Pieces of Amy

An Open Letter to my Son's Doctor and Nurses...

2012-01-25T09:10:00.005-06:00

Dearest Dr. #$@%$ (name withheld...) and Nurse Whoever You Are,

Dearest Dr. #$#@%$,

Maybe it's been a long time since your children were young. Maybe you've just seen SO many sick children that you have grown weary of it all and don't feel like you need to have compassion. Maybe you just need to work on that bedside manner. WHO KNOWS? But, when I bring in my son for a persistent cough that's gone on for over a month (with no other symptoms...) and just want to make sure he doesn't have asthma or allergies, please don't stop the medical analysis of my son as soon as the answer to your "is your child up to date on his vaccines?" question is "no.".

Twenty minutes is way too long to try to convince me of what a bad mother I am because he's behind. Let's not jump straight to "he may have whooping cough" just because he's behind on his vaccinations. Let's not freak out/weary the mother when she is already prone to freak outs and weariness. Oh, and by the way, I am aware of what whooping cough is and know that if I thought it was that I would not have waited a MONTH. I am not THAT BAD of a mother.

Thank you for telling me the CDC is concerned about me. And, I'm sorry for my snottiness when I said to you - 20 minutes after your talk began, when you STILL had not checked my son - "SO, what does all this have to do with why I'm here TODAY?".

Sincerely,

A Weary Mother

Dear Nurse Whatever Your Name Is,

Thank you for the phone call concerning my son's chest x-ray. Thank you for waiting exactly until 5:00 PM (and making sure to tell me I couldn't call you back because the phones were going off when you hung up) to call with his results. Thank you for wording it this way: "Nothing to worry about TONIGHT, but make sure and call me at 9:00 in the morning" so that I was SURE to freak out ALL NIGHT LONG and not sleep at all. Especially when you just told me all was CLEAR. I'm sorry for being snotty to you when I told you never to say that to a mother ever again.

Sincerely,

A mother who is now praying for forgiveness for all her snottiness.

Rebuilding the Wall

2012-01-14T07:56:00.007-06:00

Walls.

Someone tries to get too close, starts to see that part of you that you would like to keep hidden. You've worked hard for that wall, built it over the years brick by brick. The wall keeps you safe, keeps others out and your secrets inside.

We lock our doors and windows at night. Securing our family inside our walls. Keeping out the elements, and the intruders that could harm them.

There are those without walls. Like the van I saw at the library yesterday that has been haunting me ever since. Piled in the back with pillows and blankets, obviously lived in. Knowing that I was at the library to fax things away to keep my comfortable life going, and they were at the library because it was warm and free. No walls to keep them warm or safe.

My hubby and I are going through the McCheyne Bible reading plan this year, and right now it has me planted in Nehemiah. I remember Nehemiah from seminary, but I don't think I've read it since. Jerusalem in ruins, God's chosen people scattered into exile, and a cupbearer to the king has a vision from God to go and rebuild the wall. Nothing in Jerusalem can be restored without a wall. They didn't have locks, or security systems back then - they had walled cities. Walls that kept in the people who were supposed to be there and (hopefully) kept OUT the ones that weren't.

Nehemiah returns, rallies the people and starts to rebuild. Working together, family beside family they each take a part and begin the process. But, the neighbors don't like all that noise. It's disturbing their perfect world. It's making them angry that these silly Jews think they can build a giant wall and keep them out. They broke down that wall, for goodness sake, and they don't want it ever going up again.

So, what do the exiles do? They keep building. With a trowel in one hand and a sword in the other. They do what they know to be right, ready for the battle they know will come.

And then it hits me. I am Jerusalem.

"Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control."

Proverbs 25:28

My new "health kick" has reminded me over and over that I have gone very lax in the self-control area. I skim off my kids plates, I mindlessly eat when I shouldn't, I choose TV over exercise, I CHOOSE to be a broken down wall.

If I have no wall, then the enemy doesn't even have to climb to get to me. I'm RIGHT THERE. Just waiting for attack. No protection, nothing to hide behind.

Now, I have self-control. I have the Spirit of the Most High God living inside of me. A fruit of that Spirit is self-control. Apparently it's not one who's tree I've been cultivating. My black thumb has gotten the best of this tree, it's barely breathing. On life support and waiting for a miracle.

So, with dumbbell in one hand and scripture in the other I start to rebuild. How can I not? What city is effective without a wall? The last thing I want to be is ineffective for the Lord.

Rebuild with me. We can join together, lock arms with our swords and start building.

5 Health Changes to Change Your Life!

2012-01-10T10:20:00.002-06:00

Blogging today over at The PHAT Year! Join me there for a recap of the 5 health changes that could change your life this year!

New Year, New Adventures

2012-01-09T06:59:00.006-06:00

Oh, I've missed you! Did you notice I was gone? Gone from home, gone from blogging, gone from schooling, gone from fixing my hair.....it's been Christmas! We always travel a lot at Christmas and there have been definite years where I have come back needing a vacation, but for some reason this year was not that year. PRAISE THE LORD!

I realized that Christmas was actually refreshing when I got home on Friday and saw that on my little personal dry erase board over the kitchen sink was written "Do the next thing" and instantly remembered the overwhelmed feelings I had before I left. It was such a blessing from God to realize I didn't STILL feel this way!

Now comes the hard part of putting back together my pre-Christmas break life. The house is in shambles, I've not lesson planned so school is behind and the dog needs a bath. BUT, I am strangely at ease with this.

And the hardest part - New Challenges. My sister-in-law and I have started a healthy-living, weight loss accountability group/competition. If you're interested, or just want to check out what we're doing, check out The PHAT Year blog. I have wanted for a long time to:

a. get healthy
b. use the degree I have to help others get healthy

so, here's my chance! You don't have to be in the competition to read the blog, or to participate in the weekly challenges - so if you "follow" me here, go "follow" me there!

I hope you're Christmas was full of Jesus, full of family, and full of down time. Can't wait to catch up!

Need to Breathe

2011-12-18T20:31:00.003-06:00

I have rediscovered a band I forgot I like. Do you ever do that? The lyrics from their ultra-hit song "Something Beautiful" describe my state of mind so well right now that I thought I'd share -

"In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want
something beautiful To touch me,
I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees,
I'm waiting for something beautiful"

Anyone else out there feel like the older you get, the longer you are a Child of the King - the more your realize you don't know ANYTHING?

I mean - I can spit out all kind of Bible stories and facts and interesting quips about all kinds of topics (I went to SEMINARY for goodness sake), but the closer I lean towards HIM, the more I seek HIM the more I am in awe of this fact -

HE IS GOD
I AM HUMAN
WHY DOES HE FOOL WITH THE LIKES OF ME?

