Fun though it may be, there’ll be none of that here tonight. Unless you read through previous posts. Then there might be. But tonight’s message isn’t about ridicule. No, it’s about helping others.

Hey, hey, get back here! I’m not talking about the sort of “others” that nearly bludgeoned me with a cobblestone on Market St. on Monday after class. No, this is helping out a fantastic cause: Big Brothers Big Sisters.

Before his unfortunate passing, my significant other’s father put in a great deal of work promoting this fine organization. He even went so far as to serve as a board member for the Big Brothers Big Sisters in Pennsylvania’s Capital Region.

In memory of the hard work he put in, I am encouraging all readers of both this site and the Fanball Network as a whole to take the time to visit the website for the Bowl for Kids’ Sake event. If you’re able to find it in your budget to make a donation, know you’ll be helping to make a difference in the life of a boy or girl who wouldn’t have that opportunity without your help. Too many kids slip through the cracks today without any kind of support group or network, and any assistance at all would be a huge step forward in improving the lives of these children.

I’ll be participating in this event myself, so any donations you, your family, friends, or co-workers could make would be extremely appreciated. It’s not often we get a chance to help out the less fortunate, so please take this opportunity and do so. Hundreds of kids need your help. Give them a hand and support Big Brothers Big Sisters’ Bowl for Kids’ Sake event.

~Christian Ingram
Phlying Pucks Editor

That wasn’t the case tonight, however. Philadelphia came into town with a vengeance, spanking the Habs up and down the ice to the tune of 6-2. Danny Briere had a hat trick while the Flyers also got goals from Mike Richards, Jeff Carter and Blair Betts, who recently signed a two-year, $1.4M extension with the club. Love that signing, by the way. Philly has now won four straight games, all of which come against Eastern Conference playoff teams. Bad. Freakin. Ass.

That takes us to the Olympic break, as the Flyers will have a two-week rest before returning to the ice. Which might leave one to wonder: “Christian! What with this break coming up, what’s Phlying Pucks going to do in the interim?”

Glad you asked, disembodied voice. I’ve been kicking around a few bits I intend to try out. Super Flyers fan Breanna may regail us with some of her stories as a season-ticket holder for the Orange and Black, many of which are downright hilarious. There’s also the forwards section of “Deal or No Deal” to finish up. For those of you who weren’t readers back then, that’s where I go through and analyze all the contracts of all players committed to the team, both now and in the future. It’s probably the closest thing you’ll get to Comcast-esque analysis here, so soak it in.

We’re also kicking around the idea of bringing in a model to increase the profile of the site. Sex draws traffic, of course, and if the girl I’m thinking of complies, I’m about to get a niiiice bump in hits.

So there’s obviously plenty of reasons to stay tuned to Phlying Pucks during the Olympic Break. For now, I’m going to go get in bed with the lady and hope she doesn’t punch me in the face come morning.

For those of you single ladies who don’t have an awesome guy like me to spoon with, all hope is not lost. After all, I hear this is a great backup option:

Just beware: He knows when you don't phone-five.

Whew. Glad that’s over with. Speaking of which, the Ilya Kovalchuk Sweepstakes ended in underwhelming yet frowny fashion for the Flyers. Cross-bridge rivals and (let’s be fair now) much better unit New Jersey won the bidding, somehow giving up next-to-nothing for the talented winger. I’m not sure how Kovalchuk fits into the defense-first system of the Devils, considering he doesn’t play any, but I can think of at least one guy who’s on board with this deal:

DON'T MESS WITH THE DEVILS!!!!!!!

Even with the addition of Kovalchuk, it wasn’t enough for David Puddy (Putty?)’s favorite squad to get the job done tonight against the Orange and Black Army. Down 2-0 in the second, the Flyers made a valiant comeback , something they haven’t done against New Jersey in half a decade. James van Riemsdyk and Jeff Carter scored within 1:12 minute of each other late in the period to knot it up going into the third. There, Mike Richards made it easy to stand atop your desk and salute the Captain, taking a feed from behind and beating Marty Brodeur to give the Flyers a 3-2 victory.

