Pilrig 74

Slow

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 14:48:00 +0000

Two days off from running - visiting a client (Tuesday), an 18th birthday party (Wednesday) - and I'm in pieces, scarcely able to manage 5 miles as if I'd never done any exercise in my life before.

Regular readers may recall my being overtaken by a man pushing his son & grocery shopping in a pushchair during the Prague half marathon 11 months ago. That was nothing to today's humiliation of being overtaken by a funeral cortege on its way to the local cemetery.

How slow am I?

Format

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:48:00 +0000

A new Pet Shop Boys album was released last week: it will be the first in their 30 year history that I've not bought. Not that I've not listened to it, far from it as I've had it on repeat play via Spotify since last Monday.

Cutting my musical teeth on vinyl and now with a house stuffed full of CDs I've been slow to embrace listening to music via streaming. But in the last couple of weeks (and largely due to the acquisition of an iPhone) I've suddenly got it and my desire to actually own music as a tangible product has disappeared. Why bother when for £8.99 a month you can listen to anything from a library of 15 million songs?

It seems fitting then that Format is a collection of Pet Shop Boys B-sides, a phrase rendered defunct by the emergence of digital music. Pet Shop Boys were always generous with the music that they released on the B-sides of vinyl singles or as bonus tracks on CD singles and this collection rounds everything from 1996 to 2009.

There are a couple of songs - The Truck Driver & His Mate and Disco Potential - which could easily have been A-sides and the standard throughout the 38 tracks would make many other bands blush. My favourite is I Didn't Get Where I Am Today which steals the riff from The Fire's 'Father's Name is Dad' (see here for a previous spotting) and I'm fascinated to know if it has just been lifted from the original or re-recorded. Mmmm ... one thing Spotify doesn't provide is sleeve notes.

As Pet Shop Boys themselves once sang 'It's all about change, It's a metamorphosis.'

View

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 10:15:00 +0000

Could be warmer today but the view more than compensates.

Lemon

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:22:00 +0000

We've managed to grow a lemon.

Making water into ice wasn't as difficult as the textbooks made out and now all that remains is to find some juniper berries.

Training

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 13:38:00 +0000

Work it harder
Make it better
Do it faster
Makes us stronger

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
Daft Punk (2001)

Had anyone told me ten years ago (or even 10 weeks ago) that I would be spending weekend afternoons running in sub-zero temperatures through mud, ice and snow I would have questioned their sanity. But times change and that is what I have been doing for the last month. Perhaps now it is my sanity that should be questioned.

Against my better judgement I have entered the Carnethy 5 Hill Race which takes place next Saturday. I hadn't really taken in all the details prior to registering so it was only afterwards that it sunk in that although the race is only six miles it takes in five of the Pentland Hills covering a total 2,500 feet climb. I keep saying 'race' but I certainly won't be challenging for any honours and will just be glad to get round in one piece.

So, I've been 'in training'. Despite the ludicrous conditions - yesterday most of the paths (never that good at the best of times) had turned to sheet ice and I was literally blown off my feet on the lower slopes of Green Knowe - I'm really enjoying it. I suppose it's a sense of achievement, a battle against the elements, a feeling of exhilaration and, no doubt about it, I've never felt fitter. It's also a good excuse to eat loads.

Homebase

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:45:00 +0000

Browsing the bathroom section of Homebase today I was a little surprised to see this item for sale. I have a limited knowledge of these things but my understanding was that they could only be sold in specialised shops open only to those over the age of 18.

I've never heard them referred to as 'drip guards' either.

Since I was looking for a plug I became a bit worried what I might find and, in the long established tradition of tabloid reporting, 'I made my excuses and left'.

Ironic

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 14:28:00 +0000

Is this meant to be ironic?

You would think after all the carry on over phone hacking, recent out of court settlements (at a cost of £1 million), last week's police raid on News International's HQ in Wapping and the arrest of five current & ex-Sun employees in connection with illegal payments to the police, the paper would think twice about publishing such guff.

MSP David McLetchie's comment that Tommy Sheridan's early release from prison "makes a mockery of our justice system" is laughable: it makes no more nor less a mockery of our justice system than wasting 52,000 police man hours investigating Sheridan prior to his trial for perjury. The establishment will rue the day that decision was made.

