1. Darth Vader action figure – The action figure represents pure evil in an iconic science fiction storyline.  He was believed to be the chosen one to bring balance to the Universe.  He rose up through the ranks of the Jedi Order, in the Star Wars saga, eventually turning against them in anger and selfishness.  After a life of villainy and destruction battling the Rebel Alliance, he was saved by his own son whom he did not know existed until his Sith master allowed him to find out.  He eventually fulfilled the prophecy and brought balance to the Force turning on his own master out of love for his recently discovered son.

The presence of this item on my shelf not only displays a love for the Star Wars Universe, but also an identity of person within myself.  Being denied aspects of my own interests and personality throughout my last marriage, I had drawn a connection to the character of Darth Vader. I identified with his drive to find himself in his love interest, Padme, and, after her death, his desire to achieve ultimate power over those he felt had tried to oppress him; the Jedi Council in their denial of him the title of Jedi Master.  

Darth Vader eventually realized that the good in him had not been completely demolished.  He realized that all he had to do was to decide to allow that good to take over, and to decide to change his course of actions.  I too have realized that I am not the person that my ex-wife had made me out to be.  I am and always have been a good man, a good husband, and a good father.  Since she is no longer controlling me and who I am, I have reclaimed all that is me, and having been reacquainted with that guy, I think I like him.  

2. Pewter Beer Mug – This pewter award represents the completion of the beer challenge at a place in St. Louis called Growlers Pub.  Growlers is a pub of eccentricities uniquely educating pub-goers on the many different aspects of beer and its many brewing results.  This sits on my self in honor of my first experience with St. Louis local culture.   My new life here is to be punctuated with the pride of claiming that I had, in fact, tasted all one hundred thirty-three beers.  The premise of that number of beers as was told to me is “thirty-three beers on tap and one hundred bottles of beer on the wall.”  

Having found new life in becoming comfortable with the person I had recently discovered within myself, I am embarking on a live action redo.  Holding that pewter beer mug in my hands after months of drinking beer, even beer I did not enjoy at all, meant that I had accomplished something that I wanted to do, not something that someone wanted me to do.  This mug is the beginning of accomplishments that I desire and that I enjoy and that I will push forward toward.  This mug is the beginning of a life lived my way.  

Hot Wheels Collectible – This Hot Wheels Special Edition Box–Set Collectible specifically contains four vehicles from the Ed “Big Daddy” Roth designs from the 1970’s and 1980’s.  The designs of Ed Roth showed up on t-shirts and comics.  They are iconic of the eras in which they showed up.  This mint-in-box set on my shelf is a remnant of me during my marriage trying desperately to hold onto something that represented who I am and where I came from. Hot Wheels collecting is a very inexpensive way to hold on to a memorable childhood and show my own children what made the biggest impact on me as a child.  

3. Firefly and Serenity. Several shelves. Ok. So this is a point at which I seem to have obsessed. But there is clear reason, even many reasons.  Before I begin I need to say, if you have never taken the time to binge the 13 episodes of Firefly, followed by the movie Serenity, you are missing out. However if you haven’t I’ll assume that you are now planning to and not reveal any spoilers.  The writing is phenomenal as is the character development and the relationship development. The environment as well as the technology is believable. But these are not the reasons I have obsessed over Firefly as I have. There is a spirit of family that develops among this raggedy group of misfits. Individuals who have experienced rejection, betrayal, heart-break, and great loss.

Relationships are strained and then strengthened. Each of the main characters have come to represent a part of who I am, who I have become, or who I want to be. Personal barriers are broken down. All of this among the midsts of bad-ass westerny sci-fi.

These items on my shelf all represent pieces of me.  These pieces may be from the past, or even closer to the present, but all describe me at this point on my life journey.  They all in their own way encompass small parts of my identity even today.  Between the items; the Darth Vader figure, the Ed Roth Hot Wheels collectible, the pewter beer mug, and the entirety of the Firefly shelves; they show that I have a darker side, and a serious side.  They show I have a sentimental side, and the romantic side, but also demonstrate the existence of the fun-lover inside of me.  I am still becoming who I was meant to be but along the way I have picked up these items representing chunks of my personality, parts of me that some will see and some will not.  However these representations are not for them, they are for me, to enjoy and to reminisce of the path that I have taken to get to this place and to this person, who is me. 

