You might have seen me sashaying around the pk site, rockin’ my pk tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce.  Well, I’ve decided to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related.  Settle in, dolls.  I’ll tell it to you straight.

Q:

Okay, so my husband and I split up about a year ago. It broke my heart but honestly, I just couldn’t live with the relationship anymore. It was destroying me, so I left. I’ve had some relationships, flings etc since then…but now I am at the point where I have no interest in men at all.

Its like switch in my brain has gone “ping” and I just don’t want any man in my life. I find men slightly repulsive. The scariest part is that I just don’t think I believe in love anymore, well not the romantic kind. I have just seen too much and experienced too much to believe in it. I don’t want to become a bitter old hag, I just want to work on myself and enjoy my new life. Is this normal? Will it last for a long time? Should I just join a nunnery or become a lesbian?

Thanks!

Sara

A:

This is just a guess, but I’m pretty sure life in a convent isn’t for you, babe… nor is switching sexual orientation.  It’s absolutely normal to naturally shift your focus away from men for a little while if you’ve been through a truly negative experience.  In fact, it’s healthy.  Far too many people run straight from one relationship right into another without giving themselves time to take a breath in between, and when we do that, we’re cheating ourselves out of valuable time that could be used for some major self-discovery.

The more you know yourself, and the happier you allow yourself to be in life in general, the richer your relationships will be with your friends, family, coworkers and any romantic relationships you get into in the future.  It’s the honest to god truth.

Now, you mentioned that you’re starting to find men “slightly repulsive.”  That’s a red flag, and you’re wise to realize it.  If you’re simply not finding yourself being attracted to anyone lately, that’s perfectly okay.  Just make sure you’re not shunning an entire gender based on one bad experience (or even several bad experiences).  You say you want to work on yourself and enjoy your new life.  That’s awesome.  Do exactly that, and give yourself ample time to look at the unhealthy patterns in your past relationship(s) so you can spot them early and keep them from becoming a neverending cycle.

As for love: it does exist, and you do deserve to enjoy every delectable moment of it.  And you’re onto something: love is a choice.  In the beginning of a new relationship, the chemistry can be overwhelming, but once the human body’s response to a new romance has leveled out a bit, we make a choice — even if it’s a subconscious one — every day to stay or go.  And that’s good news, because if you’ve put the time and effort in to learn from past experiences and figure out what you really need in a relationship, you’ll be way ahead of the game the next time you get involved with someone.  In the meantime, get out there and have some adventures.  Have lots of them.  Make your life whatever the hell you want it to be, and do one thing a day that scares you.  Keep it legal, of course.  But HAVE FUN.

Long story short: take all the time you need, and don’t give up on love… just give up old habits that don’t work.  It’s a much smaller sacrifice… in fact, it isn’t a sacrifice at all.

pk2u,

betty

got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the cute little “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!

pk2u,

amy

Take it from a girl who’s been there and done it all wrong. Sure, you can sit around feeling sorry for yourself and miss out on all the holiday parties (done that). You can cry when your family asks why you didn’t bring a boyfriend home for Thanksgiving (done that). Or, you can decide to take the season by storm in a smart, sensible and sassy way.

Here are 5 helpful tips from the pk girls:

1. Wear a thinking cap with your party dress. Don’t go anywhere trying to bump into your ex… and stay away from “couples parties” that just make you feel like crap. It’s ok to say no and stick to the fetes where you know you’ll have fun. Better yet: throw a holiday party of your own, and only invite single people – no couples allowed.  Or, invite couples, but tell them you’ll only let them in if they bring a single friend.  Male or female doesn’t matter – it’s about watering down the sea of “we”s.

2. Hit the holiday circuit with other single friends. Every girl needs a support system, and if you take a look around, you might realize you can be someone else’s as well.  Find a single friend and hit your office parties in tandem, and if you’re in the same town, get together for brunch on Christmas morning before (or even instead of) spending time with family.

