PANEL ONE: BIGFOOT! and the LOCH NESS MONSTER! With WEAPONS!

CAPTION: Tonight! BIG FOOT vs. THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

PANEL TWO: They're in a Roman-style arena, squaring off.

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, witness... THE ULTIMATE BRAWL!

CROWD: YAHH!
CROWD: KILL!

PANEL THREE: Bigfoot is making intense eye contact.

PANEL FOUR: Nessie isn't backing down.

PANEL FIVE: They kiss!

ANNOUNCER: Nooo! Stop! Fight! Why won't you fight?!

CROWD: Boo
CROWD: Boo!
CROWD: Aww

PANEL SIX: Nessie is deep in labor as Bigfoot pulls them into the hospital.

CAPTION: Nine months later...

PANEL SEVEN: The doctor delivers their child, a monstrous hybrid.

Caption: And that's where a platypus comes from!

PANEL EIGHT: Uncle Metalhead is explaining this to his nephew.

NEPHEW: Okay, so where do bigfoots come from?

UNCLE METALHEAD: Bigfoots don't exist, silly

PANEL ONE: CHESTER stands at the threshold of a small bare room. In the foreground, a GREEN-DICKED FLIPPER perches on the sofa. BENJAMIN is arriving behind him.

BENJAMIN: Wow, a green-dicked flipper!
CHESTER: Huh, so it is!
CHESTER: I'll get a broom

PANEL TWO: Two shot.

BENJAMIN: What? No, they're almost extinct!
BENJAMIN: We gotta protect it!
CHESTER: I dunno, we were gonna rent this room out…
BENJAMIN: Come on, what’s the worst that could--

PANEL THREE: Benjamin goes to get some cereal BUT THE BOX IS EMPTY. The bird stares at him in front of a bowl of cereal.

PANEL FOUR: The living room is completely destroyed and covered in bird shit.

PANEL FIVE: Benjamin yells at the bird while covering his ears. The bird sits on the bed, talking on Skype with its relative overseas, both screaming in their indecipherable bird language.

PANEL SIX: Benjamin opens the door to his bedroom. A woman is in his bed. She is pretty naked. The bird is sitting on her chest. They are both staring at Benjamin.

PANEL SEVEN: Benjamin stands in front of Chester and Roommate 3.

BENJAMIN: --all over it AGAIN! And THEN he used my dissertation for his NEST!
CHESTER: Yeah, I think he's probably gotta go.
BIRD (from off-panel): Hey...

PANEL EIGHT: The bird speaks. He is crying a little.

BIRD: I’m sorry, you guys! It’s just been a rough year, you know? I mean, with the economy and everything... and my mom, she's got a real bad case of bird flu... my girlfriend left me for a hawk.... there just ain't that many green-dicked flippers left...
BIRD: I guess I’ve just been acting out, you know?

PANEL NINE: Benjamin isn’t buying it.

BENJAMIN: There’s like four million of you little bastards in the Amazon alone! I googled it!
BENJAMIN: T-t-those are TURQUOISE-dicked flippers--
ROOMMATE 3: Ben...

PANEL TEN: The roommates stare at Benjamin, who is looking a little cray-cray.

BENJAMIN: ENOUGH! I'm sick of his crap!
BENJAMIN: I WANT HIM OUT!
BENJAMIN: Either HE goes or--

PANEL ELEVEN: Benjamin stands outside in the rain with his luggage. Inside, the bird stares back at him.

PANEL TWELVE: The bird flips him off.

PANEL ONE: A grey apocalyptic waste. Have you seen The Road? Watch The Road.

FATHER: boy...
FATHER: ...come closer, boy

PANEL TWO: The father is on his deathbed inside their hideout. The boy maintains a tearful vigil.

FATHER: It's no good, boy... I'm done for...
BOY: No! Don't say that!
FATHER: I'm sorry...

PANEL THREE: Close on the father offering profound wisdom.

FATHER: promise me you'll follow our code..
BOY: I will! I swear!
FATHER: and don't forget... the CAESAR METHOD...
BOY: w-what's the Caesar Method?

PANEL FOUR: The father’s hand touches the boy’s hat.

FATHER: s-seize her...
FATHER: SQUEEZE HER...
FATHER: pump her...

PANEL FIVE: The father’s dying gesture is to turn the cap so it faces backward. As his life departs, his collar droops and un-pops.

FATHER: dump... HERrrgkk*
BOY: SOB!

PANEL SIX: The boy heads out into the apocalypse, determined. His cap is backward, his collar is popped, and he is carrying a red cup for some goddamn reason who knows.

PANEL ONE: a girl gets pulled over by a cop

PANEL TWO: the cop at her window

COP Do you know why I pulled you over?
GIRL: I don't know why anyone does anything

PANEL THREE: they stare, brooding on the brutal and yet beautiful mystery that is life. A light rain begins to fall as they contemplate, each lost in their own world.

PANEL ONE: Andy and Paul are sitting at a bar drinking.

ANDY: You spent all of your retirement money.
PAUL: Yep!
ANDY: On GOLD.
PAUL: Sure did!
ANDY: Okay, crazypants.

PANEL TWO: The conversation grows heated!

PAUL: Well excuse me for not subscribing to your FIAT CURRENCY delusions!
ANDY: What the hell are you even talking about?
PAUL: You won't be so cocky when my gold still has its value after society collapses!

PANEL THREE: Paul being very cocky.

ANDY: What's going to happen to society?!
PAUL: I have no idea!
PAUL: But I'll be READY! I'm ready for ANYTHING!

PANEL FOUR: Paul goes downstairs to his secret gold vault to check on his gold. It’s pretty much all gone! Feral leprechauns stare at him surprised. One is eating a gold bar like it is chocolate.

PAUL: okay
PAUL: ALMOST anything

PANEL ONE: Officer Benjamin Barley is standing in front of a crime scene speaking with Sergeant Bossman.

BOSSMAN: Great work, boyo! Looks like these pirates are going from STEALIN' blockbusters... to bustin' blocks!
BOSSMAN: ...on the CHAIN GANG
BARLEY: Thank you, sir

PANEL TWO: Hesitantly, Barley prepares to make his case.

