Pfft, Science!

Humanity Chooses Repugnant Fly over Honey Bee as Favorite

2010-07-04T13:59:00.007-04:00

Get ready for the newest AVP of the insect world. In recent years the bee population, which pollinates a substantial percentage of the crops we rely on, has been devastated in number. Entire colonies have died, and their numbers in nature continue to be hauntingly low. Still, this week humans have voted bees less popular than even the house fly - you know that foulest of foul insect that leaves its spit residue and does its unabashed shit-walk on your 4th of July carry-in buffet. We thought the fly was an insect only Jeff Goldblum could love, but after another straight-out-of-the-70s-disaster-horror-movie-genre event like this we can see why.

(CNN) -- The holiday weekend buzz at a California fair was stinging.

A July Fourth fireworks show disturbed a hive and angry bees swarmed a crowd of spectators at the Alameda County Fair on Friday night. About 100 people were stung, some multiple times, said Alameda County spokeswoman Aisha Knowles.

The bees were not discriminating -- in waves of attacks, they stung young and old alike. The victims ranged from 6 months to 60 years and were treated by firefighters on the scene. None of the injuries were serious, she said...

The Cohenian Future

2010-06-10T06:57:00.009-04:00

In 1992, Leonard Cohen released a highly regarded album called The Future. On one of the songs, titled “The Future,” Cohen ponders myriad dark shit that will greet us one day when the future arrives.

You'll see a woman
hanging upside down
her features covered by her fallen gown
and all the lousy little poets
coming round
tryin' to sound like Charlie Manson
and the white man dancin'

If the song was longer it would delve into plenty more. This is one of those things:

In the future… people will be so cynical about white women disappearing that when a non-minority woman goes missing, people will just openly mock the abduction and be annoyed that the news bothers the rest of us to report it.

Obama Administration Suspiciously Silent On Umpire Robbing Pitcher of Perfect Game

2010-06-03T07:27:00.006-04:00

Did you watch Detroit Tiger Armando Galarraga throw a perfect game last night? Well, technically Galarraga's effort won't go down in history as a perfect game because of a bad call with two outs in the ninth inning from umpire, Jim Joyce. If you saw the game, Galarraga clearly tapped the first base bag with the ball gloved before the runner when the umpire called the runner safe.

Let me follow up this with a second question regarding our President. Is this the change you voted for?!

That's right Mr. President, where are you in all this? Is it just me or does it also strike you as funny that it was just a couple months ago that President Obama was throwing out what passes as a first pitch these days for the Washington Nationals opening game. Yet there is no report whatsoever that he even bothered to address bad calls when he had the opportunity to talk to MLB umpires. There's another thing - notice how he made the point to throw the pitch left-handed? Yeah, nice move from the guy who claimed he was going to bring bipartisanship to Washington.

Come to think of it, the President has a bad track record when it comes to baseball. Remember his mom-jeans when he threw the first pitch at the All-Star Game in 2009? Who doesn't, right?

I know those on the left have cried foul when others have made the earnest charge that the President is a proponent of socialist and communist ideas. Yet somehow it's okay when Obama's administration has nothing to say about a bad call that deprives a pitcher of the elusive Perfect Game and threatens to damage the credibility of America's Pasttime. Apparently America's Pasttime isn't important, but allowing illegals to run rampant in the country, defending terrorists, and pandering to socialist Europe are.

I ask again, is this the change you voted for?

Philosophical Musings of thez0rk

2010-05-27T07:40:00.005-04:00

The angry white man thing is still something I don't understand and obviously will never get behind.

Truthfully, with the attitude of a lot of small town/rural whites...I see large parts of this country turning into a ghetto. The idea that education isn't important (ignorant and proud), you should work hard but you should never actually change or have any real level of ambition. Xenophobia and this are going to leave a lot of people unable to compete economically.

Honestly, I've developed a bit of an affection for south Florida. It's a true melting pot, what the American experiment was meant to be and it was built by immigrants. A lot of people come here from Latin American and Caribbean countries and make their own way. I find it quite impressive compared to your typical white dick head who'll spend 20 years of his life in a factory and never prepare for anything else and then be utterly amazed when his job disappears when he's 40 and then looks for somebody to blame (democrats, immigrants, fags).

