Photos, Paper, & Life. . .

So this happened, a while ago, but still #life

2016-06-05T19:19:00.002-05:00

Wake up at three am to the disappointment of a child's brother telling me that said child didn't get money from the tooth fairy, but the tooth is now missing. Woken up five minutes later by not only said child's brother but THEE child himself informing me that I forgot to text the tooth fairy and he really wanted me to do it right now if it wasn't too late.

Happy frickin Wednesday, kids, this is off to a great start.

Alarm goes off at 5:30, and earlier reported young men have now become claimable by discussing issues with me at a relevant hour of the morning. Morning procedures commence while I have an inner struggle urging me to get into the warm shower immediately so I can get my boys off to the appropriate places and I can proceed to work early. That glimmer of hope blew away as I attempted to find clothes to fit my skinny one day, bloated the next, gained some/lost some figure and then followed by my saddened dog shaking and refusing to go to his kennel.

Gabe has made it on the bus and Graham had been dropped off to his dad's house to go to school from there, now - work! Well, school. What's supposed to be my happy place.

I don't quite remember how I started my day, but I do know it was an in office, door closed kind of morning but did include chatting and encouragement with my blessed friend.

Then it's off to the races with students and staff, rushing from location to location completing compelling lessons to encourage students to become learners of our society, all the while filling every spare second with the required paperwork. Completing legal documents around my ten minutes of lunch shared with my coworker in the padded confines of my less than plush school office. Twisting and turning, extinguishing fires and building scaffolds of learning and then.........

A fire drill. Ten minutes of unstructured, but routine moments to get a break but make me late for my next student.

Ten Long Years + 3

2014-09-24T21:44:00.002-05:00

It seems like just yesterday, but in all actuality it has been 13 years since I last felt the touch of my mother's skin. Although her life was nothing like anything in the musical/movie RENT, I am constantly thinking of the song Seasons of Love.

May she be joyfully celebrating her eternal life, my mom, Nancy Jo Doepping Hardesty 10/20/1951-12/29/2001

I have been working on this post off and on for over three years. With people all around me losing someone close to them, it's easy to shovel out advice on how to grieve, and get through. But, that advice is worth the paper it's written on, or in this case the price of the blog you read. I have found that everyone grieves differently. People say there are seven stages in grief, and that you can go through all of them at different times and go back through them, too. Ya' know what I haven't found though, the expiration date on grief!

Grief has no expiration date. It doesn't end within a set time period. There are still times that I experience immense grief over the loss of my mother, 13 years later. Two weekends ago, it hurt like it was yesterday. Today, I'm fine. I have found that there are triggers in life that spark the emotions and memories to flare and the desire to just hear her voice....one.more.time....

Say What??

2013-09-12T11:02:00.004-05:00

Sitting here recuperating from mono, and I come to the realization that I am going to have to make some life changes....again. Ugh... From what the ever-so-wonderful doc (did you read the sarcasm in that, cuz, I totally wrote it with it dripping in sarcasm....where is the sarcasm font, anyway?) said, I am not allowed to exercise for a month. She-who-shall-not-be-named also mentioned that I will be more fatigued for up to two months after mono has left my lymph nodes. Many people know that I do not lead a life that is slow, relaxed and easy - I love a life full of family, fun and it is fast paced.

Times, they are a changing...

So - back to the goal centered life...with a twist. Previously, I had goals about self-improvement that were, dare I say, vain? I don't know, but these goals are more about life in general and making it a little more easier. Not focused on weight loss (although, in a few months, maybe December, lol, I will be picking that goal back up!), these goals will be focusing on making sure I have less stress and an all around healthier life-style.

1. Sundays - worship, groceries and prepared for the week. Probably sneak a family visit in there, but really, maybe not. This is the best way that I can see for a great start to a week. Having the clothes that I'd like to wear ready for the week, having the clothes ready for the week for the boys and having the groceries bought and put away for the week. In the ideal world - this will make life wonderful.

2. Meals - pre-planned. This way, I can go to the store on Sunday and get everything and get it ready for what needs to happen. Me and that crock pot are gonna be best buds again...sigh. Guess that's next...

3. Recipes....Yuck, I hate cooking! But, with the challenge of making myself, and my family, a lot healthier, I have got to do this. Here's to as clean of eating as I can do.

4. Sleep. Yeah, I want sleep. I am going to have to break my habits of late nights and sleeping late in the mornings to early nights and getting up and eating breakfast. So, early to bed, early to rise and let's hope this girl becomes healthy, wealthy, and wise!!

Four goals....let's see how I progress on these and then we shall go from there.

Music

2013-09-05T06:35:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how music can fill the soul, speak the mind and revitalize the spirit.

After sitting here in bed with mono for over a week, you'd think I'd do some thinking.....well, finally I have. It's interesting, how thoughts travel. An acquaintance of mine is heading off to go big into music and I wanted to share a few thoughts on music and how it has been a therapy to me.

Music has always been one of those happy spots for me. Typically, my house is filled with music. Pandora and I are pretty close, I have a few channels of music - but my go to fav's are one of three choices (an Eric Church channel, a kid's channel, and a Christian music channel). This is all post major-life change. Pre-major life change, music had fizzled out for me and I didn't have it to rejuvenate me.

I sing. I love to sing. I come alive singing. My soul fills when singing. But you may never hear me sing. I, at random times, will burst into song, but you may never hear more than a few bars of music. I have always been a little shy with my voice (which hopefully is changing). I have a song that is my go to "happy hum song," in a church, you'll hear me sing praises with joy. More recently, you'll hear me sing with my sweetheart and his guitar. If I'm not too awestruck at the moment.

After my major life change, one of the most important things I wanted to get back into my life was music. Here's where an acquaintance comes in. I don't know who introduced me to this person and his sound first. My friend Jamie had me listen to some tracks of his off the internet, and my friends Kate & John met me out a few times where he was performing with a relative. I'm just gonna admit it, I came alive again. It was like therapy. Jamie and I would go see him, Kate and I would go see him and then when another Kate and I started hanging out - we saw him every Thursday night for a while - we'd follow him! It was like therapy, he'd play from his soul, my soul became healed and stronger. Early on in this strange following, I met his wife - whom I think is awesome - and we'd dance. I'd always ask her to sing - it's like I could almost see myself singing when she was up there, baring her spirit for us all to see.

