Funniest Blog of all time

Another Donald Trump joke

2016-05-30T16:55:00.001-07:00

A Mexican, a Muslim, and Donald Trump Are Walking Down a Beach…

An illegal Mexican immigrant, a radical Muslim, and Donald Trump were walking together on a beach in Florida when the Mexican stumbled over a bottle in the sand.

He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a genie appeared.

“I can only grant three wishes,” the genie said.

“Since there are three of you, you may have a wish each.”

Pointing at the Mexican, he said, “Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish.”
The Mexican said, “This country is racist against my people! I wish to take everyone of Mexican descent back to our homeland where we can finally be happy and live in peace!”

The genie clapped his hand and the illegal Mexican immigrant was transported to Mexico will millions of “his” people.
Turning to the radical Muslim, the genie asked, “And what is your wish?”

The radical Muslim said, “This country is bigoted against those who practice Islam! I wish to take all of my people away from this horrible place loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah.”

This genie clapped his hands and the radical Muslim, along with every other Muslim in the country, was instantly transported to the Middle East.

Turning to Donald Trump, the genie asked, “And what is your wish?”

Trump looked around at the empty beach, smiled, and said,

“Just give me a Pepsi. It doesn’t get any better than this!”

Dear Abby

2015-12-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

My husband hasn`t worked for the last 14 years . All he does is get dressed
in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies . I know he`s
cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand daughters .

I know because he brags about this to me . He smokes fancy cigars and
drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night .

We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off !

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him , Abby ?
Your advice would be appreciated .....

Mad as Hell

Dear Mad as Hell,

You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man . I suggest you
pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p!

Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady !

Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States , so try
acting like one !

Abby

WHY TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

2015-10-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

Subject: Fw: Fwd: Ten reasons to vote Democrat by Letterman
>
>
>
>
> THESE ARE GREAT AND RIGHT ON
> TARGET!
>
>
> Ten reasons to vote Democrat by
> Letterman
>
>
> #10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now
> marry
> whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German
> Shepherd.
>
>
> #9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of
> 4% on a gallon
> of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon
> at 15% isn't.
>
>
> #8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a
> better
> job of spending the money I earn than I
> would.
>
>
> #7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long
> as
> nobody is offended by it.
>
>
> #6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a
> gun,
> and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from
> murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service
> that gets
> police to your home in order to identify your body after a home
> invasion.
>
>
> #5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of
> babies
> being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and
> comfy.
>
>
> #4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right
> to
> free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should
> take away Social Security from those who paid into
> it.
>
>
> #3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not
> be
> allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give
> the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees
> it.
>
>
> #2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to
> rewrite
> the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never
> get their agendas past the voters.
>
>
>
> … And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's
> better to
> pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own
> because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here
> in
> America. We
> don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those
> other
> countries.
>
>
> "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has
> its
> limits"… Albert Einstein
>
>
> I know you all will appreciate this
> definition.
>
> The best description of Obamacare so
> far:
>
> Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: “We have to pass it, to find
> out
> what's in it."
>
> A physician called into a radio show and said: "That's
> the
> definition of a stool sample."

NOT WORTH READING...

2015-10-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess it just had to come to this sooner or later!

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

------------------------------------

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------------------------------

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

---------------------------------

A blond man is in jail; the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself", the blond replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that", he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

------------------------------------

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

--------------------------------------

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year".

The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th".

------------------------------------

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you, because I wasn't even at home yesterday!”

LAWYER SCREWS UP

2015-10-07T08:01:00.000-07:00

Gotta Love this Policeman

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?

DO YOU BELIEVE SEA LEVELS ARE RISING???

2015-09-06T17:11:00.001-07:00

GO TO THESE WEB SITES TO CHECK IT OUT YOURSELF...

TIDE LEVELS FALLING 3-FEET IN 100-YEARS. Its about big corporations making billions constructing sea walls etc.. and taking money from you.

http://tidesandcurrents.noaa.gov/sltrends/sltrends_station.shtml?stnid=9455500

http://tidesandcurrents.noaa.gov/sltrends/sltrends_station.shtml?stnid=9455760

http://tidesandcurrents.noaa.gov/sltrends/sltrends_station.shtml?stnid=9457292

Mean Sea Level Trend

9455500 Seldovia, Alaska

The mean sea level trend is -10.24 millimeters/year with a 95% confidence

interval of +/- 0.82 mm/yr based on monthly mean sea level data from

1964 to 2014 which is equivalent to a change of -3.36 feet in 100 years.

Mean Sea Level Trend
9455760 Nikiski, Alaska

The mean sea level trend is -10.52 millimeters/year with a 95% confidence
interval of +/- 1.11 mm/yr based on monthly mean sea level data from
1973 to 2014 which is equivalent to a change of -3.45 feet in 100 years

Mean Sea Level Trend
9457292 Kodiak Island, Alaska

The mean sea level trend is -10.77 millimeters/year with a 95% confidence
interval of +/- 0.91 mm/yr based on monthly mean sea level data from
1975 to 2014 which is equivalent to a change of -3.53 feet in 100 years.

FYI CO2 is a trace gas at .033% of our Atmosphere. If humans could some how double it would be .066% and still be a trace gas necessary to grow food.

Donald Trump joke

2015-08-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

So, I was walking through the mall the other day and saw that there was a Muslim bookstore. I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore

so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, get the Hell out and stay out!