Hard work is not a virtue in and of itself.

Sammy Hagar's Fountain of Youth

2010-05-24T15:27:00.003-04:00

Recently some guys in my hobby group were talking about Carl Sagan, Hawking and Einstein with regard to the Theory of Relatively. As anyone familiar with the basics of relativity knows, one part of the theory states that as you travel at a faster and faster rate of speed your aging process slows down – while others not traveling at a high rate of speed continue to age normally. This means that if we send a ship to a nearby star system at a speed approaching the speed of light it could get there in a few years. But the families and friends of the crew who stayed on Earth would age at a considerably faster rate and perhaps be long dead by the time the crew returned home.

In related matters, I’d been thinking recently about how youthful Sammy Hagar looks at the venerable age of 62. Applying the theory of relatively to the Red Rocker himself, we can grasp how Hagar manages to still look so young. All we have to do is look to Hagar's tour de force, “I Can’t Drive 55,” in which he makes it plain that when he goes somewhere he goes there really fucking fast!

Weed Your Garden Or Die!

2010-05-15T16:57:00.010-04:00

You like your video games fast, dangerous and on-the-go just like your real life! Well, get ready because Electronic Artistas has reported to Pfft, Science's tech division that they are following up the 1987 in-your-face titled game Skate or Die! with one sure to get the alternative, not-afraid-to-get-their-hands-dirty crowd's blood pumping.

Weed Your Garden Or Die! will feature 22 different levels of challenging gardens to weed with a tense timer clock to test your mettle. Eliminate the alien-invasive species from your garden so your flowers and shrubbery can earn you the respect of your neighborhood. Face off against over a dozen insect, arachnid and rodent Bosses. And be careful what you pull! Is that fledgling vine poison ivy or harmless virginia creeper? If you don't have any Tecnu® Rash Relief™ or pot roasts handy, you don't want to find out the hard way!

Weed Your Garden Or Die! will hit stores this summer!

Mike Knowles is a Piece of Shit

2010-05-12T00:01:00.004-04:00

Some months ago thez0rk and Wester did a series of "____ is a piece of shit" following the Tyson's Punch Out!! boxers.

But friends, today we aren't here to tell you about Soda Popinski or Bald Bull. Rather this is a post about a non-pixelated, real life piece of shit. I don't wish to elaborate on all of the details of the story in question but will link to the full article.

Here's the skinny. A Pasadena high school polevaulter's track team was behind in points at the end of the competition against rival Monrovia High, requiring her to make a second place jump for her team to pull ahead for the win. In epic fashion she completed the jump and her team went ahead by a narrow margin. This is where the music is supposed to play and the crowd goes wild as the good guys win.

Well, that almost happened, except Monrovia's coach, Mike Knowles, pointed out to the ref conveniently after she completed her jump that the polevaulter was wearing a friendship bracelet (which apparently violates some nuance of the track and field no-jewelry rule in section 8a, subsection 13f, sub-subsection 3-11). Okay I made up that number but only to illustrate the absurdity of the technicality. The refs disqualified the girl's jump and the good guys did not win. The pathetic thing is Knowles is quoted playing like he is heart-broken that he had to be the guy to tell the official, which really comes across as third-rate disingenuous pandering.

I can only barely comprehend an official disqualifying someone over such an irrelevant technicality that has nothing to do with the spirit of the game. It's akin to an umpire calling a balk when a pitcher has a heart attack on the mound. But I digress. My main point is I wonder how this guy can pretend to teach sportsmanship to high school students after this?! At the least I'd like to believe that common decency can prevail over this sort of cynicism. But I'd be expecting too much from Coach Knowles.

Truly you are a piece of shit, and we're talking the pulpy, explosive kind that inspires even the flies to make Mr. Yuk faces.

To "Curly Bill"

2010-05-11T07:43:00.004-04:00

Graduates of the University of Notre Dame ('97 and '99) have begun their campaign to petition the folks at Merriam-Webster’s to include “Curly Bill” as a transitive verb.

