Pill's Place

New Posts

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 19:43:00 +0000

There have been two new posts on the new site! Go check it out, update your subscriptions and your RSS Feeds!

http://thebelleoftheballs.blogspot.com/2013/02/yu30-challenge.html

A makeover!!

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 18:53:00 +0000

I've been blogging on Pill's Place for a LONG time. I've also been ready to change it for a long time. The name just didn't have that hold for me that it once did and the design was another piece of the past. I've toyed around for quite a while on how I was going to tackle this. Was I going to keep the name but just spice things up a bit, or go a whole new direction.

I have decided to take the new road. My hope is that some of your follow me. There are over 200 people subscribed to get Pillsplace emailed and another good chunk of subscribers to a feed. Then there are those that just type in the address. I'm sure I will lose some of you along the way. It makes me sad, but the new road ahead looks exciting.

The new site is still a work in progress, but without further ado I would like to introduce to you......

The Belle of the Balls will be much the same writing at Pill's Place, but I am going to try and be a bit better at organizing this time around. Make it easier to find the stuff that interests you.

While there are still tweaks to make to the site, I encourage you to start following now and update your email subscription. That way when the first post goes live you will be good and ready!

See you on the flip side!

Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 03:56:00 +0000

Maybe I'm watching too much Nurse Jackie right now...which by the way I LOVE that show! I don't know why it took me so long to start watching it. That hubby of hers? Yum.

Anyway, I have been thinking the past few days about addiction. You see, it runs in my family. I've had quite a few family members that have struggled with addiction which perhaps helped me at a young age from wanting to drink or do drugs. That is what addiction is. When you hear someone has an addiction problem, you immediately think they are either drinking or doing drugs. You don't think of some of the other non conventional addictions. Yet, there are a lot. In fact I would dare say that I suffer from a few of them. The one I want to talk about here is eating. We've talked about it before, it comfortable for me for some reason to talk about it here.

Here's the thing. I have an addiction problem with food. I'm sure there are a MILLION reasons why I over eat, just like there may be a million reasons why someone starts drinking. Here is what is different. I can't just STOP eating. If someone is a drug addict no one tells them "just take less drugs, start snorting lines in moderation." If someone is an alcoholic no ones tells them to "just drink light beers." Yet....when someone has an unhealthy relationship with food they are just told to "eat in moderation." It's the simple solution.

What the fuck? Do you know how hard that is? Those that have figured out how to eat in moderation and do it for life deserve a big medal. As big of a medal as someone that stops doing drugs or stops drinking. Those that don't figure it out and keep sliding down the slide get to feel like a failure. They get to experience the depression of feeling like they are a failure. They get to beat themselves up for not being strong enough to do it.

How do I know this? Well, I'm sitting at the bottom of the damn slide again. It started at gaining 3 pounds over the holidays and being OK with that. Only I didn't climb back up the slide like I thought I would. I kept sliding down, down, down, down. Along the way I found 7 other pounds.

Now I'm at the bottom and I feel like a failure AGAIN. I feel like I've let people down. I feel fat. I feel frustrated. Doing the cleanse was the most extreme thing I'd ever done. I didn't do it because I wanted to lose weight, I did it because I felt awful and I didn't want to feel that way again. Doing that cleanse really opened my eyes to my terrible addiction with food. The problem is, I don't feel like I have the support for this addiction. I'm sure I will be SLANDERED by some for this but I sometimes feel it would be better if my addiction was drug or alcohol related because I could at least be trying to just give something up..not just have it in "moderation." Don't get me wrong, it's not like I think that is easier...I just wish there were better options out there for those with food addiction issues. I wish it didn't feel as embarrassing or taboo. People feel bad for the drunk falling down on the street...people don't feel bad for the fat girl at the buffet. I'm sorry if saying that makes me seem like an asshole but I'm sure anyone who does have an addiction problem with food would agree with me. It's not sympathy I'm looking for either. I guess more of an understanding for how hard all of this really is.

Anyway, February I am doing a plant based challenge put on by YumUniverse...although I will admit I'm starting Saturday since I have to go grocery shopping. I don't know if it will last the whole 30 days, I don't know if I make it 30 if I will be able to continue it for the rest of my life. I just wish that someday this would all click and make sense and I wouldn't keep sliding down this slide.

I'll take my ridiculous award after this post.....

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 22:28:00 +0000

This year I was given my first holiday gift from a client/company that I work with throughout the year. Not only did I get a gift, but it was a $75 gift card to Nordstrom! I was soooo excited. I had my eye on some boots and thought I would go back and get them, but sadly they didn't have any in stock when I went back in to get them.

While I was browsing through the rest of the store I saw a wallet that I have always adored. It was on sale for $73....a steep price for me to pay for a wallet. I have adored this wallet for some time, but it is very hard for me to spend money on wallets or purses. I'm not sure why, I just haven't ever been comfortable dropping a lot of cash on these items. I realized though that the wallet was on sale and that I had a gift card to cover it so I would treat myself to something I would never buy otherwise. Last Thursday I went home the happy owner of a new Hobo wallet.

On Friday I went to Joann's and when I pulled the wallet out of my purse I gasped so audibly I shocked the cashier.

Yep, pen all over the wallet. I felt so silly for being so upset. I was upset though. I felt like I should never own things nice because this is what happens. Then I hit the internet trying to figure out how to remove pen from leather. Over the weekend I tried a couple things and only ended up making the situation worse. On Sunday I called Nordstrom to see if they had ideas on how I could remove the pen marks. The woman had a great idea....just bring it back and she would return it.

