Phil Johnson of Roadside Attraction

Not so bad living near a jail…

Phil — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:03:40 +0000

The other day I mentioned to someone that I live near a jail. And they said, “Oh! Don’t you worry about criminals escaping?”

Nope, not really. It’s a minimum security jail. They break out to have lunch at Taco Bell, then go back. From what I know, it’s mostly blue collar criminal types in there. Not the really dangerous white collar types. No priests, I mean.

I think the Girl Scouts actually do a pretty good cookie business there every year. And there’s nothing like buying your annual Christmas tree from a convict.

And frankly, if there’s gay sex happening in there, it’s because they wanted it. I don’t think anyone is in there long enough to be forced into it.

The place is called Elmwood. That’s a wussy name for a jail. The name of jail should strike fear into the heart of a criminal. Attica, Riker’s Island, Alcatraz, Devil’s Island. Ok, maybe not Sing Sing. That sounds like a Broadway Musical with lots of stripy costumes.

Elmwood doesn’t even sound like a jail. It sounds like a retirement home. “Let’s just look at the brochures Mom… See? It’s got a lot of nice trees and nice men in orange jumpsuits to take care of you. Plus you can pump some iron in the gym after shuffleboard!”

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com <– Get your free download of the week!

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Why There Are No Female Islamic Terrorists

Phil — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 16:33:02 +0000

Because no woman wants her reward in Paradise to be 72 virgins. That’s not paradise. That’s a sex-ed class.

Nothing says Paradise like an army of premature ejaculators nervously fiddling with their 20-sided dice. They could be finished before she even arrives.

Here’s what the men think they’re getting:

And the ladies?…

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Dentistry Yields Great Comedy

Phil — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 19:25:12 +0000

I just got back from the dentist and, as a comic, I’m always looking for material during every experience. And during my time in the chair, I realized that I probably can’t outdo Bill Cosby when it comes to dentist jokes.

If you’ve never seen it, check out the clip below from “Bill Cosby: Himself”. I remember as a kid, literally, rolling on the floor laughing at this bit. Not in the internet slang “ROFL” type of way. I mean literally on the floor gasping for breath.

Enjoy…

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com – <- Check out the free download of the week!

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Beautiful Weeds

Phil — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 18:42:33 +0000

No, I’m not talking about that kind of “weed”. Let’s just say I don’t have the prettiest lawn on my block. Between a busy schedule that keeps me away from my mower and an amazing talent for turning plants brown, I’m sure my neighbors sometimes wish I’d move.

I think the world would be a lot easier if we could just appreciate the beauty of weeds. They’re plants like any other. And a hell of lot easier to care for. They’re not like a little baby that you have to coddle and feed all the time. They’re like a street urchin who knows how to pick a pocket and feed themselves.

Oh, you don’t think weeds can look nice? Check this guy’s gallery out.

All I’m saying is that it’s easier for me to start a world movement to appreciate weeds than it is to mow the lawn on Sunday morning. My laziness is laser directed.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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What’s Your Take On Music Artist Membership Sites?

Phil — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 18:30:10 +0000

In my last post I was talking about the decreasing numbers of paid downloads that the industry is worrying about. And lately the reports of decreasing ticket sales and canceled tours hasn’t helped any.

But as I also mentioned, entertainment is a lagging indicator of the economy. And, of course, the exorbitant ticket prices don’t do any good either. I would love to go see BB King this summer, but don’t have the extra$80 plus service charges to dole out for it. $20 and I’d be there in a heartbeat.

I think the lag in ticket prices is overdue. But at the same time, some of these tours with pyro and dancers and all that are really expensive to produce. Maybe it’s a matter of looking back and seeing what happened in the big band era. When it got too expensive to bring 18-20 musicians on the road, small combos became the thing. That kept things manageable.

And the comedy industry is no different. $20/ticket plus a two drink minimum adds up for a night at a club.

So where can the artists make their money? Ideas like sponsorships (more ads, ack) and licensing are always talked about. A new one that’s popping up a lot lately is the idea of a membership site.