Curly Bill (tr. verb) – To take something presented as part of an offer (i.e. “that old deal”) and then fail to fulfill your end of the bargain and then bring harm to the issuer of the bargain (i.e. “drill that old devil in the ass.”)

Ex. Pfizer Curly Billed the federal government in a recent lobbying effort that gridlocked the recent session of Congress.

By Contributing Writer Richardo Flowers

An Uncanny Synchronicity

2010-05-05T07:43:00.002-04:00

1987: Wes discovers Spiderman and buys a number of comics and compiled series. He is introduced to such villains as Venom, Rhino, Scorpion, Mysterio, Lizard, Green Goblin and Hobgoblin.

2002: Wes and Zach invent a complex language called Oobonigs, that serves as a code for talking in public so that no one else can tell what they are saying – it also has the virtue of being very fun to say.

2007: Wes carries on the tradition of Oobonigs as Zach somewhat sours to it, especially after certain emails that become painful to read in the language.

2009-2010: Wes finds another disciple of the language in Rich Fowler. The two pick up where Zach and Wes left off and the language continues to evolve in ways that inspire anthropologists in the future to study the language from an academic perspective.

May 4, 2010: Wes is sitting on Rich’s porch buzzed and begins saying the names of Spiderman villains in his head. As he goes through the list in his head his mind has to fend off the other-dimensional madness upon realizing the uncanniness that none of these villains have names that are fun to say in Oobonigs! Wes begins exploring what this strange synchronicity means in the greater context of his life, or perhaps in the context of the world’s well-being.

Kanye West and Mike Myers to Reenact New Orleans Bit

2010-05-03T07:15:00.002-04:00

With criticism recently being hurled at President Obama’s slowness to act to protect the Gulf Coast from BP’s epic offshore explosion and the spread of the oil leak, Kanye West and Mike Myers have announced they will reenact their famous bit from the Hurricane Katrina relief concert. On September 2, 2005 West and Myers were together during NBC’s famous A Concert for Hurricane Relief when West said, “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people.” Of course, President Bush (43) then went on in his term in office to be one of the most instrumental U.S. Presidents ever to address poverty and the spread of disease in Africa.

Kanye West is expected to deliver the line, “Barack Obama doesn’t care about Black people,” to which Mike Myers will look surprised and genuinely uncomfortable sharing the stage with West after the ugly allegation. Shortly after the mic will be cut and the camera will cut to Chris Tucker.

Peter Steele and Diet Black® "The Gothic Soft Drink"

2010-04-16T07:10:00.003-04:00

Years ago we brought you the commercial for Diet Black® "The gothic soft drink" featuring bassy-voiced goth spokesmen Peter Murphy and Peter Steele. This week, thez0rk called me up minutes after the tragic news came in that Peter Steele of Type O Negative passed away from a heart-related problem.

We take this time to honor Peter Steele by reflecting on the long-running Diet Black soft drink campaign.

Terminology of a Tabletop RPG

2010-04-08T07:23:00.003-04:00

So for a number of months I've been working on developing a simplified, high action, character-centric RPG.

While reading recently about the LORE sytem (or Lightweight Omnipotent Roleplaying Engine), I realized engine is a viable term for the mechanics of an RPG, whereas I've always referred to mechanics as system. This instantly made me reconsider calling my game system an engine. This word creates more mirth for me...

Crazy Ass Muslims Further Endear World to Islam with Train Bombings

2010-03-29T07:57:00.003-04:00

The thing about Chechnyan rebels (two women according to reports) setting off a couple of bombs in a busy Moscow subway and killing 38 people is it inspires you to read about a country you otherwise wouldn’t know anything about. I don’t know if the bombers would consider that a lose-win.

It turns out human rights groups put Chechnya on par with Tibet as places you don’t want to be a citizen. I can't say I knew that. Though I'd hardly consider it surprisingly that some of the satellite Republics of Russia aren't happy places.

