My computer has an open book in front of it: A Cambridge collection Immanuel Kant essays on religion and rationality. I wouldn’t advise using that title to look up the book, although it’d likely come up, even though I’ve shortened and mangled the title. It’s open because I’m supposed to be writing an outline of this reading for a class. We have to write 3. I should have written 2 while we were reading Job, because now the pressure is on. Thankfully, there is no grading that occurs on these outlines. Because Kant! can you imagine? of all the things to try to understand, I believe that Kant is low down on the list.

I’ve read the essay a total of 7 times now. It’s slowly becoming clear to me. There is reason in Kant. Well, of course, this guy is all about reason. I remember when I first read him intensely. I was in this incredible class at Amherst called “Political Obligations”. The class was brilliant and filled with Amherst republicans. In fact, the professor was radically conservative and notorious. I felt, at the time, that it was the perfect reality check antidote after all the Smith College leftiness.  That class was the one at college that left me feeling at sea. I knew I would never succeed, solely because the professor was brilliant at his arguments and they were the complete opposite of my opinions. But, the guy made me think. And Kant still does.

Kant does not help me clarify my thoughts. But, he is clear enough that after multiple readings, I finally get his drift.

This week may be a clarifying week for me, Kant’s essay aside. I’m heading off to Philadelphia to visit RRC on Wednesday morning. I’m nervous and excited. I’m nervous about the logisitics. I’ve never visited Philly and I literally don’t know where I’m headed. Of course, I’m a pretty savvy traveller and will figure it out before I leave. I’m nervous about the logisitics of getting there late, which will probably happen due to transportation lengths and leaving early. I decided, when booking my flight, on being sane in my expectations. I’m leaving at 9 instead of at 7. And on Saturday, I’m taking a 5PM flight instead of one that arrives at 11PM. I am trying my darndest to stay healthy through this quarter.

I’m excited about finally getting to see this place that I’ve known about for so long. I’m looking forward to seeing some Smith alums (there’s even another prospective who went to smith!) and one of my former co-workers. I’m excited to see another place, even if the schedule looks pretty busy. I’m ripe for a new little adventure. But, moreover, I’m looking forward to seeing what I think: will my thoughts be clarified and/or calmed? I’m hoping so.

Here is  the promised Graves Disease update. The last time I posted about Graves Disease was just after I was diagnosed in June. You can find that post here.

The medical aspect:

Today I went to my second Endocrinologist appointment at University of Chicago Medical Center. When I came back from Israel, my internist in Madison recommended that I start seeing an endocrinologist in Chicago, because of all the bloodwork that is needed to manage Graves.  So, in September, I met with the Endo Dr. Before meeting with her, I was all prepared (mentally at least) to consider the prospect of Radioactive Iodine Therapy. If this therapy was going to be done, it needed to be done before school started, since it really will put your body back into hyperthyroidism and afterwards, into hypothyroidism. Since, Graves Disease made me feel completely mentally dysfunctional I didn’t want that to hang over my last year at University of Chicago. But, I haven’t had the therapy. In fact, the endocrinologist was not enthusiastic about trying the therapy as a first option.

The first thing the endo doctor wanted to try was to slowly lower my does of methimazole, which is a thyroid production blocker. In fact, she wants to see that I can be either stabilized at the lowest possible dose of the medication or be put into remission. If I am able to reduce my medication to that level (it will be reduced a little bit every 2 months, after checking my thyroid levels), then I don’t have to have the therapy. At my first appointment, my levels were still not right, and I was told to continue on my initial dosage. I was told to go off the beta blocker, which was preventing the spread of the thyroid hormones into my tissue AND keeping the adrenaline that the thyroid creates from making my heart pump like I was running a marathon ALL the time.  Going off the beta blocker was fine, and I have suffered no ill effects. During my visit today, I was told that I can reduce my dosage (of the methimazole) by half a pill. I will go back into the doctor’s office the first week in January, I’ll let you know what happens. This slow reduction will take (if successful) about 18 months.

The psychological aspect:

I feel so much better than I did last winter and spring. I have energy until much later at night, and can focus much much better. I am beginning to get better grades in my classes, too. I wrote a paper and turned it in last week. This was the first paper that I got back since last fall that didn’t have the words “this paper is disorganized” in the comments. That is a major positive change.

