PhantomScribe's Language Anguish

Last Laugh

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 20:27:00 +0000

I'm sure that in a middle-school-boys'-locker-room way, the ad on the right is funny as it stands, but for me, hilarity did not ensue until some visionary editor placed it across the fold from the ad on the left. I think the only way Indiana Combat Veteran could have improved on this layout would have involved putting the "taps" column just above both. Seriously though, are VFW publications not subject to the same SAPP criteria as other military newspapers and magazines?

Of course, absurd advertising appears everywhere. Fort Wayne Newspapers, Inc. has begun promoting its Mother's Day tribute sections with a series of ads featuring captions that are more amusing than informative. This, we're told, is blonde Julie Smith's "actual vertical size" (poor thing), while brunette Julie Smith's "actual size will be larger" (let's hope so).

This weblog, on the other hand, will not be growing! Today's post will be my last--here anyway. Thanks to all who dropped by, and especially to those who left comments. It's been fun, but now that this class assignment is over, I'll be getting back to my "real" online writing projects: a diary/scrapbook/love letter to my grandson (in its third year) at HunterKnight.blogspot.com, an online portfolio of my daughter's sculpting and my son's painting projects at HuesByHughes.biz, a website for my sister's business at CornerVet.com, my police watchdog reports at AssholeCops.com, my genealogy at Roady.com and, of course, my business at the original PhantomScribe site, PhantomScribe.com. Please stop by!

Let's resurrect diagramming

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 00:48:00 +0000

I realize I'm old--and old school--but if new pedagogy is what spawns "professional writers" like those who created, proofed, and/or edited this lead, it's time to rethink the way we (don't) teach English now. Seriously, folks:

What is the subject of this sentence? TRIP.
What is the linking verb? MAY BE. (NOT is just an adverb.)
What is the complement? SOMETHING WORTH MONEY, SOMETHING WORTH TIME, SOMETHING TO PARTICIPATE IN.

Huh?

Never mind the preposition ending the sentence; the author is apparently now talking about the MEETING, which is just the object of her earlier prepositional phrase, not the subject of the sentence. Yikes! Back in my day, newspaper reporters lowered their writing to an eighth grade level so typical readers could understand the story. Now, it seems, we need for them to raise their writing to an eight grade level ... for the very same reason!

With acceptance of "they," "them," "their," and "theirs" as generic singular pronouns, emphasis on creativity over convention in academic writing, and tolerance of grammar anarchy in general, teachers and professors are cheating their charges. Students need, employers tell us time and again, "excellent communication skills," but they graduate unable to write (or speak) coherently. In the real world, workers don't get paychecks just because they meet a page count and complete the prescribed number of drafts on time. We need to wean students away from their preschool T-ball "everybody plays, everybody wins, everybody gets a trophy" mindset. There is a right and wrong way to do everything.

Perhaps it's time to reinstitute the archaic practice of memorizing parts of speech, or even diagramming sentences. If the reporter above had ever learned to map her own thoughts, we wouldn't need GPS assistance to wade through her story!

The day the language died

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 19:40:00 +0000

Yesterday (March 14) was Twitter’s fifth birthday. They published several statistics, including these:

· 3 years, 2 months and 1 day. The time it took from the first Tweet to the billionth Tweet.

· 1 week. The time it now takes for users to send a billion Tweets.

· 50 million. The average number of Tweets people sent per day, one year ago.

· 140 million. The average number of Tweets people sent per day, in the last month.

· 177 million. Tweets sent on March 11, 2011.

What didn’t find its way into Twitter’s statistics was the number of Tweets that contained misspellings, grammar errors and bastardized abbreviations for words that aren’t that long in the first place.

Before you get “all up in my grill,” rest assured I know that Tweets are currently limited to 140 characters each and that without some abbreviations, one would not be able to stuff all one wishes into one’s Tweet. (I also know that many Tweets, if not most, are a bunch of drivel that doesn’t merit Tweeting in the first place, but that’s a whole ‘nother discussion … as is Tweeting/texting to someone who’s sitting at the other end of the sofa.) What irritates me is that poor language skills are not only prevalent on Twitter and in text messages, they’re leaking into real-world conversation. Just last week I was standing in line at a checkout counter and heard somebody behind me talking on her cell phone. I suppose I must give her credit for not texting or Tweeting her chatter, but she definitely loses credit for actually verbalizing the abbreviations “BFF,” “OMG” and “TTYL.”

