In Time of Sorrow Blog

The Successful Survivor: The Widow's Journey

2011-11-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

by Richard O'Boyle
________________________________________________________

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Author's Note: The terms surviving spouse, survivor, widow, and widower are used interchangeably in this article in an effort to present a balanced view of the experience of both men and women who lose their spouses in later life.

The death of a spouse has far-reaching effects on the survivor. The surviving spouse must cope not only with emotional loss, but also with a sea of changes in daily routines and future plans. While the loss of one's spouse can be one of the most traumatic events in an adult's life, research shows that within a year or two, the surviving spouse usually bounces back to earlier levels of physical and psychological health. Widows and widowers can make a successful transition from the loss of a spouse back to a fulfilling life by accepting and addressing their emotions, taking practical steps to secure their financial and physical health, and empowering themselves for the future.

When your spouse dies, you may feel alone and grieved. As a widow, you should openly express your feelings as this will help the healing process which begins with the pain of loss. There is no "right" way to mourn, and no time frame for mourning. Some mourners are encouraged to cry openly, talk with others about their feelings, or write things down. You will likely feel and express a range of emotions, from anger, to denial, to shock, and emptiness.

Support groups equip widows with a new perspective by letting them see alternatives to their problems. Morton Lieberman, Ph.D., a researcher and author of "Doors Close, Doors Open: Widows Grieving & Growing" says, "Regardless of their backgrounds, ages and circumstances, widows who joined support groups recovered much faster. After one year, members of support groups felt less depression and used less medication and alcohol to alter their feelings of sadness. The more deeply involved they became in the groups, the greater their signs of recovery. They became less anxious, had a greater sense of well-being, higher self-esteem, and rated themselves as much improved."

Immediate Legal & Financial Issues

Most couple's finances are tightly interwoven after years of living together. Sharon L. Mader, Extension Agent, Family and Consumer Sciences, Sandusky County, Ohio, says that some near-term financial issues need to be taken care of now that you are on your own. For example, you will need to take care of business affairs by contacting the following companies and agencies:

o Insurance companies... to change beneficiaries

o Credit card companies (joint cards)... to transfer card to your name

o State Department of Motor Vehicles... to change the title of vehicle(s)

o Financial institutions... to change signature cards on joint accounts

o Stockbrokers/Financial advisor... to change jointly owned investments

o Attorney... to update your will

Women who are widowed need to plan for possibly reduced financial resources. The Women's Institute for a Secure Retirement tells widows to expect that their living expenses are likely to be 80% of what they were before their husband dies. However, a widow's income may only be two-thirds of what it was prior to her spouse's death. Pension benefits from the husband's work generally are reduced by 50%, and Social Security benefits may be reduced by a third or more.

Attorney Melvin Jay Swartz warns, "Widows seem to be under constant attack. Unbridled, laissez-faire selling of legal advice, investments, and tax information has produced a strange collection of aggressive, unlicensed, unprofessional advice-givers. They graze on the widowed." You can protect yourself by being skeptical and cautious about making changes to your financial arrangements. Not all financial arrangements need to be addressed immediately, so you should delay some actions until you are more stable emotionally.

Ms. Mader also notes that many more decisions will need to be made in the months following your spouse's death, including locating and having the following documents accessible:

Death Certificates: Certified copies can be purchased through the funeral director or directly from the county Health Department.
Insurance Policies: These could include life, mortgage/loan, accident, auto, credit card, and insurance policies provided by the deceased's employer.
Social Security: The number for the deceased can be found on the death certificate. Call Social Security at 1-800-772-1213 to determine eligibility of benefits including survivors' benefits for the spouse and/or dependent children.
Veterans' Benefits: Check with the regional Department of Veterans' Affairs office about lump sum burial expenses, an allowance toward a private cemetery plot, and a headstone or a grave marker for those who were honorably discharged. A surviving spouse and dependent children may also be eligible for disability benefits.
Employee Benefits: If the deceased was employed at the time of death, check with the employer(s) for the possibility of life, health, or accident insurance and possible payment of accumulated vacation and/or sick leave. If the death was on the job, workers' compensation benefits may be paid. Check with previous employers to determine if a pension plan is available to the survivors, and if it will continue or be reduced. Unions and professional organizations may offer death benefits for surviving family members.
Will: If the deceased's will is in a safety deposit box (in their name only), it will be sealed and require a court order to be opened. If there is no will, state law will determine what portion of the real property the spouse will receive, and the surviving children will inherit the remainder of the estate (laws vary from state to state). Any property that is co-owned automatically passes to the surviving spouse.

Take Care of Your Own Health

Eat Right

Eating right is very basic and extremely important when creating healthy lifestyle habits. The right nutritional choices ensure that you receive positive sources of energy so you can successfully balance the demands within your life. Proper nutrition depends on well-balanced meal planning. "The wider the variety of foods within the diet the greater the chance that you will take in all the important nutrients necessary for maintaining health and preventing illness," says Marie Truglio-Londrigan, Ph.D., a geriatric nurse practitioner and faculty member at New York's Pace University. Nutrients include some fats, proteins, simple and complex carbohydrates, vitamins, minerals, and water.

While sensible eating is a smart choice for all individuals, researchers have shown that it is even more critical for widows. Research reported in the Journal of Aging and Health shows that older adults are less likely than others to regain lost weight. Thus, losing a significant amount of weight following the death of a spouse can begin a weight-loss trend. While this might not be of immediate concern, continued weight loss can jeopardize overall health and wellbeing.