While I feel better, the idea that I have an auto-immune disease has taken some getting used to. It was such a crazy, quick diagnosis story, too. And having to get diagnosed, scanned, and medicated before the trip to Israel made my head spin. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I spent most of the time I was in Israel getting used to the idea instead of enjoying Israel. I know that my body was getting used to the medicine. It is said that it takes about 6 weeks for your body to adjust to new hormone levels. Which was about the whole time I was in Israel. The implications of the diagnosis are huge to me. Even though allergies were a pre-existing condition, they were manageable, even with a rider. But, with the way insurance is now, there is no way I would even be able to buy private affordable health insurance. (so call your congress representatives and ask them to support the public option!) Even now, on our mediocre insurance plan at school, I have a lot of medical bills to pay. I was not prepared for these new bills, which are replacing fun in the budget.  The cost of blood tests and doctor’s visits is deep, especially to a grad student. This disease has increased the responsibility I have to myself. I’m grateful, though, that I was diagnosed this last June and that this disease, while costly and annoying, is at least livable and manageable.

Since the music department, where I do my work study, has a big Halloween concert tomorrow night, I have the morning off. I needed it. This quarter has been a whirlwind and adding just work study that does not have a schoolwork component has taken some getting used to. I have been spending the morning cleaning, drinking coffee (I bought a coffeemaker for $10 off of the university marketplace!), and listening to a podcast of the NPR show Sound Opinions which makes me feel cool, because by listening to S.O. I feel up to date on “new” music.

I can’t believe that it’s going to be November on Sunday. I also can’t believe that we are going to begin the 6th week of the quarter. This means that we only have 5 weeks left. That is slightly horrifying. The U of C quarter system makes EVERYTHING seem intense and move quickly. I feel like there’s no time to breathe or get used to how things are. Granted, I am what would be called  a slow adjuster. Although I seek out change, I grumble about it when it happens. It takes me a while to get used to things. And since I’m always seeking out new challenges that put me in new situations that challenge me, I am always grumbling about something.

I wonder about this component of myself. Part of it is this constant problem of getting bored–I need to ensure that I’m intellectually stimulated. But at the same time, it’s annoying. I’d like to be more conventional–have a “real job” now or, in all honesty, seek out a conventional life. As a kid, I did the same activities throughout my childhood, but I always had several on my plate. I quit activities when we moved but not because I was bored. I always played music and throughout most of my kid-life I danced, too. It’s not that I’m a flitter. I am a committer. But when looking for something to do with my life, I’m from the trying things out school of life. And I haven’t committed to anything yet.

This tendency of mine does not jive well with some readers of this blog (primarily my grandparents and my mom, ahem). And there’s nothing I’ve been able to do to relieve their fears that I’m going to be living at the poverty line and paying off student loans for the rest of my life. I’m ambitious and I’ve got things to do. I just haven’t figured out how to get where I want to go. Part of this issue is the burden of HAVING to have insurance due to my health problems. I look at my Salt classmates. Most of them have taken the risky path–freelancing. And now, finally, most of them are getting published and achieving success. I don’t know how much money they’re making, but there name is getting out there, 3 years later. (One is even writing for the Daily Show!) I didn’t have that much time to commit to living on the edge for the sake of my art. Or maybe it’s that I lack the passionate drive. Or a lack of patience.

For all my intentionality when choosing grad school, academia is just not for me. I am not good at living a theory/idea based life. I need something with practical implications and more human/community contact. I actually went to the career advising office this week. I wanted to talk to them about my visions of the future and see if they could help me forge a path. And the counselor was quite helpful, although she knows nothing about working in the Jewish world. I’ll have to go back. First, though, I’m visiting Reconstructionist Rabbinical College in 2 weeks. After I take that trip, I’ll hopefully know more about how I want to angle myself path-wise–more school? or something else? I’m keeping my visions of the future under wraps for now.

Here are a few photos from around University of Chicago. I apologize for any blurriness…my camera was apparently on a funny setting.

