pilgrimage journal

being uncompromising

2012-05-24T14:55:00.000-05:00

A conversation the other day left me uneasy, wondering if I'm being too stubborn or unyielding, and hindering community life not so differently from the new "uncompromising" Tea Party politicians who are making our government more dysfunctional than ever. If no one compromises, how can anything get done?

Thinking about it, though, I was reminded that Jesus also was a bit uncompromising, and seemed to teach his followers to act likewise. Yet he obviously bore little resemblance to the Tea Party politicians. One of the biggest differences I see is that those politicians (like all politicians and their supporters) work to gain political power to implement their "uncompromising" ideas, and use that power to oppose the efforts of others who disagree with them. Jesus wasn't like that. In the discussions about the current problems in our government, the focus is usually on the unwillingness to compromise, or the strong convictions that our own views are the correct ones. But I think the bigger problem is the addition of political power. Being uncompromising or having strong convictions does not hinder others if that person remains poor and weak. It doesn't stop things from getting done. And it doesn't punish those who disagree with us; if anyone gets punished in a disagreement, it's the weak one.

If we're going to be uncompromising and weak, then it's ourselves that we're putting at risk. That's why it's so important that we're standing for the truth, that we're standing with God, because if we're not than we're the ones who are going to suffer.

Even if we don't have political power, though, or the support of many people, our immovability may cause us to not personally help in certain community efforts. Which is usually seen as a detriment to unity and a weakening of the group's ability to accomplish things. But that's only considered harmful if the only power we have on our side is the power of united people, i.e. political power. That is weakened whenever people drop out. But if the group is seeking God's way and hoping to experience and participate in God's power, then a reduction in numbers is no hindrance. God's power is more than enough. And, conversely, if a person is taking a stand for the truth and relying on God's power, it doesn't matter if many people are against him or will not help him. Because it's not by human power but by God's power that the real good gets done.

whoever is ashamed

2012-05-19T10:55:00.000-05:00

"For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels." (Lk 9.26)

It seems odd, but it is sometimes very hard not to be ashamed about speaking Jesus' words to people. In the face of real suffering the promises sometimes seem so unreal (and unrealizable) that they can easily sound ridiculous, or even cruel.

I'm struggling not to be shamed into silence.

2012-05-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

Another old Bloom County from the Deathtongue series...

what God has joined together

2012-05-10T16:48:00.004-05:00

Today gay marriage is the top news story. The president yesterday said he supported it, the first time a president has said so. And North Carolinians voted overwhelmingly to add a constitutional amendment banning it in their state.

The arguments for equal civil rights make sense to most people, it's just the "marriage" part that many object to. And this objection usually has something to do with religion. What seems to be overlooked, however, is that if we really believe what the bible (and Jesus) taught about marriage, then the whole fight over gay marriage becomes irrelevant.

When asked about divorce, Jesus said this about marriage: "They are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder." Thus marriage is God's doing. We human beings can't make "one flesh" from two. No matter what the president or lawmakers or judges (or bishops) decide, the nature or marriage and the reality of marriage between any two people is not changed. The civil rights and social obligations may change; those are the creations of our society and we can do with them as we please. But marriage is God's creation, each and every time. Only God gets to decide who is married, who is made one flesh.

It's not our decision to make. Lawmakers cannot stop God from uniting two people in marriage, and activists can't insist on the "marriage" of two people God has not united. The best we can do is try to truthfully discern God's work, what God has done among us. And rejoice in it.

a need

2012-05-07T16:41:00.002-05:00

In a conversation with Heather this past weekend (while we were out in the cabin celebrating our anniversary) the topic of "hearing God" came up. That's been something of greater interest to me recently, a part of "the prophetic aspect of faith." It's also been an area of deep struggle and confusion for me this past month, since the miscarriage. Because I certainly didn't see that coming. I actually thought God was telling me we wouldn't lose the baby. Being so wrong about that hit me very hard.

The obvious response to that kind of experience is to just accept that we can only "hear God" very imperfectly, if at all. And learn to live with that.

