Pippa's food blog

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2013-03-01T08:16:00.001-08:00

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Sticky Ribs in Under an Hour

2013-02-21T12:34:00.001-08:00

Takes: 40 minutes

Feeds: 4

Skill level: Extra Low

The price of beef has sky-rocketed in the UK since we're no longer able to pad it out with delicious horse, so here's a great way to use a cheap-as-chips cut of pork.

Ingredients:

Pack of pork ribs (this one cost me £3 on a 2-for-£6 deal and were at least 2 days out of date when I cooked them)
100g hosin sauce (get it in a massive squeezy bottle from the chinese supermarket)
1 tbsp any kind of vinegar
1tbsp honey
2tbsp soy sauce
1/2 tbsp mixed spice (if you're American, pumpkin pie spice. If you can get to the chinese supermarket, five spice.)
Salad or something to make the meal at least look civilised on a plate

"Streak-free summer glow"

Method:

Awwwww yeahhhh

Boil the ribs for 15 minutes
Don't bother putting the kettle on, just shove them in a pan with some water and get it hot. Turn it right down once it starts to boil, and keep it on there for 15 minutes. It will smell dreadful and delicious skuzz will float on top. HAVE FAITH.
Prepare the glaze
Shove all the ingredients that aren't pork or salad in a jug and stir them. Proper rocket science, this. Also, turn the grill on the highest setting now
Drain the pork
Look at that grey, sad pork and remind yourself why boiled pork is never the final stage. Put the ribs on a grill tray
Brush the glaze over the porkMakeover time. Make that meat look like an Essex lass in Magaluf.
PS Americans- substitute this for a bad New Jersey joke or something
Grill for 20 minutes
Ribs have an a-side and a b-side. Make sure that fleshy side is up first, and gets nice and charred in places

Yeah, it's really that simple. Go on, do them tomorrow night. If you're having a night in with friends, this will make you godly. Just remember to provide ample napkins if it's for Halo night. That doesn't bear thinking about.

Not drooling at this image is one of the first indications of vegetarianism.

The Karczma, Birmingham

2013-02-11T04:57:00.004-08:00

The place that makes you wish you had a Polish grandmother and hadn't worn a belt.

On a surprisingly snowy February day in Birmingham, I decided to try one of the best-reviewed restaurants about- The Karczma.

The first thing one notices about the Karczma is the homely-yet-touristy decor. An abundance of ikea sheepskins drape over plastic-shaped-like-wood benches (which are fixed to the ground too far from the tables, annoyingly), the ceiling is lined with hay and the walls are painted with twee murals of traditional Polish farm labour. While initially impressive, the juxtaposition of the rustic shutters with the widescreen television silently playing Sky Sports inside it does rather give the impression of a mud hut with mod cons. However, you didn't come here to get gooey over adorable crochet tablecloths, you came here to eat hearty Polish food.

Do try to look past this
vomit-inducing mural

Once you've ordered, you're told to help yourself to the little table by the bar, which has huge loaves of bread, a pot of pickled gherkins and (most pleasingly), a vat of seasoned pork fat. This really separates the men from the boys- spread that stuff on like peanut butter, it's delicious, and a taster of things to come. If your date shies to this then she might as well go home right now.

I'll just mention now that the wine selection at the Karczma is unsurprisingly poor, since their wide array of flavoured vodkas is the main attraction. Of course, this only clicked into place in the first sip of my warm California Bay Chardonnay from a single-portion bottle: unbeknownst to me, the only wine available by the glass. Just bear that one in mind. Go for beer or vodka.

We ordered marinated herring, goulash soup, a mixed platter of dumplings and roast pork with a wild mushroom sauce, all to arrive at once. The marinated herring, famed to me by the Golol Bordello

song, was cracking. It's marinated in oil and onion, and served on yet more raw onion (with a little lemon juice to take away most of the bite), and it's the perfect thing to cut through the starchiness of the
rest of the meal.

Adorable soup caddy

The dumplings were as heavy and delicious as expected- three beautifully steamed packages that could easily be a small meal each. The goulash soup wasn't too salty, my usual complaint, and was presented in a small hanging cauldron with a tiny wooden ladle. The beef itself was falling apart on my spoon, and had a beautiful sheen from yet more animal fat. The roast pork was particularly good if a little dry in places, with a dark, rich, slightly nutty mushroom sauce and three salads to cut through the heaviness.

The atmosphere at The Karczma is incredibly relaxed. Fortunately,
they opted away from trying to play traditional Polish music, and instead the same three euro-pop tracks spin round. The bar is friendly and inviting, the benches, while uncomfortable, are big enough for at least ten people, but don't feel empty with just two.

Roast pork with wild mushroom sauce

Price-wise, you'd struggle to do better. Starters and small meals (like the dumplings) are around five pounds, which larger meals like the pork are around ten. Portion sizes are enormous, so it would be best suited to a group of friends who'd like to share everything, or just popping in for a small soup for an inexpensive, warming meal. The bill came to just over £30 for two, though there was enough food for at least three.

For a restaurant in an unusual location with such an unimpressive front, The Karczma is incredibly well-reviewed. Their Tripadvisor page has endless reviews from happy customers, mainly because they are reminded to on the back of the business card given with the bill, but also because The Karczma presents something of a local secret- homely, different, but budget-friendly enough to frequent.

The Karczma, Polish Millenium House, Bordesley Street, Birmingham, B5 5PH

Weekly Bento Roundup

2012-09-21T11:52:00.002-07:00

Just three for this week, the others managed to escape before photos!

Note: These photos are dark because they are taken on my phone before going out each morning. Just
squint a bit if it offends you.

(Clockwise from top): Fig baked in brown sugar; Greek yoghurt and honey; raw sugar-snap peas;

raspberries stuffed with blanched almonds; raw red bell pepper; fried chicken with wasabi and

edamame dip as a spread; egg noodle swirls; black sesame seeds

(Clockwise from tomato): Cherry tomato; tomato couscous; raw sugar-snap peas; red grapes;

almonds with the skin on; mini quiche (cheese and onion); 2 orange segments; half a sausage sliced up

(Top to bottom): Three boiled dumplings (chicken and spring onion); three cherry tomatoes; spinach

salad with walnuts; pine nuts and raisins

Easy Onigiri (Rice Balls)

2012-09-17T09:19:00.002-07:00

Super simple one here, guys. Onigiri are like a sandwich that uses rice instead of bread, and once they're wrapped up you can just take them about in your pocket as a snack or as part of a bento (lunchbox)

Here's a foolproof way to make onigiri:

Ingredients:

Sushi rice (No other kind of rice. Really, this will just fall apart with anything else. Use what's leftover from making sushi)
Sushi vinegar
Nori (the seaweed that goes around sushi- you can even buy this in Tesco these days, but go to an asian supermarket for a better price)
Salt
Optional fillings- sesame seeds, umeboshi (pickled plums), tuna mayo, tinned salmon, etc...

Method:

1. Prepare sushi rice

Filthy filthy gunkwa

a) Put half the amount of rice you want to end up with in a pan. Overestimate, because you can always make onigiri (rice balls) with the leftovers

b) Wash the rice with cold water, draining each time the water gets nice and murky. This will stop us ending up with slimy rice. Do it until the water runs clear or you lose the will to live (for me, between 5 and 8 times)

c) Rest the very tip of your finger on the rice. Fill with cold water until the water in the pan reaches the first knuckle of your finger. You'll get to know exactly where is perfect with time, but this is generally pretty accurate

d) Put a (preferably clear) lid on the pan, and put it on the hob on full blast until it boils. From now on, no removing the lid until you're ready to actually do stuff with your ricee) Once it boils, turn the hob down to its lowest setting for 10 minutes until the water has completely absorbed

f) Take it off the heat and put to one side for between 5 and 35 minutes to steam off the bottom. DO NOT REMOVE THE LID UNLESS YOU WANT TO DESTROY EVERYTHING. Prepare your fillings now.

g) When you're ready to go, lift the lid and add two tablespoons (or a slosh) of sushi vinegar, and stir your rice around

2. Prepare for action

a) Get out two little bowls. In one, put water and as much salt as will dissolve. This is your handwashing station to stop the rice from sticking to your fingers

b) Rip a nice big sheet of cling film off. Then cut it in half to make a decent sized square and lay it in the other little bowl

c) Sprinkle a little salt on the clingfilm to stop the rice from sticking to it

d) Dip your hands in the salt water solution if you're going to use your fingers to transfer rice from pan to bowl (do this between every rice ball)

3. Make Onigiri

a) We're going to use half a cup of cooked rice for each rice ball. Put this amount aside if you need to, or just guess. Put two thirds of it in the clingfilm bowl

b) If you're going to add a filling, poke a little dent and add a teaspoon of it now

c) Put the last third of rice on top

d) Gather the cling film edges and squish the ball further into the clingfilm (like you're squeezing cottage cheese through the bottom of a sock) in order to get the airbubbles out of the rice ball (bad analogy? Nah, you get the picture)

e) With one hand flat, and one bent at 90 degrees where the fingers join, squish the ball into a rounded triangle. Use your thumb and little finger to flatten the sides. Rotate and repeat.