Re-assessing our lives and the trajectory of our progress is vital to living a life fully realized.  We are NOT what we eat.  We are the decisions that we have made along the way.  The decision you make today, no matter how small, will define who you become tomorrow.  Are you who you want to be?

Now I am in no place to judge anyone.  Not a soul.  No one.  I have made mistakes and wrong decisions.  And while those mistakes and decisions have led to many consequences that caused me to totally regret those actions, I have come to know myself in ways that have caused me disgust.  So….after a time (a long time) of reflection and depression, I decided who I want to be.

I want to be LOVE.

Not LOVED, but LOVE.  Yes, we all want to be loved.  We all deserve to be loved.  But I want to be LOVE.

I have repeatedly been in a position where I felt that I did not belong.  I’m not talking about being at a party with people who are acquaintances and with whom I have nothing in common.  I’m talking about being around people regularly with whom I am supposed to be doing life and knowing that something is systemically wrong with my presence.   It is horrible.  I never want anyone else to feel that.

I needed a change in perspective.  Part of my feelings stemmed from a selfish center of disconnect in wanting to gain something by being around these people.  Other parts of my feelings came from low self-esteem fed by envy, jealousy, and a want to be like these people.

A massive paradigm shift in my perspective has now allowed me to view strangers and acquaintances, and even those I am close to, in a way that puts me in the position of feeling, seeing, and understanding their possible experiences and perspectives.  It is called empathy.  I will never truly and fully understand perspectives others have of their situations, decisions, and consequences; but I do know that emotions are universal even if triggers are not.  The ability to healthily express those emotions is also not universal.

The results of this paradigm shift in perspective has inspired in me a desire to express genuine love to others.  I don’t care where you are emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.  I don’t care who you are physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.  We all deserve love.  I have decided that I will not allow my past decisions to define me or define how I treat others.  So…the decision to love others is now defining who I am.  But how did I get here?

I had to push through a time of emotional healing.  That for me meant a time of complete honesty to myself about where I was and what I had endured.  I had to admit what I was trying to be before I could discover what I truly was and I wanted to become.   I also had to take time to listen to the ever-so-small voice way down deep inside of me who knew what I truly wanted.  The voice was soft and distant at first.  I had to remove much inside that was clouding and blocking that voice.

Now mind you, many come to this perspective change in a moment of clarity or realization that often forces them to face facts about themselves; a type of “ah-ha” moment or near-death type of experience.  I didn’t have that single moment.  Something tragic happened to me and I went into shock and shut-down.  It took years of mental and emotional processing to acknowledge and accept that my life was changing, had changed, and that I had best get on board or I was going down with the ship.  In fact I am still working toward who I want to be.  Only now I have a much better idea of who that person is…LOVE.

Click the picture Read the artilce

I would like to now take a moment and clarify something.  The love I talk about being, or becoming, is not a sexual/romantic love, nor is it an existential, swirly, universe-uniting type of new age love.  I am talking about a down to earth, individual, from the heart, authentic love.  It is a love of acceptance.  It is a love of encouragement. It is a love of true belief in an individual. It is the love you feel in your safe place.  It is a love of refuge.  It is a love of understanding.  It is a love free of all, ALL, judgement.  It is a love of forgiveness.  It is an honest desire for the success of others in life, whatever success may mean to the individual.

So I try, and often fail, to create around me wherever I may roam, a space of warmth, safety, welcome, and love, around me at all times.  I have begun to smile at strangers more often regardless of how I feel about my day.  Small gestures like allowing others to go first, or holding doors for them.  Just remember…you never know the impact that the smallest gesture may have on someone’s life.

Be inspired to truly love others the way you wish to be loved.

Only you can find you.  Only you can be you.  Only you can move you.  

Eric Thomas once said, “You cannot afford to live in potential for the rest of your life. At some point, you’ll have to unleash your potential and make your move”.  

Fill in the spaces with love.  Fill in the spaces of others’ lives with love, and you will see the spaces in your life begin to overflow.  It is not about controlling “karma”, it is about changing your perspective.  Stop focusing so much on self and begin focusing on others.  You will be shocked and amazed as you watch love blossom inside of yourself and others; watch it spread throughout your community.

