). Others prefer to let time do its healing work and so will distance themselves for a while. Still others are happy just knowing they’ve made peace with everything in their own minds. A suggestion though: If you’re not the ‘talk it out’ kind of person, or if you prefer to distance yourself for a time, that’s okay, but do let the group or other person know that you’re resolving things and that you just need some time.  

Conversely, if you’re the kind of person who can quickly resolve an issue but are dealing with someone who needs time, curb your defensiveness and offer patience instead.  

So do your best to take three breaths, reflect to reframe, and then respond. In our experience, this will serve you well. And as it happens, it will help others too.  

The post Reaction vs. Response appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post Reaction vs. Response appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

No one wants to disrupt or lose the reputation they’ve so carefully constructed about themselves, because how we see ourselves is crucial to our levels of confidence and therefore, to the way we behave, the results we achieve, and even the quality of our lives.

No one wants to lose their sense of importance (a too-often vaulted sense) that incidentally, can not only be detected by the speaker’s excessive focus on themself, but through the kind of body language that shows a lack of interest in the opinions and words of others. For if we did see and hear ourselves, then we might have to look at why we’re using our positions of power to continually steer the dialogue, why seventy percent of a conversation is about us, why others are bored by what we’re saying, and why our own eyes glaze when others are speaking.

No one wants to face the discomfort of having behaved poorly with others.

In other words, we’re practicing a kind of wilful blindness that allows us to hide our behaviour from ourselves.

On a more positive note, one of the reasons we do not see ourselves clearly is that we are, of necessity, dependent on one another.  And so, we must look to others… to colleagues, clients, friends, family members, and partners/spouses for help, for their capabilities, for their insights, and for their feedback.

Given that we typically view ourselves in implausibly positive ways, feedback is an antidote to those illusions. Those among us who are strong enough to offer it when asked, deserve thanks, for their words let us ‘see’ our missteps and faults, and hopefully, the agendas creating them.

If we’re strong enough to put aside our defensiveness or sense of resistance to uncomfortable feedback, then we could reflect on what we were told, and hopefully, learn from it and grow.

You might not want to seek feedback from others, but if it’s possible that your communication skills, or the way in which you behave is doing you a disservice, then you can provide yourself with feedback instead, and here’s how.

As you get ready for a meeting/conversation/gathering, pay attention to that inner voice urging you to get an opinion/idea/argument across.

Then, when you’re with others, pay attention to the urge… the impatience to get it said. Afterwards, ask: “In what ways did I push myself and/or my agenda forward? What would have happened if I’d let things take their natural course, if I’d listened to what this or that person said instead of putting myself front and centre?” (Yes, we all must steer the conversation from time to time, and of course we’re expected to raise salient points and stand up for our needs and goals, but the continuing and overbearing need to ‘push’, is irritating to everyone within earshot.)

Another option is to track how many times you say ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ when conversing with others. We mentioned this above, but it bears repeating. If you are excessively focused on yourself (your wants and needs, your perspective), if you harp on the same point, or are intent on steering and/or controlling the conversation, your inner agenda is likely fixated on and is pressuring you to prove your importance. On the other hand, if you also give considerable time and attention to the other person’s (or people’s) perspective(s), then you’re asking questions or seeking clarification, meaning that you’re not only interested in what the others have to say, but that you see yourself as a part of the conversation rather than needing to always be its driving force.

If you ask others to give you honest feedback about the way you communicate, you’ll hopefully get the truth, but sometimes it’s delivered in such a diplomatic or indirect way that you still keep some unhelpful illusions about yourself.

If you ask yourself for feedback and listen honestly – really honestly – you’ll get the bare-bones truth… a truth that could dispel wilful self-blindness, and instead, offer clarity.

The post How to Spot Your Hidden Agenda appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post How to Spot Your Hidden Agenda appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

Indeed, agendas have the capacity to focus our attention and to bring out the best in us, except…

Except when we want to dominate the person or situation.
Except when we use them simply to prove someone else is wrong.
Except when we want to undermine the person or process.

We call these “hidden agendas”, and at one time or another, all of us have either perpetrated or been the victim of them. Laying beneath the surface, they can be difficult to see – even when they’re our own; but with a little bit of time, insight, and a few tips, they can be easily spotted and neatly sidestepped.

