Pillow Talk Is Extra

bay to breakers eve.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Sun, 19 May 2013 04:54:00 +0000

I am SO DAMN EXCITED for Bay to Breakers tomorrow! I have my costume all set - I plan on being Alex from Clockwork Orange. I'm going to be drunk before 9 am and it will be glorious! We also have mint julep jello shots and I'll be traveling with my trusty whiskey lemonades. Bay to Breakers is my favorite holiday! Now that I'm done with all my major events for a while, I can relax and have a life!

Just popping in to say hey!
Cleo

moods.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Sun, 12 May 2013 17:50:00 +0000

I am a moody person. I hate it. It's one of the least favorite parts of my personality, especially since I have yet to determine what my triggers are. I know I can get upset around my period - emotional and whatnot, but outside of that I have no clue when the next bout of sadness will happen. Lately, I've been feeling a little melancholy. I don't know if it's the whole Ken Doll thing or my fears about what my promotion means and living up to the new title I have. Maybe it's the fact that I'm working on a terrible event that I just can't wait to be done with. Or it could just be that I'm feeling lonely, as I sometimes feel ,even though I have a pretty full life. I don't know.

Yesterday, I just felt so off. I don't know why - it was like I wasn't physically present in the moment. Spent most of the day moping around my house, in my pajamas watching bad television. I'm glad my friends dragged me out, though. Went to play bingo in the Sunset and then eat delicious salmon after that. I never regret going out and hanging out with people, but sometimes it's so difficult to do. I have one of those weird extroverted introvert personalities that make me feel like I have a disorder. It's like - how can a person feel lonely and also want to be alone at the same time. I don't get it.

I think the mood is lifting, though. I'm super excited about getting this event out of the way and I'm actually looking forward to the increased bonding time with my team - drinks and grilled cheese sandwiches at the W all day every day! I often wonder why I'm still planning events. Part of it is the high of it all - there is nothing more exciting than putting on an event. It's like being on drugs - with the highs and lows that accompany it. The other part is that I actually love my teammates. They are so much fun to be around and I love all the time I get to spend with them. Post-event, I get to cap it off with Bay to Breakers, which is my all-time favorite San Francisco holiday. Nudity, public intoxication, outdoor drinking and all this before 8am?! YES, PLEASE.

Hopefully the pendulum will swing towards happy again =)

friday brain dump.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Fri, 10 May 2013 21:17:00 +0000

Yesterday's post was kind of heavy and now I have all of these thoughts. I'm still an optimist in a lot of ways - I don't believe all men are inherently bad or evil, but I am trying to be way more discerning of who I let into my life. It's sad that I feel limited in my sexual expression because people are assholes. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but here are some random thoughts flowing through my head.

I NEED TO WRITE MY DATING MEMOIR. Seriously, my stories need to be told. I never consider myself to be a real 'writer' and I think it's time I started. My psychic has told me a bunch of times that I need to be writing, but I never listen. I think I let my day job and all my commitments keep me from doing the work I need and want to do. It's time for me to nurture my creative side and get going. Also, I'm hoping that writing it all out would be therapeutic. This weekend, I plan to storyboard this shit. If anyone has any favorite posts, please let me know!
Should I stop trying to explore kink? I don't want to let one bad apple ruin the whole bunch, but now I'm turned off by the whole kink community and trying to find partners. Maybe I should take my search offline and start going to some munches in person? I mean, all the craziness with Ken Doll aside, I really did enjoy myself. There's something about submission that really speaks to me and I do want that experience. I just need to figure out how to do it in a safe, sane way.
I need to figure out how to make some $$$ using my insane stalking skills. I really think I could have a side hustle with this shit. I can find almost anything - I would love to hone my skills and help other women discover what their shitbag boyfriends/husbands/potential online lovers are doing.
Should I re-enter the vanilla world of OKCupid? I still have my profiles up, but I'm not really actively seeking anyone and I could probably stand to revamp everything I have up. I don't know - I just get so disillusioned with the idea of relationships. I can't live without sex, but it's been increasingly difficult to meet quality men that pique both my vagina and my brain. I just can't figure out how to make shit happen. It's like - do I focus on it or do I not focus on it? People say things like, "OH, don't do anything. It'll happen when you least expect it." I was celibate for a freaking year and nothing happened. I mean, I got propositioned by a few guys, but the love of my life didn't magically appear out of the woodwork. Then, when I seek things out, I end up being disappointed with what I find. Not sure what the right answer is here.

Anyway, I'm all up in my feelings right now, but I still want to have fun and I still want to have wild, crazy sex and live my life to the fullest. I just don't want to get burned again. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed that this happened (to be honest, I view all of my blunders and stumbles as positives because they're teachable moments and great stories), but I know I need to be smart about how I proceed. I'll be spending the weekend revamping profiles and figuring shit out. Hopefully, I'll have lots of positive stories for you soon!

this is the wildest thing that has ever happened to me.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Thu, 09 May 2013 21:44:00 +0000

I don't even know how I can truly do this story justice. I've been spending the past couple of days trying to think of how I can adequately describe what's been going down in my romantic life. Here goes nothing. This will most certainly be a very big chapter in my future memoir of my ridiculous dating life.