Say what?!

Now, I trained customer service for MANY years and we talked of the Nordstrom return policy but this was my first hands on experience of this. I mean I WAS TO BLAME! I had the click top pen in my purse! No worries I as assured, just bring it in and she would take it back.

I decided to play it safe and went with black, so much more forgiving!

I'm now a Nordstrom shopper for life!

Parenting 10...what the fuck am I doing?

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 04:02:00 +0000

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I had no idea being a parent would be so hard. I thought I'd be great at it. I thought I would have all the ideas and solutions. Instead each day I feel like it's a crap shoot and most of the time I feel like I'm walking away completely empty handed.

How's that for a hopeless blog post?

Right now, as I type this my child is screaming his head off in his room. Bedtime has become a nightmare. Each day right around 7pm I am filled with such dread I have no idea where to even begin. It's the start of a new night, a start of another bedtime. A bedtime that will end up with someone crying.

There was a time we had it down. At 6:45pm I set the "nappy timer"which is essentially the timer on the microwave. The clock would count down 15 minutes and when the timer went off Leyton knew it was time for bed. We would then go in his room, brush teeth, read books and about 20 minutes later tuck him in for the night and leave the room.

Sure there were times he didn't like it. There were times he'd fuss a little bit, but within a matter of 5-10 minutes he was settled down and sang himself to sleep or chatted with his stuffed animals. We've always been a family that wasn't against crying it out. At the same time there was a limit to this and a difference between a simple fuss and complete hysterics. I couldn't just leave hysterics. There have been a couple times I have but I always felt like hysterics needed soothing. If Leyton wakes up in the middle of the night I go to him. Sometimes he calms right down, sometimes he comes in our bed. He gets nightmares and again I can always tell when that is happening and know that he needs me.

Now, I don't know what is going on but it fills me with such anxiety it is hard at times to cope with it without wanting to run out the front door screaming.

The night starts right about 7pm. Leyton can tell it's almost bedtime and starts to go completely ape shit. It's like he's consumed about 15 redbulls. Once it is time for bed we get in the room. Sometimes it is just Bill, sometimes it is just me, sometimes it is both of us. He won't sit still to read a book, he's all over the place going absolutely ape shit. He's pushing buttons. He's smart and he knows damn well what he is doing. Have I given him too many chances? It's likely. Does he realize this and so he works me even harder? It's VERY likely. I don't care what age he is, he is one smart dude. Since it has been getting worse and worse I decided tonight was the night for "the law"to come back to town. That ended up meaning button pushing until finally I just dumped him in his crib without the normal routine, shut the door and walked out.

He lost his mind crying.

His Dad is in there right now, and he is calmed down but there is no way Bill will be able to leave that room until he is asleep. I never wanted that. I'm not here to criticize any parents decision. Some have their child in their room and bed for a long time, some stay in their child's room until they fall asleep each night. We each decide what we want to do for our kids. I decided at the very beginning that I wanted my son to be able to fall asleep on his own. I didn't want to hand hold him or sit in the room. I wanted to have a bed time routine and then let him figure it out. Again, has that meant crying at times...yes. Nothing like what is happening right now though and it is so hard as a parent to go through it.

I'm lost. I have no idea what to do here. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Will I write this and it will all just go away tomorrow? Many problems seem to happen that way. All I know is that right now, this sucks and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. More than one person is crying tonight and I don't want it to go down like that.....

Helping People

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 18:44:00 +0000

One of my goals this year is to complete more random acts of kindness. I had a whole game plan to spend my entire birthday doing just this, but funds are tight after the holidays so while I still will do this I have to do those deeds that don't cost money.

I've seen so many people this holiday season talk about someone buying them a drink while in line at Starbucks, I even did this myself two times. It was great to hear about this happening, I just hope it continues through the year. We all so often get generous at the holidays and then selfish the rest of the year.

Doing a random act of kindness can be simple. Ask someone that looks lost if they need your help, help an elderly person put groceries in their car, take your shopping cart back up to the store. The key is JUST HELP.

Today I did something that may have been foolish, but I feel like I have a solid head on my shoulders. I was talking to my mom on the phone and was sitting in the parking lot at work. I had noticed a car while driving in stalled on the side of the road. The man got the car going but it died again right outside of our parking lot. A bunch of men went over to help him push the car. They all mingled around talking to him and then left him there. The gardeners gave him a gas can, but then left him there. He stood on the side of the road to flag down a tow truck...who just drove right past him. He talked to another man in the parking lot and again was just left. He had made eye contact with me at one point while I was in my car but saw that I was on the phone and walked away.

Finally I asked my Mom to hold on, opened my door and asked if he needed help. He asked if I could take him to get some gas or take the can and put some gas in it..with money he provided. I told him I would take him. I then told my Mom I had to go as I was going to help a man get gas.

Once he was in the car I got a little scared. What the hell was I thinking? I'm a Mom, I have people who rely on me! I'm letting a stranger in my car. I've watched enough horror movies to know that's when it goes bad. The girl says, "I'll call you back, I'm going to help someone."

Turns out this guy was late for an interview. He had taken the day off to try and find a better job that was full time and was now late because he ran out of gas. His car had been stuck in the floods a month ago and all of his electrical keeps shorting out. He thought he had a half a tank. We got him gas and got him back so he could start his car.

