Earlier this week I wrote about how to express your anger in a positive and healthy way. Expressing your anger this way is not very intuitive for most of us, so I thought I would create a small case study to illustrate how to do it.

Jodie sells paper in a large department store. She’s been working very hard and has the best sales record on the sales floor. When she decides to ask for a raise, however, her manager starts laughing and he dismisses her request with no further explanation.

Jodie’s very angry at his reaction. She’s about to tell her manager what she thinks of his management. She’s about to tell him that his store is crap, that the customers are dumb, and she’s about to yell at him that she doesn’t need this job anyway, because she’s the best salesperson and another store will hire her without any hesitation.

Actually, this story is mistitled. Jodie is very angry, but she remembers reading this wonderful blog post, and she manages to stop herself before having an emotional outburst.

Instead, she doesn’t say anything. She manages to gather all the self-control she has left, and she simply tells her manager that she wants to talk more to him later. Then she leaves the room.

But she’s so angry. She pictures herself pillaging the store as she walks to the employee room. She thinks about giving her two weeks’ notice right away, about leaving and never coming back. But that’s okay; she knows it’s normal to feel angry in this situation. She lets these visions come and go, and she begins to feel more clear-headed.

She then begins the process of identifying her needs. Why is she so angry? Sure, she could use the extra money the pay her bills, but she’s not angry because her manager rejected her request for a raise. She’s angry because of the WAY he rejected it.

Jodie is angry because she needs respect for the work she does. That’s a fundamental need for her. She’s been coming to work early and leaving late every day, trying to sell a maximum amount of paper to her clients, and it’s as if nobody noticed. By rejecting her request for a raise with a laugh, her manager has violated her need for respect.

As soon as she realizes that, other emotions surface and she begins identifying them. She feels sad and discouraged because she has never received any kind of recognition for her hard work and that led her to look for recognition herself by asking for a raise.

She takes the time to think about her anger and prepares to communicate her need to her manager to have her and her work respected.

The next morning, she decides to address her manager as such: “When I saw you laugh at my request for a raise (fact) it made me very angry (emotion) because I need respect for myself as a person (need). I also feel sad and discouraged (emotions) because I need recognition for my hard work and my efforts (need). Would you be willing to explain to me why I can’t have a raise right now (request)?”

Her manager then proceeds to explain that she’s his best employee and that he’s sorry for not letting it show. He explains that he had just gotten off the phone with the division manager when she asked for a raise, and that he needs to cut the store budget by 25%. He is trying to figure out a way to do this without letting anybody go. He says that his laugh was a nervous one and that he didn’t intent to hurt her. He was planning to take the time to prepare an appropriate response to her request, and he is sorry for making her angry.

If Jodie hadn’t taken the time to understand her anger, she would have exploded in front of her manager. Being under pressure himself, her manager would have retaliated. Unhappy manager and unhappy employee.

Now, Jodie might still be unhappy about not getting a raise, but she understands her manager’s motives. She realizes that it’s not a raise she needs the most, but recognition for her work. Her manager is now aware of this need and goes an extra length to make sure Jodie gets positive feedback on her work every week. Jodie and her manager lived happily ever after, until the day she moved up in the world and opened her own chain of retail stores. The end.

What would you have done if you were Jodie in this story? Do you think she reacted the best way she possibly could, or do you see something she should have done differently?

We’ve all had it, that moment when we begin to see red. We can feel our blood pressure increase and the blood in our veins turn into adrenaline. Someone has just made us very angry and we’re about to express our anger in a very destructive way.

Thankfully, we can prevent the destruction and learn to express anger in a constructive way. I’ve been reading quite a bit on non-violent communication lately and I begin to understand how it can help us live happier and more honest relationships. One thing non-violent communication can also help us with is expressing anger.

The next time you’re angry and about to explode…

1. Don’t say anything

I believe the worst thing we can do when we’re angry is to react impulsively. When we’re angry, we’re not thinking clearly and we risk saying things we will regret later.

We also increase our chance of communicating in a “violent” manner. By violent, I mean saying things that will menace the emotional integrity of the other person and hurt their core beliefs. When things get too personal, we recoil in defensive mode and prepare to strike back. This leads to an avalanche of destructive communication from both us and the other party involved.