Now, I don't mean that in a self-deprecating sort of way, I just mean it simply for what it is.

I am stumped by prayer.

In awe of grace.

Forgetful of his provision.

Begging for mercy, and wondering why it comes.

Fooling around with cheap, imitation joy when true lasting JOY is offered.

"In your ocean I'm ankle deep...."

And here's the funny thing about this strange God-relationship... I hope I never arrive where I want to be. What a paradox.

It reminds me of another lyric from an oldie-but-goodie Casting Crowns song
"How refreshing to know You don't need me.
How amazing to find that You want me."

He wants me. He loves me. He isn't disappointed when I don't "do enough" for Him, he's disappointed when I don't spend time with Him. It's a relationship, not a employer/employee hierarchy.

Can I say that again? HE LOVES ME. HE LOVES YOU!

I forget that on a daily basis.

"Shoot, I woke up too late to read my Bible this morning...hope I get to it later today during nap time, but then I'm so tired during nap time...."

My mental checklist has an empty box needing to be filled.
He has a HEART wanting to LOVE ME.

"I just want something beautiful to touch me, I know that I am in reach...."

Anyone else out there have a heart that is straining for HIM this Christmas season and realizing just how much HE truly loves YOU, and wondering WHY???

Amazing Grace.

For you, so you can beg for something to beautiful to touch you as well...

A little Christmas Happy

2011-12-14T12:53:00.011-06:00

There are special things that make a house a home. I thought today I would share a few of those things from our home as an early "Merry Christmas".

1. My little plague that sits next to my sink. Notice it sits in a broken piece of china (I thought that fitting...)

2. Isn't this a nice Christmas card? I don't know who Ann and Fred are. This was sent to us by accident. What I really love about this card is that the picture on it says it was taken in 2007, but they put it on their 2011 card.

3. We don't have cable. We still watch network tv. Last week John added the crowning piece of the rabbit ears....the tin foil.

4. It's ridiculous how happy this giant map makes me.

5. And finally...nothing says romance in the bedroom like a giant dog kennel piled with books...

I hope you enjoyed a peek into our world. Merry Christmas!

Tales of a Yard Sale

2011-12-11T18:01:00.007-06:00

Once upon a time there was a woman named Amie *names have been changed to protect the stupid* who thought it would be a great idea to have a December yard sale to make a little extra for Christmas.

In the yard sale business there are two separate, yet equally important groups: the people who run the yard sale, and the husbands who bring them coffee.

These are their stories: *bum bum*

- at 6:45 there was a man outside in our yard looking at our empty tables. The signs said 8:00. He wanted to know if we had any knives or skateboards. For his early morning efforts he was rewarded by being guilt tripped into helping my husband move a dresser to the curb. It's still sitting there. No one bought it and we can't move it back.

- at 8:00 AM very nicely dressed Jehovah's Witnesses started coming. I should have anticipated this and NOT put one of my anti-Jehovah's Witnesses video cassettes in the sale pile, but hey.

-After one of the women purchased a scarf from me she asked if she could give me some reading material. I had other people waiting to "check out", so I took the material and smiled. A few minutes later a lady bought an exercise machine and asked if her daughter could come pick it up. She needed me to write my address for her. "Here, this is all I have to write on and I won't read it anyway" as I wrote my address on the back of the "reading material". She replied with "I am also a Jehovah's Witness, let me go to my car and get you something else." Cough, cough, sputter, uhum...

-One woman nearly wept as she hugged and stroked an Adrian Rogers book I had for sale.

- I wondered all day long why I didn't pay more attention in my Spanish classes so I could know if everyone was talking about me....

- One man pulled up to the curb in his truck, rolled down the window and started asking me if I had certain things. He asked in such a low tone of voice that I kept having to get closer and closer. Then I realized he wanted to kidnap me.

- Halfway through the day I went in to go to the bathroom and realized I couldn't feel my legs.

-important yard-sale lesson: kids can make ANYTHING and sell it. People will not turn down children. The kids sold all their cookies and ornaments!

- Another man slowed down and rolled down his window and asked "Do you have any cute brunettes with pigtails?" to which I replied "Only one, but she's taken." before realizing I should have ignored him.

- Yeah, apparently I want to be kidnapped.

- My sweet husband brought me coffee all day long. And he made me an egg sandwich for lunch. Anyone who brings you coffee and egg sandwiches is a keeper.

- At 3:00 we quit, at 4:00 I sat in my chair with a heating pad and lapsed into a coma until 6:00.

- I went to bed at 7:30.

We made a fair amount of money, but I will rethink this December- yard -sale -thing next time.

Those who live with me were great help, but told me (after the sale...) that they felt sorry for me as I sat outside in the 29 degree weather.

That's nice of you, since you were wrapped warmly on the couch in a blanket watching "The Bells of St. Mary".

BUT, you did bring me lots of coffee....

Ad-venting

2011-12-01T12:41:00.003-06:00

I am afraid of our pace. Break-neck, lightning, full-speed and getting nowhere. I look around and notice that everyone is always “busy”, “exhausted”, “stressed” and worn-out. We are led to believe if we can't answer “How are you doing?” with one of the above words, then we must not be accomplishing anything of worth.

What if I answered that questions with “I'm calm, and at peace. I've been spending a lot of time in my chair drinking tea and reading.”? Would you react in your spirit with a “what is wrong with her?” or an “Oh I wish.....” mentality?

Have you seen the 4G cell phone commercials lately? The one with the guys tailgating at the football game and everyone around them has phones slower than theirs. I actually laughed out loud every time I saw it with the part about the guy coming of the RV asking if they knew how to upload videos to facebook, but they had already uploaded the video of him asking.....before he asked.

And then the other one with the ladies in the cafeteria? Someone walks up and asks if they knew so-and-so was quitting, and they already have video of the going away party and ask if he wants some leftover “face” cake?

Okay, I laughed at them for a while. And then I got uneasy with them. Just like the commercial about being able to take the movies you buy anywhere with you, and ends with a kid on a playground holding up an iphone with the cartoon on it. Yeah, I take my kids to the playground so he can watch cartoons too.

Are these a barometer of our own societal pressure?

I was in the ER the other night and it was a packed room. NO LIE, everyone there had a phone in their hand except this little old man that just looked lost. People texting, talking, keeping kids entertained with cartoons. That's when I had this thought...

If aliens came down and zapped our technology, we would all need medication. We wouldn't know how to entertain ourselves, get in touch with others, feed or clothe ourselves. Seriously, complete chaos would ensue.

Would you remember how to write a letter? Would you be able to call any of your friends? Probably not, considering we have all their phone numbers locked in our nice little phones and don't have to remember any of them. Would you remember how to research something without the internet?