Well…you must ask yourself “What do I want?”.  Answering that question may prove to be more difficult than you first perceive.

To answer the question “What do I want?” in a way that is personal and meaningful to you, honesty is imperative.  You must be completely and brutally honest with yourself.  Often that brutal and honest answer may reveal some not so pretty insight about who you are at your core.  (Unfortunately if this insight proves to actually be not so pretty, then you may not actually realize it due to its ugliness blinding you and clouding your judgement.)  That being said you may end up surprising yourself when you find out what you thought you wanted is a surface desire and what you truly want at your core is something you had not fully expected or thought was so important to you.

And thus begins the journey of self.  One that leads to deeper self-awareness. A journey that often is hidden to the outside world and to those around you who know and love you in your daily life.  This is a journey that begins and ends with you at your core most naked; all things stripped away; total and brutal honesty with yourself; who you truly have become at this point in your life.  You must attribute all that has been done/happened to you, and all that you have done to others/yourself.  Acknowledgment and acceptance is vital. You must first acknowledge how you reached this pivotal point in your emotional and cognitive development, and you must accept who you meet within and how you feel about that person.

Often we come to this pivotal point by force due to some tragic event in our lives.  Sometimes it is brought on by the demise of a close personal relationship or even a near-death experience.  However you reach this moment, there are things that must happen in order to break though.  Sometimes these things happen as a result of the force, sometimes these things can be purposeful due to feelings of despair.

1. Check Your Motivation

What drives you?  Often there are emotions or desires that take you from one place to another; from one relationship to another; from one job to another; from one frame of mind to another.  That which drives you may even seem different from one situation to another.  Be completely honest with yourself.  You may find that on a deeper level your motivation has actually been the same in each situation or relationship.  I mean you can only be who you are, right?  What is your default mode of operation?  Are you driven by an over inflated sense of self? (This is not self-awareness but closer to narcissism.) Or are you driven by an honest desire to promote the well being of others? (This is a form of philanthropy but without the money aspect.)  Your motivation should be well defined to you.  If you are unsure, keep digging.  Ask yourself the hard questions. (What was my role in the demise of “blank” relationship? Why did I truly pursue “blank” desires? ETC.) Analyzing feelings and behaviors of the past is key here in finding your foundational M.O. or mode of operation (your characteristic method for how you approach situations and relationships).

2. Acknowledge your impact on the world around you

Think about all the people that you come into contact with daily.  How do you impact their lives?  Do you have a positive or negative impact on them?  Is your impact on them minor or major?  Direct or indirect?  Is your impact on someone based on your impact on someone else? In other words, does your influence on one person affect how they impact someone else, even someone that you do not know personally?  Where in your life do you have the most influence on people and is that influence positive or negative?  What is your primary role in that position?  What are the expectations of that role and are you living up to them?

While determining your impact, this is a time to also judge the distance between yourself and others.  Again honesty is imperative here.  Consider these relationships in your life, and compare the emotional distance between yourself and each person individually.  What is your perception of the closeness of the relationship?  Now, based on your words and behavior, what is the perception of the other person of the closeness of the relationship.   Now ask yourself “How important is it to you that this person view you as a close relationship?”.  And so this leads me to the next aspect of the journey.

3. Change your perspective

I always think about video games when I talk about changing perspective of myself.  There is a type of game called first person shooter.  Call Of Duty or Halo comes to mind where you as the player are looking though the eyes of your character.  The screen displays a first person view of the playing field and you see your hands or weapon only.  Then there are most fantasy role playing games where you see your character from a third person point of view.  You see your entire character in full form as you manipulate his or her movements and direction and can see in almost every direction around your character.  These are great examples of how you must learn to view yourself.  Often we view our world from first person point of view and the world revolves around us.  Stepping out of that view is imperative in order to view and acknowledge our impact.  Seeing yourself from a third person point of view allows you to monitor or discover our behavior in a way that we judge or experience the behavior of others.  Third person point of view opens up new ways to judge our own behavior as positive or negative.  How would you feel about someone behaving in the same manner that you are now witnessing yourself behaving?  (This is the first step in developing empathy for others. Empathy is a by-product of self-awareness.)