BOSSMAN: Something wrong, Barley?
BARLEY: Honestly, sir? I've been on copyright detail for nearly three years
BARLEY: I think I'm ready for something bigger

PANEL THREE: Bossman thinks about it. Barley is excited.

BOSSMAN: well...
BOSSMAN: I DO have an undercover spot on my exclusive new taskforce...
BOSSMAN: but are you sure you're ready? To RUN with the BIG DOGS?
BARLEY: Oh wow! Yes, sir! I'm in! What's the job?

PANEL FOUR: The lieutenant gazes off into the distance. Barley is very confused.

BOSSMAN: In the criminal justice system, crimes involving adorable animals often FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS
BARLEY: what?
BOSSMAN: In New York City, there is an elite squad of detectives who bring these offenders to justice
BARLEY: wait WHAT?
BOSSMAN: These are their stories

PANEL FIVE: the LAW & ORDER: ADORABLE MISCHIEF UNIT logo

SFX: DONK DONK

PANEL SIX: Barley is dressed like a puppy. He is in a cage. The cage is at a pet show. Another puppy gives him a suspicious glare -- it knows a cop when it sees one.

BARLEY: what are YOU looking at?

PANEL ONE: In the basement of the Library of Congress, original character NOT RICHARD LONGDAN studies a dusty treasure map, which he's just discovered.

PANEL TWO: Richard runs through Venice, trailed by his USELESS LOVE INTEREST.

PANEL THREE: Richard fights a neo-Nazi on a gondola that is about to go down a waterfall on the Amazon, as the wind blows a flurry of cash out of a cracked-open briefcase. The Useless Love Interest is splayed uselessly on the deck of the gondola.

PANEL FOUR: Richard approaches an Egyptian pyramid which is built into the wall of an ice cave. ULI gasps as a fierce polar bear steps out from a thicket of stalagmites.

PANEL FIVE: Richard holds a torch up to an ancient message written on a wall.

WALL: The greatest treasure of all is believing in yourself.

PANEL SIX: Richard makes a face.

PANEL ONE: A PIRATE holds aloft a vicious gold-plated rapier, as his ship comes alongside a merchant vessel. His rich, piratey beard is bristling with assorted knives.

PIRATE: Yarrr! Avast, and prepare to be boarded, ye scurvy dogs! Yer booty belongs to the dread pirate KNIFEBEARD now!

PANEL TWO: The ocean EXPLODES, giving way to an vast upward-rushing form.

SFX: FWOOOOOOOOSHH

PIRATE: !

PANEL THREE: Pull back to reveal the towering POSEIDON, who has apparently been wearing the merchant ship as a hat.

PANEL FOUR: The pirate waves his hand, dismissively.

PIRATE: ...you are free to go.

PANEL ONE: Scott works on something on his computer with Liz. He is annoyed. OFFICE RACCOON is sitting on the wall of his cubicle like animals do on fences.

SCOTT: So then you--
OFFICE RACCOON: RRRNK
OFFICE RACCOON: HNNK MROWP MROWP
SCOTT: -- just move this over to--
OFFICE RACCOON: CHRP SCREECH
SCOTT: RRRGH GOD

PANEL TWO: Scott gives up. OFFICE RACOON nearly slips off the cubicle!

SCOTT: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN HIRE A RACCOON
LIZ: I heard he’s related to the CEO?
SCOTT: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
SCOTT: THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE

PANEL THREE: OMG THE CEO IS AN ADORABLE RED PANDA. He is at the head of a big conference table, with a sweet-ass view behind him.

PANEL FOUR: THE ADORABLE RED PANDA IS NOW WAVING HIS LITTLE PAWS IN THE AIR! IT IS SHOCKINGLY ADORABLE!

ADORABLE RED PANDA: meep!

PANEL ONE: Office raccoon and a large orange tabby square off atop a traffic barrier in the parking lot, posturing and growling. Both animals are battered and wounded, their fur matted with blood.

GARFIELD: MMRRROWWWORRRRR

OFFICE RACCOON: SQUONK GRRRRR

PANEL TWO: They clash, tumbling off the short concrete wall. The cat claws at Office Raccoon, whose his paw comes away with a wad of fur.

GARFIELD: RRRRRMRREEEEOWWRRRR!

OFFICE RACCOON: HRRRR!

PANEL THREE: Grappling on the ground, Office Raccoon fights to get his arms around the cat's struggling body, and keep those gnashing fangs away from his own throat.

OFFICE RACCOON: HHHNNNNRRR!

GARFIELD: FFFFFFT!

OFFICE RACCOON: HNNNNNK!

GARFIELD: SNRRRRRRL!

PANEL FOUR: Office Raccoon clamps onto the cat's throat with his jaws, and its neck with one arm, and pulls in opposite directions. The cat's body relaxes, its neck broken.

GARFIELD: REEEEEEOOO

SFX: CRK

PANEL FIVE: Office Raccoon drags the cat's limp carcass underneath a nearby parked car.

OFFICE RACCOON: HRR... HRR... HRR...

PANEL SIX: The office gang have been watching with horror from a second-story window. Only the boss seems unfazed.

BOSS: See? That's what I'm talking about

BOSS: Aggressive!

PANEL ONE: Low angle. Office Raccoon has gotten his paws on a jumbo size jar of nuts that says SCOTT on it (of course.)

PANEL TWO: He sees Scott getting ready to leave work for the night.

PANEL THREE: In the parking lot, Scott and Liz are getting into their cars. Office Raccoon, silhouetted in a second-story window, watches them go.

PANEL FOUR: Inside the darkened office, Office Raccoon places one little paw on the glass.

PANEL ONE: Scott sits in front of his boss, who is happy to see him.

BOSS: Hey Scott! Glad to see you’re applying for team lead!
SCOTT: Are you kidding? It comes with a corner office!
BOSS: Ha ha!

PANEL TWO: The boss leans back, relaxed.

BOSS: Okay, let’s start this off light:
BOSS: If you could be any kind of animal, what kind of animal would you be?

PANEL THREE: Scott thinks deeply.