A good example is Metallica’s club. Basically, for a yearly fee you live recordings, fan club merch, contests, advance tickets, maybe some private show stuff.

I like Metallica a lot. I mean really a lot. But how many live versions of Seek and Destroy do I need? Though the opportunity for hanging out with the band and such is cool, I’m not a member. But I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I’m probably too preoccupied with my own artistic career to be a megafan. I don’t think I’m the norm.

I can’t think of any music artists that I might pay to be in their club. I am a member of D23, Disney’s club though. The difference? It’s not my industry and it’s stuff I can’t do myself. And for some reason I’m more excited about meeting Dave Smith (head of the Disney Archives) than James Hetfield at this point in my life.

So here’s my question for you. Because I am considering doing a membership club of my own here at some point.
- Are there any artists you like enough to join their membership site?
- What would they have to offer you that would make it worthwhile to spend $20-$40 a year?

Leave your comments below…

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Prince says ‘The Internet is over.’

Phil — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 22:51:44 +0000

Prince, The Purple One himself, seems to have a band case of Notlisteningtohisfansitis. And as a huge Prince fan myself, it’s very frustrating.

In case you haven’t heard yet, Prince is taking even more steps than usual to keep his music off the internet.
Here’s the short version: http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/story/prince-the-internet-is-over_1151352
And the original interview: http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2010/07/05/prince-world-exclusive-interview-peter-willis-goes-inside-the-star-s-secret-world-115875-22382552/

Prince has one of the most devoted fan bases in the music industry and yet he pushes them away regularly these days. Not only is he not on iTunes or any other download sites. Geez, even the Beatles caved finally. Prince doesn’t even have an official website of his own. And he’s doing everything he can to shut down fan sites that use pictures of him.

According to one of the quotes, he seems to think that the net is like MTv and will be a fad that passes. Wrong on two accounts. MTv was a fad because it didn’t keep up either. Had it kept being on the forefront of music and made an effective transfer to doing it in the virtual realm, they would still be a valid communication channel. Second, the net is much more like a record store. And Prince is essentially trying to keep his music out of the record store.

Hmm, that sounds like bad business to me.

As much as artists get jacked on the net with trading and all, I’d rather have somebody talking about my art than nobody. And not in the way Prince is getting press now. He may not look his age (52), but he is acting like an out of touch old man.

His new CD 20Ten is coming out as a freebie in the The Mirror in the UK. Coupling a dying format with a dying medium. That’s not thinking ahead. And his reason for giving it away in the paper? From this article in the Mirror: He says: “It’s great to give away my music through your newspaper. God is a generous and loving being. It is written that we should act like God. There are enough opportunities.”

That’s nice…. really. But I’m sure he also got a big payday from the paper like last time. AND, if giving it away is what God wants, why not do it on the net where it can reach an even larger audience? Because internet companies don’t give advances, that’s why.

With all that said, I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy of his new album. I have hope upon hope that it will be better than his last few. His last 10 years just haven’t been up to snuff. And that hurts the cred too, no matter how famous you are. An album is a snapshot of where the artist is right now. And Prince has sounded like he’s been in his sheltered world a little too long. And don’t get me started on the religion thing.

Prince is an old school rock star. Set in his ways, just like anyone else at that age. The public image of a rock star is considerably different now. Still part mystery and part public, but the proportions have to be all different now. Too much mystery and people stop caring. Can he turn it around? Who knows? Maybe someone should slip a new chapter into his bible.

BUT… Then I see this article from Business Week: http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/10_28/b4186037467816.htm Could Prince be right? Not only are CD sales not growing, but now downloads are taking a hit too. As are ringtones. But did anyone really think that would be a lasting market?

Why are downloads down? Two reasons. New streaming services are making it easier to not collect music, but just save the links in a library. Even I’m a member of MOG and it’s a great service. I find lots of new stuff and love to experiment with new music on there. Especially since sites like this are starting to have phone apps, you’ll be able to listen anywhere you want soon.

