Piquant Salty Humour

that will take you some time to clean up

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 05:50:00 +0000

Erm…

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:43:00 +0000

Just what happened here?

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:42:00 +0000

Chuck Norris Facts

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:46:00 +0000

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris

"When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't lift himself up. He pushes the world down."

"Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.

"If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down."

-Portraits close their eyes when Chuck Norris looks at them.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t have a reflection.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t have a shadow, light avoids him at all costs.

-Chuck Norris is the only thing a black hole can’t suck in.

-the chief export of chuck norris is pain!

-chuck norris once roundhouse kicked mr.T at the exact moment mr.T punched him in the chest. the result was the 80's

-chuck norris IS a weapon of mass destruction.

-chuck norris doesn’t milk cows…he roundhouse kicks them in the face ’til the bucket gets filled.

-How many CHUCK NORRIS’S does it take to screw in a light bulb…WHAT!? CHUCK NORRIS doesn’t need light. Light needs CHUCK NORRIS.

-CHUCK NORRIS died 10 years ago, but Death is too afraid to tell that CHUCK NORRIS

-When someone sneezes, Chuck Norris doesn’t say ‘God bless you’, he says roundhouse kick to the face, bitch.

-Aliens do exist, they are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack

-If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” but before you can ask “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, hes stares them down until they give him the information.

-Chuck Norris does not go hunting. the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday

-The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

-Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

-a roundhouse kick isnt the best kick in the world. ouch i just got kicked in the face by chuck norris.

-chuck norris is really scary and powerful. if you look him in the eyes fer more then 3 seconds you go blind. and then he gives u a roundhouse kick to the facE

-There was no adam and eve.. there was Chuck and Norris.

-if chuck norris ever saw you giving another guy a roundhouse kick to the face, chuck norris would come over and congratualte you. then he would kill you for stealing his famous move

-Chuck Norris doesnt have orgasms, orgasms have a Chuck Norris.

-chuck norris doesn’t sleep. he just waits

-How come Eminem didn’t have blonde hair during 8-Mile? Because when Chuck Norris found out that Em was going to make a shitty movie, he round-house kicked him so hard in the face that the peroxide fell out of Em’s head.

-World Wars are actually over which country has to tell Chuck Norris to stop roundhouse kicking people

-Chuck Norris has never given birth to a child, not because he can’t but because the world isn’t ready…

-In reality Chuck Norris has no name. He killed it.

-chuck norris types 300 words per minute by looking at the keyboard.

-chuck norris invented my space to find people he hasent round house kicked in the face yet

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

-A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

-Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

-Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

-Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there

-Chuck Norris is Biologically his own Father

-chuck norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. how ever many fucken licks he wants

-the dinosaurs werent killed by a meteor, chuck norris just didnt like their faces so he killed them all with a simple round house kick

-A horse once bucked Chuck Norris, he simply looked at the horse, and it turned itself to glue, bottled itself, stocked itself in the nearest hobbie store

-When designing the iPod, Steve Jobs went to Chuck Norris for advice. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Steve in the face. Steve barely survived but the result was the click-wheel

-Chuck norris scared the black out of micheal jackson
-superman is weakened by kryptonite. kryptonite is weakened by chuck norris

-When police arrive at a the scene of a murder and find Chuck Norris with blood on his hands, they promptly apologize for wasting his time.

-Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris has a twin brother. His name is God.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t kick puppies. He stares at them until they fly into the nearest wall.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t pay for anything. Instead, he hands cashiers a note that says “I’ll kill your children and use their corpses as ventriloquist dolls.”

-Before invading Iraq, the US government considered sending in Chuck Norris solo, but they didn’t want to get accused of committing crimes against humanity.

-Every morning for breakfast, Chuck Norris has 2 eggs, 2 pieces of white toast, a Vietnamese toddler and a glass of o.j.

-The leading cause of death in the U.S. is Chuck Norris.

-By the time you finish reading this sentence, Chuck Norris will have killed 74 more people.

-Chuck Norris is your idol, whether you like it or not.

-It is 97% likely that Chuck Norris is your real father.

-Bulletproof vests are constructed from fibers of Chuck Norris’ beard.