SCOTT: Well, I guess I'd be a wolf?
SCOTT: strong hunter, aggressive, but very loyal to the pack.

PANEL FOUR: The boss is looks down at his clipboard.

BOSS: Wow, that's great. That's a great, great answer.
BOSS: Unfortunately? Not the answer we're looking for.

PANEL FIVE: Scott glares at Office Raccoon through the window of Office Raccoon’s sweet new corner office.

OFFICE RACCOON: hnnrrrk

PANEL ONE: Scott, trying to work, is distracted by an unusual sound. Office Raccoon has gotten his head stuck in an empty peanut-butter jar, and is rushing around the office blindly.

OFFICE RACCOON: hnnk hnnk chrrrk

PANEL TWO: Office Raccoon bumps into a file cabinet. Scott turns his chair around to watch.

SFX: DONK!

PANEL THREE: Scott continues to enjoy the show, as Office Raccoon stumbles backwards in alarm.

OFFICE RACCOON: HRR HNN SNNNRRL

PANEL THREE: Scott and Liz chat casually in the break room, while Office Raccoon follows an instinct to climb to safety.

LIZ: How's working with the raccoon going?

SCOTT: Oh, it's not all bad

OFFICE RACCOON: hrr hnnk hnnk

OFFICE RACOON 4: THE EYE OF BRAXUS

PANEL ONE: Office Raccoon stands in front of Scott’s trash can.

SCOTT: Don’t.

PANEL TWO: Office Raccoon stares at Scott. Scott is super serious.

SCOTT: Don’t.

PANEL THREE: Office Raccoon puts his paw on Scott’s trash can.

SCOTT: DON’T.

PANEL FOUR: Office Raccoon, having tipped over the trash, now roots through it.

SCOTT: God dammit.

OFFICE RACCOON 2: DARK SIDE OF THE TRASH CAN

PANEL ONE: Scott is on the phone at his desk. He reaches toward one of the drawers in his desk.

SCOTT: Yes, that’s right. Just lemme grab the prospectus--

PANEL TWO: Scott rears back startled as OFFICE RACCOON lunges out of his drawer!

OFFICE RACOON: HISS
SCOTT: AAAAH!

PANEL THREE: OFFICE RACOON dashes away with the prospectus between his teeth!

SCOTT: HEY!
SCOTT: I NEED THAT! GET BACK HERE!

PANEL FOUR: Closer on Scott. Liz leans over the cubicle to see what is going on.

SCOTT: why would you do that
SCOTT: you’re a raccoon
SCOTT: raccoons do not need prospectuses

PANEL FIVE: The BOSS kneels down and yanks the prospectus away from Office Raccoon, who was about to carry it through a hole in the wall.

BOSS: Hey, what's that in your mouth? Lemme see that!
BOSS: Is that thee prospectus Scott was supposed to finish?!

PANEL SIX: The boss holds up the tattered document. OFFICE RACCOON clearly wants it back.

BOSS: Great work, little guy! You get a raise!
OFFICE RACCOON: HHNNR! HNKSNRK!
BOSS: Okay, two raises!

PANEL ONE: Scott Davis is standing in front of the refrigerator. He is annoyed.

SCOTT: Dangit!

PANEL TWO: Scott looks around the cafeteria for the culprit.

SCOTT: Who took my yogurt?!

PANEL THREE: Pan to the table toward the end. OFFICE RACCOON sits there, with pink yogurt on his face and his adorable little pawwws—next to Liz, who is eating a salad.

SCOTT: LIZ?!?!
LIZ: Seriously?

PANEL FOUR: Scott points at Liz accusingly. Office Raccon just stares. Liz tries to ignore him, but is annoyed.

OFFICE RACCOON: Rrrsnrkt!
OFFICE RACCOON: Snorchpsnrt
SCOTT: DAMMIT RACCOON
SCOTT: DON’T YOU COVER FOR HER

STRIP ONE

PANEL ONE: Pete Soloway, Jacob Mercy, and David Chelsea share an exhibitor's table at Stumptown Comics Fest in Portland, Oregon. Pete is off in his own little world, drawing raccoon after raccoon.

CHELSEA: Hey, I'm going to my panel. Can you watch my table?

MERCY: Sure!

PANEL TWO: A fan approaches. Jacob greets him, while Pete draws another raccoon.

FAN: Hello, Mr. Chelsea! I'm

MERCY: I'M DAVID CHELSEA AND THE HOLOCAUST NEVER HAPPENED

PANEL THREE: Chelsea returns from his panel. His side of the table is now on fire. Jacob is gone. Pete looks up from his latest raccoon.

CHELSEA: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO WATCH MY TABLE

SOLOWAY: We did!

STRIP TWO

PANEL ONE: Pete Soloway is at his desk at Pizza Gun Inc. World Headquarters, talking on the phone to Jacob Mercy, and typing furiously.

SOLOWAY: JACOB

MERCY: Hey Pete, what's up--

SOLOWAY: I was just checking the till and we're short by ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS

PANEL TWO: Pete slams the phone down, cutting Jacob off mid-sentence.

MERCY: Well, did you--

SOLOWAY: NO TIME TO TALK!

PANEL THRE: Pete interrogates some random guy with a car battery.

SOLOWAY: Alright, you dirtbag! Where is the money

GUY: What money

SOLOWAY: THE MONEY YOU STOLE FROM PIZZA GUN

GUY: What's a pizza gun

PANEL FOUR: Deep in the Pizza Gun, Inc. Corporate archives, Pete pores over a bulletin board covered in photos and string—trying to draw connections between various players and elements.

SOLOWAY: Dammit! I'm so close, but this just doesn't add up! I think this might go all the way to the TOP

PANEL FIVE: To cover his tracks, Pete has set the Pizza Gun, Inc. building afire.

SOLOWAY: NO ONE MUST EVER KNOW!

PANEL SIX: As Pete wraps up some final loose ends, Jacob finally tracks him down.

MERCY: Did you count the money we gave to Chelsea?

SOLOWAY: Oh yeah!

