Television Without Pity would have you believe this show is not funny. Ignore them, it’s hilarious.

This weekend, I learned that Byzantine is secure enough in who he is to go to Blockbuster on a Saturday evening, by himself, and rent the teen vampire romance (vampmance? romire?) movie “Twilight” for us to watch.

No, really!

Have we lost our minds, you may wonder? Are we jealous that the word “tween” hadn’t yet been invented when we were that age, so we want to find out what we are missing? Did Fussypants abruptly advance in age by a decade and insist we let her watch it?

No, actually we watched the movie with the accompanying Rifftrax, which was very funny. I doubt either of us could have sat through the movie without it. You would have to come into the movie very, very invested in watching Edward and Bella (the two main characters, if you didn’t know, and I love what you’ve done with the bottom of that rock) stare at each other.

Staaaarrrrreeee and staaaarrrrreeee and staaaaaaarrrrrrrrreeeeee. For really really looooooonnnggggg periods of time. And very, very frrrreeeeeequuueeeentlllllyyyyy.

That is basically all that happens in this movie, really, I am not exaggerating. That is what the movie is about. A couple of other things happen briefly towards the beginning and end, but what the movie is about is Edward and Bella staring at each other.

So anyway, what I liked:

1. Jacob! Yup, I’m in the Jacob camp. (He’s a werewolf, and Edward is a vampire, and they don’t like each other, or something. But the important thing is he seems like a pretty nice normal guy, while Edward seems like kind of an idiot.)

2. The damp Pacific Northwest woods reminded me of the X-Files.

3. The evil vampire coven. They provide the main conflict in the story, although they receive about 5 minutes of total screen time out of this two-hour movie, because the movie is not about them (see above) although they are by far the most interesting characters.

4. The yummy looking diner food Bella and her dad are always eating.

5. The Bella actress has very pretty hair.

What I didn’t like…well, I’m not 13, I’ve never read the books, and my cat stares at me like 14 hours a day so I get enough staring already. But the movies aren’t for me. I don’t have any philosophical problem with them, when I was that age it was just something else we were swooning over, and it was probably something on tv (Kirk Cameron, I think, although I can’t really believe it myself) rather than books, so at least the kids are reading these days. So go hit the library, kids, and get off my lawn.

I’ve rated the Rifftrax above, since giving Twilight a star rating would imply I have an opinion about it.

So Byz, do you have any reflections on the movie (vampire joke haha)?

“George Michael… let’s deal some drugs.” —Gob Bluth, Arrested Development

Hey kids, are you considering dealing some drugs? Just pop this handy playlist* into your music player of choice and Just Say No.** (Links go to low-quality Youtube videos.)

1. Queensryche, The Needle Lies
2. K’s Choice, Not an Addict
3. Nine Inch Nails, Ruiner
4. Megadeth, Use the Man
5. The Dandy Warhols, Not if You Were the Last Junkie on Earth
6. Alice in Chains, God Smack
7. Pearl Jam, Habit
8. Guns N’ Roses, Mr. Brownstone

Any additions to the list? Anyone else want to try a themed playlist? (Or counter this with a Go Do Drugs playlist?)

* playlist limited to songs that are in Byzantine’s music library. If you have a favorite anti-drug song that isn’t in this list, you should ask yourself why you listen to music that sucks so bad it’s not in Byzantine’s music library.

** not responsible for songs in the above list that are actually subversively suggesting that you should do drugs.

But enough about that. An issue far more important to all parents of small children, is what to watch/listen to while the kid’s awake. Such listening material must adhere to the following criteria: 1) it must not give the child nightmares (no Smoke Monster during the daylight hours); 2) it must not make it preferable for you to sever your own optical nerve/ reach into your ears to crush your own eardrums rather than experience that again. Here’s what we’ve tried so far:

The Wiggles: When young Fussypants became old enough to become a consumer of popular culture, I had to draw upon my very limited knowledge of current childrens’ shows to find something for her, and recalled a weird video I once happened to catch. Since Netflix had some instant-view Wiggles videos available, I tried Sing a Song of Wiggles first. It was…excruciating. Adults can’t watch this, at least this one can’t. But, anything for Fussypants, so I persevered. I don’t know if You Make Me Feel Like Dancing and Wiggle Bay are actually entertaining or if I’m just desensitized, but either way, I don’t mind sitting through them.

Barney & Friends: No. No. Just…no. (But she loves it of course.)

Thomas the Tank Engine: Oh, to be an anthropomorphic piece of machinery on an imaginary island, what a blissful life it would be! It creeps me out when George Carlin is the narrator, and I’m not sure why a small island needs such an overdeveloped infrastructure, but otherwise this is good stuff. It also reminds me of my trip to England in the year 11 BF.

Clifford, the Big Red Dog: You might recognize the voice of Clifford as John Ritter, of Three’s Company. You might also recognize the voice of Cleo as Freddiefrom A Different World. Or, alternatively, you might not be as old as I am. Regardless, I like that big red freak of nature.

Speaking of being old, now seems like a good time for an Old Lady Rant: I had exactly one children’s album growing up, an 8-track of Sesame Street Fever (and wish I still had it), and VCRs hadn’t even been invented yet. I watched whatever show happened to be on PBS when I got leave to watch television, and that’s the way we liked it! I’m a Grumpy Old Woman!

And now, turning to music:

They Might Be Giants goes without saying of course. You don’t even need the kids’ albums, if I can ever find Flood, I expect that to become Fussy’s new favorite.

Mr. Froggy’s Friends’ ABCs: The title pretty much says it all really. But I am impressed by their not onlygetting the apostrophe in the right place for both possessives, but also didn’t put an apostrophe between ABC and s. Now that’s genius.

Byz found this album more sinister. He wondered why the singer purported to converse with Mr. Froggy, although Mr. Froggy himself never speaks. Who is this Mr. Froggy, he wondered?

Well, I can’t think of any other kid media we’ve experienced around here right now, but that’s because a two-year-old is about to collapse into tears because I’m not making a plush bear give a check-up to a plush monkey. So I can’t really think at all.

Contact is made and he works to earn respect from the populace and from the chief / chief’s wife in particular. Fortunately the chief’s daughter speaks some English and he hangs with her a lot, eventually boning her and falling in love. By pulling off a few daring feats of courage he wins respect from all but the primary warrior guy, who is jealous, protective, and angry.

Eventually he embraces their ways and makes the emotional jump to favoring them over his old allegiance. This becomes significant when his previous people begin pushing the new people out of their territory. He fights hard with his new friends. They love him and accept him fully. He becomes one of them.

… oh wait, that’s Dances with Wolves, sorry about that.

Contains some fairly minor spoilers for the series. via.

1) the gratuitous use of the word “yeah.” (Seriously. Lazy Friday afternoon activity: count the number of times “yeah” occurs in, say, this song.)
2) Nobody else can make their guitars sound like they’re… slouching from riff to riff like that.

And sure enough, it’s Alice in Chains, sans the late Layne Staley. Give it a listen:

I’ll let the critics decide whether they’re jumping the shark or making a killer comeback. As for me, I’ll just kick back and pretend it’s 1992 and I’m hiding my Dirt cassette tape behind my AD&D Dungeon Master’s Guide. (I was never sure exactly what was being depicted on that album cover, but it seemed like something my parents didn’t need to see.) Sing it with me: aww yeah.