My goodness, have we gotten that lazy? I can only conclude that we have. You might argue that “BFF” and “TTYL” are quicker to say than their full versions, but what about “OMG”? Can you seriously argue that “OMG” is quicker to say than “Oh my gawd”? They’re the same number of syllables! Fine, type the short version. But don’t SPEAK it.

I hate to think how many grammar-school kids are going to grow up confused about the spelling of words such as “please,” “thanks” and “welcome,” just to name a few. It’s bad enough that those words seem to be disappearing from our spoken language. Most kids, when they use those words at all, spell them “pls” or “plz”, “tx” or “ty”, and “wc.” I’d like to think it’s just because they’re trying to keep their Tweets and texts short and fast, but I suspect it’s more laziness than anything else. Otherwise, why not just call the person? If you can’t call someone because of where you are or what you’re doing, you probably shouldn’t be Tweeting or texting, either. And if that person isn’t someplace where he or she can answer the phone, he or she probably shouldn’t be answering your Tweet or text, either. (The etiquette of Tweeting/texting is also a whole ‘nother discussion, as well.)

And complete, grammatically correct sentences in a Tweet/text? Forget about it. I received a text a week or so ago that read “Where you at?” It was a wrong number, but that’s beside the point: Why not “Where are you?” One more character and correct sentence structure would result in dismemberment or a horrifying death? In this case, I suspect poor spoken English has resulted in a poor text message instead of the other way around, but the end result is the same. I suppose I should be happy it didn’t read “Were U @?”.

Our words, our conversations, our social interaction – they’re all becoming abbreviated. More and more, it seems the only things that are truly connected are our electronic devices.

And that’s FU.

Today's blog is brought to you by PhantomScribe's friend and fellow former military public affairs instructor, Roni. (You may recognize her as a regular and like-minded responder here.) Roni is retired and living in central Illinois, where the coyotes howl at passing trains and the buffalo gnats rule the spring skies. She collects vorpal swords and keeps cats, mome raths, borogoves and slithy toves as pets. Roni enjoys snipe hunting and cornstalk topiary. Her sarcasm is legendary and her purse light, and she longs for the day when stupidity will no longer be the basic building block of the universe. Roni has been encouraged recently by other friends and family members to start blogging, so she is guest-ghost-writing this column as a litmus test. PLEASE BE NICE TO HER!

Shame on us!

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 21:27:00 +0000

I've been using a spreadsheet to keep track of which classmates I owe a visit and/or comment on these weblogs ... and I've discovered that some of us are terrible slackers! I personally haven't blogged (here) since Week 6, but I had 13 posts banked (Mike S. has me beat with 15 posts; A.J. is right behind us with 11), and I have responded to 12 of yours (behind Lane with 15 and Vickie with 13).

Fewer than half of us (Lucas, Vickie, Mary, A.J., Mike S., Jeff, Lane and I) have hit the midterm postings requirement, and only four of us (Vickie, Mary, Lane and I) have hit the responses goal. One of us has blogged only once, and two others have responded to no peer posts. C'mon, people! This is 10% of our grade and the semester is half over! Get caught up! I love you!

"Herstory" is not a word; RIP feminist rhetorical criticism

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 05:27:00 +0000

Sonja K. Foss's latest edition of Rhetorical Criticism: Exploration and Practice is void of any chapter on feminist criticism, and I am delighted! I'm no fan of Ludacris, "Girls Gone Wild" or Howard Stern, but I'm sick of feminists who have no sense of humor. I'm sick of feminists who resent terms of endearment. I'm sick of feminists who can't read "man" as "mankind."

I'm particularly sick of poser feminists. If you're too young to identify this Playboy bunny as Gloria Steinem, or if you learned everything you know about the ERA from "Women's Studies," shut up already. Find a crusade that still needs you. This one's over.

I played with the original 1959 Barbie instead of toy trucks but grew up to be an ASE certified diesel mechanic. I donned lacy white gloves and my pink Sunday dress to watch Disney princess movies at the Embassy Theater but grew up to wear leathers and race motorcycles at Willow Springs. I loved rearranging my doll house but grew up to build my own two-story garage. During high school I was a pom-pon girl and a drummer; I carhopped in short A&W culottes and pumped gas in long Texaco overalls. I can clean, cook, and sew, but I can also weld, wire, and plumb. I carry a purse and a firearm.

In the 1960s Little League was only for boys, so my girlfriends and I had to start our own baseball team at Franke Park. In the 1970s the military had no maternity uniforms, so I was medically discharged when I got pregnant. In the 1980s I trained male layout artists who hadn't my graphics degree or experience but made 25 percent higher wages because they "had families to support." Then in the 1990s I returned to military duty while my daughter played varsity softball and served as cheer captain. Today my three grandchildren stay home with my son while his wife brings home the bacon--a situation they planned while both were working her way through medical school.