I'd like to think that LeaAnne and Billy have become friends of mine. They have certainly been an integral part of change in my life. It's amazing how people could never know the impact they've had on another's life. They assisted in re-igniting the fire in me. The music healed the hurt and anger. The infectious smiles from both of them made my smile happen more often. I looked forward to seeing them, hearing Billy's music, filling my life with friends, happiness and "good times."

Since this time, I must admit, that my followings have dwindled. Seeing Billy play and dancing with LeaAnne isn't a need I have to fulfill anymore. Those needs for igniting that fire have been met. Music is still with me. I frequently dance in my kitchen with my sons or my amazing man. Soon, again, it will be the seasons where things slow down, and I will be moved by music coming from a guitar in my living room, being played by the man who has stolen my heart.

The importance, though, of this: to thank someone, before they "go big." Billy Jones is on his road to success with a band, Hoosier Highway. Find them on iTunes. Find them on the road. Listen to them, support them. Share their music. Billy is an amazingly talented musician, and the band is too. Beyond that, Bill & LeaAnne are people, who just by living their lives, have made positive differences in others. Cheers to them and the success of HH.

The Journey to Diagnosis

2013-04-01T20:30:00.000-05:00

A few years back, in April, a friend asked how we had gotten my son diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I told her that I would share that journey one day. Truly I had hoped to do it before now; however, with the life being so hectic, I just didn't know how to write it. We'll see how I do with it now. And I'm guessing that this will be a multiple part blog.....so here's attempt number one...

Gabriel was an easy baby. He was induced with pitosin and evicted naturally out of the womb with IV drugs only. He was jaundice, so much so that I think any other pediatrician would have put him in a blanket contraption. But Gabe truly was an easy baby. He smiled easily, laughed often and was easily contented. His lullaby put him to sleep almost every night with ease. I bragged about him eating almost everything, nursing like a champ and sleeping wonderfully! Going through the stages, I really don't remember any major problems with physical development, motor issues, but speech was another issue.

As a mom who is fluent in sign language, I exposed him early to signs. Typically, by six months normally developing children start signing. Well, Gabe didn't follow the typically developing child in this area. I thought to myself, huh, that's odd - but didn't really think a lot about it because I didn't know if I was doing ENOUGH to have him start signing back to me. After turning one and starting to babel a little, I got excited and tried to get him to communicate and get those verbal skills working!

Here's where my problems started. Notice I say, "my." I started noticing that Gabe was almost delayed in his speech and language production. With me teaching the Deaf & Hard of Hearing, I'm around speech pathologists all the time and am friends with quite a few of them. So, each one I knew, I asked what the deal is. And I got the same response, "Melissa, he is a boy, and he's within the normal range. Quit worrying! He's fine!" Love them all, because it made me feel good, and they were right - he was within the normal range and being a boy, he could have been later on the normal range than what he was. Trusting my friends and intelligent colleagues, I quit worrying.

Then it was the next school year and my kid was just plain weird! I remember sitting in a speech clinicians office at school and crying during one of our lunch gatherings, because my kid was developing wonderfully, but he was weird. I explained to my friend that my Gabriel at almost three years old was talking in paragraphs. When he did something, he held out until he really knew how to do it and then went full force. He didn't stay at the one and two word utterances like he was supposed to - he went to sentences and then jumped into paragraphs. I told them the story about how my aunt and uncle were watching Gabe, and he asked, "Where are my parents?" Not, "where's mommy and daddy," not "where's my momma," not an easy child-like thing to say - oh, no, it's skips right to the college educated kid, "where are my parents?" So this time, my speech friend kind of giggled and laughed. I was worried because my child who has college educated parents is speaking above the level of other children his age. That's ludicrous! Why would someone worry about that? Well, because I'm kinda a worrier, lol. So, my loving friend encouraged me to question my doctor about it since I am so worried......

Funny enough, it worked out that Gabe had some minor sickness and was in to our family's MD in the next few weeks. His dad took him in, and I urged him to inform the doctor about his speech patterns and level of expressive vocabulary, his skipping around in speech development. I plagued Gabe's dad to death about how worried I was over this miniscule thing. And, with full confidence that this would be addressed, they went into the doctor's office. The family MD is a wonderful guy and was nagged at by Gabe's dad about Gabe's language development; listing off everything on my list, however, the doctor saw no indication for concern. In fact, Gabriel was complimented for aforementioned language development, due to his statement of, "Can I have a lollipop, please, Dr. INSERT NAME HERE" By this point, I was done being concerned....all of my speech friends had been supportive and encouraging me that there were no problems, and now the doctor agrees there are no problems.

This is where I will stop on this post and say, "To be continued........."

Lost to Found

2013-01-28T22:21:00.001-06:00

Hello? Hello? Where have you been this past year?

I have been looking back over the past year and, although everyone goes through a lot, I've been through a lot. There's been nothing major, no news worthy events, no marriage, child, or death - just life. I'm very much a girl who loves her quotes about life and lives through them. Thanks to Dad and Grandma H. the deepest, strongest motto of my life has to be, "Life isn't fair, so learn to live with it!" That motto can be spoken in so many ways and is soooooooooo true. Once that's learned, there are so many more things to learn and accept and in the past twelve months - I have. Learned. Accepted. Wow. So - to sum it up in my style, let's do some through quotes/sayings/cliche's.

Happiness is not a destination, it is a way of life - or it is your journey. Although I have always known that happiness is not a place - not an end mark- not a location that you go to visit, it has been odd to find out how living a certain way, having positive habits and learning to love who you are is the way of life that makes happiness.

I'm coming to find out that part of the way of life of happiness includes being confident in your decision making processes, accepting your failures/faults, picking yourself up and moving on. I sincerely believe in being a humble person; however, I do believe that you have to be proud of yourself, your choices and who you have walking with you in life to have this happiness we speak of. Being happy is a choice, and includes who you have along with you on your journey. No, those people cannot be your happiness, but they can impact it, positively or negatively, by their actions on your path.

Music has been huge constant in my life. Pandora is like a heart beat in my house. It's constantly doling out the most recent addiction of music to uplift my soul and sing to my spirit. It ranges from Christian, country, seasonal, Adele, musicals and children's stations. Music brings out strong emotions and just completely revitalizes me. It's a part of me that I just can't put aside - ever. Never....never again will it stray from me.

