PhilSmilesOnline

What Is Self Evident?

2012-04-30T03:00:00.000-07:00

Phil: Thanks for being here, Ed. Why don't you get us started.

Edward R Murrow: "The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer."

Phil: So, what is the likelihood, if eternity is the only possibility, that there is only one odd, statistically speaking?"

Steve Allen: I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind."

Phil: "Existence rules out the possibility of Non-existence. Non-existence already ruled itself out."

A. True or False

B. True

Will Rogers: Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it."

Phil: "Well, if I were to give you a clean sheet of paper and a pencil and asked you to represent "All Things" and "Nothing," what would you do?"

A. Nothing

B. Something Else. Anything. Please.

B. What's the alternative?

Robert Prechter: “There's nothing wrong with cash. It gives you time to think.”

Phil: "Alright, the first rule of Real Estate: Location, location, location! So, The Big Bang! Did you get the spacetime? Well let's not forget the rest of the 5 W's.

Albert Einstein “The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.”

Phil: "Ah huh. Once I tried to count to infinity. Then I realized that by the time I got half way I'd still have another infinity to go. So I stopped. I figured I didn't have enough time for this. And there was probably something else I should be doing. Talk about spinning your wheels and getting nowhere fast! Boy, was I glad I stopped. Then I heard about Einstein's rocket thought experiment. Maybe with the right technology, though, it might be possible after all. I was further encouraged by the knowledge that infinity to the infinite power is still only infinity."

Galileo: “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.”

Phil: "Then I became a playboy."

Church Lady: "Well isn't that special!"

Phil: And by the time I was 37, I actually had my own subscription.

George Washington Carver: "Education is the key to unlock the golden door of freedom."

Phil: "Google is to the world wide web as the Collective Consciousness of Life on Earth is to_______?"

A. Sex

B. The Universe

C. The Multiverse

D. God

E. Adam's apple

Our Discussion Will Continue. First Cavemen Today

2012-03-19T03:00:00.000-07:00

Cavemen Today: Conversations

Son: "I want fly"

Chief: "no good"

Son: "yes, bird"

Chief: "huh?"

100,000 years later....

Son: “I think it would be fun to be able to fly like a bird.”

Chief: “OK, but we’ll need to build a flying machine.”

Son: “That would be great!”

Chief: “But first we're gonna have to figure out how to cultivate and domesticate so we can stay put.

Son: “Why do we have to stay put?”

Chief “’Cause we're gonna need to build a factory”.

Son: “That would be fantastic! I'm tired of wandering around looking for food all day long.

Chief: “Daughter, you know how these plants work don’t you?”

Daughter: “I know a little magic.”

Son: “What’s a factory?”

25,000 years later

Chief: I tired of all these other tribes stealing our crops and livestock.

Son: We need to build a fence.

Chief: A fence! Great idea! A strong defense! And maybe some religion, too, now that we have this gardening thing down.

Son: Religion?

Chief: Cooperation without having to explain all the magic that goes into our establishment!

Son: What about Universal Education?

Chief: Huh? This magic is what gives us the power, Son. And it’s proprietary.

Daughter: Don’t I get some credit?

Chief: SHH!

Daughter: “Cavemen!”

10,000 years later

Son: Where do we come from?

Chief: That’s a good question? You came from your mother.

Son: Where did she come from?

Chief: Her mother.

Son: Where did the first mother come from?

Chief: A fruit fell to the ground and the first mother sprang up.

Son: Where did the first father come from?

Chief: Another fruit fell to the ground and the first father sprang up. Then they had a picnic. They ate some fruit, and some time later in the Spring out sprang the first off spring from the first mother.

Son: Fruitful Spring! How do you know this?

Chief: Huh? I figured it out. Why, don’t you believe me? Are you on this Universal Education thing again?

Son: Your guess is as good as mine.

Chief: Believe me! It’s true! Now you listen to me.

Son: Where did everything come from? A really big fruit?

Chief: Yes, from a really big fruit tree.

Son: So we’re all descendents of a really big family fruit tree. Well, why didn’t you say so?

Chief: Is that all?

Son: Where did the really big family fruit tree come from?

Chief: Now you listen to me! If you look up into the night sky, every night you’ll see a fruit falling from the sky. From the really big fruit tree.

Son: You’ve got all the answers, don’t you?

Chief: I better had, I’m the leader of this tribe. A lot of people are counting on me. So you listen to me, you hear?

Son: I think we need a university.

Chief: Huh? What’s a university?

Son: But first we need to do some research.

Chief: Where are you going? We already have a calendar shrine! We already know when to plant the seeds.

Son: I gotta wander. It’s in my genes.

Chief: Be sure and write.

Son: WHEN I FIGURE THAT OUT I WILL!

Chief: WAIT! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO READ!

Son: WHO DOES? FIGURE IT OUT!

Chief: Great! What is this world coming to? Reading and writing and ‘rithmetic. My bankers already know ‘rithmetic. Maybe they can help. DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOUR ROYALTIES! Kids these days. DON’T YOU WANT TO SETTLE DOWN? DON’T YOU WANT TO FLY LIKE A BIRD? I thought everyone wanted to fly like the birds. Maybe my bankers can help. They already know about ‘rithmetic. Wait a minute. What’s he going to write on? Rocks? Wet clay tablets? That might work. Wet clay tablets baked in the sun. Or in the fire. Yeah. This establishment thing is starting to get complicated.

Banker: You’re right.

Chief: Yeah, but we don’t have a postal service. Or even addresses. OK. We need addresses! Write this down!

Banker: Who, me?

Chief: Take a memo!

Banker: All I know is how to write down numbers.

Chief: Well, think of something. You’re the new tribal scribe!

Banker: I am?

Chief: I gave you a promotion!

Banker: I’m already the wealthiest caveman here.

Chief: You are? I thought I was!

Banker: That’s what I meant!

Chief: Are you sure?

Banker: Yes! I’ll be happy to be the new tribal scribe. How about calling me the Banker Tribal Scribe.

Chief: OK Banker Tribal Scribe. Well, where’s your writing material? You’re gone write this down with that little stick?

Banker: Yes. On this wet clay tablet.

Chief: “What is an address? Suggestions welcomed.” Got it? Print that up and circulate it throughout the village.