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

How to piss off everybody...

2015-08-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Politically Incorrect British Humor

...................................................................................................................................................

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in Tide washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

============================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low.

=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

=============================================

Another dumb lawyer joke...

2015-08-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

  "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

  They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

  Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

  The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high

Larry the Cable Guy solves our problems

2015-08-18T21:20:00.001-07:00

Direct Quote from "Larry, the Cable Guy"

THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY BUT UNFORTUNATELY ITS TRUE! THE MAN'S A GENIUS!!!

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .. .. . Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
> * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
> * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

>

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
> Think about this:
> 1. Cows
> 2. The Constitution
> 3. The Ten Commandments

>

COWS
> Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

>

THE CONSTITUTION
> They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....
> why don't we just give them ours?
> It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
> it has worked for over 200 years,
> and we're not using it anymore.

>

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
> The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this --
> you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
> 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and
> 'Thou Shall Not Lie'
> in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians,
> it creates a hostile work environment.

>

Also, think about this .....
> If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone --
> YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Funny

2015-07-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

I think all sports fans will get a kick out of this letter written to the Chicago Tribune....

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious…

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.
As a die-hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress

2015-06-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

President Obama uses Caitlyn Jenner as example of our country being 'more accepting' of who people 'truly are'

By Gina DiFalco, 6/26/2015

President Obama acknowledged our country’s progress when it comes to acceptance, bringing up Caitlyn Jenner’s recent transition as an example.

He attended the taping of Logo's Trailblazer Honors, where he made a moving speech about being accepting of the LGBT and transgender communities.

“When this network aired its first show, gay marriage was a political wedge issue used to divide us," he said of just 10 years ago. "Today the majority of Americans live in states where they can get married, no matter who they love. Today 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' is history.”

People reports he never mentioned Jenner by name, but mentioned her groundbreaking Vanity Fair cover.

“All you have to do is look at this month's cover of Vanity Fair to see how America is more accepting of people for who they truly are,” he continued.

Obama went on to call this progressive way of thinking a natural step. He said it shows “change is not just possible – change is inevitable.”

image from cover of Vogue

MEXICAN JUSTICE

2015-06-19T21:27:00.000-07:00

Three women went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and NOTHING HAPPENS! They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens AGAIN. immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of West Virginia and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in.

__._,_.___

CONFUSED ABOUT SERVICE?

2015-06-19T17:29:00.001-07:00

DEFINITION OF"SERVICE"

I became confused when I heard the word

" Service " being used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue "Service".

2, U.S. Postal "Service".

3, Telephone "Service".

4, Cable T.V. "Service".

5, Civil "Service".

6, State, City, County & Public"Service".

7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought "Service"meant.

But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.

BAM !!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!!!!!

www.GuardDogBooks.com

BIBLE INTERPRETED INCORRECTLY?

2015-06-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Jun 12, 2015 5:54 AM
Subject: Marijuana and marriage ( regardless of human opinion legalizing gay marriage is invitation of judgment of God )
To: "Jeff Lee" < Cc:

MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed
two laws on the same day.
They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized
on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned"

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Irish Joke

2015-05-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

Square Testicles
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'

The origin of this Irish story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.

Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.

Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.

Hillary Clinton

2015-04-18T17:58:00.002-07:00

A good reminder!!

As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job,

she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. ...

And Monica blew it.

New healthcare doctor in training...

2015-04-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

Spelling Bee Champion

My name be Eboneesha Hernandez, a African-Hispanic-American Girl who jus got a award for bein the bess speler in class. I gots a 47% on the spelin text and 38 points for being black, 10 points for not bringin drugs to class, 10 points for not bringin guns to class, and 15 points for not getting pregnut during the cemester. It be hard to beat a score of 120%

White dude sit nex to me is McGee from Jaxon Mizipy. He got a 94% on the text but no extra points on acount of he have the same skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago. Granny ax me to thank all dimocrafts and liberuls for suportin afermative axion. You be showin da way to true eqwallity

I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor since Barrac takn over da healfcare in dis contry.=

DEMOCRAT JOKE

2015-04-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

My Mommy The Dancer.

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher

prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her under-wear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"

No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

HOW TO START A FIGHT

2015-04-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight began . . .
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning . . .
the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

IRISH KID

2015-03-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

   8 year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
   "Mohammad," he replied.
   "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
   " Mohammad returned home after school.
   "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
   "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike?
   "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
   And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
   The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
   "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs!

Italian confession

2015-03-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

Subject: Italian Confession.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
> The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

ANOTHER BLOND JOKE ONLY SHE WINS

2015-03-24T18:38:00.003-07:00

The Blond Girl Wins One!

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Coloradorancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the

rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming

over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into

the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and

knocks on the front door.

“I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row

of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is

the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,

"Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU

know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she

explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is

the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

“I guess it’s to hang your pants on."

HUMOR IN THE WORK PLACE

2015-03-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

6 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure..

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift..

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and crapped on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow crap, he began to realize how warm he was. The crap was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow crap, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE six MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!

OBAMA JOKE

2015-02-27T20:14:00.000-08:00

Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a well-known psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?'” Obama asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter.” replied the psychic.

“Whenever you die, it’ll become a Jewish holiday.”