Happy little onigiri seemingly from the 90s

Mixing in sesame seeds makes it look adorable

f) Cut a strip of nori and wrap around the bottom as a handle

Black sesame seed onigiri on grilled asparagus and sliced bell pepper,
with feta, asparagus, sweet chilli and bell pepper salad. With more
sesame seeds, because then they MATCH.

All packed up and ready to go.
Plus a silly butterfly cookie

Foolproof Sushi (Maki)

2012-08-27T12:17:00.004-07:00

Takes: 45 mins, mainly passive

Multitasking level: Very low

Feeds: 1 person per full roll (6 maki pieces)

The important thing to note in my Potted History of Sushi in the UK* is that ladies love sushi, and in particular Maki (just meaning "roll"), which are the bite sized ones that come in servings of six. If you have to bring food to a party and you bring sushi, I can guarantee you'll be beating the women away with a stick, because it seems a lot harder than it really is and is quick to make in huge quantities.

(I'm just going to add here that since making this tutorial, I have become better at both sushi, food photography and half moon manicures, so these pictures might be replaced with some that I can bear to look at a little more soon.)

Ingredients:
These will be available in Asian supermarkets, online, or for extortionate prices in regular supermarkets.

Sushi rice - This is a special short grain rice that sticks together well without forming rock hard clumps. Don't let me catch you trying to just overcook Jasmine or American Long Grain. I will catch you because you will be crying over your terrible attempt at sushi
Sushi vinegar- This is what makes it sushi. Sushi roughly translates as "sour rice"
Nori- Available in packs of about 6 sheets for three quid in Tesco or about 2 quid for a hefty block in an Asian supermarket. It's really about how willing you are to be slightly terrified by jars of hot chilli fermented bean curd
Fillings- We're going to use cucumber mainly here, but avocado, bell peppers etc are also good. Do not put raw fish in it unless it's Sashimi quality (that means it's been flash-frozen to kill off bacteria) and don't use smoked salmon because it's way too strong a flavour

Ok, you know what I said about having got better at sushi?
These things are too fat. Get that yellow pepper size zero if
you're going to use it- this sushi is a cruel land for curvy veg

Method:
1. Prepare sushi rice

Filthy starch trying to sabotage your
sushi

a) Put half the amount of rice you want to end up with in a pan. Overestimate, because you can always make onigiri (rice balls) with the leftovers

b) Wash the rice with cold water, draining each time the water gets nice and murky. This will stop us ending up with slimy rice. Do it until the water runs clear or you lose the will to live (for me, between 5 and 8 times)

c) Rest the very tip of your finger on the rice. Fill with cold water until the water in the pan reaches the first knuckle of your finger. You'll get to know exactly where is perfect with time, but this is generally pretty accurate

d) Put a (preferably clear) lid on the pan, and put it on the hob on full blast until it boils. From now on, no removing the lid until you're ready to actually do stuff with your rice
e) Once it boils, turn the hob down to its lowest setting for 10 minutes until the water has completely absorbed

f) Take it off the heat and put to one side for between 5 and 35 minutes to steam off the bottom. DO NOT REMOVE THE LID UNLESS YOU WANT TO DESTROY EVERYTHING. Prepare your fillings now.

g) When you're ready to go, lift the lid and add two tablespoons (or a slosh) of sushi vinegar, and stir your rice around

Apple corer and speed peeler make
preparation an adventure and an ego
boost

2. Prepare fillings
a) Chop up everything that's going in into lovely long, thin strips
b) Get a tiny bowl out and fill it with water and some salt. You're going to use this to stop the rice sticking to your hands
c) Admire how organised your little sushi station looks

3. Make Maki
a) Lay out half a sheet of nori on your sushi mat

Ripped nori is hella butch

b) Dip your hands in the water bowl. Pick out a really small handful of sushi, and press it lightly onto the nori, making a layer thin enough that you can see the nori through, which extends to all but the last inch of the sheet (because it's going to squish up)
c) Lay a sparse line of filling on the side closest to you
d) Using the mat to help you, roll the first tiny bit on top of itself to make a solid starting point. Now carefully roll it away from you, keeping it tight without ripping the nori. Press in the middle to ever so slightly squish the mix out to the sides. This might take a bit of practice, so be ready to eat your first (delicious) failed attempt

Look, this bit's fiddly, so I'm just going to go ahead and give a picture sequence

FILL 'ER UP

This is no place for Bachelor Frog levels of cleanliness

Keep it tight

See how useful it is to have pictures?

Squishy squishy! Distribute even pressure to avoid
sushi roll beer gut, and try not to split your nori

Just remember I told you I'm better now.

e) Once everything's rolled up, you can either leave it circular or press it into a square shape in the mat. I like squarish because they look cool on a plate (tessellating food makes me happy). Leave the roll to cool inside the mat so it retains its shape

4. Slice up and serve

This picture was cropped to hell,
so now it looks like we're making
sushi IN THE NINETIES

a) Get a big knife out. Make sure it's sharp. Dip it in the salty water you used for your hands, put your fingers over the big maki roll, and cut it in the middle. Then cut each side into three. Make sure to get the gunk off your knife between cuts to make sure the maki look superfiiine
b) Arrange on a plate, possibly add other fun sushi bits such as a little dish of soy sauce or (my favourite) pickled ginger. As we've mentioned before, soy sauce quality does matter, but wasabi... Well. In this country, wasabi is green coloured horseradish sauce. Real wasabi is grated and mixed into a paste at the table, and loses its flavour in about 10 minutes, so don't lose sleep over not being able to impress your lady-friend with high quality stuff at this stage

Chow down.

NB: These refrigerate well, but not for days and days. Rice goes hard once compressed, and even harder when compressed and cold. Try to avoid terrifying rice pellets of tasteless doom.

Got leftover sushi rice? OM NOM. Get over to my Onigiri tutorial and learn how to make that delicious before it turns into a gelatinous lump in your pan.

* A potted history of sushi in the UK

Sushi came into public consciousness in the UK in the 80s through American classics such as the Breakfast Club ('85) but also through Japan becoming a hideously fashionable place due to its expanding tech economy. It was food for "yuppies" and was laughed at throughout the nineties when every curry-and-chips loving Briton happily declared how they could never eat raw fish because that was disgusting. Sushi grew in mainstream popularity throughout the early noughties, and its current availability in supermarkets has promoted a search for "authentic" sushi for hipsters, as Britons come to reject classics such as "Chicken Mayo Californian Rolls" available in the Tesco Meal Deal range. Sushi is a bit of a cult classic in the west, but mainly among women as it poses a "light" alternative to a sandwich (while still being almost entirely rice), and is the only recognisable representation of Japanese cuisine in the UK, as most Britons harbour no desire for anything that's been purposefully left to rot before eating.

Wontons and Mini Quiche

2012-05-22T15:11:00.002-07:00

Alright! Today we're making wontons (or Jiǎozi as they're properly known. Actually what we're cooking are Gyōza, the Japanese version, because we're using garlic and such, but the wrappers should be thinner if we're going Japenese authentic. I get geeky about this stuff. Let's just call them wontons.) and using the leftover gunk to make mini quiches, the best kind of quiches.

Wonton preparation takes a while, so be sure to make an absolutely massive batch. Use the wontons in soups (boiled ones only) salads, lunch boxes over rice and for dipping in soy sauce or sweet chilli sauce.

Ingredients:

Happy little package of convenience!

Three turkey breasts (or equivalent in just about any light meat)
Three spring onions
A cup of chopped bacon bits or cured ham if you're fancy (to counteract the healthy blandness of the turkey)
One tablespoon oyster sauce
1tsp crushed garlic
1 tsp crushed (and chopped) chilli
Wonton wrappers from the local asian supermarket

Look, I know you can make your own. I've done it. But these ones come in a lovely little packet and don't make a mess. If you really want to, it's just flour (preferably rice flour) and water. Go wild.

2 eggs (one for the mixture, one for sealing the wontons)

Extra ingredients for the quiche:

Plain flour
Some kind of butter, stork or (at a push) animal fat
Another egg. I sure do love cholesterol in my cooking

Method:

Prepare wonton filling

Cut the meat like it owes you money. Seriously, as finely as you possibly can. It should look disgracefully not-meat-like by the end. If you have big lumps, they will make your wontons burst while cooking, and then that mix will stick to other wontons so even the successful wontons will remind you of your past failures
Chop the spring onions finely and add to the bowl, season with salt and pepper
Add 2 teaspoons of crushed garlic and 2 of crushed chilli, according to taste, and 1 tablespoon of oyster sauce. If you don't have oyster sauce, mix a tablespoon of soy sauce with a pinch of sugar and enough cornstarch to form the consistency of tomato ketchup, and add that

Wontons, Assemble!