PANEL ONE: Our hero, MARIO, bounds furiously through the occupied Mushroom Kingdom, leaving a trail of desolation in his path. Neither man nor mushroom will deter him from his objective.

PANEL TWO: Mario ruthlessly executes KING KOOPA, forcing him down into the lake of fire. Having torn his way through decoy after decoy, he has long since run out of patience.

PANEL THREE: Mario approaches the grateful and fawning PRINCESS TOADSTOOL. He is fishing in his pocket for something.

PANEL FOUR: Mario hands the Princess a creased and tattered note. Taken off-guard, she begins to unfold it.

PANEL FIVE: The princess reads the note...

INVOICE
super mario bros. plumbing services
family owned and operated

unclog drain ............. $120
faucet (full replacement)..$20

site visit
(x 8)........... $60

pipe flange.................$20
faucets (x8)...............$300
fire flowers: provided no charge

PANEL ONE: A sheep in a field.

PANEL TWO: The sheep hears a strange sound! He looks around, confused.

SFX: VRRRRRRRRRRRR

PANEL THREE: A teenage angel, arms spread wide, flies over the sheep who runs in terror.

ANGEL 1: RRRRRREEEEOOOOORRRRAAAHAHAHA

PANEL FOUR: The teenage angel flies back up to his friend, Teen Angel 2, who is sitting on a cloud and laughing so hard he might pee.

TEEN ANGEL 2: ha ha ha oh my god
TEEN ANGEL 1: ha ha ha I know
TEEN ANGEL 2: I’m so glad we died in that car accident
TEEN ANGEL 1: RIGHT???

PANEL ONE: Monster detective kicks in the door.

SFX: BOOM

PANEL TWO: A villain sitting behind a desk recoils.

VILLAIN: Curses, it's the detective!

PANEL THREE: Detective points a gun at the villain.

DETECTIVE: Give it up, Professor Mustachio! I've got your number this time!

PANEL FOUR: Both standing in front of blackboard with equation on it. Professor Mustachio looks bored and annoyed.

VILLAIN: Well?

Sweat running down Detective's face, brow furrowed, holding chalk up.

DETECTIVE: Relax, ok? I'm thinking.

PANEL ONE: George R.R. Martin sits at a table, smiling and fat, taking a meeting. One of the Showrunners is standing at the other side of the table.

SHOWRUNNER: So George, we're very excited about Game of Thrones
SHOWRUNNER: But we're getting close to the end, and you still haven't released the last book... and, well, we've... heard some things.

PANEL TWO: Close on Showrunner, making an appeal.

SHOWRUNNER: Therrre's no truth to the rumor that you're going to end the series with a 1,200 page orgy of sex and food
SHOWRUNNER: where all of the characters living and dead writhe over each other engaging in increasingly horrific unspeakable acts that would make Caligula weep and the Marquis de Sade vomit with disgust.
SHOWRUNNER: Right?

PANEL THREE: George R.R. Martin sits at a table, smiling and fat. The Showrunner waits for a response.

[No Copy]

PANEL FOUR: George R.R. Martin sits at a table, smiling and fat and now visibly salivating. He licks his lips.

SHOWRUNNER: oh
SHOWRUNNER: oh god

PANEL ONE: A normal day at the bank is interrupted -- by WRESTLEBURGLARS!

RINGLEADER: EVERYBODY DOWN! WE'RE THE WRESTLE BURGLARS
RINGLEADER: AND YOUR ASSES ARE GETTIN' WRESTLEBURGLED

PANEL TWO: Customers kneel as the Wrestleburglars advance.

BABYFACE: HAND OVER THEE LOOT! QUICK! BEFORE I HAVE TO SHOW YOU MY AL CAPONE TOMMY STUN--

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: NOT SO FAST!

PANEL THREE: Cut to what appears to be ordinary if oddly bulky everyday people in suits!

MYSTERIOUS EVERYDAY GUY: You won't be robbing this bank today PUPPYASS!
WRESTLEBURGLAR 1: OH YEAH? WHY’S THAT?!
MYSTERIOUS EVERYDAY GUY: BECAUSE...

PANEL FOUR: The oddly bulky everyday people in suits take off their disguises to reveal -- los luchadores!

EL CABALLERO LOCO: LOS BANDIDOS VOLADORES ESTAMOS AQUI ANTES!
RINGLEADER: RARR! I DON’T THINK SO, SUCKER! TIME TO SEND YOU MUCHACHOS BACK ACROSS THE BORDER!

PANEL FIVE: [AWESOME FIGHT SCENE]

PANEL SIX: Outside, a police captain watches the bank with binoculars. A uniformed officer stands next to him, inquisitive.

OFFICER: Sir, SWAT is on the line! Should we send them in?
CAPTAIN: hell no
CAPTAIN: this is AWESOME

PANEL ONE: Bachelor auction at a high-society charity banquet. On the block is a handsome sexy firefighter, posing handsomely in his sexy firefighter gear.
EMCEE: and last, we have ONE NIGHT with Mike the fireman!
EMCEE: Do I hear ten thousand?

PANEL TWO: Elegant society girl DAISY dives into a furious bidding war with her rival, Salma Chambers. Daisy really wants to date this fireman!
EMCEE: Ten! Do I hear--
EMCEE: I have twenty! do I have thirty--
EMCEE: Thirty to you, miss! Do I have forty?

PANEL THREE:
EMCEE: Forty and--
EMCEE: Oh, and fifty! Going once... going twice...

PANEL FOUR: Daisy seethes as Fireman Mike walks away from the auction block, arm-in-arm with that self-satisfied bitch, Salma.

EMCEE: SOLD, to Miss Chambers, for fifty thousand!
EMCEE: CONGRATULATIONS!

PANEL FIVE: Daisy slumps into her limousine, visibly disappointed.

PANEL SIX: Daisy arrives at her mansion, which is completely on fire. Her husband comes out to greet her.
HUSBAND: Any luck?
DAISY: No
HUSBAND: Aw.

PANEL ONE: A sexy young hipster guy and a sexy young hipster girl are sitting on a couch being super laid back and chill. The guy is smoking and the girl is on her phone.

