Phoolish.com

What Drinking Will Do To You

2010-07-28T13:40:00.006-05:00

Here I present nine animals that have drank various amounts of alchohol, witness the effects, what a grave and urgent warning this is.

6 Beers

2 Glasses of Wine

2 Bottles of Wine - Shared of Course

Too Many Margaritas

3 Kamikazes

7 Rum & Cokes

1 Large Purple Haze

3 Martinis

1 Bottle of Tequila

Weird Purple Soldier Creature Things Have to Catch the Bus Too

2010-07-23T10:41:00.000-05:00

What the Hell, Superman!

2010-07-23T10:35:00.002-05:00

Superman, we don't need to know about your weird fetishes ok?

"I apologize for mis-judging you, darling! Now please hurry up and fix that painting! I don't want to look like this!"

"Ha, Ha! I'll fix it only after I've kissed you! I want to know how it feels to kiss a woman who has a mustache!"

"But of course this imaginary adventure will never happen to Lois...or will it?"

I'm Not Moving, Not Budging an Inch

2010-07-23T10:30:00.000-05:00

This owl is determined.

Dog Bitten By a Rattlesnake

2010-07-23T10:26:00.001-05:00

This dog just looks so sad, and yet also adorable. That is one swollen dogface I'll tell you that.

Terrible Touchdown Celebration

2010-07-23T10:25:00.002-05:00

This just goes wrong on so many levels.

The History of the Beatles

2010-07-23T10:23:00.001-05:00

Emo Guido

2010-07-23T10:21:00.001-05:00

Cheeseburger Pizza

2010-07-23T10:17:00.001-05:00

Oddly enough, this looks delicious.

Tiny Cute Lil Octopus Baby

2010-07-23T10:14:00.001-05:00

Damn teeny-tiny Octopus baby, you’re cute.

19 Hilarious Notes You Don't Want to Miss

2010-07-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

To the person who stole my milk:
You should know that it was breast milk.

Luke
The dog shit another condom!
Please be more careful (unless it's your brother)

I know the Dow just dropped 600 pts. But PLEASE don't eat lunches that are not yours. thnx.

If you're going to have naked pics of your ex on your phone, you might not want to make them your background pic + leave your phone open while you shower! I am going for a walk + you better be the FUCK out of my apt by the time I get back. You're a fucking douche-- SHE'S FUCKING FAT! WTF?

Hi,
My name is Jack I accidentally hit your car & someone saw me so I'm pretending to write down my details.
Sorry.
Jack

Dear customers,
We will be closed untill further notice as the chef can't keep his dick in his pants so we can't any staff to stay. Sorry

Dear God.
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick
Lucy

If you use this microwave and make a mess--
CLEAN IT UP
You're momma don't work here

No glove.
No love.
Love,
Mommy

Hey...
First... asshole(s?) don't eat this. Seriously. See the duct tape? It means fuck off. I mean seriously. You are an astoundingly awful human being and I hate you. My room mates hate you. Nemerov hates you. You are probably the same person who ate Danny's pasta. Or Nick's pizza. Go die. There's a 60% chance one of my [gibberish] dragged their balls through the sauce of this. And yes... I will eat this balls flavored pizza. Because that is how much I absolutely hate you.
Arg... fuck you.
2030

FUCK OFF AND DIE

We know its tradition but please stop peeing here.

If you can read this, stop looking in our window, pervert!

Pool's Closed
Due to AIDS and stingrays (who also have AIDS)

Dear residents of 2412 Fulton..., I was dumpster diving and came across the abundance of porn in your trash. I have a friend who would love to have it. However it is now 7:21 and I will miss breakfast if I don't get to the (peoples) park before 8am there is also only one of me currently so I am borrowing your trash can till late this morning. Please don't be alarmed. I promise to return it.

Dear girls of the 8th floor:
Can you be considerate and wrap up your nasty "sanitary napkins" before you throw them away in the little black basket? I do not want to see your bloody filled pad while Im urinating. Be nice and keep your period to YOURSELF, after all I absolutely hate it when Im on my period so why should you broadcast yours!
Sincerely,
A girl who hates blood
(especially from vagina!)

