Piquant Salty Humour

girls can be complex, difficult to work out.

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 06:36:00 +0000

Inner Peace: This is so true

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 06:36:00 +0000

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably .........
The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual

I dont think your friend liked your tale

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 07:03:00 +0000

Drunken elk rescued from Swede's apple tree

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 07:03:00 +0000

A drunken elk desperate for just one more mouthful of fermenting apples lost its balance in the attempt, leaving it stuck in an apple tree in western Sweden.

When Per Johansson of Särö, south of Gothenburg, returned home from work on Tuesday it was dark outside and the rain was coming down hard. Suddenly Johansson heard a bellowing noise from the garden next door.
“I thought at first that someone was having a laugh. Then I went over to take a look and spotted an elk stuck in an apple tree with only one leg left on the ground,” Johansson told The Local.
The unfortunate elk was desperately entangled in the tree’s branches and was kicking ferociously as Johansson approached.
“I thought it looked pretty bad so I called the police who sent out an on-call hunter. But while we were waiting, the neighbours and I started to saw down some of the branches and then the hunter arrived with a saw as well,” said Johansson.
The group tried to make the elk more comfortable but to no avail.
It wasn’t until the fire brigade arrived on the scene and managed to bend the tree to the point where the exhausted elk could slide out of the branches that the animal was finally freed.
According to Johansson, it looked very much like the elk was severely drunk after eating too many fermenting apples.
Drunken elk are common in Sweden during the autumn season when there are plenty of apples lying around on the ground and hanging from branches in Swedish gardens.
While the greedy animal was reaching ever higher to reach the delicious but intoxicating fruit, it most likely stumbled into the tree, getting itself hopelessly entangled in the branches.
And from what Johansson could gather, this particular animal had been on a day-long bender.
“My neighbour recognised it as the animal that almost ran into her car earlier in the day. She was pretty sure the elk was already under the influence,“ said Johansson.
When the inebriated elk was freed, it lay for a while on the ground, seemingly unconscious.
After emergency services had ascertained that the animal was still alive, Johansson was told to keep an eye on it and call the hunter straight away if it seemed to be suffering.
But by the morning the hungover animal had stood up and cautiously moved a few metres away.
After a while it went on its way, although Johansson suspects it is still skulking around the neighbourhood.
“We often see elk stuffing their faces with apples around here but this is the first time we found one perched in a tree,” he told The Local.

Apathy

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 07:30:00 +0000

Navy SEAL Quote of the Week

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 07:29:00 +0000

Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL . . .
After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
"Oh, no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

The Scotts

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 07:34:00 +0000

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided

to take it a little easier and take up golf..

So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his

Application has been turned down.

So he goes down to the club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot... Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot..... Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot...... Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot..... Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot:..... Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members

just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot..... Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have

to be a Protestant to march with the Orange-men And

I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight

of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that

You have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

Chocolate Bath

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 07:34:00 +0000

Thought for the day

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 07:33:00 +0000

"Every time history repeats itself the price goes up."

--- Unknown

You do my head in

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 07:15:00 +0000

Two Cajuns

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 07:14:00 +0000

Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Boudreaux said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat?” asks Thibodeaux.
“Send da lawn off to be mowed."

Worm food?

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 07:37:00 +0000

The Art of Growing Old!

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 07:37:00 +0000

"You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."
_________________________

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time.
The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’
After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director.
The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers.
With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

Walking with the fishes or fish flop?

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 15:23:00 +0000

quasimodo

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 15:23:00 +0000

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame

Sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and

Went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to
Call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he
Was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms!'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful

Melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found
A replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man

Tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the

Street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church

Steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the

Fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment

Before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man?'
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
( scroll down )

BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his

Heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the

Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother

Of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry

Yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him

In this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless

man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he

Groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,

Rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'

Wait for it

(It's worth it)....

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!'

Indians and Rebirth

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 07:36:00 +0000

Indians and rebirth

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said: 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing Dolce and Gabana sarees instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean, since they keep stopping midway to eat samosas and drink chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing !

They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line.' The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?' Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.' Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.' After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?' Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?' Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this ….. Hold on.' This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire, which is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying o start a telephone and IT connection between heaven and hell between ME and GOD. They have started a social network service for the troubled and believe in Karma and are good in convincing others.

Some were trying to start a chai - pakora, channa, dosa and samosa, barfi, chakli and dokla shop, which I had to stop. Many have no trouble living in dirt as they are so used to it down on earth. We have shortage of toilets to make them uncomfortable as this is Hell, but they have no problems in doing everything outside in open.

They are excellent in corrupting everyone and my staff is being bribed by them and I have difficulty in controlling the graft and corruption in Hell. They never complain as this place seems to be better from where they came. I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! I am therefore requesting you OH LORD, PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive -- let them be born again on earth".

So this is why Indians are the only ones that are re-born !

Generation Y

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 07:36:00 +0000

Generation Y
- People born before 1946 were called
The Silent generation....
- People born between 1946 and 1959 are called
The Baby Boomers.
- People born between 1960 and 1979 are called
Generation X,

- And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called
Generation Y,

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently (see attached picture)....

Yeah, there can be better jobs

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 06:31:00 +0000

Southern 100%

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 06:31:00 +0000

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying .... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat thar."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

Daddy’s little squirt

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 07:14:00 +0000

"Business is Business

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 07:13:00 +0000

A Chinese guy goes to a Jewish businessman to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you for $200.00 each."

What the heck is that?

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 07:53:00 +0000

When I was a kid...

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 07:52:00 +0000

When I was a kid, my dad, my mom, my teachers and not in the least my
close friends used to tell me of great people who had studied under
candle light, street light, Kerosene Lamp and I remember someone also
telling me that there was this great guy who had studied using a
collection of fire-fly.
I curse myself for not asking the question in the below mentioned mail chain
With all due respect to the great people.
Galileo studied in the moon light
Shakespeare studied in the candle light
Graham Bell studied in the street light
My question is ?
What the hell did they do during the day time?

What’s going on here?

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 07:35:00 +0000

Vaseline survey

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 07:35:00 +0000

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me
and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with
a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for
sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far,
can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all ... My husband and
I put it on the
Door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke ...!
Shame on you !!!!!