But I've found myself unable to let go of the desire for a more prophetic hearing, despite the pain and confusion, almost to the point of feeling that I can't let it go. And not quite knowing why, either. Talking with Heather, though, I think I realized that there may be an important reason, beyond some fearful grasping for certitude or presumptuous claim to know more than any human being can know. I don't think it's just a desire, but actually a need. Because the less we follow the well-worn paths of life, and stay within the boundaries set by other people, the more we need to hear the guidance that God is giving us. The further out of the boat we are, the more we need to feel Jesus hand grasping ours. When the people around us are not showing us the way forward (but rather yelling for us to turn back) then we need to hear God's voice clearly.

So if I can't learn to live without it, what do I need to do? I guess I need to focus more on discernment. Clearly I have not heard God well enough lately. I remember thinking before that one unique aspect of God's way of speaking is that he doesn't have to speak only by one means, or one mouth. God can get through to us by speaking from many different sides, through people and circumstances and prayer, on and on. It's easy to fool ourselves with voices in our own heads. God's voice is much deeper, and much more interwoven through all of reality. I need to pay more attention to that and be more discerning. I really need to.

again

2012-04-28T12:53:00.000-05:00

I heard this song today and it made me cry. It really resonates with my recent feelings. I think I'll take it to our worship group tonight. "Again," by Flyleaf:

I love the way that your heart breaks
With every injustice and deadly fate.
Praying it all will be new,
And living like it all depends on you.

Here you are down on your knees again,
Trying to find air to breathe again.
Only surrender will help you now.
I love you, please see and believe again.

I love that you're never satisfied
With face value wisdom, and happy lies.
You take what they say and go back and cry.
You were so close to me that you nearly died.

Here you are down on your knees again,
Trying to find air to breathe again.
Only surrender will help you now.
I love you, please see and believe again

They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still

Here you are down on your knees again,
Trying to find air to breathe again.
Only surrender will help you now.
The flood gates are breaking and falling out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right were I want you to be again
I love you, please see and believe again
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe.

2012-04-23T13:20:00.000-05:00

They're rerunning the Bloom County series where they start a heavy metal band. I remember clipping these out of the paper day by day when I was a young head-banger in college.

what living in the kingdom of God means

2012-04-20T10:49:00.000-05:00

"... Seek his kingdom, and these things shall be yours as well. Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." (Lk 12.31-32)

The abrupt end of Heather's pregnancy really sent me reeling. As I think back over the past two weeks, I wish I had responded better in many moments, and am grateful that more was not asked of me. But I suppose times like these are when we learn the most about ourselves. On top of the feelings of loss, I've just been so confused. And frightened.

It seemed to me that the experience really threatened my ability (or willingness) to trust God, because I thought I had trusted so hard. And then had been completely let down. I think that has had a lot to do with my deep confusion, and has scared me about my future.

I told myself that our faith, our trust in God, is most challenged when we don't understand what God is doing, or when we don't agree with what God seems to be doing. That's the hardest time to trust. That's when we show whether we'll only trust God when things are going as we think they should, only when we approve the plan. I do think this is true. But it didn't console me very much.

Perhaps I was feeling let down on some deeper level, like some foundational belief had been brought into question. Jesus' promises of God's care and protection and liberation have meant so much to me, both for my own life and as the most important thing I have to offer to others (especially those who come here for retreats). I knew those promises weren't an assurance that nothing bad would ever happen to us. But maybe experiencing such a deep personal loss was showing me the difference between accepting that as a possibility and living with it as a painful reality. It raised the question even more strongly when I thought that our loss was actually much less than what many others have experienced, including many who come to our retreats.

I have felt it is very important that trusting in God should make a real difference in our lives, in our lived experience, a difference that could be seen. That's how it was with Jesus. Not just a different attitude about the usual joys and pains of life, but that the circumstances and experiences were actually different, even miraculously different, because of God's response to those who looked to him in faith. I think Jesus' words and life promised us that. That's the good news I've wanted to share with people. But suddenly it was very hard to see where the difference was in my life, as I grieved just like so many others have grieved.

As I was struggling with this, I kept being drawn back to Jesus' invitation into the kingdom of God, that this was the different life we were being offered. It certainly did appear markedly different as Jesus lived it. Yet there was also grief and loss and disappointment. Even questions and dismay about God's purposes at times. Yet Jesus still demonstrated a noticeable freedom and power that made his life different. Maybe that was even more apparent in those times of pain and questions.

