Pillage Idiot

An annotated Pillage Idiot sampler

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 12:13:00 +0000

Given my decision to retire from writing Pillage Idiot after more than four years, I thought I'd leave you with a sampler of my writing, organized by subject matter. This is mostly a matter of vanity for me, a kind of proof of my own existence. And since it took me a while to retrieve all of this, it's nice to have it in one place.

I. Political Humor

A. Photo Comics

I was never a big admirer of Bill Clinton while he was in office, but I truly enjoyed writing Bill Clinton photo comics. I sort of imagined I was inside his head, expressing what he would have said candidly after about, oh, a half dozen beers. He was a little afraid of Hillary, but he had complete disdain for her political abilities -- she was "politically tone-deaf," and he, after all, was the politician par excellence. Still, she was his ticket back to the White House, and he had to put up with her. He hated Obama, who had arrogantly and falsely accused him -- the real first black President -- of being a racist, and yet Bill somehow couldn't stop himself from saying a bunch of vaguely racist things. And, of course, he was always looking for women. I also had him make a joke in each comic where he was smugly pleased with himself, and I used the same image of him half-smiling and half-smirking over it as the next frame, with no text.

So, first, Bill tried to get contributions for Hillary's campaign by arguing that she'd be really tough with our enemies. ("And then, she'd kick [Assad] in the nuts and take his wallet.") He mocked her plan for national health care. ("It's excruciating watching someone related to me -- even by marriage -- being so damn clueless. I feel my own pain.") But he stood up for her, sort of, when the Post's fashion critic wrote that Hillary had shown cleavage on the Senate floor. ("That's not cleavage. THIS is cleavage.") As the campaign went on and on, and Hillary's future looked bleaker and bleaker, he began to show the strain by verbally abusing a six-year-old girl interviewing him for her elementary school newspaper. ("What the hell am I doing talking to a kid who probably still wets her bed at night? Hmmm?") And he snapped back at the New York Times for criticizing the way he was campaigning. ("I'm gonna say this again: I did not have purple faced, squinty-eyed, finger-shaking tirades in this campaign.") Finally, after the primary votes were in, he agreed to campaign for Obama in the general election, but first he made him, figuratively, eat a poo sandwich. ("And then, I made him sing 'Swanee River' over dessert.") And once Obama had won, Bill explained why he'd forced Hillary on Obama as Secretary of State. Hint: We haven't seen the last of the former president.

Hillary was a less enjoyable character to use, possibly because, once you got past her total contempt for you and everyone else ("I'm a Yale-trained lawyer who lived worked in the White House for 8 years. This is my 7th year as a senator. And what have YOU done? Clean toilets in an office building?") and her disgust for "that son of a bitch I'm married to," there wasn't all that much there. But those themes were good enough for three comics -- her remixed speech announcing her candidacy (which somehow involved cow flatulence); her response to Kate Michelman's claim that John Edwards would be the first woman president ("Just because you're effeminate it doesn't make you a woman."); and her indignant response to Obama's claim she was making racist statements ("This is MY bus, and I intend to sit in the front. If Barack wants to be on the bus, he can damn well sit in the back and wait his turn.").

John McCain didn't appear often in my photo comics, because the only interesting thing about him was how much he despised conservatives. Hence, my comic of his speech at the CPAC convention in which he "reached out" to conservatives. The comic contrasted his actual speech with his own internal thoughts about how he hated the people he was addressing. And naturally, he got a little confused at the end about which was which.

George Bush showed up a few times. Yes, he stumbled over his words, as in this meeting with Putin. ("We all have the goal of reducing detentions -- uh, tensions -- in the world. So I'm pleased to announce that Pootskiy and I have reached an agreement to amelier -- ameri -- amerialate those tensions.") He struggled with crises, as in this conversation with the Chief of Control. (Bush: "Have you been reading the newspapers?" Chief: "Not exactly, sir. I've been dead for about 30 years.") And he had absolutely nightmarish dreams before meeting the press. (Reporter: "Mr. President, what Americans want to know about this wire-tapping is when I'm having phone sex with my boyfriend in New York, is it true the NSA can listen in?" Bush: "Your boyfriend wasn't in New York that night. I mean, what am I saying? Of course not!")

Perhaps I should mention at this point that Bush's two Supreme Court appointments come in for some action: the ever-correct, ever-proper John Roberts and the can't-take-the-blue-collar-out-of-him Samuel Alito.

Harry Reid played his repeated role as a funeral director, and others always seemed to be getting the better of him -- Harriet Miers and Nancy Pelosi, for example.

There were some characters I used only once: Ned Lamont running his miserable, losing campaign for Senate against Joe Lieberman after beating him in the primary, Al Gore objecting to everything, John Kerry meeting Bush at the White House to play a game of "nut wrestling," General Michael Hayden preparing for his CIA confirmation hearings by letting it drop that he had the goods on everyone, Barney Frank being Barney Frank, and Tom Friedman showing what makes him tick.

The single-frame photo comic about Cindy Sheehan that started it all is right here. (With follow-up by Condi Rice.)

And finally, in the non-comic but almost-comic category, here is a photoshop I did of the toast between Madeleine Albright and Kim Jong-Il, which tends to suggest that, from our perspective, the toast did not turn out very well. Also, this proto-photo comic involving George Bush and sweat (yes, sweat) from the last couple of days of the 2004 presidential election won me my first large infusion of visitors, though not an instalanche. (Glenn Reynolds did respond to my email, however, with one word: "Heh!")

B. Other Political Satire

It's not just the liberal TV comedians who think Obama isn't very funny. I've had a hard time doing any satire of him.

I did have a multi-part series called "If Barack Obama were Jewish, instead of the Second Coming of Jesus," in which the running gag was that a Jewish Obama was having a loud conversation on his cell phone with someone, usually his mother. This is a typical one with his mother. Here's one with his rabbi around the time Obama tried to disown Jeremiah Wright.

Obama did a few things during the campaign that could be poked fun at. When he sneezed during a speech and blew his nose, people actually applauded. When Bush spoke in Jerusalem, Obama narcissistically assumed something Bush said was directed at him, so I posted Obama's "responses" to the Gettysburg Address and two other famous speeches in history. After the vice-presidential debate, Obama practiced his wink to keep up with Sarah Palin. When Obama suddenly dropped some of his associates of his in light of bad publicity, I had him send a note to Sasha's second-grade teacher sort of disowning her. His national-security advisor recommended a study of Winnie the Pooh, so I came up with his next text based on another well known children's book. And in a parody of the Washington Post's "Date Lab," I reported on Barack and Michelle's blind date.

Naturally, Bill and Hillary also went on a blind date. I'm not sure which blind date scenario was more realistic. In my satire, Bill rarely appeared outside the photo comics, but I occasionally used Hillary. After she cited Obama's third-grade essay during the primaries to show how ambitious he was, I discovered her own third-grade essay. Because she was fighting on against all odds (some say, all reason), I listed milestones in the Hillary for President campaign but later gave 17 reasons for her to remain in it. My own personal favorite was a spoof of her exaggeration of her trip to Tuzla, where she claimed to have come under sniper fire. I had her coming under fire at the 7-Eleven in Chappaqua.