But also, entertainment is a lagging indicator of a down economy. It’s one of the last things people reduce their spending on. And I’ve seen it at live shows as well. Smaller crowds, fewer merchandise sales. So people are not buying downloads as much. I’m willing to bet that actual consumption isn’t down.

What to make of it all? Who knows… The internet sure isn’t going anywhere. Though it’s a constantly changing beast as always. Live entertainment isn’t going anywhere. I don’t care how good the webcast is, it’s not the same as being there. But there’s no shortage of recordings. And in the world of supply and demand, that makes music a commodity. So there’s got to be something else there…

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Some Sound Financial Advice

Phil — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 21:12:14 +0000

It’s easy to say that the life of a performer isn’t always one of steady employment. But at this point I think it’s safe to assume that there’s no such thing as safe steady employment anymore. At least for right now.

So I read a lot about personal finance and try to maximize what I do have coming in. I’m not rich, but I am comfortable. And I’m always on the lookout for ways to create new wealth. Because as I say in a new song on my upcoming DVD, “I can’t be funny if I’ve got no money..” I don’t believe in being a “starving artist”.

Recently I read a fantastic book called “I Will Teach You To Be Rich” by Ramit Sethi. If that sounds familiar you may have read Ramit’s blog of the same name.

First take note of the title. It’s “be”, not “get”. This is not a book full of get rich quick stuff. It’s one of the most down to earth, easy to accomplish finance books I’ve seen in a long time. If you’re the type that doesn’t know your assets from a hole in the ground, this is a great way to get started. We’re not setting up budgets and things you’ll never stick to here. It’s all about having a basic plan that will take care of the “needs” and give you some extra for the “wants”. He’ll even show you how to tell the difference between the two.

Highlights:
Scripts for negotiating yourself out of bank fees
Setting up an easy retirement fund and never having to worry about asset allocation. (Just did this one myself)
How to make everything work automatically so you don’t have to spend more than an hour a month on your finances
Tips for the self-employed (hello artists!) on how to make all this work for you too

The whole thing is a very simple step-by-step program to help you learn how to save money and still get all the stuff you want. And yep, there’s even some ideas on how to make more money in your chosen profession.

Ramit calls this and 85% solution. It doesn’t get into trading in single stocks, CD laddering, Options trading, or any of that advanced stuff. This is a book that will get your started and get you comfortable. It will get you 85% of the way there. Which is better than the 0% there that many people have right now. If you want to be a finance nerd, you can learn all that other stuff later.

And I’ll tell you… It’s actually a fun read. Ramit has a great sense of humor. And it’s not often that I find myself laughing out loud while reading about personal finance.

Do yourself a favor and give it a looksee. And yes, that’s an Amazon link that pays me a little change if you buy. Multiple streams of income, my friends.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com <- Be sure to check out the free download of the week!

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The “Doctors” Of Venice Beach

Phil — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 16:05:03 +0000

Nope, it’s not a new medical drama on TV. I visited Venice Beach, CA last weekend and, within a three block stretch, walked by three “doctor’s” offices offering evaluations for a medical marijuana prescription.

Are we really to believe that Dr. Kush (yes, really) is a reputable physician from a top notch school? Or, is there a website where you can get an MD for a few bucks now? Like those ministry certificates.

And these weren’t hidden away little locations either. Big open store fronts with barkers outside. Barkers! “Come on in and get your medical marijuana evaluations! The doctor is in!” You know, maybe if the overly obvious name and the giant pot leaf over the door doesn’t bring the people in, maybe they’re not interested, hmm?

And how bad is the economy when you’re having trouble selling drugs? Really, how bad is your sales team? Drugs are generally one of those things that sell themselves. They may need a Zig Ziglar book or something. There’s crack dealers on the corner just shaking their heads at these guys.

While medical marijuana may have its genuine uses. These guys are screwing it up for everyone else. The whole “I’ve got glaucoma, wink wink” thing is out of hand. They’re like a kid that was given permission to build a go-kart and then dismantles the family station wagon for parts.