Related to this event, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was quoted as saying those behind these bombings "will be destroyed." I suppose it’s considered tacky for a government leader to say something more reactionary (and in a heavy Russian accent) like, “We are going to find you fuckers and call in a couple of [guys] to go to work on you with a pair of pliers and a blow torch.” Yet I can’t keep from wondering if Putin has been watching a lot of Power Rangers or those awful cartoons with card playing duels. Badguy, I will destroy you!

Comment Boards: Comedy or Depressing

2010-02-28T15:30:00.008-05:00

I was checking out an old song called "Cry Little Sister" by G Tom Mac from the 80s movie The Lost Boys. I made the mistake of noticing the comments section, which will consistently demonstrate how misanthropic and pathetic people can be without any social restraints to moderate their behavior. At the same time, the comment chain had a comic edge to it, if you're like me and you find mirth in what should be depressing. Here is the comment chain:

burnandbleed93 (4 months ago) Show Hide
0
Marked as spam
Reply | Spam
this guy does not know the lyrics to that song very good
sicklydisturbing (4 months ago) Show Hide
+5
Marked as spam
Reply | Spam
So wait... You think you know the lyrics better than the guy who actually wrote the song? Wow i didnt know that was possible..
elrod69giggity (2 weeks ago) Show Hide
-1
Marked as spam
Reply | Spam
@sicklydisturbing

This guy didn't write the song.
PhantosTheHedgehog (4 days ago) Show Hide
0
Marked as spam
Reply | Spam
@ elrod69giggity, Yes. He did
wanderingimage (6 months ago) Show Hide
+1

Valentine’s Day Consolation for 2010

2010-02-12T07:01:00.006-05:00

Once again the dreaded time of year approaches in that darkest, coldest, bleakest of cold months when those who haven’t found their other half are forced to stay indoors with their rented movies, cat and chocolate declarations that I don’t give a fuck what my body looks like and ponder the cruelty of the universe and what is so wrong with them that they can’t find anyone who wants them.

But there is one consolation this Valentine’s Day. While there will certainly be millions of couples remembering not to take for granted their significant others over romantic dinners, shared activities and hot passionate carnal acts, there will be little in the way of actual fun to be had on February 14th because it is a Sunday this year.

One can hardly imagine a more dreadful day to celebrate Valentine’s Day or anything else, for that matter. In my hometown half of the restaurants are closed by 6pm on Sundays and too bad if you are thinking of meandering around the mall, taking in a night of music and dance or browsing the downtown storefronts – those places are closed too. Sunday seems to carry with it an inherent gloom, heralding that last day of dignified freedom that always seems to go by too fast before the reality of the work week sets in. Do you think it’s a coincidence that 84% of suicides happen between the days of Sunday and Tuesday? Hell, by Thursday you already have the week licked and your temporary freedom is again within your grasp.

So to all you who must walk the blackened desert night all alone with the wind and sand remorselessly battering your face, take this one comfort: a Sunday Valentine’s Day is pretty sucky anyway.

Small College Declares Owlbear Mascot

2010-01-14T07:31:00.000-05:00

This year the Institute for Accounting of Eastern Indiana has founded a men's volleyball team, forcing the college of 218 students to declare a mascot for itself. With most mascot ideas already taken, IAEI has selected the Owlbear to represent the college's motto: "Strength, Wisdom, Integrity."

Proposed Soda Tax Inflames Former Punch-Out!! Star

2009-10-15T07:02:00.007-04:00

Soda Popinski has become the public face for the soda industry in resisting a proposed tax on soda. It is staggering. The average American consumes about 50 gallons of sugary drinks every year, a significant contribution to obesity in the U.S. Authors of the proposed tax believe it will reduce consumption of soda pop, reducing obesity rates and providing funds to cover obesity related medical costs.

Popinski was recently flown over from Russia in a private jet paid for by Pepsico. The former Punch-Out!! boxing star is attempting to organize 1,000,000 citizens to throw empty aluminum cans and plastic bottles into Boston Harbor late this month. Police have made it clear that anyone throwing cans into the harbor will be cited for littering. Soda Party members have lashed out saying that police threats represent the government's attempts to trample over citizens' rights.