How to Spot a Hidden Agenda

Here are a few ways we think you can spot a (likely) hidden agenda:

Clue # 1: The same subject keeps getting reintroduced.

If someone brings up a subject more than twice, pay attention, and then deal with it accordingly by saying something like: “You’ve mentioned this a few of times. I’m just wondering why.” If a friend or partner is being persistent, you could consider a blunter approach. “You keep bringing this up. What is it you’re trying to get me to agree to?”

In both cases, you now have the opportunity to get the hidden agenda on the table.

Clue # 2: Your voice or ideas are being obstructed.

If a subject or problem is truly open for discussion, everyone’s voice should be heard in order to construct a high-quality solution. If you are being obstructed, it likely means it’s being done in service of someone else’s goal.

If the obstructor is your boss or team leader, or if the person is intimidating and aggressive, it can be challenging. However, there are ways to deal with it, because you’ve likely had dealings with this person in the past, so you know their way of operating, which means you have time to prepare yourself before meeting with them and you have some sense of how to respond to them.

If they keep pushing away ideas and the voices of others in favour of their own, simply say: “Let’s look at some of the things that could go awry if this idea is implemented.” (Write them down.) If the person says they don’t see any problems, or ‘let’s cross that bridge when we come to it’, say: “Why don’t we examine that idea a bit more closely to see what the repercussions might be? That way we can be prepared with contingency plans if things don’t go as we hope.”

Perhaps those are not the words you yourself would use, but the words aren’t the most important thing. What is important is calling out the agenda in a perfectly reasonable, business-like way.

Clue # 3: Your intuition says something is off.

When someone’s body language doesn’t match their words, our intuitive senses come alive. Unfortunately, many of us tell ourselves we’re imaging things and we discount the useful information our brain is sending us. It’s important to trust those intuitions; they are based on years of accumulated experiences, and they carry wisdom. If you feel something is ‘off’, pay attention.

It has long been said that the truest test of a friendship is how you feel after you leave that person’s company. The same holds true after ending a conversation with a colleague, friend, or partner. What are your intuitive senses saying? Are you energized or enervated? Do you feel things were straightforward and clear, or do you feel like you were pushed in some way? If you felt pushed, more than likely there was an under-the-surface agenda going on. Your body was sending you messages your mind didn’t accept until afterward.

Next clue: The person keeps bringing the subject back to themselves.

Some might misconstrue that as narcissism, however true narcissism is much rarer than people think. More than likely, the ‘me’ conversation is an attempt to be important, to be counted, to be valued above others.

If someone’s constant subject is ‘me’, there are a couple of ways you can handle it. You can avoid them as much as possible, which is a perfectly permissible way to behave. Another option is to interrupt them midsentence. E.g.: “Excuse me for interrupting; but before I forget, I wanted to tell you about such and such.” Then, without taking a breath, launch into your subject, and when you’re done, immediately excuse yourself otherwise you’ll get trapped again. If that ‘me’ person is your boss, you can excuse yourself by saying you’re knee-deep in a project and that you’d better get back to it.

Concealed agendas are powerful, meaning it is up to us to take a moment to question the dynamics of any situation that’s throwing us off.

So, step back from the situation; ask yourself some questions; and above all, trust your considerable intuition. After all, it’s taken you years and years to accumulate that wisdom.

The post Agendas appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post Agendas appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

We may be surprised or even shocked that things have or are quickly deteriorating. A sense of safety deserts us. We may feel as if we’re about to be attacked; and as a result, the brain and body fire up adrenaline/anger (our self-preservation mechanisms) which sharpens our defences. Few among us have the wherewithal to calm ourselves down at this point – especially if we don’t have the ability to avoid diving into a conflict someone else is spurring.

Once we’ve taken on anger and defensiveness, we become filled with the implacable desire to win; the need to prove ourselves right; to emerge as the victor. Winning becomes the goal that drives the end game. Now we’re not only enmeshed in the conflict, but ensnared as well.

A win will swell the ego; indeed, we’ll likely crow about it to all who will listen. We’ll even imagine that we’re the ones who benefited. But did we really? How? In what way do you or I benefit from losing our cool? From shooting heart-pounding adrenaline though our bodies? From getting lost in anger? From stressing ourselves?