So, Ken Doll. Beautiful, gorgeous, amazingly sexy, and super talented in bed Ken Doll. My mother always told me that if something is too good to be true, then it probably is. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a world class stalker. I'm not a psycho - I don't stalk every man I date or my friends or anything like that, but when I can't find the answer to something, I spend time searching for it. I'm like that at work - it's something my bosses frequently comment on. CJ finds answers. CJ never says "I don't know." CJ figures shit out. Ken Doll has been this enigma. I haven't heard from him in a bit and I couldn't find him on Facebook or Twitter or any of the other social media networks that our generation is so into. Given that, I decided to hunt around. What I found basically knocked the wind out of me. I have been so consumed with this that I haven't even really been able to adequately celebrate my promotion.

I did a little bit of hunting and found out several things. The first thing is that this guy is a crazy spearfisher and diver. He does this shit all the time. He likes hunting and killing things both on land and sea. I also found a post online where he talks about a trip he's taking around the world and how he's selling all of his possessions to go on it. Not much of this is shocking since he told me about the trip when we met AND he told me about his gun collection and love of hunting. I also find an ad where he's selling his Porsche. Okay, dude has money. Makes sense - he said he was in finance.

Day 2 of stalking yielded the most disturbing information yet. I find a post from him online where he tells his fellow spearfishers that he is setting sail on May 18th and that he will be taking this trip with his friend and their WIVES. My heart literally leapt to my throat. For those of you who don't know me, cheating is a big fucking deal for me. I don't condone it and I don't condone being a part of it. I would rather stab myself in the face than sleep with a married or partnered man. I just don't get down like that. My moral compass may be reallll shady about some things, but it points due north on this. After this bombshell, I get so upset that I just start digging through everything I can find. I'm searching all kind of terms and finding everything I possibly can. I read 166 posts from this boy on this fishing site and I find two things - a picture of his girl (cute, petite Asian girl) and his real name.

Now that I've got his real name it is ON. I find him on Facebook and the girl. I find their wedding site and learn that they aren't married yet, but they are getting married on SATURDAY. Their wedding is on SATURDAY. WTF?!?! No wonder he's too busy to hang out - he probably has a bunch of WEDDING ERRANDS TO COMPLETE. Then, the cherry on the top of all of this amazingness. Homeboy is a registered sex offender. I found both of his lovely mug shots. He was arrested for 4th degree sexual assault on an incapacitated victim using force or coercion. 4th degree is no penetration, so at least he didn't stick it in?! BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL?! Jesus take the wheel. I'm dying.

Now that I know all of this - in addition to some other info (he's not in finance, he's a recruiter, his family is BEYOND loaded, he had a brother who died last year and there's memorial to him on his family's estate) - I am just disgusted. Truly disgusted. I'm sad that what was the best sexual experience of my life has this sheen of grossness allllll over it.

I have more to say, but this is already super long, so to sum it up. I'm looking at my life. I'm looking at my choices. I'm trying to figure out how to ensure this never happens again. Right now, I'm thinking nunnery.

YAY!

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Wed, 08 May 2013 23:04:00 +0000

So, I have major epic craziness to blog about, but you know what - I don't want to focus on fucked up men today, I want to focus on me! I found out yesterday that I have been promoted to Marketing Events Manager!!!!! I'm so excited! I didn't think this would happen until October (although my psychic told me it would be earlier than that), so I'm really over the moon. I've been agonizing about it like whoa - my dreams were insane - but I did it! I worked SO hard for this and this year has been one of the most challenging ones in my career, but also the most rewarding.

I can't really describe how I'm feeling right now - there's a part of me that is just so tired that I can't even be excited. There's another part of me that is in shock. Then another part of me is like "do I deserve this?" I mean, I know I'm good at my job, but am I good enough to be an event manager? I need to get rid of all that doubt - I'm not nearly confident enough and I always downplay my achievements, so I'm trying not to do that here, but it definitely comes up. The good part of me is excited. I'm an event manager now and hopefully that will come with much more responsibility and freedom. I want to get more involved with my individual clients and take on bigger events. I want to expand my role on certain projects. I'm really looking forward to an event I have in October where I'm going to get to be creative and do really cool shit with the product teams at my company. It's the first chance I've really gotten to completely blow up an event and make it my own. I know that I'm very logistically talented and I can juggle a lot of work, but this is the first chance to prove my creative skillz.

All in all, I'm elated for the recognition from my team and I'm looking forward to charting the future of my career. In the meantime - drinks!

relaxing.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Tue, 07 May 2013 06:19:00 +0000

Today after work, I decided to only do things that make me happy. I walked down to the Ferry Building and bought myself some salmon, lemons, a bottle of wine, a loaf of Acme bread, and my favorite balsamic vinegar/olive oil concoction. So bourgie. Then I took an Uber home and watched Game of Thrones and Mad Men while setting up my new MacBook Air. I have this image in my mind of my life right now - a beautiful, clean slate. I want everything to be fresh and I want to start from scratch. To clear away the old and focus on the new. I just had my apartment cleaned. I'm setting up my new laptop. I cleared out all of my debt on my credit cards. I crave newness - a chance to start over again and be a better, newer, cleaner version of myself.