I truly believe that there is a reason behind all the many things that I have endured, experienced, happily dealt with, and gone through. All of these things have prepared me for an unknown that is yet to come. And I believe this all because of this bible verse:

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Now - the last cliche for the night...

Considering I learn and grow from experiences, daily, it is my hope that the best of my life is still coming. Especially now that I have found so much of myself again. Life is about constant discovery and rediscovery and finding out who and how you are. Taking every day and learning from it. Taking all of your experiences and moving forward with the knowledge it gave you...

So, for my life - the best is yet to be.

Insecurities

2012-06-13T21:41:00.000-05:00

So, I'm just wondering a little bit about insecurities.... I'm hoping everyone has at least one...I know I have a bazillion.

So, my best friend, Webster, defines insecurity as being not confident or unsure (among a few others, of course, because Webster is good like that, you know?). Interestingly enough, Webster also comments that insecure can mean not guarded enough. I'm taking a connection to both of those definitions and wanted to divulge a little quandary of mine.

I AM insecure, and I know it. I am also confident, and I know it. Is that an oxymoron? I'd like to explain.

My insecurities are not in myself; however, they are in what others think of me, how others react to me. Let's take, for example, a dating scenario. Dating isn't for the weak and insecure, it could seriously make a person batty (ha ha, I thought of you, K.). Two people meet and know nothing about each other - they don't know rituals, routines, wants, desires, needs, habits, lifestyles, preferences, likes, dislikes, etc. These two people find a physical attraction, hit it off and start dating. And so begins a bucket full of insecurities (I hope I'm not alone in thinking this) when one person starts to fall....like fall in like, or like fall in to wanting a person more, or one might say, begin to fall in love. I start to wonder and over analyze what the silence is, why did that person say that, do they understand my crazy wild sarcasm, what did they mean by that comment, is this the beginning of the end??????

Even in friendships, new and old, these insecurities (at least for me, that is) can find a way to push into the relationship. Friendships are ever-changing, they grow, and are fueled by need, but maintained by a desire to consistently communicate with that person. But as they ebb and flow, so begins a bucket full of insecurities....

Given these insecurities, I still am confident. I know that I am "worth-it" to some people. I know that I am a good person. I am confident that I am a good friend, and am confident and happy with who I am. I don't think I am the best, don't think me cocky....just comfortable knowing I am of value, not riches, but value.

Why, Hello 34

2012-03-20T22:23:00.001-05:00

I guess I have to embrace you, 34. I guess, since you're here, I have to take you in stride. I guess, I'll celebrate....

34= my favorite number plus 20 years
34= years of life experiences I cannot let go of (good and bad)
34= 18 years of living with my parents and add in a few summers after that
34= 23 years with a loving mother, 10 years missing her
34= 12 years of teaching kids I adore
34= almost 9 years of being a parent
34= 1/2 of my life knowing sign language
34= having had a different last name for a while
34= less than one year of adult dating
34= the blessings of a wonderful family
34= a life long love of music
34= a desire to live life to its fullest
34= a brother who's 40!! (ha ha, E, I love you!)
34= older cousins who I look up to, respect, and love
34= younger cousins who I look up to, respect and love
34= having wisdom and knowledge that you don't know all there is to know
34= many mistakes and errors
34= many wonderful and unforgettable memories
34= learning experiences daily

34= cheers to many more...

Prepare yourself!

2012-02-28T21:13:00.000-06:00

I found this lovely little piece on Pinterest and thought I could have written it myself....

There comes a point in time where you have to be realistic, yep, even me. I have baggage. I talk incessantly (for those of you who know me - stop laughing), and then talk even more when I'm nervous. I do laugh at the stupidest and weirdest things, my sense of humor is, in my opinion, pretty awesome, lol. My family is amazing and intense. My appetite is either HUGE or nonexistent & make myself eat for the sheer necessity of sustenance. I have musical outbursts like crazy that are randomly annoying for people who aren't used to it - I really only know catch phrases from most songs and I LOVE love LOVE to sing.... I dance, we dance, I dance. I dance in the car (don't worry, I'm safe, well, most of the time), I dance in the classroom, I dance down the hallway, I dance with my own boys, I dance with just about anyone. I love to do good-luck kicks down the hallway! My friends are, well, just like my family, are my everything. I would do anything for any of them in a heartbeat, even at my own expense. Tears....well, you'll only get tears on a rare occasion and they'll be reluctant - but when you do get them, consider yourself amazing. My imagination is wild-crazy-fun! I have an imagination that competes with a child's. My dreams (well, not the night time ones, I never remember those) my dreams are enormous. My dreams will not be achieved until after I'm dead and gone....I never want to stop dreaming. Walks in the rain, together time - any chance I can have! Random texts.....hahahahahahaha, just thinking of some of the CRAZY texts I've sent. They absolutely crack me up with their randomness. Useless arguments, I have to admit it, I'm guilty of them, but most times I come out laughing. The real me....sometimes is a mess.

Though all of these things I think can be positive and I am happy and proud of, there are other things (don't you wish I'd tell you) that I just won't mention, that aren't so positive that everyone has, those skeletons in the closet. Soooooo, I guess now that everyone reading this has been forewarned, I have to prepare myself to find that person who is going to appreciate all these crazy things and take me for who I am.

I once read that when you are "on the lookout" you shouldn't waste time. You should be bettering yourself and preparing yourself to find that person. Making sure you aren't a public nose-picker or something crazy. Making sure your eating habits wouldn't mar the life of your future date. Making sure your everyday apparel won't scare off even the most laid-back prospect out there. That is what I'm doing right now. Although, I am not looking anywhere, I am working on becoming the person that will be desired by a person who will accept and take on who I am.

Regrets - do you have any?

2012-02-25T16:13:00.000-06:00

Regret: what's your definition?

One of my philosophies in life is to live without regret. To me, regret means you'd rather have not had that experience in life, it means that you didn't learn from the mistake you've made, it means you would never "do it again, if you had your life to re-live."

I have to tell you there are some crazy-stupid things I've done in my past, long ago and oh-so-recent. I think my stupidest thing might have been a recent attack I had with some glass, or first guy I dated after my divorce. Stupid, dumb, not so bright, however you choose to describe them, they are the actions of my life, I wouldn't be who I am at this instance without them. Each of these actions have made me a little bit wiser in the way of the world, even though I am not proud, I have learned.

