Pintester

Grumpy Grammar Police

2013-05-19T16:48:49Z

No cute Pinterest quote is safe from the grumpy grammar police, especially if the quote is sort of stupid to begin with…

I’m sorry, but if you’re going to be all deep, at least use the correct punctuation.

Also, please check out The Pintester Movement! I posted about it yesterday and I want to get lots of participation. My goal is to have 150 blogs and posts to link to, and right now I have 44 people pledged to go, so add your name! It’s all empowering and shit.

The Pintester Movement

2013-05-18T18:43:40Z

I am so excited to announce a new project I’m kicking off. It’s called The Pintester Movement, and you can participate! I’m getting together as many people as possible to step outside our comfort zones and try that Pinterest pin that’s been sitting on your Someday list forever. It’s your kick in the pants to get it done! And, in the spirit of Pintester.com, we don’t care if you succeed or fail– In fact, if you fail, all the better. Make us laugh. It’ll be therapeutic.

In addition to your kick in the pants, benefits include fame and glory. I’ll be putting up a post on Thursday, May 30 (that gives you a week and a half to get your project done) with links to everyone who participates and writes up their results. If you have a blog, that means you get some link juice and free traffic from me.

If you don’t have a blog, fear not! I’ve partnered with the awesome folks over at GoMighty.com and they want you to use their platform to join in with us!

Using the site is simple. You just:

1. Register for an invite at http://gomighty.com/register/ . (They’re in beta so you have to request an invite, but they send the invite out in 12 hours or less from the request.)
2. Create a goal called ‘Participate in The Pintester Movement.’
3. Write a story attached to that goal sharing the project you make and tag it #pintestermovement.

So stop being scared to tackle that project. You might fail, sure. So what? If we’ve learned anything from Pintester.com it’s that failing is not the worst thing ever. And you know what else? You might totally love that pallet coffee table, or crock-pot cheesecake, or Barbie boob necklace you thought you couldn’t make. Win-win, lovlies. Win-win.

Rules? I’m not much on rules, but please link back to The Pintester Movement post (once it goes up) from your post on that day, and link to the original tutorial that you’re working from on your post, of course. (Spread around that referral love!) The final element I’d suggest (but won’t require!) is some kind of call-to-action for your readers to also take on a project they’ve been putting off and join The Pintester Movement!

Raring to go? I knew you would be! Sign up below and I will email you reminders and details as we get closer to the date! (If you can’t see the sign-up form, click here!)

Bourbon Chocolate Milkshake

2013-05-17T19:02:40Z

If vacuuming drunk isn’t a thing, it’s about to be, because it’s 2:30, my chores aren’t done, and I just tested this motherfucker:

Image from Imbibe Magazine, photo courtesy West Egg Cafe

I had to. It’s my job, guys.

It’s a bourbon chocolate milkshake. Not a chocolate bourbon milkshake. The bourbon is definitely the first ingredient.

For this test, I had to get out my brand spankin’ new never-been-used-before blender.

I bought that thing specifically so that I could have smoothies for breakfast like Jenna Marbles. I bought it months ago. No smoothie has been had for breakfast. And I do not look like Jenna Marbles yet, either.

The cool thing about this blender is that you blend your stuff and then you drink it right out of the thing you blended it in. Genius.

Also, the recipe said to use vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup, but fuck that shit. When I make a chocolate shake, I use chocolate ice cream, bitches, cuz that’s how I roll.

(My short stint on the military diet scarred me and I still feel the need to measure everything to make sure it’s exactly a cup or a half a cup or whatever.)

It also calls for 2 ounces of bourbon.

Now I’m no chemist, but that is a ratio that makes me all warm inside.

Will it blend?

Indeed, it will.

Although I may have been a little over-zealous on the blending because it got sort of soupy…

And you remember how I said that ratio made me all warm inside? Well, drinking this made me all warm inside too, in that alcohol sort of way. Also cool inside because of the ice cream. It was very confusing, really. But I enjoyed it greatly. It’s like 90 fuckin’ degrees here and I still have to clean 2 bathrooms and vacuum the whole house, so I might just make me another one a’ deeze.