Banker: I can’t write that yet, and nobody can read it anyway.

Chief: We’ll let’s start a village school. Get on that right now.

Banker: And invent written language too?

Chief: What’s the matter? Create a code with symbols. We’ll call it “Tongue.” If you need some help, get some. And make it snappy!

Banker: Who does he think I am, Bill Gates? And what about all those things that don't have a name that we just point to and say that?

Chief: Name them.

Banker: Name them all? Oh! Now I'm a tonguologist! Tonguology. This could be fun. Deriviative

Chief: What's a motorcycle?

Coach: I have a new game for the masses, Chief.

Chief: What are masses?

Coach: I have a new game for our tribe?

Chief: OK, lets hear it.

Coach: We create two teams of players, and they try to get the ball into the goal.

Chief: What's a ball?

Coach: Well it's like an egg, but round.

Chief: OK. So what? That's it? They steal an egg and put it in a nest?

Coach: Well, not exactly. The ball is bigger and it's made from leather.

Chief: You got a big egg.

Coach: Well the really fun part of this game is they can't use their hands.

Chief: So how do they get the big egg into the big nest?

Coach: They use their feet.

Chief: So why can't they use their hands?

Coach: I don't know, I just thought this game up. But they can use their heads.

Chief: What do you mean?

Coach: They can use their heads to maneuver the ball into the goal. Bounce the ball off their heads!

Chief: Won't they get egg all over their face?

Coach: The ball is made of leather. It only has air in it?

Chief: Well won't the air get all over their face?

Coach: The ball won't break.

Chief: Oh well that's good. What's air?

Coach: So can I organize this game?

Chief: Well... all right. But I think they should use their hands, and not their heads. And maybe use some sticks.

Coach: I really have to put my foot down. I think they should use their feet and their heads without their hands or sticks.

Chief: I think you're nuts, but go ahead. It will never catch on. So what are the masses? And what's this air? And what exactly do you mean round?

Chief: Put his foot down. It's better to use their heads instead of their hands. Cavemen today!

Some months later...

Chief: How's you egg hunt?

Coach: Some of them really like it, but others still want to use their hands.

Chief: I knew that. It will never catch on.

Coach: I want to try another game.

Chief: Well of course you do. I told you. So what is it? Tell me!

Coach: Well, the ball really is shaped like an egg. And the center bends down, and on the hut one, hut two signal pops the ball to the quarterback through his legs, where the hands of the quarterback are waiting in his crotch. The quarterback ..

Chief: Wait! Wait! Wait! You've got the quarterback”s hands between the legs of the center whose ass in up in the air?

Coach: That's right.

Chief: Where exactly did you say?

Coach: In the center's crotch.

Chief: Hut One? Hut Two? What does that mean?

Coach: I don't know, I'm just making this game up? OK?

Chief: Well OK? But you really do sound screwy?

Coach: WooHoo! Wait till you see the tight ends! And forward passes! Bye.

Chief: I think that guy is off his rocker. I wonder if he's gay? It sounds like crap to me. Cavemen today! But I suppose it’s better than war!

Topic: What Is Self Evident?

2012-03-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

Neil Armstrong: "That's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Mankind."

Norm: "Skoal!"

Martin (The Geico Gecko): "Anthropomorphically speaking! Right."

John Lennon: "Imagine all the people living life in peace."

George Washington: "My first wish is to see this plague of mankind, war, banished from the earth."

Phil: "A MultiVerse Cinerama CinePlex is kinda like a googleplex but with infinite universes instead of alot of numbers."

Ilsa: "Play it, Sam. Play "As Time Goes By.'"

Sam: "It's still the same old story, a fight for love and glory. A case of do or die. Fundamental particles apply, space-time goes by."

Dr Carl Sagan: "We are made of star stuff."

Michael Jackson: "We are the ones that make a brighter day..."

Bernie Goldberg: "This is a big story."

Dan Rather: "Ka Ka Ka Courage."

Geoffery O'Hara: "K K K Katy."

Anonymous: "More powerful than a locomotive."

Joe Biden: "This is a big fucking deal!"

Phil: "The Greatest Story Ever Told!"

Erique Claudin "I can make you a star!"

Phil: "Harry Kerry Larry Wins."

Jason Robards: "Woodstein!"

Phil: "Did you question Mark?"

G. Gordon Liddy: "Invest in gold."

Mickey Dolenz: "Take the Last Train to Clarksville"

Phil: "Roysie Boysie Tootsie Noisey"

Aretha Franklin: "R E S P E C T"

Phil: "Mo Jo Ho Jo Go Go"

Grace Slick: "Go ask Alice, I think she'll know. When logic and proportion..."

Phil: "Glenn's Pens Bend's Ends"

Gloria Steinem: "Logic is in the eye of the logician."

Phil: "Courts Ports Morts Swartz"

Lois Lane: "Clark!"

Phil: "Phoney Tony Maloney Baloney"

Grace Slick: "Remember what the dormouse said: 'Feed your head"

Phil: "Food for thought?"

Annie Oakley: "Yes I can."

Phil: "How about eightish?"

Martin (The Geico Gecko): "Oh dear."

Phil: "All things considered, what's the alternative?"

Yoda: "May the force be with you."

Phil: "Yo Yo."

Edward R. Murrow: "Sadly, it seems, we are entering a new era of Charlie McCarthyism."

Martin (The Geico Gecko): "Right. Charlie McCarthyism. What are you saying exactly?"

Edward R Murrow: "One has to wonder, finally, why the best ideas fail to win in our Great Debate."

Cheryl Casone: "I want to give Congress a business education."

Phil: "I want every American to have a business education, before they graduate High School. And to make the Law of Supply and Demand part of the Pledge of Allegiance."

Sylvestor Stallion: "I am a sensitive writer, actor and director. Talking business disgusts me. If you want to talk business, call my disgusting personal manager."

Phil: "Save America? Simple. An awesome defense, outlaw inflation, outlaw hidden taxation, and create more doctors! A few more generalists who can see the garden for the trees wouldn't hurt."

Joseph Stalin: "When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use."

Phil: "The government control of the free market? It boggles the mind. And leads us to uncharted McMurphonomics."

Yogi Berra: "It's deja vu all over again."

President Obama: "People are angry at Washington now."