Someone asked me if I regret getting married, when I did, to who I did, those choices I made. I don't regret getting married to my ex at all. I don't regret the ups and downs in our marriage or the choices leading up to marriage or divorce. I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be wise in the ways I am, I wouldn't be as strong, I wouldn't be who he helped me to become.

There are sure to be more things in life I will do that are not viewed as the best choice, or things I will have to apologize for; however, I refuse to regret. I refuse to not learn and become stronger from these things.

This is my point of view, my opinion, and, like anything else in this world, I could be wrong. But this is the way I choose to live my life. How you live your life is your choice...but I hope you live a life where you have no regrets.

Wowza

2012-02-19T22:12:00.001-06:00

There are times in life that you definitely experience a learning curve at a greater level than at other times. Now don't get me wrong, I am a believer of learning something new everyday, however as of late, I feel like I am almost learning something new every waking moment. I am learning how intelligent about the ways of the world truly was. Her legacy lives on by what she spoke, how she acted, and her life's work.

ahhhh, to be schooled by her was wonderful...

I was texting a recent interesting person and sent him one of my favorite quips from my grandmother: "Missy is Missy, Mandi is Mandi and Margaret is Margaret. People are people, and I'm people!"

What a wise woman she was..."Gram" had so many, many little sayings she used and applied to life so many different times and I love them. She meant this one in respect to each of us being different, taking different paths, making choices that others may not agree with. I cannot agree more with her wisdom. We would often sit and think about the world, and if we only ruled the world how different things would be, but that others may not agree with our decisions. There's always someone unhappy. There's always people who don't understand and agree with you or you with them. In the past six months I have had to accept this more than I'd like to admit.

I have struggled so much with other peoples' choices and understanding why and trying to accept and not judge their choices. It's been difficult, but I must say at this point I have accepted.

Currently, I am looking at this statement where, I need to admit that, "I am people!" Decisions, life choices, actions, happenings, whatever it may be, not everyone is going to be on the same page. And, no, it's not the attitude of "I don't care," that I want to explore, it is the idea that I make off-the-wall decisions just like everyone else. Again, I don't want to say I don't care what you think, because I actually do care. And, I don't want to say that all of my decisions are right - because, HELLO, they aren't...lol, I wish they were... I want to explore the idea of, right or wrong, although it has taken a while for some, I typically accept people for who and what they are....I definitely want the opposite to happen.

You are you, I am me, people are people, and I am people.... now what are you going to do with it?

Just wondering...

Funny how.....

2011-12-14T22:57:00.000-06:00

I once saw a picture on facebook, of course, that had said something to the extent that a best friend can always tell if something is wrong. Funny how that works! Even in a text there are about four people in my life (family excluded) that can just tell when things aren't quite right with me, and it made me think. About strength.

My strength is something I am proud of, both physical and emotional. Physically, I believe, I am a strong girl. No, I am not a professional weigh-lifter or body-builder, so I am not THAT strong; however, I am strong enough to lift, carry and move things that other women my age are not. No, I am not stronger than everyone, but I am strong enough to be happy with it.

My emotional strength is comforting to me. If you have read many of the things I've posted through the past year, I have experienced many life changing events. With each of these things, I have been able to pick myself back up and keep going. With each devastating tragedy that has occurred, I haven't stayed down long. Life is just too short to live unhappy, sad, or troubled.

I have to admit, though, there are days when all of my optimism just doesn't cut it and the joyful memories I have make me miss my mother terribly. The other day was one of those days. As I was decorating, unpacking boxes and putting my house back together from having my new carpets and hard wood floors put in, I came across my father's last Christmas letter. I had kept it, knowing that the information held there was important to me. It captured some of the positive things that year in 2001. But it's funny how this letter, putting out my mom's baskets and thinking about Christmas, can trigger memories you haven't thought about in years. Thinking about the last time I held my mom's hand, thinking of the time she asked me if I ever shut up, thinking of the time I had to get her ready for Christmas, thinking of the times we decorated the tree together growing up and listened to my favorite Christmas songs. Just thinking about a rush of positive and heart-wrenching memories all at once. These are the times I get down. Remembering all these things makes me miss her terribly. I try not to be selfish and want her back. I know that she's so much more comfortable now, no pain, no cancer, no burdens, no worries. I couldn't wish her back in those conditions even if it was possible, I wouldn't want her to suffer for my desire to see her. With all of these thoughts tears come, and overwhelm my vision.

And you wanna know something? It pisses me off! Lol, I just can't stand to be that down. Today, I sit and laugh at how down I was yesterday and wonder why I let myself get that way. I have the emotional strength to get through that, I am strong. And it's funny, I sit here knowing how hypocritical I am. I would tell any of you going through any situation that sometimes you have to cry, sometimes you are going to have those days, sometimes, you just have to let go - it heals you. But I'm not allowed. I would listen to any of my friends, relate to them, share stories of sadness and joys, and encourage them to lean on me. But I'm not allowed. Three times yesterday, people reached out to me and allowed me to lean on them, encouraged me, and wanted to support me with their strength. But I find it funny how I don't allow myself that luxury. I don't know whether it is my pride or my independence, but I just don't like to let others hold me through things.

I have to learn to let it happen, and I am thankful for those who are teaching me.....

Live Like You Are Dying?

2011-12-01T20:30:00.000-06:00

Guess what, each breath we take is one breath closer to our deaths. Well, it is if you really think about it in that way. Who knows when, where and how - but really, every step we take is one step closer to death. Wow, those are some pretty wicked statements!! With that being cleared up - what the heck is my point?

Oh, my point? Well, so - here it is....live like you are dying! I have no clue when cancer is gonna get me - I'm not certain it will, but, I'm guessing it will. I have no clue when my life will be utterly changed. Following this principal, I should party like a rock star, right? I mean, who knows, I could keel over tomorrow for all I know! So, forget responsibility, forget what you have to do and go out and have fun!! Live it UP!!!

HA! That's a laugh! I know I'm the out-going optimistic one, but let's get back to reality! Reality is, that I could last another 100 years, lol! So, if I party like a rock star all the time and forget all of my responsibilities, I am going to be up a creek without a paddle. There's a fine line there that I am treading. I am sure I am disappointing some who are examining the style of my current life, but my philosophies are being really explored these days.