Blank page.

up late.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Mon, 06 May 2013 06:49:00 +0000

Well, late for me. I took another one of my epic naps and therefore it's midnight and I'm not the least bit tired - I figure I'm up for another 3 hours at least. Oh well. This weekend, I did a whole lot of nothing. I volunteered all day Saturday at SFSI, which was fun. I miss sex ed nerds and watching copious amounts of pr0n in an academic way. It was really nice. After that, I took a little nap and then met up with College BFF and one of our friends for drinks. We were supposed to go out bro-hunting in North Beach, but we got all caught up being funny and awesome and shit and ended up staying in the apartment drinking ridiculously strong gin martinis. Cue drunken cab ride back to my place after disgusting pizza. Today, I lived the shut in life and didn't leave my house.

I'm a little restless, bored, and unmotivated today. I have some mysterious cramp that makes bending over horrible. I want to attribute it to my monster period, but I think I may go to the doctor tomorrow or Tuesday if it persists. Ugh, I feel like I'm getting older. Still no news on the promotion front. Still no word from Ken Doll. In other news, I'm giving up Dom #1 because he is terrible and not attractive and not doing anything for me. I hate when I have really bad sexual experiences, so I've decided to stop having them. He is a really bad sexual experience, so I'm cutting him out. On to the next one, please.

Anyway, just writing to write something. Back to my night of Scandal, Game of Thrones, and Mad Men.

xox

what am i doing with my life?

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Wed, 01 May 2013 22:54:00 +0000

I'm starting to think that it's just a natural part of a late-twentysomething's life to be constantly in flux with their career. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Our team is going through a ton of change - we have about 3 or 4 people leaving the team/company, opening up a bunch of positions and really causing me to question what I'm doing. Not only that, but my boss has been crazy lately and I have no idea what's going on with her. I'm unmotivated by 50% of our job and some of the large events just aren't exciting to me anymore. I want to move on to other things, but I'm not sure how to position myself without offending her. There's a part of me that wants to stop reporting to her, but then I still like doing some of what we do. Arg, I just don't know.

I'm also waiting to see if my promotion will go through, which will determine what I think I need to be doing. There's too much in flux. Part of me wants to do internal events full time, but I know that ultimately that won't be sustainable. What I'd really love to do is do 50% internal events and then continue to work with one of my product groups and then eventually either transfer over to that team or use that connection to move into a different world. I'm making spreadsheets and charts and pro/con lists, but I think that this decision (what I do next) will really have a huge driving force into what my career ends up becoming.

So much to think about...

bachelorette weekend!

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 21:19:00 +0000

Just got back last night from MB's bachelorette in Disney World - I am definitely exhausted, as evidenced by the 90 min nap I just took. I will admit, at first I was skeptical that I would have fun (because I'm not really a kid at heart - I was born about 75 years old), but I really enjoyed the parks. It reminded me of my childhood vacations spent at Disney. I also liked being old enough to drink (drinking around the world at Epcot was most certainly a highlight of trip) and I had a delicious salmon dinner at one of the new Disney restaurants.

The thing I really enjoyed about the trip was meeting' MB's family. When you've known someone for nine years, you hear a lot about their family stories and you really feel like you get a picture of how they grew up and their family dynamic. Since we met in college, though, I never got the chance to actually meet her family and I *loved* her sisters and all their quirkiness. It was nice to match faces to names and stories and sit around drinking by the pool and talking about sex and girl stuff. I like seeing where people come from - I find it gives you a lot of insight into how they've become the person they are.

Now, it's back to reality, which means work and a major event two weeks out. Eek! Cannot wait til it's over and I get a little bit of a break. I also need to get back on my healthy train. I'm not silly enough to think I can do the no alcohol thing, but I need to start working out daily. Ah, real life. So hard to return to you...

vacation!

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 20:28:00 +0000

This is the first time ever that I *think* I can have a real vacation in which I don't check my email. I'm kind of freaking out about it. I have an event tomorrow that I'm managing remotely, so I will most likely stay online while I'm on the plane, but once we land in Orlando, I think I can finally chill out. I most likely will not be blogging much, so consider this a goodbye until Tuesday! I'm off to a bachelorette party in Disney World for one of my sisters. I'm looking forward to Harry Potter land and getting tan. And hopefully swimming a little. It's supposed to be like 90 degrees this weekend in FL. My coworkers have given me the challenge of hooking up with a Disney character... while in costume. Our faves are Mr. Potato Head and Peter Pan. I doubt I will make this happen, but just the thought of it is making me laugh.

Holla!

cleaning house.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 02:33:00 +0000

I desperately need to get my life in order. I've been having a lot of fun lately and it's been great, but I've taken my eye off the prize and I need to get myself reined in again. Lots of things have been swirling around in my mind: work, love, sex, my apartment, my future, writing. There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to be, and yet, not really a lot of time to cram it all in. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing at it all. I'm not quite sure how to balance this insane job with all of the things I want to do.