GUY: I just hate all of these rules you know? SOCIETY
GIRL: Totally
GUY: Hey we should have casual sex
GIRL: Okay
GIRL: But I'm just going to lie there

PANEL TWO: Same as panel one, except they’re slouching even more. They continue to be bored.

GUY: I don't care
GUY: I'm not even going to take off my clothes
GIRL: Good 'cus I'm not even gonna get turned on
GUY: That's fine
GIRL: Whatever

PANEL THREE: The two of them are now halfway off the couch, such is the level of slouching. Still bored.

GUY: I'm not even going to do anything
GUY: I'm just going to think about it
GIRL: yeah baby
GIRL: don't start

PANEL FIVE: The two of them are now lying mostly on the floor, not moving at all, at maximum boredom levels..

GUY: was it 'eh' for you too?
GIRL: hold on
GIRL: I am posting on my sex Tumblr
GUY: ugh
GUY: why bother

PANEL ONE: Close on a happy man in a suit, sitting at table and holding a martini.

MAN (thought balloon): I think this is going so well! But is it a date? Or just a social thing? It's so hard to tell in this crazy mixed-up modern dating scene! Should I ask? I'll ask.

PANEL TWO: Pull back to reveal a woman sitting across from the man. Man is still happy.

MAN: Listen, I’m having a great time -- really
MAN: But I have to know:
MAN: Is this a date?
LAWYER: No. This is a deposition. You are being investigated for securities fraud.

PANEL THREE: Pull back to reveal other lawyer, stenographer.

MAN: Oh.

PANEL FOUR: Man looks sad.

PANEL ONE: Ryan is chatting with his super cool friend Fonzie.

RYAN: I don’t know what to do! She’s awesome, but
RYAN: I just get so nervous around her!

FONZIE: Ha ha, I know what that’s like! Just do what I do:
FONZIE: imagine her pooping

RYAN: … seriously?

PANEL TWO: Ryan is on his second date with the lovely Jessica, and things are clearly going well. Ryan’s gesturing wildly in the midst of a joke, and Jessica’s grinning coyly and doing that thing where she tucks some hair behind her ear. In a thought balloon, Ryan is imagining Jessica taking a dump.

PANEL THREE: Ryan and Jessica are in bed, gently caressing. Ryan is still imagining Jessica pooping, and is starting to become worried over his lack of an exit strategy.

PANEL FOUR: At Ryan and Jessica’s wedding Fonzie and other well-wishers beam at the lucky couple. Ryan is sweating bullets, and picturing Jessica pooping in her lovely wedding dress.

PANEL 1: In the illustration style of the late great Dr. Seuss: two small children, home alone on a rainy day, are having a magical adventure with their anthropomorphic cat friend. In the background: an empty goldfish bowl.

Caption:
“We’ll fly kites in the house!
We’ll have such a ball,
For ‘do what thou wilt’
Is the whole of the law!”

PANEL 2: The kids are posed awkwardly, with various objects balanced on their heads, arms, and feet.

Caption:
“Now balance these things!
Stand still as a post!
Do not resist Meowley,
He loves you the--”

PANEL 3: The kids are lying on the floor of a darkened livingroom, their eyes rolled back in their heads. A calico cat crouches on the boy’s chest, its eerie green eyes locked with his. The boy's soul is leaking from his open mouth, and flowing into the cat's. The kids’ parents are entering through the front door, and just coming to grips with the horror that faces them.

MOM: Margaret? Billy?
MOM: You two better not be playing with that stray again!

SFX: HRRRROMMMMMMMMM

PANEL ONE: Two old people are conversing in chairs.

OLD PERSON ONE: Y'know what really gets my goat? The clothing these young people are wear these days!

OLD PERSON TWO: Oh my yes

OLD PERSON TWO: Work of Satan, if you ask me

PANEL TWO: A young person, dressed conservatively in shorts.

PANEL THREE: Close on the young person's shins, to reveal delicate calligraphic embroidery near the cuffs of his socks.

RIGHT SOCK: Hurt

LEFT SOCK: Everything.

PANEL ONE: Three members of the Thunderbutts, a kids' hockey team, confer rinkside before the big game.

THUNDERBUTT 1: So, do you think we can beat the Titans this year?
THUNDERBUTT 2: I don't think we have a prayer!
THUNDERBUTT 3: Really? Why?
THUNDERBUTT 2: LOOK!

PANEL TWO: A dog skating super good. He was born for the ice!

THUNDERBUTT 2: They've got a DOG on their team!
THUNDERBUTT 1: Is that bad?
THUNDERBUTT 2: Are you kidding? Northridge High had a dog on their team last year, and they went to STATE!
THUNDERBUTT 3: You'd think there'd be a rule about that by now.

PANEL THREE: THUNDERBUTT 2 throws up his arms, agitated. THUNDERBUTT 3 thinks carefully.

THUNDERBUTT 1: Wow, look at that slapshot!
THUNDERBUTT 2: AW MAN! We're gonna get creamed for sure!
THUNDERBUTT 3: Unless...

PANEL FOUR: Cut to: an extremely unhappy tiger getting hockey gear put on him.

THUNDERBUTT 2: State, here we come!
TIGER: RRRRRRRR...
THUNDERBUTT 3: Hurry up, you guys! We're gonna be late for the faceoff!

PANEL ONE: A field with some grass and trees and shit! Sir Crispin and Sir Amrayranenaon are locked in mortal combat! Sir Crispin’s armor is historically accurate. Sir Amrayranenaon’s, uh, not so much.

SIR CRISPIN: God’s blood! We are well-matched, you and I!
SIR AMRAYRANENAON: Aye! Know, o noble knight, that if thou dost fall, I shall sing of your valor from Galden vale to highest Hourenrach!
SIR: Verily! I--

PANEL TWO: Close on Sir Crispin who flips up his visor.

SIR CRISPIN: (hold on sorry it's super hard to hear in this)
SIR CRISPIN: WHERE are you say you’re from?
SIR AMRAYRANENAON (os): I hail from the ARDEMIAN STEPPES!
SIR CRISPIN: thaaat is not a real place.

PANEL THREE: Sir Amrayranenaon looks confused. He is still in his helmet so you are going to have to portray this through body language.