Did our reactions help us become better people? Did we grow the ability to stay calm?

Did we step back and see things from the other side?

Did we heighten our reasoning powers?

Did we refrain from grinding someone else down, from making someone else the lesser?

Because here’s what we think. If it doesn’t benefit them, it doesn’t truly benefit us.

If we want to achieve resolution; if we want to walk away clean, both sides must benefit from conflict.

Some of us might think that’s just another way of saying ‘win/win’, but win can be a loaded word, given it implies a contest and a loser. It’s hard to look across at someone and want them to win when that’s just about the only thing you want to do.

By all means, use the term win/win if it works for you. But if it doesn’t – and it doesn’t for many people – take a breath and look at who is benefiting.

When the other person you’re dealing with is heavily invested in winning, remember that you have options. You can say: “Let’s take a breather and revisit this again when we’re both calmer.” Or you could incorporate the following technique. It’s pretty-well foolproof.

Many counsellors, therapists, and coaches know that learning new skills is key if clients are to change their approach to conflict. One of the most important new skills shows how profound change can happen by simply having someone summarize the other person’s point of view, prefaced by phrases like: “If I understood you correctly, ‘x’ and ‘y’ are what upset you most…” or “So, what you’re saying is….”

When you summarize someone’s point of view (we call it paraphrasing) it accomplishes at least 3 good things:

1. It allows them to clarify what they’ve said;

2. It tells them you’re listening and trying to understand them;

3. It makes sure you’ve properly understood them, so you don’t waste your time and energy trying to address the wrong issue.

And when they do the same for you, it allows them to gain a clear understanding about your reactions and why you’ve taken the stance you have. It moves the issue away from the fight and from the person; it allows clarity all way ‘round, and it seeds meaningful change. As such, it is a superb skill to master.

So much of how we handle conflict depends on the kind of pressures we’re under, the volume of work that lies ahead, the kind mood we’re in, and more importantly, the level of skill we have in altering our approaches, and the discipline to resolve or at very least, to accept differing ideas or opinions. Needless to say, all of this is based upon the unconscious patterns we learned in childhood; how we saw our parents handle (or not handle) conflict, and so on.

We believe it’s definitely worth developing these skills, because conflict is normal and even necessary.

It exposes issues that are simmering underneath, and it can clean and heal hurt. Conflict can help us grow and become better people; it can lead to change for the better; and if handled well, it can deepen our connections with others.

And then can we all benefit from conflict.

For another article which may help with conflict, check out Compromise: A Matter of Perspective.

Connect with Peter Hiddema on LinkedIn.

The post Benefit from Conflict appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post Benefit from Conflict appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

“Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and in one word, whatever are not our own actions.”, meaning that if we manage things within our provenance – within ourselves – we will create the kind of agency that will help us in navigating the unknown.

How does one create agency… and more importantly, how do you manage, care for, and support yourself?

The following questions will help you discover that.

Many of us take on the opinions of others – of family members, colleagues, and people who we admire, and sometimes we don’t consider whether the opinion is uninformed, one-sided, has true merit, or what it’s based on.

Do you generally form your own opinions?

• If so, where do you usually sit on the spectrum of what people do and say?
• In what ways do those opinions pull you down or bring you up?
• Do they reflect and bring out the best or the worst in you?
• And if you unquestioningly take on the opinions of others, why?

We’ve all met people who seem to have lots of talent and energy, and yet their pursuits lead them astray. They spin their wheels, or don’t let their gifts elevate them into being the best they can be.

Do you have the capability to seek out what you want to do,
see, and experience?

• Do you exercise those capabilities?
• If not, what pointless pursuits are getting in the way?

Our desires are there for a purpose. They are meant to bring us pleasure, joy, satiation, and satisfaction.

Do you know and understand your desires – your longings
and yearnings?

• And if so, in what ways do they provide fulfillment?
• If not, how and why do you thwart yourself?

We all have dislikes and antipathies about certain situations and/or people. Sometimes those aversions end up hobbling us, for they can keep us stuck in fear or hate, and in so doing, hamper our development and ability to be successful both inwardly and outwardly.