Deadline

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 19:49:00 +0000

7pm on 30th January i.e. the day before tax returns are to be submitted, I receive a phonecall from a client.

Client:
I was just phoning to check that our tax returns had been done.

What I wanted to say:
The last time we communicated you said that you weren't sure that you wanted to use my services any more. That was after I had the audacity to ask for my invoice to be paid some two months after I did the work. You claimed to have cash flow issues but somehow managed to find sufficient funds for a diving holiday in Egypt.

What I actually said:
Let me check ... yes, both returns were submitted last August.

What he said:
Oh, thanks. Can you send me copies of our files so that we can do them ourselves next year?

VHS

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 17:57:00 +0000

I bid a sad farewell today to a dozen or so VHS videocassettes. Having not owned a video player for about a decade it seemed pointless keeping them just so they could occasionally be dusted.

However I couldn't quite bring myself to part with this gem: film of cricketers Ian 'Beefy' Botham and Allan Lamb's 1995 after dinner speech tour. Forget Botham's performance against the Australians at Headingly in 1981, this was his finest moment. The show was incredibly popular: apparently it played to 80,000 fans. As the sleeve notes helpfully point out these fans consisted of 'men, women and children.'

To be honest I can't recall ever watching the whole thing and it only cost me 50p off eBay. But the name of the tour - 'Beef & Lamb in a Stew' - just makes me smile. You've got to think that was the result of a night on the lash: 'Oi Beefy, I've got a great idea for the name of the show ...'

The Infamous Brothers Davenport

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 09:34:00 +0000

Ouija board
Would you work for me?
I have got to say Hello
To an old friend

Ouija Board, Ouija Board, Morrissey (1989)

January at the Lyceum Theatre; it must be an Arthur Miller play. But this year it's not, instead a welcome return by inventive touring company Vox Motus last seen in Edinburgh at the Traverse during the 2010 festival with The Not-So-Fatal Death of Grandpa Fredo.

Like Grandpa Fredo, the Infamous Brothers Davenport is based on a true story. Willy and Ira Davenport from Buffalo, USA were magicians who presented their tricks as being the work of the supernatural. In 1862 they travelled to England where the Spiritualism movement was taking off and this is where the play picks up.

The play has earned rave reviews - 'the show dazzles and delights', 'thrilling yet thoughtful' - and there are some spectacular set pieces. Solid performances too from the five-strong cast and great to see Ryan Fletcher back on stage at the Lyceum after his Confessions of a Justified Sinner a few years back.

And yet, after a great first half, the pace dropped after the interval and I'm sure I wasn't the only member of the audience who was left at the end thinking 'is that it?'. It's still worth going to see, just don't be too disappointed when all the loose ends aren't tied up. And if anyone works out how they get the table to float during the séance please get in touch.

The Infamous Davenport Brothers, Royal Lyceum Theatre, until 11th February then touring

Masterpiece

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 19:42:00 +0000

Conservative politician Rupert Matthews has been in the news recently. Under European parliamentary rules he should be taking over as MEP for the East Midlands following the resignation of current incumbent Roger Helmer, this because Matthews was third on the Conservative list at the last European election. However, some senior Conservatives, including party chairman Baroness Warsi, are trying to block his succession.

Matthews is part of the faculty of the International Metaphysical University Graduate College where he teaches a course entitled ‘Understanding our Paranormal Universe'. He also owns a publishing company Bretwalda Books and many of its titles are penned by him e.g. 'Alien Encounters: True-Life Encounters with Aliens and Other Extra-Terrestrial Phenomenon'. Granted it is unfortunate that Bretwalda also published 'Britain - A Post Political Correctness Society' featuring two golliwogs on the cover but, hey, that's post political correctness for you.

It would seem that the Conservative Party's main objection to Matthews is simply that he is bonkers, a character trait that has never previously been a barrier to political success.

More concerning is fellow Bretwalda author Richard Brotherton who has recently published 'In Praise of Women'. The book is 'a dynamic account of one photographer’s quest to create an artistic masterpiece celebrating the beauty of the female form.' Not sounding in the least like a complete sex case Brotherton (age 65) explains 'It was something I needed to do.' Judging from the cover it's something he needs to do a bit better if he is going to create that artistic masterpiece. Removing all inflatable dinghies from location of the shoot might help.