Swift Hall path

Swift Hall is the Divinity School building. It’s where I spend most of my time.

Yellow Mums

Ivy Colors

Swift hall Courtyard

I was going to load up a “Grave’s Disease Update” but I think I’ll wait. Instead, here’s a bullet pointed list of random updates

1. I will be seeing the doctor for my Grave’s Disease the first week in November. At that time, I’ll do a big post about what’s been going on since June.

2. School is ending its fourth week. I can’t believe it. It is hard, of course. I have some interesting classes and thankfully, I like Modern Hebrew much much better than Biblical.

3. The leaves in Hyde Park have turned. I took on campus pictures today. I’ll try to upload them tomorrow. It’s awfully pretty!

4. I’m curious as to why the eggplant in my green curry (homemade) turned blue-ish after being cooked.

5. I really like my work study job. I work as an assistant to the Public Relations person. The variety of the work is enjoyable and ranges from the mundane (postering, counting postcards) to the interesting (writing first drafts of press releases, researching program notes for PR purposes). But it had definitely affected my school work time. I’m still struggling to maintain a balance.

6. Although I was supposed to have this “horrible, no good, very bad” class of 8th graders this year (at religious school) I’m actually enjoying them–for the most part. And I love the curriculum. Learning about being Jewish through examining other denominations and religions is really fun.

As a student, I spend a lot of time in my apartment. As I have previously mentioned, I am not a fan of the library. And, honestly, if I can I’d rather be at home–free (as in previously purchased) food, easy access to water, tea fixings, and the french press.

As cooler weather has descended upon the midwest and my apartment began to feel a chill, I started to listen to the pipes. First, the building (mine has 8 floors) tests the pipes before turning the boiler on for the winter. Living on the 2nd floor, I am well aware of the bangs and groans. At first though, the radiators do not warm.

This past week it happened. I heard it first: rumbles, bangs, and groans. And then after I opened my pipes here I smelled it. The smell of winter–of something unpleasantly burnt and slightly gas-like. The radiator has returned.

I do not pay for my heat. And thus, I do not control it either. I have discovered that the heat turns on inconsistently: early in the mornings through about 10, and then in the late afternoons, and then later at night–around 9 or 10. I can always hear it coming first. Just like the first time. It ticks and rattles and moans, and then it smells. Sometimes, when I’m sleeping, I’ll wake up to those sounds. And then smell that smell that dries the inside of my nose. The radiator, it’s on.

Now, in true winter spirit I’ll have to bring out the humidifier.

I went home to Madison this weekend. Of course, I returned to Wisconsin to take in the clean, cold air and the gorgeous trees. And visit my family.  But, it was for another reason too. The sales tax in Illinois is 10.25%. For a grad student, that is a pricey addition to any shopping expedition. I needed some more cold-weather wear.I spent a great deal of the weekend running errands.

I am one of those earth loving, socially conscious (some would say kind of lefty) liberals. I recycle as much as possible (although I admit to occasionally taking the easy way out if the trash can is closest) and aspire to having a backyard or larger apartment which would allow for easy composting (for those not in the know, you can compost with worms indoors!). However, when it comes to my clothes and some of my household products, I just can’t afford to be that conscious. My parents take me to Sam’s Club where I can buy 6 + months worth of kleenex and toilet paper (I go through a LOT of kleenex) in one easy go. I get the regular brand-name stuff. And it’s worth it, even if it isn’t the most ecologically friendly. Never fear, I always feel a pinch of guilt, anyway. It’s just superseded by the excellent prices and the samples that I nosh on over in the food aisles.

Most of my socially/earth conscious friends shop at thrift stores. I don’t. I donate my used clothes to thrift stores, but I am not a thrifter. I’m also not really a shopper. I don’t value the hunt. I wear mostly basics (t-shirts, sweaters, and jeans) and like to be in and out of the mall as quickly as possible. I think that if you are a avid thrift-store shopper, you must value the hunt. You also must value a little more chaos than I have tolerance for. I tend to go into the local mall, enter the same section that I have visited multiple times of one department store (or another), wander, quickly try on, and buy. I don’t like rifling through clothes. I appreciate a good sale (I am a poor grad student after all) but I do not feel the adrenaline that comes from finding an amazing bargain of $0.50 pair of pants. I respect the thrift store people, I really do. And I respect those that can afford to buy all sweat-shop free, organic clothes as well. I aspire to be you. I do.