Prussian Efficiency

Assemble in batches. Put a teaspoon of filling in the middle of the wonton wrapper
Beat an egg in a seperate dish and smear it around the outside with your finger while trying to take pictures/use a pastry brush like a responsible adult
Fold in half and crimp the edges. Here are three pictures of valid ways of crimping the edges. The one with the fork most shouts "White girl cooking Chinese food" so that's what I generally go with. Also it reminds me of delicious pies

Words can't bring them down, oh no no.

Cook wontons

Fill a kettle with boiling water and add a splash of soy sauce to help with flavour
Lower wontons in carefully with a slotted spoon
Boil them until the last wonton has risen to the top of the pan (Protip: Lay a wooden spoon over the pan to stop thing accidentally boiling over. If you work on gas, make sure to line it up with the handle of your pan or you'll burn it and everyone will laugh at your foolish error)
Drain in a colander

This is how I like my wontons:
Pure and delicious, almost healthy

This is how my little sister likes hers.
All you have to do is pan fry after boiling-
gives them a nice crispy skin, for easier
dipping

Great! You've got wontons! And a whole bowl of wonton mixture left over! Fortunately, wonton mixture is basically the same as quiche mixture. If you're very foreign and don't know what a quiche is, it's an omelette pie. Am I making this sound glamorous? Quiche is manly, let's go.

Preheat the oven to 190C (374F), add the rest of the egg you used to seal the wontons to the bowl of slop and quickly knock up some short crust pastry:

Rolling pins are for losers
(this recipe only)

Guesstimate the volume of pastry you want and put about half as much flour as that in a bowl. It's better to be over than under. Also add a generous pinch of cayenne pepper- this makes cracking pastry
Add half as much fat as there is flour (stork or butter is best-- steer clear of anything that claims to be healthy) and rub in with your fingertips until it looks like breadcrumbs
Crack and egg in and form into a ball with your hands. Sloppy? Add more flour until it resembles what you think pastry looks like

Spray your muffin tin with oil spray (or grease with butter and some kitchen towel). Now rip the pastry into balls, flatten with your fingers and line the muffin tin with them

Slop the mixture in each one, sprinkle grated cheddar delicately on top and whack them in the oven until the cheese starts going brown where it's spilled over on the muffin tin. Also it should smell like Cheese On Toast (Americans, I believe you have something called a "grilled cheese". Use that as guidance)

Smells like the dishonour of a filthy
muffin tin

Smells like the glory that is Cheese On
Toast

Cool on a cooling rack and chow down.

Quiche just doesn't look good in photos.
Trust me that this is delicious.
I think it's the arbitrary bits of spring onion
that really make it sparkle.

NB: Both these things are amazing in bentos (lunchboxes). The quiches can be just wrapped up in tin foil and eaten as a hearty mid-morning snack. Go crazy.

Chicken and Carrot pie with White Wine Sauce

2012-04-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

Takes: About 50 minutes

Ingredient	Cost	Notes
3 cups flour	10p
1 cup cooking margarine eg. Stork	30p	Butter works well too, but don’t attempt with anything healthy. Blue Flora in particular won’t cook right. If it claims to in any way be good for your heart, you probably shouldn’t be eating pie anyway
2 eggs	35p	One for pastry, one for egg wash
2 chicken breasts	£2.00	If you’re using funky chicken, scrape any slime/discolouration off first, and fry for an extra five minutes. Classy
3 onions	30p
1 cup corn flour	5p
1.5 cups white wine	40p	Plus at least one for the chef. Don’t be fancy here, get out your boxed stuff
4 carrots	25p
1 tub sour cream	£1.00	Tasty stuff, but you could try using cream or even yoghurt

Total: £4.75
or £1.19 per person

Method:

Pastry
- Pre-heat your oven to 200C because we are lazy and cannot wait for slow cooking
- Blend the flour, butter and 1 egg together with a little salt and pepper (alternatively, rub in the butter with your fingers and then add the egg to amalgamate)
- Knead lightly until it forms a ball
- Separate a third for the lid. Roll the rest out to cover the inside of the pie dish- make sure it spills over the edge a bit- it’s going to shrink back anyway
- Prick with fork, egg wash and blind bake for about 15 minutes. Prepare everything else now
  
  Still dangerous, obviously
Prepare pie innards
- Peel and chop carrots and boil for 15 minutes on a medium heat
- Chop onions and chicken and fry until chicken no longer looks dangerous
- Drain carrots- put a small bowl under the colander to collect carroty water
- Put drained carrots in with chicken and onions and take the whole thing off the heat
Pie sauce
- Create cornflour slop with 3 tablespoons cornflour mixed with 3 tablespoons white wine
- Pour into chicken pan
- Add more white wine and carrot water until sauce forms- you may need to put the cornflour back on the heat in order to activate its incredible propensity for forming terrifying glutinous lumps around your chicken. When this happens, add more liquid
- When a reasonable but boring looking sauce has formed, add a tub of sour cream
- Stir and season thoroughly, then slop in blind-baked pie dish (suddenly remember you had a blind-baked pie dish in the oven…)
Lid
- Roll out last third of pastry, cut into an appropriate lid-shape and slice an “X” in the middle to let steam out
- Have your boyfriend or anyone who is supposedly cooking with you mould the remaining pastry into a retarded version of the animal inside the pie
- Cut the excess pastry off the sides of the pie dish
- Brush the linking edges with egg wash
- Flop the lid on top, push a fork down on the sides to make it pretty and egg wash the whole thing (don’t forget to add the somewhat confused animal or your sous chef will cry)
- Bake for about 20 minutes or until brown/extreme hunger
  
  Squirrel? Chicken?
  
  Now, cooked!
Plate up
- Pie can be a meal in itself, but I’m serving mine with mashed potato and fancy broccoli because FUCK THE POLICE
- Chow down
  
  Mash and broccoli, because there weren't enough carbohydrates on this plate
  
  Appropriately dressed for dinner

Monstrous Pavlova Sandwich

2012-04-01T10:42:00.003-07:00

Making pavlova is ridiculously easy since most of the time is spent ignoring it. If you're making it for a party (at which it is an impressive yet inexpensive gift), make the bases the day before and whip the cream and assemble just before you go, so the meringue doesn't go soggy.

Ingredients:
8 egg whites (Don't be a pussy about this. Yes, it's a lot of egg whites, but leftover egg yolks are delicious. Make Crème Brulée, custard, lemon curd, or just double them up instead of a normal egg in cakes for added richness. Also, they freeze really well.)
450g caster sugar
2 tsp cider vinegar
2 tsp cornflour
1/2 tsp salt
400g berries
1 1/2 tubs double cream
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup icing sugar
Zest of 1 lemon

DEM PEAKS

Method:
1. Preheat the oven to 180C and grease two baking trays

2. Whisk the 8 glorious egg whites in a large bowl until they form stiff peaks when you take the whisk out. If you can see froth, they're not done

3. Stir in the sugar a couple of tablespoons at a time, and give it a good whisk in between. Observe how your meringue mix now has a soft shine to it. Fancy meringue

Now: creamy and delicious

4. Remove the whisk altogether and stir in the salt, cornflour and vinegar by hand. The vinegar will make them a little bit chewy at the bottom

5. Flop the meringue in two large circles on the baking trays. Make one flat, and one textured for the top

6. Put in the oven, and immediately turn the temperature down to 115C and set the timer for an hour and a half. Go and play outside

7. When the time is up, turn off the oven and ignore your pavlova some more until it's cool. Don't even take it out of the oven. This is seriously lazy baking

8. Whip up a tub and a half of double cream (or whipping cream, but not single cream. Don't even try, it's doomed to failure) with a teaspoon of vanilla essence, half a cup of icing sugar and some lemon zest

9. PAVLOVA PARTS, ASSEMBLE! Spread cream on pavlova base. Artfully arrange berries atop it. Somehow slide pavlova top onto it to create a delicious pavlova sandwich

10. Chow down

GLORIOUS PAVLOVA SANDWICH MOUNTAIN

10 Minute Springtime Salsas

2012-03-26T12:04:00.002-07:00

It's spring! Aside from warmth, blossom and questionable park activity, one of the best things about this time is having access to your parents' kitchenware when you're back for the holidays. Let's make refreshing food that celebrates our sudden access to a blender!