And, yeah, I drank it out of the blender cup like a badass. This way everyone just thinks it’s a health drink, right?

Bow Bun

2013-05-15T20:21:21Z

Dudes, if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t do this stuff to myself. Today I’m trying out the bow bun. I know you’ve seen it. It’s been all over Pinterest.

(If you can’t see the video, click here.)

And, if you want to see a real tutorial about how this works, there’s this one from Mr. Kate.

Pinteste Round-up: New Design

2013-05-14T17:20:44Z

If you’ve noticed, this place has gotten a little bit of a facelift! (Those of you who read via RSS and email, do me a solid and come visit.) I haven’t had a major redesign here since I launched back in December 2011, so it was probably about time, right? I really hope you like the new look and that it makes things easier for you. Those of you who read on mobile, the idea is to make it a lot nicer experience for you. We’re still working out a few little bugs, so feel free to email me if you see anything that’s not working quite right. Also, feel free to shower me with compliments about how beautiful the new design is.

The other part of the redesign is the slightly shifted tagline. I know some of you are going to be upset about that and start screaming, “SELL OUT!” Well, I’ll tell you, in this case, it’s literally true. I am selling out because I was losing out on real ad revenue due to my f-bomb tagline. It’s pretty easy to say, “Fuck The Man!” and stuff when blogging isn’t your career, but this is my sole income, so I had to put on my big girl panties and make an adult decision to not let go of ad revenue just because I wanted to say “fuck” in the tagline. Fear not, though. The content of the blog is not changing. We’ll not be losing our f-bombs and penis jokes so easily.

So, now that all that’s out of the way, let’s see some of your brilliance from the comments, shall we?

Turns out I didn’t get judged for eating four extra Saltines on the 3-day military diet. Most of you concurred that it is dumb.

Anna • I decided one time to do this and went out and bought all of the food for it. Then I remembered that I’m sexy as hell and have a really good diet already and HATE cottage cheese and grapefruit so that garbage rotten in the fridge when I shook my ass in front of a mirror and smiled. So my experience with the 3 day military diet was actually really pleasant.

Next time, I’ll just do that.

Goober • Hahaha MRE’s just for shits and giggles… one problem with that phrase… MRE’s give you the opposite of shits and you aren’t gonna be giggling much when you’ve been on the toilet for a half hour and can’t seem to remember why you ate that MRE. Also, when I was in the military we ate close to 3000 or more calories a day during basic training. And I lost tons of weight. It was because we worked our butts off training around 8-9 hours or more a day!

I forgot to relate my dieting poop story in the post, but I will tell you that the 3-day diet isn’t much for the shits and giggles either. I pretty much didn’t poop for 3 days.

I’m sorry it took me so long to do my latest cocknails post. But you guys didn’t mind, right?

Kelly724 • A flask, lube, and some scary looking alien jizz stuck to you when you pulled out. Worth the wait.

And I told you that even though 2-ingredient cookies aren’t the worst thing ever, they taste… healthy.

Jodee Rose • Healthy is the worst flavor.

Well, it ain’t the best, for sure.

Katherine Horejsi • I love these cookies, my favourite add-ins are butter, brown sugar, and a little corn syrup…and i leave out the banana. Flapjack anyone?

In my failed glass cutting video, I did show you a neat device with which to remove your nail polish…

Llama spit • I tried taking off my nail polish in the cat anus thing. It didn’t work and now my cat is PISSED!

Whoops.

Also, this:

Mary Elizabeth Hardin • I made you a gif so you can forever see the burn

I’ve been gif’d!

And I love that you guys are artistically texting stuff up.

Piggie4 • Nuf’ Said

Here’s another one from the tortilla post.

Breenah • You always inspire me so much.

I love you guys.

3-Day Military Diet

2013-05-14T17:22:50Z

When I kept up a personal blog regularly, the one hard-and-fast rule about things I would not blog about was my weight. Blogging about weight never goes well. It either looks like I’m fishing for a compliment (“Oh, you’re not fat!”), or, if I really am needing to lose a little, I get lots of not-so-helpful advice from everyone, many of whom could stand to lose a few more pounds than me. (Oops, did I say that out loud?)