Could it have gone bad? Yes. Was I certain it wasn't going to? Pretty much. I sometimes think maybe we don't help people because we are so afraid that everyone is the bad guy. We watch too many horror movies. We see to many bad things happen and we get jaded to all the good in the world. We spend our days staring at computer screens and phone screens and have lost touch with what it is like to even interact with people on a face to face basis. It makes us uncomfortable.

I'm not telling you to let some stranger get in your car, but put your phone down every once in a while. Look at all the good there is and see if maybe, just maybe...there is someone out there that you can help. Someone whose day you might take from bad to good.

A year of goals.....

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 02:32:00 +0000

I really didn't want to start this year really thinking that I was going to make resolutions. On the other hand I really felt like I wanted to make a list of goals and was inspired by Motley Mama and her 2012 Project. So I decide to participate this year and break it up into monthly goals.

Here's what I plan on doing in 2013:

January
Write a snail mail letter to my grandmothers each week and include a photo of Leyton. I'm REALLY bad at calling my gma's. I'm even worse at writing them. Each week this month I will send them a little letter saying hello and since they love Leyton might as well give them a cute photo too!

February
Complete a random act of kindness each day. I've been working on a list of things I would like to do each day.

March
Attend a budget and debt class. I've been doing some research to find one that looks good.

April
Swim or walk for an hour at least every....single....day! I was going to go with swimming only but I know I will be out of town for a weekend so I'll have to walk then.

May
Eat family dinner together each night. Since Leyton goes to bed early it is at times hard for us to all eat together. I'm going to make it my mission to eat together each night this month.

June
No spending month. Zilch, nada, nothing. No Target dollar bin items, no special beverages, no clothes, no magazines. You get it. I can only spend money on groceries and my normal bills.

July
Knit every day. This may be the same project, but every day I want to make time to knit..for at least 1 hour.

August
Read every day. Same as above but pick up a book and read for at least one hour each day.

September
No Facebook. I know this seems so silly but I do spend far too much time on there. I can't give up Instagram because I use it to document photos of Leyton and I need a computer at work so being off the internet is not an option. At least I can do Facebook though.

October
No playing on my phone while Leyton is around. No checking emails, browsing Instagram, texting, etc. I will still use it to take pictures and post those to Instagram but I will save all my internet/fun browsing for when Leyton is asleep.

November
Complete another two week detox/cleanse.

December
Give at least 75% handmade gifts for Christmas.

There you go! There's my list! Have you set any goals for yourself this year?

Health Update

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 19:55:00 +0000

You thought I fell completely off the wagon didn't you and that I was just going to avoid talking about the elephant in the room? Nope, not going to happen. The holidays are over, my goal...to stay the same weight between Thanksgiving and New Years. Did it happen? Nope. I'm up 3 pounds. Am I freaked out about it? Nope. I know what I did to put on those three pounds and I know how quickly I can take it off. And, while I did put on three pounds, I was not as unhealthy as I would have been.

I over-indulged for sure. I ate more sugar that I should have and at times not as many whole foods as I should have. The thing is, that is going to happen and it's important for me to realize that and to cut myself some slack sometimes.

So, first up...no more drinking. I'm not a big drinker but lately I have too often enjoyed a drink. It's time to cut that back out. Also, get the sugar in check. Thankfully there are not as many sweets lying around as there were a couple weeks ago so this will be easier to do.

One thing I am super super proud of...I have still had no soda. When I gave up soda I knew I wanted that one thing to be forever. I didn't want to have it ever again. Oh at times that has been so hard. I went to two movies this past week and wanted nothing more than to get a soda...but I didn't. I got a giant water instead.

In February I'm going to do another system reboot. I want to do that every three months. It won't be for two full weeks, probably just a week this time. I'm also still juicing and will start back on my morning juice tomorrow. I really enjoy that as breakfast and it just sets such a good tone for the rest of the day. Plus, Leyton has started drinking some of it too and lord knows that boy needs some veggies!!

Finally, I need to get back into the pool. I took a break because I got a tattoo and couldn't swim for a while, but now it is time. It's HARD to go back because it is so freaking cold right now and the pool is outside...eek. No more excuses though. The gym I go to also has a challenge that I might look into starting to give me more motivation to try some other things. There is an orientation about it on the 10th.

So, there you go. I'm 3 pounds heavier and it's not the end of the world. Every minute I get a chance to make it better and the next minute just started now.

Remember Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 17:53:00 +0000

I feel like 2012 was the year of absence from this blog. I just haven't felt it. I've thought about throwing in the towel many times...but I just can't. It's like the boyfriend I can't break up with, the friend I can't let go of. The thing is, the blog helps me out. I might not write a lot anymore but when I do write it helps me clear out the cobwebs of my mind.

So, here I sit on January 2nd reflecting and thinking about how I want this year to be different. Does that make it a resolution?

Overall I feel like I want to find more balance this year. Balance in the way I eat, balance in the way I parent, balance in work, etc. etc. I want to open my eyes and realize all that I have, not constantly just have my eyes open to the things I want to have. I want to write more. I want to read more. I want to knit and create more. I want to be a better version of me.

My birthday is just over two weeks away. I have something in the works for that day and will share it with you tomorrow as I gather my thoughts more.

Here's hoping you had a great year in 2012 and find everything you are looking for in 2013.