Changing your perspective offers the ability to triangulate your position in the world around you.  Figuratively speaking, of course.  Learning and acknowledging that the world does not revolve around you helps to humble oneself to the betterment of the world around you.  You are not the beginning or the end of even your small world of influence.

Now, consider the following.

This journey is not about figuring out what others think about you.  This journey is not about figuring out how you can make others like you.  This journey is about being the best you that you can be.  It is about learning to live honestly and being true to who you are at your core.  It is also about coming to understand others through finding yourself.  It is about deepening and strengthening the relationships that are most important to you.  Aren’t we all really just looking for deeper more meaningful connections?   Connecting to ourselves on a deeper more meaningful level allows us to better connect to others.  Checking our motivation helps us to learn what is really most important to us.  Acknowledging our impact helps us to truly find out what kind of person we really are inside.  It also helps us to gage our own behavior in relation to others.  Changing our perspective helps us to see the world through other’s eyes as well as our own.  It also gives us insight on how we relate to the world without our motivation clouding that insight.  These three imperatives are not the only thing that needs to happen on our journey to self-awareness.  And theses things are not a one time shot.  These must happen regularly throughout our our journey of growth and discovery of ourselves and the world in which we live.

I have struggled recently  with the thought that while I believed myself not to be, and strived to not be, that I am a racist.  I worried that my default actions when dealing with a person of color in a service or professional environment was to over-compensate in order to prove to myself and to them that I am not a racist.

I made sure that I was extra attentive to the things that they would say to me, especially if they were expressing negative concerns or issues.  I worked harder to accommodate their requests to ensure a pleasant experience when visiting our establishment.  I tried to show them preferential treatment when even causing some in my own likeness to have to wait.  I even tried to connect to them on some personal level through conversation.

When not in a professional environment I began to do the same thing.  I made a point to acknowledge, through eye contact and a smile and/or nod, the crossing of our paths.  I was more likely to speak to someone in an elevator if he or she were of a different race than me, or if it were obvious that he or she were from a different country, or if he or she had a different skin color than me.

I strived harder to be genuine to people who were obviously completely different from me.   And I remember the day that I realized that I was doing this and I was taken aback by my actions.  The thing that I had denied for so long had finally broken through to me.

“Oh My God! I’m a racist!!”

Then a flood of rationalization bombarded my mind.  “I have black friends, I have Asian friends, I have Indian friends.  I can’t be racist!” But just by having those thoughts I have singled these “friends” out and created separation.  Holy Crap!! What am I to do?

How about a change in perspective.

So I began to really self analyze, to follow the path of intention from my head/heart to my outward behavior, and this is what I discovered…

I am white.  I cannot change that.  No one can change that.  I will never know the perspective of another human being because I will only experience life through my own eyes.  And…I am white.  I will never know the perils of being black in America’s white privilege society.  I will never know the pressure of America’s academic expectation on Chinese or Japanese or Vietnamese students.  I will never know the feeling of hearing the condescension in a phone voice when they find out because of my accent that I am of Asian Indian descent.  I will never know the feeling of rejection and condemnation of the LGBTQ community when just trying to go about their normal lives and being told that they cannot. (And these are just a few examples that I can come up with off the top of my head.  I’m sure that I am leaving someone out.  I sincerely apologize.). But I can acknowledge these situations and strive to create a better world for anyone with whom I cross paths.

Now.  My passion is people.  I have experienced plenty of pain in my personal life.  Pain in many different forms.  I don’t try to compare my pain to the pain of others.  I have come to understand that even if the source of emotional pain, and maybe even physical pain, may be the same, that we all process the pain in different ways mentally and emotionally.  So my life’s wish is that if I could ease the pain of others in some minuscule  way, or even in some massive way, even temporarily, enough to show them that they are important, that they are special, that they are loved, then perhaps maybe they will be able to endure, overcome, achieve, and continue to grow on to whomever they were created to become.

While I cannot change society, I can affect those around me no matter who they are.  I can connect to those around me no matter who they are.  I can create a moment or a space around me where those who have felt separation or rejection from anyone can find rest and love and acceptance for who they are inside and out (This translates to those of LGBTQ communities as well).  I want to acknowledge that the world has oppressed people long enough.  Oppressed many people in many ways.  Even I have felt oppression in different ways.