-If you’re still alive, its because Chuck Norris hasn’t gotten around to killing you… yet.

-The FDA has decided to rename anabolic steroids. It will now be know as “Chuck Norris juice.”

-Chuck Norris performs abortions with his beard.

-Chuck Norris’ rank in martial arts is so high, they haven’t invented a color for the belt marking his degree of mastery.

-Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked the deputy in the face, shattering his spine.

-“Uzi” is Israeli for “Chuck Norris.”

-Milton Bradley is developing a Chuck Norris board game, “A Day in the Life of Chuck Norris.��? The premise of the game is simple: hand-to-hand combat until you are the only one left alive. It is recommended that you not play with loved ones or Chuck Norris.

-If he were to be handed a picture of you, Chuck Norris could stare at the picture until you spontaneously combust.

-CBS is currently working on Survivor: Chuck Norris. This edition of Survivor entails a single hour-long episode during which 30 people will be dropped off on an island and must survive Chuck Norris’ wrath for 1 hour. Thus far, none of their test contestants have made it longer than 18 seconds.

-Chuck Norris once walked in front of a mirror and saw his one reflection. He shouted:”no one out stares the CHUCK”. Chuck Norris is still staring.

-Chuck Norris sued Burger King for not making it “his way,” because “his way” required his Whopper to have razors in it.

-Before there was email, Chuck Norris would tie messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

-When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “boo-ya!”

-The grass is always greener on the other side; Unless Chuck Norris has been there, then the grass is likely stained with blood and tears.

-Sharks don’t live in the ocean because they breathe water. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn’t.

-The Neverending Story ended because Chuck Norris told it to.

-Chuck Norris uses his own currency. The ROUNDHOUSE kick.

-Chuck Norris Does not study martial arts, martial arts is the study of Chuck Norris

-Chuck Norris could kill your entire family just by day dreaming about them.

-Chuck Norris never has to do laundry. The dirt jumps off of his clothing because he tells it to.

-One time, Chuck Norris went on the Muppet Show.

However, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem band didn’t do his song right, so he killed all of the muppets, tore of their skin, and made a funny hat. That is why the Muppet Show got cancelled.

-Chuck Norris never has to iron his clothes, he just threatens them stiff.

-One time, Chuck Norris looked up into the sky and stared really hard at our second moon, which made it burst in to flames. That is how the sun was created.

-There are only two kinds of people in the world besides Chuck Norris: people too afraid to fight him and mutilated dead people.

-Chuck Norris once roundhoused kicked a roundhouse kick. The result was Bruce Lee.

-Chuck Norris had a son. His son died when he was 21. Chuck brought him back to life again, then Roundhouse kicked him in the face(killing him again) for dying.

-Chuck Norris broke his leg one day. He merely chuckled, chewed it off, and grew another one

-in the jungle, the mighty jungle, chuck norris waits for you

-Chuck norris doesnt take candy from babies, He roundhouse kicks them

-Chuck Liddell challenged Chuck Norris to a deathmatch to show the world once and for all who was the Alpha Chuck. The match lasted 8 seconds, and consisted of one uncontested roundhouse kick. 43 minutes later and 100 miles away, Liddell’s head smashed through the window of his girlfriend’s house and landed on her dinner plate with Chuck Norris’s phone number carved into his forehead. She called.

-someone once told Chuck Norris Christmas was more about giving than recieving…Chuck obliged by giving everyone roundhouse kicks to the face

-crop circles are chuck norris’s way of telling the world that corn needs to lie the fuck down

-All black people allow Chuck Norris to call them nigga.

Chuck Norris has danced with the devil in the pale moon light.

The reason E.T. wanted to phone home so bad was because he didn’t want to be the first alien to be killed by a roundhouse.

-On the 6th day God created Chuck Norris.

On the 7th day God did not rest, he was knocked unconscious by way of roundhouse kick for not creating Chuck Norris on the first day.

-One day mr. t and Chuck Norris walked into a bar.The bar instantly was vapoorized beacause what level of awesomness can not be contained in one building

-Chuck Norris and only Chuck Norris knows the meaning of life

-chuck norris has his own country on an island in the south pacific called norrisonia, where he is raising clones of himself to roundhouse kick every one of us.