Howard Beale: "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

Phil: "The American people are familiar with Social Security and Medicare. Where is all this anger coming from?"

Anne Coulter: "Crony capitalism."

Martin (The Geico Gecko): "Right. Charlie McMurphyism."

Phil: "Are you smarter than a post graduate?"

Bill Gates: "So I didn't graduate, but I'm richer than all of them. Ha! And I'm doing something about agrarian science. OK?"

Carlos Slim Helu: "Bueno."

Howard Beale: "I don't have to tell you things are bad."

Studio Audience: "HOW BAD IS IT?"

Johnny Carson: "Well,,, I'll tell you. Its getting so bad in America, if you have a high school diploma, you could be an elitist."

Mary Poppins: "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

Paul Harvey: "Now you know the rest of the story."

John McLaughlin: "Bye Bye!"

Howard Beale: "But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!"

Walter Kronkite: "And that's the way it is."

William Bendix: "What a revoltin' development this is!"

Phil: "Do you have a personal relationship with the Multiverse?"

Jon Stewart: "Go fuck yourselves!"

Phil: "Does anyone feel the need to go fuck themselves?"

Elmer Fudd: "Dang wabbit!"

Bill O'Reilly: "Don't be a popinjay!"

What Is Self Evident?

2012-02-19T03:00:00.000-08:00

T. Boone Pickens: "We’ve got all these politicians talking about better health care and what all, but believe me, we’re not going to have the money to take care of sick people.. or anyone else as far as I’m concerned.. if we don’t fix our energy problem right now. I’ve got an idea what to do. It might not be a perfect idea, but hell, none of my best ideas have been perfect."

Hypatia of Alexandria: "Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than not to think at all."

Mona Lisa: "Can you prove God exists?"

Leonardo Da Vinci: "If I told you, you wouldn't believe me."

Mona Lisa: "You know?"

Leonardo Da Vinci: "You know!"

Mona Lisa: "I know?"

Leonardo Da Vinci: "That's right."

Mona Lisa: "How do you know?"

Leonardo Da Vinci: "That is correct."

Mona Lisa: "Jackass."

Leonardo Da Vinci: "Jackass?"

Mona Lisa: "That's right!"

Leonardo Da Vinci: "You know?"

Mona Lisa: "I know."

Leonardo Da Vinci: "How do you know?"

Mona Lisa: ;)

Patsy Cline: "I'm Crazy."

Alfred E Neuman: "What? Me worry?"

Mr. Ed: "Wilbur."

Phil: "Did you see the movie 'The Man Who Would Be King? How about 'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow?' 'The Godfather?'"

Governor David Paterson: "Did you see 'The Boys from Brazil?'"

Joe Cocker: "I get by with a little help from my friends."

Ringo Starr: "So this is America. They must be out of their minds."

Kenneth Starr: “Let me share with you a bit of the record in the case.”

John Lennon: "He blew his mind out in a car."

Lee Harvey Oswald: "I'm a patsy."

LBJ: “I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.”

Jack Ruby: "I thought I'd be a hero."

Thomas Rudman-Brown: "The best government is the one that charges you the least blackmail for leaving you alone.”

Glenn Beck: "It's morning in America!"

Robin Williams: "Good morning Viet Nam"

Paul Harvey: "Good Day!"

Wilbur: "Hello, Ed"

Louis Armstrong: "Hello Dolly."

Martin Short: "The callalillies are in bloom today."

George Segal: "What's going on?"

Yogi Berra: "It's deja vu all over again."

Marvin Gaye: "What going on?"

Joe Dirt: "Yeah, I'm cool."

Phil: "Is the source of all religious fanaticism the false assumption that 'nothing' is a noun?" Or does the trouble lie with the human trait that would attempt to exploit the lemmings' true quest for life?"

Lou Costello: "What are you asking me for?"

Robin Goodfellow: "If we shadows have offended think but this and...."

Abu: "I am Abu the thief. Son of Abu the thief. Grandson of Abu the thief."

Howard Hughes: "Now regarding the Japanese Zero... The Japanese Zero was a shock..... "

Hamlet: "To be, or not to be. That is the question."

Erique Claudin: "I'm famous..... just not too many people know it"

Hamlet: "And therefore as a stranger give it welcome. There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"

Irving Berlin: "The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl."

Phil: "I've been rich and I've been poor, Ritz is better, Puttin'."

Harpo: " "

Hamlet: "The time is out of joint: O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right! Nay, come, let's go together."

Phil: "When is Eternity not Eternity?"

Groucho: "You Bet Your Life!"

Dalai Lama: " Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace."

Hamlet: "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all..."

Margaret Mead: "It is an open question whether any behavior based on fear of eternal punishment can be regarded as ethical or should be regarded as merely cowardly."

Ben Franklin: "There was never a good war, or a bad peace."

What Is Self Evident?

2012-02-07T16:49:00.000-08:00

Arthur C Clarke: "Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn't come here. Well, it can't hide forever - one day we will overhear it."

Phil: "Honesty? Tell me a secret you don't want me to know. That's honesty!"

George Bernard Shaw: "Ptolemy created a universe that lasted a thousand years. Copernicus created a universe that lasted four hundred years. Einstein has created a universe and I can't tell you how long it will last."

Phil: "Free enterprise is genetically the closest to our hunter-gatherer roots than any other social experiment in cooperative human living. Build a better arrowhead, the world will beat a path to your cave. It will get a little more complicated once civilization of our species begins.

Sigmund Freud: "Zivilisation ist Verdrängung. Gott verdammt es!"

Phil: "Alright, alright! Calm down! Sex is important, Einstein, but you should have gone camping....alone....for several months.... without any groceries.... and cigars....to give it some perspective."

Ben Franklin: "Hunger is the best pickle."

Charles Darwin: At some future period, not very distant as measured by centuries, the civilized races of man will almost certainly exterminate, and replace the savage races throughout the world.

Phil: Is the Cradle of Civilization civilized yet?

Phil: "Double speak is to 1984 as polyverse is to______________?"

A. The Voyage of the Beagle

B. Mein Kampf

C. The Trail of Tears

D. Close Encounters of the Third Kind

E. The Koran

Sgt. Pepper: "Lucy in the skies with diamonds"

Jerry Falwell: “Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America.”