McCain came in for some ribbing about his "me too" political views: he and Obama played "The Price Is Right." When McCain did well in the Saddleback "debate," some people with the Obama campaign accused him of cheating, so I made a list of ten ways in which McCain has cheated over the years.

I had a few items about Nancy Pelosi when the Democrats took over the House in 2006, including her to-do list, and a cartoon about what I saw as the likely outcome. On the more general subject of the Democrats' taking over the House, I did a Mark Foley spoof in the style of the Capitol Steps.

Then, there was a series of posts, modeled on the old NY Daily News feature called "The Inquiring Photographer," in which a question was posed and various random citizens were photographed and asked for an answer. In my series, it was the politicians who answered. The first, and probably the best, was called "The Inquiring Photographer: Where will you invade?" (Sample answer: "California. There aren't any Mexicans left in Mexico any more. You know that, right? They're all in California." Tom Tancredo, R-Colorado) Bonus: I grossly "misunderestimated" Barack Obama.

Remember Ron Paul? I wrote a four-part series called "Ron Paul chats with his cocker spaniel." The joke was that "Dr. Paul" would hold a one-way dialogue with his dog, in which he'd confide his feelings about his campaign, and the dog would be silent in response -- at least, until the very end, when the dog would make some sarcastic or cynical comment. Here's an example, the second installment in the series. Later, when Paul endorsed the Republican candidate in a highly Democratic congressional district in Maryland, I had the candidate chat with Ron Paul's cocker spaniel. In one of my stranger experiences at Pillage Idiot, the candidate actually emailed me to complain about the piece. (Footnote: He received a whopping 13% of the vote in November -- through no fault of mine.)

A pair of political "top tens": The top ten signs that Josh Bolten, Bush's chief of staff, is Jewish ("3. Condoleezza Rice beats him up for his lunch money."), and the top ten signs that (former) senator George Allen's mother is Jewish ("2. Picked his campaign slogan: 'It would hurt you to vote for him?'")

I wrote a radio commercial for Justice Kennedy, advertising in support of his single-minded pursuit of justice . . . or whatever: "If you think your rights have been denied, call Justice Kennedy at 1-800-KEN-NEDY."

I came up with some political anagrams. First, miscellaneous anagrams. Then, anagrams for Samuel Alito. (As a result of this, I was mocked by the Columbia Journalism Review for not having a life. Really. My response: "Who spent the time trolling the blogosphere for Alito anagrams? Not I.") More recently, anagrams for Obama and Biden and McCain and Palin. Did you know that "Barack Obama/Joe Biden" can be made into "Rabbi made a bacon joke?"

And in my final political satire piece, last month, I spoofed the dealings between Gov. Rod Blagojevich of Illinois and Rahm Emanuel. A news item indicated there were tapes of multiple conversations between the two, and I "transcribed" the appropriately foul language they exchanged. Don't worry; it all ended well.

II. Non-political silliness

Take a look at the Pillage Idiot Advisory System. My theme here is immaturity, or to put it more accurately, I'm immature personally, and that virtue of mine fairly permeates my humor writing.

Starting with code yellow (juvenile), I related my conversation with Julie, the voice of the automated scheduling system at Amtrak. When she complained to me about the garbage she has to put up with on a daily basis, I actually felt sorry about her plight, until she turned out to be sort of an anti-semite.

I made a list of things I've learned in my life, which started with "10. Your wife is right." It also included one of my profoundest insights ever: "5. Men get older, but women stay the same age, and pretty soon they're the same age as your daughter." If you're a middle-aged guy, you'll know what I mean.

When the TV series "Commander-in-Chief" was announced, the premise of which was that a woman, played by Geena Davis, had become President, Drudge posted a somewhat revealing photo of the actress, and I raised the question whether the Constitution permits the President to show cleavage. Part 2 of "President Cleavage" has the sophisticated constitutional analysis, but part 1 has the photo.

Also related to women: Many people have wondered about the female sense of humor. Why is it that women don't find things funny that obviously are funny, like The Three Stooges? I discoursed on this scholarly subject here, in a post that began with the joke about how many feminists it takes to screw in a light bulb. (Answer: "That's not funny!") After Christopher Hitchens wrote an article arguing that women weren't as funny as men, Gene Weingarten invited various women to respond in his Washington Post magazine column. As I pointed out, they weren't funny.

Speaking of women, how come women don't know how to take part correctly in a flush-a-thon? In a post that combines my interests in baseball and toilets, I looked at the flush-a-thon the Nationals engaged in at their new stadium before it opened, testing the ability of their plumbing to cope with the beer-drenched demands of their fans. ("Ladies, it's not one toilet every 10 seconds; it's every toilet every 10 seconds.") I'm still steamed that I wasn't invited to take part.

If the Post can write about flush-a-thons, why can't the New York Times business section write about body odor at work? It can! It can! And I, too, expounded upon the subject for longer than you might care to know. (One tip: "Don't walk into [the co-worker's] office or cubicle holding your nose. Instead, ask him politely whether it's possible that a dead rat is living in his office. When he says no, you reply, 'Well, process of elimination means it's you.'")

At one point, I had an occasional series of posts called "Naked News," discussing news stories involving odd things done by naked people. I used to say it was a shameless attempt to increase my site traffic. But it was, on the whole, so dumb that I won't even link those posts here. Instead, I'll merely mention some others that are not in the series: "Naked before God (and naked without Him)," concerning Christian nudists and nude campers, and "Naked before God (dyslexic version)," involving naked dog-walking. Last, in case you've ever wondered whether dead relatives can watch you from heaven, including when you're nekkid in the shower, a medium has now answered this profound question.

For some reason, flatulence was a theme of some of the humor here. Some day, someone will have to explain the fascination. Maybe it's that certain herring couldn't survive without flatulence, because that's how they confuse their predators, with flatulence. I've also wondered what it would be like to be a recognized expert on flatulence or to have an unusual name that shows up in Google only regarding a question the person posed about flatulence. It couldn't possibly be as bad as making a career out of being "Mr. Methane." Paging Sarah Palin: Moose flatulence as a cause of global warming? Then there was a lawsuit for patent infringement involving "farting dolls." I analyzed the opinion of the federal court of appeals and linked to (and quoted) the oral argument in the matter. A local court in West Virginia considered charges brought against a suspect who deliberately passed gas on the officers booking him for DUI -- not a smooth move, by the way. Finally, I issued a warning about eating the wrong kinds of food before flying but, more important, about trying to cover up the crime by lighting matches on board the plane.