Lazy Man's Salsa

This amount of raw veg legitimises the fact that
you're about to eat an entire family pack of tortilla
chips

1 carton chopped tomatoes, drained
2 cloves garlic
1 large white onion
1 large friendly red chilli (de-seeded)
1 lemon (juice only)
1 small handful parsley (you could use coriander, but parsley is so much fresher and more summery)
Salt and pepper

Method:
1. Chop roughly and put all the things in the blender

2. Blend

3. Chow down. I told you it was lazy.

This one has a warm, spicy after-taste

Salsa Verde

2 spring onions
1 large handful parsley
1 large friendly red chilli
1 small evil green chilli
1 lime (juice only)
2 cloves garlic
4 tablespoons sour cream
Salt and pepper

Method:

Now you know what fresh things
in a saucepan looks like

1. Chop everything roughly. Remember that the flavour of chilli is not only in the seeds, but in the membrane, and adjust what you put in according to how much you hate your sinuses

2. Put the onions, parsley, chillis and garlic in about an inch of water on the hob until they've wilted a bit- this will stop them from melting your face off

3. Take off the hob, drain, and blend until very finely chopped

4. Put in a small bowl to cool for about 10 minutes

5. Add sour cream, lime juice, salt and pepper

6. Add tortilla chips and chow down

Man-Scones

2012-03-18T12:39:00.002-07:00

Takes: 35 minutes

Makes: 6

Man-scones are a variation of the English classic that has been catered to the tastes of the men in my life- they are huge, rugged, and (most of all) delicious.
Man-scones differ from regular scones in 4 major ways:

They are approximately twice the size
They contain about twice as many raisins per square inch
They are much crunchier on the outside, preferably with slightly puffed up/burned raisins (though still soft on the inside)
They are should look rugged and distressed- irregular shaping is vital

Note: The aim of the game when making scones is to work as quickly as possible and try not to touch anything inside the bowl with your hands- if the butter melts, the scones will end up dense and horrible

Bakeware from dystopian future

Ingredients (makes 5-6 Man-Scones):

8 oz self-raising flour

3 oz butter or Stork

1 tsp salt

1 1/2 oz caster sugar

1 heaped cup raisins (alter to taste)

1 egg

2 tbsp buttermilk (or, 1 tbsp milk, one tbsp Greek yoghurt)

Method:

Cut it like you're from Harlow

Preheat the oven to 220C and grease a baking tray. Sift the flour into the bowl with the butter.
Use two knives in a scissoring motion to cut the butter up really finely in with the flour. Keep shaking the bowl up and down to bring the lumps of butter to the top
Gently but quickly rub in the butter between your fingertips until the whole mix resembles bread crumbs. Pour in the sugar and salt
Beat the egg with the buttermilk (or buttermilk substitute) in a separate bowl. Add half the wet mix to the dry and mix in with a blunt knife and chopping motions

Egg slop
Add the raisins. Add more raisins if you want- there's nothing more disappointing than a scone bereft of fruity goodness
Mix in the rest of the egg slop with the scone mix with your knife until it starts forming a ball. Briefly and gingerly shape it into a ball with your hands. Be aware that if you over-knead it, the gluten strands in the flour will turn your delicious crumbly scone into a bit of rock-hard fruit bread
At this point one would usually start rolling out and cutting the mixture. NOT SO WITH MAN-SCONES. It's boring, makes them uniform, and results in them warming up and losing air, so no squishy insides. Instead, break off lumps with your hands and place on the baking tray. Make them approximately the same size so they all cook vaguely consistently
Brush with either a beaten egg or just some milk. Ridiculously specific protip: Instead of actually brushing, just lightly slap the scones with the wet brush, because otherwise you end up mushing the mix around and it takes much longer
Bake for about 15-20 minutes. Check after 15, but do not be afraid of puffed up, burned raisins. Remember that these are big scones, so will take longer to cook than normal ones
Place on a wire rack and gaze lovingly at them until the raisins cool enough to eat
Chow down. These scones are good enough to eat just with butter- I personally think jam and cream rather ruins scones when they're this good.

*SINGLE MANLY TEAR*
I know these look like rock cakes, but on the inside they are soft and buttery

PS: I also made these adorable mini-man scones
for our Mother's Day tea. They are still ruggedly handsome.

(Note to my non-English readers: In England there is great controversy gained from tedious conversations as to whether these are pronounced "Scone-as-in-gone" or "Scone-as-in-stone". It is literally likely to come up in any scenario in which scones are mentioned in front of people deriving from more than one family. If you ever find yourself in one of these conversations, please remind all those around you that using "U or non-U" rules of pronunciation to define one's social class is very old-hat. If you ever mention that the Americans call something similar to this "biscuits", you will incur a fascinating monologue about the differences between American and English vocabulary which everyone has heard at least ten times in their life if they are above the age of 12.

Just thought I ought to warn you.)

Delicious home-made Lollipops

2012-03-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

Takes: About an hour, not including wrapping up time

It is extremely difficult to show you care with gifts when you have no money.
Therefore, you must substitute cost for hours of your time and potential danger. Lollipops are ideal, as they take a while, are a cutesy home-made version of a commercial thing, and the sugar could potentially leave you horrifically disfigured if it spills on you. Thus, the females in your life will go crazy for them.

Ingredients:
- 2 cups granulated sugar
- 2/3 cup corn syrup (though I used golden syrup as an alternative)
- 1 cup water
- 1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
- 2 tsp orange flavouring
- A few drops red and yellow colouring
- 2 teaspoons

Utensils:
-Cup measure (come on people, we're dealing with boiling sugar here, are you sure you want to take the risk of just using your coffee mug?)
- Jam thermometer (I understand not everyone has these, but many mothers do. You're looking for a rural (if possible) middle-class, middle-aged woman. She or a friend of hers will have one and will be willing to lend)
- Saucepan
- Wooden spoon
- Baking tray
- 30-40 cocktail sticks with the pointy ends cut off (use scissors)

Method:

1. Grease two baking trays and space out your makeshift lolly sticks on them

2. Heat all the things except the colouring and flavouring in a saucepan on a high heat- stir until the sugar dissolves

3. Stop stirring. Put on the highest possible heat until the mixture reaches 320 degrees Fahrenheit on your jam thermometer (about 10-15 minutes). Be aware that at this point, the boiling sugar harbours a deep hatred of you, your clothing and your skin, and will only maim you if you attempt to stir it. Also, that sugar burns like napalm. Fill the sink with a few inches of cold water

4. Once it's reached 320 degrees, take it off the heat and put it into the water to stop it from cooking and cool it down a little. Add 2 teaspoons of orange extract and whatever colouring suits your taste- Remember that Scarlet Red food colouring is in league with Boiling Sugar and will therefore stain your clothes, hair and work-surfaces irrecoverably

5. Put on a cooking rack or upturned pan on the work-surface (the sugar pan will probably melt your work-surface, it is still incredibly hot) near your baking tray

6. Using two teaspoons, plop a bit of mix on each lollystick, and give the stick a twist to make sure it doesn't just fall off when you pick it up. Use about half the mix.
NB: If the mixture is hot, it will suffer from middle-aged spread like a school secretary after Christmas and your lollies will be terrible. Wait for it to solidify slightly. If it gets too cold to use, just shove it back on the heat for a minute and start again

7. When cool (about 15 minutes), flip the lollies over and do the same on the other side so they're not disappointingly flat on the back

8. After a further 15 minutes, they're ready to eat. Wrap in greaseproof paper and string and stick in the fridge overnight to harden them up totally

Note: A Word on Wrapping

When presenting gifts of baking to women, always wrap in greaseproof paper and string. Not only is it inexpensive, it straddles the line between twee hipster and homely traditional, and is therefore suitable for a lass of any age or inclination.

I will add that while this is also appropriate for men, as it strikes of ruggedness and practicality, in my experience men are more concerned with the quantity of the food than how it is wrapped.