Can I just say that I have a to do list a mile long. I have things I have to do, things I need to do, things I want to do and things I'd like to do that are sprinkled through that list. I am a very goal oriented person. I like accomplishment. I like responsibility and doing it well. I love my job. I love having things on my to do list checked off and all of my ducks in a row........but does all that really matter when you're coming closer to the moment of death every second?

You know something, it really doesn't matter. Who's going to have an epitaph that says, "Cleanest house," or "Bills were always organized," or "Person who has everything done." My epitaph is going to be far more interesting. Mine is going to incorporate friendship and good times. It is going to have a balance between having a blast all the time and having my responsibilities done. Priorities are different for each of us and mine are certainly not based solely on productive individual accomplishments, mine involve a healthy serving of a good time.

When I kick the bucket, I hope that I have my bucket list completed, a load of laundry in the wash, and dishes in the sink. I hope to have made a difference in many of my friends' lives. I hope to have experiences that are of interest and I expect that there will be things left to be done....but I'll be able to say that I went to the grave with my song sung.

I Have to Admit....

2011-11-20T21:17:00.001-06:00

I think I am worse than a guy, lol! I will admit it. I am commitment shy. In my recent post about Matters of the Heart, I indicated that I am ready, so bring it. Well, I am ready to have my heart broken, my feelings hurt and to get angry......

But, I am really, really commitment shy. Maybe commitment isn't the right word - but what I'm afraid of something that kinda comes with the commitment - so....I guess I'm labeling it as commitment shy. So, what am I afraid of?

I am afraid of losing me. Wow! Sigh. There, I said it. I guess now I can shout it from the roof tops! I'm afraid that in another relationship, when I close all the doors and sit in a room by myself that I won't be happy. That when I am all alone I won't feel confident, safe, relieved and happy.

Now, don't get me wrong here, my ex and I certainly had our issues; however, HE, as a person, did not inflict this sense of losing myself upon me....I did. I think my friends and family would say that I am a person who gives my all to them. I am proud of that. But with everything positive, there is a side of negative. I as an optimist don't really focus on this, but today, I will.

Let's say, you (and since I don't know if you, the reader, are a person I know and am friends with, or are a person I have never met, or are even a person that I'm not very keen about, you'll have to play along with me) and I are just becoming friends. Let's say you and I are out walking around in the park somewhere conversating and it starts to rain. Let's say, that I am feeling quite happy and uninhibited. Let's say, I, being me, start singing the song, Singing in the Rain, which is something I do a lot when it rains. Singing that song makes raining a little less saddening to me. And for this post to completely explain what I'm trying to express, let's say you become very embarrassed and tell me not to sing....

I will never sing with you again.

Ever...... never ever....... never.

This is what I'm talking about. I give you my all. I try and do everything to make you happy as a person; to make you feel confident, comfortable and at ease, I will stop doing the things that make me happy, comfortable, confident and at ease. And, sooner or later, I have changed myself to be around you. Not by your choice of wanting me to be someone else, but by my choice of wanting to support you and lift you up. I will do this to the extreme of denying the things that make me happy. Yes, I understand, happiness is a choice. For me, happiness is a choice of actions that increase the feeling. These actions often times can be seen by another person as annoying, embarrassing, and immature. Doing a "good-luck kick" down the hallway on a Friday-payday morning is the best thing ever! Some people, I am sure, think that I am absolutely crazy for it. I do it just to brighten my day, and it brightens my day even more when you laugh - but if you ask me not to do it, I won't ever do it again while I'm with you. Even if it makes me happy.

A relationship does work best if you put the other person first, and I fully plan on doing that; however, I need to find a harmonic balance between putting another person first and saving myself my own happiness. I need to find that person to share in my happiness and like all the crazy, wild, funny, weird things I do. One day, I will find the right person to compliment my style of happiness with his own happiness and smile at the things I do for fun. Until then, I have to admit.....I'm commitment shy. Afraid of losing my happiness, my true core-being, to someone who is embarrassed by my stunning silliness.

Some Say

2011-11-13T23:34:00.000-06:00

Some people say that a glass is half empty when it is truly half full. Some people say it is partly cloudy when it is really partly sunny. Some say it is all about perspective.

As I sit here and look at all the negative things I see that have happened in my life, I know I am missing adding things to the list. Yeah, my mom passed away when I was 23. Yeah, my oldest child has Aspergers. Yeah, I got divorced when I was 33. Yeah, I have been through a lot of crap. But this is what some people say.

I say, these experiences, these things that I have endured, these life marring events are truly life lessons. My perspective since my mom had first gotten diagnosed (after my selfish phase was over) has been: I am who I am because of the experiences I've had, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I live with NO regrets.

I am an optimist, an idealist and a person who likes to look at the world through rose colored glasses. Yes, these things can be a fault - however, again, these things are all what some say. I look at my mother passing away and see what a strong and educated woman I have become. My mother has certainly had a positive influence on my life, and without her becoming diagnosed with it the first time, I realize that it might have taken me MANY years to figure out that my parents were smart and had my best interest in mind...

Matters of the Heart

2011-11-13T20:18:00.000-06:00

My father recently told me, "Missy, be careful. Feelings get hurt, people get angry and hearts get broken." He is so right. I can't question the truthfulness in that statement. He intended to say that to me in reference to me starting dating. My father's wisdom being nothing new to me, I always take it and truly ponder over it. He is, in my mind, very wise.

While pondering, I have had the opportunity to see how this statement is true throughout life. This statement is true, not only for dating, but encompasses the entire capacity of life's relationships. Child/parent, significant other relationships, friendships, all of these relationships can benefit from those words of wisdom.

More importantly though, I asked myself, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I put myself out there to get my feelings hurt, to get angry, or to have my heart broken. This happens often anyway with friends, parents and children, so in essence, why not try to find that person that will share in my happiness?

I have concluded that I fully intend to have my heart-broken. I have that intention because I want to give life my all. To the people who come in and value me and I feel confident enough to call them my friend, to date them, to have a relationship with them, I feel compelled to share my complete self with them. To not shelter myself for fear of them getting angry or being hurt. I am positive I will get angry in life with friends, family and men that I date. I am positive that I will be hurt by those same people. And, in fact, have had my heart broken by those same people as well.