We, like Sonja Foss, recognize this as a post-feminist era, and have moved on. Join us!

It's not news unless it's "about" the reporter

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 16:05:00 +0000

Didn't the word "report" once imply a detached account? I think the trend toward news narcissism began with national/world weather stories featuring cold, wet or windblown media personalities rather than actual residents dealing with disasters. I'm still boycotting WANE more than five years after seeing reporter Terra Brantley pose, Captain Morgan style, on the ruins of some poor family's home during Hurricane Katrina. (Her insensitivity aside, I was appalled that any local news agency exported useless media teams to a community in such dire need of food, water, transportation and shelter for its residents.) I'm even more disgusted by "stories" about media personalities trying to do real work. I don't want to see a GMA anchor in the back seat of an F-16; I want to know about the pilot, his training, his mission, his family. I don't want to see Today Show hosts "become Internet sensations" by mashing OK Go! or imitating YouTube dances (and I wish someone would explain to their producers that "going viral" can't be orchestrated). Last night, I wanted to know what was happening to Egyptians in Cairo, and the News Sentinel wanted to tell me about a former employee who got punched in the face in Tahrir Square. So I turned on the television, where Indiana's News Center was presenting the first of a two-part story on anchor Melissa Long's karate hobby. Thank God for Twitter and Facebook news feeds!

Rock your boat, chair, or cradle

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 16:10:00 +0000

but please "wear" your clothes, "pass" your test, and "play" your musical instrument. Thank you.

I mean, rock on.

These fine examples is from just today

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 18:35:00 +0000

Common sense is an oxymoron, you butt head

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 19:23:00 +0000

So are these:

act naturally
advanced BASIC
almost exactly
alone together
authentically reproduced
canned/frozen fresh
center around
clearly misunderstood
click "start" to shut down
constant change
crash landing
deafening silence
decreased growth
definite maybe
even odds
exact estimate
first annual (one of my pet peeves)
found missing/turned up missing
free trade
freezer burn
go ahead/back up
good grief
government organization
Great Depression
Hell’s Angels
holy war
hot chili
jumbo shrimp
larger half
last initial
little giant
living dead
long shorts
military intelligence
near miss
old news
one of the only
original copy
passive aggressive
peace force
peacekeeper missile
plastic glasses
political science
pretty ugly
resident alien
rolling stop
same difference
sanitary landfill
seriously funny
silent alarm
small crowd
soft rock
student teacher
sweet tart
synthetic natural gas
taped live
temporary tax increase
terribly pleased
tight slacks
to infinity and beyond
unbiased opinion
virtual reality
working vacation

This ad gave me déjà vu all over again

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 14:33:00 +0000

"Irregardless" of what you think, "humorous redundancy" is an oxymoron. During a particularly frustrating grading marathon a few years ago, I began logging the circumlocution I found and stopped being amused by it. (Or should I say ceased and desisted?) Here are some common culprits:

12 midnight/12 noon
added bonus
advance planning/advance warning
all over again
ask for by name
ATM machine
awkward predicament
basic fundamentals
close proximity
complete stop
difficult dilemma
end result
estimated roughly
filled to capacity
first and foremost
free gift
frozen ice
general public
illegal discrimination
input into
join together
kill dead
little baby
live studio audience
meet together
natural instinct
never at any time
null and void
over and done with
overexaggerate
pair of twins
past experience/past history
PIN number/VIN number
plan ahead/preplan
poisonous venom
reason why
refer back
regular routine
same exact
suddenly exploded
unexpected surprise
very pregnant
very unique

If you're not part of the solution, you might be a news anchor

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 03:46:00 +0000

After the shooting of 19 people at a Tucson political rally last week, Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, FOX and CNN alike blamed "vitriolic rhetoric" for the tragedy. Since then, news anchors and analysts have reported, repeated, and vilified every gun-related analogy ever used by Sarah Palin or Barack Obama. Today one of our oblivious local media personalities immediately followed one such diatribe with a story about campaign finance reports, which she called (I am not making this up) "politicians' war chests." Sigh.

WWJ(ayZ)D about Huck Finn?