Don't put your rotting donair pizza in the composter!!
From: The vegan

Where else is it supposed to go, soyfucker?
PS Bacon is life

Do not use!
I spit in this (since someone keeps using it)
Thanks!

I spit in it too!
(since you're a jerk!)

Dear Jessica,
You've asked me to stop writing these letters. You've told me they will never change things between us. But I can't, Jessica. I can't just...let you go. Even Darth Vader, an evil Sith lord, couldn't leave his son to die at the end of "Return of the Jedi."

You make me feel so safe, Jessica. So warm. I want to crawl up inside you. Like Luke Skywalker crawled up inside his tauntaun to protect himself from the sub-zero temperatures of Hoth, where the Rebel Alliance was hiding from the Galactic Empire.

Dear Starbucks (Grant Av/Bush St),
I recently had the chance to poop in your restroom and want to thank you for the experience.

It was an emergency.

However, I must say the room exhibited horrible bathroom Feng Shui.

As a basic rule of thumb try to avoid placing a mirror on the opposing wall of the toilet. The average human does not enjoy looking themselves in the eye whilst pooping.

Especially if it's spicy diarrhea like mine was.

Thanks! ---W.

26 Just Plain Awesome T-Shirts

2010-07-20T10:40:00.003-05:00

Very Bad Dogs

2010-07-20T10:00:00.003-05:00

25 Funny Tombstones

2010-07-20T08:45:00.001-05:00

Cell Phone Tombstone

Ralph Wilson Tombstone - "It is Me"

Scrabble Tombstone - Paul G. Lind

Computer Tombstone

Assman Tombstone - Paul H., Edith D.

Butt Brothers Tombstone - Ralph R. Jr., Roger F.

Shit Happens Tombstone - Edith Tina Barlow

"Faults I May Have - Being Wrong Is not One of Them" Tombstone

World's Greatest Electrician Tombstone - Sal Giardino

Fuck You Tombstone:
Free your body and soul,
Unfold your powerful wings,
Climb up the highest mountains,
Kick your feet up in the air,
You may now live forever,
Or return to this earth,
Unless you feel good where you are.

"Two Things I Love Most, Good Horses and Beautiful Women, and When I Die I Hope They Tan this Old Hide Of Mine and Make It Into a Ladies Riding Saddle, So I Can Rest In Peace Between the Two Things I Love Most"

I Am So Happy Here....I Could Shit Tombstone - George Campbell

Dumfart Tombstone - Maria, Josef

Leopold Fucker Tombstone

Lawrence L. Cook Jr. Tombstone
Ma Loves Pa - Pa Loves Women
Ma Caught Pa, With 2 in Swimmin
Here Lies Pa...

Mel Blank Tombstone "That's All Folks" "Man of 1000 Voices, Beloved Husband and Father"

Merv Griffin Tombstone "I Will Not Be Right Back After These Messages"

Ok Suk Wang Tombstone

Parking Meter Tombstone - Barbara Sue Manire

Rex Tombstone
You were our pride and joy,
until that oriental kid
asked to wok our dog...

Robert Clay Allison Tombstone - "He Never Killed a Man that did not Need Killing"

"Here Lies the Body of Jonathan Blake Stepped On the Gas Instead of the Brake" Tombstone

"I Told You I was Sick" Tombstone - B.P. Roberts

Waldo Tombstone

Yoda Tombstone - Theodore Stanley Scarlett

Great video game cosplay

2010-07-20T08:05:00.002-05:00

Sophitia - Soul Calibur IV

Yuna & Shiva - FF10

Lulu - FF10

Sora - Kingdom Hearts

Faith - Mirror's Edge

Pyramid Head and Nurse - Silent Hill

Alex Mercer - Prototype

Morrigan Aensland - Darkstalkers

Katamari Damacy

Big Sister - Bioshock 2

Samus Aran - Metroid

One-Liners - Page Four

2010-07-19T10:11:00.004-05:00

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There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

Department of Redundancy Department

"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Geez if you believe in honkus.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

We are all prawns in the game of life.

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One-Liners - Page Three

2010-07-19T10:10:00.004-05:00

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Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?

I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming, so look busy.

We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?

Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

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One-Liners - Page Two

2010-07-19T10:09:00.004-05:00

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I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Can a blind person feel blue?

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

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One-Liners - Page One

2010-07-19T10:06:00.004-05:00

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I bet you I could stop gambling.

I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

I can't get enough minimalism.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!"

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!"

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Contents may have settled out of court.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?

I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

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9 Hilarious and Real Yard Signs

2010-07-19T09:57:00.004-05:00

Most people hear “yard sign,” and immediately think of those flimsy paper signs used to support someone’s political campaign. Every few years someone comes knocking on your door wanting to put a sign in your front yard. But sometimes people put signs in their yards to be smartasses, advertise a product, or just out of spite. Check it out.

1.

Look, we’re all entitled to believe in what we want. You believe in the right to bear arms? Great. You don’t? Great.

Hopefully, if you don’t believe in the right to bear arms you don’t live next door this guy. Otherwise, you’re screwed!

2.

Upon first glance, someone might think this was some dude trying to sell off his ex-wife. I’m not the only one who thought that, right?

Then there’s the possibility that maybe the ex-wife was selling off all her husband’s belongings as an act of revenge. Either way, the fact that this simple sign has made me contemplate the contents being sold is a total win.

3.

This woman might be onto something. Public embarrassment may actually be the ultimate form of revenge. Forget the ever popular stalking or resorting to violence. Just publically state the facts!

Big props to the “devoted wife,” for actually dishing out money to create this sign. The impact of the sign is maximized by the slick design. If the sign was just slapped together with markers and poster board, it wouldn’t be nearly as impressive.

4.

Who else thinks that if this person had a home on Halloween, they’d also leave a sign that says “Candy. Please take ONLY ONE!” Remember those houses? I hated those houses.

At least this person is honest that they’re too lazy to panhandle, which means they’re too lazy to work… hence the need to panhandle. It all came full circle.

5.

Wait. What? So many questions. So little time.

What were the cows used for? Are the cows in good condition? How much does a used cow go for these days? Is there an equivalent to the Kelly Blue Book value to determine the worth of a used cow?

6.

Alright, maybe not the“funniest” yard sign ever created, but it does pose a few questions.

How many pirates live on land and advertise that they are there? Are there pirates in suburbia? What will they do if someone steps on their front yard? Make them walk the plank into their in-ground 8 foot deep pool that is surrounded by exotic plants purchased from Home Depot?

7.

Ahhh, here we go. The “try and true” method of threatening those that dare to do anything to your precious lawn.

Aren’t you scared of the repercussions for dropping something on their “lown,” even though it is completely “against lawn?”

Worst that can happen is that they’ll berate you with improper grammar… right? Besides, what are they really going to do? Carry dog poop to the police? Evidence! I can has it!

8.

Whoops. Not a yard sign, but a good one nonetheless. Upon seeing this picture, one may immediately started singing “Ironic,” by Alanis Morrisette.

In defense of the sign, it seems to be doing its job. Look how empty that second lane is! Not congested at all!

9.

There’s always some truth in advertising. “It’s better to tell the truth,” they say. However, one has to wonder how many inquiries to purchase the house were actually put forth knowing that they’d potentially be living next door to an a&%hole.

Conan O’Brien’s Love/Hate Relationship with the Internet

2010-07-19T09:50:00.001-05:00

Back in January Conan O’Brien was supposed to come to San Francisco for a SF Sketchfest Tribute and Q&A about his career. And then, he lost his dream job as he said, “shit really hit the fan” and he had to cancel. He finally made good on that gig last night at the Herbst Theatre in San Francisco, and it was far more revealing than his 60 Minutes interview. I’d gone expecting to hear an “Inside the Actor’s Studio” style retrospective. What we got instead was more than three hours of O’Brian, Patton Oswalt and Andy Richter drinking heavily on stage and talking about how the Internet has utterly ripped the media business in two over the course of their careers.

“Those men behind the curtain—the great and powerful Oz—are scared shitless right now,” O’Brien said, adding that the chaos is so high that anyone in the audience could just as likely be running a major network in a few years. O’Brien opened by saying he was choosing to see opportunity in the volatility in his business, but over the next few hours it was clear that it wasn’t that simple.