Tea Party Faction Has Unkind Words for Lindsey Graham

2009-10-14T00:47:00.017-04:00

You know I try to be pretty diplomatic and give props to people on both sides of the political fence when I think it is deserved. But honestly, you people ("What do you mean by you people?") who don't seem to ever tire of throwing around rocks like "socialist," "communist" or "Hitler" need to listen to yourselves. You are more than a little on the wrong side of history. You are the proverbial syphilis on the baby maker, and not the good kind.

When you guys are calling Lindsey Graham (super-con Senator from South Carolina) a "traitor" or "democrat in drag" because he has teamed up with John Kerry in addressing things like climate, fossil fuel emissions and energy independence, do you guys realize how out there you sound - and we're talking Kuiper Belt level out there? I mean I can go around shouting that the 1990 Broncos were robbed by the refs against the 49ers in Superbowl XXIV (55-10), but me shouting doesn't make it anywhere near reality.

Seriously, this means We the (sane) People need to shout back when we hear this sort of nonsense being spewed. I don't know about you, but I'm embarrassed to have these idiots walking around thinking their nutbar beliefs hold any sort of truth. Let's replace this zealotry with a little common sense.

Here is the two minute youtube link for those willing to ruin their day by watching some of the worst that our citizenry has to offer.

What the Liberal Media Doesn't Tell You

2009-10-12T13:19:00.005-04:00

I'm hearing today a crazy story and wondering where the "liberal media" was in reporting this?!

In 1999 a monumental incident happened in Norway that really alters a person's fundamental perceptions about life and death. A skier slid down a mountain and ended up unconscious in a frigid stream. Her friends could not pull her out from the ice with their feeble tools. The decision was made to leave her in the ice and get help. An hour and a half later she was retrieved by a rescue team and her body temperature was 50-some degrees. The skier was warmed up and resuscitation was attempted at the hospital three hours later. Shockingly, the skier's heart pulsed.

After a year of paralysis, the skier is today back skiing and physically okay.

But it really makes you wonder, doesn't it, where the media was 10 years ago in covering this story? I never heard it!

When are people finally going to wake up and take back our country?!

Obama Wins the Gold Cup...Er, Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-12T07:06:00.004-04:00

I heard a good conversation about this on the radio today.

I think just about everyone realizes the awarding of the prize to President Obama wasn’t based just on merit in the same way it has been in other instances in history. I suppose some will cynically see giving the prize to the President as the Nobel committee jerking off Obama.

I prefer to see the Nobel presentation as a statement that the US is trying to live up to an ideal that other countries have looked up to us for (especial since WWI). It's no secret that many other nations aren't real crazy about some very unpopular policies of the Bush Administration.

Maybe it is also a statement that we as voters overcame the obstacle of race when we elected President Obama by a fair margin. I'm not saying that anyone should vote for the black guy just because he's black. But it is still an achievement when you consider our nation is one with a history of slavery, lynchings, civil rights leader assassinations, a disproportionate number of minorities in prison, etc.

Maybe the awarding of the Nobel says our nation is a complicated role model in how blacks, browns, whites, yellows and reds can get along in a melting pot. I think that is something to be proud of, not exploit as a wedge to divide people.

The last caller wrote what I thought was a nice statement: “Can’t we all just be proud as Americans once in a while for something we’ve been given from the world, whether deserved, undeserved…?”

Rush Limbaugh Comments on Roman Polanski Controversy

2009-09-30T14:53:00.004-04:00

Pfft, Science, in an effort to stay on top of all political and cultural news, recently contacted many prominent media members to get comments on the ongoing situation involving Roman Polanski.

We just received this comment via email from our good friend, Rush Limbaugh:

"THIS IS THE PROBLEM OF A LIBERAL, SOCIALIST SOCIETY LIKE FRANCE. IT'S OKAY TO ANALLY RAPE A YOUNG GIRL IF YOU MAKE GOOD MOVIES! ART IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN LIFE! IS THIS THE DIRECTION YOU WANT COMRADE OBAMA TAKING US?"