Mr. Puddy (Putty? IDK I’m too lazy to look it up, so I’m calling him Pudty from now on. Deal.) can’t possibly be happy. But his boys will have a chance to redeem themselves when these two teams close out the home-and-home set Wednesday night in New Jersey. Weather permitting, of course, since Jersey’s about to get blasted with another foot of snow the night before.

Considering the Flyers dropped games to both Edmonton and Minnesota on the road last week, this is another game the team needs to shake their recent road woes. With the Flyers sitting currently at #7 in the East, they’d currently be matched up against these very same Devils come playoff time. So please, gentlemen, win more hockey matches. Cause facing Brodeur in the playoffs is something akin to this:

On the bright side, it's like 1/4th a stigmata!

Next Game: Wednesday vs. New Jersey (7 p.m., CSN)

Ugh

After demolishing Calgary 3-0 on Monday night, the Flyers looked like they were getting things together and could go on a nice little run, especially with Edmonton, the NHL’s worst squad, up next on the schedule.

Instead, Philadelphia decided to do what they always do when they go on a nice run: fuck it all up out of nowhere. The Flyers were shut out by Jeff Deslauriers of all people, dropping last night’s contest 1-0 on a late power play goal by former FlyerRyan Potulny. Jeff Deslauriers? Ryan Potulny? Really?

It’s now been nine years since we’ve beaten the Oilers. Nine. The last time we beat Edmonton, I was a high school student.

God that’s depressing. On so many levels.

Following this utter farce, the Flyers are said to be amping up their pursuit of coveted Thrashers winger Ilya Kovalchuk. The most sought-after name on the trade market in many years, Kovalchuk is A: a free agent after this season, and B: going to cost…well, the price in both players, picks, and signing Kovalchuk long-term would look something like this

One of these and one of these....an arm and a leg. HIGH COMEDY, PEOPLE!

Yahoo!”s Puck Daddy blog has the Flyers right in the thick of the race for Kovalchuk, with talks likely to intensify after a shutout loss to the worst team in hockey.

Know what I say? Back off, Holmgren. You’re a smart man, Silver Fox. You know damn well we don’t have the cap space to lock up Kovalchuk. And even if we bring him on board, we have no chance at all of signing him after this season.

Even with Kovalchuk, Philly is maybe the fourth-best team in the conference. Maybe. If I’ve got to give up a Claude Giroux or a JVR to get an impact piece, I want that piece to be leading me to a Stanley Cup. It’s senseless to do so when the best end result is maybe a seven-game loss in the conference finals.

This team has work to do. And I’d love to see them unload a Matt Carle when he’s got a ton of value. But not for a guy we can’t sign past this season.

I love what Danny Briere is doing for this team offensively, but his contract is a serious liability to be active in both trade talks and the free agent market. If Briere and Carle can be the centerpieces for a deal for Kovalchuk, sure, go for it. But I don’t see Atlanta going for that. And nor should they.

So back away from the panic button, people. It’s an awful, terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad loss for the team, but it’s not worth gutting the franchise over.

After all, you don’t want to become these guys

Al Davis is a old, senile vampire.

With only a day off in-between games once again due to the compressed Olympic schedule, the Orange and Black had a date with the newly-revamped Calgary Flames. Mind you, I’ve been a man who has always had a soft spot for the Flames. In fact, I got called out on this as an eight-year-old when I tried to rip off their moniker for local swim team.

That all came to a screeching halt over the weekend. In case you missed it, Calgary shipped franchise defenseman and Elisha Cuthbert-enthusiast Dion Phaneuf to Toronto in a seven-player trade. Given that Phaneuf hasn’t even hit his prime yet, this is easily considered a blunder, especially with Jay Bouwmeester underperforming in his first season with the Flames. The trade gets even worse when you look at the pieces Calgary received. Matt Stajan? Ian White? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? Bringing Cuthbert to the arena on a semi-nightly basis alone is enough to justify keeping Phaneuf! How does anyone in Calgary’s front office still have work after that?

Used once again to illustrate Calgary's stupidity.