What O’Brien went through with NBC was a more public version of hundreds of conversations I’ve had over the last ten years with people in old-media, music, independent book stores, and travel agencies—especially people who are mid-career and young enough to want to disrupt things, but old enough and have paid enough dues that it somehow feels unfair when the industry is ripped out from under their feet. To me, this three-hour out-pouring of enthusiasm for the future mixed with nostalgia of the past was like any conversation I used to have when I still worked in old media newsrooms. I wish he’d been this frank in his network interview—because this is the everyman story of the Web’s disruption. If it hasn’t happened to your industry yet—wait. It will.

If I could just embed a raw bootleg video, I’d end this post here. But given the theme of the evening, it was sad but somehow not surprising that SF Sketchfest emphasized several times that no video or photos were allowed—a contrast to O’Brien’s comedy tour when he welcomed fans to record and do whatever they wanted with the footage. That means these raw, authentic confessions and advice to the younger creative generation can’t run on the platforms where audiences would most appreciate them.

So here are my highlights instead. (I wasn’t taking notes, so I’m paraphrasing here.)

Just How Much Has Changed: O’Brien talked about when he got the Late Night Show job in 1993. He was so unknown that no one could find a photo of him to run with the news story. Imagine: No TwitPic, no Facebook profile image, no Flickr—nothing. Newspapers ran a gritty image they snapped from the television screen instead. And it took him several days to get a photo together to send out.

Today, anyone with his level of experience at the time would have thousands of clips from YouTube, from tried-and-failed cable shows, live video from standup gigs, maybe an appearance from a Funny or Die skit, not to mention thousands of images online. On the one hand, he said it had opened up opportunity for funny people everywhere, especially women, African Americans and other minorities that don’t get as many plum jobs in the entertainment world. But on the other hand, if he were up for that job today, he admits there’s so much competition he probably wouldn’t have been given a shot.

Cream Rises…or Does It? O’Brien made the point repeatedly that “cream rises to the top” online and that if you consistently put out funny stuff, you’ll start getting paid to write or perform funny stuff. But he also talked about how the Web and the reality TV/ Paris Hilton generation had set a precedent that you could be famous not for any talent, but just for making a spectacle of yourself.

He cut himself off talking about the latter, saying he was trying hard not to be judgmental—but this is clearly an idea with which he struggles. He talked about kids coming up to him and saying they were going to be on his show one day and when he asked what they did they said “nothing,” but they were “going to be huge.” He said a few decades ago if someone had said that to David Letterman or Johnny Carson the answer would have been that they sing, dance, act or something.

Success Was Being Left Alone. When O’Brien first took over Late Night the network wanted to put him on a week-to-week contract. He fought back and got a series of 13-week contracts. He and his staff did their job with the feeling that the anvil could fall at any moment. But because no one had much hope pinned on the show, they were largely ignored and allowed to do whatever they wanted. They’d throw stuff out there, and if it worked it did, if not, they’d throw more stuff out the next day. The contrast to his practically non-existent honeymoon period on the Tonight Show is obvious.

Here’s the good thing about a Web-distributed entertainment world—there’s a lot more of the former because the gate keepers are disrupted. It’s no longer an age where there are only three networks. If you want to entertain people and do good work, there a million steps in between all and nothing.

Developing a Thick Skin Is Bullshit. O’Brien said the biggest thing that held him back from both writing and performing was a fear of being criticized because he’s incredibly sensitive. He punched a big hole in one of the biggest clichés in fame—that you just have to develop a thick skin. He says he’s still just as sensitive and criticism still hurts just as much. The secret is to just keep going anyway, because you will get criticized no matter how brilliant you are.

This is clearly something that’s gotten more pronounced in a Web age, but there may be a silver lining to that. In a time when every video, photo, blog post and Tweet can easily be trashed by others, people learn that criticism is inevitable early on.

Longevity Is the Most Overrated Thing on TV. O’Brien talked about how people on TV measure success in how many years their show runs, and that he thinks that’s the wrong metric. It’s not about how many people watch you for how long, it’s about the connection you have with those people, he said. To anyone in the room, this was clearly heartfelt. I’ve heard O’Brien in interviews before the Tonight Show debacle, and he always seemed glib and jokey—almost to the point of insincere. But last night—and I’ve heard during his comedy tour—he was raw, clearly shaken by what happened with NBC and clearly touched by the outpouring of support he got from fans, enabled largely by social media.