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 00:20:00 +0000

Marguerite Henry's Geraldine Belinda (1942) was my favorite book when I was a little girl. It was beautifully illustrated by Gladys Rourke Blackwood. Its fine moral lesson was about snobbery, sharing, and forgiveness. Its protagonist had pigtails like mine (and a muff like I always wanted), and its red cover was my favorite color. But when I unpacked it in the early 1980s for my firstborn, who was beginning to read, I realized it was also politically incorrect. Having studied Uncle Tom's Cabin sometime in the interim between 1960 and 1980, I now recognized Geraldine's Topsy doll as a derogatory stereotype rather than the 1940s equivalent of my Tiny Tears or my daughter's Strawberry Shortcake. My first inclination was to put the book back in storage, but I used it instead to create a teachable moment. Over the years, literature provided me many more teachable moments about race, religion, gender, and other issues of tolerance and inclusion.

How will today's and tomorrow's children learn history--learn FROM history--if we sanitize books like Huckleberry Finn to reflect society's current mores rather than the values of their authors and the periods during which they were written? Even Oprah, on today's MLK tribute show, told her audience she now understands why (and how) Jay Z uses the n-word. Let's accord Mark Twain the same insight.

Spellcheck for cake decorators?

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 12:45:00 +0000

Most people who mangle this go with "congradulations," so at least it's original!

Slow Children Crossing

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 17:13:00 +0000

My daughter's childhood friend Sarah May Silva recently posted an amusing facebook status message that soared over the heads of most of her readers: Is it "A woman without her man is nothing" or "A woman: without her, man is nothing"? I gave her an lol, but the rest of her commenters went off on feminist rants. Are Sarah and Alanis Morissette the only members of their generation who "get" irony, or did schools stop teaching punctuation in the '80s? I fear both to be true, but this blog isn't about the demise of subtle humor, so let's ponder commas--missing, misplaced, and superfluous.

Before teaching their punctuation unit, I always ask my developmental English students, "How many of you learned in elementary school to put a comma in your sentence wherever you would pause while speaking the same words?" They ALL did, and that's the only "rule" most of them EVER learned! So those who speak like every conversation is a filibuster use no commas, while those who hem and haw sprinkle them like pepper over their compositions. But in series? After introductory phrases? Around asides or appositives? Before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences? After dependent clauses? With nonrestrictive clauses? Most would be more successful defusing a bomb or clearing a minefield blindfolded!

Teaching grown-ups to use punctuation correctly is challenging for instructors and frustrating for their adult students, who must first "unlearn" decades of bad habits. If I had a million dollars, I'd send all current fourth graders the kids' version of Eats, Shoots & Leaves (right) and all their parents--and teachers--the original book (scrollbar below). What would you do?

You'll pay later ...

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 15:00:00 +0000

My friend and mentor John Banusiewicz, managing editor for the Department of Defense, celebrates superfluous punctuation every Friday, and food vendors seem to dominate his end-of-week facebook wall of shame. Among the signs he's collected are some doosies: "PIZZA" BY THE SLICE makes me wonder what the eatery is really serving. I'll not be shopping at any deli that warns OUR FRIED FOODS MAY HAVE BEEN COOKED IN "SOY OIL." And for many reasons I'll detour blocks around the market that posts "PARENTS" You are Responsible For your "Childrens" (SAFETY) Do not let them Run "Free" or "Leave" them "Unattended" "In Shopping Carts" While Shopping. Management Thank You

Visit the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks for additional chuckles and/or frustration.

You can't proofread your 1x2 ad? Really?

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 15:55:00 +0000

Facebook's sidebar is such a target-rich environment that it may be unfair to pick on its advertisers, but these gems come from universities, so no mercy: I would question the qualifications of any teacher who earned an MS Ed at a school that capitalizes "Online" but not "english" (left), and I would worry about the leadership skills of 140+ generals and admirals who were apparently never taught the difference between "over" and "more than" (right).

"I will never need spelling because I'm going into the family construction business"

webmaster@PhantomScribe.com (PhantomScribe) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 21:18:00 +0000

In the very next block I saw an AXEL FOR SALE $40 sign.

Every community college English instructor has heard the same complaint from future mechanics, future nurses, and even future criminals: "I'm never going to use this stuff. Why do I have to take composition? It's a waste of my time and money." Sigh. I show the future mechanics incoherent work orders and ask how many comebacks they think the designated technician will have to absorb while guessing what needs to be repaired. I show the future nurses incoherent patient charts and ask how confident they think a caretaker will be administering the medication and/or treatment seemingly indicated. I even show the budding felons incoherent jail requisition forms and ask how soon they think the petitioning inmate will get his phone call or postage stamp. What would you tell them?