SIR AMRAYRANENAON: Who cares? This is fantasy.
SIR CRISPIN: No, this is HARD fantasy!
SIR AMRAYRANENAON: I know! That’s why I’m from a made-up place!
SIR CRISPIN: No? No! No.

PANEL FOUR: Medium shot, I’m thinking? Sir Crispin has his helmet off, is sweaty, looks exasperated.

SIR CRISPIN: HARD fantasy is where it's the real world but magic exists
SIR AMRAYRANENAON: yeah I think you got that backwards
SIR CRISPIN: yeah I think you don’t know what you’re talking about

PANEL FIVE: Definitely a two-shot now, plus a scary dragon pokes his head into the panel. Or you could try zooming out, I guess.

DRAGON: hey guys sorry to interrupt but I am pretty sure it is actually HIGH and LOW fantasy
SIR CRISPIN: shut up DRAGON!
SIR AMRAYRANENAON: oh man I'm so confused
SIR CRISPIN: there’s only one way to settle this!

PANEL SIX: The knights are sitting down at a computer which we can’t see the back of so we don’t ask questions about like where it’s getting power from and what it’s plugged into. The dragon is poking his head into the frame still, watching them type.

SIR CRISPIN: ...I’ll be damned
DRAGON: I told you so!
SIR AMRAYRANENAON: so how does magical realism fit into all this?

PANEL ONE: A child thinks about what his uncle has just told him.

CHILD: ...oh, okay. But then where do the STORKS come from?

PANEL TWO: The child is sitting next to his uncle, a metalhead.

UNCLE: uh... uh...

PANEL THREE: A heavy metal cover, only with a stork, rising up out of the pits of hell, with a totally awesome heavy metal baby.

PANEL ONE: Beside a window in stately Wayne Manor, brooding billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne and his loyal butler Alfred are brainstorming on the subject of how best to fight crime.

ALFRED: --or how about a bat, sir? I understand criminals to be a superstitious and cowardly lot...
BRUCE: NO, ALFRED!
BRUCE: My decision is final! I've already chosen my costume and everything!

PANEL TWO: Bruce crosses his arm in stubborn opposition.

ALFRED: But sir--
BRUCE: NNO
ALFRED: I just think a bat would--
BRUCE: DON' WANNA BE NO DUMB OL' BAT
ALFRED: Ah, well, what if we COMBINED the two?

PANEL THREE: Princess Batman stands in the Princess Batcave, which is exactly like the regular Batcave except it has a BADASS THRONE and loyal subjects bowing before him.

SUBJECTS: HAIL PRINCESS BATMAN!
PRINCESS BATMAN: HELL YES

PANEL FOUR: At a lovely tea party, Princess Batman takes on a gang of thugs!
THUG 1: IT'S HER MAJESTY DA BAT!
THUG 2: I IS AT ONCE TERRIFIED AN' ENCHANTED!

PANEL FIVE: Princess Batman prepares to beat the shit out of the joker with his royal bat-scepter.

PRINCESS BATMAN: JOKERRR!
JOKER: Wait, WAIT!
PRINCESS BATMAN: WHAT?!
JOKER: I was wondering...

PANEL SIX: Close on the Joker, who is genuinely confused.

JOKER: It's just, if your parents are dead...
JOKER: Shouldn't you be QUEEN Batman?

PANEL SEVEN: Princess Batman thinks about it.

PANEL EIGHT: Princess Batman punches the fuck out of the Joker.

SFX: BOPPO!

PANEL NINE: Back in the Batpalace, Alfred is coronating a pouty Bruce.

ALFRED: There there, Your Majesty
ALFRED: I'm sure Being queen will be nice too
QUEEN BATMAN: IT’S NOT THE SAME!

PANEL ONE: Archibald Biddle, wealthy dilettante and ancestor to Arthur and Alice, peers into the jungle with spectacles. He is poorly dressed for the jungle, in yellow tweed. His faithful guide, Chesterton, is wearing khaki.

ARCHIBALD: I say, Chesterton! Is that a green-dicked flipper I spy?
CHESTERTON: Quite right, sir. Nearly hunted to extinction, they are.

PANEL TWO: Close on the bird doing an adorable little backflip.

ARCHIBALD: Well, that simply won't do! Fetch the net, old boy!
ARCHIBALD: We must protect this specimen for future generations--

PANEL THREE: Close on the bird, screaming.

PANEL FOUR Close on Archibald and Chesterton, looking horrified. The sound bubble for the bird continues.

PANEL FIVE: The sound bubble CONTINUES oh god. Archibald, still horrified, is also now bleeding from his eyes and nose. He is covering his ears but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Chesterton is also clearly affected, but is desperately loading his rifle.

PANEL SIX: A book of birds. A picture of the green-dicked flipper looking cute and harmless. It says “now extinct” underneath its name.

PANEL ONE: A cartoon raccoon dressed like a Roman senator.

RACCOON: ...and if calumny were they warren dark / and vituperation thy squalling brood / no number of descendants born to thee / could prove the equal of thy falsing tongue; / thy legacy shall prove everlasting / if but crooked enough pen canst be found!

PANEL TWO: A cartoon rat dressed like Napoleon.

RAT: Such sorrow mine! That furry Lord saw fit / to curse me with ears to hear such slander / yet allows night's mask to hide shame's crimson! / For I have naught to share but truth and fact: / that backyard e'er has been dominion shared / since our ancestors first--

PANEL THREE: A light flashes on.

SFX: click

PANEL FOUR: Totally normal and not dressed up rats and raccoons dash away as a human swings a broom at them.

HUMAN: Begone, begone! I say--vermin, begone! / Thou art pestilence and pox incarnate-- / an assault on physique and sleep alike! / Remove thyselves from mine presence anon, for some of us have work upon the morn, / and before night's end, I must be abed!

RACCOON: HSSSSS!

RAT: HSSS!

PANEL ONE: Shadowy dudes in suits with lizard heads sit around a table.

LIZARD MAN 1: And do the humansss know we have infiltrated their earth government?
LIZARD MAN 2 (off-panel): They suspect nothing!