I guess we're into code orange (puerile) or red (infantile) by now. Anyway, I'm not sure why guys seem to be fascinated with stories about what I call MMM (male member mutilation). Is it, "There but for the grace of God go I"? Is it, as I suggested in a discussion about condom sizes, that the issue is relative -- as in, "if half a billion Indian men got the short end of the stick, you personally just moved way up on the scale, relatively speaking"? Whatever the reason, I've noticed that MMM sometimes happens when you do your business outdoors. I've even coined a new adjective to describe that activity: "externomingent." (Google it.) If you want to know what the dangers are of externomingent acts, check out these two posts. More serious cases of MMM are found in Thailand, an American convenience store (turned out to be fake), and on the streets of Baltimore. Also, you know you're really in trouble when the doctors say that your "quality of life was severely affected." And perhaps my most profound rumination on the general subject, reflecting on the differences between men and women, concerns a case in Moscow, which raised many troubling questions, including this one: "Why was this man sitting naked in front of a woman he'd divorced and obviously didn't exactly get along with?"

III. Serious and semi-serious topics

A. Maryland

It seems appropriate to begin locally with a discussion of issues in this state, which has veered well to the political left in the 20-plus years I've lived here. Four days after Governor O'Malley took office, a light dusting of snow turned I-95 into a parking lot and prevented me from getting Mrs. A and our daughter to the airport. So I suggested we need to impeach the governor. After some people on a news forum at the Baltimore Sun's web site began discussing my suggestion in total earnest, I had to add a note explaining that I wasn't serious. At least I wasn't serious at the time. Later.... I did a photoshopped political cartoon about the Governor's plans for the special legislative session in 2007, which I called "Gov. O'Malley's budget math." The Governor's "to-do list" included passing a huge tax increase, adding spending, and showing courage by doing these two things. Of course, O'Malley is far from the only Maryland official worthy of mockery. I suggested a "You Can Be A Prosecutor Correspondence Course" based on an incident involving Doug Gansler, who at the time was our county's top prosecutor and now, as a result of the Peter Principle, is the Maryland Attorney General.

Maryland is just a strange place. The state thinks it can effectively repeal the law of supply and demand by requiring all government contractors to pay their employees a "living wage." It thinks it can reduce its budget deficit by allowing slots. (I offered a much better idea.) And it thinks -- at least, Gov. O'Malley thinks -- that it needs a progressive tax code in order to make the rich pay a lot more than the poor.

I wrote more than a few times about crime statistics in Maryland, especially in Baltimore, and about the death penalty. A few highlights: "Looking for bias in all the wrong places" examined the fallacious argument that Maryland's death penalty discriminated against black murderers, an argument not justified even by the study it relied on. More on this subject, when I criticized our former governor, Parris Glendening, for making himself a race hustler. (My response to another argument that "too many" black men are in prison included this: "When you invoke race in order to reduce the black population in prison, you are consigning law-abiding blacks to an increase in violent crime.") Our current governor announced he was in favor of abolition of the death penalty, and I tallied up the murder and violent crime statistics for the state. Shortly thereafter, the legislature narrowly missed enacting abolition, and I again did a statistical analysis, pointing out that the governor's grandstanding was irresponsible. And just to be fair to Gov. O'Malley, I also criticized the current mayor of Baltimore for her simplistic attitude toward violent crime, concluding, in a reference to O'Malley, the former mayor: "But it all boils down to one of the central reasons that government exists: to protect people from each other. If the government can't even do that, then the answer is obvious: Vote the politicians into higher office." (As a footnote, this phenomenon isn't limited to Maryland. I wrote about "Kerryism" in New Jersey, the effort to turn us into European elites, by abolishing capital punishment.)

On a somewhat lighter note, I repeatedly made fun of the folks I called the "cucumber people," a group in Montgomery County who wanted to change the sex ed curriculum to include a video demonstrating how to put a condom on a cucumber. Seriously. You might think that it's pretty obvious how to put on a condom, but then, you're probably not a right-thinking, left-leaning, good-government-espousing resident of Montgomery County. ("The letter writer, an adult with teenaged children, insists that her children's college-aged friends had no idea how to put a condom on (the subject of a controversial video that was supposed to be part of the sex-ed curriculum). More amazing, this woman apparently had no idea herself how it was done before watching the video when it was screened for parents.") So I had a pretty good time mocking these people, and I even drew a simple instruction sheet for condom installation using MS-Paint, thereby rendering the curriculum and video unnecessary. What can you expect from folks who say there are three types of abstinence?

Last, I wrote a fairly lengthy criticism, complete with photos, of a new bicycle bridge in Rockville, where I live. Nothing wrong with the bridge, except that it was hugely expensive and connected parts of the city that can be reached over other bridges. I called it the bicycle bridge to nowhere.

B. Jewish politics and religion

My first-ever post at Pillage Idiot was called "Jew in America." I guess you could call it a love letter to the United States. I discussed what it was about the founding that made Jews welcome here, told a story about my immigrant grandmother's love for America, and suggested that American Jews should be grateful to God for having made us Americans.

Given the fact that the Jews are now well established in America and are subjected to only relatively minor social discrimination, the question necessarily is why Jews vote so differently from almost all other Americans. I don't think anyone has a very good answer for this, although I've certainly tried to figure it out. I've thrown around the term "shtetl mentality," by which I mean "a view that, just as on the shtetl in Eastern Europe, Jews in America are somehow at risk of death, or at least forced conversion, from the neighboring gentiles." It's not a totally satisfying analysis, but it does begin to account for the Jews' inability to see the danger of anti-semitism on the Left, a subject I discussed in "Boiling the Frog."

American Jews overwhelmingly choose to live in communities that are part of "blue" states (those that went for Gore in 2000) -- 75% of American Jews, to be precise. One of my possibly original thoughts was that, instead of being amazed that Jews vote predominantly "blue," maybe we should start with a benchmark for the Jewish vote of 75-25. In fact, exit polls in 2004 showed about 75% of the Jewish vote for Kerry, but based on my personal experience and a lot of anecdotal evidence, I argued that there was a hidden Jewish vote for Bush, perhaps as high as an additional 5%. In 2006, the polls showed about 26% for the Republicans, a figure well in line with my benchmark. More on the subject here.

Nearly all of my Jewish friends are liberals, and I have a lot of respect for them as people. But some political positions drive me nuts. I've asked several times how Jews can be so big in calling for action in Darfur at the same time they've been so much against the war in Iraq: "If we can stop genocide, by all means let's do it, and do it now. But where were these people when we were trying to rally support for toppling Saddam Hussein, who was responsible for the murder of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, for gassing the Kurds, and for numerous other unspeakable acts?" And just what kinds of solutions are they suggesting for Darfur? American troops? As for Iraq, I discussed a small bright spot in the Jewish response, a Reform Jewish dissenter on Iraq.

On Israel, one rabbi said American Jews are schizophrenic. I responded: "American Jews aren't 'schizophrenic'; they're nuts." I wrote during the 2008 Democratic primaries that "Israel's security does not depend on superficial support from American politicians. It depends on American power. A strong America indirectly benefits Israel. A weak America, an America that that is constantly running away from confrontation, indirectly hurts Israel." There are fewer and fewer friends of Israel on the Left, but still the Jews haven't adequately appreciated those conservative Christian philo-semites who are strongly pro-Israel. In fact, some Jews have gone out of their way to criticize them, despite our having few other pro-Israel allies. As I suggested, "Some Jews think their left-wing political views are far more important than support for Israel." One Jewish liberal who did show appreciation was the late Congressman Tom Lantos, whom I quoted in "Christian Zionists and left-wing anti-semites." The question of how to respond to Christians whose dogma excludes Jews from salvation is even more controversial among Jews, and I may in a real minority here, but my view is that our response on dogma should be, "Go ahead and believe whatever you want," while our response on conversion should be, "No, thanks." We need to focus on making Judaism more meaningful for Jews; it's secularism more than Christianity that's the threat. And here's why Jews should say "Merry Christmas." (To Christians, that is, not to other Jews.)