I believe what Jesus demonstrated is that we can trust God to always provide all that we need to be free to love and do good. So even in times where we must go through pain or loss, or afflictions and oppressions from other people, God will bring whatever is needed to give us freedom in those situations. It may be financial resources or the help of a friend or a spiritual experience. But we can trust God for real help, real things, real intervention to free us. Not simply to spare our suffering but to allow us to be our good self, a unique loving presence, the presence of God in the world. In all situations, at all times, throughout our whole life. That's what living in the kingdom of God means.

That is the good news that I needed to hear. In my present grief, but also in my concerns about the challenges of fatherhood, and in my hopes that our retreats can offer real encouragement to those who come. I don't think I'll soon forget this lesson.

2012-04-16T13:31:00.006-05:00

This past week we suffered a miscarriage. I'm stunned and can't say anything at the moment.

2012-04-07T20:48:00.000-05:00

The Two Disciples at the Tomb by Henry Tanner, one of my favorites at the Art Institute of Chicago

the mercy of not being recognized

2012-04-04T10:32:00.002-05:00

It hasn't felt much like Lent this year. With the very early spring it seems like the new life of Easter (and a new pregnancy) began pushing Lenten repentance out of the way almost before it began. But I do have one reflection that fits the Lenten theme.

I spoke with a friend the other day who remarked, "So, Paul the walker is going to have a baby." It struck me because thoughts of becoming a parent has made me wonder if my life's becoming more "normal" or less inspiring or at least less noticeable, hidden among a lot of ordinary human tasks. It's a thought I've had before. And I've been wondering if that's something I should be concerned about.

The story of Jesus' path to the crucifixion is far from ordinary. Yet reading that story I was reminded that this was a path that Jesus asked to be spared from. And I also recalled a thought I've had before, that to be recognized publicly as close follower of Jesus also sets us up to be treated publicly as he was. It's easy in our "Christian" society to think that recognition as a good Jesus-follower leads to acclaim and success. But that's far from the truth. It's far from what Jesus told us to expect. To be recognized as truly acting and speaking as Jesus did leads directly to the kind of end that Jesus experienced. This is not something to be envied or desired. Jesus knew what true recognition meant and he did not desire that path.

To follow Jesus and not be widely recognized is thus a mercy. Jesus was spared of it for maybe thirty years. I should be grateful to be spared of it also, especially if it allows a time of relative peace and stability for the nurturing of a child. I think there will definitely be a times, for all Jesus' followers, to be recognized and face the consequences of that. But it's not something to rush into with reckless zeal; that only shows we don't understand what we're doing. Obedience to God means accepting God's timing and accepting what God gives. Including the mercy of not being recognized.

2012-03-30T16:30:00.002-05:00

thanks chico.

"is He not able?"

2012-03-27T16:37:00.000-05:00

Thoughts of a child coming have again brought forward the challenges of looking to God day to day for provision. Those challenges were always present when I was out on the road, and I was confronted with them again when we got married and attempted to begin life together here on the farm. Five years later, we've seen how God has provided for us. Not exactly what I expected but certainly no complaints. Many things have been given that seem overwhelmingly generous on God's part, much more than what was needed. But even after getting used to that, it again seems a bit daunting to wonder how all the needs of a child can be met.

I found some encouraging words in a letter I wrote almost eight years ago. Responding to some hard questions of a friend, I answered:

I agree that God loves our children even more than we do and is ultimately concerned with their care and safety. So why would I not trust him to provide for them just as well (or better) than he has provided for me? Is he not able? Has he not promised to do so? Do I really need to take things back into my own hands if I get married and have children (because the risk is just too great)?

We're just beginning baby preparations, but already I see signs of God's provision. Baby clothes offered by a friend. Another friend to teach Heather about making diapers. A good playpen found next door after our neighbors moved away. And a nice crib in storage in our apartment, which I found I could bring up to safety code with a replacement part from the manufacturer. More importantly, not far away there is a hospital with a birthing center staffed with nurse midwives, much better for Heather than the usual obstetric units. And today we found out we qualify for medical coverage for Heather and the baby, which means the birth will not cost us anything. Because of the talk of mandatory medical insurance over two years ago, I'd thought about the possibility of accepting government coverage, and had to admit that God could provide through such services also sometimes. It still makes me a little nervous, but our experience so far has been good. I feel like I had been gradually prepared to receive what was being offered to us now. That gift, however, raises the need for transportation to interviews and the many check-ups. But it looks like we can ride along on the bakery's weekly deliveries, which go right near the birthing center.