I think that will be my goal for 2014 - finding some balance and peace and really honing in on what's important to me. I'm considering a career change. Same team, same job, but I think I want new clients and new products. Switch it up a little bit. I need to stop looking at what's right in front of me and start looking all the way down the line at where I want to be 5 or 10 years from now. Then there's love... I'm having fun playing around and I think I will be doing that for the rest of the year, but eventually I'm going to have to get serious about finding someone because I know I want that. Badly. When I think of #foreveralone, I get worried. I mean, I know I'm strong enough for it - I'm a black woman, born with strength and resilience, and I live an active life - but that doesn't mean I want it. For the now, though, sex is my primary objective. I just have to make sure I don't get sucked down the rabbit hole of finding good sex and forgetting about finding someone to care about.

My psychic told me last time I saw her that I need to write. That writing will give me some kind of salvation. I need to start making more time in my life for writing, and not just on this blog. Sigh. There is too much to do.

dating and mating in the modern world.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 03:23:00 +0000

I feel like I'm in the midst of a personal dating and sexual revolution. For the first time, I'm not entirely sure what I want, outside of excitement and really hot sex. There's a part of me that would love to have a boyfriend - a significant other that I can take to parties and someone I can love deeply and truly. Then there's a part of me that is like "holy shit! I'm living in one of the most sexually progressive cities in the country. I need to mix it up and date around and do all sorts of crazy things while I still have my youth." It's a daily battle that I'm dealing with by (1) maintaining an active OKCupid profile, to meet men who want to date me and (2) maintaining an active presence in the BDSM world, to meet a man who wants to dominate me utterly and completely in either a monogamous or non-monogamous way.

I bought a book yesterday, "The Kinky Girl's Guide to Dating" - written by a BDSM chick who lived in San Francisco. I'm hooked so far - she offers some practical tips for meeting partners and navigating what is a completely unknown world to me. I'm not 100% sure what I'm looking to get out of this, but I know that I'm not completely done exploring. In terms of my two potential doms, I think I may be moving on to other pastures. I never talked about Dom #1, but that was mostly because he was unremarkable. More of a baby step into this crazy world. He kind of gets on my nerves a little (he texts me all day every day at work), and I think our kinks just don't really match up. He's really more of a submissive and I think he tried to be a Dom, but it failed. We never actually had sex - just a lot of blowjobs and making out and I think I'd like to keep it that way. Ken Doll is busy right now, so who knows if he'll ever resurface, but hey - I'm glad I had one night of amazingness. Now it's on to the next.

I think I may venture out of the online world and start going to some munches (a munch is essentially a BDSM meet up where folks in that world can chat and get to know each other in a non-sexual context, like coffee or dinner) and really getting more involved with some local organizations. It seems like the easiest way to play and the fastest way to figure out what I like and who I want to do it with. I'm enjoying this newfound liberation and I'm hoping it'll give me more confidence and agency in my sexuality.

i don't do 4/20.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 05:01:00 +0000

This was the best 4/20 ever - I got the hell out of San Francisco and drove down to Santa Cruz with College BFF, two of the folks in her fellowship, and JazzGirl. One of the girls was hopelessly annoying, but I love the other fellow and obviously I adore College BFF and JazzGirl! Santa Cruz was so cute. We went down by the boardwalk and rode some rides (roller coaster and the swings), I got to eat some yummy funnel cake (my fave carnival food from childhood), and I had a delicious salmon salad. It was nice to walk around town - the area is so cute and it reminded me of parts of Long Island. Since I know the name and location of every sex shop in the country, I remembered that there was one in Santa Cruz and bought some more lingerie for my forays into BDSM-land. I'm hoping I get to wear it for Ken Doll sometime soon. I am really, really, really hoping we have sex at least one more time. I've never wanted a man physically as much as I want him. Mraw.

It was so nice to get out of town with friends. I love taking day trips and exploring California. The more I do it, the more I'm convinced that this state is my home. I will be a New Yorker til the day I die, but California is capturing my heart and soul every day I live here. I don't really want to be anywhere else. =)

best sex of my adult life.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:09:00 +0000

OMG, I am on Cloud 9 right now. It's truly amazing how somebody giving it to you the right way can just make you a happier person. Biggest smile on my face all day. Last night, Ken Doll came over and it was ON. He instructed me to be wearing lingerie for him. I picked out this sexy outfit I wore once for TOJ. Black and pink bra, with this bustier thing (also black and pink) with clips to garters and thigh high fishnets. I looked HOT. He came over around 7pm and I greeted him in my fuzzy pink robe. He was totally into the outfit and told me that I looked really sexy, which made me blush and giggle. I spent the first 10 minutes giggling. I was just so nervous that I didn't know what to do. Luckily, he's a Dom, so he took me into my room and told me what to do.

It was seriously hot... his body is like OMG INSANE. My friends call him American Psycho because he's a hot finance guy and he definitely had some AP tendencies. He likes mirrors a lot, but I didn't really mind because watching his 8 pack abs pulse while he was screwing me was seriously sexy. It was probably the best moment of my 27 years on this earth. It was basically two and a half hours of hardcore sex. There were lots of props involved. Vibrators, blindfolds, restraints, some sharp pointy thing... lots of props. He also brought a 36 pack of condoms that he left at my house, haha. It was a really, really, really fun night. I let him do things I usually save for the ninth or tenth date... but it was well worth it. He clearly knew what he was doing.