In having my heart broken, I have learned, experienced and been changed into who I am today. I have become a more confident and happier person, even after heart breaks. Walking away from a heart break, I will be able to honestly say, I gave my all, I didn't hold back, and I will learn from this. In my opinion....bring it - I'm ready.

My story of how cancer has affected my life....

2011-10-03T21:12:00.001-05:00

My friends keep reminding me that this time of year is very difficult for me. I don't feel it, but I do agree. I'll share my story...

My momma, was in her early forties when she was diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time. I was 16. I was pissed. At my mom. Can you believe that she had the audacity to burden me with cancer? Geesh, how stupid was I! At that time, though, that is all I thought about. There I was, the summer before my junior year in high school, wanting to get my driver's license, in a community theatre show, and dating a nice boy. Her having cancer and finding out it was genetic in nature meant I was going to get it, my dad was going to have to teach me to drive and that she wouldn't be able to take me to practice or on dates with the aforementioned nice boy. This was all that consumed me. I cried more for my new destiny of cancer than for my mom going through this.

I mention all of this to enlighten you about how "children" may view the diagnosis of cancer. It was an absolutely ridiculous way to react and think. And looking back on that summer, I admit how stupidly selfish and horrible I was. However, like everything in my life, I do not regret this. I learned. I learned an enormous amount.

That summer and the months following, I observed a lot and had many lessons. I watched her go through chemotherapy all the while forcing herself to go to work everyday. She exercised almost daily and made many healthy choices in her life. She got frustrated when the doctors told her to quit smoking, and replied to the doctors, "Someday they'll find out green beans will give you cancer." She had a mastectomy and did not go through reconstructive surgery. She LIVED that. She went through her life dealing well with this sudden diagnosis. I cried a lot in my room, and after awhile that crying went from crying for me and my destiny to crying for what my mother fought through and endured. She was amazing through this time. She was a fighter to the core. She lost energy, health, stamina and negativity. She gained courage and strength.

Things like this always change people, but I have to say I wasn't around to watch that. My junior year of school, was just another year where I got to see my mother daily at the lunchroom cafeteria where she worked. Then, I changed, and found out my mom was my best friend....just in time for my senior year and all that comes with it. My senior year involved cadet teaching, performing in musicals, dating, working, 4-H, socializing, and looking for colleges. It didn't involving spending exorbitant amounts of time with my mother, but I did learn that year to appreciate her, in a way I will never forget. Then, I went away to college for the typical four years, and found a guy to marry at the end of those years. In college, I would call home and ask permission from my mother to go shopping or to a movie, just because I missed her. I would call home any chance I got, just because I missed her. When I visited home, I would spend all the time I could with her, just because I missed her. My friends complained, but I didn't care. And I am so glad I did. I graduated from college in May of 2000.....

On October 20, 2000, my mother's 49th birthday, she was again diagnosed with cancer. After months of random health issues, a so-called broken rib, diverticulitis, gall bladder issues, and just feeling yucky, they finally figured out that her cancer had come back and had metastasized. Since this has been 11 years ago, I don't remember where the cancer had spread, and to what degree it had taken over her body, but I do remember standing in her newly remodeled kitchen, holding her on her birthday. Me, the selfish child who had grown so much, held my mother and supported her with everything I had.

Again, my mother fought this. Fought this with everything she had. As the cancer had spread to soft tissue organs and within her bones, a different, more powerful, chemotherapy drug was necessary. My mother took this in stride. She was an amazing fighter. She held her grandchildren tightly and loved them dearly. She made time to spend with family and friends, because that is what uplifted her. Through most of this, I spent one night a week at my parents home to spend time with my mom, it was time I treasured. She smiled more when the cards came in the mail, or when people called to talk to her. 9/11 hit and it devastated her. We uplifted her by having a surprise birthday party for her that she really didn't want! She was on high for days from that. Then, her fight became more difficult as through these months, the chemotherapy would have to be changed to keep the cancer from spreading - not curing - just from spreading. She had lost all of her hair, which was so hard for her. Her struggle had become a battle and had increased to an all out war. She had made it to Christmas. Her favorite holiday of the year. I helped her get ready that day. She had gone from being 5'2" and 160ish pounds to being that height and under 90 pounds. But with a smile on her face, and presents passed out, she looked amazing. Merely days after Christmas, I spent a night in the hospital with her, and then suddenly held her hand and let her go to a place where she suffered and fought no more.

As I face this month, I think about how life impacts you. I'm proud to say I'm a girl, and am okay with saying that, someday, I will announce I am FIGHTING LIKE A GIRL! Currently, I just look forward to an early onslaught of cancer prevention that will start when I turn 34. Daily, I take thought in actions of cancer prevention, and I hope you do, too.

I'm back!!!!

2011-09-28T21:17:00.002-05:00

At least to blogging that is!

Since this blog started with some goals - let's just update on those. . .

1. my goal of happiness - because that was the one word for 2011 that I really wanted to focus on. Yep, it's achieved and maintaining. Yes, I have my moments. Who wouldn't? Like when my ex talked about going back to court, yeah, I wasn't happy at all; however, overall, so many more happy days (and even on the icky days, so much happier around the icky spots). I've had so many comments asking if I've grown over the summer. I'm 33, I'm not growing! But, I realized this evening that I have grown. I've grown happier and now stand a little taller and a little prouder!!

2. a goal of losing some weight - it has been achieved. I have lost 28 pounds. My goal was to lose 32, and I would still love to do that; however, I realize looking in the mirror, that it's not "weight" I want to lose now, it's the fat - I'll be working on turning that into muscle. So, my weight goal has become an exercise and healthy eating goal.

3. that dirty job thing - ugh, with buying and moving into a new to me home, I have done my fair share of dirty jobs. I will admit that I WILL NOT CLEAN OUT THE SUMP PUMP HOLE!! I will pay someone to do that if I can't have a family member to do it. I don't know why, but it creeps me out!! I almost want to vomit when I go near that hole, lol!! And, I will also admit that my family and friends have done many dirty jobs at my home. There were almost 20 of us over the move in days getting me into my home and accomplishing the tasks that were necessary for my home.

4. blogging my scrapbook things, that's still a goal! Considering I haven't scrapped all summer and don't even have the scrapbook bags moved into my new home yet (so I'm not distracted, of course) I doubt this goal will be accomplished here soon, but I will be posting some things. . . finishing up an autism series, getting some stuff done on my teacher blog. . . yeah.