No wonder we have a problem with “quiet times”, prayer, waiting on the Lord.

This is advent season. Advent – expectation, waiting. Do any of us ACTUALLY slow down at Christmas? We are supposed to be expectantly awaiting the day that Jesus broke into our hustle/bustle world. Slowly, eagerly anticipating the 25^th, the day we celebrate HIS birth.

I can't help but wonder if Satan is laughing at what we've turned Christmas into. That most of us zoom through the season, fretting over money and gifts and running here and there to party after party and gathering after gathering and rarely pausing to take a breath. Does he laugh? Does he feel proud of himself for all the whispering in our ears that was heeded?

Is our Father happy when we give a cursory 1-2 hours to him in celebration of his birth out of the hundreds of hours of the Christmas season?

Notice I am and not saying “YOU”, I am saying “WE”. I am guilty of this just like all others. I am wondering right now how we'll buy all the presents and make it to all the gatherings, and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I want to change. I have said all this before, but I want my kids to value peace, slowness, quiet time. I don't want to be Amish, or Quakers, but I DO want to be quiet enough to actually HEAR when the Lord speaks to me. Am I? I mean, right now I should be resting in this bed. Am I resting? NO! I am blurry - eyed blogging!

I hope we all find a way to slow down for the Advent season. Intentional holding back. Intentional silence and meditation on what Christmas is. There's nothing wrong with Santa, and parties, and gifts, but shouldn't that be 2% and Jesus be 98%, instead of the other way around?

Celebrate Advent with me. An expectant hush, not a hurried rush.

Regaining a Lost Love

2011-11-28T13:27:00.003-06:00

How did I get to this?

I remember, LONG AGO, when my main interest in life (other than Jesus, of course) was health. I remember loving my college courses, loving my major - Fitness/Wellness Management - pre-physical therapy.

I remember not WANTING french fries simply because I knew they were bad for me.

I had SUCH self control.

Funny thing is, it's still one of my main interests. I still read books no one else wants to read, subscribe to magazines about health and wellness, give advice to others and drink skim milk.

And yet, here I am. 20 pounds staring at me that didn't used to be here.

maybe more....

And I have to talk myself into exercising, even though I know it will make me feel better.

Now my bodily organs are telling me it's time to renew my interest. Specifically my gallbladder. What a gross name for an organ.

I think if I'm going to regain this former love I need to rename my exercise machine. I call it "The Machine". Sounds fun, huh?

Maybe - "Fit into your pre-baby Clothes Machine"

"Avoid gallbladder surgery Machine"

"Steve"

I love to exercise, really. The problem is when I take a break for a while (I broke my toe three weeks ago. PROBABLY could have started again two weeks ago....) I just don't want to go back. I see the beauty of laziness. Coffee in the chair with a good book.

But then I look down from that coffee and see the belly staring up at me that used to be a little more flat.

Maybe alot more flat.

And my gallbladder speaks to me "Come on, you WANT to keep me. You like me, I do good things for you. All you have to do is change a few things and we can still be friends...."

Do I listen? Or do I slap that punk in the face and tell him he's no friend of mine?

Time will tell.

Thanksgiving Family Togetherness

2011-11-18T10:44:00.010-06:00

Mudpies. Leaves blowing. Perfect weather for a front porch afternoon.

Wait, it's a school day. Hmmmm.

You see, Thanksgiving came early to our family. The extended clan all got together last weekend for (one of) our yearly gluttonous holiday. We spent from last Friday to Tuesday at Mamaw's house, we and 17 other people. Mamaw's house is not large. Mamaw's house only has one bathroom. 11 of those 17 (21 including us....) are under 8. If you are in my general vicinity I probably asked you to pray for me before we left.

Mamaw said it well right before everyone else showed up on Friday - her exact quote was "There will be blood". (and there was, quite a bit - me included)

Saturday night my sister-in-law asked me "Do you want to go to Walmart?", to which I replied "Oh, do you need me to go to Walmart?".... and she smilingly said "No, but do you NEED to go to Walmart?" Apparently I was not hiding anything well.

Winner of the happiest baby ever award. Hubby held him alot, I dropped the word "vasectomy" alot.

Auntie brought all the kids silly string. Wasn't that nice....

Absolute glee on the nephew's faces. Not so much on the neices..

So, on Monday everyone but us went home. My family and Mamaw sat on the couch and watched two movies. Without speaking to each other.

Returning at 10:30 Tuesday night after a 4 1/2 hour drive that lasted 6 hours because of rain....

Wednesday I spent the day staring at the wall. Seriously.

Thursday I spent the day making up for all the things I should have done Wednesday while I was staring at the wall.

So, after all that, why do ONE day of school on a Friday when we could spend it sitting on the porch making mudpies?

And in one month..... we get to do it all again.

Housecleaning Madness

2011-11-01T09:32:00.008-05:00

A different kind of recalculating today. Between a retreat over the weekend, sicknesses on Sunday and Halloween ALL day yesterday, our house....our house....Ohhhhhhh our house...

If I had less pride I would take pictures of all the rooms, just so you could see the level of my unease. I am one of those people who cannot think straight when everything is messy. I can't concentrate, can't communicate, can't sleep at night when it's THIS bad. I know people who are blissfully oblivious to the mess and I envy those people sometimes. My husband is this way, bless his heart.

I used to strive for perfection. I wanted every room "just so" and was not happy when someone moved the blanket that I put exactly THERE to look just right, who cares if the blanket is actually for keeping warm. But then I had children, or I got older, not sure which one mellowed me.....a little.

But today I am not mellow - I am frustrated. We just had a "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" day a few short days ago, and now THIS.

But, God has been teaching me about my homeschooling in this area. Am I genuinely preparing them for life if I am drilling spelling, reading, and math, but NOT expecting them to help out on the home team? I am an "it's easier if I just do it" mom. I know, that's terrible. We have charts, we have had chore schedules, rewards and consequences, but somehow when we moved into this house they never resumed. Today that ends. I'm tired. I need help and I will get it from the little people around me!

The only pictures I have to show is my sweet daughter's room. She is a designer, a planner, an artistic soul who cannot stop creating. We have rest time in the afternoon and she spends it quietly playing with her Polly Pockets, reading books and designing clothes for her dolls... and drawing....and sculpting with tin foil (her new favorite)....and making sculptures with her hangers....it's never ending. As a result...

last times "we" cleaned it I took a picture to remind her how great it could look if we kept it up.

How long do you think it lasted?

Sometimes I stand in her doorway and have sweaty/anxious flashes of what kind of wife she will be one day if I don't help her get this under control! I am the one God put in her life to teach her, and I don't feel like I've been doing a good job of it.