Perhaps if I can show love to the people that I encounter, no matter their race, color, creed, beliefs, sexual orientation, or painful experiences, then maybe that love will be paid forward in some small way.  Acknowledging our own pain, and growing from it in a way that is not cynical or cold, and acknowledging that others also feel pain, we can transform the immediate world around us and truly begin to become united.  Everyone we encounter is dealing with things in their life that is painful in some way.  We must recognize this in order to maintain a sense of who we are, and why we are who we are, in order to better connect with others in the midst of their own pain and tragedy.  None of us are better than another.  How can anyone decide that their pain and experiences outweigh another’s.  I’m not saying that some situations are not worse than others, or more tragic, but we all process our pain and experiences differently, mentally and emotionally and are affected differently.  We are not in a woe-is-me-competition.  There are travesties worldwide and we all deserve to feel loved no matter our situation in life.

Those of us who have survived pain and tragedy have an opportunity to provide support or direction or love and acceptance to those struggling with their own pain and tragedy.  Changing our perspective is how we walk in another’s shoes.  It is not called sympathy. It is called empathy.  And it binds us together.

Beloved by millions long before its introduction of the movie screen, Lord of the Rings stands iconic to the genre of medieval fantasy. Having now been brought to the big screen, it shows one overbearing, powerfully feared creature, Sauron, plotting to rule the world of Middle Earth, only to be defeated by a small “fellowship” of unlikely allies, invoking hope in the viewer, as well as removing the sense of insignificance of the “little people”.   During their quest to defeat Sauron, the dark king of Mordor, Frodo, the smallest creature of the fellowship, must overcome his own lack of self-confidence, due to his size. Likewise, Aragorn, must deal with the past of his people in order to overcome his lack of self-confidence in order to take his rightful place of king in the world of the men of Middle Earth. Throughout the storyline, the viewer witnesses relationships grow between the most unlikely of characters. Events in Middle Earth history has deemed elves and dwarves mortal enemies, however, the strongest of bonds are formed between Legolas, a woodland elf, and Gimli, son of Gloin, a prominent figure in dwarfen lineage.

Since its introduction to popular culture in the 1970’s, the world of Star Wars has delighted generation after generation. The process of defeating a looming evil, greater than its main character, gives the viewer a since of belonging and importance. This evil derives itself from one being’s drive to conquer and rule the universe. Training Anakin Skywalker in the ways of The Force, Emperor Palpatine has aspirations of ruling the galaxy while a small rebel alliance conspires to defeat this overpowering dark evil. Meanwhile, the movie focuses on a handful of main characters that must overcome personal issues in order to succeed in their contributions to defeating the looming evil. Luke Skywalker must confront his lack of self-confidence to take his role as the hero, while also accepting the role his own father has taken to bring upon the galaxy the evil that threatens everyone. To aid in overcoming the inner struggles of the hero, other characters are introduced through which lasting relationships are formed. Luke befriends two unlikely heroes, Han Solo and Chewbacca; smugglers by trade, scoundrels by reputation. In the end, the bond formed by their developing friendships leads Han and Chewie to make a decision contrary to their reputation: They return in a nick of time to turn the tide and help defeat the looming evil.

So, while Lord of the Rings has risen to take it’s place next to Star Wars in “geekdom” culture, due to it’s theatrical release, they are not as different and as they may appear from the outside. Both will live on as the example to follow in the writing of science fiction and medieval fantasy. Some will continue to argue one over the other; both prove to provide the reader or viewer with the same encouragement and enthusiasm to live their lives in hope and passion, maintaining relationships with those that are closest. For, it is through unlikely character relationships and heroes overcoming inner struggles, that both worlds show the viewer or reader the same formula for defeating any powerful, looming evil.

a gentleman reads aloud

with blue denim emotion

and beaded intellect,

while others listen wholeheartedly

contemplating every word.

A racing mind paces,

and occasionally pauses at an ashtray

shaking his head in agreement,

while between lines,

someone darts out to

“change his beer”.

And as old and new faces

crowd the entrance to witness

the kiss of the poet,

stories are told

of growing up

and growing old;

of fear,

and love,

and death;

there are words on mothers,

and fathers;

and friends who got lost in-between;

and even about Popsicles, and vacations,

and Happy Meals.

Yes, for many it is a place of warmth and serenity;

a place to share and to learn.