I was raised in a Conservative Jewish synagogue, and my level of observance should make me comfortable there today, so why am I not? Could it be the way politics has infiltrated the religious sphere, as in, for example, the decision to ordain gay rabbis? When you deal with the place of homosexuals in the synagogue under Jewish law, you need to address the issues not only with a good deal of sensitivity toward the people but with proper respect for the law. I've always liked what I read in a newspaper article some years ago. An Orthodox homosexual was quoted as saying that God gave us 613 commandments, and He can't be too upset if I observe 612 of them. So I refer to them as the 612 Club -- people who recognize who they are, without insisting that the law be changed to suit them. And what's the other great issue of politics that finds its home in the Conservative movement? Environmentalism, of course, to the point of strangling the economy. A rabbi who's the top fundraiser at the Jewish Theological Seminary wishes we could celebrate a lack of oil, not regret it. I couldn't believe she was so clueless she didn't understand "why donors have money in the first place: They have money because they engage in commerce." The environmentalist rabbi, of course, invoked "tikkun olam" in support of her efforts to kill the economy, but this is part of a widespread abuse of the concept of "tikkun olam" that I discussed in connection with a remarkable essay in Commentary by Hillel Halkin.

If you've ever spent the days before Passover frantically preparing your kitchen, and your house, for the holiday by removing the chametz, and suddenly you have to deal with the issue of kitniot, perhaps my essay "The four stages of kitniot" will speak to you. For the record, the four stages of kitniot are denial, anger, fear, and humor. "The fourth and last stage is humor. Unfortunately, most people do not reach this stage. Psychologists will tell you how hard it is to get beyond the fear of kitniot. (See generally Markowitz, On Transforming Our Fear of the Non-Chometzdig Yet Asur, 14 Journal of Kitniot 245 (1995))." I owe my friend Martin a great deal of thanks for lending me his hilarious letter to kashrut.com, which I quoted in its entirety.

On a personal note, after my father died in early 2006, I spent the next 11 months going to shul two or three times a day to say kaddish. Attending services so often led me to make some religious and sociological observations, and I'll leave you with two of them. The morning service (shacharit) started at 6:30 a.m. or earlier, in order to allow people to get to work on time, and it seemed a little repetitive to me, so I distilled it into a "One-minute shacharit," only six words in English. Toward the end of the 11 months, I started computing how many times I'd end up saying the kaddish. Answer: A lot.

C. Miscellaneous

1. One topic I wrote about fairly often was classical music. I'm a classical music fan, a former French hornist, and a little bit (little?) of a smart aleck.

My wife and I like to say that the average age of the folks at the concerts we attend is "deceased." So I wrote about an essay I read that discussed the cause of death of classical music. (Bonus: Bugs Bunny has something to do with this topic.) The following year, I did a postscript, discussing Allan Kozinn's argument that the rumors of the death of classical music are greatly exaggerated. I'm not so sure I'd put much stock in Kozinn, however, based on his attack on French horn players, which I took up in a post called "Splat!" It includes a discussion of why hornists make mistakes.

If you're not a fan of classical music, you might think that it's a deadly serious endeavor, but it's not. As with any form of art, we should be able to recognize that some classical music -- and here I'm referring to Mahler's First Symphony -- really sucks (eggs). Any form of art, that is, with the possible exception of painting: "Walk around any major museum and eavesdrop on the conversations of people looking at the paintings. Tell me whether you ever hear anyone say, 'This painting sucks.' And I don't mean that pimply 14-year-old wearing his cap on backwards and being led around by the scruff of his neck by his angry schoolteacher." I'm not totally sure I'd say that Haydn's Symphony #94 ("Surprise") sucks eggs, but it's pretty close to suckitude, as I explained in "Dissin' Papa Haydn." By the way, the nickname "Surprise" "apparently stems from an incident in which Haydn's wife unexpectedly returned home one afternoon while Haydn was in the middle of banging some fortissimo chords in the dominant."

Beethoven's music not only doesn't suck eggs; it's astonishingly brilliant and often is based almost entirely on themes, harmony, rhythm, etc., that are unremarkable in themselves. When I wrote about the donation of a manuscript of Beethoven's piano four hands transcription of his "Grosse Fuge," I discovered that the Japanese translation is "large Hu moth."

Finally, in response to Tim Page's list of 25 top 20th century compositions, some of which are hardly even music, I offered my own list of great 20th century music.

2. As the product of a brand-name college and law school, I developed a deep antipathy to the attitude that a lot of these colleges display, a sense that they are better than you and above the law. (Example: "Yale under scrutiny.") So I had an occasional series either criticizing them or making fun of them, mostly the latter. Harvard redefined plagiarism by allowing its professors to use a bunch of student ghostwriters, some of whom were less than meticulous with their sourcing. A magazine catering to Harvard alumni had a list of the top 100 Harvard alumni of 2007 and put Al Gore above George Bush. (The magazine's writeup of Bush was unremittingly negative, to boot.) When Harvard was looking for a new president, I wrote a poem recommending a candidate. (It began, "I think that I shall never see / At Harvard University...") And considering that both Yale and Harvard were doing their usual outrageous things (like defending the admission to Yale of a former spokesman for the Taliban), I set forth the moves and counter-moves as the two rivals headed toward nuclear confrontation. Yale, of course, being the "Hooters of the Ivy League." Most recently, I showed utter lack of concern with Harvard's shrinking endowment by joking that Harvard was going to seek a bailout from the federal government.

On a more serious note, I had a report with photos sent by a source at the Columbia protests against Ahmadinejad and a long critique of writings of Harvard professors who misunderstand what America is all about.

And my disgust really wasn't limited to strictly Ivy League schools. I wrote about how Tufts recruits by politics, offering applicants an opportunity to include a politically loaded essay. Also, many if not most colleges game the system in order to improve their admissions numbers.

3. In the "really miscellaneous" category, a little law and a little political theory. I rarely wrote about law, because I considered it a busman's holiday. But I came up with two legal innovations, one sort of serious and one sort of not too serious. The sort of serious one was about "John Doe immunity," for people reporting suspicious activity. I suggested that statutory immunity probably couldn't be made effective enough to keep John Doe defendants from having to pay for lawyers, and that we really needed an organization that would have a relationship with seasoned litigators willing to work pro bono on behalf of John Does. My sort of not serious innovation was a remedy for flag burning that doesn't involve a constitutional amendment. My idea was to provide "a defense to a charge of simple assault for someone who reacts to a flag burner by slugging him." It's not as ridiculous as it sounds. The rules are: "No excessive violence is allowed. No weapons, no serious injury. That is, no aggravated assault. If you're charged with simple assault for roughing up a flag-burner, you have a defense."