The best way to prevent this and avoid falling into this trap is just to say nothing. Instead, take a deep breath and accept that you’re angry.

2. Accept your anger

Suppressing your anger is very bad.

When we bury our anger deep within us, we are not defusing a bomb: we are burying a mine that can blow off at any time for very little reason. We risk blowing up someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Instead, accept your anger. Accept the visions of violence that pass through your mind. Don’t provoke these visions, but if they’re there, accept them. Think about how liberating it would be to throw that computer screen out of the window or how satisfying it would feel on the moment to punch that clown in the nose. Just allowing these visions to exist within us and letting them come to life in our head actually helps us let go of some steam and clear our head a little bit.

When we’re angry, it’s a signal that our most important needs have been infringed upon. Once your head has cleared a little bit, it’s time to start identifying those needs to understand better why you’re angry.

3. Identify your needs

Just like the flashing lights and sirens on emergency vehicles, anger is a powerful emotion that warns us of an emergency. It informs us that someone or something has violated our most important needs and it’s telling us to react. In order to react in a mature and non-violent manner though, you need to stop and identify those needs.

Are you angry because someone has shown a lack of respect to you or to someone you hold dear? If respect is your uttermost important value in life, you probably need the other person to have respect for you, your friends or your family. Your anger is telling you that your need for respect has not been, well, respected.

Take the time to identify which of your needs has been violated. You are preparing yourself to communicate your needs to the other person.

4. Identify your emotions

As we figure out which of our needs has not been respected, news emotions surface within us. These new emotions are the results of other needs that we have that are not satisfied.

Take note of these new emotions and needs, as they will also help you understand the source of our anger. They will help you communicate your anger to the person who made you angry in the first place.

5. Communicate

When we feel ready, we can communicate our emotions and our needs to the other person. This whole non-violent communication process will be the subject of a future article, but here’s a quick breakdown of how to express anger in a non-violent manner.

1. Observe the behavior

Start by explaining to the other person the behavior that made you angry. Describe what he or she did in an objective manner. Leave your emotions aside for now and make sure you’re not using words that will attack that person.

“When I see you walk with your dirty boots on the floor I have just cleaned …”

2. Express your emotions

Express the feelings that have surfaced when you observed this behavior. Don’t be afraid to tell them that you are angry. This will make them understand that what they did had a negative impact on you.

“… I am very angry because …”

3. Express your needs

Explain the needs that you have as an individual. This will make the other person understand why they made you angry in the first place and will prepare them to hear your request.

“… I need respect for the time I put into cleaning the house today. …”

4. Make a request

Make a request to the other person. What do you think he or she can do to help you fulfil your needs? Show that you are open by asking them what they think about what you just said.

“… Would you be willing to leave your boots on the doormat next time?”

This whole process of expressing anger doesn’t happen in a split second. It’s perfectly fine to just say, “I need some time to think about what you just said. I’ll get back to you later.” The important thing is that you do not say anything aggravating impulsively and that you take the time to communicate your needs to the other person in a clear and civilized manner.

If you can’t stop yourself and you do explode in front of the other person, don’t worry about it. Take some time to reflect on your needs and emotions and prepare your response. When you feel ready, take a moment to apologize about your outburst and explain why he or she made you angry.

Learning a new skill is a very fulfilling and growing experience. As you develop a new interest, you go through a wide range of positive emotions. It is a very constructive journey, and I want to share with you the five positive emotions I went through as I picked a new skill: playing the electric guitar. I hope it motivates you to try such a journey for yourself!

It all started in a small downtown apartment on a dark night of October. It was well past midnight and a few friends and I were playing cards and having drinks, celebrating a milestone we had just met at work. Being in a small apartment, in an area where there are a few colleges around, there were a lot of students in the neighborhood and it was quite loud that night. You could hear the mumble of loud televisions through the walls, the muffled voices of two people arguing from above, and at one point, I heard something so thunderous and earth shattering that I thought a car had just crashed in the building. That’s when my friend who rents the apartment decided to fight back.

He pulled a hard suitcase from under his sofa, along with a strange black box that he instantly plugged in an electric outlet. From the suitcase, he raised something that would become the object of my desire: his white Ibanez electric guitar.