I had already decided that today we would set up some new rules, and clean their rooms, and then God helped me with it! Last night she took one of her little friends in her room to see her birds and she told me that her friend said "Man, your room is trashed". It embarrassed her, sweet thing, and now she WANTS to clean it! Thank you JESUS!

So, yet again I declare it CLEAN ALL THE THINGS day. And maybe this time it will stick..... here we go! Wait, maybe I should drink coffee first. Lots of coffee.

Recalculating....

2011-10-30T09:55:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, Bible open, coffee close by and thinking, thinking, thinking. Three sick ones in the house today, kids and husband all runny noses, coughing and headachy. No church today, just quiet sick days to ponder. And I AM pondering.

This weekend I attended a retreat for homeschooling Mom's with our homeschool group. It was a last minute decision for me, but it was so obviously from the Lord. It was led by Beverly Bradley who runs Family Ministries with her husband, Reb. She has homeschooled for 25 years (I think) and had so much wisdom to share. I went thinking I was going to come away with renewed energy to homeschool and some good practical things to work on. A "to do" list to work hard on and make my day-to-day run smoothly. I like "to do" lists, it gives me something concrete to work on.

But I walked away with abstract, not concrete.

I walked away wondering how to tear down this system I have set up for myself, how to start over from the ground up. Knowing that some of the changes swirling in me will feel like ripping off my own arm, but knowing that arm is diseased and needs to go.

Her main point the whole weekend was that our number one goal is knowing Christ. Not being a good wife, a good mom, a good teacher, but KNOWING HIM. How can we know if we are distracted from the goal if we don't even know the goal? Now, of course I KNEW THAT. Of course I would have told YOU that. But has that been my life?....... honestly no.

Oh, I am a good Christian. I do my quiet time in the mornings and teach the Bible to my kiddos, go to church (most of the time, obviously not today...), do all the "things" I am supposed to do and avoid the things I'm not. If you had asked me if my number one goal in life was to KNOW HIM, I would have said "Yes! Of course!" with a pasted on smile that meant nothing. But does my life reflect that? My every day, day-to-day existence? Nope. If you followed me you would say my number one goal was a clean house, a homeschool to-do list checked off, some quiet time to myself in the afternoons, and a myriad of other things that should be secondary. Good things, but not the BEST thing.

So, this morning, in the quiet house with sleeping family, I sat in my big brown chair - Bible open with a BLANK mind. What do I do, Lord? How do I change this rut? How do I stop quenching the Holy Spirit inside me when it has become an ingrained habit like breathing? How do I go from making sure that Sadie has all her spelling done, to making sure to remember Sadie is a SOUL who you LOVE and are working in and I need to remember to ASK YOU how you are working in her and how can I, as her mom, encourage that? Sounds so common sense, but I forget to do it.

I sit here, Bible open, coffee nearby, with an empty cup. Not a cup full of things to do today, asking YOU to bless my full cup - but an empty cup asking YOU to fill it. What do YOU want my cup to look like today? How do I KNOW YOU in the laundry? How do I KNOW YOU in the runny noses and too much TV?

Makes me think of the Addison Road song I've posted before,

Change in the Making
There’s a better version of me
That I can’t quite see
But things are gonna change
Right now I’m a total mess and
Right now I’m completely incomplete
But things are gonna change
Cause you’re not through with me yet

This is redemption’s story
With every step that I'm taking
Every day, you’re chipping away
What I don’t need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be
I'm a change in the making

Hopefully soon it will be "recalculating.....updated!"

Ideas Swirling

2011-10-20T19:18:00.006-05:00

I have two book ideas swirling in my head. I ponder writing books all the time. I have ample time to do this (my kids go to bed at 8:30), the problem is that there have been no ideas so inspirational that would keep me up doing anything other than laundry, reading someone else's inspiration, or sleeping. But these two annoy me enough to just MAYBE make me do it. One day. Semi-soon.

Inspiration number one: a book about anxiety from a Christian perspective that does not make a person with this issue feel like a loser. All Christian books (and I say "all" loosely...I have not found many) I have perused on this subject make me feel like I am the WORST Christian in the entire universe. I would like to write a REAL book about REAL Christians who deal with anxiety/panic. People who might even be *gasp* medicated. People who have prayed, have sought the Lord, have tried deep breathing, and then sometimes popped some Ativan.

I'm considering mingling this idea with a ministry perspective book. The push to be "doing" all the time rather than "being" in ministry. I think ministry in this "doing" world leads us to anxiety, so it's possible it will mingle the two ideas together. Who knows. If I write it. When I write it. Soonish.

Inspiration number two: Homeschooling for REAL people. Books, blogs, magazines, Homeschooling networks.....all add up to make you think if you home school you should have it all together. Case in point: today was our Co-op meeting where the Home school network we're part of all get together and offer classes for the kids to take once a week. My two dear friends and I are part of the group, but don't feel "part" of the group most of the time. Why? It seems like they all have perfect lives.

We console ourselves thinking surely they go home and sit in their closets sucking their thumbs and crying.... I digress.

Anyway, as I was leaving today I looked up to see a van load of a family (that I did not know) leaving the parking lot. The Mom was looking in the rear view mirror speaking very harshly to her kids with a look on her face that was TOTAL exasperation, then she looked over - saw me - and flashed a beautiful peaceful smile. I laughed out loud. I think I would have felt better if she had looked over at me and gave me the finger.

It's so easy to make it LOOK like everything is perfect. We only share the good stories, we only share the exciting pictures, we show no fear or weakness. If we show fear or weakness the other mothers might KNOW. They might KNOW that we aren't sure we know what we're doing. KNOW that sometimes we don't like our children all that much..... if you show fear or weakness you get eaten by the herd.

Case in point. Here are some wonderful pictures of a project we did this week.

Now, if all I did was post these pictures, what would you think we were doing this day in our home school? I'm sure you would conjure up ideas of unit studies on castles and knights and damsels in distress. Geography studies of Europe and the feudal system....great ideas.

Here's what really happened. An hour AFTER we were supposed to start school I was shoving a Bible study down their throats while Sadie was whining she wanted to do something FUN and Jack was stacking crayons and refusing to answer Bible questions. I said THE HECK WITH THIS and we decided to destroy the kitchen in search of supplies to build a castle. I took almost complete control of the project, turned down most of their ideas, wouldn't let Sadie paint designs anywhere except on the back of the castle, and then for good measure when it was done I said "Do you know where most castles are in the world, kids? Europe". It took us three hours. Then we watched cartoons. The end.

So, where are the books for people like me?

Maybe there are no people like me. I refuse to believe that. I reject that reality.

So, coming soon to a clearance rack at a Lifeway near you..........