Not OK

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 17:02:00 +0000

Just when I think I'm OK, and have come to a place of peace over everything that happened last week, I see something like this and realize I'm not.

I can't wait to hug my Mom today, maybe that's all I really need.

Holiday Shopping!

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 23:26:00 +0000

Do you have someone on your Christmas shopping list that loves getting facials? Why not let them have the beauty of great skin from their home with holiday deals from DDF Skincare!

Facials are something I rarely go have done because I feel like I just can't afford it. That's why I'm eyeballing the DDF 400x Revolve Micro-Polishing System myself and from now until January 31, 2013 this product is 50% off! That's only $45 folks!! Nothing makes something more appealing likes saving 50%!!

The DDF 400x Revolve Micro-Polishing System gives you the benefits of professional microdermabrasion but at a MUCH lower cost! Instead of spending upwards of $100 for one treatment you can spend half that and get MANY treatments...it's the gift that keeps on giving! The DDF 400x Revolve Micro-Polishing System will improve your skin tone, give you instant improvement in pore appearance and a radiant glow. Isn't that what we are all looking for? Plus, you can use this in the shower or it is easy to travel with!!

Shopping for yourself and not sure this item will work well? Why not use the free Consultation service offered on the site! By answering a few questions you can find the skincare product that is perfect for you! I did this myself and definitely see some Anti-Aging products on my horizon!

Want to take advantage of this amazing deal? Just enter the code DDFMICRODERMA at checkout. If there’s more than one item on your shopping list, you can receive a second product for 50% off with code 2013DDFSKIN.

These deals are valid through January 31, 2013 and even include free shipping. Happy shopping everyone!!

Is that you Santa Claus?

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 18:55:00 +0000

A couple weeks ago Leyton and I participated in a Breakfast with Santa event here in West Sacramento. I thought it might be the perfect opportunity to introduce him to Santa again. If you don't remember, or weren't a reader...last year Leyton was not a big Santa fan!

I thought this year might be better. He's been talking a lot about him. "Santa's coming from the sky to bring me presents!" I mean, he can't not like him with thoughts like that.

We got to the breakfast and he was excited and talking about Santa. As soon as Santa got there, he got dead quiet. I took him to get in line for his picture. "I don't want to take a picture with Santa." Uh oh. I assured him that Santa was nice and that Mommy would stay right there.

He completely stone walled Santa. He wouldn't look at him, wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't even acknowledge his existence or take the candy cane from him.

Not quite as bad as last year, but classic Santa photo none the less!

Heavy heart.

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 05:06:00 +0000

We are 15 days into this month and all I can say so far is ouch. What a way to ring out the year. A year that seemed for the most part to be going better than the year previous.

On December 1st, just 15 days shy of her 63rd birthday, my Aunt Carol passed away. My Aunt lived a very hard life. She got on a path that lead her down some bad ways that were riddled with addiction. She had been in and out of my life growing up and I can't say we were ever especially close. That said, when I found out she had passed away I was saddened. No matter what she was family. She also loved my son. There was something about that boy that just made her giddy and that was such a nice feeling. I was assured by the fact that she had lived a hard life and was in a much better place now. It feels like such a cliche, but very true.

On Tuesday, December 11th I got a call at work from my Sister in Law. I knew it wasn't good and picked up the phone prepared to be told that my Father in Law was in the hospital. He has not been in the best of health since August so it was easier to assume this is what had happened. When the words "Mom is in the hospital" came out of her mouth I didn't know what to say. While my Mother in Law has been suffering from early alzeheimers, she has otherwise been healthy. She had a stroke and it did not look good. She passed away the next morning.

Joan was an amazing woman. She was a concert pianist, a mother of 6 and an overall wonderful woman and Mother in Law. I don't have any of those traditional Mother in Law stories because the fact of the mater is...I loved her. She was my family. She welcomed me into the family from the first moment that I met her. When I had Leyton I got to see a whole other side. She loved my son so much it made my heart burst. Even on her bad days, Leyton could show up to the house and change her world. She beamed when she looked at him. She hugged him like she never wanted to let go. She seemed to love him as much as I do.

I have handled my grief well. I've tried to stay strong for my husband and the rest of the family, helping however I could. I cried when no one was looking and smiled when they were. Then yesterday happened. I took Leyton out to his Grandma and Grandpa's to see the family and have dinner. When he started asking "Where's Grandma?" my heart broke. I don't even know how to answer that.

Some would say not to worry because he is so young he won't remember. I take absolutely no comfort in that. I want him to remember her. I want him to grow up and talk about the stories of the time he spent with Grandma. I want him to grow up knowing how much she loves him. Now that can only happen by me telling him, not him having the chance to grow those memories himself. It makes me angry. Angry that I didn't have children earlier. I've been with Bill for so many years, why did we wait so long? It's so silly I know, but I just can't shake it.

I want my son to have Grandparents. I grew up with Grandma's, both of my maternal Grandpa's passed away before I had a chance to know them. I have always wished I had a chance to know them. Leyton has a wonderful Grandma in Florida. She loves him like her own as well, but she is so far away. He lost his other Grandma. He has a Grandpa here in Davis who I adore, but he is not in great health. I want Leyton to know how amazing he is. I want Leyton to have great memories of time he spends with him. I can only hope we have that kind of time. Leyton's other Grandpa is an alcoholic. Leyton doesn't really know who is, he is only Grandpa because I tell him that's who he is. I give him this title that he does not even deserve.