After we finished and I cleaned up, I came back to my bedroom and he was laying in bed and asked me to cuddle with him. We laid down and talked a bit (comment from Vest: "Did you tell him ~pillow talk is extra?~ LOVE VEST). I learned more about him - he hunts. He's going to hunt wild boar in Texas tomorrow and owns 6 guns. He's very playful and has a really nice smile and pretty light brown eyes. But then, he dropped the mother of all dealbreakers. He told me he owns a *tarantula* - if you know me, you know that I am DEATHLY afraid of spiders. I can't tell if he was being serious with me or joking. I kept asking him if he was shitting me and he gave me this little half-smile... UGH. So frustrating. So we can never do it at his house. Ever. Sessions at my place only. After about 30 min of cuddling, he got up to leave. Watching him get dressed... even sexier than undressing him. I walked him out and he told me he was really happy we got together and that he had a really good time. He kissed me for a few minutes and told me he'd be back on Sunday and that we should get together.

Best. Sex. Ever. Seriously, I'm going to be happy for the next week. He's fucking hot and he has a nice penis that he knows how to use. I've got to hit it at least another 2 or 3 times.

Mission accomplished.

all about Dom #2

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 19:11:00 +0000

Soooo, two potential doms. Today, I feel like talking about Dom #2, aka Ken Doll from here on out. I got a message from him like three weeks ago asking me about how I got interested in BDSM and what I wanted to get out of it. I've gotten a bunch of messages ever since dipping my toe into this pool, but this one stood out. Homeboy is really fucking HOT. Like he has abs. Beautiful 6 pack abs and muscles and pelvic lines. He's probably like 5'11" and he's blond. Men like that never approach girls like me, so I immediately assumed it was fake, but I rolled with it.

Ken Doll and I exchanged a few messages and there were things I liked about him. He's very business-like and he has a philosophy around his BDSM. It's not just - oh, I want to control women. He talked about the Dom existing to fulfill the sub's fantasies. Which was intriguing to me. My #1 fantasy is licking his hairless chest... but I digress. He's also super into safe sex and testing and was very upfront about that. I liked that he asked questions and told me more about his views on sex and submission. It made me feel more comfortable. He told me he wanted to meet up, and asked me out for coffee. I also liked that - no alcohol and no "let's hook up immediately." Check plus.

Coffee was last Thursday and he is every inch of the man in the photos. I was SO nervous. Good looking men scare the shit out of me. I love ~~ugly dudes~~ men who aren't conventionally good looking because I find them easier to control and I feel like I have the power in that dynamic. It's fucked up, I know. I talk about it in therapy a lot. We just chatted about our lives. It was like a normal first date. Talked about college, work, our friends, what we do in our spare time. After about an hour of that, he asked if I wanted to take a walk. I said yes, so we went to the park and started talking about sex and BDSM and our goals. He told me he likes that I'm "normal" and not the Dungeons and Dragons type. He also likes that I'm gainfully employed and not exploring this to fix some trauma in my life. I think we're well-matched. I hope he finds me attractive... I guess he does if he wanted to pursue meeting me.

ANYWAY. He's coming over tonight. I'm so nervous. Like, OMG. Hopefully it'll be a fun time. I honestly cannot wait to see him without clothing on. I may have an orgasm instantly. I don't have many weaknesses with men, but perfectly toned bodies are one of them (hence my Ryan Lochte crush). He's coming over at 6:30pm and I've been told to wear lingerie. Eep!

Wish me luck... let this period of sexual experimentation begin!

typical sunday evening.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 05:14:00 +0000

As my mother would say, "Nothing like the last minute, CJ." I stay waiting until the final hours to do shit I need to do. My apartment is filthy and Dom #2 is coming over tomorrow. I need to rectify this ASAP. I have a ton of work to do. I haven't finished my taxes. I cannot handle life right now. Instead, this weekend I got a mani/pedi, a brazilian, played Bingo, and drank a lot. Ughhhhh, what is my life?!

Starting tomorrow, I'm off alcohol until Bay to Breakers. I reallllly hope I last. This will be the longest I've gone in forever. I mean, I was able to be celibate for a year, maybe I can do the no drinking? I also want to exercise every single day until then. I'm trying to lose like 20 pounds. We'll see how it goes.

Anyhow, lots to update on, but I'm going to have to save it for next week. Goodnight!

discomfort is often a sign of growth.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 05:58:00 +0000

So said my shrink when I told her about my latest sexual endeavor and how it is both exciting me and making me a little nervous. I've always wanted to have some kind of crazy sex life, but I've been inhibited by a wide variety of things. I'm shy, I'm insecure at times, and I never really found an outlet. Ladies and gentlemen, I think I've found an outlet. Hoping I don't get burned.

I go through phases. I went through my "date and try to meet your soul mate" phase. That crashed and burned real quick #foreveralone. I tried my sleeping around phase - fun, but not all that memorable. I tried my celibacy phase (I will never do that again). Now, I'm trying my BDSM phase. I live in the capital of free love and I have not taken advantage of all the amazingly different opportunities to explore one's sexuality. Now, I think I'm ready. I've only really told Vest what's up, because he's so open and also excited about me exploring, as opposed to others who may be concerned. I told College BFF most (but not all of it) because I think she would love me regardless of anything. I'm still hesitant about being 100% open because I kind of want to live through it before I talk about it. That way, people will be less worried.