Sammy Sosa: "Baseball has been good to me."

Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776: "When in the course of human events....."

Sigmund Freud: The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?"

Phil: "A great orgasm, Einstein. The purpose of the libido is the propagation of the species. And by the current numbers on world population, that repression thing of yours has yet to commence."

Joe Montana: "There's no thrill like throwing a touchdown pass."

The Idaho Couch Potato: "This Spud's for you."

Bud Abbott: "I don't know."

Phil: "I've been to Helena and back! You should see my car!"

Charles Foster Kane: "Yes. Dear Wheeler: you provide the prose poems. I'll provide the war."

Carrie Prejean: "It's so embarrassing."

Alfred Hitchcock: "Good Evening."

Maria: "Fly me to The Moon."

Marilyn Monroe: "Happy Birthday Mr. President."

Mick Jagger: "I can't get no satisfaction."

Phil: "I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of The Free Wankers Society. The Free Wankers Society, bah! What Free Wankers Society? There is no Free Wankers Society."

Woody Allen: "Don't knock it. Its making love to somebody you really care about."

Dr Ruth: "Remember to wear a condom."

Popeye: "Shiver me timbers, Olive."

Phil: "Maria? Well....she's good, but she's no Maria. U? :)"

NASA's mission statement: "Panspermia."

Mick Jagger: "You're So Vain."

Phil: "Is that a Freudian slip or Victoria's Secret?"

Sigmund Freud: "Man, ist wenn verliebt, sehr verrückt."

Leonard Bernstein: "I feel pretty....."

Professor Henry Higgins: "By George, I think she's got it!"

Clarke Gable: "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn."

Bud Abbott: "Oh, that's our short stop."

Phil: "But love is real, symbolically speaking, Ann."

Rumi: "There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the earth."

Brooke Medicine Eagle: "Spirit of the Wind carry me. Spirit of the Sky spread my wings and fly."

Emilia: "'Tis neither here nor there."

Marcellus: "'Tis gone!"

Joe Namath: "Hut one. Hut two. I want to kiss you."

Jim Morrison: "Come on Baby light my fire!"

Pepe LePew: "Je t'adore, mon cheri."

Jose Feliciano: "Girl we couldn't get much higher."

Elton John: "Like a Candle in the Wind"

Peter: "Puff the magic dragon..."

Rif: "When you're a jet..."

Friedrich Nietzsche: "Also sprach Zarathustra"

"Erin Pavlina: "In summary, if you want to learn to astral project there’s no reason why you can’t. But it will take a commitment and some high awareness."

Mitch Miller and the Gang: "By the light of the Silvery Moon"

Dennis Connors: “Design has taken the place of what sailing used to be.”

Phil: "Ready about! Hard alee! Nice smile!"

Adam: "Do you know the difference between a jib and a gybe?"

John Cameron Swayze: "It takes a licking, and keeps on ticking!"

Bob Dylan: "The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind."

Bob Denver: "Far out"

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi: "Yogic Flying"

Clarence Darrow: "Some of you say religion makes people happy. So does laughing gas."

Robin: "Holy Smokes, Batman!"

Hopalong Cassidy: "Some women folk have a way of changing a man's mind without him even knowin' it. Funny..."

King Kong: "I have these feelings for you Ann, but I guess I'm having a hard time expressing them. Please forgive me, I'm just a big ole dopey gorilla. I've thought about therapy, William Jennings Bryan, Exxon, quantitative analysis.... I just don't know if it could ever work out between us."

Martin (The Geico Gecko): "Oh dear!"

Beach Boys: "Hoist up your sails John B."

2012-02-01T03:00:00.000-08:00

Dr Carl Sagan: “Who are we?"

All: "We are the world."

Michael Jackson: "We are the children."

Dr Carl Sagan: "We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people.”

Carl Jung: "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being."

Arthur C. Clarke: "It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God - but to create him."

Frank Morgan: "I am the great and powerful....Wizard of Oz."

Dr Henry Frankenstein: “It's alive! It's alive! It's alive! It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!"

Lois Lane: "It's Superman!"

Jaques: “All the world's a stage”

Hamlet: "wherein we'll catch the conscience of the King."

Anne Hathaway: "You remind me of the man."

William Shakespeare: "What man?"

Anne Hathaway: "The man with the power."

William Shakespeare: "What power?"

Anne Hathaway: "The power of woohoo."

William Shakespeare: "Woohoo?"

Anne Hathaway: "Yoohoo."

William Shakespeare: "Oh Hello bb, brb."

Nick Bottom: "Methinks I was enamored of an ass."

Hannity: "You have a way with words."

Jerry Falwell: “The whole (global warming) thing is created to destroy America's free enterprise system and our economic stability."

Phil: "The planet Venus, named after the Goddess of Love, turns out to be a very hot, mean place for life as we know it."

Bill Nye, the Science Guy: "If you want to get serious about it, these guys claiming that the snow in Washington disproves climate change are almost unpatriotic. It‘s really they‘re denying science."

Phil: "The sun is even hotter."

Dick Van Dyke: "Gray skies are gonna clear up, Put on a happy face."

The Walrus: "goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob."

Bob Anderson: "Good job!"

John: "And of course Henry the Horse dances the waltz."

Phil: "A dictionary is actually a thesaurus."

Paul: "Will you still feed me, will you still need me, when I'm sixty four."

William Shakespeare: "That to be heaven Anne hath a way; She hath a way."

Robert Graves: "A remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he is really very good in spite of all the people who say he is very good."

Phil: "I'm not a big fan of profanity. There are just too many commonly unused words in the dictionary. To wit, psychobabble's co-dependency in denial augurs an extrasomatic mephitic paranoiac phenomenon in abeyance to eventuation or other superfluous loathsome malapropos denouements."

Arthur C. Clarke: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Robert H Goddard: It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.

Howard Hughes: “I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire.”

Richard Nixon: "Why would I want to talk to David Frost?"

Swifty Lazar: "I've got half a million dollars."

Richard Nixon: "Really? (Expletive deleted)."

Phil: "Knowledge is power.*

*subject to updates without notice"

Nicolas Copernicus: "At rest, however, in the middle of everything is the sun."

Arthur C. Clarke: "Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases: 1- It's completely impossible. 2- It's possible, but it's not worth doing. 3- I said it was a good idea all along."