He said several times how much people loving his work enough to support him – even if that support was a mere two-second Tweet for “Team Coco”—meant to him and how it kept him going. He clearly didn’t want to leave the stage. He threw the clock off the table when he sat down asking why there was a time limit, and towards the end sat on the edge of the stage taking questions from the audience long after they’d said they would take “just one more question.”

The evening was billed as a tribute to O’Brien, but he turned it into a tribute to his fans connected around the world by social media instead.

Video: The greatest corporate viral marketing campaign ever

2010-07-19T08:22:00.003-05:00

We’re a couple of days late to this but the sheer ingeniousness of it warrants a thread. Everyone recognizes the Old Spice Guy from the Super Bowl, right? Okay. As a marketing stunt, management decided to put him together with a camera crew, a writing team, and some social-networking nerds and solicit questions from readers on Twitter, Facebook, etc. In rat-a-tat fashion, they wrote, recorded, and uploaded their responses to YouTube as quickly as they could — and ended up with 87 of them in the course of three days. As word got around, they started getting questions from George Stephanopoulos, Demi Moore, Perez Hilton, and so forth; many of the clips received several hundred thousand views and the grand finale is already over a million. The goodwill and celebrity buzz they earned from such a fast, inexpensive display of humor and tech-savvy is off the charts. It’s a master stroke, to the point where I wonder whether any other company will have the stones to mimic them. So identified will this particular genre of ‘Net marketing now be with Old Spice that any emulation will seem like a rip-off.

If you want to poke through the clips, click here and then click “Old Spice | Responses” in the right-hand sidebar. That’ll bring up a sidebar menu of the complete collection (in reverse chronological order). Here’s his series with Alyssa Milano, who got sufficiently into it that she ended up recording her own video response. Like I say, ingenious.
Update: This guy’s not bad either.
Update: Did I say the Super Bowl? I meant the day after the Super Bowl, of course(!).

Light Bulbs

2010-07-16T16:24:00.002-05:00

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.

How many dieters does it take to change a light bulb? If it's "light", what could be better?

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they only screw in hot tubs.

How many first trumpets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: one to screw it in, one to push the ladder out from under him, and one to say how he could have done both jobs so much better.

How many NASCAR drivers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they can only go left.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? Change? Why change?

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, let her do the dishes in the dark.

How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? I just found a new recipe for Egg Salad!

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they must all be in agreement that the lightbulb must be changed to increase efficiency.

How many Ska kids does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to drop it, and one to "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you should have seen the size of that lightbulb!

How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to scratch his butt, one to order the wrong part and one to tell you it won't be here until Tuesday.

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, buddy, if you keep buggin' me, I'm gonna rip you a new one!

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it might take all day.

How many whales does it take to change a light bulb? Since we're saving the whales, why not save the bulb too?

How many dadaists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

How many jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Don't worry, I'll just sit here in the dark.

How many mice does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb? 1.67

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? None. If you're having trouble with the bulb, it could be the socket, which may cause you problems in the future. Therefore, we should remove the socket.

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None, make her cook in the dark.

How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb? Five: while Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five, one to change it and four to make the documentary about it.

How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? One two! One two! One two!

How many Blackberry users does it take to change a light bulb? Farm.

How many Paul Reveres does it take to screw in a light bulb? One if by hand, two if by feel.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes three bulbs.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to complain that it's electric.

How many salesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? (pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the new bulb, and three to talk about how much they'll miss the old one.

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? One.

How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? None, Pampers don't come in a size that small.

How many beer makers does it take to change a light bulb? About one third less than for a regular bulb.

How many prisoners does it take to change a light bulb? How many packs of cigarettes will you give them?

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

How many help-desk employees does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmmm. The bulb works fine in my office.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oh my GOD! Like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two thirds.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to get an Evian, and one to call Daddy.

How many Florida residents does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows, they're still counting.

How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? You cannot change a light bulb. By nature, it will go out again.