For the purposes of these lollies, the point is to stop them from sticking together, and also to use something that won't absorb the grease from the baking tray and make them look gross. Use baking paper, shiny side towards the lolly

"Individually wrapped for extra daintiness"
Again, this adds towards showing the object of your affection that, despite having no money, you are prepared to go to ridiculous lengths to make their present utterly charming

These are takeaway trays that have been put in the dishwasher. Try to avoid giving gifts that require the awkward return of tupperware- it's not classy, nor does it feel special

Tilapia with Tomato Quinoa and Guacamole

2012-03-10T13:43:00.000-08:00

Ready in: 35 minutes

Multitasking level: Medium

Feeds: 4

Ingredient	Price (approx.)	Notes
2 fillets of Tilapia	£4	I’ve never had Tilapia before. It’s a really soft fish- more like a bottom feeder than something muscular like Cod
1 lemon	25p
2 avocados	£1.50	Often in Reduce To Clear because they’re ripe for about a day
Quinoa	We’re using about 40ps worth here	It’s harder to find (Waitrose only). However, it is more delicious than couscous, with the highest protein percentage of all the grains, and contains no wheat (for all you coeliacs)
1 can value chopped tomatoes	38p	Sainsbury’s basics ones are actually the best. Nice red colour, come in a carton not a jar. Edit: They now sell versions with herbs in them. Cool story, Sainsbury’s.
Splash of red wine	15p	Don’t bother with fancy wine here, it’s really just to give it some depth
1 tomato	15p
4 handfuls baby spinach leaves	Bag costs about 75p, we’re using about 30ps worth	Delicious go-to salad because it doesn’t have a disappointingly airy texture like other salad bits
1 onion	10p
2 cloves garlic	10p
2 handfuls tortilla chips	20p
2 handfuls mushrooms	50p	Mushrooms are delicious and underrated. Buy the ugly buggers from Tesco Market Value- they’re getting chopped up anyway…
Chopped parsley	30p	Growing herbs (of the culinary kind) in your student digs will make it look prettier and disguise generic student smells. Also you can eat them

£8.33
Or about £2.08 each

Utensils:

· Small saucepan for couscous

· Grill pan (or roasting dish with a cooling rack inside)

· Chopping board and knife

· Small bowl and spoon for baste

· Spatula

· Possibly a pastry brush, if you have one (NB: Buy a silicone pastry brush. You can get them from supermarkets. Ones with actual hairs will leave actual hairs on your food and your friends will question your personal hygiene)

Method:

Different bowl shows we mean
business

1. Guacamole (slightly non-traditional due to allergies of those being fed)

a. Finely chop 1 onion, 2 avocados, 1 tomato and 1 clove of garlic and shove in a bowl

b. Add the juice of half a lemon and a tablespoon of chopped parsley, and a pinch of salt

c. Mix together, then transfer to a fancier bowl to make it look like hard work

d. Shove in fridge until you’re ready to serve

2 . Tomato Quinoa

a. Put a third as much quinoa as you want to eat in a saucepan

b. Add 1 ½ times as much liquid as there is quinoa in with it. In this recipe, put a tin of chopped tomatoes on it, a splash of red wine, a squeeze of lemon juice, and 2 teaspoons of sugar (otherwise it will just dissolve your face when you try to eat it) – and some chopped parsley to continue our parsley theme here

c. Put on the hob on a high heat and stir frequently with a wooden spoon. Just make sure it’s not sticking to the bottom. Sort the tilapia out now

i. Cooking the quinoa will require some attention. Things with tomato based sauces love to ‘catch’ (burn) and ruin your meal, so keep stirring. It ought to look a bit frogspawny after about 5 minutes- if it starts sticking to the bottom at that time, put a splash more water in it

ii. After 10-14 minutes it should be done

3. Tilapia

a. Turn the grill on high

b. Make a baste

i. Put a squeeze of lemon juice, a tablespoon of olive oil, a tablespoon of chopped parsley and 1 tsp salt

ii. Mix together to emulsify (stop the water and oil separating and make it thicker)

c. Paint the baste onto the fish with either a pastry brush (if you’re cool) or your fingers (if you don’t bake enough pies and therefore have no pastry brush)

e. Pop the tilapia under the grill for 4 minutes, then flip until it’s all white with no visible rawness remaining

4. Garlic-y mushrooms

a. Put a handful of quartered mushrooms into a small saucepan with 1 tbp of olive oil, on high heat

b. Once they have ungratefully sucked up all the moisture and are making “we might just be burning” noises, add 2 tsp butter or margarine to the pan (don’t ask me why they won’t absorb this one), a pinch of salt, and 1 clove chopped garlic

c. Keep stirring for about 3 more minutes until it smells excellent

5. Plate up

a. Flop the quinoa into a sieve if there’s any water lurking about still, then back in the pan, then a bit on your plate

b. Arrange spinach leaves and garlic-y mushrooms artfully

c. Slice the Tilapia fillets down the middle and put half on the plate

d. Slop a little guacamole on the side, add ready salted Doritos for classiness

e. Chow down

Tortilla chips: Model's own

How to Make Bad Meat Taste Good

2012-03-10T08:04:00.000-08:00

Good meat: That which you lack
Pic courtesy of wellhungmeat.com. Yes really.

Old/ slightly funky looking meat

Use your common sense here. If it's completely festerous or you have a terrible immune system, don't mess around, throw it out. Otherwise, be aware that cooking the hell out of things makes them safe to eat.

Straddling sell-by date: Something with strong flavours

Marinade in something strong tasting (eg lemon juice) and stir fry thoroughly (example here)
Marinate in oil, ginger, garlic and chilli and curry it (best if you're scared of the flavour being a bit rancid)- example curry recipe here

Pretty funky looking: Make a pie

Scrape bad looking bits off. Cut up small, season it and fry until you're sure it's really thoroughly cooked
It'll now be dry as anything, so put it in a pie dish (or pyrex bowl) and make a sauce to go on top. For example, an onion sauce for chicken: chop up 1 onion very finely, fry, add 1 tbsp flour, slowly add milk and keep blending until all the lumps are out and it's reasonably thick. Mix in with the fried meat
Make some short pastry for a pie crust (half as much butter as flour in a blender or rubbed in with fingers, then add 1 egg) and lay on top
Brush with a beaten egg (or just milk) to give your pie a healthy looking crust
Bake on a high heat until the sauce is bubbling and the pie crust is firm

Tough cuts of meat eg. diced stewing beef

Put on a chopping board. Cover the whole thing in cling film. Put on floor (not a counter, you will probably break it) and bash the living daylights out of it with a rolling pin until it's soft
Tough cuts like stewing beef want stewing. If you've got the time, put it in a casserole dish with chopped onions, carrots and potatoes and cook on a low heat for several hours

Dry meat eg. Turkey, any bird breasts, steak with no fat on it/no marbling

If worried about dry meat when roasting a bird

Cut a lemon in half, put both bits inside the bird while it cooks
Rub butter on its skin, especially breast area- Especially good if you can get it underneath the skin

If cooking turkey, most tasteless of all the birds

Use a yoghurt marinade- just yoghurt, your turkey bits and whatever flavourings you want in a plastic bag in the fridge for a couple of hours (ideally overnight)

If rescuing completely dried out meat

Make a gravy out of all the juices that have escaped while cooking- reduce what's left in your pan (just keep cooking it to get the water out) then add a splash of red wine and some salt and pepper. Mix a tablespoon of cornflour with a tablespoon of water in a separate bowl, and mix in slowly when the pan's off the heat. Add it slowly and don't use it all- judge how thick you want the gravy to be. If you're a bit sparse on meat juices, cut up an onion really finely, fry, add the meat juices to that and then do the other steps

Frozen meat

Defrost SLOWLY in either a microwave on defrost setting or by putting it in a zip-lock bag and leaving it in a bowl of warm water

Never cook straight from frozen, especially don't fry it- you risk having a tough outside and chilly interior

Be aware that freezing meat makes it tougher. Consider treating it as if it was a tough cut (see above) and either tenderising, stewing, or both.

Prawn Curry in a Hurry

2012-03-08T11:06:00.000-08:00

Takes: 15 minutes

Multitasking level: Low

Feeds: 4

Ingredient	Price	Notes
1 pack pre-cooked prawns	£2.50	These were just in the fridge. Use any pre-cooked leftover meat to cut down on cooking time.
1 handful green beans	30p	Or any green veg that’s on the cheap
1 orange bell pepper	30p	Any colour except green, as green bell peppers are the devil of all vegetation
1 large white onion	10p
1 inch ginger	5p
2 cloves garlic	10p
1 lemon	25p	Always use lemon where there’s a tomato based sauce, or it feels really bogged down
Enough rice for 4 people	30p	There’s a post on this if you can’t remember how to measure it all
Various spices	Steal from parents’ cupboards ~30p's worth here	1 tablespoon garam masala, 1 tsp ground cinnamon, 1 tablespoon cumin, 2 tablespoons dessicated coconut, 2 tsp chopped chilli
1 carton chopped tomatoes	38p	Sainsbury’s value are the best for juiciness, consistency and colour- Tesco’s ones look a bit mutant

Total: £4.28
Or £1.07 each

1. Sort rice

a. Measure: Put some rice in the saucepan. Remember that it will expand to double its size, so work out how much you're likely to eat

b. Wash: Put cold water in the rice pan and swirl it around with your hand until the water turns cloudy. Block the rice with your hand and drain the water out. Repeat these steps until your water turns clear- about 5-7 times

c. Water: Place your finger so the tip just touches the rice. Fill the pan with water until it reaches the first joint on this finger. That’s the right amount of water.