Confession

2011-10-11T12:28:00.006-05:00

Today I lied to my children. It happened before I even could think through what I was doing.

I told them foxes don't have any feeling in their tails. Why, you ask?

Because Samson tied 300 foxes together and set their tails on fire. And once again I was slapped in the face with a question that I have been dealing with for months...how do you teach the old testament to kids without COMPLETELY FREAKING THEM OUT!!?!?!?!?!?

We start our homeschooling day with a Bible story from "Bible Stories to Read" from Rod and Staff Publishers. I love Rod and Staff, they tell it like it is. But sometimes.....well, it's freaking out my children. Every morning starting your day with a Bible story sounds great right? Some recent examples....

...The beautiful story of Abraham and Sarah being blessed in their old age with Issac....the next day God is telling Abraham to take him on a mountain and KILL him......Why did God do that, Mommy?......Well, to be sure Abraham trusted Him(um...yeah....).........

Joseph's brothers didn't like him, so they all decided to KILL him.... threw him in a deep hole and sat down to eat lunch (which Jack noticed and thought was weird)...then sold him instead....

then several days later was JOB, oh my WORD how do you teach Job to children where they will understand? God trying to prove to satan how faithful Job is by KILLING his whole family and striking him with disease......yikes.

THe sweet story of Baby Moses in a basket. Why was he in a basket? Because the Pharaoh was KILLING all the baby boys.

Pharaoh let the people go, they are in the wilderness, Moses up on a mountain getting the 10 commandments and the people make a golden calf to worship. God KILLED them all. The lesson here kids is that if you are disobedient God will kill you.....

The people are sick of the Manna, the whine and complain, God sends snakes to bite them. They DIE. The lesson here kids is don't whine or complain or GOd will kill you....

Achan disobeyed GOd and took what he wanted from Jericho, Achan and his whole family were stoned. "What does stoned mean, mommy?".....

And then today, the poor foxes.

(a coloring page comes with each story....today we were supposed to color the foxes dying. Sadie refused to color it.)

(Oh, and just for fun, here's the coloring page for Job. Notice the sores on his head....)

Now, of couse I'm being a little sarcastic here (a little). I, as a grown-up follower of Christ, who understands that we now have full revelation through the entire Bible, understand why we need to fear the Lord. Of course He is to be feared. But how do you teach the Fear of the Lord to a 6 and 4 year old without them.....fearing Him?

A Friday Manifesto

2011-10-07T09:18:00.003-05:00

Manifesto:
— n , pl -tos , -toes
a public declaration of intent, policy, aims, etc, as issued by a political party, government, or cranky woman on medication.

Today I will drink coffee. Real coffee. Now that I can again, it seems like a super power.

Today I will find a way to remind my children that it's fun to make someone else happy. We will make someone happy today, dang it.

Today I will clean my house, all of it. In two hours or less. yep.

Today I will bathe the stinky dog so that he can become part of the family again.

Today we will spend more time outside than inside (so I better get on that house cleaning thing).

Today I will begin to bake my husband's birthday cake, so that tomorrow I am not spending the entire day on a cake that takes entirely too long to make.

Today I will be fun. I'm not sure how, but it will happen. I am a fun girl. FUN GIRL!

Today I will get on "the machine", I will LOVE it, I will RULE it. And then I will shower.

Today I will teach my children, even though we aren't supposed to do school on Fridays. Thankfully they forget it's Friday unless I tell them.

Today will be a good day. A day to remember! A day that the kids go to bed at night saying "wow, Mom, you are so awesome. I'm so glad I get to have you as a Mommy".

And then I will be exhausted and fall into bed.

The End.

Get me off this thing.

2011-10-05T16:50:00.003-05:00

It's a roller coaster.

I used to love roller coasters, back when my body was young and my back was young and my stomach could take things like that....

now I Dramamine up just for a car ride.

A beautiful friend and I were talking the other day about how anxiety simplifies life. Instead of having grand ambitions to be "out there" or "changing the world", now we just want to be good at being a wife and mother. You know, what we're supposed to be doing. We just want to be able to get through our days feeling "normal" enough to be a good mother, good wife, good teacher and go to bed knowing we accomplished what God had for us that day.

I think this is one of the small gifts of these mental issues....

Focus.

The problem is making sure your focus does NOT center on yourself (which is incredibly easy with these issues), but that your focus centers on Christ and the fact that HE is in control and has a reason for this thorn in my flesh. I'm looking for the gifts. I have to look for the gifts to survive this thing.

Good day.
My heartbeat feels normal!
Got all of school done.
Laundry Done, house clean.
I can do this again!
What's that icky feeling?
Oh shoot, my eyes are fuzzy.
Dinner? I can barely stand straight.
Where's my Ativan?

And thus is the up and down. Most days lately are up (thank you Jesus! and zoloft...), but every now and then I wake up like today. Sitting at the table teaching spelling with shaky hands, willing myself to get through it without medication so I won't drag the rest of the day. Praying for God to take it away so I can teach my children!

I don't want this blog to turn into a spill session every day about anxiety and panic disorder, but it makes me feel so much better to write about this. I wonder why that is?

Maybe it's because I'm hoping for a peace in this that will allow me to raise my hands and scream "woohoo!"

Maybe it's because I'm hoping there are friends out there who are waving their arms frantically at the roller coaster Carney saying "hey, she's freaking out! stop the coaster!"

And I know there are, so thank you.

Questioning....

2011-09-30T10:04:00.004-05:00

Why?

Why do I love to do laundry, but HATE to put it away?

Why do I beat myself up over my baby weight (um...he's four now, maybe I should start just calling it "weight"....) and yet feel totally fine with one more spoonful of peanut butter and choose napping over "the machine"?

Why do I flinch every time I hear a plane flying low, as if something is imminent? (yes, I do that.)

Why is it amusing to me to search "words" on pinterest and sit forever laughing at other people's stuff? like this...

and this...

Why do I think my kids should like math, even though I hate it?

Why can I sit and watch two hour movies, or read a novel for hours on end, but when I start to pray my mind wanders....."Dear God, thank you for waking me up today, thank you for .... look at that squirrel"

Why do I have great friends who I never call or contact? Why?

Why, even though I'm feeling shaky and jittery, do I think I can have just one more cup of coffee?

Why, even though I've had every medical test in the world and know there is nothing wrong with me, do I still think I may have a heart problem every time I have a panic attack?

Why do I worry? About anything. What's the point?

Why do I own so many books that I've never read?

I think I'm a confusing person. But, according to pinterest....

Disappearing Act

2011-09-27T18:30:00.006-05:00

So, I disappeared.