Nicolas Copernicus: "Finally we shall place the Sun himself at the center of the Universe."

Phil: "I'm not a gynecologist, but I would look into that."

Will Rogers: "It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so."

Phil: "Intelligent life on Earth? I don't know!"

Albert Einstein: "If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research, would it?"

Yogi Berra: "You can observe a lot just by watching."

Dr. Carl Sagan: “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.”

Mark Twain: “It is wiser to find out than to suppose”

What is Self Evident?

2012-01-24T03:00:00.000-08:00

Professor Donald Johansson: "Australopithecus afarensis"

Richard Leakey: "I, too, am convinced that our ancestors came from Africa."

Eldridge Cleaver: "Black is Beautiful"

Professor Harold Hill: "Ya got trouble, Right here in River city! With a capital "T" And that rhymes with "P" And that stands for Pool."

L. Hubbard: "Criminally insane paranoid? Would you like to see my etchings?"

Church Lady: "Could it be.....Satan!"

Ron Howard: "Gary, Indiana!"

Khrushchev: "We will bury you."

Anonymous FBI agent: "Yeah, I can understand your feeling the need to kidnap your own daughter. It was a nasty set of divorces! Polygamy. Losing custody and all. Hard to erase those memories?"

Lt Colombo: "Oh, Just one more thing. Why did you take her to Cuba? KGB? Fidel? Casinos? DesiLu? George Raft? Monroe Doctrine? Friends of yours?"

Anonymous FBI agent: "The locked cage in the jungle, that's not as easy to understand. Not exactly a place to keep you daughter if you had gotten custody."

Nicholas Cage: "Did you see 'National Treasure?'"

George Clooney: "Gary Coleman."

Lt Colombo: "Were you paranoid that somebody might kidnap her?"

Beach Boys: "Off the Florida Keys, there's a place called Kokomo."

Ed Koch: "He is a crook, but I like him.... Most politicians still like De Sapio. He always gets the most applause when he is introduced at Democratic dinners."

Richard Nixon: "Well, I'm not a crook!"

Thomas Jefferson: "The object of your mission is to explore the Missouri river; & such principal stream of it, as by its course & communication with the waters of the Pacific Ocean, may offer the most direct & practicable water communication across this continent, for the purpose of commerce."

Dr Carl Sagan: “We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."

Phil: "My thoughts exactly. We are The Physics of Music, The Universal Laws of Nature, The Cosmic Consciousness of the Multiverse waking up to give itself a breast exam, galactically speaking, of course."

Neil deGrasse Tyson: "After all, what nobler thought can one cherish than that the universe lives within us all?"

Galileo: “The Sun, with all the planets revolving around it, and depending on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as though it had nothing else in the Universe to do.”

Edwin Hubble: "I can see clearly now!"

Ben Franklin: "The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."

Phil: "One may wish to ascribe a greater purpose to Life."

Sam: "Protons must have their quarks. That no one can deny."

Charles Darwin: "I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful, is preserved, by the term of Natural Selection."

Walter Kornbluth: "She's a fish!"

Beach Boys: "Help me Rhonda, get her out of my heart."

Phil: "Happiness starts with a smile."

Dalai Lama: "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

Thomas Jefferson (with Ben Franklin editing): “We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”

Gloria Steinem: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."

Carrie Nation: "Men are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched, whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils."

Teddy Roosevelt: "Speak softly, but carry a big stick."

Al Capone: "Speak easy, but carry a baseball bat."

Helen Reddy: "I am woman, hear me roar."

Tony the tiger: "They're grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!"

Tiger Woods: "Could you just maybe delete my name from your cell phone. That would be huge."

Phil: "...and ends without one."

Topic: What is Self Evident?

2012-01-16T03:00:00.000-08:00

Phil: "The fossilized remains of dragons prove their existence, by George! And to think the ancient Sumerians only mythologized them."

Joseph Campbell: "A one sentence definition of mythology? "Mythology" is what we call someone else's religion."

Phil: "Tragically Hip? I'm updated traditional myself, but that's another story."

Fred Flintstone: "Yabba dabba doo!"

Jerry Ruben: "I invented the term Young Urban Professional, Yuppie."

Jerry Falwell: “AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."

Bob Orbin: "Are you gay?"(TTW)

Elvis: "Elvis the Pelvis? You ain't never caught a rabbit, you ain't no friend of mine."

Phil: "We're going to need a population explosion to spread the debt around."

JFK: "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

FDR: "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."

Mr. President: "Can you spare a dime, Bro?"

President Barack Obama: "That is the true genius of America, a faith in the simple dreams of its people, the insistence on small miracles. That we can say what we think, write what we think, without hearing a sudden knock on the door. That we can have an idea and start our own business without paying a bribe or hearing a sudden knock on the door. That we can participate in the political process without fear of retribution, and that our votes will be counted-or at least, most of the time."

Phil: "Education, applied science, innovation and entrepreneurship generates real wealth for the people of our nation. Wall Street spreads the wealth around, thank you."

Will Rogers: "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."

Phil: "Bureaucrats are the kind of people who get in your way and then ask 'How may I help?' And finally, object to your suggestions and congratulate themselves for a job well done!"

Thomas Jefferson: “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.”

Phil: If Warren Buffet were a socialist, he would have given all his money to the government, and let the government save AIG.

DDE: Here in America we are descended in blood and in spirit from revolutionists and rebels -- men and women who dare to dissent from accepted doctrine. As their heirs, we may never confuse honest dissent with disloyal subversion.

HST: "The buck stops here."

Bill O' Reilly: "The spin stops here."

Anonymous: "Hip Hip Hurrah!"

Irving Berlin: "Yip Yip Yaphank!"

Anonymous: "Hip Hip Hypnotism!"

Henry Fonda: "G A F!"

Sam: "Cheers!"

Cliff: "Salud!"

H. Cohen: "You little cocksucker. Are you ready?"(TTW stomping on floor above)

S. Portelli: "No." No."(TTW stomping on floor above)

KoKo the gorilla: "My cat good."

A-RAB: Where you gonna find Bernardo?

Jeff Goldbaum: "Be afraid, be very afraid."

Bernardo: "I have seen nothing."