On the subject of law, it's hard to omit the story of a woman who was arrested for going topless in Manhattan one night. She then sued and obtained a settlement based on a New York court decision holding that ordinary topless women are not, uh, covered by a law banning topless waitresses. A concurring opinion argued that by specifying women the law violated equal protection, and I gave that opinion a skeptical look.

The final law-related item I've chosen had to do with the very large chip on Justice O'Connor's shoulder. She's "increasingly concerned about vitriolic attacks by some members of Congress and some members of state legislatures and various private interest groups on judges" and thinks it threatens the independence of the judiciary. Way to go! No one's allowed to criticize the judiciary! So she's working on teaching materials for the schools that will teach students . . . that they should never criticize the judiciary.

Last, in an essay about July 4, I expressed conservative reservations about celebrating our revolution. Even though it was a successful one, establishing a free republic, not a tyranny, it was still a revolution, and there's just something not very conservative about revolution. But I went on to discuss a totally deranged commentator named Cynthia Banas, who advocated marching on the Fourth carrying flags upside down. You won't be surprised to learn that she was active in the Iraq Peace Team, which tried to prevent the invasion of Iraq (but denies acting as human shields).

So again, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed reading what I wrote even a fraction as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Attila

Retirement

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 12:12:00 +0000

All good things must come to an end. After four years and three months of writing this idiotic blog, nearly 2,000 posts, I've decided to call it quits.

Do I mean permanently quits, or am I waiting for a massive outpouring of love to force me to return? I'd say permanently, but I'm not swearing on a stack of bibles that nothing ever could bring me back. Most likely, this is it. Almost certainly this is it, in fact.

I'm sorry for announcing my retirement without warning, but realistically, you can't give a warning about retiring from blogging without becoming a drama queen. You've all seen that kind of behavior. And I didn't want any of it.

1. Let me give my faithful readers a little explanation of my decision:

I've enjoyed writing at Pillage Idiot, but four years is a long time, and I feel I've run out of things to say. Some might suggest I ran out of things to say over four years ago. Maybe they're right.

In addition, writing under a pseudonym turns out to be more stressful than I'd anticipated. It's sort of like being a spy, but without the glamor, without the money, and without the treason. On the other hand, if I'd used my real name, people would have known I was a total idiot instead of merely suspecting it.

Last, I've sometimes said I've written mostly for my own amusement, but that's a cheap way of avoiding responsibility for my small readership. The fact is, no matter how high or low my overall traffic has been at any given time, I've never had more than you and several dozen other regular readers. I appreciate every one of you. It's just that there isn't much point trying to be something I'm not.

2. Out of vanity, and in an effort to collect some of what I've written, I've put up ~~immediately below this~~ a post called "An annotated Pillage Idiot sampler," which gives anyone who's interested some links to a sampling of my posts, organized by subject matter. Read them at your own risk.

3. Michael Swartz, a highly regarded blogger who writes at monoblogue, and one of the longest-time members of the Maryland Blogger Alliance, will be taking over leadership of the Alliance.

4. Finally, in case I get the urge to write some more stupidity outside of Pillage Idiot, and if you want to receive it in email form, send me an email (correct the address first), and I'll add you to the Pillage Idiot Retirement Mailing List. Some of you are subscribers to "Pillagemail," and you currently receive emails whenever I post. I'm going to assume you don't want to be on the retirement mailing list unless you tell me you do. In any case, I expect my post-retirement emails will be infrequent. Maybe even non-existent.

5. At least from my perspective, it's been a great run. Thanks one last time for reading. I really appreciate it that you've been willing to come back.

Attila

Sunday linkfest

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 16:18:00 +0000

1. Things are actually getting better: the libertarian perspective.

2. Aspen bomber. "1:26 a.m. Suspect is spotted driving green Jeep Cherokee with a spare tire on the roof." You should definitely be suspicious of a guy driving a Jeep on the roof. Bonus: Commenters blame Bush.

3. France, land of brie, wine, and car torchings. I omitted "body odor," because that's understood. (via Ace)

4. This Israeli video for HDTV is old but quite wonderful. Translation is available at the site. (Warning: video starts automatically.)

5. Among the "related" videos was this dumb Jewish "wazzup" commercial. (Same warning.)

New Year's linkfest

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 01:08:00 +0000

1. Thank goodness Hanukkah is over. Seven pounds of latkes?

2. Princess Caroline speaks a lot like Uncle Ted. Another version.

3. If even half of this is true, that's one great father who's one tough mutha.

4. Carjack-ee to carjacker: "I'm gonna blow your balls off!" (Warning: turn down sound before clicking; video starts right away.) (via HotAir)

5. Pillage Idiot ranked 10th most politically influential blog (conservative) in Maryland? Hmmm. "Influential" would not be in the first 50 words I'd use to describe Pillage Idiot.

Home furnishings we can believe in

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:43:00 +0000

From the ridiculous to the merely tacky.

Today, it's not the plastic surgery industry that's seeking to profit from the Messiah's election; it's the home furnishings industry.

Last night, I was on the Metro platform at Gallery Place and noticed two large banners hanging from the balcony (the mezzanine, in Metro-speak). Two large banners in yellowish-gold reading "Embrace Change." I walked up a little closer to see what the fine print said, and it turned out they were ads for IKEA. Yes, IKEA, the furniture outfit.

In my search this morning, I haven't found anything about this ad campaign, but I wrote down the URL last night, and here's the campaign's website.

"Where do you stand on domestic policy?" it asks. "Speak out and let the president know your suggestions for fiscally responsible home furnishings." Very cute.

Also: "Enter your email to be updated when the Oval Office planner is up and running to make your voice heard!"

OK, I'll make my voice heard now. This is almost as tacky as the Obama camp's solicitation of money in a lottery for tickets to the inauguration. (At least IKEA is a commercial enterprise. I mean, at least IKEA is a self-described commercial enterprise.)

Carnival of Maryland -- 49th edition

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 23:32:00 +0000

The 49th edition of the Carnival of Maryland is now up at Inside Charm City. You can find links there to posts from our Maryland bloggers.

The 50th edition is scheduled for Sunday, January 11, and will be hosted at The Greenbelt.

Send in your submissions by using the Blog Carnival form.

Plastic surgery we can believe in

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 16:33:00 +0000

This is absolutely the best print ad of the year. Without a doubt, the best!

Assuming, of course, that you define "the best" as "the most shameless and outlandish (and therefore hilarious) effort to cash in on Obama's election."

The ad below appears in the Washington Post Sunday Magazine today. You can click for, uh, a larger image, but I'll quote the relevant text, which the ad places strategically on top of the woman's right breast:

The Ultimate You
With 2008 coming to a close, the main theme of the new year is change. President-Elect Barack Obama ran a successful campaign with the promise of change, and Americans seem ready to embrace it, despite an uncertain economy. With Americans becoming increasingly thriftier, and not spending as much money on themselves, you might think an amazing transformation with the help of plastic surgery is an unattainable luxury. However, watching your finances does not mean that you have to sacrifice your appearance. Many of our featured physicians have tailored some of their services toward affordability, as well as offering financing so that even in these shaky financial times you can still become the "Ultimate You" and feel fantastic about yourself.