Thankfully, it is possible to change our responses to situations and to the behaviour of others. This, in turn, can lead us to better understandings of others and generosity of spirit.

What would happen if you let go of a pervasive and negative idea about a situation
or person?

And lastly…

Do you exercise control over the actions you take?  

In what ways would you act differently if you could reflect upon and then reinterpret a past experience that damaged you?

The questions above ask us to put our energy into what we can do. When we do that, we create the kind of inner power that can navigate the unknown in an empowered way.

We’ve lived with the great unknown since conception, meaning we’ve developed the capacity to not let it diminish or finish us. And too, the countless generations that came before us passed on that intelligence at a cellular level,^[i] meaning we have the ability to adapt, change, and build new strengths.

We have choices.

We can stay in the throes of unknown, panicked and gripped by ‘Oh Goodness’ or ‘What if’, or we can embrace who we are, who we want to become, and what we will pass on to future generations.

^[i] Epigenetic Changes 

The post Navigating the Unknown appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post Navigating the Unknown appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

Right now, and for the foreseeable future, you and I don’t have any control over this coronavirus other than to follow mask wearing, physical distancing, hand washing, and other guidance from health officials.

To help manage your wellbeing during these unusual times, below we have offered a series of suggestions (in no particular scientific order). They are not magic solutions, they are not rocket science – they are simply a few ideas we’ve come across that have been helpful to us. We hope they’ll be helpful to you too. 

01 Consider the many, many areas in our lives in which we do have control.

We can control what we eat, wear, think, and other than the protocols mentioned above, what we do. We can work, laugh, chat with friends and family and teammates, read, play games, sing, dance, take the dog for a walk, play with the kids, ‘snuggle in the bubble’, listen to podcasts, and watch our favourite shows. So, rather than thinking about restrictions, focus on the incredible freedoms you have.

02 Avoid the tentacles of fear.

Sure; check the city, and/or the provincial or state departments of health websites for reliable information about Covid, but distance yourself from the misinformation and fear mongering plastering social media sites. And if you’re feeling powerless, untethered, scared and/or angry after you’ve read or heard any information, just remember that health officials are doing their best to keep us safe. So please, cut them some slack.

03 Quit being cranky.

Speaking of cutting people slack…. Why not do that with our immediate family, and while we’re out and about? Yes, we’re all trying to avoid one another; yes, it can be annoying when someone gets in our way on the sidewalk or in a store, or when someone drives poorly; but petty annoyances bring us down, so let the small things slip by.

04 Stop isolating unnecessarily.

Can’t congregate with friends? Phone them. Arrange a walk or a bike-ride, or set up fun video calls. E.g.: one colleague dances with a group of friends once a week. Another “Zooms” a weekend brunch with family (or breakfast for those who live in earlier time zones). My neighbour’s small book club discussed the latest tome during physical distancing walks in the park.

05 Shake up the routine.

Making a small change will help you feel like you’re in charge. E.g.: A friend decided to change the order in which he hung his tools in the garage, and found that it took weeks before he could stop rote reaching. When the new habit took hold, he said he felt a sense of accomplishment and that he had more control over things. Who would have thought of that?

06 Organize and learn

Sort your inbox, files, the basement, the storage unit, or your clothes. Start a new hobby or take an old one up again. If you have a strategic mind, try chess. A facility for languages? There are roughly 7,117 languages in the world, so take your pick. Or learn about another culture, the lyrics to an old song, or how to draw or paint.

A brief caveat: We know many of you are not only working from home, but are also trying to monitor your child’s online learning. Carving out time for yourself seems next to impossible, and yet it’s crucial. It doesn’t have to be in great swaths. Even small amounts of ‘me time’ will keep you balanced, and curtail that harried put-upon sense too many parents experience.

07 Make plans

You and I need to get ready for the future… because we believe this pandemic will become manageable in much the same way influenza now is. A vaccine or suite of vaccines will be found, and our lives will become freer. In other words, this is a great time to take stock of who and where you are, and who and where you want to be when we’re freer.

Last? A smile is miraculous. Try it and watch your sense of wellbeing lift.

The post Wellbeing in Uncertain Times appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..

The post Wellbeing in Uncertain Times appeared first on Common Outlook Consulting Inc..