Elton John: "BBBennie and the jets."

Abigail Adams: “I've always felt that a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting points of view he can entertain simultaneously on the same topic.”

Phil: "I refuse to be labeled an atheist, agnostic or true believer, for these appellatives offend my intelligence and deep appreciation of the logic of mathematics, the accumulated body of knowledge derived by scientific exploration, and the universe as we know it today. For lack of a better word, I am an existentialist, epistemologically speaking. All things considered, what's the alternative? Oxymorons? What part of know don't you get?"

Arthur C. Clarke: "I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."

Phil: "I know all things exist and that is always true. Beyond that I can only believe."

Groucho: "Hello I must be going."

Phil: "I know I am! What do you think?"

Rene Descartes: "I think therefore I am."

B. Leach: "What are you thinking? Don't even think it!"

(TTW)

Irving Berlin: "Now, if you're blue, And you don't know where to go to. Why don't you go where fashion sits?"

Phil: "Legend has it Santa Claus is real. And apparently faster than the speed of light."

Gerald Ford: "Whip inflation now."

Santa Claus: "Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!"

Freud: "Ja, Herrin."

Carl Jung: "The word "belief" is a difficult thing for me. I don't believe. I must have a reason for a certain hypothesis. Either I know a thing, and then I know it - I don't need to believe it."

Stephen Wright: "When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

Bertrand Russell: "Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines."

Phil: "Every habit is a bad habit."

Bertram Russell: "So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence."

Lou Costello: "Who's on first?"

Phil: "An apple a day keeps the Doctor away."

Hamlet: "Get thee to a nunnery."

Hippocrates: “A physician without a knowledge of Astrology has no right to call himself a physician."

Isaac Newton: Force equals mass times acceleration.

Stephen Hawking: "I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was able to reason."

Blaise Pascal: "The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing: we know this in countless ways."

Phil: "One must be careful not to trivialize the obvious when attempting profundity for posterity."

Ben Franklin: "Hear reason, or she'll make you feel her."

William Congreve: "Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned, nor Hell a fury than a woman scorned."

Carl Jung: "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."

Phil: "Love is a charitable assertion of magnanimous selfishness, synergistically speaking, especially when perpetrated with a smile. Apparently quite effective for propagating the species! And why not? Life is such a lovely, delicate biochemical expression of dynamic dimensional equilibrium at this magnification of the ununified field, with such an innate genetic appetite for molecular self-replication, who wouldn't think her quarks are astonishing? Simply electric! The universe has a personality!"

Anonymous 1: "No it doesn't!"

Anonymous 2: "Yes it does!"

R. Buckminster Fuller: "Love is metaphysical gravity."

Robert Teller: Spontaneous Combustion.

Robert Oppenheimer: Fusion!

Shirley Jones: "There were birds in the sky, but I never saw them winging, no I never saw them at all, till there was you."

Timothy Leary: "What's she on?"

Richard Avedon: "Picture yourself in a pink submarine in the river of Spacetime."

Roy Rodgers and Dale Evans: "Happy trails to you, until we meet again."

Albert Einstein: "Gravitational lensing!"

Fred Astaire: "He loves and she loves."

Eric Schmidt: "Give me a minute."

Phil: "Would you like that in an electron volt credit?"

Topic: What is Self Evident?

2012-01-09T03:00:00.000-08:00

Jerry Falwell: "There's been a concerted effort to steal Christmas.”

Charlemagne: "Permissum nos lacto paganus converto."

Noah(Bill Cosby): "Right.................What's an Ark?"

William F. Buckley: Though liberals do a great deal of talking about hearing other points of view, it sometimes shocks them to learn that there are other points of view.

Martin (The Geico Gecko): "And you're going to live forever.......when you die! But you'll love it? Oh dear."

Phil: "I suspect most people would like to live forever..............while they're alive!"

Freud: "Das ist nicht richtig, Scheissekopf!"

John McEnroe: "You've got to be kidding me! That was on the line."

Jack Paar: "I kid you not."

Phil: "Maybe you'd be interested in some real estate in Florida? In another universe?"

Martin (The Geico Gecko): "Promise her anything, but give her Arpel. Right."

Sir Walter Scott: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice robbery...er socialism...er to deceive."

Phil: "Speaking of polyverse, that's multidimensionally plausible."

Puck: "Lord, what fools these mortals be!"

Patrick: "Gullibility is not in the dictionary."

Genesis: So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."

Phil: "8000 BC Human population about 5.3 million. The date of creation set at 5508 BC or 5409 BC or 4004 BC or 3760 BC.

Cris Wallace: It's a date.

Clarke Gable: "Hell, if I'd jumped on all the dames I'm supposed to have jumped on, I'd have had no time to go fishing."

Phil: "4000 BC: World population is about 85 million.

Cris: "People who live in grass huts shouldn't stow thrones.

Phil: "The abacus developed in and around the Middle East and Mediterranean about 3000 BC."

Pythagoras: "Μια ορθογωνισμένη συν Β ορθογωνισμένη ίσον C ορθογωνισμένη."

Hammurabi the Great: "We knew that!"

Pythagoras: "Ι αποδείχθηκε."

Church Lady: "Well I don't know. Who could it be?"

Howard Baker: "What did the president know and when did he know it?"

Phil: "2010 AD Earth's population 6.08 billion."

Ernest Hemingway: "But did thee feel the earth move?"

Phil: "Whoa! I believe that's called human nature, anthropomorphically speaking."

Martin (The Geico Gecko): "Human Nature. Right."

Phil: "Without agricultural science (8000 BC) it takes about 5000 acres to support one human. Agrarian science allows the hunter-gatherer to settle down. One acre can now support one human. (5000 BC) It's good to know when to plant the seed.

Genesis: But God had said, “But from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you shall surely die” (2:17).

Plato: "χαθούν στη μετάφραση"

Casca: "But, for my own part, it was Greek to me."

Phil: "3500 BC, The Real Estate industry begins. A man's home is his castle. Thus the transition from Cave Man to Condo Dweller begins....though some homo sapiens apparently have yet to come out of their caves or make sense of antidisestablishmentarianism."

Plato: "Η αλληγορία του σπηλαίου."

Topic: What Is Self Evident?

2011-12-25T03:00:00.000-08:00

Albert Einstein: Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.