Reflections on Health Care Reform

2009-09-30T07:31:00.018-04:00

I remember as a teenager my now late step-father saying matter-of-factly that he thought in the future America would go to socialized medicine. He didn’t say it with any particular glee or disdain, nor paranoia that government run health care meant that suddenly we'd be living in 1984 or Logan's Run. I'm not sure; perhaps he looked at Medicare and thought government run medicine wasn't so horrifying. Apparently he thought this was simply a way government would keep insurance companies from driving costs out of hand and as a way that government could make sure more people had a safety net for their health.

The thing is my step-father was one of the officers for the local VFW (he was drafted and served in the Vietnam War). He wasn’t a fan of the flight to Canada thing. I remember on several occasions him saying, "America, love it or leave it," in response to news clips where people burned the flag. He voted for Bush at least once and probably the second time too. He was the guy who ordered a steak instead of salad, who went hunting and fishing on weekends.

I can’t know if my step-dad would have voted for President Obama. I doubt it. I think John McCain - and the fact Senator McCain has at times been a thorn in the side of his own party because he cares more about issues than party loyalty - was my step-dad's type of candidate.

But this veteran of the Vietnam war and small town, family man would not have been a part of the insinuations I'm seeing that the President is a no-good commie and so are you if you agree that our country should come up with a (not particularly socialist) way to provide affordable health care to those who don't have it.

I don't know that my step-dad would have supported the details of the current health care bill. But he would not have resorted to namecalling or forwarding emails that rely on hot-button words like "socialist" and "communist" to turn an earnest debate into the sad spectacle it has become.

Cleaning Up Our Own: Elementary School Song About Obama

2009-09-28T07:14:00.008-04:00

A video has come out about an elementary school in New Jersey where kids were singing an original song about Barack Obama during Black History Month last year. The school has sparked controversy about indoctrinating kids with politics. More disturbing is the song sucks. I mean there's the typical garbage tht plagues elementary school music performances, and then there's this!

In the spirit of keeping other leftists honest, let it be known I'm the first to say schools teaching songs about specific political candidates is best avoided. I mean I don't know if this is quite on par with obstructing health care reform to score political capital against a President. Nor is it on par with, say, using fear about who is American and who is un-American to manipulate the country into going to war. But I'll grant kids should be given a pass from songs about anyone who is engaged in running for the Presidency.

Having been a teacher myself, I understanding how difficult it is to always be alert to things that may offend certain parents. So I'll steady my trigger finger and at least consider the possibility that the music teacher might have just made a poor decision and the agenda wasn't to brainwash kids so they'd talk their parents into voting for Obama. But I still have to say, 'C'mon. What were you thinking? Even if it was Black History Month?!'

Now that we've called out our own, let's hope the favor is returned with such issues as religious groups keeping their faith limited to Sunday service and before-school Bible meetings, and out of the actual public school day.

Or alternatively, perhaps some righties at a tea party will check their own when they see someone at a rally with a sign reading "youth in asia." Maybe they'll remember the spirit of cleaning up your own and tell the sign bearer, "Dude, if you don't know how to spell euthanasia, then you clearly don't know what the f@*# you're talking about. Stop embarrassing our movement."

MAS*H and Ravenloft

2009-09-23T07:48:00.006-04:00

Ravenloft came up recently in my game group. At some point, someone mentioned the concept of characters who originate from the normal fantasy worlds getting trapped into Ravenloft.

I always forget about that aspect of the plane of dread...well, not forget so much as neglect, I suppose. I've always thought of Ravenloft as the center of a campaign, as opposed to just a break from a regular campaign. That's not to criticize any group that thinks taking a field trip from Forgotten Realms to get a taste of horror isn't fun or legitimate. And, of course, you can always make the visit to Ravenloft a permanent one.

I think any especially moody setting only shines if it's given full treatment. As the adventure of the week, I think a lot of the point would be missed and would feel more like if the cast of, say, M*A*S*H did a brooding horror episode arc. It would still be cool but not as cool as a show that consistently had the brooding horror tone.

NPR Liberal Bias

2009-09-22T07:41:00.003-04:00

I realized today National Public Radio IS as liberal as all the people say when they dismiss it as a mouthpiece for the leftwing. For instance, I was listening today and they had an author on who was French, who had a French accent and everything!