Basically, I'm exploring BDSM and my inner submissive. I have two potential Doms in my life right now and I'm seeing how I like trying out this new lifestyle. It's already gotten me some action, which has been nice. I forgot how much I love being with men. How fun it is to make someone else happy sexually. It makes me feel really fucking amazing. I feel prettier and sexier and happier already. All good things.

More to come, but this is all I feel like sharing for now... I will probably now go hide in a corner after writing this post.

single and ready to mingle!

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 23:20:00 +0000

I feel like I've been reborn. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but let's just go with it, please. For the past year, my sex drive has been almost non-existent. Seriously, I was ready to put out a missing person's report for my libido. I just didn't give two shits about getting laid or even getting myself off. It's been a long dry spell for me - which was really concerning given how absolutely crazy sexual I normally am. Somehow, though, the cloud has been lifted and I am so ready to have sex with any and everyone - haha =)

I've kind of decided that 2013 is the year of being non-monogamous and exploring my sexuality in every available avenue. I don't want a boyfriend. The thought of a boyfriend makes my stomach turn and I want to vomit. I want to be promiscuous again (safely, of course). I want to meet men, hook up with them, and walk away unscathed. I want to be an emotionless automaton because that was always when it was the most fun for me. I have learned how to be strong - how to be emotionally there for myself and how to surround myself with friends who can take care of my deepest emotional needs. Now, I kind of just want to focus on men (plural, please) who can handle my deepest physical needs.

I'm dating again. Went out on Saturday with this guy and had an insanely hot sexual encounter afterwards. I have a date on Thursday with a boy whose body looks like a freaking Ken Doll - tall, blonde, abs for days, those pelvic lines. I'm salivating just thinking about all of the dirty, kinky things I want him to do to me. It is going to be a good time. Although, we're just getting coffee, so I don't anticipate it'll be some hot and heavy thing on Thursday, but a girl can dream.

I feel really fucking good right now. I feel attractive and happy and sexually desirable. I never feel this way - EVER. So I'm going to treasure this small moment of time where I feel good about myself and I'm going to go out and play. Because I deserve it.

it feels SO good to be done.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 05:47:00 +0000

The event I've been working on for almost 2 years is over! I cannot believe it. Of course, I'm woefully behind on everything else, but seriously - I'm finished! It went swimmingly. It was probably the most exhausted I've ever been in my life, but it was amazing. "Flawlessly executed," as one of our execs said. I don't know about all that, but I think our little team did a damn good job pulling off a seriously tricky event for so many people. I can't even begin to describe how awesome it feels to complete the biggest event of your career. I feel so blessed to be doing this at 27. It makes me feel like I can do big things and succeed. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do with my life, but I do love events and I'm happy to have been able to be on this one.

Outside of work, I am trying to rebuild my life this week. Catching up on old work and starting new projects. I'm working from home the whole week, which feels luxuriously decadent. Cannot wait. I'm also doing some sexual exploration that is new, scary, and fun. I'll talk about it later. So far, only College BFF and Vest know about it. I had a really good date on Saturday afternoon and I'm feeling really happy and okay with myself. Which is good, because it hasn't been that way lately.

Anyway, TV time. Mad Men is back! =)

Happy Sunday!

take a breath.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Sat, 30 Mar 2013 04:07:00 +0000

The funeral was rough. It was really rough - the only thing worse than the funeral was the staggering amount of work I returned to, even though I was gone for literally 40 hours.

Latinos are an emotional people - we just are. So far, I've only been to funerals on the black side of my family and they were pretty low-key. I mean, we told some jokes, reminisced, listened to some speeches, and then called it a day. This funeral, on the Puerto Rican side, was like nothing I've ever witnessed before. I am not a person who is comfortable with emotions - not my own and not other people's. Toss in about a week and a half of getting 4-5 hours of sleep and I was not at my optimal emotional state at all. We got there, and it was like the waterworks from the family just kept flowing from entry until exit. Watching my grandmother cry and sob and drape her body over the casket was the single-most gut-wrenching thing I've ever seen. I do not wish to relive that moment. My uncle did pretty well until the end, but basically everyone was a hot mess.

My father was his usual stoic, jokey self. Today in therapy, talking about my grandfather really helped me see the parallels between him and my dad. Basically they are the same person. My grandfather was a fun-loving guy - always telling jokes, laughing, being silly. My father is a little quieter, but essentially the same. He is always pretty happy and he never complains. He makes really lame jokes and is friendly and kind and accommodating, much like my papa was. Dad didn't cry (not that I expected him to - my father, like me, is a Virgo, and we are stoic as fuck). Instead he told jokes, we laughed, he explained the Spanish ceremony to us, since my rusty Spanish couldn't help me keep up with the priest. I cried because of the moment and the weight of it and watching everyone else grieve. That was the hardest for me. Seeing others in pain.