Mrs Brotherton must be delighted with the way that her husband is spending his retirement.

Court III

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 19:34:00 +0000

Is anyone out there still interested?

My attempt at representing a client in a court of law has had an unexpected and last minute happy ending. Despite my receiving an extremely threatening letter & a couple of intimidating phonecalls from their lawyer, the other side has backed down and Thursday's 'proof diet' cancelled.

Just as well as I had omitted to hire a wig for the occasion.

At Last

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:09:00 +0000

This is fifth part of a pentalogy (I knew that higher in Ancient Greek would come in useful some day) by Edward St Aubyn. I didn't realise that until I had finished the book.

No matter, as prior knowledge of the Melrose family is not required to enjoy this short novel which takes place at the funeral and wake of Eleanor Melrose. St Aubyn's writing is reminiscent of Evelyn Waugh and it takes a few chapters to get used to elaborate style. Black humour permeates the pages:

'I think I'll get cremated here myself.'
'No need to rush'
'I was going to wait until I died.'
'Good thinking.'

As literary descriptions of funerals and wakes go it's up there with the best. That prize goes to Robertson Davies in his A Mixture of Frailties: 'if it had not been a funeral tea the party would have been called a rousing success'.

Burns

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 10:14:00 +0000

In a story straight out of the 'you couldn't make it up' box, it was reported earlier this week that the Robert Burns Birthplace Museum in Ayr is to be presented with a CD of songs based on the poetry of Burns and recorded by the late Michael Jackson.

It seems that Jackson recorded the songs in the late 1980s with - and this is the least surprising bit - ex Mr Liza Minnelli, David Gest. The pair's intention was to stage a musical produced by actor Anthony Perkins and directed by Gene Kelly. (History does not relate if either of these two agreed to participate or were even asked.) No part for Bubbles the monkey who would have made an excellent Tam O'Shanter.

I'd like to hear Jacko's take on the Epistle To The Rev. John M'math:

God knows, I'm no the thing I should be
Nor am I even the thing I could be
Keep on wi' the force, don't stop
Don't stop 'til ye've had your fill

Technology

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 10:13:00 +0000

It would be unreasonable to describe me as a technological luddite (although I have been called worse things). I do after all have half a degree in computer science although when I think back I'm not entirely sure how I managed to pass the exams. I started that course at Heriot-Watt University knowing nothing about computer science and finished knowing even less.

I also spent one Christmas in the early 1980s selling Sinclair ZX Spectrum 'personal computers' at WH Smith in Princes Street. My status as a computer science undergraduate was key in my securing this position but even that handicap didn't prevent me from very quickly realising that these computers were crap. Fine for playing a rudimentary (and very slow) version of Space Invaders, not so good for anything remotely useful.

Working for myself these last 15 years I've kind of muddled along on the IT front but only recently have I come to realise how relatively simple it is to link computers together, access email remotely, share files, etc. The final piece in this jigsaw was the delivery yesterday of an iPhone. While I don't worship at the temple of the late Steve Jobs, Apple have made it very easy for anyone to use their technology.

I have said before that it takes longer to take an Apple product out of its box than it does to start using it. In the case of the iPhone this wasn't quite true as it took me a couple of hours to work out that the reason I couldn't hear any voice calls was because I hadn't removed the protective film from the handset. I must have been off the day we did that at university.

The best thing about the iPhone? Sadly, so far my favourite thing is the Guardian newspaper app. Who would have thought that reading a newspaper on a screen that measures 50cm x 70cm would be worth the bother. But it's really easy to read & navigate. And no adverts. The image accompanying the review of David Hockney's new show was so clear it was almost as if Hockney had created it on an iPhone ...

Can't see me ever buying a newspaper again.

Dexys

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 20:36:00 +0000

In 526 blog posts I've only mentioned utterly wonderful ^© Dexys Midnight Runners on eight occasions. Without exercising considerable self-restraint I would have written about them 526 times.

Despite that I had forgotten that a new Dexys album has been recorded and is due to be released this year. The publication today of this photograph of the band was like a belated Christmas present (actually, my only Christmas present). As always, Kevin Rowland looks magnificent and I can't think of anyone else who could pull off the French beret / Little Red Riding Hood / golf shoes combo as he does. Ex Style Councillor Mick Talbot standing at the left of the photo looks pretty sharp too.