The ad copy then discusses the clinic and actually continues on for another page, but this is all you need to see.

I've even created the appropriate poster for it.

Friday linkfest

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 19:27:00 +0000

1. Top ten calamities for which global warming was blamed. (via HotAir)

2. Get your Koran on your cell phone, courtesy of . . . an Israeli company?

3. Yankees offer bleacher seats for 25 cents for exhibition openers. Scalpers begin drooling immediately.

4. The only thing better than a huge foul-smelling flower is its Latin name. (via Ace)

5. Indicted lawyer was "the Houdini of impersonation and false documents." Bonus: I met the guy back in the early 1980s but haven't seen him since then.

Merry Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 02:11:00 +0000

Merry Christmas to my Christian readers. (Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish readers.)

A few old thoughts of mine about Jews and Christmas. In paragraph 6, I suggest that Jews should volunteer on Christmas to take the place of Christians who want to celebrate the holiday. In this article from the Rockville Gazette, we see that in action. (Bonus: The Muslims are participating, too.)

OPG (other people's garbage)

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 02:57:00 +0000

Rockville has a new trash and recycling program, and my neighborhood is part of the guinea pig program -- I mean, the pilot program. It's actually not so bad. One pickup a week, but they give you massive containers on wheels for garbage and recycling, and much more can be recycled than before.

But last week, after we had brought our containers back in, we noticed that some lovely person, presumably a neighbor, had deposited three bags of lawn clippings next to our driveway, where our garbage and recycling had been. A week later, I'm still pretty annoyed about it. I expect the City will take it away tomorrow, but leaving your junk on someone else's curbside is really low.

It reminded me of a commenter's remark at protein wisdom, which I quoted two years ago, and I'm going to quote again, because it cracks me up.

O, god. Don’t get me started.

When I lived in San Francisco, I was forced to sneak out around at midnight once a week to hide my excess trash in other peoples’ garbage cans. You run through the neighborhood looking here and there for someone with a little spare space in their can.

And people run past you in the dark doing the same thing. Often, I’d come home to find some asshole had abandoned a whole bag of his garbage next to my can, so I’d have to go back out again and find another place for it. You could sit up all night guarding your can. The alternative was to have to haul a can of someone else’s smelly garbage back into your house and keep it for a week.

And try getting rid of an old car. Just try.

So I guess things really could be worse for us. Sitting up all night on guard would be a pretty nasty assignment when the temperature's 15 degrees.

Monday linkfest

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:08:00 +0000

What, another linkfest? Yes, another linkfest.

1. Major scoop: Supreme Court justices might be influenced by their clerks.

2. Baltimore efficiency: "Members of Baltimore's Board of Fire Commissioners will receive their final paychecks at the end of this month, after a recent discovery by the city's Finance Department that the members have not been eligible for a city stipend since 1996."

3. New doll: "I made a stinky."

4. Try it with a photo of Wolf Blitzer.

5. Talk about pollination!

6. Rockville in the news: If you get a speed camera ticket, you might be the victim of a prank; "students duplicate the license plates by printing plate numbers on glossy photo paper, using fonts from certain websites that 'mimic' those on Maryland license plates. They tape the duplicate plate over the existing plate on the back of their car and purposefully speed through a speed camera, the parent said. The victim then receives a citation in the mail days later."

(4 and 5 via The Corner, 6 via Ace)

UPDATE: 7. The Weekly Standard's parody imitates Pillage Idiot. ("**** them!")

Sunday linkfest

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 15:29:00 +0000

After a slow week, I figured I'd throw together some links.

1. The media mocked Bush, and an pro-Sadr Iraqi journalist threw shoes at him, but the troops he sent to Iraq gave him a tremendous welcome. It's got to be heard to be believed. (via HotAir)

2. Ronald Radosh on Bush and the Jews.

3. From November, but still timely: Don Feder on the Jewish vote.

4. Almost as old but not quite: Mark Steyn on the murders at Chabad in Mumbai.

5. Coming soon to the Mets' bullpen: J.J. Putz. Next headline: "Some Putz blows the lead." Bonus: New York Times uses the P-word, the clinical term, in its article.

6. Gallows humor.

7. Mocking Time magazine may be easy, but it's still enjoyable.

8. This semi-earnest discussion of the grammar to be used when mixing a certain bad word with Gov. Blagojevich's name is quite amusing.

9. Invest in skateboards?

10. Well, at least Obama will receive excellent advice from his new science advisor. Just tell the Messiah not to invest with him. (via HotAir)

Happy Beethoven's Birthday!

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 12:58:00 +0000

On Beethoven's birthday (he would be 238 years old), I'm going to link a piece I wrote last January called "Starting with nothing," in which I discussed the second movement of the Op. 59, No. 1 string quartet. In that movement, Beethoven used "very basic materials to create an incredibly complex work of genius." This piece gave me the opportunity to tell a couple of stories, including my favorite concert story ever.

Rod Blagojevich and Rahm Emanuel talk business

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 18:01:00 +0000

"Reputed potty mouth Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Ill.) has found redemption. Actually, just vindication. The congressman, who curses about as regularly as a clock ticks, is heralding a study out of London claiming that swearing in the workplace boosts team spirit."

-- Washington Post

"Rahm Emanuel, President-elect Barack Obama's pick to be White House chief of staff, had conversations with Gov. Rod Blagojevich's administration about who would replace Obama in the U.S. Senate, the Tribune has learned."

-- Chicago Tribune

(Rahm Emanuel walks into Governor Blagojevich's office.)

Rod Blagojevich: Hey, Rahm, get the f*** over here right now.

Rahm Emanuel: F***, Rod, I'm moving my a** as fast as I f***ing can.

Rod Blagojevich: S***, Rahm, tell me the f***ing truth here. You talking to the f***ing feds?

Rahm Emanuel: F***, no, Rod.

Rod Blagojevich: You wearing a f***ing wire?

Rahm Emanuel: F***, no, Rod, can we just stop this s***? I'm telling you the God's honest truth here. No s***. I'm bringing a plan straight from the f***ing Messiah himself.

Rod Blagojevich: The Messiah? Your people f***ing killed the Messiah, Rahm.

Rahm Emanuel: Bulls***, you f***ing anti-semite a**hole. Even the f***ing Pope says we didn't.

Rod Blagojevich: Yeah, s***, Rahm, what's the motherf***er's plan?

Secretary (over intercom): Governor, Dan F***ing Rostenkowski on f***ing line 4.

Rod Bagojevich: S***, b****, will you hold the g**d*** calls for me? I'm in a f***ing meeting. (To Emanuel:) The motherf*****'s plan, Rahm?

Rahm Emanuel: We're totally f***ed, Rod. You're so f***ing hot right now, the Messiah can't touch you with a ten f***ing foot pole.

Rod Blagojevich: What a lame motherf***ing a**hole that b****** is, anyway. Well, what the f*** do we do now? That c*** attorney general of mine is trying to get the f***ing state Supreme Court to push me out of f***ing office. Those guys are such pr***s.