All of this reminded me that love is painful and fleeting. My grandmother spent over 60 years of her life with one man, a man she loved deeply and truly - a man who was devoted to her completely. Watching her cry and hearing her wails and sobs really brought home the power of love and how hard it is to lose someone that means everything to you. While the thought of losing that terrifies me, I still hope that one day I should be so lucky to love someone enough that the loss of them completely undoes me. I pray that my grandmother is able to find peace and love within her family to get her through this time. Lord knows, aging is not easy, especially when you have to do it without your partner.

there is too much to be done.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 21:51:00 +0000

I am really seriously at my breaking point for stress. I want everyone to just go away for a little bit so I can breathe. I enjoy my job, I really do - but the fact that I can't even GRIEVE when someone in my family has died is a serious problem. The sad thing is, this shit happens ALL THE TIME at my company. I had a friend lose her mother and was still working like a dog while she was sick. It's such bullshit.

Anyway. Finally booked my 24 hours in NY for the funeral. Fun fun fun. Then I come back to running an event. I hate when I stress out like this because I don't want to be bothered with anyone and find it really hard to be social and polite and interested in others. I don't like that feeling - I love being social and polite and catching up with friends on what's going on in their lives. Right now, I could give two shits about anything or anyone that isn't this damn sales conference.

Oh yeah, and I'm up for promotion and haven't done my reviews yet. Awesome. Freaking awesome. They were due on Monday, but my manager only told me she was putting me up on Monday. And I go to bed every night at 10 or 11pm and get up at 4am and immediately start working through til 7pm. Everything sucks. Fuck all.

in which i deal with death.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 05:16:00 +0000

My grandfather (my father's father) died today. He had an aneurysm over the weekend, so my dad flew down to Orlando to be there. They had him on life support, but he was already far along in his dementia and there was really no likelihood of a recovery, so my father and uncle decided today to pull the plug. He died shortly thereafter. My father was the only one in the room with him.

I don't know how to feel about death, especially when it comes to my non-immediate family. We never had a close relationship with my father's parents. I don't know why. Maybe part of it was they never really approved of my dad marrying a non-Puerto Rican, especially not a Black woman. Maybe it was the language barrier, as none of us (outside of my dad) speak Spanish fluently. Maybe it was distance - they live in Orlando and we lived in New York. I don't know. I have some fond memories of my grandfather, though. He was very funny - he loved to tell crazy off-color jokes and play games with us as children. He always struck me as a very nice, open-hearted, fun-loving man. His marriage to my grandmother seemed rock solid. I worry about how she'll handle this, especially since she's also starting to lose her sanity to dementia.

I'm sad, mostly for my father. This is the first death of a parent he's had to deal with. My mom's parents are both deceased, so she gets it, but he's never experienced this before. I wonder if he regrets not being as close to them as his brothers were. I wonder if he got to say what he wanted to say before he died. I wonder if he replays moments from his childhood, the way I imagine I'll replay moments from my childhood on that terrible day when one of my parents finally ends their time on this earth. My father is a stoic man - I texted him a message of condolence (it was too late to call) and got what was essentially a form letter-style group text back. I'm not surprised; men are usually not taught to display any sign of weakness or emotion, especially not in front of their daughters. Plus my father is much like me, a grim-faced Virgo who would rather die on the inside than to ever betray any signs of unhappiness or stress to the outside world. We would rather crumble inside than crumble outside, even if being open and honest about our pain meant that we'd get comfort and shelter. It's hard to be that person when shit hits the fan, but we cling to that "strength" anyway.

Although I never knew my grandfather in a deep emotional sense, I only have love for him because he created and raised the one person who is my gold standard for everything that a man should be. My father is hands-down one of my favorite people on this earth. He has achieved so much for someone who grew up poor in Manhattan, without even a bedroom (he slept in a closet). He is the kindest, most selfless person I've ever met and works harder than anyone. I am where I am today because my father has worked 24 hour shifts and 7 day weeks when he had to, in order to ensure that I got the education I wanted. He never said no to any summer camp, trip, or program I ever wanted to be a part of and he never complained about the work he did to make it happen. I imagine that a lot of that stems from the example he had from his own father, another hardworking man who did what he needed to do to give his family a better life. I hope he rests in peace and I hope my father is able to find whatever solace he needs to get through this.

in which i finally have sex.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 18:26:00 +0000

Early morning chat from Vest: "Tell me all. ARE YOU INSPIRED? IS YOUR LIBIDO READY TO DEVOUR THE WORLD?"

DYING. After 362 days of choosing to be celibate, I finally broke my no sex rule on Thursday night with a man who shall be referred to as OJ (if you recall there was TOJ, which stood for The Other J----. OJ is the Original J----. Keep up people!). Homeboy has been trying to get in my pants for round 2 for like ever. He lives in New York, we met at a wedding in Israel, and hooked up in December of 2011. I don't know why, but I've just been in this weird headspace where I couldn't conceive of screwing anyone, so I would be super shady whenever he'd ask to hang out. He's been living in San Jose for the past few months and this was his last week, so he reached out to see if I wanted to get drinks and I finally said yes.