So this entry is not about weight. It is about a diet. Please don’t give me weight loss advice. I know how it’s done. Please don’t feel obligated to leave empty compliments about the size of my ass. I know what I look like and I know what range I’m supposed to be in, I promise.

Ooh, a little defensive first thing in the morning, aren’t we? It’s probably the lack of calories talking.

Because this week I tried the 3-day military diet.

Image from Blessedmommy.Hubpages.com

Supposedly, you can lose up to 10 pounds in three days on this here diet. I never expected to lose 10 pounds. My metabolism moves at about the speed of a comatose sloth (due to Reasons– don’t give me metabolism advice either). I hoped for maybe five pounds. That seems reasonable, right? Hope for half the weight loss of a normal dieter?

I started off not feeling too bad about it. Day 1 was not actually that much different than what I eat normally, except for cutting out the snacks. Plus there was caffeine, which I don’t allow myself too often (although I indulge in celebratory Diet Cokes sometimes).

Breakfast, Day 1

I was still feeling pretty good about it at lunch.

Lunch, Day 1

And, yes, I used measuring cups and spoons to make sure I was getting exactly the right servings of everything, anal-retentive types.

Supper was kind of ginormous. Also, there was ice cream. Diets with ice cream? Sign me up, right?

Supper, Day 1

Day 2 made me crankier. This was significantly less food than I usually eat and following on the heels of a snackless Day 1, I was not happy about it.

Breakfast, Day 2

Also, a cup of cottage cheese is a lot of cottage cheese. Blergh.

Lunch, Day 2

Supper, Day 2 (Not pictured: 1/2 cup of ice cream)

By the end of Day 2, I was suffering from major brain fog. I tried to put the cottage cheese back in the pantry instead of the refrigerator. I was so hungry that I ate dinner kind of early, which turned out to be a mistake because by 9:00 or so, I was ravenous again. I took to muttering vaguely intelligible phrases under my breath, like, “diet schmiet,” and, “mmm delicious popcorn,” and, “fucking shitass damn poop horrid cock bitch whore.”

I’d like to tell you that I didn’t cheat at all, but I snuck two extra Saltines so that my stomach wouldn’t start eating itself.

I felt a little better the next morning– more positive about the whole thing, at least.

Breakfast, Day 3

Lunch pretty much broke my spirit, though.

Lunch, Day 3

Yes, that is a single piece of dry whole wheat toast with one tiny hard boiled egg on it. That’s all. One egg! On one fucking piece of toast! When I was little and made up stories about being captured and thrown in the dungeon, the evil captors still always fed me more than this. Sure, it was gruel and crusts, but at least it was more volume.

At this point, I would have given up if I hadn’t already told half the world I was doing this as a pin test. No amount of weight loss is worth having that for lunch, really.

Here’s dinner. I broke and added a tiny bit of mustard and relish to the tuna because a cup of dry tuna is kind of a lot.

Supper, Day 3 (Not pictured: 1 cup of ice cream)

Another two Saltines got me through the evening and I went to bed empty-bellied, but hopeful.

So, to summarize: I stuck with this diet to the letter except for four extra Saltines. (The mustard and relish were allowed.)

I would like to report that, despite my bad attitude, I lost a billion pounds and highly recommend this to everyone. I did not. I lost 1.9 pounds. Not even 2. And I’m eating Mexican food and pizza today so I’m probably going to gain at least 1.9 pounds between now and bedtime.

It sucked, I hated it, and I would gladly take back that 1.9 pounds if it meant I could not be starving for three days. And this is why I fail at almost every actual diet. I’d rather be chunky than feel like I’m dying. (GAH! I mentioned my weight. Ignore that.)

In conclusion, this diet sucks and is not worth the pain… kind of like the military. (Oops, did I say that out loud?)

Cocknails: Water Marbling

2013-05-13T17:12:06Z

You asked. You shall receive. I’m finally testing out the water marbling manicure. On video. Hope you enjoy this one, even if I didn’t manage to catch anything on fire. (If you can’t see the video, click here.)