PANEL TWO: Lizard man 2 stands in front of a Watchmen style wall of monitors with news about global warming and polar bears and Al Gore and shit.

LIZARD MAN 2: Once our agents persuaded enough earth leaders to deny climate change, the humans warmed their planet for us!
LIZARD MAN 2: Now, it is too late to reverse the process!

PANEL THREE: Close on first lizard man, narrowing his lizard eyes.

LIZARD MAN 1: Well done, my reptiloid brethren!
LIZARD MAN 1: Sssoon we will enter… THE FINAL PHASE!

PANEL FOUR: It is now very warm outside. Several lizard people bask on warm flat rocks. One is wearing sunglasses.

LIZARD PEOPLE: sSsSsSs

PANEL ONE: A man in a suit bends down to speak to DOG.

MAN: Dog, due to a series of circumstances too complex to relate in this brief space, you are now the PRESIDENT! Holy cow!

DOG: I AM A GOOD DOG

MAN: yes you ARE

PANEL TWO: President Dog is in the White House. He is now wearing a suit. One of his advisors enters.

ADVISOR: Sir, the economic forecast is dire!
PRESIDENT DOG: CREATE TENNIS BALL AND CHEW TOY SUBSIDIES IMMEDIATELY!
ADVISOR: that totally fixed it! Great job!

PANEL THREE: President Dog at the head of a meeting.

ADVISOR 2: So the bill would cut wildlife preservation earmarks by--
PRESIDENT DOG: ANIMALS LIVE IN THE FOREST
PRESIDENT DOG: I LIKE TO CHASE ANIMALS
ADVISOR 2: Excellent point, sir!

PANEL FOUR: President Dog is getting his belly rubbed by Vice-President Nice Lady -- but it's a dream!

NICE LADY: you ushered in a glorious everlasting utopia! Good boy! Good boy!

PANEL FIVE: We see the dream bubble pop as Dog wakes up.

PANEL SIX: Dog and Cat have breakfast at their food bowls.

DOG: I had the most wonderfulest dream last night!

CAT: oh yeah?

PANEL SIX: Close on cat, smiling.

CAT: me too...

PANEL SEVEN: Cat's dream: Cat sits at a windowsill, carefully aiming his rifle at President Dog.

PANEL ONE: Arthur and Alice are digging through a box in Uncle B’s basement, which is full of scientific equipment.

ALICE: Shh, keep it down! We can’t let Uncle B know we’re down here in the banned experiments lab!
ARTHUR: I FOUND IT!

PANEL TWO: Arthur holds up an elaborate gizmo that looks like Jack Kirby fucked the Ghostbusters proton pack and had a creepy baby.

ARTHUR: The electro-evanescent dimensional re-modulator!
ALICE: Gasp! Do you really think it can open a gateway to the spirit realm?
ARTHUR: Let's try it and see!

PANEL THREE: Arthur turns on the device. It projects a small dimensional portal into midair.

ARTHUR: Now we can find out what's been haunting the mansion all this time!
ALICE: Is it working? I don’t--
ALICE: Wait! Do you smell that?

PANEL FOUR: A vague something wafts through -- Alice and Arthur are repelled.

ARTHUR: No, I -- ugh! Uuuuugh! WAS THAT YOU?
ALICE: OF COURSE NOT! IT'S COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE!
ALICE: TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
ARTHUR: THE LEVER’S STUCK! RUN!

PANEL FIVE: Arthur and Alice flee in terror.

ALICE: OH MY GOODNESS
ALICE: Ghosts smell TERRIBLE
ARTHUR: I THINK UNCLE B IS GONNA KNOW WE WERE DOWN HERE!

PANEL SIX: The dimensional portal.

GHOSTLY VOICE: huh
GHOSTLY VOICE: huh huh huh

PANEL SEVEN: A ghost diplodocus sticks his head through.

DIPLODOCUS: HUH HUH HUH
DIPLODOCUS: HURRRRRRR

PANEL EIGHT: HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT PIZZA GUN!

PANEL ONE: Richard is having trouble with his obsolete computer.

SFX: click click
RICHARD: ...can’t get this doggone thing to print!
LINDA (calling from the kitchen): DID YOU PUT PAPER IN IT?

PANEL TWO: On the computer screen we can see a Microsoft Publisher window, containing a hideous invitation to their son Michael’s funeral. It’s partially covered up by an error message.

RICHARD (from off panel): No, it won’t let me! Look!
SFX: click click click click

ERROR: Is that you, Dad? What is this place? It’s so cold...

PANEL THREE: Linda has come over and Richard is showing her the screen.

RICHARD: I keep getting this dang error message!
SFX: click click
LINDA: Oh, it’s being haunted by our dead son.

PANEL FOUR: Richard and Linda are now yelling at the computer.

LINDA: MICHAEL! CAN YOU HEAR ME??
RICHARD: MICHAEL THE COMPUTER’S ALL CRASHED! HELP YOUR FATHER GET THIS DOGGONE THING TO PRINT!

PANEL ONE: Two stern cops stand in front of a bulletin board, on which are displayed mug shots of three gangland murder suspects. The first photo is covered up by a "DECEASED" label, the second is James D'Amato, and the third is Okay-Shape Tony.

DETECTIVE 1: We gotta stop the killer before he strikes again!
DETECTIVE 2: Madame LaGoosh, are you SURE this time?
LAGOOSH: Yes, the spirit is very clear now!

PANEL TWO: Consulting medium Madame LaGoosh connects to the ethereal planes by touching her head.

MEDIUM: It's saying... Okay-Shape Tony is COMPLETELY INNOCENT!
MEDIUM: This OTHER man is the one you seek! I'm sure of it!

PANEL THREE: The detectives enter D'Amato's apartment. He seems too dead to be the killer.

PANEL FOUR: Back at the station, the detectives slap a pair of cuffs on the medium.

DETECTIVE 2: YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL, YOU FRAUD!
LAGOOSH: But the spirits! They're never wrong!

PANEL FIVE: Madame LaGoosh is dragged off in cuffs, yelling and protesting. In a nearby alley, the spirit accepts a stack of bills from Okay-Shape Tony.