5. a new one. . . boxes, to unpack these boxes. When I got divorced, my ex and I agreed on many things and life was very easy in this area. I was able to take almost all of the treasures from the house. Currently those treasures are sitting in my "new" basement and I am living with what I need. So now I am wondering, do I give some things back or have a HUGE garage sale.....lol, we shall see as time goes on!! What do you think I should do??

That Journey thing - yeah - the one to happiness...

2011-09-01T21:35:00.002-05:00

Well, some of you know and some of you don't know that my journey to happiness included a big change in life. Which is why I haven't posted in a while. Life is an ever changing journey and where you think you have it planned out to go doesn't always happen. I never had divorce planned in my journey, but it is now. As things are finalized now - these were some of the things that I pondered over while going through the process.

1. Where in God's name am I going to live? (Through this process, I do believe that God and I have an understanding and have worked this out. God and I have been talking a lot lately and so He's not as p.o'd as one might think. A sin is a sin, and forgiveness is forgiveness. Think what you need to, because I do, too.) So, yes, I'm wondered where in this great beautiful land I would live! I was lucky enough to stay with some family for about two months. I think they were as excited to have me as I was excited to have them welcome the boys and me into their home. Recently, however, I was able to purchase a home. And let me tell you how invigorating that is!! I am the proud owner of a three bedroom, two bathroom home with all the stuff inside it! It's a very rewarding feeling.

2. How will all the ends meet? I guess, in God's hands', they will all come together!

3. I'm changed my name!! I know I have two kids who will grow up with their momma having a different name - but seriously, it could be worse! They could each have a different name than me and each other! Considering I work in the schools, I see worse things all the time! So, darn it, I'm doing it!

4. It will all work out. Amazingly enough - I know that it will all work out. No matter what things come my way, I am promising myself that I know, with God's help, everything will be okay. Everything will work out. Everything will be okay, and everything will come together just fine.

Sensory Overload Desiring Normal

2011-04-08T23:37:00.000-05:00

This month is a time to be aware of Autism. Autism comes in many shapes, sizes and forms. Autism is a spectrum disorder that affects each and everyone differently. Some people can be mildly affected to where it can be seen as a gift; others are more severely affected.

For us at our house, we are mildly affected. The most difficult thing for me sometimes is the sensory issues we have. My loving seven year old, Gabe, has some issues with sensory needs. He craves sensory input to even himself out. So this morning at 7:00 AM, he was wrapped up like a burrito! Or a crepe whichever he prefers at the time. My youngest, Graham, wants to be just like brother. So here are my little burritos watching TV.

Gabe enjoying some morning cartoons, being disrupted by mom!

My little crepes! Graham and Gabe spending some brotherly bonding time with the television.

Gabe and his Adventures in Life

2011-04-04T13:28:00.000-05:00

Recently, My big G went to a Taekwondo tournament. I am always amazed and impressed to see him compete. Although he participates with fewer competitors than the average kid, he still earns what he does. This being his second tournament, he received two second place medals and is ecstatic to tell you all about them.

Let me remind you, I'm talking about Gabe. He's my little man with Autism. As I have mentioned him to you in a post, The Face of Autism, I wanted to share with you a little bit more about our family's journey with Autism. Gabe is very high functioning and does quite well for himself, but I am always looking for activities for him to participate in which will benefit him. As our Autism consultant from the schools and the occupational therapist had recommended, I had considered looking into him joining Taekwondo (tkd). I was extremely hesitant to do so, because I am such a passive person. I have been raised to follow my heart and not act with my hands. So, against my beliefs, I looked into it and wasn't impressed.

Not two months later, at our county fair, I literally run into a person from the local tkd school. This family is one that our autism consultant had recommended me to talk with because our sons were so similar. Their son being 17 and Gabe being 7, I should meet with them and get to know how their son is at 17 because most likely, my son will be similar at that age. They did not know me, and I did not know how much of an impact they would have on my life! As this fair was in the summer, I had Gabe signed up right as school was starting. After meeting them and briefly talking to them I had made the decision that this was the avenue to go. Little did I know what a life changing experience it would be for Gabe.

The rest of his summer was filled with sweet anticipation of what was to come and a lot of watching Kung Fu Panda. He kept telling me as we would talk about tkd that he wanted to learn Kung Fu! I tried to steer him in the right direction but not knowing much, I couldn't. That first week of two classes after school was an absolute disaster for me. I would get him there, and he was tired and so silly. He laughed at all the wrong jokes, he was so tired out he didn't want to move correctly. He looked like a giggly noodle! Seven months later, what has changed? He has some muscle tone. Yes, he is still low tone, but most children with autism are. He can do a few sit ups and he can make me giggle by attempting a push up. He has the motor control to move his hands and legs together to do a jumping jack. He has coordination. Oh, let me rephrase that, he has some coordination, an improvement, but leaving a lot to be desired still! ;)

Which brings us to our most recent events. After many private lessons, classes, and work at home, Gabe went to a competition and, although, did not perform as well as he could have, he did his best. He does much better, of course, when he is in a private lesson where there is little distraction. But in a room with hundreds of people and multiple competitions happening, my amazing Gabe took two second places. This is one proud mama!

A picture from Gabe's first tournament with his best friend and instructor. I really wouldn't know what to do without our tkd family.

Let's revisit some goals, please.....

2011-04-03T20:19:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I really am not a goal minded person. I am not an organized person. I am not a scheduled person, nor am I punctual. However, life changes! I am becoming three out of the four. . . with hopes to become punctual after everything settles down!

"Settles down?" you ask. Well, yes, after the major life changes happening in my little section of the world, life will settle down. My pursuit of happiness, my visions of happiness, and my life have lead me down an ever-changing path. This path is marked with many caution signs indicating how rough the road will be, but yet again, I do feel that this is the path to happiness. So, onto some goal making!!