d. Cook: Put on full heat until it boils. Don’t take the lid off, at all. Turn right down to the lowest heat for 10 minutes or until all the water is absorbed. Start cooking the curry now. After ten minutes, take off the heat WITHOUT TAKING THE LID OFF and leave it to steam itself off the bottom of the pan until you’re ready to eat

2. Make curry

a. Slice the onion and fry on a medium heat in 1tbsp oil until soft

b. Add all the spice, the green beans, chopped ginger and the chopped garlic

c. Add the chopped tomato, the prawns and the bell pepper- stir for 3 minutes

d. Add the juice of half a lemon- taste it, if it's too hot, add a little yoghurt

3. Plate up

a. Fluff up the rice with a fork and pop some on the plate

b. Pile curry on top in a hopefully appealing way, remembering that curry always looks like a mess

c. If you’re trying to make an effort with your presentation because your blog is starting to make you money, garnish with a somewhat arbitrary bit of parsley

The compulsion to take cheerful pictures of my food means I have not eaten a piping hot dinner in quite a while

Breaded Fish and Chips

2012-03-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

Or: "How to bag a British girl for life"

(As pork pies are kryptonite to British men, so is fish and chips the one bona fide weakness of British women)

Ready in: 45 minutes

Multi-tasking level: Medium-high, but worth it

Feeds: 4

Ingredient	Price	Notes
2 large haddock fillets	£5.76	I’m using haddock here because I’m cooking for traditionalists. Cod is also traditional. There’s really cheap white fish out there if you just go to the counter and ask what’s good
6ish potatoes	40p	Alter according to hunger
3 tbsp breadcrumbs	n/a	If you object to paying for breadcrumbs, literally put your stale bread in a blender. If it’s not too old, grill it in the oven first to make it crumbly. Panko are Japanese breadcrumbs- they’re the best (absorb the least oil, making everything crispy) but also the most expensive. Weigh up your priorities.
1 egg	15p
2 tbsp flour	7p
3 tbsp mayo	15p	I use light mayo because I’m a girl and therefore like to trick myself into thinking mayo isn’t just oil and more oil
1 tbsp capers	30p	Capers are delicious. Keep them in your fridge. The jar is pricey, but will last for months, even a year
1 splash lemon juice	5p
5 cups peas	25p	I’m using petit pois because I’m a fancy French lady (NB: Not actually French, but still super-fancy)
2 garlic cloves (optional)	10p

Total: £8.22

Or, £2.05 each

Utensils:

· Frying pan for fish

Spatula

Colander

· Saucepan for boiling potatoes

· Saucepan for peas (can be the same one, frankly)

· Roasting dish for chips

· Small bowl and spoon for tartar sauce

· 3 small plates/bowls/upturned pan lids for Fish Action-Station

Method:

1. Par boil the chips

a. Scrub the potatoes but leave the skins on (unless you’re a wuss) and cut them into nice thin chips- this will cut down on cooking time and avoid the dreaded so-chunky-it’s-basically-a-baked-potato chip

b. Boil for 10 minutes to soften them up a bit

c. Once they’re on the boil, preheat the oven to 205 C. Stick a roasting dish inside with a thin but even covering of oil on the bottom- enough that you can see it move when you tilt it

d. Optional: put a whole, unpeeled clove of garlic in the oil. Makes the chips slightly garlicy, without the risk of disgusting burned stuff.

2. Chips in oven

a. Drain the potatoes and pat with kitchen towel to get some of the water off. Note the delicious slimy starch- this is what’s going to make the chips crunchy

b. Shove the chips in the pre-warmed oily roasting dish. Take out the garlic now, if you put some in- remember that if chips are on top of each other they will take ages to cook- spread them out. Start making the sauce now

c. Every 10 minutes, take them out and move them around with a spatula. Don’t worry if they break up, this will make them crunchier. Sprinkle with salt after 10 minutes. Start prepping the fish now

3. Tartar sauce (we’re not making the mayo. Shop-bought mayo is just fine.)

a. Put 3 tablespoons of mayo in a bowl

b. Chop up 1 tablespoon of capers as finely as you can and put them in

c. Add a squeeze of lemon. If you want it to taste homely and familiar, add a teaspoon of sugar

d. Mix together

PRUSSIAN EFFICIENCY

4. Make Fish Action-Station!

a. In three separate small bowls, plates or upturned lids, put

i. 3 tablespoons flour

ii. 1 beaten egg

iii. 4 tablespoons breadcrumbs

b. Get out your frozen peas and put the appropriate amount in a separate saucepan

5. Cook fish

Golden brown, textured like fish

a. Put 4 tbsp oil in a frying pan on the hob on a medium-high heat until it shimmers like a woofter vampire

b. In your saucepan, put boiling water on the peas and put them on medium-high heat

c. Dip your fish in all three atrocities in order until you’re cursing yourself for not using larger lids and cursing the fish for causing you anger[1]

d. Make peace with your god and lower the fish into the pan of near-boiling oil with a large spatula skin side down. Remember it will probably spit. Put the plates you’re going to use to eat off in the oven now to heat up

e. Turn the fish CAREFULLY after about 3 minutes, when the breadcrumbs are golden- take the peas off the heat now and drain

6. Plate up

a. Take a deep breath. You did well, and whoever eats this will surely wish to marry you

b. Take out the chips, remembering that they are blindingly hot and evil-minded. Scoop out with a slotted spatula, into a bowl lined with kitchen towel. Chuckle victoriously at how you have foiled their diet-ruining ways as they leak vast quantities of oil, and try not to think about how much is still left in them

c. Get your plates out of the oven and spatulate (!) some chips onto them. Now cut the massive breaded fillets in two and put half on each plate. Add peas and sauce, and a bit of salt and pepper

d. Chow down

It is difficult for me to convey how large that plate, and thus this portion, is

[1] Why we have three atrocities here: Wet sticks to dry. Fish flesh is not as wet as you imagine, but will stick to something super dry like flour. Egg sticks to flour well, but don’t massage it too much or you’ll get a weird kind of fish pancake. Breadcrumbs stick to egg really well, but need a bit of pressing in. Never, ever, try to stick breadcrumbs to flesh alone. You will end up wallowing in self-hatred as they fall off in the pan and you end up with burned breadcrumbs and separate, unevenly cooked fish

Fish for this recipe is traditionally battered and deep fat fried.
Note that we breaded and panfried.
This version has two major benefits:
1) Deep fat friers take up a lot of space and cannot be used effectively while drinking
2) This version will not make your date complain that she feels fat

Chicken Curry with Rice

2012-02-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

Multitasking level: Medium

Ready in: 30 minutes
Serves: 6

Ingredient	Price	Notes
6 Chicken thighs	£2.69	Chicken thighs are cheaper than chicken breasts, but fiddlier to prepare. I get chicken thigh fillets as an in-between measure
2 Onions	20p	Gotta have some onion if we’re making a pan meal
3 handfuls of any raw veg	£1.20	Search Reduced To Clear section for nice things. Here I’m using green beans, mushrooms, sugar-snap peas and a tomato
Rice	1.39 per kilo- probably using about 40p worth here	Not the boil in the bag stuff, that stuff is weird and expensive.
1 lime	23p	Lemon’s alright too
2 Bell peppers	80p	Any colour, but not green (they taste like grass) Buy in ugly-buggers multipacks- these are expensive at the moment
Spices	Start building a collection- steal from back of parents’ cupboards	Basically use what you have and alter proportions as necessary, but here we’re going to use: 1 tsp turmeric 2 tsp cumin 1 tsp coriander 1 tsp cinnamon ¼ tsp ground cloves 1 tsp ground ginger 2 tablespoon coconut powder or desiccated coconut
2-3 tbsp natural yoghurt	30p	I get the Total 0% big packs because it's refreshing and doesn't go off

Total: £5.82
or £0.97 each
Utensils:

Wok, balti or large frying pan
Small saucepan and lid for rice
Chopping board and knife
Spatula

1. Rice

a. Measure: Put some rice in the saucepan. Remember that it will expand to double its size, so work out how much you're likely to eat

c. Water: Place your finger so the tip just touches the rice. Fill the pan with water until it reaches the first joint on this finger. That’s the right amount of water.

2. Curry

a. Put 1tbsp oil in the pan. Add sliced onions and cook on medium heat until soft

b. Chop chicken into pieces no bigger than your thumb. Take off the hard fat at this point, because it’ll taste gross cold. Put the chicken in the pan too.

c. Add spices: Sniff each spice before you put it in to remind you what it does for the curry. Then when you taste the curry later you’ll know what to add again. Keep stirring things because burned spices are gross.

d. Add hardy veg: Anything you actually want cooked. This generally means green things because otherwise they taste grassy. Add chillies now if you want to add those to the recipe. Cut up delicate veg.

e. Add delicate veg: Bell peppers, tomato and mushrooms, in this case. Stuff that doesn’t need much time

f. Add yoghurt and give a good stir- It should be looking like you’ve completely ruined your curry by dropping a tonne of moisturiser on it, but it’ll soon go brown and delicious with the spices. Add your lime juice. Taste some of the veg and add more spice as required- the yoghurt will make the spice less spicy, so alter as necessary.