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, no! The bulb's out? Sell my GE stock NOW!!

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let their wives do it.

How many help-desk employees does it take to change a light bulb? May I suggest you read the manual?

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Change?

How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they like to cry in the dark.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? None. They bake pies.

How many administrative assistants does it take to change a light bulb? None. It won't be changed until you fill out form #3422V - the light bulb change request form.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.000000000000000000000.

How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb? Are you callin' my wife a whore?

How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? Several. One writes the action plan, the rest arrange a symposium "Coping with Darkness".

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes ten years.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to hold the ladder.

How many pimps does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? Interesting question, what do YOU think?

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.

How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts.

How many bodybuilders does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to do it and two to say, "You're looking huge, man!"

How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hit man to club the other skater on the knee.

How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes them three visits.

How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to screw it in, and two to help him down off the keg.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Six. Why? IT JUST DOES, OKAY??!!

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete, pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? The bicycle's broken.

How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.

How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.

How many goths does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer everything dark.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Sixteen. One to change it, and fifteen to form a support group.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny, pig.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he has to wait until the light is better.

How many art students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he gets two credits.

How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I'll have to check on that and get back to you.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the ladder, and one to change the penis - I mean, er, ah...light bulb.

How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it really gets screwed.

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four, one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb? None, they are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.

How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fifteen. One to hold the bulb, and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, Daddy!

How many kids on Ritalin does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, let's go ride bikes!

One. How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll? Who knows? It's never happened!

Bad Interviews

2010-07-16T15:41:00.002-05:00

These are true stories of interviews gone very, very wrong.

An applicant said she was a "people person", not a "numbers person", in her interview for an accounting position.

Candidate told the interviewer that he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss.

Applicant smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room.

One candidate asked for a cup of water, took a sip, swished it around in his mouth, and spat into a potted plant.

Prospect said, "Seven handicapped parking spaces next to the front door? What, are you having a wheelchair convention or something?"

When asked if he had experience with a certain programming language, the interviewee said, "I don't know, is it on my resume?" while leaning over attempting to look at his own resume.

Interviewee leaned back in the chair, put his feet on the desk and proceeded to tell me how he wanted more money than the position offered but didn't really like to work very much, so he'd need Fridays off and only wanted to work 4-5 hours the rest of the days.

Candidate left his cell phone on and took a call during the interview.

Applicant asked to see the resume of the interviewer to see if the personnel executive was qualified to interview him.

Candidate walked to interview on a hot day, and interviewed while sweating profusely.

Interviewee brought a friend (without confirming first), mentioned her friend was a drug addict so would definitely have to stick around "for a few paychecks".

Interviewee told me he'd worked at a gym and said he had a problem cleaning up the blood and semen in the saunas.

Candidate texted on cellphone during the interview.

Prospect reeked of alcohol.

Huge drop of drool came out of candidate's mouth while listening to a question.

Candidate wore shorts and sandals, and a baseball cap.

When asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell the interviewer, the applicant said, "Well, ma'am, I ain't never killed nobody before."

One applicant sang all the responses to the interview questions.

One candidate, when asked if he was ever convicted of a felony, responded, "No, I was not convicted, I pled guilty."

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

During the interview, an alarm clock went off in the applicant's briefcase. He apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

Some strange things said by applicants during the interview:

"I would be a great addition to your softball team."

"I figure if I can get a few months experience here then I can get the job I REALLY want (at competitor)."

"I never get hungry."

"I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."

"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."

"My legs are really hairy."

"I think I'm going to throw up."

"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Your company has nice benefits. That's good because I am going to take a lot of leave this year."

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

"I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movements."

"At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."

"I feel uneasy indoors."

"I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."

"I get excited very easily."

"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."

"I need the position because I want to get away from dealing with people."

"I am fascinated by fire."

"I like tall women."

"Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex."

"People are always watching me."

"If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."

"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."

"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."

"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."

"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."

Real Insurance Claims

2010-07-16T15:35:00.002-05:00

These are actual statements given to claims adjusters. Have fun!

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

Going to work this morning, I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.

I realized the engine was on fire from the smoke under the hood. I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman...as he bounced off the roof of my car.

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road, causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.