I'm intrigued to know who the ladies are though and what part they play in Rowland's new soul vision; they look like they've just walked off the set of Miss Marple.

All in all, quite exciting.

RE: Resolutions

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 17:41:00 +0000

15 days into 2012 and it's time to take stock of my resolutions.

1. Be a nicer person. Not for me too judge but in a fortnight I've managed not to offend anyone which on December's form is quite an achievement.

2. But not too nice. In the last week one client described me as a 'hard bastard' and another commented that I 'didn't give a shit'. I take both as compliments and a testament to my working methodology.

3. Eat five pieces of fruit a day. I have eaten a fair amount of bananas and satsumas supplemented by apple juice and vitamin C tablets. But five a day is surely an unachievable ambition and, frankly, is behaviour verging on perversion. As an aside I have only had three drinks: a pint of bitter, a G&T and a glass of port. I expect the fruit to booze ratio will decrease as the year progresses.

4. Have mid-life crisis. Good progress on this one. Quite how it will manifest itself I do not know but I have penciled in 12th March for a complete meltdown.

5. Rebuild society based on fairness and equal opportunity. Still some work to do here but Rome wasn't built in a day.

Currently Listening To ...

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 13:43:00 +0000

No idea who these people are - Blue Beard, 9.30 Fly, Polly Niles and the hilariously named Knocker Jungle anyone? Who cares: I'll take progressive / psychedelic folk music over Olly Murs any day.

(It's surely only a matter of time before I start listening to Pentangle.)

Fire

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 12:29:00 +0000

I'm up for most things in life and I'll try anything once. However, I do prefer to have some notice or just know what it is that I am about to experience. I wouldn't like, for example, to be sitting comfortably on an aeroplane and be told that in fact it was my first parachute lesson. Although I suppose if if we were about to crash it wouldn't be the time to discuss protocol. Anyway, you get my drift.

The last place I'd expect to have a new 'life experience' is the barbers. All was going smoothly, indeed better than smoothly since the coiffeur had not enquired if I was on a day off or where I was going on my holidays. Then, after the actual hair cutting bit, he took what looked like a sparkler, dipped it in some purple liquid, set fire to it and then proceeded to engulf the lobes of my ears with the flame.

It was all over so quickly that even now, 30 minutes later, I'm beginning to wonder if I dreamed it. But like Archbishop Brennan in Father Ted suddenly remembering that 'Crilly did kick me up the arse', it did happen and the barber did set fire to my ears.

Extraordinary; no doubt the incident is on YouTube already.

The Iron Lady

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 17:45:00 +0000

Asked how he felt about the film The Iron Lady on Friday's Today programme, prime minister David Cameron replied 'You can't help wondering, why do we have to have this film now?' I sort of know what he means. While it is no longer unusual to have a biographical film about the past life of someone who is still alive, The Iron Lady must be unique in portraying the lead character as she is today, apparently suffering from dementia.

The film is more to do with Margaret Thatcher coming to terms with the death of her husband Dennis than her political career, which is shown as a series of flashbacks. Meryl Streep has been rightly praised in her role as Thatcher both as she is now and when she was PM but, for my money, she is trumped by Alexandra Roach who plays the young Margaret. Other plaudits go to Jim Broadbent (Dennis Thatcher) and Richard E. Grant who convincingly plays Richard E. Grant although in the film's credits I see that he was meant to be Michael Heseltine.

Despite the film being scripted by the usually reliable Abi Morgan, anyone hoping for any new insight into Thatcher's 11 year reign as prime minister is going to be disappointed. The two most memorable scenes were ones that I had seen many times before: newsreel of the clash between striking miners & police at Orgreave in 1984 and the poll tax riots in central London six years later. Frightening stuff.

And if David Cameron takes anything out of the film it should be those events and not how Thatcher was 'a wonderful prime minister' (his words, not mine). The similarities between the UK in 2012 and thirty years ago are uncanny: unemployment, public spending cuts, government in thrall to the finance sector. More of that and last summer's riots will seem like a picnic compared to what's likely to happen this year.

Synchronised

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:29:00 +0000

Is it too early to nominate the most boring news story of 2012?