My guiltiest secret: Living in Hyde Park, I often feel closed-in by the university and the strange culture that surrounds it–I don’t really understand or feel affinity for the culture here. When things get crazy, claustrophobic, or I have a paper looming, I tend to take a vacation…to the South Loop. There, I can wander the aisles freely. Most often I find myself at Whole Foods where I can stock my pantry with dairy replacements and see a different side of Chicago. The people watching is great! and the food is pretty good to (regardless of politics).

Today was one of those perfectly fall days–when the air has a bit of a chill and the sky is blue. I biked onto campus and it felt perfect. (It was particularly perfect since I didn’t have a class to go to…) I walked into the new “college commons” which, I must mention, is an awesome new quiet study area that has huge gothic-style windows. I like studying with natural light–the library and the Div School study room are lacking in that regard. The whole campus is gothic style, but we don’t usually have the ability to enjoy the beauty in a non-class setting. With perfect blue sky, the Gothic buildings don’t look so academically pretentious and ominous. They look pretty and ivy-covered stone. The sun stayed out and in the late afternoon, people even laid in the grass, enjoying the combination of sunny skies and chilly air. I love fall. Although I don’t particularly love change, the transition between summer and winter is my favorite. I like putting on long sleeves, my fleece (I, ahem, kind of live in my fleece) and winter hats. And I enjoy the ability to still stay outside and sit still or bike and be comfortable, temperature-wise. And there’s the promise of drama–of crazy winds and rain and then snow storms. Who doesn’t like a bit of drama?

School began on Tuesday. The day after Yom Kippur. This is the first quarter where I have “shopped” classes. I’m a pretty decisive person and usually go with what I’ve chosen–even in college. But this quarter has already been different. I first went to Introductory Modern Hebrew. And after class was told to move up to Intermediate. And then, on Wednesday morning, I went to another class–on Midrash. I sat through the class, found it interesting. But after considering my stress levels, decided that this wasn’t the quarter to be taking on Midrash translation. This will be a much easier undertaking after I have more Hebrew under my belt. Instead, I’ll be taking a class on the book of Job, in English. I’ll let you know how that goes next week, since I was not present in class this week–attending intro Hebrew instead. On Monday, I will have another “first” class. But, that one isn’t for shopping. I’ve been intentionally trying to create a balanced schedule that will allow me to be relatively successful. Hopefully, this will be it.

This weekend was a sister visit weekend. We had a lot of fun, beginning with a light meal at Whole Foods on Friday night after her train arrived. On Saturday we had breakfast out with a friend of mine. And then we bummed around and read for a bit. In the afternoon, we worked ourselves northward: stopping first in Lakeview. I easily found parking, which was amazing. I had recently seen a 190 North episode which mentioned the Coffee and Tea Exchange.  I was excited that the store was on the corner. The Coffee & Tea Exchange roasts their own beans and has a large collection of loose teas. It smelled really good inside and I succumbed to temptation to purchase a little loose tea–an herbal blood orange. I’m drinking it now. It has a very light flavor. We also discovered a cute candy store that I had never noticed in the neighborhood: Windy City Treats. We couldn’t resist going in and getting a sample of their pumpkin pie fudge–which was pretty amazing.

The rest of the mostly rainy day was spent taking photos at the Montrose Dog Beach, and then perusing the art along the Ravenswood Art Walk. Both activities were fun, albeit a little chilly.We had a fun sister weekend!

My internet is not up yet in my apartment. It’s become an incredible saga that defies words. My frustration defies words too. Maybe I”ll have internet next week (early next week). If not, I’m finding a different provider and ignoring the price difference. But, this is why I haven’t posted. I just haven’t been online much and when I have been online, it’s been while doing my work-study job or just checking my email briefly.

Rosh Hashannah has come and gone. Yom Kippur begins tomorrow night. And classes begin on Tuesday.  The world keeps turning, I’m running to keep up.

I promise a real post soon. seriously.