Phil: Where did all that energy go? Oh dear, what's the matter now? Dimensional phase change?"

Stephen Hawking: "However, one cannot really argue with a mathematical theorem." "My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all."

Phil: "There are limits of course. Abstraction is always incomplete. There is only one complete model of Reality. Full scale."

Stephen Wright: "You can't have everything, where would you put it?"

Isaac Newton: “If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.”

Phil: "Did you see the Darryl Hannah version of 'Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman?'"

Barbara Seaman: Condoms should be marketed in 3 sizes, jumbo, colossal, and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.

Werner Heisenberg: "It is not surprising that our language should be incapable of describing the processes occurring within the atoms, for, as has been remarked, it was invented to describe the experiences of daily life, and these consist only of processes involving exceedingly large numbers of atoms. Furthermore, it is very difficult to modify our language so that it will be able to describe these atomic processes, for words can only describe things of which we can form mental pictures, and this ability, too, is a result of daily experience. Fortunately, mathematics is not subject to this limitation, and it has been possible to invent a mathematical scheme - the quantum theory - which seems entirely adequate for the treatment of atomic processes; for visualization, however, we must content ourselves with two incomplete analogies - the wave picture and the corpuscular picture."

Phil: "What's the matter? Dimensional differential juxtaposition? Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle?"

Ben Franklin: "Time is money."

Phil: "Can the human mind grasp a what's-sa-ma-giggy-do-hickie?"

Thomas Carlyle: "Speech is silvern, Silence is golden."

Phil: "Did you take two aspirins?"

Anonymous: "Love makes the world go 'round."

Phil: "If it's real, it has an electron volt equivalent."

Donald Trump: “It's tangible, it's solid, it's beautiful. It's artistic, from my standpoint, and I just love real estate.”

Rosalind: "Thou speak wiser than thou art ware of."

Phil: "For a discerning standard model, that's a massive proposition."

George Washington: "If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."

Oprah Winfrey: "He's the one."

Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd..."

Phil: "Alchemy? So far it still takes about 13 billion years to make gold. A second generation star must go supernova.

Genesis: And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

Al Sleet, the Hippy Dippy Weatherman: "Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning."

Ptolemy: I know that I am mortal and the creature of a day; but when I search out the massed wheeling circles of the stars, my feet no longer touch the earth, but, side by side with Zeus himself, I take my fill of ambrosia, the food of the gods.

Phil: "7500 years of Humanity celebrating in one form or another, the return of the Sun to the Northern Hemisphere. Let's Partae! Merry Winter Solstice! In fact, let's call it a Happy New Year! WooHoo! It seems like the whole Northern Hemisphere is turning green."

Madison: "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"

What Is Self Evident?

2011-12-14T03:00:00.000-08:00

Bill Gates: "The Internet is becoming the town square for the global village of tomorrow."

George Washington: If we desire to avoid insult, we must be able to repel it; if we desire to secure peace, one of the most powerful instruments of our rising prosperity, it must be known, that we are at all times ready for War.

Annie: "The sun will come up tomorrow."

Albert Einstein: "One sees that in this paradox the germ of the special relativity theory is already contained. Today everyone knows, of course, that all attempts to clarify this paradox satisfactorily were condemned to failure as long as the axiom of the absolute character of time, or of simultaneity, was rooted unrecognized in the unconscious. To recognize clearly this axiom and its arbitrary character already implies the essentials of the solution of the problem."

Martin (The Geico Gecko): "The unconscious. Yeah, Right."

Phil: "What's on the other side of our Universe?"

John McLaughlin: "Many universes?"

Phil: "We need a place and time before spacetime."

M. C. Escher: "Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. I think it's in my basement... let me go upstairs and check."

Salvador Dali: The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."

Phil: Multiverse. Right. An infinitely variable spiral hyperchronospheric cosmological mobius strip.

Donald Trump: "As long as you’re going to be thinking anyway, think big."

Carl Jung: "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.”

Gypsy Rose Lee: "Let me entertain you."

Phil: "From a quantum dramatics perspective her quarks are astonishing! Galactically speaking, of course."

McMurphy: "I must be crazy to be in a loony bin like this."

Groucho: “Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?”

Phil: "Reality! A dynamic equilibrium of Multiversal (infinite universes) Mandelbrot curvature in ID (infinite dimensions)."

Janet Jackson: "Wardrobe malfunction."

Phil: "The PolyMcMurphic Law: In our Multiverse, everything that can go wrong has already gone wrong...an infinite number of times!"

Yogi Berra: "It's déjà vu all over again."

Phil: "Any news?"

Chauncey Gardner: "I like to watch."

Phil: "Strunk said it best."

Topic: What Is Self Evident?

2011-12-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

Phil: Thanks for being here, Ed. Why don't you get us started.

Edward R Murrow: "The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer."

Phil: So, what is the likelihood, if eternity is the only possibility, that there is only one odd, statistically speaking?"

Steve Allen: I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind."

Phil: "Existence rules out the possibility of Non-existence. Non-existence already ruled itself out."

A. True or False

B. True

Will Rogers: Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it."

Phil: "Well, if I were to give you a clean sheet of paper and a pencil and asked you to represent "All Things" and "Nothing," what would you do?"

A. Nothing

B. Something Else. Anything. Please.

B. What's the alternative?

Robert Prechter: “There's nothing wrong with cash. It gives you time to think.”

Phil: "Alright, the first rule of Real Estate: Location, location, location! So, The Big Bang! Did you get the spacetime? Well let's not forget the rest of the 5 W's.

Albert Einstein “The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.”

Galileo: “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.”

Phil: "Then I became a playboy."

Church Lady: "Well isn't that special!"

Phil: And by the time I was 37, I actually had my own subscription.

George Washington Carver: "Education is the key to unlock the golden door of freedom."

Phil: "Google is to the world wide web as the Collective Consciousness of Life on Earth is to_______?"

A. Sex

B. The Universe

C. The Multiverse

D. God

E. Adam's apple

Our Discussion Will Continue. First Cavemen Today

2011-11-27T03:00:00.000-08:00

Cavemen Today: Conversations

Son: "I want fly"

Chief: "no good"

Son: "yes, bird"

Chief: "huh?"

100,000 years later....

Son: “I think it would be fun to be able to fly like a bird.”