Olympic Games organiser LOCOG have sold 10,000 too many tickets for this summer's synchronised swimming event and the people who bought the tickets are being offered alternatives. That's it, that's the story. They made a mistake, apologised and corrected it; there's hardly a week goes by when I don't do that and I never make the headlines.

On BBC Radio 4's PM programme there was an interview with an exceptionally dull man who was disappointed at having to return his synchronised swimming tickets. He had chosen the event because he wanted to 'know how they mark the sport' (which he couldn't possibly have done by, say, looking on the internet) and it was 'lifetime chance to share the Olympic experience'. Nothing to do with watching teams of Lycra-clad ladies splashing about in the pool then.

As an alternative he was offered tickets for athletics, swimming (i.e. proper swimming) or diving. He chose the latter. Nothing to do with etc. etc.

Asked by presenter Eddie Mair if he 'smelled a rat' at LOCOG, the exceptionally dull man replied: 'No, not a rat, but I smell a flipping hell, how are we going to fix this and sort it out'. A man with an unusual if not unique sense of smell.

Searle

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:36:00 +0000

I was saddened to hear of the death of artist Ronald Searle who passed away on Friday aged 91.

Best known for the creation of fictional girls' school St Trinian's, I will always remember Searle for his illustrations of Down with Skool!, How to be Topp and Back in the Jug Agane. These books - written by Geoffrey Willans - told of the exploits of Nigel Molesworth and other pupils of that bastion of English education, St Custard's school.

Even today I find these books laugh out loud funny, for example Molesworth's Football World XI:

Goliath.
Romulus. Remus.
Skool dog. self. Richard I.
Julius Caesar. Cain. Jack the Ripper. Livy. Esau.

As the grate man himself (ie Molesworth) sa: i think a few of those would hold their own in any company and there mite even be a revolution in foopball methods. (Note old skool 'pyramid' formation.)

Funnily enough, while Christmas shopping at the wonderful Edinburgh Bookshop I came across a lovely book by Searle called Les Très Riches Heures de Mrs Mole. This was a collection of drawings that he had made for his wife, Monica, each time she underwent chemotherapy. Monica died last July and it is to be hoped that Mr & Mrs Mole are now together again.

Resolutions

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:15:00 +0000

For the last two years my sole New Year's resolution has been to write a musical based on the songs of early 70s pop group Pilot. This has been harder than I imagined and I must now concede that I am unlikely ever to win a Grammy Award.

For 2012 I am going for the following:

1. Be a nicer person.
2. But not too nice.
3. Eat five pieces of fruit a day.
4. Have mid-life crisis.
5. Rebuild society based on fairness and equal opportunity.

No. 3 will have to be postponed until Monday due to insufficient quantity of fruit in the house but I should be able to make a start on the others immediately. I'll keep you posted.

Fatigue

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 20:37:00 +0000

In the current edition of Private Eye there are a couple of letters concerning the medical condition myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME) otherwise known as chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). Although there has been research into ME / CFS since the late 1980s, it would seem that little is known about the disorder and a difficulty for sufferers is that many GPs still do not take the condition seriously.

The author of one of the letters was advised by his GP to 'join a tennis club and have lots of sex'. Thankfully my visits to the local medical centre are few and far between but if this is the sort of treatment that doctors are now dishing out then I'm tempted to go at the first spurious excuse that arises. Indeed, now that I think about it, that nagging cough from a few weeks back never really did go away. (And I've already got a tennis racket.)

That being said it's hard to understand how someone suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome - the clue being in the name - is going to be cured by a prescription of tennis and sex. It might take their mind off it for a while but they'll be cream crackered the next morning.

Walk Out to Winter

noreply@blogger.com (Metal Mickey) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 11:44:00 +0000

Not a Christmas song, I grant you but it's got 'winter' in the title.

Several time this week I've said or thought 'I'm showing my age' and this fair takes me back, so much so that I daren't even Google the year of release. That would probably push me into a festive-induced depression from which there would be no easy escape.

'Chance is buried just below the blinding snow'. What that means I don't know but it sounds beautiful and if I have one weakness .....

To anyone who is reading this: thank you, have a wonderful Christmas and enjoy the love of those that you love.

(#) If you're reading this via email subscription you won't see the video unless you click here.