This is so horrible

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:45:00 +0000

Moooo

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:43:00 +0000

An incredible story of luck and inspiration!!

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 10:01:00 +0000

Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK!!!!

I didn't get my facebook fix

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 05:39:00 +0000

confused identities

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:43:00 +0000

You know it will just happen

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:43:00 +0000

TWINKLE...TWINKLE LITTLE STAR in Different Indian Languages

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:42:00 +0000

Old Ukrainian Bag

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:06:00 +0000

Japanese Health Care

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:39:00 +0000

Call Centre conversation

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:32:00 +0000

Call to technical support:
Caller:               Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service:   What is wrong with it?
Caller:                Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service:   Mouse? And how it is related to printer?
Caller:               Mmmm.. Wait, I will send a picture.

Wotcha doing?

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 05:41:00 +0000

That’s my girl!

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 05:39:00 +0000

Lessons taken from porn

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 05:26:00 +0000

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the slightest problem with you jamming your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
31. Every guy has a penis as big as peter north.
32. All women are completely bald.
33. Women really don't mind being picked up off the street and then fucked in a moving van.
34. Any girl with pigtails is a teen.
35. Any other girl is a MILF.

That’s a hardass

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 22:19:00 +0000

A drug dealer who refused to go to the toilet for 16 days to avoid producing the evidence that would convict him has been jailed for 52 months.

Damien Ankrah, 28, placed the drugs in condoms and swallowed them to avoid detection, Swansea Crown Court heard.

The judge heard that after police in Pembrokeshire arrested him during a drugs operation, he refused to eat for days to avoid going to the toilet.

Ankrah, from Liverpool, admitted possessing heroin.

David Lindsay, prosecuting, told the court - sitting at Swansea Guildhall - that Ankrah's stubbornness took up an "inordinate" amount of police time and resources.

Ankrah was arrested in Haverfordwest on 13 July as part of a police operation uncovering new drugs suppliers coming into Pembrokeshire.

Food refusal

He was taken to Pembroke Dock police station, where he refused food or drink in his cell.

An officer was stationed full time outside his cell door and powers used to extend his detention.

Ankrah eventually began to accept drinks after local magistrates granted police more time to detain him and on 17 July he started to eat again.

On 29 July he went to the toilet and produced five bags of heroin.

The court heard that when Ankrah was arrested he told officers he did not have any drugs on him and said he would co-operate with a strip search.

No drugs were found, even following an examination by a police surgeon.

But Ankrah's mobile telephone revealed text messages showing he was clearly involved in supplying heroin.

It was rather misguided and it could have been fatal

Judge Peter Heywood

Jim Davis, defending, said his client "was a man of some strength and determination", as his refusal to go to the toilet illustrated.

He added that both Ankrah's grandmother and mother had been heroin addicts.

Judge Peter Heywood said Ankrah's willingness to put his life at risk showed his determination to keep the heroin concealed.

"It was rather misguided and it could have been fatal," he said.

"Had these packages burst he would have found himself at death's door."

Ankrah admitted possessing heroin, with a street value of £3,200, with intent to supply.

It was his third offence for drug trafficking.

Clear message

Following the case, Det Sgt Richard Lewis of Dyfed Powys Police said: "Drug dealers often go to extreme lengths to hide their drugs from police, even placing them inside their bodies.

"However Dyfed Powys Police are warning that even this doesn't mean their drugs will not be discovered.

"Police have lawful powers which enable them to detain a person in custody who is suspected of secreting drugs within their body for as long as is absolutely necessary.

"This legislation has proved invaluable. It sends a clear message to drug dealers that there really is no place to hide."

Having a BAD day.

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 22:19:00 +0000

A little guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home."
He continues, crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

Password

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:48:00 +0000

A company was doing a security audit of its network.
During the audit, it was discovered that one woman's password was "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy."
The auditors asked why she had such a long password.
The blonde replied that she was told that passwords must contain at least eight characters.

Going Pear Shaped

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:41:00 +0000

Idiots guide to…

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:08:00 +0000

Well Well Well

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 10:14:00 +0000

No Smoking

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 10:01:00 +0000

Pets dont belong on beds…

noreply@blogger.com (BD) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:50:00 +0000