It turns out that there are many guitarists in my circle of friends and I didn’t even know about it. I stood mesmerized as I watched and listened to the aggressive screeching music and melodic solos they were pulling out of the blue.

I didn’t learn to play the guitar that night. I didn’t even want to hold it in my hands. But sure enough, I had made up my mind: the next morning, I would go to the music store and get my very own electric guitar. And first thing in the morning, I sure did.

Unknowingly, I had already embarked on a journey filled with emotions, and the first one I experienced was…

Curiosity

Watching my friends play the guitar like that piqued my curiosity. In fact, as I think about it now, this curiosity opened a whole new world to me.

Before you invest your time and money in a new skill or hobby, you feel curious about it. You start to build your interest in it and you begin to explore many possibilities. You start thinking in “what-ifs” – what if I try it? What if it’s fun? What if I’m good at it? What if I like it?

Then you make the jump: you decide to try it.

Eagerness

I couldn’t wait to hold my very own guitar in my hands. I didn’t sleep much the night before because as soon as I made the decision to buy a guitar, I was too excited and I couldn’t relax.

Once you decide to learn a new skill, you make arrangements such as buying your equipment or scheduling lessons. This process can be very exciting because you know you’re about to experience something new.

Depending on the nature of the hobby you want to learn, these arrangements can also take a lot of time and will require of you to be patient… and you’re going to need a lot of patience, I can tell you that.

Patience

Playing the guitar is not easy. I knew that when I held one for the first time. In fact, I didn’t even know how to hold it. I even started to become frustrated when I couldn’t figure out how to put some distortion on the amp. I had to remind myself that this skill would take a lot of work and quite a bit of time to learn correctly.

When you try something you have never tried before, you need to be patient. You can’t expect to be good at it the first time you do it. You need to keep practicing again and again, until…

Surprise

I was actually quite surprised the first time I hit the right strings and something that had a vague resemblance to music came out of the speakers. As I practiced and practiced, I found that I learned faster and faster. I didn’t know anything about music before that and I’ve been surprising myself at how fast I could learn it.

You don’t know how good you are at something until you try it. When you decide to learn a new skill, you surprise yourself at how fast you can make progress when you put your mind to it.

Pride

After a lot of practice, I finally managed to learn a few chords of my favourite songs. It’s not much, but hey – it sounds like music! I have finally reached the point where I’m actually playing the guitar! When I look back at where I started and where I am now, I feel so proud of what I learned to do all by myself.

Learning a new skill makes you proud of what you achieve. Here’s something you have never done before and you didn’t even think you could do – and hey, you’re doing it! And doing it quite well!

So am I good at playing the guitar now? No, not at all. I don’t know how to play any song fully, I struggle with the basics and I still don’t sound very good. Do I encourage you to try a new hobby? Yes, absolutely! In fact, I urge you to try something new right now! Do you have a hobby you’d like to try? A new skill you want to learn? If so, what are you waiting for! If anything, the emotional journey is more than worth it.

My first 30-days challenge, becoming an early riser, successfully ended yesterday. This month, I’m hoping to develop a positive mindset by keeping a positivity journal. This challenge is part of my resolution to perform twelve 30-days challenges this year.

I have what I would call in pseudo-scientific terms “a realistic mind with negative tendencies”. I enjoy my realistic mindset a lot because I am as objective as possible when I face different situations. The negative tendencies, however, I could live without.

Negative thoughts bring nothing constructive into your life. They only bring you down, make you feel sad and depressed. You want to avoid them to keep a healthy mind. Positive thoughts, on the other hand, bring you well-being and make you happy. You want a positive mindset on your quest for success.

Overly positive individuals turn off some people. I know, I was one of those people. I used to think being positive was futile. I used to think that trying to perceive reality for something it was not was useless. This realistic approach works well in theory, but in practice, it does not. It’s absolutely impossible to have a 100% objective mind. We’re humans after all, not robots. Why not try to change the negative tendencies into positive ones instead?

By keeping a positivity journal every day for 30 days, I hope to develop a more positive mindset. There’s more to it, so here’s how I’m going to do it!

What’s a positivity journal?