It breaks my heart. Losing people you care about sucks and now I have to figure out how to deal with all of this. I miss you Joan, you forever hold a huge place in my heart.

Post Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 04:27:00 +0000

Well I made it through Thanksgiving week and managed to lose a pound. While I wasn't eating terrible, I was definitely doing what felt like indulging to me. I was not going to be concerned though because it was a "special" week. One that was going to come each and every year.

Here's the problem....I still feel like I'm indulging. I just feel like each and every effort to get back on the good path is being troubled with excuses. Excuses I give myself. I'll be fine. I did fine last week. I'll do it again. One pound is great. I can do this again.

I know this is the start of the downward spiral. This is what happens every time. I stray a bit, get a little too comfortable until I have lost my path completely and can't find the bread trail that I left behind....likely because I ate them all.

I don't want that to happen again. It's happened too many times. I WANT this time to be THE LAST TIME. Now is when I need the most strength. This moment is much harder than starting in the beginning. Restarting is the hardest part.

Wish me luck.

This will be the last time.

What a week!

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 23:27:00 +0000

Wow, am I writing what a week and it's only Tuesday?

To be honest I think I'm writing from Saturday forward since that day is still engrained deep in my brain. Saturday was GETty Crafty. It was a flop. It was the most beautiful venue of amazing vendors I have seen. Problem, no one came out shopping. I'm still not sure if I'm doing something wrong here, but needless to say it was frustrating no matter what the cause was.

Sunday when I checked in on my weight I was only down .8 lbs. I was actually happy about that. I allowed myself to splurge a couple times during the week and I think if I had still lost 2 pounds it would have made me feel like I could keep slurging. With Thanksgiving this week I didn't want to have that mindset.

Leyton developed another cough last week and with each passing day it seemed to get worse and worse. Bill and I were losing our minds. It is so hard to see him like that and know that nothing we are doing is helping. The thing is, there is a part of me that knew that what we were doing was not what he needed...I just needed a doctor to support that theory.

Last night I called an advice nurse and then had a phone appointment with a pediatrician. She was great. She heard me out and agreed with me that we were on the wrong course. We had an appointment for today.

On the way to the doctor I recorded this. At this point it was 9:45 am and Leyton had been coughing like this for over an hour. None stop and sometimes much worse than what you are hearing. I wanted to be able to let the peditrician listen since most of the time he stops coughing when we get there. Thankfully, he didn't.

Leyton has asthma...and I've known this all along. He needs a trigger for it to start, but once it starts no over the counter meds are helping. We did a breathing treatment while at the doctor and he has not coughed once since then...it's now 3:22pm. It's the longest he hasn't coughed since LAST WEDNESDAY.

He will now be on three medications. Two all the time and one only as needed when he is having fits. If that doesn't keep it under control he will have breathing treatments at home (which he HATED). I'm pretty hopeful it won't get to that point. I'm also pretty happy we are finally at this point. It's been a long time of knowing there is something more going on and knowing we weren't treating it correctly.

Here's to a better finish to the week.

Scary......

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 18:33:00 +0000

Yesterday daycare was closed so I was trying to think of something to do with my little peanut. He's really into watching movies right now so I thought I would take him to a movie. I had heard a lot of reviews about Wreck it Ralph so I thought we would give it a try.

When we entered the theater he was interested. He sat on the seat eating his popcorn. The first preview came on for an animated Christmas movie. He sat on the seat eating his popcorn with his eyes wide with wonder.

The 2nd preview came on, he asked to sit in my lap.

The 3rd preview came on, he looked at me with fear in his eyes and said, "I don't want to see the movie."

Now, don't get me wrong, I knew this was possible going in. I was prepared for him to make it through a bit of the movie and then be over it. I was not prepared for him to ask to leave during the previews. I was also not prepared for the previews they showed.

Preview number two was this:

Preview number three was this:

I'm not an anal mom. I don't screen too much what my son watches, but at the same time I make an effort not to let him see things that might be scary. Wreck it Ralph is PG. It is animated. Granted it is by Disney and so are the previews but I don't think that gives the theaters (or whoever makes these decisions) the right to not only put 30 minutes worth of previews, but also previews that are for different ratings. Oz is NOT EVEN RATED YET. The Hobbit is PG 13. You put the ratings there to give parents a choice, but putting whatever preview you want is not a choice. That witch hand at the end of Oz is enough to scare me and I LOVE SCARY. I am the Queen of Scary!!

It's going to be a while till we try to go to the movies again and I think we'll go when the previews are over.

Before and After

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 18:14:00 +0000

When I've done weight loss journeys in the past I have not done much before and after stuff. I've posted pictures of my face...I've sometimes taken measurements but that is about it. This time I wanted to do a picture. I took a couple before pictures, but I'm saving the most dramatic before for the very end.

When I weighed myself on Sunday I was so happy to see I was down another 3.4 pounds. That gives me 26.4 pounds and I feel so great. Clothes are fitting better, I'm starting to go down in sizes. This takes me forever. Some might lose 5 pounds and be in a new size. I typically have to lose between 20-25 pounds to drop my first size.

I decided to go ahead and take a profile shot. I feel the greatest difference right now in my profile. I posted this picture on Instagram yesterday but didn't include the before which I think is important.

Here is what 26.4 pounds looks like

I'm pretty proud of that.