I have a tendency to do that when I feel like I have nothing to say. My thoughts, for a while, were not ones that I wanted to share. Battling this thing called "panic disorder" is all-consuming sometimes. Feeling like you can't teach your children because you can't focus your eyes, having difficulty doing anything because it feels like you can't breathe, not knowing if the dizziness caused the stomach ache or if the stomach ache caused the dizziness, but in either case it leading to not being able to breathe....

But God is So faithful. He sent me a Godly doctor who looked me in the face and said the words I needed to hear "it's time to try medication". A few months later, and here I am feeling "normal" (whatever that is....). It took a while. Anyone who has ever tried these medications knows that it takes weeks to help, and in those weeks it makes you worse (atleast, it did me). So, blogging wasn't on my agenda for a while. I'm not sure why, usually it helps me to get out here and say "Look at me! I'm screwed up!", but not this time.

A sweet friend gave me "Streams in the Desert" for my birthday and I have been LIVING in it. I have been soaking up every word from every writer, knowing that God is speaking to me through those pages. God has been teaching me to stop screaming at Him, stop weeping at Him and asking WHY over and over and just rest in Him. Rest in the fact that He really does have it all under control, He knows what He is doing, even if I don't. There is no prayer like the kind of prayer you pray when you are lying in bed struggling to breathe and get your heart rate under control. God has been using this to teach me to pray. To teach me to trust. To teach me to wait.

So, this is my thorn. Atleast, it's my thorn for now, I'm sure there will be more as life goes on. The meds make the thorn quite a bit less painful, but not gone completely - and I'm learning to be thankful for that.

The medication issue coupled with the beginning of our homeschool year and my unexpected addiction to pinterest have kept me from my beloved blog. Hopefully no more! I love this outlet! I love sharing with you guys my crazy life, my hopes and dreams, my prayers, my strange affection for homemaking.

I'm back, blogging world, medicated and unstoppable.

Desperately Seeking Frugality - Comments Please!

2011-08-17T09:40:00.007-05:00

Hear my plea, oh blogging world.

We are a one income family by choice. We believe that God has called me to stay at home and to homeschool the kiddos. I have a degree, I have abilities, I know I could get a job - but i have no desire to because of a calling God has placed on MY life. Not on every one's life, MY life. God brought us through a time where I was going to work every day for a while and leaving my children with someone else during the day and it was further confirmation that I am supposed to be at home.

This does pose a few challenges. My husband is a minister, and while we are SO thankful for his job, we are on a tight budget. So, I feel like my contribution to the family finances is to figure out ways to be as frugal as we can. I am not a couponer, I figured out a long time ago that coupons only work if you buy name brand products, and I rarely do that. I grocery shop at Aldi, they are always cheaper and have virtually no name brands.

I make my own laundry soap, fabric softener, dryer sheets, wrinkle spray, all-purpose cleaner and stain remover. I don't need help in this area, but I'm looking for ideas for all other areas!!!

I read a lot of blogs and websites about homemaking stuff (because I'm weird that way), but I'm looking for real-world, works for your family - advice. What do YOU do. I'm asking for wisdom from my readers, things that your family does to help you be wise with your finances.

COMMENTS PLEASE!!!! Leave advice, recipes, websites, whatever works for you!!!! I promise to give you the credit when we're millionaires, ha!

Same song, 754th verse.

2011-08-01T14:19:00.003-05:00

The sucking vortex has returned. Our catastrophe-laden life has finally culminated in what I was trying to avoid for years.

Medication.

See, when I was diagnosed with a panic disorder 4 years ago I refused medication because it was only happening once every six months or so. Who wants to be constantly medicated for something that happens twice a year? But when it starts happening every other day for several months....you listen to your doctor.

Now for my soapbox about Christians and medication. I'm sure there are people out there with depression/anxiety issues that are fully Spiritual. I'm sure there are people who can pray, and memorize, and fast and the heavens open and it is wiped away. God is a healing God. I fully believe that. I also know that when these issues hit me many years ago I thought that EVERY Christian with these problems could prescribe to the above and get out of it. Result: two years of going mentally insane. Really, ask my husband. Medication was the grace of God in my life. And now, God' grace has yet again come to me in the form of a little blue pill.

If you would like to debate me on this subject, go ahead. BUT, be fully warned, I will probably retort with something akin to "Your Dad must be far from the Lord to rely on Lipitor instead of prayer to keep his heart from exploding".

So, why do I tell you this? I'm seriously unsure. I think it's because I like to be real on this blog, and unless you know that I'm a struggling person just like you are, then how real can it be?

But, no worries friends. I am getting better every day. Medication, cutting out caffeine (UGH) and plans to change my diet right after this LAST TRIP are really going to help. And, in case you are wondering, that is all in addition to prayer, seeking God for the underlying issues, fasting and such. But, prayers are ALWAYS appreciated (it would be silly not to ask...) and comments are lovely as well!

Take THAT Indecision!

2011-07-13T18:03:00.006-05:00

Today was the day. I had been staring at that stack of books for at least a month. Moved them around the house randomly to make myself read them, to no avail. But today, ohhhhh today I woke up with a MISSION.

Yesterday I sat with two of my dearest new friends (so strange to say "new" because I feel like I've known these beauties forever) and we talked homeschool. We all brought our books and catalogs, and our children, and while nine children ran wild we DISCUSSED. "What did you use for math....", "did you like that spelling book?" and on and on it went. After much coffee, laffy taffys and some Kool-Aide which apparently had tilapia in it, I went home with a RESOLVE to get this DONE.

This morning I laid it all out. Observe in the picture that I even set out a snack and coffee for myself so that I would NOT get up from the table. I gave a speech to my children about how Mommy was going to go insane for a while and not pay any attention to anyone, they would have to fend for themselves and were free to watch as much television and play as much wii as they wanted. You should have seen the look on their faces. And then I dug in. I made list after list, I googled and homeschool-reviewed, I priced and scratched out, I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! 6 Hours later. Seriously.

You have no idea how sad I was that when I finished my final draft no balloons and confetti fell from the ceiling.

A few minutes ago while cooking supper I realized I was dancing around the kitchen. Sometimes I do that, but it's a rare moment because it's only when I'm REALLY relaxed, like when I go visit my parents and feel like a kid again with no responsibilities. Apparently this was weighing on me even more than I knew.

So, take THAT indecision! I am a woman with a PLAN!

Procrastinator

2011-07-10T18:24:00.009-05:00

I have been procrastinating blogging. I have no idea why.

Do you ever do that? Procrastinate something you love to do with no valid reason for doing it? Okay, maybe that's just me.

Blogging is not the only thing I've been procrastinating since my last post about my amazing Daddy. I have been procrastinating one of the biggest decisions of the summer that will affect my entire year beginning the end of August.....what homeschool curriculum to choose. ugh. double ugh.