3. Speak up for yourself. If you have an obnoxious family member (or a slew of them) who refuses to stop talking incessantly about your single status, calmly remind them that it’s better to be happy by yourself than miserable in the wrong relationship.  Stick up for yourself.  Tell them if they really love you, they’ll stop bugging you about finding “the one” and start realizing how strong and incredible you are on your own.  Here’s their dirty little secret underneath all the jabs: as happy as they might seem on the outside, they might actually be a little envious of your freedom.

4. Nevermind the mistletoe. Especially if you’re newly single, this is an awesome time to focus on yourself. Don’t go on a hunt for a holiday mate because of weird social pressure that makes no sense. Go on a hunt for self-fulfillment instead.  Hit the gym to bump up your endorphins, work out your holiday stress and give yourself a physical boost.  Take full advantage of holiday sales and buy yourself something that makes you feel gorgeous.  If you’re taking time off of work, dive headfirst into that novel you’ve been wanting to write, that trip you’ve wanted to take or do whatever else you’ve been putting off.  Do it now, as a holiday gift to yourself.

5. Be Santa Claus. Yes, your problems are real.  Yes, your sadness is understandable if you’ve just broken up with someone.  But no matter how much despair you might be in or how “blah” you may be feeling, somebody out there has it worse than you, and they could use a helping hand from someone who’s capable of empathy.  Got some extra cash?  Buy a few toys and take them to a toys for tots organization.  Even better: donate your time to a non-profit organization (Meals on Wheels, Salvation Army) that needs extra hands during the holiday season.  No plans on Christmas Day?  Volunteer at a soup kitchen.  And don’t just say you’ll do it… actually do it.  The reward is in the act itself, and perspective is a gift you can’t just buy in a store.

pk2u,

ellie

click to play “THRUSH” by Gabriel Bisset-Smith

pk2u,

amy

You might have seen me sashaying around the pk site, rockin’ my pk tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce.  Well, I’ve decided to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related.  Settle in, dolls.  I’ll tell it to you straight.

Q:

I dated my boyfriend for 3 years. In that time we discussed getting married in 2010. Well, time went on and… nothing. Not even an engagement. I realized 2 weeks ago that this is not what I want for the rest of my life…  an indecisive person who needs their mommy for advice and is still attached to her boob. I am very independent – I own a house, car, have a good job and a 10 yr old. I waited so long for him because deep in my heart I do love him. We had an incredible bond that I had never felt before. But I can’t continue waiting for a 32 yr old to figure out his life. Im so sad though. Ive had a really bad 2 weeks and anything will make me cry. A song, a picture, etc. Why do I feel this way when I know I’m doing the right thing? How do I get through? Please help me. It’s really hard. Thank you.

A:

You need to know three very important things:

1. You are NOT alone.

2. You WILL get through this.

3. If you followed your gut – which you obviously did – then you made the right decision, and it’s completely normal to feel stressed, sad, mad, frustrated, nostalgic, and all that other stuff in the wake of a breakup, no matter who actually delivered the news that the relationship was over.  When someone significant leaves your life, whether by your choice or his, your body literally goes through a chemical reaction, and your stress hormones spike, creating emotional and physical turmoil.  It’s natural.  It’s normal.  And the good news is, it won’t last forever.

You can do some small, simple things every day to help yourself through to the other side.  You can pay attention to the foods you’re putting into your body and the exercise you’re getting, which literally releases endorphins in your brain to make you feel better over time.  You can surround yourself with a support network of friends and family to increase your feeling of well-being.  You can build a playlist of songs that make you feel better, and you can listen to it first thing every morning to start your day in the right mindframe.

Most importantly, you can establish a no-contact rule with your ex to keep yourself from pressing the bruise before you’ve healed completely.  We talk about all these steps, and plenty more, in the betty action plan, which gives you an action step every day for 30, 60 or 90 days to keep you moving forward.  Ellie and Amy have both followed it to a T, and it really does help.

More than anything, just know that you’ve got an inner badass that wants to come out and guide your life to a happier place.  You can get there.  I know you can.

pk2u,

betty

got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the cute little “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!