GETty Crafty Holiday Bazaar

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 23:10:00 +0000

After much waiting, much planning, much figuring out...it is less than two weeks away! The GETty Crafty Holiday Bazaar! When we did our last show we realized that we wanted to move our event to the holidays. There is just something so magical about that time of year and we wanted to help support shopping local and spread awareness!

Months of planning and here we are, a week and a half off from the event! If you are in the Sacramento area please help us spread the word and come out and say hello! We have a ton of exciting announcements to make next week with regards to vendors and what you will find at the event so stay tuned.

For now...mark your calendar!

Saturday, November 17th

10am to 5pm

Tsakapoulos Library Galleria 828 I Street, Sacramento, CA

$5 at door, 5 and under free

Cooking

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 19:01:00 +0000

I love to cook. When I was eating bad though, I started to love eating out. That food just tasted so much better. When I would cook, I would not cook healthy at all. I would try to recreate what I was eating other places.

Since starting down this new path I have gotten excited about cooking again. I'm trying new things all the time. Trying new vegetables, new grains, new proteins. Stuff I have never cooked before. It's tricky though because my son and my husband aren't quite on the same eating path that I am. I give big kuddos to the hubby though because he is a very easy going eater and will pretty much eat anything I make. Except maybe eggplant...he HATES eggplant.

Most nights we eat similar but he has some sort of meat with his. At home I have still been sticking to a more vegan based menu, although I must say I love the term "plant strong" so much more. This past weekend the hubs went to the Farmer's Market with me for the first time. He actually loved it and was impressed by everything they had to offer. I was super happy to find a squash that I had at a restaurant recently called Kuri Squash. I couldn't wait to have it. I originally was going to just go home and roast it...how I had it in the restaurant. Then I realized I should try to do something different, something that maybe the hubs would eat as well. I started searching recipes and found a curry recipe. How perfect, Red Kuri Squash turned into a curry dish!

It was delicious! I never would have picked up this squash before and now I can't wait to go back to the market this weekend to get another one. It really feels good to be eating this good and I'm excited with each recipe that I find.

Burger

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 20:39:00 +0000

This past week went well. I made it through Halloween eating only one piece of candy. I made it through a work function with a glass of wine and some cheese. Boy did that cheese taste like heaven. I got all my work outs in.

Sunday I was down another 1.9 pounds for a total of 23. That feels excellent just knowing I'm not carrying that burden around anymore.

Sunday I also went out to dinner. I went somewhere that there aren't really that healthy of options. I decided that I wanted to have a burger. It was the one thing that sounded good. I had veggies at breakfast and lunch so I was happy with my intake and wasn't going to beat myself up for having a burger.

Not only did I have a burger, I had fries too. Afterwards I felt TERRIBLE. I was way too full. I even remember the point when I felt full and still kept eating. I sat after dinner reflecting on my meal. I realized that while I am very happy with my self control I am still going to have instances where I fall of the wagon, where I overindulge. I wasn't mad at myself for what I had. I didn't beat myself up. Instead I remembered that the next minute was a new minute. A new minute to do it better. Not tomorrow. Even though it was dinner and I didn't plan on having anything else that evening the last thing I was going to tell myself was "there is always tomorrow."

I've lived a million "always tomorrows" and I have realized that tomorrow is just too long to make it right again. Making it right has to happen now. This minute, this second.

My goal this week is to lose a pound and a half. If I do that I drop into the 220 range. Yep, I was over 250lbs again my friends. All because I was always living for tomorrow.

Here's to living for now!

I don't understand.

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 22:18:00 +0000

I'm sure I've talked about it before on here, but I really dislike the news. I hate the way they blow things out of proportion. I hate the way they over-dramatize. I guess that is what they are supposed to do, but it is something I will never like and never understand. I just want them to give me the news, plain and simple.

So, when all of the information started coming in about Sandy I admit...I figured it was just another thing that was being blown out of proportion. Then the evacuation notices started to come out. Not from the news, but from officials. Officials telling people to get out that this could get bad. Now, don't get me wrong, I get that some people just have no means to leave. It's no so much them. I get frustrated by those that just want to say, "Well, it's always been fine before so I'm going to ride it out."

Really? Well, good luck to you. Thing is...don't come looking for sympathy when shit hits the fan. When things don't go quite as well as before.

It's worse though. I get absolutely furious by those that take it a step further. They bust out their surfboards, or as one person apparently did last night, they go swimming. I do not understand those people. I don't know if they have a death wish. I don't know if they are just too arrogant and showing off. I don't know and I quite honestly don't care. If someone is telling you to GET OUT and you are a fool and go play in the mess then that's on you.

Here's the deal, this could be way off track but I feel as if I relate in some way to how things can change on you in an instant. In October of 2007 I got married and went on my honeymoon in Mexico. We arrived, got checked into our hotel and headed to the beach to grab a drink and walk in the surf. It was gorgeous out as you can see from this picture.

What you don't see in this picture are waves. The ocean looks beautiful. It would only take minutes for that to change. Within 15 minutes I found myself pulled out into the ocean after being tackled by a wave. I knew something was very wrong with my knee and I could not tell my up from down. To be honest, I thought I was going to drown.

Thankfully I got out. Sadly I spent the next 6 months going through physical therapy, blood clot treatment, doctor's visits, surgeries and more physical therapy. The first day I walked again I cried. At that point I really didn't think I would walk again. It took two years to have a knee that operated at about 80%. Now, I'm happy to say that I can crawl on my knees with my son. It's not completely normal but no one would ever know the way it once was.