See, I'm going to let you in on some little known facts about homeschoolers that non-homeschoolers may not realize. We are not all sure of ourselves. We are not all put together. We do not all know what we are doing.

It's possible that after "outing" that fact there will be a mob of women on my lawn very soon burning crosses in my front yard.

If you start reading homeschooling blogs and websites you will get the impression that we all know exactly what we're doing, that we all have amazing plans, amazingly well-behaved children that follow right in line with said plans, and amazingly clean houses in spite of the homeschooling because we also are homemaking goddesses who manufacture our own cleaning supplies and bake our own bread while simultaneously teaching our 4 year old astrophysics.

Well, that is SO close to my life, I must admit (insert psychotic laughter here).

I forgot, for a while, a most obvious blogging world fact. People only really blog about things they are good at. So, those moms who fit the description above feel like they owe it to the world to share with those of us who sometimes suck at whatever they are advocating. For every homeschooling mom blog out there that has it all together there are at least 1000 homeschooling moms at home hiding in their closet, rocking back and forth, sucking their thumb while mumbling something like "is it Sonlight or Charlotte Mason, or should I go with ACE? Am I an unschooler or a school-at-homer or *insert whimper here* are my kids going to get into college if I completely screw them up?"

You see, the decision TO homeschool is really not the only decision. There are tons of decisions after that. You could read a book on homeschooling every day of the week for a year and all of them will tell you a different way to do it. John and I had a long car discussion the other day about how I plan to spend the rest of my summer coming up with my own homeschooling mission statement. I want to be able to fully express my method and goals for my homeschool.

When I figure that out I'll let you know. It will probably be sometime around when my kids are filling out college applications.

The funny thing was that as I was trying to explain my dilemma to John and all the different options and methods before me I was using someone elses words. Everyone elses words. I have no words of my own. Yet.

I am FULLY behind our decision TO homeschool. I have not wavered on that fact. We have just not figured out the best way for us to do it yet. I know that we cannot stick with a curriculum that is a five day a week, check off a list and if you are behind you are BEHIND - our life is just too crazy for that. I can see panic attack after panic attack with that type of study. But that is the only thing I KNOW, there are so many other options that all the things I'm unsure of FAR outweigh the things I am sure of.

But see, just as I start to hyperventilate I remember that Sadie reads on a third grade level and Jack knows how to use phrases like "Viscous solution" and makes up names for his toys like "the spoon of technology". (this paragraph had a two-fold purpose, one: to finish my thought two: to let all you non-homeschoolers know that my children are not idiots.)

So, I sit here next to a stack of curriculum catalogs and another stack of books on homeschooling and wonder when the decision will come. Could be today, could be a month from now, but surely there will be a decision and then whatever the decision school starts in August! Or September....

Surely I'll figure it out before THEY start homeschooling my grand kids.

An Open Letter to My Daddy

2011-06-19T21:00:00.011-05:00

Yep, even at 34 I still think of you as "Daddy". I'm pretty sure that I call you "Dad" to your face, but in my head I revert to a six year old. The six year old Daddy's girl who wanted to follow you around.

I'm not sure I've ever really communicated it well, but I'm pretty sure I am who I am today because of you. I mean, because of God of course, but because of God using you to awaken in me a desire for Him.

You were always a springboard for me. Someone I could come to with spiritual questions and we would just sit in your office, you in your chair and me on that plaid couch, and just talk. You knew something was wrong with me when I would avoid that couch.

You never held me back, spiritually. Never treated me like a kid. When I was unsatisfied with our youth group Sunday school classes you always let me sit in on your adult one. Sometimes it was even an adult men's class, but you never once told me I didn't belong there. I wanted to learn and you wanted me to learn.

I watched your hunger for knowledge about the Bible and about other religions and followed along when you taught all those classes. The 12 year old sitting in the adult class on Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, abortion.....but you never treated me like I was too young. Like it didn't matter to me yet, you just let me learn.

You taught me to not take myself too seriously. Sometimes by pointing out my zits in front of my friends....but hey.

Sophomore year of college you were the last piece of the puzzle to me feeling free to break off a 7 year relationship that I knew was not where the Lord wanted me. I knew that you and Mom loved him like a son and was holding on because I was so worried about disappointing you. Then out of the blue one weekend when I was home (ironing my dress for church, I even remember where i was standing) you asked me if I was happy. I didn't even tell the truth, I said yes, but then you said I didn't have to stay with him just to make everyone else happy. I had never even told you I was struggling with this, you just knew.

When I would bring John home for weekends in college you would sit and talk to him the way you always talked to me. The two of you would debate and talk for hours. I would have to remind you that your daughter was home too.....

You have supported me every step of the way. Through years of mission work in Canada, a dozen moves, a hard job, a hard fall, new jobs and tons of adventure.

In our ministry position (and in the youth ministry before this) we are deep in the personal lives of young people and I can tell you that what I have with you is VERY rare. It is practically unheard of. Dysfunction is the norm. You are a blessing. A blessing that I have always thought of as normal, but you are far from normal. (and I mean that in a good way, ha!)

Thank you is too small. I love you is too over-said. How about - we are striving to be like you. I want my kids to sit on the couch and talk to John and I the way I talked to you. I want my kids to feel supported by us the way we have always felt supported by you and Mom.

I want to be you when I grow up.

June Happenings at the Schaffner Sanitarium

2011-06-16T10:36:00.011-05:00

Well, it's official. The crazy summer is here. In writing everything we have to do in June/July/August on my calendar my heart rate began to increase, as did my breathing. That was last week, and in thinking through this blog post I decided it would be fun to take a picture of our June calendar just for funnsies and post it. Problem.

I lost my calendar.

Yeah, that can't be good for an over packed summer. Whatev.

This summer we have youth camps to attend (3 of them...), weddings to celebrate, family to visit, all the regular stuff, only jacked up on caffeine and pumped up with steroids. At least, that's how I view our calendar. But hey, life would be boring without tons of activity, right? If you agree with that statement please visit my previous post here.

The June fun began with a visit from the Rhodes family of Minneapolis, MN. Or, as my good friend Jessica calls it "Sexy Minnesota". Anyway... They were passing through town and called to see if we could have lunch and of course we said HECK YES! Ben was a great friend of mine in college and I had not had a good Ben-conversation since a friends wedding years ago so it was due! His wife, who I KICK myself for not getting to know in college, is AMAZING and now considering going on a BCM mission trip to Haiti in December - so very productive! It was a fun afternoon of George's burgers, two four year old boys at one end of the table crashing hot wheels cars (very loudly, sorry George's customers....) and two six year old girls at the other end coloring, giggling, and singing Christmas songs together (?) while the four of us caught up in the middle. Don't you love those people you can NOT see for 10 years and then you get together and it feels like last week? Yeah.