There are still many, many needs ahead of course. But I am reminded that those needs also provide the occasions for faith, with greater challenges calling for greater faith. And greater joy when God shows himself in those moments.

2012-03-22T16:49:00.001-05:00

Spring has come early, and suddenly. A week of uncommon warmth and now everything is green and flowering. The bees are feasting among the peach and cherry blossoms. Spring beauties everywhere in the grass.

Life is emerging from all its winter hiding places.

I give you

2012-03-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

A recent poem by Heather:

I give you my body
The sweat of my brow
The strength of my shoulders
Exhausted, poured out
Into the furrows
Into the land
Into this fruit
That I place in your hand.

I give you my body
The strength in my veins
The life in my bosom
Offered and drained
To nourish and warm you
To help you grow strong
My child, take joy now
Drink deep and long.

I give you my body
I give you my word
In bread I am broken
In wine I am poured
I love you as you love
The ones whom you feed
I give you my body
Take it and eat.

2012-03-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

"even the sparrow"

2012-03-15T11:30:00.000-05:00

The day before yesterday I climbed up to close some spaces under the eaves where bids had gotten into the building and built nests last year. Then yesterday morning I noticed a couple sparrows up there. It seemed unlikely that they had laid eggs this early, but they were trying really hard to get in where I had closed a hole. Then, for a moment, I thought I heard some tiny little peeps.

I quickly climbed back up and opened that hole. I was feeling especially compassionate to their efforts, I suppose, because we recently found out that Heather is pregnant.

It reminded me of these lines from one of Heather's favorite Psalms:

Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young,
at thy altars, O Lord of hosts,
my King and my God.

2012-03-13T11:54:00.003-05:00

My soul glorifies the Lord,
my spirit rejoices in God my savior.
He looks on his servant in her lowliness...

the process

2012-03-09T14:42:00.000-06:00

Recently I noticed a well known political commentator talking about the importance of the presidential primary process. She expressed confidence that the process would sort out who was be the best candidate for her party. That reminded me of a conversation I'd once had about communal decision-making.

A contentious issue had become very heated, and I'd been pleading for an upcoming meeting to be cancelled, to avoid bringing the issue to a crisis point. I thought it would certainly damage relationships and lead to a break in the community. But my friend insisted that bringing it before the group and taking the usual consensus decision-making steps would lead to some good result (though what that might be wasn't clear at the time). "I believe in the process," he said.

The outcome of that particular process didn't impress me, however. From what I could see, it resulted in even more damage that I expected. And in my years in community life I've seen quite a few other processes end in failure (or worse) as well. It has certainly left me with no great faith in "the process."

What are our processes, after all? Merely human organizational models and techniques. Political procedures, designed based on our experience getting groups of people to cooperate. Ways of gathering and maintaining the support of the majority. Certainly there is acquired wisdom to be seen in processes that have lasted for years. But ultimately our processes are still the products of human beings, carried out by human beings, and only as trustworthy as human beings.

I don't believe in the process. I don't believe in the political wisdom of human beings, but in the wisdom of God ("foolishness to the Greeks..."). If I wanted to gain the support of the majority, I should certainly follow their processes. But if I want the support of God, those processes are worthless. I'd rather ignore those processes consistently, to demonstrate that I look to God for my help rather than men.

That's not to reject people, since God uses everyone for his purposes, and I know much of my help will come through them. But I do reject their faith in the process.

So far, my early experiments in side-stepping the process have been encouraging, and liberating. (And hopefully maybe a little inspiring.)

the long view

2012-03-05T10:43:00.002-06:00

Starting a family encourages "the long view," I think. Looking further down the road, years ahead instead of days ahead. Planning and acting with long term goals in mind.

That becomes more important also in our spiritual lives, I'm finding. God's work with us and others is often very long term, since our turning and growth is usually very gradual. So to understand what God is doing we also need to be able to see further down the road, see God's long term goals. If we don't adjust to this way of seeing then I think we'll experience frustration after frustration. I've certainly experienced my share of that.