A positivity journal is simply a journal I will use to write everything positive that happened to me during the day. I will also perform a post-mortem of the day, where I will reflect objectively on the events that happened and my reactions towards these events. The goal is to try to find ways to react to negative stimuli that would make me happier.

I will probably come up with a simple worksheet to help me write this positivity journal during the challenge and I’ll share it with you once I find a format that works well for me.

Keeping the positivity journal is not the challenge itself

The real challenge is trying to bend my thinking towards positivity. Keeping the positivity journal is only the mean I’ve found to turn it into a measurable goal. Here’s how I hope to achieve a more positive mindset:

1. Learn to identify negative thoughts

For many, negative thinking is a habit inked into our brains and we don’t even notice we’re doing it. The first step will be to identify these thoughts so that I can start improving them. I don’t expect to be able to do this on the spot at first, but it should come with practice.

2. Turn the negative thoughts into positive ones

Once I identify a negative thought, I will try to see its positive side. For example, say I have thoughts about losing my job. I could see losing my job as a very negative, world-shattering event, but there’s another side to it. It could be a great opportunity to sell my house, sell my car and live my secret dream of backpacking around the world for one year. That’s the positive side.  The thought of losing my job does not seem so bad when I see it as a new opportunity.

3. Stay away from people and things that have a negative influence over me

I will try to stay away from the people who sap my positive energy and I will spend more time with positive and optimistic people. In the past, I’ve found that this helped me remain positive during hard times.

What are the rules?

It’s pretty simple: write in my positivity journal every day for 30 days. That’s all there is to it. I will tolerate no exception!

The positivity journal is a journal I must feel good, proud and motivated about when I return to read it. I will not allow myself to write any negative thoughts in it. Instead, I will write down their positive counterparts. Here’s an example:

Negative mindset: “Today there was a huge snowstorm and I have to go outside and waste 2 hours shoveling my driveway. I’m so sick and tired of all this snow.”

Positive mindset: “Today there was a huge snowstorm and it’s a pretty good occasion for me to go outside and do a 2 hours workout shoveling my driveway. It will be pretty enjoyable to listen to my iPod at the same time.”

Keeping the positivity journal should be straightforward enough, right?

How did it go?

Well, I’m just getting started on the positivity journal! I’ll make sure to post updates here as the challenge progresses if anything interesting happens. I’ll add this post to the sidebar so you can refer to it anytime.

What do you think? Do you see another way I could develop a positive mindset? Do you think I will benefit from this positivity journal?

Worrying is a very bad habit. It brings nothing positive into your life, it does not solve problems and it does not get anything done. Frankly, worrying is stupid. Yet we do it anyway, and I’m the first one to admit it. Whenever I’m on a tight deadline, face financial issues or have relationship problems, I worry.

I worry about the past. I worry that my actions were not perfect. I worry that I may have done something wrong. I worry about the future. I worry about the challenges to come. I worry about unlikely what-ifs.

I worry.

I have learned however that you could control worries. It takes a lot of hard and continuous work, but you can tame the lions of worries and make them purr.

Here’s how you can remove a big chunk of your worries right now.

Don’t worry about the past

Don’t worry about the past! The past has already happened. You can’t change it. You have no control over it. So why worry about the past? It is useless to worry about it since you have no power over it!

Don’t worry about the future

Don’t worry about the future! The future has yet to happen. You can’t predict it. Stop wasting energy worrying about the future! It is useless because you have no way to know what will happen!

Live in the present!

The present is where you must focus your energy. The present becomes the past, so by controlling the present, you get power over the past. The present also has a direct influence over the future: by controlling the present, you are shaping the future.

Use the past to get insights about what you should be doing right now. Get ready for the future by preparing for possible outcomes. Decide what you need to do to solve your problems and act on your decisions right now, in the present. The only thing you have power over is your own actions!

If you do everything in your power to fix what is worrying you, your worry will disappear. Either you will succeed in overcoming your problems, or you will fail. If you succeed, you will have nothing left to worry about. If you fail, you will know from the bottom of your guts that you have done everything in your power to succeed and your worries will disappear anyway. You don’t believe me? Just try it. Give it your all.

Stop thinking about what happened and what is to come. Live in the present, and take action!