Whew. Rant over. So as a result, the Flames were a bit shorthanded in last night’s game, and did it ever show. The team was outplayed in almost every aspect of the game and looked like they really had no interest in being inside the Saddledome Monday night. The Flyers took full advantage of this, dominating Calgary en route to a 3-0 shutout, the third of the season for Ray Emery. Philly pretty much lived in the Flames’ end, using the aggressive forechecking system of coach Peter Laviolette to perfection.

The Flyers currently sit sixth in the Eastern Conference with two games in hand over most teams chasing them.

Know what I say? Stand pat. Cause I really do not want to play New Jersey or Pittsburgh in the opening rounds and neither of them are going to suddenly decide they suck and let us sneak past them. Could we get past Ottawa to a fifth seed? Possibly. But I want no part of the stupid Penguins in the opening round again. Not at all.

We likely aren’t going to end up with home ice. But if we can play Buffalo, a team Pittsburgh just proved is quite beatable, then there’s no reason to think we couldn’t advance to the Conference Semis. From there, anything’s possible. What up, ‘08 Canadiens?

And now Calgary’s gone and made another bone-headed trade. What the hell is going on in Alberta? Bret Hart would not approve of this. Not. One. Bit.

Neither do I, since it sends Ugly (Oh, it’s Olli? Wow. My mistake.) Jokinen to the Rangers. Stop helping out the toughest division in hockey, rest of the NHL!

Next Game: @ Oilers (9:30 p.m., CSN)

7:08 – Apparently it’s Reptile Carcillo’s birthday. Maybe he’ll stay out of the box to celebrate. Or try and one-up the dude from Dallas who drilled a guy from Calgary with his own helmet during a fight. I’m hoping for the former, but then again, I’m a guy who likes to win hockey games.

COATESY WEARING A HELMET! WTF Coates, vampires attack the neck, not the skull! Did you miss Blade’s training session earlier?

And yes. I’m going to do this all night. Live with it.

7:14 - Flyers getting some great scoring chances early on, which ends up netting them a power play after a hooking penalty. Power play flowing well but not getting many pucks on Hedberg, who gets the start again against Philly.

7:18 – No luck on that effort for Philly and their third-ranked PP, but at least they got some better chances towards the end of the man advantage.

I don’t really like bud light, but that too heavy/too light paintball makes me laugh every single time. Well done, makers of sub-par beer!

7:20 - Uh, MetroPCS, I’m pretty sure putting Middle Eastern guys as your commercial figureheads isn’t going to gain you market penetration. Might not be the most sound business strategy. Just sayin.

Oh, and Coates looks ridiculous with that helmet. You and your oblong head need to suck it up, sir.

7:23 - Flyers about to go on another PECOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO POWER PLAY.

Sorry, was just trying to do the PA guy justice here. Kubina goes for interference, giving the Orange and Black another shot at Hedberg.

7:27 - Another PP down the drain, although this time they didn’t do nearly anything right. Step it up, gentlemen, or Coatesy is going to get out there. He’s already halfway dressed, after all.

7:29 - Peverley uses UNNATURAL speed to race to a loose puck and take a good shot on Emery. It appears my judgment of the rift between Peverley and his Twilight brethren came too soon. Stupid sparkler.

7:32 – Some kid on mic’d up just told Scotty Hartnell that he just added the winger on his fantasy team. I’ve barked up that tree before, sport. Unless you need penalty minutes (which I maintain should NOT be a positive statistic), you’re going to be underwhelmed.

7:35 - Way to sell the Orange Line segment with Emery and Bernard Hopkins, CSN. They’re going to talk about their mutual admiration for each other? Yeah, that sounds awesome.

“You punch good!”
“Why thank you, Ray! I like the way you only occasionally let pucks past you!”
“You’re so cool, you’re on my mask!”

Why did I give the boxer the more educated-sounding dialog? Whoops.

7:38 - Maybe it’s just me, but in no way would I ever sit in the Lehigh Valley Family Section. Nothing about sitting and watching hockey with a bunch of families seems like fun to me. I’m sure it’s great for parents, but really, if you’re not around some drunk miscreant during a Flyers game, you’re not getting the full experience.