LAGOOSH: THE SPIRITS ARE NEVER WROOOOOOOOONG!

PANEL ONE: Lisa is sad.

LISA: Oh, Johnny! Why did you have to leave me?
JOHNNY: I didn't! I'm still here!

PANEL TWO: Johnny appears, as a ghost! Lisa is shocked.

JOHNNY: AS A GHOST
SFX: SCHWING

PANEL THREE: Lisa is hopeful.

GIRL: Johnny! Did you come back because ours is a love eternal?
JOHNNY: Well, no. Actually...

PANEL FOUR: Johnny's arm is around his ghost girlfriend, who has suddenly appeared and looks like an 80s slut and is chewing ghost gum.

JOHNNY: I came back because I hate you and I wanted to totally make out with my ghost girlfriend in front of you.
GHOST GIRLFRIEND: I'm a frickin' GHOST!
JOHNNY: she knows, baby

PANEL FIVE: Johnny makes out with his ghost girlfriend. Lisa cries, but can’t stop watching.

GHOSTLY MUSIC: ...OHHHHHH... MYYyyyYYY LOOOOOVE... MY DARLIN’...

PANEL ONE: PAC-MAN rushes down a hallway, enthusiastically tossing down dots. A ghost is visible in the background.

PANEL TWO: PAC-MAN is running the other direction, munching happily as he grabs a pair of cherries off the ground. Two more ghosts have joined the chase.

PANEL THREE: The ghosts are closing in. His eagerness building to a frenetic crescendo, PAC-MAN furiously stuffs his sweaty face with more and more dots, pretzels, and assorted fruits.

PANEL FOUR: The ghosts are suddenly gone. Half-chewed dots tumble across the floor as PAC-MAN drops to his knees.

PANEL FIVE:Close on PAC-MAN as he gives in to heaving, snot-spewing despair at the realization that no number of dots could truly fill the void in his ruined soul.

PANEL ONE: Imprisoned Crime Boss, who is now in prison, via prison phone through glass, delivers profound wisdom.

BOSS: You see, Detective
BOSS: Sometimes, to DEFEAT a monster...

PANEL TWO: Close on Cop, looking stern.

BOSS: ...you must BECOME a monster!

COP: I understand.

PANEL THREE: Close on Cop, except now he's an adorable cartoon monster, like Elmo meets Where the Wild Things Are.

COP: Thank you, my old nemesis.

PANEL FOUR: Cop hangs up the prison phone and heads out of the prison. Boss is nonplussed.

BOSS: THAT is not what I MEANT

PANEL ONE: Barkles the dog hangs out near a well, looking happy. There is a farmer in the distance, loading a ladder onto his truck.

KID (from inside the well): BARKLES!
BARKLES: BARK?
Barkles Barkles, I’ve fallen down this well! HELP ME, Barkles!

PANEL TWO: Barkles runs in circles around the well, searching for a solution to this conundrum. In the background, the farmer is now loading a long, sturdy rope onto the truck.

BARKLES: BARK!
BARKLES: BARK BARK BARK!

SFX: SNIFF SNIFF

PANEL THREE: Barkles HEROICALLY jumps into the well. The farmer tosses a grappling hook into the truck bed.

PANEL FOUR: In the background, the truck pulls away.

KID (from inside the well): God damn it Barkles.
BARKLES: BARK!

ALT TEXT: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

PANEL ONE: Jesus knocks over a glass of wine.

JESUS: Here, let me--
JESUS: oops

PANEL TWO: Jesus has enters the tomb of Lazarus.

JESUS: Okay, so I'm going to resurrect this guy to symbolize the--

PANEL THREE: Jesus lays hands on him and Lazarus EXPLODES.

JESUS: WAUGH

PANEL FOUR: Jesus preaches to the people.

JESUS: So then the Lord will put the SHEEP on his left, and the GOATS on his right--

JESUS: And the... wait, hold on--

PANEL FIVE: Close on Jesus looking at his hands, trying to figure this out.

JESUS: -- I -- are they getting placed on MY left, or his?
JESUS: If he's FACING you, then it should be -- no, no just a sec.
DISCIPLE: I GET IT!

PANEL SIX: The Disciple has this shit figured out.

DISCIPLE: WE HAVE TO BE GOATS!

DISCIPLE:QUICK, SIN AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!

JESUS: Wait, what?! No--

PANEL SEVEN: A full blown riot breaks out. Jesus is really embarrassed.

PANEL EIGHT: Jesus tries to cut a tapestry with scissors.

THE STORY
OF
LEFT-HANDED JESUS

JESUS: dangit

PANEL ONE: Two young people are talking.

YOUNG PERSON 1: Y'know what's gross? Old people sex.

YOUNG PERSON 2: Oh man I HATE old people sex.

PANEL TWO: Two old people

OLD PERSON 1: let's totally do it

OLD PERSON 2: OKAY

PANEL THREE: They are twisted together like banana slugs.

OLD PERSON 2: AAAUUMMM

OLD PERSON 1: I can't find my pills

PANEL FOUR: They have merged completely to form a single monstrous organism.

OLD PEOPLE AMALGAM: SKREEE

OLD PEOPLE AMALGAM: Do you remember Red Skelton? I always liked him.

PANEL ONE: Arthur and Alice go back in time with their eccentric uncle.

ARTHUR: JINKY JANGOS, Uncle B! Your time machine REALLY WORKS!

UNCLE: Now you kids can see a dinosaur in person!

PANEL TWO: A majestic dinosaur.

ALICE: Gasp! There's one now!

UNCLE: Behold, the DIPLODOCUS! Isn't he majestic?

PANEL THREE: The dinosaur just ripped a fart.

PANEL FOUR: Same scene.

DINOSAUR: Huh

DINOSAUR: Huh huh huh

PANEL ONE: The prince kneels before the girl in wonderment, holding a slipper. Could this be what he's been looking for?

PANEL TWO: He sees the other slipper.

PANEL THREE: He grabs it and runs off!

PANEL FOUR: The prince wears the slippers to the next ball! They are a super big hit and everybody is really impressed!