1. Well, number one still has to be happiness, duh!
2. Finish the kitchen. So, I kind of have a disaster on my hands. I don't always make life-changing decisions at the best times in my life, to say the least! So, four bare walls (down to the studs), a half ripped out kitchen floor and the destiny of a new floor and kitchen cabinets are on the way, but don't forget the paint and all the fixings. (I think this will qualify for the next months worth of dirty jobs!)
3. Put the house on the market! Yes, you heard me correctly. I'd like to be moving out of this house by August of 11. Though this house holds MANY precious memories, I'd like to let it go, to open a new chapter in my life. This is the house my mother moved me into, but in spirit she's with me to move me into another one. And I'm ready for that!
4. Start up my workout routine again. What a slacker I've been! I can't believe it, I went from working out two to three days a week to nothin'! Although my weight loss is on a roll still, my muscle mass is deteriorating as we speak! So, I'd like to add some workouts to my life again. I can and will do this one!
5. I still have the goal of learning something new everyday. For the next few weeks and months, I am positive I will in many more areas of life than already anticipated.

So, here again, I have re-evaluated life and so begins another short story in the book of Missy!

My Visions

2011-03-14T22:56:00.000-05:00

So now that I've waited a day and thought about it, I guess I'll be okay if I expose my inner visions and feelings with you. I would if I saw you in person, so I guess it's okay if I do on the web! Here is the project I was working on over this past weekend. I'm not going to tell you much about it - so enjoy the pictures and the view of "My Vision."

A vision of the future?

2011-03-13T21:20:00.000-05:00

On Friday night, my husband enlightened me, and inspired me. He told me of a movie he watched called The Secret. After his summarizing, I came up with a million and one things I would like to have in life and envision myself doing or being. No, I have not watched the movie; however, I do intend to. My husband did question it's ethics based on my religious practices, and said that he believed that some could interpret this energy as God. So, as far as the movie - I'm not endorsing it, I'm not saying it's good, I'm not saying it follows my life philosophy. . .

BUT the story he told me gave me some true inspiration. Some crafting inspiration. So much, so that I dreamt Friday night and Saturday night of this project. Friday night I dreamt of the things I truly want in life; where I want to be, my goals, my desires, my needs and wants and prioritized them a little while sleeping. So, I had some ideas in my head. Just lucky enough, I had a crop this weekend supporting one of my favorite causes: the American Cancer Society. So, on Saturday, I did the pages I thought I needed to get done and started crafting on a book. I took three hours to make this beautiful book from scrap cardboard that comes with paper packs, album pages, and page protectors and cut it to the size I wanted it, found the paper I wanted to use, adhered it, sanded it and inked the edges. I even put hole punches in the sides to get set for the rings I was going to put in there. I was content with my project. It really is beautiful. Then it was time to go home for the night.

So, I go to bed Saturday night and again dream of my project. Turns out - my mind's eye had something totally different in store. Something bold, something striking and something very creative was necessary for this life changing vision book I was going to make. Yes, I had to put aside the ideas I had for my other book, consider selling it for some other person to enjoy. Sunday morning after signing at church, I had a mission of a new project. This new project involves BLACK, RED, WHITE & SILVER. It is striking. It is bold. It is creative. It fell into place so much easier than the last one. It is done in some ways, but needs some more visions in other ways, so it will be done in no time flat. I was considering sharing it with you, but will have to think on that some more. It's personal, and although there isn't anything on/in it that I wouldn't share with you, I'm not at the open-hearted stage to share it. So maybe tomorrow night! ;)

Whatever your thoughts will or will not be on my project, my true point is inspiration. I cannot believe how taken I was with this inspirational moment. I have been a very typical scrapper by doing only scrapbook pages and cards and rarely venturing out. I'll tell you that the last time I did something like this my life was in turmoil and I did a book of New Year's Resolutions. This book helped get me through what I was dealing with, and helped me see what I wanted in life. Again this book is helping me see what truly is important to myself. I am completely in awe of how this came about, turned out and what it means to me. I hope you will enjoy seeing it when I do decide to share it with you.

A weekend I enjoyed

2011-03-01T21:41:00.001-06:00

Although there are many weekends I enjoy that include my family, this weekend did not. This weekend included some of my best girl friends. It included some time to rejuvenate. It included some good food. It included some great memories. It was a scrapbook weekend!! And I loved every minute of it! Most weekends, I end up leaving or getting distracted and not getting as much done as I'd like; however, this past weekend I went to at the end of January with Kristen was absolutely amazing.

There are a large group of girls who get together with Kristen, my Creative Memories Consultant, who rents a house on the lake for us to get together and be creative. Here are just a few of the memories we shared.

This is one of my friends, Laura. As you can tell by another of my friends pictured on the left - not many of us are wanting our picture to be taken. We are in the zone, and not looking our best. Although, my girl Laura, is looking wonderful while working hard.

So many times, people ask me what I bring to a weekend. I bring everything, including the kitchen sink. Because if I don't, I always want what I left at home!!! So, here's my work space from a distance. I have a lot of junk on the table - and there's some of Laura's and Kate's! Since we have so many people, I also bring my lights. I can't expect the CM consultant to have 2 lights for all 17 to 23 of us!

And, I even use the shelves from the house we rented!! I like to make sure everything is organized, and believe it or not I like to make sure that things are about where they are when I'm scrapping at home. It makes it easier to find things, I don't have to think, "Now where did I put that THIS weekend?" So, on the shelf are the things I don't need at the moment, which include the completed parts of my album, the album pages and page protectors. I, sadly, even bring my mini shelves from home and put the little shoe boxes of things on them that are the same things I put on them at home. Organizing in children's shoe boxes is very easy. Each shoebox is large enough to put a few things in, but yet small enough to keep them from floating around and becoming a disaster. For instance, one box has my glitter containers, one box has my velum quotes, and one box has my heat embossing powders. Moving left to right (if facing the table) is my pages to do, the bag of letters and eyelets, markers, and can of necessities, tub of letter pages, carton of mat stacks, and then in the middle is my work space (with work in it at the time). I really try to utilize all of my space.

I even use the floor space!! If I were sitting there, to my left is my three drawer cart, which fits under my scrap table. Then behind me is my big shot. In the black cart is various colors of cardstock. The shelves I had already mentioned includes a craft sewing machine, and an iHome on the top. You have to have your tunes, and a place to charge your iPod! It also has three "book" organizers of metals, buttons, and ribbons. On the bottom are clear "envelope" type folders that are 12x12 that hold random papers, tags and stickers. Those make organizing by theme or kit so easy!

What do you bring on your weekend crops? You'll have to let me know.