7:44 - Danny Briere feeds Hartnell with a great pass to give him a clean break in on Hedberg and even followed his shot with the rebound, but couldn’t light the lamp and the game remains scoreless. More vampire magic? Regardless, that kid is definitely regretting adding Scotty to his squad.

Andddd the Thrashers go right back down the ice and score. Evander Kane slides behind the net on a wrap-around and finds Jim Slater (who??) for a goal. Ray Emery wasn’t anywhere near the puck (or most of the net) during that pay. Maybe Hopkins can give him something other than admiration during the next Orange Line.

Period One = FIN.

7:47 - Geico: Yes, Ed “Too Tall” Jones is, in fact, too tall. Your commercial illustrating this is absolutely awkward and hilarious. Geico, do not change a thing.

Pennsylvania Lottery: Get rid of that creepy green-suited guy. He’s somehow douchier than Matthew Lesko. Hard to do, but true nonetheless. Fix it.

7:50 - Soccer net for Boucher? COATESY’S REVENGE! Well played, though I do not care for the overly-forced laughter.

8:04 - Coatesy got punked and apparently was not mandated to wear the ridiculous helmet. So to retaliate, he puts on a black helmet with a goal light on top of it. So, I guess he….wasn’t….punked? Oh live television, how pre-produced you are.

8:10 - Likes how the game has become second-fiddle to the Coatesy helmetgate incident. I’m really not sure it’s as funny as they’re all making it out to be.

8:13 – Despite completely assing-out behind the net, Hedberg makes a solid play to move the puck along (from his ass) and avoid a delay of game penalty.

8:16 - WOW. Claude Giroux just made everyone in in the Atlanta zone, especially Johan Hedberg, look stupid. Giroux dekes no less than eighteen times to slither around Hedberg and slip the puck into the net. 1-1 tie, but Atlanta now heads to the PP. Get back to work, boys.

8:21 - Flyers survive a scare or two on the PK to keep the game knotted. Jeff Carter actually had two odd-man chances shorthanded but wasn’t able to capitalize.

8:23 - What a play! What a guy! Claude Giroux does it again! JVR sets up a brilliant two-on-one for Giroux and Asham. Giroux holds until the last possible second before dishing to Asham, who buried it between the flailing legs of Hedberg. 2-1 good guys.

8:36 - Reptile makes it a complete birthday! Carcillo takes a good feed from Lapierre late in the shift and stuffs it past Hedberg. 3-1 Flyers as the 2nd Period nears completion.

8:41 - Second period in the books as the Flyers head into the final frame with a 3-1 lead over the southern vampires. No word on if Bill Compton and/or Eric Northman will join Peverley and Co. for the third, but the Thrash have no real life in them right now.

I didn’t even mean for that to be a pun. But I’ll go with it. Especially since this gimmick is getting older much faster than I’d desired

9:00 – The dark arts clearly have taken hold with Atlanta, as Ilya Kovalchuk and his stupid name sniped his 31st goal of the season, making it a one-goal lead for the Flyers. But Philly at least ends up with a PP out of the deal.

9:06 - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WHO FED ATLANTA TRUEBLOOD DURING THE BREAK?!?!?!?!?

Peverley takes a long pass from Kubina and breaks in alone on Emery. He makes good too, using his stupid vampire quickness to beat Razor five-hole. Tie game. Goddamnit. BLADE!  WHERE ART THOU BLADE????!?

9:16 - Flyers looking dominant on their PK right now. They’ve successfully killed off two penalties since the goal from Peverley and haven’t allowed really any scoring chances on either. Way to take that momentum back.

9:21 - Arron Asham absolutely levels Atlanta’s Thorburn with an Edward Norton-in-Fight Club-esque right hand to the ear. Four penalties to four men, no advantage either way. Just some good old rough, fun behavior. Which apparently has a place out of the bedroom as well. Who knew?

9:25 – In the shot of him in the box, Asham looks almost exactly like Fulton Reed of Mighty Ducks fame. And was wringing his right hand from how hard he hit Thorburn. Suck it, Team Edward.