We met up at Tradition and had a couple of drinks and started talking about our lives and work. He's really easy to talk to and I feel very comfortable with him, which is rare for me. I normally am not comfortable with men I've had casual sex with. I'm just immature like that. If you've seen me naked, but we never had an emotional connection, I'm probably going to act like I don't know how to behave socially when we next interact. I still dodge my one-night stands whenever I see them. I'm fucking awkward, I can't help it. Talking about normal shit led to talking about sex shit (as it usually does with me). I told him about all my randomness - bondage classes, etc. He seemed intrigued. Once the check came, he paid, and asked what I was doing for the rest of the night (by this point it was like 11pm) and whether I lived far away. I invited him over, so we took an Uber back to my place.

When we got into the apartment, I didn't even want to pretend that it wasn't about sex. He went to the bathroom and I went into my bedroom. He came out and asked where I was, so I told him I was in my room and he was like "Oh, okay. I just didn't want to be presumptuous." I turned off the lights, took off my shoes and got in my bed. Basically, I wanted to signal that I wanted him to screw me as fast as possible. I mean, it was a work night. I needed to get some sleep. We started rolling around, kissing and whatever. Once it was clear he was ready to go, I threw a condom at him and was like - OK, get to it! Cue penetration, followed by oral sex, followed by like 2 hours of us chatting about randomness. I told him I hadn't had sex for a year - he was like, "Yeah... I wondered about that. You seemed like you were just ready for me to stick it in without any foreplay." HAHA. I guess I wasn't that subtle, but seriously - when you haven't been fucked for a year, you just want to get it done. You're not looking for candlelight and rose petals. At least, I wasn't.

So I've done it. Broken the celibacy. I feel good about it - it was time. It was nice to be touched by a man again. It was kind of sad that it wasn't someone that I had a strong emotional connection to. I still miss TOJ and the sex we had, but I think sleeping with OJ as a great first step to me branching out and getting myself back in the game. I have a goal to have at least one one-night stand in the next two months. I don't really want to have another dry spell like the one I had last year. I want to explore my sexuality this year and really make it an important part of my life. Sure, I'd love a serious partner, but I just don't know when or if that will happen, so in the meantime, might as well focus on (a) getting my needs met and (b) doing all that shit that I wouldn't be able to do if I was in a serious relationship. I am 27 years old. There is no reason for me to live like a cloistered nun. I've been letting my celibacy define me, but Vest made a good point - see chat below:

Me: Wee. I feel weird now, though. No longer celibate. Who will I be now?

Vest: Slutty sexbot Cleo

Slutty sexbot Cleo. I kinda like it =)

worst week of my life!

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 04:48:00 +0000

This has been, hands down, one of the shittiest weeks on record. I'm finally at home in my apartment and so glad to be here, even though my list is long for tonight and I have more work than I think I can handle. Oh, well. This is my life until April 4th.

Basically, my event was AWFUL. I mean, it came together at the end, but all of the crazy AV issues were just terrible. The venue was terrible. We started 30 min late. There was really nothing to be done and for the amount of money that we spent on this - it was really not that great. Sigh. I just want to curl up and sleep for a week, but there is absolutely no time for that.

Then, to top it off, guess who lost her wallet in Austin? THIS GIRL. I wake up this morning at 4:15am to catch my flight and wallet is nowhere to be found. I had to catch the flight with the rest of the team, so I just went to the airport. I convinced them to give me my ticket, but I wanted to check my baggage. Of course, I had no wallet, so I had no money, so that was out. Then, I get to the front of the security line and I'm just like O_o HALP. I had my company photo ID and a checkbook, so they let me through. I had to go through the machine and then an invasive pat down, followed by them swapping every item I had. I ran to the gate and just barely made it on time after gate-checking my bag. My boss lent me $100 so I could get a cab home and have money for the day. She is beyond amazing. Today has been spent at the DMV (two hours) replacing my license, calling all my credit card companies and canceling them, getting a new insurance card, a new CLEAR card, and replacing my Zipcar card. The thing I'm most mad about, though - I was thisclose to getting a free eyebrow threading AND I had a ful book of stamps. Sigh.

Tomorrow has GOT to be a better day.

i love events, but i'm ready to go home.

noreply@blogger.com (Cleopatra Jones) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 04:03:00 +0000

I just changed my flight to leave on Wednesday at 6am. I cannot wait to get the hell up out of Austin - love the city, but I'm ready to go home. I have 2 weeks before my next event and then 1 week before the biggest event of my life. I'm so nervous and excited and scared! I'm really just ready for my life to return to some semblance of normalcy. I want to date and feel like myself and work out again and just be. I'm hoping I can get away with no work travel until May. That would be spectacular! In all likelihood, this won't happen, but a girl can dream.

This trip has been a lot of fun - I've gotten to connect to one of my coworkers in a way I haven't before and it's always nice to get closer. I know lots of people *coughVestcough* make fun of my relationship with my coworkers, but it's really one of the main things that make this job absolutely amazing. We all love each other and support each other and it feels like a little family. I kind of need that.

Anyway, tomorrow is the big day! I hope the event goes off without a hitch. I'm a little nervous, but I'm a fucking rockstar and I'm going to make this event the best I can. Wish me luck! =)