Don’t forget to subscribe to my channel!

2 Ingredient Cookies

2013-05-03T16:11:50Z

Alright, I admit it: This morning I woke up and realized I didn’t have a pin test planned and I really didn’t feel like going to the grocery store, so I went through my boards until I found something I could make with only the ingredients I had on hand.

Good thing I had a brown banana and an almost-empty thing of oatmeal or I wouldn’t have been able to make 2-ingredient cookies.

Image from The Burlap Bag

Normally, this would not constitute “food,” and I would be forced to make a Taco Bell trip for lunch. But if Pinterest says you can make food out of it, who am I to question?

Also, I didn’t have anything delicious to mix in. The chocolate chips and Rolos are long gone, compadres. (I was on my period. Shit happens.) But I did manage to dig a box of yogurt raisins out of my purse from when I took my nieces to the museum last week and needed emergency snacking supplies.

(The Auntie of the Year Award goes to me because I took them out for gelato instead of making them eat yogurt raisins.)

Does not in any way resemble cookie dough:

Still doesn’t, even mooshed and with yogurt raisins in it. (I don’t know why I thought that would help.)

I admit, here, to straying from the directions. Spraying the cookie sheet is an important step, guys. Don’t skip it. But I skipped it because I was using this awesome stoneware cookie sheet that I love and nothing ever sticks to the damn thing. It’s magical.

I was still not confident in how these would turn out, as they sort of looked like piles of cat puke.

They didn’t look all that much better when they came out of the oven.

Maybe slightly older piles of cat puke.

Also? They stuck to my fucking cookie sheet even though it’s magical and nothing ever sticks to it. Fine, cookies. You win. You will stick to anything.

I managed to pry them off the cookie sheet with only minimal damage, except for losing most of the yogurt raisins out of them.

And they tasted about like you’d expect: bananas, oatmeal, and yogurt raisins smooshed together and slightly dried out. Not like a cookie. More like bananas. And oatmeal.

I do admit to eating all of them because I was hungry and still too lazy to go to Taco Bell. And, on the plus side, eating all of the cookies only means that I ate a banana and half a cup of oatmeal, plus some stray yogurt raisins, so I don’t have to run a penitent mile or two later (ha, like I would anyway).

Cutting Glass Bottles (with Fire)

2013-05-01T13:00:28Z

I feel like it goes without saying, really, but this video is Not Safe For Work unless your boss doesn’t mind long strings of swears and blasphemes. It involves me attempting the bottle-cutting pin where you light things on fire. Spoiler: It did not go well. (If you can’t see the video, click here.)

And, of course, if you’re not subscribed, DO THAT!

Brownie in a Mug

2013-05-20T19:35:42Z

I have not been altogether successful with things in mugs. It’s not that I begrudge things in mugs. In fact, cake in a mug is still the most popular thing on my blog, ever… But I have to say, I was skeptical that a brownie in a mug would go any better.

Image from GoPromos.com

In my opinion, the coolest thing about this one is that you don’t have to mix it in a bowl and then pour it in the mug. It is a true mug cake.

Of course, I dirtied up all kinds of dishes because I was trying to be all artsy fartsy about my photos.

Basically, you just combine the dry ingredients…

… and add the wet ingredients…

… stir…

And then microwave, making several attempts to get a decent picture of the running microwave without also taking a picture of your own stupid mug reflecting in the microwave. (I eventually just gave up… but see what I did there with the mug pun?)

It did sort of look like a turd with craters in it when it came out, but looks aren’t everything, guys.

Also, you scoop some ice cream on that shit and you can’t see how ugly it is.

I was half expecting the whole thing to come out of the mug like one big cake lollipop like the last one did, but it had a noticeably less disgusting consistency.

As far as the taste? It really wasn’t bad! I mean, if you like the ooey center of the brownie pan as opposed to the crusty outsides, this is probably pretty close. Not cakey, so the cakey brownie people can go home now. Definitely fudgey and definitely ooey. (I paint such great word pictures. That’s why I’m a writer, y’all.)