And onto another matter....I will home school forever simply to avoid the chaos of getting kids ready to go somewhere early every morning. How do you people DO THAT? I mean, without losing your mind? This is what VBS has taught me. The first two days of VBS I was keeping my sis-in-laws four children. Do the math - me getting six kids ready to all be somewhere at 9 AM. Chaos = Amy losing her sanity! The kids were all great, it's just ALOT of children in a not very big house adds up to a very high noise level......

Our house is infested with ants. We have had an exterminator, I've used ant poison, ant spray, Lysol (very effective...) and tried homemade remedies. They are fighters. My two year old niece saw one crawling on the table and said "Aunt Amy, there's an ant", so my natural reply was "Squish it with your thumb, Emmy, and say 'Die, die'", so i turned around to see her do exactly what I suggested. Only with a squished face and venom in her voice. I'm such a good babysitter.

I've been reading alot more lately (see my post here, to know why...) and in doing so have ventured outside the Focus on the Family-approved reading list. I generally stay in the Christian realm of reading, not necessarily on purpose, just because I have such a backlog of things I have meant to get around to. But, my previously mentioned friend Jessica suggested The Pioneer Woman's book "Black heels to Tractor Wheels" some time ago and I finally dived it. I'm a bit obsessed now. I love her. And I may make John start wearing wranglers just because her book has made me have a new appreciation for cowboys. Now I'm a regular creeper on her blog as well, I want to be Ree when I grow up.

Next up - a camp next week, a wedding in the weekend (Sadie gets to be a flower girl!), a trip home to cuddle my beautiful niece, Ruthie and then back here to get ready for....another camp!

Have to say, I'm thankful that God gives me a good laugh every now and then to help me keep perspective. Like this morning when I checked my mail and found this.

(front of postcard, black box added by me. I have had stalkers before.....)

(back of card.....?)

This made me giggle, alot. I'm sure if any neighbors were watching this I confirmed their suspicions about me....

I think I need to reread my own posts about slowing down....

Does evil have any place in our lives?

2011-06-10T09:03:00.006-05:00

I've been puzzling through some things lately that I think I need some help figuring out. Would you like to go on a quest with me? Trying to "discern what is pleasing to the Lord," together? (Eph. 5:10)

As a devoted follower of Christ, should evil have any place in my life?

That's the question.

Now before you pop off with the "of course not, that's an easy question", let me continue....

I am drawn to crime television. I have NO idea why this is, but it is. I have watched Law & Order since fifth grade (when it started) and have watched all Law & Order's that have subsequently branched off from it. My favorite is SVU. Yeah, Sexual Victims Unit. I think "Criminal Minds" is amazingly interesting. "Lie to Me" has been my most recent delving into the mind of the criminal. I could go on.

When we were in our floundering stage as a family, living with Mother-in-law and having no idea where we were headed next, I avoided the thoughts in my head during naptime by DVRing all Law & Order SVU's and watching several in a row while my kids were sleeping. This went on for atleast a month and the personality change in me was startling. I saw the ugly come out, and I knew that it was because I was not only avoiding God during my only quiet time of the day, but filling my head with evil. The really vile kind of evil. When I felt God telling me this I quit SVU cold turkey.

But then John and I started watching "Criminal Minds" in bed before we went to sleep at night. From vile to...what's worse than vile....twisted? Why do we fill our minds with these things and call them "entertainment"?? Thankfully it didn't take as long for me to realize this was not a good idea for me. Sleep became bad dreams, and waking became me looking at everyone around me as a potential pedophile/serial killer/wacko.

In talking about this a few weeks ago with a group of college students as we were just sitting around chatting one of the guys started talking about one of the "Criminal Minds" he had watched a few days ago. The story was awful. I pointed out to him that he had just made the statement "he raped her and then killed her and cut her head off " with the same inflections he would have said "I had a burger for lunch today". I haven't seen him since then.

But that's the issue, right? We are so desensitized to evil now that we watch it as entertainment. But my question is, how far do we as Christians go with this? I will say that I have felt God leading me away from "entertainment" that does nothing but fill my mind with evil. I am not questioning YOUR choices, I am stating that God has shown me what MINE should be.

But maybe I am questioning YOUR choices. Maybe I'm questioning all of ours.

We teach our kids the 10 commandments, but most of the television/movies we watch will eventually break either "Thou shalt not murder" or "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and we don't even blink. We watch "Desperate Housewives" as entertainment, but if our neighbor was doing the same thing we would be horrified and praying for her soul. Where is the disconnect? Would I ever go sit with popcorn and watch through my neighbor's window and be entertained? Of course not, that is not only illegal but sounds ridiculous. But what is the difference?

He's smart and sneaky, that Satan. In our homes, no matter what we do, if we have a TV he has a way in. (I state this as someone who has a TV, TVs are not inherently bad...) It's not the television, it's our sin nature that craves these things and chooses to fill our minds with things that do not edify us.

So, I've pretty much stopped watching television. I have found that it does not help me in the "making the best use of my time, because the days are evil"(Eph. 515) category. I have attempted to find shows that I can watch without my Spirit being "checked" so that I have something to watch that will keep me on my treadclimber for 45 minutes. I think I'm just going to have to switch to podcasts, because so far on Netflix that show does not exist.

So, in stopping watching TV I've been reading more. I love to read. But you have to be just as choosy with your reading selections as you do with your television selections. Case in point: Ted Dekker. I have always loved Ted Dekker. His Green/Red/Black/White series is one of my favorites. In the last two weeks I have read two of his books "The Bride Collector" and "The Priest's Graveyard". Both interesting novels. Both Good vs. evil and Good prevails. But here's the thing, the whole book filled my mind with evil until the end where good prevailed. That's my question for you - is that okay? I mean, yes, God won in the end and it was a story of the love of God prevailing over the evil of Satan - but for 150 pages I was "entertained" by the evil.

Does this jive with Psalm 34:14 "Turn away from evil", or Psalm 101:3 "I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless", or Ephesians 5:11-12 "Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret."

I'm working through this and how it plays out in my life. I don't want to become one of those weirdo Christian fanatics who get rid of their televisions and only reads things endorsed by Focus on the Family. Especially because we home school. People already think that's weird, so we would just put the last nail in the coffin.

*Disclaimer* if this describes you, I'm sorry. I was joking....mostly.

What do you think? I'm looking for honest feedback. Help me figure this out! Is Amish the only way? Can I finish the season of "Flash Forward" on the treadclimber without feeling like I need to ask forgiveness? What do you think about all of this? How do you discern what is good/bad for your family? Comments, please!