See, there was a hurricane off shore that brought in sudden powerful waves. Had someone TOLD ME this I would have stayed far far away. No one did. A flag went up and a bell rang. I had no idea what the flag meant and I thought the bell was the end of Happy Hour. I wish I had the chance to make the decision of whether or not I wanted to brave the storm and I'm 100% certain that my decision would have been to listen to the warnings. More people should listen.

I wish the best for all of those on the East Coast that are suffering from this storm. Mother Nature is a bitch sometimes.

I've been here before....

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 20:01:00 +0000

Yesterday I got really excited when I stepped on the scale and saw that I have lost 21.1 pounds. It was so nice to feel this good, be eating this well and still be losing weight. I immediately posted on Facebook and the outpouring was amazing. Over 60 people "liked" my status and left comments. It is likely the most attention anything I've ever posted on Facebook has received aside from the birth of my child. It felt so good to have that support and love from friends, family and some that hardly know me.

Then the guilt set in.

You see, I've been here before. A million times really. I've lost and gained this same 21 pounds so many times that all in all I've probably lost over 200 pounds. 200 of the very same 21 pounds. My weight loss has been like the movie Groundhog Day. I get to a certain point and then start back right where I came from.

I wanted to tell all of these people on Facebook that I was sorry. I felt like I was scamming them. Then I realized, I need them. Why? Well, because that's 60 plus more people to hold me accountable. 60 plus more people that are rooting for me. 60 plus more people that I don't want to let down. I don't want to hide again when weight comes back on and they all wonder what happened. I want this to be the LAST TIME for myself and I want this to be the LAST TIME for them.

So thank you for your support. Thank you for liking my status and leaving comments on my blog. It feels good and motivates me because this time around I don't want to let anyone down....and I may need to hold your hand some along the way.

Paying Attention

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 19:40:00 +0000

It's amazing how much I have been paying attention. I pay attention to labels. I pay attention to what other people are eating. I pay attention to what I am eating. It is so eye opening to just sit back and watch. It is so eye opening to realize how LITTLE I paid attention before. How little most people do pay attention.

Today I will give just a tiny example of this. This morning was tough. It was tough getting myself and my little dude out the door. I managed to juice for breakfast, but didn't put together my lunch. I had to run an errand this morning to get part of my son's Halloween costume so I went to Walmart. While there it was amazing to see what people were buying. I don't want anyone thinking that I am criticizing these people, or shaking me finger at them. I was them, I am them. I could just as easily be walking through that check out with a couple candy bars, chips and soda. It would be so easy. I didn't though. I bought the costume items I went in for and went to work.

At around 11am I realized that I was going to have to get lunch somewhere...and this was going to be tough. Then I remembered that no too far from me there is a vegan/raw restaurant that I had been wanting to try before I even went down this road. So I headed there...only to find out they are closed on Fridays. At that point I was starting to crack. I was starting to think of all the other options, the options I would have typically gotten. Burritos, chips, fries, burgers, salami sandwich, etc. etc. I finally decided my safest bet was going to be a sandwich, but I didn't want Subway. So I went to a small business and opted for their veggie sandwich with hummus. I omitted the cheese and the mushrooms (which I will NEVER like.) I was so happy looking at the menu knowing that the sandwich was only 300 calories! Not bad for a lunch. I felt so happy that restaurants are now posting calories on the menu boards.

I got back to my office and couldn't wait to eat my sandwich. It was toasted and smelled just like pizza. I opened it up and thought MAN...that is a BIG sandwich for 300 calories! I ate half and felt full, but it was just sooo good. I wanted to eat that other half. I sat for a moment longer, I drank some water. I thought again...MAN...that is a BIG sandwich for 300 calories. It was then that I paid attention. I paid attention to the fact that I was full. I paid attention to the fact that something didn't add up. I went to the companies website. I found the nutritionals. You see, that sandwich is 2 servings. That sandwich is 600 calories. No where on the menu board did it indicate that. If I hadn't paid attention to myself, and only listened to that one voice telling me it was delicious, I would be sitting her too full and realizing that there is no way it was 300 calories.

It's nice to be paying attention.

What a difference......

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Wed, 24 Oct 2012 17:16:00 +0000

It's amazing what a difference a week can make. Last week, when I first started putting other foods in my mouth I was quite literally scared. It was eye opening to admit that and to really understand that. Yes "Anonymous Commenter" I am and adult and I am SCARED of food.

Knowing that I was going to eat food, I really wanted to establish some guidelines for what I was eating. Some rules for myself. Here are the things I decided:

1. Drink water. On that note, since I started the cleanse I drink anywhere from 100-150 ounces of water a day. If I don't, I notice.

2. Juice or Smoothie for breakfast. I switch this up. In fact one day last week I actually went out to breakfast so I juiced for lunch instead.

3. Lunch time try to have as much raw food as possible.

4. Dinner meals focus on plant strong.

5. Calorie count. I know you can go overboard even on healthier foods so I want to watch and keep track of what I am eating. This also means I am keeping a food journal which NEVER hurts.