3. Plate up

a. Give the rice a good fork-through to fluff it up

b. Shove curry on top and realise that while this curry tastes amazing it looks like hell on a plate

c. Chow down

SO BRIGHT IT HURTS MY FACE

Avocado eggs with Kale and Feta salad

2012-02-27T10:49:00.001-08:00

Ready in: 10 minutes

Multitasking level: Very low

Put grill on the highest setting
Cut the avocados in half and remove stone
Stare mournfully at the pitiful size of the avocados you bought
Slice a sliver off the back of them so they don't roll around on a flat surface
Put an egg yolk in the stone-hole (or a bit of egg yolk if your avocados are titches) and add salt and pepper
Bake for 5 minutes or until the yolk firms up slightly

Shown here with: Curly kale (put in pan, add boiling water, simmer for 3 minutes, drain),feta cheese, and a slice of parma ham. Gosh but I love parma ham.

Serve with fried bacon and feta cheese if you really want to give two fingers up to a low-fat lifestyle

NB: Avocados are quite often found in Reduce To Clear because when they've (finally) ripened they've got a matter of hours before they become squishy and brown

Corresponding bento for tomorrow:

I am quite glad that I am young enough to not care about my fat intake

PS: If you had to crack a new egg for this, be aware that leftover egg-whites are the most useful thing ever. You can use them for meringues, macaroons, marshmallows or just really light omelettes. I'll post recipes for these things soon, because eggs are great

Simple side dish: Garlic-y Green Beans

2012-02-25T05:21:00.004-08:00

1. Chop heads and tails off the green beans and chop 2 cloves of garlic

2. Put 1 teaspoon of olive oil, or the same of butter, in a small saucepan on a medium heat

3. Add the green beans, stir fry for a couple of minutes, then add the garlic (so it doesn’t burn)

4. Stir fry until lightly bendy

5. Add salt and plate up

For a fancier side dish, serve on a slice of Parma ham
Really good with pasta and grilled chicken

Grilled Mackerel with Tomato Couscous and Tartar Sauce

2012-02-22T11:15:00.000-08:00

Ready in: Under 20 minutes

Multi-tasking level: Very Low

Feeds: 4, and goes well in lunch-boxes. Scale down as necessary

Ingredient	Price (approx.)	Notes
2 butterfly fillets of mackerel	£3.51	These ones came in a packet, but keep checking fish that are reduced at the counter. It can be intimidating, but those people are there to help you- always ask to have your fish descaled and gutted by the person serving you, or descaled and filleted if you don’t want to use the whole thing. It’s free, and they’re very happy to do it. Also, you can ask for the bones back to boil up for stock if you so please. Don’t be intimidated just because you have to talk to someone
1 lemons	25p
3 teaspoons mayonnaise	15p	I use light mayo because I’m a girl and therefore like to trick myself into thinking mayo isn’t just oil and more oil
Couscous	60p a bag- we’re using about 30p’s worth here	Wholegrain couscous is tasty. Remember couscous works really well cold/reheated- cook more than you need
1 can value chopped tomatoes	38p	Sainsbury’s basics ones are actually the best. Nice red colour, come in a carton not a jar. Edit: They now sell versions with herbs in them. Cool story, Sainsbury’s.
Splash of red wine	15p	Don’t bother with fancy wine here, it’s really just to give it some depth
1 tablespoon capers	30p	Capers are delicious. Keep them in your fridge. The jar is pricey, but will last for months, even a year
4 handfuls baby spinach leaves	Bag costs about 75p, we’re using about 30ps worth	Delicious go-to salad because it doesn’t have a disappointingly airy texture like other salad bits
Chopped basil and lemon thyme	30p	Growing herbs (of the culinary kind) in your student digs will make it look prettier and disguise generic student smells. Also you can eat them

£5.94
Or about £1.48 each

Impressive bang-for-your-buck

Utensils:

· Small saucepan for couscous

· Grill pan (or roasting dish with a cooling rack inside)

· Chopping board and knife

· Small bowl and spoon for tartar sauce

· Spatula

Method:

1 . Couscous

a. Put a third as much couscous as you want to eat in a saucepan

b. Add 1 ½ times as much liquid as there is couscous in with it. In this recipe, put a tin of chopped tomatoes on it, a splash of red wine, a squeeze of lemon juice, and 2 teaspoons of sugar (otherwise it will just dissolve your face when you try to eat it) – and some chopped basil if you’re feeling fancy

c. Put on the hob on a high heat and stir frequently with a wooden spoon. Just make sure it’s not sticking to the bottom. Sort the mackerel out now

i. Cooking the couscous will require some attention. It ought to look a bit frogspawny after about 5 minutes- if it starts sticking to the bottom at that time, put a splash more water in it

ii. After 10-14 minutes it should be done

2. Mackerel

a. Turn the grill on high

Delicious baste

b. Take out your mackerel fillets and admire their value for money

c. Make a baste

i. Put the juice of half a lemon, a tablespoon of olive oil, chopped lemon thyme and basil (optional) and half a teaspoon of salt in a bowl

ii. Mix together to emulsify (stop the water and oil separating and make it thicker)

d. Paint the baste onto the fish skin with either a pastry brush (if you’re cool) or your fingers (if you don’t bake enough pies and therefore have no pastry brush)

Crispy deliciousness

e. Put the mackerel under the grill, skin side up, for 5 minutes. Start making the sauce

f. Take out- Drain any lemon juice from on top and add lots of salt- this is going to make the skin all crispy. Cook for 4 minutes more

g. When the skin looks delicious, flip and cook for about 1-2 minutes flesh side up

Tartar bits

3. Tartar sauce (we’re not making the mayo. Shop-bought mayo is just fine.)

a. Put 3 tablespoons of mayo in a bowl

b. Chop up 1 tablespoon of capers as finely as you can and put them in

c. Add a squeeze of lemon. If you want it to taste homely and familiar, add a teaspoon of sugar

d. Mix together

4. Plate up

a. Flop the couscous into a sieve if there’s any water lurking about still, then back in the pan, then a bit on your plate

b. Put spinach leaves on top because layers are so "now"

c. Put half a fish on top of that- admire that crispy skin

d. Slop a little tartar sauce on the side

e. Chow down

Look how fancy this looks. Hella fancy, that's how fancy

Also: Is anyone else's mind blown by the techno-awesome pattern on mackerel? Click on the picture of the fillets to get a good look- I cannot believe that actually happens naturally...

PS.

How tartar sauce should look,
for the uninitiated

Seriously impressed with
The size of these babies...

Delicious Vanilla Pancakes

2012-02-21T02:29:00.003-08:00

Cheesy photo from whatscookingamerica.net

Ingredients:

All purpose flour
Milk
An egg
Vanilla essence

Utensils:

Frying pans
Large jug (or just a bowl)
Spatula
Whisk
Ladle (optional)

Method:

Mix batter

Put some flour in a large jug/bowl- quantity: about half the amount of batter you want. Consider hunger levels now
Add an egg and mash it to oblivion with the whisk so the whisk goes all clumpy
Add milk GRADUALLY (whisking in between doses) until the batter has the same thickness as delicious double cream
Add a teaspoon of vanilla extract/essence

Cook

Put 1 dessert spoon of oil in the pan and get it HOT- Should shimmer like Edward Cullen
Pour a little of the batter in the pan and immediately start swirling it around- if you used the jug, you don't have to use a ladle for this part
Flip pancake when you see tiny bubbles in the middle/when the edges start crisping

Tips:

Make sure there's oil in the pan for each pancake, and that the oil is super hot, or the pancake will stick and burn and you will be a disappointment to us all
Add fancy stuff- rasins, chopped apples and chocolate chips all work well

Tomato couscous with Foolproof Chicken Stir Fry

2012-02-20T11:17:00.000-08:00

Ready in: fewer than 30 minutes
Multi-tasking level: Low
Feeds: 6 for this version, cut down accordingly

Ingredient	Price (approx.)	Notes
5 Chicken breasts	~£5.00	Thigh fillets are cheaper, but fiddlier to cut up. Evaluate whether you can be bothered.
2 lemons	50p
3 cloves garlic	10p
Couscous	60p a bag- we’re using about 30p’s worth here	Wholegrain couscous is tasty. Remember couscous works really well cold/reheated- cook more than you need
1 can value chopped tomatoes	38p	Sainsbury’s basics ones are actually the best. Nice red colour, come in a carton not a jar
Splash of red wine	15p	Don’t bother with fancy wine here, it’s really just to give it some depth
1 tablespoon soy sauce	10p	Only buy from Chinese supermarkets if you can- it’s a staple there, so it’s MASSIVELY cheaper than supermarkets (and the bottles look impressive)
1 tablespoon cornflour	3p	Cornflour is the best for thickening sauces and soups. Buy a box and it will last forever.
About 4 fists of chopped veg	~£3	Seasonality keeps it cheap, otherwise check reduce to clear. Try to get lots of pretty colours in there. Here I used: 1 white onion, a bunch of asparagus, a few mushrooms, two handfuls of baby spinach, three bell peppers (two red, one orange. Never green. Taste like grass.)