9:28 - The Kane-to-Slater play works again. Kane uses that wrap-around speed to once again confuse the shit out of Ray Emery, allowing Jim Slater to once again bang home a puck into an empty net. WTF ARE YOU DOING EMERY? THEY AREN’T THAT SPARKLY!

9:40 - Flyers kill off a goalie interference penalty on Danny Briere and have 25 ticks left on the clock to tie it. They’re pressing hard, but these situations never seem to go well for the Orange and Black Army. Jim Slater wins player of the game honors for batting pucks into wide-open nets. Ghey.

9:42. And it’s a final. Atlanta makes it two in a row for the first time this decade with a come-from-behind 4-3 victory.

Flyers lose for the first time all season in regulation when leading after two periods, dropping them to 22-1-2.  Fack.

Next game: Saturday vs. Islanders (1 p.m., CSN)

A win that never came.

Johan Hedberg got the start in net for Atlanta, shutting out the Flyers while Rich Peverley got the only tally in Atlanta’s 1-0 victory. But that wasn’t all that went on, oh no.

He may have scored the game’s lone goal, but given his appearance (see previous entry) and his sudden emergence onto the NHL scoring leaders landscape at 27 after being undrafted…well it raises questions.

Serious questions.

Mormon vampire questions.

Since that time, however, Peverley has accumulated all of six goals in two months. SIX. Could it be that his sparkle has lost its luster? Whatsa matter, Richie? Been taking one too many trips into the sunlight? Not pining over your only moderately-attractive mopey human girlfriend enough? Don’t know anyone who both turns into a man-wolf and falls in love with newborns?

No matter how you look at it, it seems the vampire mystique has abandoned Mr. Peverley for the time being.  Which really, really sucks.

Hear me out, it’s not that I want the undead playing against the Flyers. I mean, we do have Blade, after all. But I wanted to have so much fun with this! I planned references from all over the Anne Rice world, Buffy, TrueBlood, everything!

SASSY BLACK GIRL STEREOTYPE DOES NOT PUT UP WITH THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, I came this close to involving Count Count from Sesame Street. Which would have either been an all-time high or low, I’m not sure which.

Spring is right around the corner though, and apparently the homosexual vampires who I’d believed to be assisting Mr. Peverley are too busy playing baseball to focus on hockey for an extended period.

Any chance we can do an outdoor game again?  I think we’d have better luck this time. Just sayin.

Anything to take the taste of Sunday’s penalty-ridden (apparently hugging gets you time in the box? EVERYONE LOVES HUGS, MALKIN!) loss to stupid Pittsburgh works for me, though.

Oh well. At least we’ll have our own Blacula in net tonight. That should count for something, right?

Next Game: Tonight vs. Atlanta (7 p.m., CSN)

In short, the Flyers are 2-1 since Emery returned from injury and look as rejuvenated as their #1 goaltender does. They’re in the midst of a tough four-games-in-six-nights stretch, but that’s made a bit easier by hosting the lowly Hurricanes tomorrow afternoon. If the Flyers can (and they damn well should) top Carolina, they’ll be riding a three-game winning streak (the very definition of a winning streak, according to Lou Brown. Remember: It has. happened. before.) into Sunday’s nationally-televised contest against Pittsburgh and their triumverate of evil.

If the Orange and Black can get me three points out of this stretch, I’ll be happy. They currently sit last in the Atlantic, a mere point behind the………….um, New York Islanders…………...!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!

That’s right, Chris Griffin. But no worries, the Flyers have two games in hand over John Tavares and Co. and should leap-frog them by Sunday’s end. I hope.

Since we’ve got two home games on tap this weekend, it’ll be a good time to head out to the local establishments to enjoy an adult beverage or eight and watch a good old fashioned ice match.

But if you do, remember one very important rule:

Never question Barney Stinson.

Next Game: vs. Carolina (1 p.m., CSN)

The biggest criticism of interwebs journalism is that we’re too negative. Well that and when we’re not writing we’re playing Final Fantasy 7 for the 183rd time before Mom brings down some Tang and Rice Krispies.