Of course, maybe the government is letting the “legalize it” movement shoot itself in the foot. Give them an inch, watch them take a mile. Eventually they’ll push it too far and some PTA group will start an uproar, forcing the government to back off on it.

See, the government could have fixed all this easily when the law took effect. “Ok, we’ll let you sell medical marijuana. But dude… be cool.”

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Medical Marijuana Cures… Everything?

Phil — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 16:59:18 +0000

Now, I understand that potheads are often delusional. But the people that made this list must have really been toking some of the good stuff. My girlfriend gets really bad migraines. Her friend sent her this page from a medical marijuana site that lists all the things that pot has been used as a treatment for.

Here’s the list: http://mmecmedicine.com/all-ailments.html

Let’s take a look at some examples…

Genital Herpes – I’m willing to bet that pot has been responsible more for the spread of genital herpes than the cure.
Heptitis – Ditto…
Cancer – You mean we’ve been having benefit shows and wearing pink ribbons all this time and all we needed was to get them stoned? Amazing.. I’m sure it’s just “the man” suppressing that news from the masses.
Obesity – Yeah, cuz pot doesn’t lead to eating. No sir.
Writers’ Cramp – Ok, writers’ block maybe…
Alcoholism - Well, way to swap one addiction for another genius.
Tobacco Dependence – Umm… Still smoking, no?
Stuttering - What’s the difference? You still won’t be able to speak in coherent sentences.
Nightmares - Well there’s everybody’s in for a prescription.
Brain Trauma – Nothing like killing a few brain cells to help out with brain trauma.
Paraplegia - It grows limbs back!?
Limbic Rage Syndrome – No idea what this is. But it sounds like a great name for a band.
Emphysema - See Tobacco Dependence above.
Constipation - Apparently a lot of fiber in that weed.
Ureter Spasm Calculus – Once again, great band name.
Vaginal Pain – Maybe there’s other things she might be thinking about to avoid that pain, hmm?
Cerebral Aneurism – “Hurry! Smoke this before you die!”
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – Oh, yeah. Weed always gives you lots of energy to go out an conquer the world.
Cough - Really? Have you ever heard a pothead cough? I have and it’s not pretty.

I wish I had a medical degree so I could understand what the rest of the afflictions on that page are. But you can feel better knowing that if you have any affliction at all, or have slept, or have a habit of breathing on a regular basis, you too can get a prescription for the miracle drug called Wacky Weed.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Bad Economy Hits The Porn Biz

Phil — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 18:01:34 +0000

I saw a sad sign of our economy the other day. A sex store going out of business.

You know life is difficult when you can’t sell enough blow up party sheep and “back massagers” to feed your kids.

Apparently when the economy is down, people forgo sex toys and porn DVDs and go back to buying cucumbers and spying on the neighbors. Doing things the old fashioned way.

Here’s where I think they went wrong. You can buy 3 DVD sets featuring a full 24 hours of porn. That’s going to mess up your repeat customers.

Nobody needs 24 hours of porn. By about hour 9 it’s got to start feeling like Groundhog Day. “Puxatawney Phil has seen his shadow and it’ll be another 13 hours of fake books and pudgy overweight men with money.”

By hour 13 you have to start thinking, “I wonder where he got that watch. That’s a nice watch.”

With porn, you shouldn’t have to use military time to differentiate when you started and when you ended.

But I guess you’re not supposed to watch the whole thing in one shot. If the guy that buys that comes back in the next day for more, he needs his hands cut off at the wrist. He’s putting the “abuse” in self abuse. And he needs medication. And a girlfriend.

Anyone who buys one of these DVD sets should have to notify their neighbors and register at MegansLaw.com

Because most guys don’t need 24 hours. Most guys are done before the opening credits are finished.

If you figure an average of 2 minutes per round, 24 hours would net you 720 rounds. That’s going to last a guy at least 6 months. Unless he’s out of work. Then maybe 14 days.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com <– Go grab your free download of the week!

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