Rahm Emanuel: "Pr***s"? S***, Rod, you gotta shut the f*** up, man. Those f***ers are all that stands between you and your f***ing a** in the f***ing slammer.

Rod Blagojevich: If I go to the f***ing slammer, Rahm, I'm taking a bunch of c*********s with me. We got aldermen up to their f***ing ears in horses***. We got union leaders with horses*** coming out their f***ing nostrils. S***, Rahm, you and that motherf***er you call the Messiah are up to your g**d*** armpits in it.

Rahm Emanuel: Bulls***, Rod, we have no f***ing exposure.

Rod Blagojevich: F*** you, Rahm, you're full of s***.

Rahm Emanuel: No, f*** you, a**hole.

Rod Blagojevich: I mean it, Rahm. F*** you!

Rahm Emanuel: No, f*** you, just f*** you, a**hole!

Rod Blagojevich:

Rahm Emanuel: I love you, Rod.

(They hug.)

UPDATE (12/15): Hot Air says, "Obama internal review: There were no inappropriate contacts with Blago." Ace: "Obama claims that his new statement, 'no inappropriate contacts,' is a reaffirmation of his previous statement, 'no contacts.'" Dang, these guys should have asked me for my transcript.

Actually, it came from us

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 17:53:00 +0000

When my sister was in high school in the late 60s, they used a history textbook that included something like this: "As Jesus said, 'Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One.'" We all had a laugh about that, because hundreds of thousands of people had said the same thing before Jesus. The line is from Deuteronomy 6:4. *

I recalled this after reading Dinesh D'Souza's article in the latest issue of Hillsdale College's Imprimis -- Created Equal: How Christianity Shaped The West. The title adequately describes the thesis, so read it only if you feel like it. D'Souza notes that Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence that all men are created equal. He says:

This idea of the preciousness and equal worth of every human being is largely rooted in Christianity. Christians believe that God places infinite value on every human life. Christian salvation does not attach itself to a person’s family or tribe or city. It is an individual matter.

Now, I certainly don't mean to disparage the contributions of Christianity to Western Civilization, which are significant, especially post-Enlightenment Christianity, and at a broad level D'Souza has a pretty good argument. But still, just like the line from Jesus, the equal worth of humans is not exactly a Christian innovation. It comes from Genesis 1:27, which says that God created man in His own image. I think it's fair for the Jews to get some credit for this.

And personal to DD'S: We know what you're implying when you say Christian salvation doesn't attach "to a person's family or tribe or city." You don't have to be cute about it. But if you were going to be fair, you'd have to admit that Jewish tribalism has little to do with the concept of salvation. Salvation just isn't terribly important in Judaism, which rejects original sin -- one of the innovations Christianity can really take credit for.

___________
* Something gnawing at me tells me it was actually, "As Jesus said, 'Love thy neighbor as thyself.'" Which would make more sense but would be equally amusing, because, while Jesus said it, the line comes from Leviticus 19:18.

Carnival of Maryland -- 48th edition

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 15:17:00 +0000

The 48th edition of the Carnival of Maryland has been posted at The Political Octagon. It features the latest writing from our Maryland bloggers. Go on and check it out.

The 49th edition is scheduled for Sunday, December 28, and will be hosted at Inside Charm City.

Send in your submissions by using the Blog Carnival form.

Report: Harvard seeking federal bailout

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 02:36:00 +0000

With Harvard's endowment having taken an $8.2 billion hit over the past four months, Harvard President Drew Faust has ordered a salary freeze for all faculty and elimination of tenure-track and tenured faculty searches.

Well placed Pillage Idiot sources report that Faust has met privately with Representative Barney Frank (D-MA) and Senator John Kerry (D-MA) to negotiate a federal bailout of Harvard. Our sources indicate that the three were in agreement that Harvard is too self-important to fail. Under the agreed plan, an outline of which was provided to Pillage Idiot, the Treasury would offer Harvard a bridge loan of $7.5 billion, but as part of the deal a federal "Liberal Arts Czar" would be appointed. The Czar would have authority to make decisions on curriculum, prohibit preppy attire, and renegotiate faculty contracts, with a particular focus on the women's and ethnic studies departments, which have been the worst performers over the past year.

Neither Frank nor Kerry would respond to a request for comment. Faust remarked that this was the kind of bargain one sometimes has to make.

Developing....

UPDATE (12/15): We have learned that Yale wants "in" on the bailout.

It is important to recognize that $17 billion is still a very large endowment. This was where the endowment stood as recently as January 2006. Still, the 25% decline we have experienced has a very significant impact on our operations because income from the endowment supports 44% of the University’s annual expense base of $2.7 billion.

And Yale is asking you alumni for suggestions on what to do: "officers would also welcome any suggestions you would wish to make by e-mailing suggestions@yale.edu."

Still developing.....

Blagojevich holds an auction

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 03:21:00 +0000

ABC News story. HotAir: "Obama: I never talked to Blagojevich about the Senate seat; Axelrod: Yes, he did."

Oops!

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 02:52:00 +0000

Not news: A distinguished scientific institution issues its journal with a Chinese poem on the cover.

News: The institution fails to get a translation of the poem before publication.

Pillage Idiot: The "poem" turns out to be a sexually suggestive annoucement of a burlesque show.

Economics 101 has lessons for Rockville

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 01:59:00 +0000

I live in Rockville, Maryland, which actually has one of the better managed governments I've seen. But everyone makes mistakes.

Until recently, one of the best-kept secrets had to do with parking at the Twinbrook Metro station. In the station parking lots, run by Metro, you would pay $4.75, assuming you've traveled on the subway. Outside the Metro, on the streets, the parking meters cost 25 cents an hour through 6 p.m. If you arrived at 8 a.m. and returned after 6, it would cost you only $2.50. A lot of people didn't know about this at all, and I told only close friends of mine. (Of course, some people knew about it and nevertheless avoided the meters, because they didn't want to keep rolls of quarters in their car or go to City Hall to pick up the electronic meter card.)

Recently, the City decided it needed more revenue from the meters, and effective last week, the price doubled to 25 cents a half hour (50 cents an hour). A 10-hour parking stint now costs $5.00, which makes the Metro parking lot a better deal by a slight margin.

Since the charge went up last week, almost no one has been parking at the meters near the Metro station. It used to be that at 8:00, there were still spaces available on the next block, but the two sides of the street right across from the lot were almost always full. Now, at 8:00, there are maybe four or five cars across from the lot, instead of roughly 30.

I suspect some people will eventually return, once they get over their annoyance at the price increase. But I wonder whether Rockville city council members realized that the City's revenue was going to drop when they raised the meter rates. Economics 101 suggests that there was an intermediate figure by which they could have maximized revenue. A charge of 25 cents for 45 minutes (33.3 cents an hour) or 25 cents for 40 minutes (37.5 cents an hour) might not have driven off all those parking customers.

So basic economics continues to work in Rockville. Increased fees, just like tax increases, can cause people to alter their behavior and reduce revenue in the process.

Responding to Mumbai?