At least Tang took the astronauts to the moon. Maybe the Flyers would be well advised to stock up, because the way they played last night…

There’s no clever tie-in needed here. They fucking sucked.

Don’t get me wrong, Toronto is not a team entirely bereft of talent. Despite their awful seasons, I happen to like Phil Kessel and Vesa Toskala a great deal. I think Jonas Gustavsson could really be something in net, provided he can stay out of the hospital. Tomas Kaberle’s freakin stellar. And I even like Matt Stajan as a playmaking center.

That said, Toronto is exactly what their record indicates: Not good. They’re one of the five worst teams in hockey, and that’s when they actually use all their skill players. Last night they brought up Jay Resehill from the AHL simply because they expected it to be a game that evoked memories of Rocky vs. Thunderlips. Which, by the way, is the single worst name for a wrestler ever. Gobbeldy Gooker is a close second.

Come on now, the Leafs have a guy named Jamal on their team. JAMAL! I’d rather lose to a team full of Hogan’s and guys dressed up as fowl. At least we’d know we could recruit Peter Griffin to give us a puncher’s chance.

The war to settle the score

Toskala and his Toronto brethren blanked the Flyers 4-0 last night, and it easily could have been a great deal worse. Paul Bruno of FrozenLeafs.com was dead-on when he talked about the Leafs creating turnovers in the neutral zone, leading to goals off the odd-man rush.

I’d say that describes Flyers hockey perfectly, but usually we’re too busy turning the puck over in our own zone to worry about getting it to center ice.

Gah. We go from being the hottest team in the NHL to dropping a clunker on the road to the freakin’ Maple Leafs. Ponderous. Effing ponderous.

The Flyers now travel to Washington for a Sunday matchup with the Capitals. I hope Ray Emery’s back and that this team remembers the eight-goal gangrape those red-rockers laid on us last time. Without Ovechkin.

I’m so glad I bought a case of Sierra Nevada Celebration. I’m going to need all of it for Sunday. I don’t care if my Monday ends up like this; it’s necessary.

Ah, memories...

Now even though the Eagles deprived me of seeing more shots like this (as well as adding to the Romo legacy of playoff futility), at least one Philadelphia squad proved they’re up to the task of treating Dallas like bitches:

YEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWW

The Flyers tossed the Stars a Texas-sized ass-whooping last night, dropping Dallas by a final of 6-3. Darrell Powe, Ian Laperriere, and Simon Gagne all had a goal and an assist each while Kimmo Timonen added a shorthanded tally. The combined offensive might of the Flyers (sounds weird to say, I know) chased Marty Turco from goal and forced Dallas to turn to Alex Auld. Ask Florida how well that experiment goes.

This followed Saturday’s victory over the Tampa Bay Lightning, so we’ve got something to talk about in Orange and Black Nation. In their last ten games, Philadelphia is 8-1-1, the best record in the National Hockey League over that span.

I know sir, I'm confused as well!

Not Washington. Not Pittsburgh. Not New Jersey. That’d be the Philadelphia Flyers. Not only that, but the Flyers have assumed sole posession of the #7 seed in the Eastern Conference. The Orange and Black have 49 points, one more than Ottawa, Montreal, and the Islanders, all of which they have two games in hand over. They only sit one win back from tying the Rangers and Bruins, the latter of whom has significant issues after losing Marc Savard.

The time for the Flyers to strike is now. They’ll face the lowly Maple Leafs Thursday night in Canada, then come back for a tough Sunday matchup in D.C. against the Capitals. There’s no reason they shouldn’t pick up two points in that span, especially with how well the offense has been clicking of late.

Peter Laviolette says that the Flyers are buying into his system and the results are showing. I’d be hard-pressed to disagree with him. Plus the man looks good in a suit. Almost as good as these guys:

Nothin suits me like a suit!

It’s ok, How I Met Your Mother. We’ll pretend you didn’t rip me off with the Tim Gunn cameo last Monday. It’ll be our little secret.

And the musical number at the end? Magnificent. Even better than the musical number I thought was the best of all time, never to be dethroned:

HI, I'M TROY MCCLURE!

Next Game: Tomorrow @ Toronto (7 p.m., CSN)