For some it is home,

and for some

it is just something to do

on Sunday at four.

Whole Food Market.  A place that markets itself to today’s health conscience rich white yuppies and to the “earthy” green collage aged.  This was the location of 2nd Friday, a featured poet poetry read sponsored by St. Louis Poetry Center.  In the cafe at Whole Foods the sounds of the grocery store float in above the voice of a male librarian in his 50’s; plaid down shirt tucked into cuffed khakis.  He recites from the papers on the podium words about images in photos on a table.  This is his poetry.  Sterile words with no emotion pass through the small crowd of parents and grandparents of suburban America.  Quizzical smiles shine back at the poet.

These words tell of the things the poet sees.  That is all.  They don’t show.  They don’t evoke.  There is no metaphoric value to the words that were spoken there.  And those who were there received those words with golf claps that satisfied the reader.  The floral sundresses and sport coat plaids reveled in the dry worded images of a coffee cup or laundry on a wire.  They gathering then dispersed after a few songs played acoustically by a recent high school grad as some left immediately and others grabbed carts and baskets in which to collect this next week’s cookings.

Legacy Books & Cafe.  Urban new and use bookstore.  Rich with history.  Black history.  Rich with culture.  Black culture.  Rich with social conscience and relevance.  In a secluded room away from the bookstore, faces of excitement gather at tables arranged facing a stage where two men play; one on keyboards, one on drums.  Jazz Funk Fusion melds the air into atmosphere.

The music fades into the background as a pale shorthaired woman takes the stage with her clipboard to welcome all who have dared enter to read at open mike.  She moves quickly to introduce each poet to the stage.

A muscular black man sporting jeans, t-shirt and ball cap takes to the mike.  He motions for the music to quiet.  Silence.  His hands rise stretched out to the room.  Words burst forth from his lips with passion.  The mouths of onlookers open in whoops and hollers as if to proclaim “amen”.  As the man spews social conscience poetically over the audience, raw passion explodes in every color of the spectrum. Spoken word performances continue throughout the evening.  Words from East St. Louis are spoken and preformed passionately under spotlight addressing gangsta lifestyle with its sagging pants and guns as an answer to conflict.

After introduction from the pale woman’s clipboard, another man approaches the mike overcoming a mild speech ailment with passion to convey the need for God and morality in the Christian church.  Halfway through his spoken performance he gets lost in his shortcoming and is embraced by the on looking crowd to continue his raw speech wearing his heart on his sleeve.

There were more words from other speakers who opened their hearts and portfolios to tell of love and loss, domestic violence and freedom.  Hearts and emotions were exposed without second thought.  The passion and performance here at Legacy rose in significance above the sterile picture words at Whole Foods Cafe.

Poetry by definition is subjective and different styles speak differently to different folks.  Inspiration can come to the wordsmith from anything anywhere at anytime traversing class, socio-economics and preference of genre and topic.

I started waiting tables when I went back to college. That in and of itself cut my income but it worked for some reason. But it’s time to utilize this degree that I will be paying on for the remainder of my life.  So now this temporary job, I feel, is limiting me and the jobs that I can reach for. No one wants to interview me because the last three to five years was spent waiting tables. Hey people, the skills I achieved prior to waiting tables still exist.  In fact those skills have been enhanced due to my exposure to academia. 

It’s hard to accept that I am now being judged by a piece of paper.  If it even gets printed after submission.  Sometimes that is even just a digital version on a screen.  I know given that one chance I will surprise you.  With just a little training I can learn all the in’s and out’s of the positions for your company. Hell I may even improve upon how it is currently being executed. 

I am meticulous. Organized. And I work great with people internal and external. I can sell your product, coach your customers, teach and train your employees, enhance your work environment, and maintain and deepen any working relationships relevant to your company and to the position. 

You are missing out by my abscence in your company. Give me that one chance to prove it and you won’t want to let me go.  All I need is a foot in the door and you will swing it wide and invite me in to stay. 

Now I am not conceited. I am not puffed up or haughty. I am confident in my abilities because I have proven myself through hard work, diligence and consistency. I am far from wet behind the ears. I am mature and have honed my soul in the workplace, in blue collar and white collar environments. I can blend while standing out. I can make the difference in your bottom line. 

All I need is one chance to make a difference in your company.