For some reason, it was like the universe purposefully tried its very best to drive me insane in the days and weeks after we broke up.  I’d be driving home from the grocery store and a song would come on the radio that he played almost every night onstage… a song I used to love but could no longer bear to listen to.  I’d be sitting in a coffee shop, working away and minding my own business, when a song about a long-distance relationship would start streaming through the speakers overhead and I’d have to bolt myself to the chair and tune out the words to keep from bursting into tears in a public place.  I couldn’t even put my iPod on shuffle while I ran with my dog, for fear that my favorite musician, whom we’d seen in concert on our second date, would pop up and transport me against my will back to that night… back to that deep conversation about everything and nothing nearly drowned out by live jazz over dirty martinis… back to that first kiss.

Fast forward to this weekend.  Saturday morning, I was driving up a strip of highway in the middle of Texas hill country with no billboards on it – just cars slicing through tall chunks of limestone at 60 MPH under a clear blue sky.  It was chilly out, so I rolled the driver’s side window down and let a cold blast of air hit me in the face.  While I was winding through the hills, an admittedly cheesy but still awesome song came on the radio from John Mayer’s first CD, which was on the charts back when I was in another relationship a thousand miles away (and what now feels like a million years ago).

I remember visiting Washington, D.C., that year with that boyfriend, and I remember picking a fight with him at a metro stop because, deep down, I resented him for keeping me in one place.  I had that album on heavy rotation in my mp3 player at the time, and although this one particular song was really upbeat, it would still sort of haunt me a little.  Back then, something about the lyrics made me feel like I was missing out on an important part of my life… I was stuck in a little town I didn’t like, at a job I was overqualified for, in a house that wasn’t mine (it was his). Even though I was in love, I still felt like my life was passing me by without me in it.  I would sort of imagine this other version of me out there somewhere, living the sort of existence I was supposed to be enjoying.  But the real me was just comfortable enough to stay where I was, and just scared enough not to budge.  Which is why, although that song was fun to sing along to, a pit formed in my stomach every time I heard it.

Zooming around those hairpin turns with the wind in my hair the other day, though, I realized I couldn’t feel my life passing me by anymore… probably because I’m living smack in the middle of it, for better or worse.  I get my heart broken, and I make mistakes, and I’m imperfect, and some days I fall flat on my face with a magnificent splat.  I don’t have a boyfriend or a fiancé or a husband.  And that’s okay.  Because my life is mine.  I’ve had delicious adventures I will never regret, and there are plenty more where those came from.  And as the song says, there’s no such thing as the real world… just a lie we have to rise above.

pk2u,

amy

During a radio interview this week, one of the hosts asked me how to know when it’s time to call it quits on a relationship. I told him I actually think it’s pretty simple.

There’s one question you have to ask yourself: When you’re with your guy, is more of your time spent smiling & having fun or being frustrated & crying?

If the answer is that you’re usually frustrated & crying, then the relationship’s got issues. You need to think about whether or not that’s how you want to spend your life and consider that ending the relationship could make you happier in the long run. It’s not fun figuring out the person you love isn’t right for you (and vice versa). Knowing that you’re not in the right relationship and staying there anyway, though, is like a form of self-torture. Most likely, it’s better for both of you to throw in the towel and start fresh… so don’t think you’re doing HIM any favors by prolonging the inevitable.

I’ve seen countless girlfriends who wind up in situations that aren’t so obvious, too. Maybe he’s a really nice guy & you don’t fight much, but he keeps himself at arm’s length. Maybe he’s really great when you’re together, but then forgets to call when he says he will & misses dates because he’s “busy.” Maybe he says all the right things, but his actions just don’t add up. These are all examples of mediocrity at its finest. Ladies, don’t settle!

Being with a guy because no one better has come along is not cool. Being with a guy because he’s great in bed and fun to party with but won’t call you his “girlfriend” is not cool. Being with a guy who makes you cry even though he says he doesn’t want to hurt you is not cool. Settling for anything less than what you deserve is not cool.