Total: £9.58
(Or about £1.60 each)

Utensils:

· Small saucepan for couscous

· Large frying pan/ wok/ balti

· Chopping board and knife

· Small bowl and spoon for cornflour

· Plastic bag

Method:

1. Marinate the chicken- this is a really good thing to do if the chicken’s on its last legs/ bought from reduce-to-clear but it looks a bit funky

a. Cut the chicken breasts into bits as tall as your thumb- remove sinew (stringy white bits) because they will never taste nice

b. Put the chicken in a plastic bag with the juice of 2 lemons and three chopped cloves of garlic

c. Leave it for between 5 minutes and 12 hours, depending on how funky your chicken is looking/how hungry you are

2. Couscous

a. Put a third as much couscous as you want to eat in a saucepan

b. Add 1 ½ times as much liquid as there is couscous in with it. In this recipe, put a tin of chopped tomatoes on it, a splash of red wine, the last squeeze of lemon juice from the skins of the lemons you used in the marinade, and 2 teaspoons of sugar (otherwise it will just dissolve your face when you try to eat it) – and some chopped basil if you’re feeling fancy

c. Put on the hob on a high heat and stir frequently with a wooden spoon. Turn it down after 2 minutes. Just make sure it’s not sticking to the bottom. Start cooking the stir fry now.

i. Cooking the couscous will require some attention. It ought to look a bit frogspawny after about 5 minutes- if it starts sticking to the bottom at that time, put a splash more water in it

ii. After 10-14 minutes it should be done (right)

RAW BUT WITH POTENTIAL

COOKED TO PERFECTION

3. Stir fry

a. Put a tablespoon of oil in the pan. Wait until it’s hot (it will be shimmering like a poncy vampire), then add the chicken, but not the marinade. When water hits hot oil it spits, so watch out. Drain water off it when it starts to bubble or they’ll never cook

b. Start chopping veggies quickly. You want to add the veggies in descending order of how cooked you want them, and then chop the next sect of veggies, so here it goes:

i. Onions

ii. Mushrooms (clean dirt off them with kitchen towel, chop in quarters)

iii. Asparagus (chop and discard two inches from the end to avoid woody stems)

iv. Bell peppers (speed-chop the way Gordon tells us)

v. Baby spinach leaves (add these once the stir fry is cooked and off the heat)
4. Sauce:

a. Pour the remaining marinate over the stir fry

b. Add 2 tablespoons of sugar (look, I know this sounds weird, but just do it. You just added a bunch of acid, this will make it all sweet-and-sour)

c. Put 1 tablespoon of cornflour in a small bowl, add 1 tablespoon soy sauce and mash all the lumps out with a spoon

d. Take the stir fry OFF THE HEAT and add the cornflour mix- stir in well to avoid weird gloops

Delicious cornflour slop makin'

your sauce all thick and tasty

5. Plate up

a. Flop the couscous into a sieve just in case there’s any water lurking about still, then back in the pan

b. Precariously balance the stir fry on a blob of couscous because you’re trying to imitate the food-in-tiny-towers they do on Masterchef

c. Chow down

THIS IS WHY WE USE ALL THE COLOURS

Edit: Tomorrow's corresponding Bento lunchbox
Top box: This meal
Bottom box: Salad of spinach leaves, spring onions,
peppadew sweet chillis and crystallised ginger

Super Manly Pork Pies

2012-02-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

"Manly" here means rustic (ugly), unhealthy and delicious.

Pork pies for the boyfriend's family- This variant has no 'jelly' between pie and crust, so they won't keep for as long as normal ones, but I think they're better like this. The recipe I use is here, but I make a couple of alterations which are as follows:

Components: Pork mix and hot water crust pastry

No anchovy paste, allspice or mace. Instead, 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves, 1 teaspoon mixed spice
More sage. Just over a tablespoon of finely chopped sage- gives it that really homely smell
For flour: 4oz plain baking flour, 4oz strong wholemeal bread flour, because it's nice to have a bit more substance to the crust

Tips:

Pack the meat tightly because it'll shrink a lot when cooking
Don't add too much flour when rolling out the pastry because it'll flake
If the pastry goes hard because it's cold, shove it in the microwave for a minute
Use a baking tin with straight sides or they'll look like middle-aged mince pies
They need longer than you think. As quite a girly girl, I am forever tempted to take pies out of the oven when they look pale and pretty, but this is not correct and will result in flaccid, undercooked pastry. When you're starting to look at them and think "Oh pork pies, life has not been kind to you", they are just about done. A good indicator is if you can put a nice thick layer of eggwash on before they go in and get a little pool of it on one side of one pie. When that turns sticky dark brown, and the meaty goodness is bubbling around the sides, they're done. I have included a disgusting close-up picture below to illustrate
Let them cool on a cooling rack in the pie dish. The sides will still be very flaccid because the lard is hot when they come out of the oven. When cool, put them in the fridge. Pork pies taste best after two days.
Pork pies are hardy beasts, just wrap them in cling film and carry them in your bag for a man-sized snack/on the go meal.

PRIME example of the “Oh pork pies, life has not been kind to you” principle.
These pies on the left do not look nearly miserable enough to be taken out yet,whereas the chappy on the right is brown, crispy and delicious. Note difference in egg wash.

Note: I have never known an English
man to turn down a pork pie. Please
tell me in the comments if you ever
have, because I think I may be onto
something here.
(Also, did anyone else giggle when I said "pack the meat tightly"?)

Quick Post: Guessing portions for grains

2012-02-17T04:23:00.000-08:00

Cheesy picture courtesy of tilda.com

While cooking:

Rice and quinoa will double in size

Couscous will almost triple

Pasta will "soften up", and in doing so grow by up to 20%

Put the [X] in a pan, imagine it [Y] times the size and ask "Is that going to be a bit too much?"

Having said that, don't forget that you can always put them in the fridge for tomorrow's bento/future meals:

Rice is the most difficult to keep for long in my opinion: it goes hard in the fridge and can become tasteless and dry. If reheating, blitz to oblivion in the microwave because otherwise spores will kill you or somesuch. I generally make leftover rice into makeshift Onigiri while still hot, put them in the door of the fridge (try to keep them away from the cooling element) and eat within half a week
Quinoa is delicious cold, and makes for good salads, especially if you cook it in chopped tomatoes (recipe soon). If it dries up too much, it can be revived with a tiny bit of olive oil (put in some lemon juice to up freshen, too)
Couscous can end up in hard clumps if kept in the fridge for long. Don't pack it too tightly when you put it away, and try to eat it quickly. Again, small amounts of olive oil can revive, but too much will make it taste like one of those Tesco couscous salads
Pasta is best revived in a pan of boiling water after spending time in the fridge. While it's still hot, be sure to put a teeny bit of oil on it to prevent it from forming solid bricks when it's cooled. Don't use butter, or it'll solidify and you'll get a greasy solid brick of pasta- super delicious(!)

Banana, Walnut and Oat Breakfast Loaf

2012-02-16T15:01:00.000-08:00

Well obviously there was more at one point, but my family ate it before I could take a picture...

This is breakfast loaf. It's a tea loaf, but contains breakfast things. It is easy, cheap and satisfying to bake.

Here's the tea loaf tin. It's just a small loaf tin. You could just make muffins instead.

Ingredients
• 1 cup self-raising flour
• 1 cup strong wholemeal flour
• 1 cup porridge oats
• 1/2 cup light brown sugar
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 egg
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
• 2 mashed bananas
• 3/4 cup chopped walnuts

Method
1. Put all the dry things in a bowl
2. Put all the wet things in different bowl
3. Pour the wet things into the dry things between intervals of mixing
4. Pour the delicious fragrant mixture into a tea-loaf tin (see picture) or about 12 cupcake liners- Only fill 3/4 of the way up to allow for rising
5. Bake at 205 degrees C (400 degrees F) for 25 minutes. Check after 15 minutes, and then just keep cooking until a skewer comes out clean from the middle.

Consume for breakfast with butter to ensure an amazing day.

Inside: Delicious.