Piquant Salty Humour

Trust issues

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 15 Jun 2016 05:59:00 +0000

Admit it - I'm guilty

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 15 Jun 2016 05:59:00 +0000

LITTLE KNOWN TIDBIT OF NAVAL HISTORY.

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 05:23:00 +0000

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (I.e. Fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S.Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England .. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships,salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.

Chess pun

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 13 May 2016 09:37:00 +0000

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

”But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

”Because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Bbq

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Thu, 12 May 2016 06:01:00 +0000

engineer versus lawyer

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 06 May 2016 10:15:00 +0000

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates.

A newly anointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer; you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements.

After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons. One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan laughed and replied, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God’s face clouded over and he exploded, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gone down there; send him up here.”

Satan shook his head, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God was as mad as he had ever been, “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughed uproariously, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 06:45:00 +0000

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in Manchester 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

Rumour

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 10:05:00 +0000

Didn't save his bacon

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 10:04:00 +0000

It was the year 1890 and there were two Mexicans who had been lost in the desert for weeks, they were at death’s door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon…

“Hey, Pepe” says the first Mexican, “Ees a bacon tree!!! We’re saved!!!”

“You’re right, amigo!” says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s a huge volley of gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?”

With his dying breath Pepe calls out….”Ugh,…
run, amigo, run!!

…Ees not a Bacon Tree!”
…
…
“Ees… a…. Ham bush”

Only one is sorted

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 19:21:00 +0000

lessons to be learnt

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 05:37:00 +0000

Grammar nazi

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 08 Apr 2016 05:42:00 +0000

Alternative views

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 08 Apr 2016 05:42:00 +0000

Bad Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Thu, 07 Apr 2016 04:54:00 +0000

troll king

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Thu, 07 Apr 2016 04:53:00 +0000

wut?

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 06 Apr 2016 05:39:00 +0000

Now that's naughty

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 06 Apr 2016 05:39:00 +0000

What an ass

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 05:27:00 +0000

I feel weird

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 05:27:00 +0000

Hoodies

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 05:35:00 +0000

Ponderisms

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 05:35:00 +0000

Romantic

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 05:55:00 +0000

History

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 05:55:00 +0000

I hate her

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 05:21:00 +0000

I feel for her

noreply@blogger.com (Bhaskar Dasgupta) — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 05:21:00 +0000