God's promises help with this. Also the prophetic aspects of faith. To give us some assurance that we will eventually reach God's long term goals, that we'll eventually get there, no matter how our situation looks at the moment. That can help us enter and move through some pretty dark places. Could Jesus have turned towards Jerusalem that final time without the prophetic assurance of what the outcome would be? Many of God's promises are very long term, as in end times long term. We can always cling to those. But I think a deepening intimacy with God can also offer us some long views that aren't quite so long, to give hope and direction for the more immediate future. I've found that to be an increasingly important part of my faith life.

Heather and I enjoyed a week away, in Florida with my parents. Some good surprises that I'll talk more about later. Now it's nice to be back home, but I'm also hit with the tangle of problems and suffering relationships that exist here. That's turned my eyes to the long view as well. To what will be, not because I want it or can make it happen, but because God is giving it.

2012-02-26T13:29:00.001-06:00

Behold, as the eyes of servants
look to the hand of their master,
as the eyes of a maid
to the hand of her mistress,
so our eyes look to the Lord our God,
till he have mercy upon us.
Ps 123

the roads not taken

2012-02-25T15:13:00.000-06:00

I suppose every big decision stirs up thoughts about the alternative paths that will have to be given up. Having kids brings up those concerns for most people, I expect. Heather and I talked about this a little last night before falling asleep (before I fell asleep, that is, as I can never last for long once hitting the mattress).

The lure of the many roads not taken is mostly illusion, though, I think. We can dream anything, but the actual possibilities available to us are limited by lots of things. That goes against the cultural mantra that we can be anything we want to be. But most of us see through that lie pretty early in life. There are real choices for us, but not limitless choices.

And, really, as a follower of Jesus, I wonder if the fixation on choosing the path for our life is even appropriate. Isn't that the point of being a "follower"? That we're not deciding the path to take?

Instead of the focus on choosing and then making it happen, it seems our focus should be on listening and then walking through the door opened for us. Not making a life for ourselves, but embracing the life given to us. Given by God, that is. That's not the same as accepting the life ordained for us by our elders or by our society. But looking to God for the opportunities and path that he opens before us, and trusting that our deepest desires are also from God and are meant to find fulfillment on the path he shows us.

Probably the poor and the marginalized in society grasp this more easily than the privileged. They know they cannot live any life they want, no illusions there. And they're often more eager and accepting of opportunities presented to them. Not dismissive, expecting a better offer. In that, they're closer to the kingdom of God.

That's what I think we should be looking for. Not the best life that we can manage to build for ourselves, but the kingdom of God. Looking for the kingdom to be revealed in the opportunities and community that God leads us into, as imperfect as those might look to us. In any case, the kingdom of God is not something we're going to be able to create or even discover by managing our choices correctly. It's definitely going to be a gift, and probably appear (again and again) where we didn't expect to find it.

Doesn't that take the pressure off? The fulfillment of our desires is not going to be in the life we might (one day) assemble for ourselves, but in the life God has been giving to us all along.

2012-02-17T20:12:00.003-06:00

The sap's running right now. It reminded me of this Chico original.

2012-02-15T17:31:00.000-06:00

The experience of being forgiven
makes everything seem new.

the prophetic aspect of faith

2012-02-13T11:28:00.001-06:00

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." (Heb 11.1)

I've been thinking about the prophetic experience again. I've written about it before, mostly focusing on the prophetic role in relation to others, how that serves the community. But I think I'm seeing the prophetic experience as an important aspect of my own faith as well.

It's the waiting in faith that I often find so hard. I've written about "waiting on the Lord" many times, as expressions and means of reassurance in that struggle. Often holding to God's promises has been extremely helpful in my waiting. And I'm discovering that God's prophetic words to us are another form of his promises, not just revealing what will happen but assuring us of what God will do. That has been important to me at many crucial moments in my life, when waiting has been especially hard. "The assurance of things hoped for," the prophetic aspect of faith.

Not that we have to know everything that God is doing, or that we have any right to know. But Jesus told his followers, "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." (Jn 15.15) That's a gift, an act of grace, God letting us in on what he is doing. And not just in some general, universal sense, but also in the specific circumstances of our own lives. To help us wait, and also perhaps to help us cooperate with what God is doing. Again, this is not something God owes us. But I'm grateful God chooses not to leave his friends in the dark.