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 02:03:00 +0000

This video from Aish HaTorah made it into my in box today. It's called "Responding to Mumbai."

I actually find it quite alarming. If you don't feel like viewing it, let me give you the gist: We need to respond to evil by doing good.

"When catastrophe happens," it begins, and after some images, it continues, "the Jewish response to evil is to put good into the world." It cites the Talmud for this proposition and suggests several ways to do good. Later, it says, "If 10 people can perpetrate so much evil, imagine what 100,000 can accomplish for the good." At the end, it lists many ways in which we can do good, and I endorse pretty much every one.

So why am I alarmed? Two reasons. First, the terrorism in Mumbai was evil, not a "catastrophe." A flood is a catastrophe. An earthquake is a catastrophe. A plane crash is a catastrophe. Terrorism is an evil. The video does say evil, but it starts by speaking of catastrophe, which suggests a force beyond our control.

Second, when terrorists commit evil acts as they did in Mumbai, it is actually wrong for us to think that doing good is the antidote. There's a time and place for good, but the first thing we need to do is to take strong action to fight the terrorists and their allies. And as long as we're thinking about Jewish law, perhaps we ought to keep in mind the directive that if someone comes to kill you, you must rise up and kill him first.

I see this video as reflecting a medieval diaspora mentality, in which we lack control over our destiny, flee in the face of cruelty, and survive solely through faith in God. At a minimum, the idea of doing good in response to evil has a religious, even messianic, component. (In America, we would say, "Kumbaya.") But let's be practical first. If Israel had followed this dictum of doing good in response to evil, without also taking steps to protect itself, there would be no Israel any more. Self-protection comes first, before anything else, including acts of kindness.

So let's all support tough measures against the terrorists and their allies. Fight evil today. Tomorrow we can talk about doing good.

UPDATE: The commenter who thinks I'm "a jerk" arrived here through a Google search for the phrase "the Jewish response to evil is to put good into the world." Google apparently doubted that this was the correct search. You can't make this stuff up.

UPDATE (12/7): Included in Haveil Havalim #194 at Shiloh Musings, where there are links to others who have written about Mumbai (and other topics).

Grumpy

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 01:23:00 +0000

Does the fact that I can't stand the Christmas songs that are pretty nearly ubiquitous these days make me an anti-semite? (I don't vouch for the accuracy of the list, by the way.) How about this issue: Why is it that, on average, the more religious the Christmas song, the better it is as music and the less religious it is, the more annoying it is? Can you say "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer"?

Attila, the movie

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 04:30:00 +0000

Some years back, USA Network showed a movie called Attila, which I'm sorry to say I didn't watch. Possibly because it sounded like a soap opera about my namesake the Hun, who, despite his foul behavior, deserves better than that.

But I recently stumbled upon the free wallpaper I downloaded back then from the movie's site, and I thought I should let you have a look.

Harry Reid whiffs

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 04:23:00 +0000

"My staff tells me not to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. In the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it's true."

-- Senator Harry Reid

Suppose that, instead of spending $621 million on a Capitol visitors' center, Congress had spent a fraction of that to weed out only the foulest smelling of the visitors....

Senator Harry Reid: When you come into the Capitol building, we will now have you go through not only the usual metal detector but also a new device I call a "smell detector." And I'd like to give you an idea how this works. Because body odors come in four varieties. For men, that is, anyway; women have five.

Our new smell detector focuses on odor from the armpits, which I find is the most pernicious of all the body odors. Have you ever sat on a transatlantic flight next to a guy who hasn't taken a shower in a couple of weeks? Possibly a Frenchman? He smells like your next door neighbor's septic tank after you've sabotaged it. You know what I'm talking about, because you dregs of society are exactly the kind of people who sabotage each other's septic tanks. We cherish cultural diversity around here, but it's possible to abuse the privilege. You can imagine what we feel like when our workplace is invaded by trailer trash like you who probably don't even have running water.

For the second type of body odor we have a breathalyzer that tests for bad breath, instead of alcohol. Because we don't really care whether you've just had a three-martini lunch, or in your case more likely a six-Bud chicken-wing snack that you're still belching your way through as I speak. Just so long as your breath doesn't stink the holy hell out of the Capitol. I mean, some visitors have breath so foul you could light it on fire. You, sir, over there. I can smell yours from up here.

The third type of body odor, of course, is from the feet. Some folks could kill a moose at 50 yards just by taking off their shoes. So we're going to make you take off yours when you go through the smell detector, just the same way you take off your shoes when you go through airport security. Have you ever noticed how bad it stinks at the security line? That's why we've hired TSA veterans to handle our smell security. If they can stand it at the airports, we can rely on them to stand it here.

The fourth type of body odor -- and I'm trying to be delicate about this, but I need to be blunt here -- is flatulence. My staff just took a survey of the half-mile radius of the Capitol, and there are 8 Mexican restaurants in this little neighborhood. You know, it's a little difficult for us to detect potential flatulence among our visitors, but we've figured out a way to profile for it. The profiling data come straight out of the torture rooms at Guantanamo and are highly classified. So for those people we determine are flatu-risks, we have anti-flatulence underwear that we're going to make you wear if you want to come in the Capitol building.

Last, we know that some women have a really nasty smell "down there." You can tell who they are by watching people passing out in their wake. But just to make sure, we have a crew of specially trained labrador retrievers who will poke their snouts between your legs to find the perpetrators. I'm sorry to have to inform you that if you fail this "lab" test, we can't let you in at all, because it'll take hours for our security to separate these animals from you. I'll probably have the feminists at my throat over this policy, but take my word for it. This is a matter of national security.

Linking the Jews with the Indians

noreply@blogger.com (Attila) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 03:47:00 +0000

The alliance between Jews and Indians has become closer as we've watched the face of evil in Mumbai this past week.

In its modest way, the [Indo-Jewish] coalition attests to the deepening bonds between Jews and Indians, whether in Israel, India or the United States; and this week’s events demonstrate perhaps the most visceral and grisly element of connection, though far from the only one.

“I am seeing that there is some natural affinity being developed between India and Israel and Jewish people,” said Mr. Anighotri, 48, who owns technology and consulting companies. “Because both these countries and people have been affected by this kind of terror — killing of civilians, something despicable that is happening year after year.”

Cedric Suzman, who until recently was co-chairman of the Atlanta group, echoed the sentiment. “In times like this, you suddenly realize that you’ve built bridges,” Mr. Suzman said in a telephone interview. “So instead of recrimination and accusation, you have a huge coming together of sympathy and understanding.”

The affinity of which both men spoke extends well beyond the shared experience of being the target of Islamist terrorism, or the resulting military and security ties between India and Israel. The softer tissue of human experience — culture, religion, values — also binds Indians and Jews.

That link can only be stronger after the news that the terrorists attacked specifically Jewish targets and tortured their Israeli victims before killing them.

It's certainly time to work together for the future. As a friend of mine says, "A billion Indians and Israelis can't be stopped."

But first, we have to lay the responsibility where it belongs, to use appropriate language in speaking of this atrocity, and to reject the pernicious idea that it's our own fault.