Chief: “OK, but we’ll need to build a flying machine.”

Son: “That would be great!”

Chief: “But first we're gonna have to figure out how to cultivate and domesticate so we can stay put.

Son: “Why do we have to stay put?”

Chief “’Cause we're gonna need to build a factory”.

Son: “That would be fantastic! I'm tired of wandering around looking for food all day long.

Chief: “Daughter, you know how these plants work don’t you?”

Daughter: “I know a little magic.”

Son: “What’s a factory?”

25,000 years later

Chief: I tired of all these other tribes stealing our crops and livestock.

Son: We need to build a fence.

Chief: A fence! Great idea! A strong defense! And maybe some religion, too, now that we have this gardening thing down.

Son: Religion?

Chief: Cooperation without having to explain all the magic that goes into our establishment!

Son: What about Universal Education?

Chief: Huh? This magic is what gives us the power, Son. And it’s proprietary.

Daughter: Don’t I get some credit?

Chief: SHH!

Daughter: “Cavemen!”

10,000 years later

Son: Where do we come from?

Chief: That’s a good question? You came from your mother.

Son: Where did she come from?

Chief: Her mother.

Son: Where did the first mother come from?

Chief: A fruit fell to the ground and the first mother sprang up.

Son: Where did the first father come from?

Son: Fruitful Spring! How do you know this?

Chief: Huh? I figured it out. Why, don’t you believe me? Are you on this Universal Education thing again?

Son: Your guess is as good as mine.

Chief: Believe me! It’s true! Now you listen to me.

Son: Where did everything come from? A really big fruit?

Chief: Yes, from a really big fruit tree.

Son: So we’re all descendents of a really big family fruit tree. Well, why didn’t you say so?

Chief: Is that all?

Son: Where did the really big family fruit tree come from?

Chief: Now you listen to me! If you look up into the night sky, every night you’ll see a fruit falling from the sky. From the really big fruit tree.

Son: You’ve got all the answers, don’t you?

Chief: I better had, I’m the leader of this tribe. A lot of people are counting on me. So you listen to me, you hear?

Son: I think we need a university.

Chief: Huh? What’s a university?

Son: But first we need to do some research.

Chief: Where are you going? We already have a calendar shrine! We already know when to plant the seeds.

Son: I gotta wander. It’s in my genes.

Chief: Be sure and write.

Son: WHEN I FIGURE THAT OUT I WILL!

Chief: WAIT! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO READ!

Son: WHO DOES? FIGURE IT OUT!

Banker: You’re right.

Chief: Yeah, but we don’t have a postal service. Or even addresses. OK. We need addresses! Write this down!

Banker: Who, me?

Chief: Take a memo!

Banker: All I know is how to write down numbers.

Chief: Well, think of something. You’re the new tribal scribe!

Banker: I am?

Chief: I gave you a promotion!

Banker: I’m already the wealthiest caveman here.

Chief: You are? I thought I was!

Banker: That’s what I meant!

Chief: Are you sure?

Banker: Yes! I’ll be happy to be the new tribal scribe. How about calling me the Banker Tribal Scribe.

Chief: OK Banker Tribal Scribe. Well, where’s your writing material? You’re gone write this down with that little stick?

Banker: Yes. On this wet clay tablet.

Chief: “What is an address? Suggestions welcomed.” Got it? Print that up and circulate it throughout the village.

Banker: I can’t write that yet, and nobody can read it anyway.

Chief: We’ll let’s start a village school. Get on that right now.

Banker: And invent written language too?

Chief: What’s the matter? Create a code with symbols. We’ll call it “Tongue.” If you need some help, get some. And make it snappy!

Banker: Who does he think I am, Bill Gates? And what about all those things that don't have a name that we just point to and say that?

Chief: Name them.

Banker: Name them all? Oh! Now I'm a tonguologist! Tonguology. This could be fun. Deriviative

Chief: What's a motorcycle?

Coach: I have a new game for the masses, Chief.

Chief: What are masses?

Coach: I have a new game for our tribe?

Chief: OK, lets hear it.

Coach: We create two teams of players, and they try to get the ball into the goal.

Chief: What's a ball?

Coach: Well it's like an egg, but round.

Chief: OK. So what? That's it? They steal an egg and put it in a nest?

Coach: Well, not exactly. The ball is bigger and it's made from leather.

Chief: You got a big egg.

Coach: Well the really fun part of this game is they can't use their hands.

Chief: So how do they get the big egg into the big nest?

Coach: They use their feet.

Chief: So why can't they use their hands?

Coach: I don't know, I just thought this game up. But they can use their heads.

Chief: What do you mean?

Coach: They can use their heads to maneuver the ball into the goal. Bounce the ball off their heads!

Chief: Won't they get egg all over their face?

Coach: The ball is made of leather. It only has air in it?

Chief: Well won't the air get all over their face?

Coach: The ball won't break.

Chief: Oh well that's good. What's air?

Coach: So can I organize this game?

Chief: Well... all right. But I think they should use their hands, and not their heads. And maybe use some sticks.

Coach: I really have to put my foot down. I think they should use their feet and their heads without their hands or sticks.

Chief: I think you're nuts, but go ahead. It will never catch on. So what are the masses? And what's this air? And what exactly do you mean round?

Chief: Put his foot down. It's better to use their heads instead of their hands. Cavemen today!

Some months later...

Chief: How's you egg hunt?

Coach: Some of them really like it, but others still want to use their hands.

Chief: I knew that. It will never catch on.

Coach: I want to try another game.

Chief: Well of course you do. I told you. So what is it? Tell me!

Chief: Wait! Wait! Wait! You've got the quarterback”s hands between the legs of the center whose ass in up in the air?

Coach: That's right.

Chief: Where exactly did you say?

Coach: In the center's crotch.

Chief: Hut One? Hut Two? What does that mean?

Coach: I don't know, I'm just making this game up? OK?

Chief: Well OK? But you really do sound screwy?

Coach: WooHoo! Wait till you see the tight ends! And forward passes! Bye.

Chief: I think that guy is off his rocker. I wonder if he's gay? It sounds like crap to me. Cavemen today! But I suppose it’s better than war!

Topic: What is Self Evident?

2011-11-20T22:02:00.000-08:00