So, once I had those rules I continued on my education path. I started watching more documentaries and taking bits and pieces away from each. I started looking at plant strong diets and printing out recipes to make at home. Now, does that mean I'm not eating meat anymore? No, I still will. It's just in moderation and not the main focus of my diet. However, I have not had any dairy. I think I have always been sensitive to dairy so I'm going to do my best to stay away. The only hard part will be cheese, I love cheese. I also have been paying close attention to sugar. What I am realizing is...it's in EVERYTHING! Even things you think wouldn't have sugar or need sugar still have it. I am slowly transitioning our household to a "low sugar" household and avoiding it wherever I can.

This education has helped ten fold. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt this educated on an diet I've tried. I'm really also trying not to think of this as a diet. I really just keep thinking about it as a new way of living. A way where I feel great. Here are some interesting things that I have realized. First, I have not taken ANY sort of pain medicine since I started this. I used to take Aleve almost daily. It was either for a headache or a pain somewhere (back, knee, etc). I haven't take it, nor have I needed it.

Here's the other thing. I have always felt that the Weight Watchers program was one of the best. I still do believe it can be extremely helpful, but even they are missing some of the education pieces. They don't really teach you how to eat. They teach you how to eat what you want in moderation and I have learned that method does not work for everyone. Why? Because what I want is not good for me. To have what I want means that I actually get to eat very little food throughout the day...and in the end while I might lose weight I will always feel hungry and still feel like shit. You also are never really being taught to listen to your body. To know when you are feeling hungry and then eat. You are given a points guide and that's what you are supposed to stick to.

Let me give you an example. At my size I would likely have 30'ish points a day. The other this is exactly what I ate all day:

Morning: Juice of two apples, 4 celery, large bunch of Kale, ginger and cucumber.

Lunch: Two slices of Ezekiel bread with a half an avocado spread on, a sliced tomato and arugula.

Snack: Large bag of baby carrots

Dinner: Quinoa and butternut squash burrito with roasted vegetables.

That was just shy of 1500 calories. It was filling, it was nourishing, it was plant strong and it was healthy. I was not starving at any point. I was eating when I was hungry and getting the calories in. Now, if I had that exact meal plan on Weight Watchers I would have only eaten 12 points. So by their standards I would have to fit in another 20+ points throughout my day. The thing is, they aren't counting on people eating like that. They are counting on people eating processed and the standard American diet where each food carries a high point value...but does it ever really fill you up?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm only one week in of eating this way. I'm not expert and I'm definitely not a success story. I'm a work in progress who is just figuring this out as I go. Each person needs to do their own thing. Each person needs to figure out what works for them. What I know is I am paying no one for this. There is no one making money off of me. Which kind of makes me wonder, do those companies that make money off of us losing weight really have our best interest at heart? If they did, wouldn't we all lose the weight and keep it off and then what...they would end up broke. We'll all be success stories. I just find it all interesting to think about.

So, I'm just going to keep plugging away and see where this all takes me. I lost another 2.2lbs this week...right on track so I must be doing something right?

I'm terrified.......

noreply@blogger.com (Stacey B) — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 18:56:00 +0000

I've had some serious mixed emotions the past couple days and couldn't quite put my finger on it. Today I sat down and wrote to a friend who reached out to me last week during the cleanse. Writing her I really nailed down what is going on. The truth is I'm absolutely TERRIFIED. I'm going to paste some of my email to her so I'm not writing this all over again...

"Thank you for your kind comments. I'm not sure why I am able to just lay it all out there like that. Sometimes I even think to myself "What the fuck am I doing?" Then I realize that I get no where hiding it so I might as well just let it all hang out. I mean people know I'm fat. People have seen me put on a ton of weight so they know I'm not at home eating carrot sticks and cucumbers.
It is so so very hard being a yo yo'er. It's sometimes harder being this honest because I feel like the boy who cried wolf. How many times can I think this time is going to be different and get others to believe me and support me instead of just the old "oh great, here she goes again." I just want it to stick. Will this be the time? I have no idea. I can only hope so and do my best.
Originally I was determined to do this for two weeks and then just cut back. Calorie count and moderate but not make very many changes. I finished the two weeks and thought...two more!!
Now, just a couple days in I realize I'm not saying two more because I really need two more. I'm saying two more because I'm scared. I'm scared to death to eat. I'm scared to get out of control. Two more weeks is not going to help that at all. I do know that I have decided to cut back on the meat and dairy. I'll still have it, but if the choice is there to not I'll try to pick that when I can. So, right now I'm just going to start eating food more. I will still make a smoothie or juice for breakfast and always have raw veggies at work. Today though I am having someone get me a sandwich. It's so funny how scary that is. I went totally veggie, but having those two pieces of bread feels like a sin.....and I don't want it to. I just want to be normal :o) Isn't it crazy how terrifying it can be? We just beat ourselves up over and over again because we don't want to be seen as a failure AGAIN. It's likely though that we are the only ones that see ourselves that way."

So there you have it. I'm absolutely scared to death to eat. I don't want to cleanse another two weeks because of how good I feel. I truly believe it is possible to feel this good AND eat. I just have to figure out how to do that. Really, if I'm being honest I probably don't even have to figure out HOW to do it...I know how to. I just need to do it. I want to take care of myself. I don't want to climb all the way up this ladder to slide down. I'm tired of playing Chutes and Ladders. In my mind I see all the people standing on the sides of the ladder cheering me onto the top. The problem is in my mind I see them disappointed and laughing as I go flailing back down the slide. The thing is...those aren't real people. It's me. It's me cheering myself on and then it's me laughing at myself and pointing saying "failure" as I slide back down. We can really be our own worst enemy sometimes.