Know what is cool? Having enough courage and self-respect to walk away from “good-enough.” Knowing that you can and will be better off on your own. Saying good-bye with your dignity in tact… because 99% of the time, mediocrity will not get better. And it’s not better than nothing at all.

pk2u,

ellie

cheesetastic?  you bet your sweet @ss. but we make no apologies. here’s a little slice of awesome, then-&-now style, from nkotb straight to you.

don’t even lie.  you know you love you some donnie wahlberg.

then…

…and now:

pk2u!

ellie & amy

You might have seen me sashaying around the pk site, rockin’ my pk tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce.  Well, I’ve decided to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related.  Settle in, dolls.  I’ll tell it to you straight.  Today, a twofer:

Q:

Why am I so sad and anxious about a break up even though it was my decision and I know it was the right decision? -Meredith

A:

Meredith, Meredith, Meredith. Breaking up is never easy when you truly care about someone, even if you’re the one who ended it. Give yourself a break. You’re only human, after all. As humans, we naturally resist change (even when it’s good for us). That’s why so many people stay in bad relationships way too long or settle for a job they hate. You’re in the middle of a big change and feeling sad and anxious is totally normal.

But here’s the thing: you already did the hardest part. You knew this guy was not the one for you, and you broke it off. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. It’s super easy to think about all the awesome things you did together or how amazing he was, but remind yourself why you knew deep down that the two of you just weren’t a good fit. Remind yourself about the tears and frustration the relationship caused.

Choose to look forward instead of looking back. You’ve gotten this far & I know you can kick your butt into gear to get moving in a new direction. The feelings might not go away tomorrow, but if you start focusing your energy on new, awesome things in your life, you will get him out of your head. Promise.

Q:

Hello Betty…  I have this partner – we were never a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of deal, but 6 months into the relationship I ended up pregnant with his baby. He didn’t want me to have the baby but because of health issues I went and had it anyway without him.  Well, now he is accepting of the baby but he has not let anyone in his family know about me or his son, who has his name.

He has two girls already from a previous relationship. He said that he cannot tell anyone right now because it will cause a lot of problems. Now every time I bring up this he gets mad. Around his friends he acts like he doesn’t know us, or like we’re just random people that he knows. He comes once in a great while to us when he has time and there are days he doesn’t. He never calls.  I have asked him if he doesn’t want us any more to just let us be and he says nothing.  It’s like he does and then he doesn’t want to be around. I’m not sure what to do anymore – if I should just move on and let it be or wait to see what he wants to do.

I feel obligated to him because I have his baby. We are still secret — us being with each other is going on 1 year and 11 months and I still don’t know anyone in his family.  Please help me.

Thanks ~v.

A:

OK, sweetheart.  I’m going to tell you something you don’t want to hear, but whether you realize it or not, you need to hear it.  This is not the man for you.  In fact, I can’t really say he’s the man for anyone, because quite simply, he’s not a man.

A man not only admits a child is his; he embraces it, nurtures it and can’t stop telling the entire world how amazed he is that he had some part in creating it.  No real man keeps his child a secret and treats the mother of his child the way he’s been treating you since the moment you met.  You have to end your relationship with him NOW.  Not just for your own sake, but for the sake of your son.  He’ll grow up paying very close attention to your relationships and repeat the patterns he sees, and you have a responsibility to set a healthy example.

Here’s the good part: the ball is in your court.  YOU have the power to create a positive family environment for your son and bring kind, strong, caring, real men into his life to mentor him.  You can find strong male role models in your family or your friends’ families, your place of worship, your son’s schools as he grows older, and yes, even in your personal life.  Most importantly, though, YOU have to be a strong role model, and that means standing up for yourself and treating yourself with respect.  That means walking away from a completely imbalanced relationship with someone who isn’t man enough to man up.  That means pursuing child support for your son and counseling for yourself if that’s what it takes to make sure your son is properly cared for.  That means being a mom who has the guts to show her son what strength really is.

It won’t be easy, but you can do it.  Here at PK, we’re behind you 100 percent, and so is everyone who’s reading this.

Ladies, let’s give V. some encouragement, shall we?

pk2u,

betty

got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the cute little “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!

pk2u,

ellie & amy