Get Exercise

You've probably heard of the physical benefits of exercise - reduced rates of heart disease and diabetes, improvement in blood pressure levels and protections against osteoporosis, to mention a few, says Constance Serafin, a Registered Nurse and Family Nurse Practitioner at Pace University's Health Care Unit. "But what about improving balance and strength to make walking and climbing easier and to help prevent falls? What about finding an outlet for your frustration and anxiety? What about feeling better about yourself and how you look? These are less known benefits of weight training and aerobic exercise programs."

A personalized exercise program can start with something as simple as getting out of the house and walking around the neighborhood. Ms. Serafin recommends that you start with an activity that you find pleasurable and that you have a complete physical before beginning a program. If you decide to join a health club or attend organized classes, you should consult with an instructor before using weight-lifting equipment. Exercising can also provide you with an outlet to meet new people in a healthy environment.

Emotional Health

A flood of negative emotions can be expected after the loss of your spouse, as mentioned earlier. "When the full impact of the death sets in, we begin to realize that our lost mate will not return. Despair, depression, and guilt make us feel irrational and sometimes irritable," says William J. Diehm, an author who has written on the topic of coping with widowhood. "The tendency is to shun offers of comfort and support, to focus on memories of our lost spouse, or, to become angry at being left. All this and more is the process of learning to live with our loss."

But sometimes the grief and sadness lasts for much longer than would normally be expected. Sociologist Deborah Carr, a researcher at the University of Michigan, found that the closer the marital relationship, the more depressed both men and women were likely to be after their spouse died. She also found that surviving spouses who were better off economically, as measured by home ownership, were likely to be more depressed than peers who lived in apartments or retirement communities. "Those who own a home may do worse because they have the added strain of caring for a house," Carr speculates. "They may be more socially isolated, lonely, and even afraid of living in a home alone, compared to surviving spouses who live in apartments and have neighbors close by."

To preserve and enhance your emotional health, you should continue to remain active and engaged with family and friends. If you feel lonely, Mr. Diehm recommends:

Keeping busy
Not spending too much time day-dreaming, thinking of the past, or regurgitating the bad events of yesteryear
Counting your blessings, not your troubles
Creating happiness for others

As Time Goes By

Some folks are fond of saying that "time heals all wounds" or that gradually you will stop feeling hurt or empty after the loss of your spouse. "Nothing can prepare you for the shock and grief of widowhood," Diehm says. "It requires working through the various phases of grief and eventually it gets better when one recognizes grief but no longer is paralyzed by it." Those who have a spiritual outlook gradually come to accept their loss as a part of life's plan or for some greater purpose. Those who actively engage in living empower themselves to continue to grow constructively as human beings.

Nevertheless, over the years following the loss of your spouse, you will likely have pangs of regret, feelings of emptiness, or recurring memories of happy times. Feelings of aloneness may be exacerbated on special occasions, holidays, and anniversaries when you have gotten used to having your spouse with you or sharing good times with your family. Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D., author of "Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to New Life After Losing Someone You Love," says that you should continue to express your feelings, especially during difficult holiday times, as well as nurture yourself with a massage or creative outlet.

Many older adults have only known one sexual partner - their spouse. When their spouse dies, that does not mean that the survivor's sexual life dies as well. Many older adults can and do remain sexually active well into their 80s and beyond. However, after the loss of a spouse, many survivors find it difficult to re-engage in sexual relationships for emotional and practical reasons. "In my opinion, developing a sense of intimacy and belonging is probably one of the most difficult aspects of widowhood. We not only have difficulty meeting the need for intimacy and belonging, but we also are unable to develop meaningful relationships for a wide variety of reasons," says Eileen Doherty, M.S., Executive Director, Senior Answers and Services, Colorado Gerontological Society.

"Regrettably, too many women will either miss the type of social life with partnered sexual pleasures they might otherwise enjoy, or will begin dating men in a way that does not take sufficient care of their hearts or their health," says Barnaby B. Barratt, Ph.D., DHS, director of the Midwest Institute of Sexology. "Human beings are meant to get the most out of their lives and if re-entering the dating scene is something you would like to try: Go For It! But always remember that the person who loves you the most needs to be yourself, and always enjoy your sexuality safely."

Widows and widowers continually take on new experiences, explore new feelings, meet new people, and take on new roles and responsibilities. While these changes can empower you to grow, they can also be limiting. "We are all human beings trying to make sense of who we are and where we are in our environment," says Ms. Doherty. The process of searching for ourselves is life-long. As we have new experiences, feelings and impulses, we continually change our self-concept.

In Closing, a Poem

In Loving Memory of I.M.L.
By Anita Levine, Babylon, N.Y.
This poem is dedicated to the widows of the world

Widowhood makes you know yourself.
It reacquaints you with silence and loneliness.
It floods your soul with despair.
It strikes unexpectedly like a flashing comet.
It creates dark corridors and solitary towers.

Maybe someday the anguish of bereavement will slowly dissipate.
Maybe someday newly gathered pebbles will form new boulders.
Maybe someday new sandcastles will drip onto new beaches.
Maybe someday cherished memories will remain deeply hidden.
Maybe someday the hot crucible will shape new form and meaning.
Maybe someday the deep, empty well will be transformed into a fountain.
Maybe someday a mother-of-pearl shimmer will be found in life's oyster.
Maybe someday sunshine will glow from within.

Until then, in steadfast watchfulness, live as a dedicated observer.
Be appreciative of life in all its diminutive degrees.
Strive to rise up and walk among titans.
Nourish and guard your body and soul.
Hang on... hang on... hang on...
Until a new life gets itself born.

About The Author: Rich O'Boyle is the Founder and Community Coordinator of ElderCare Online. He attended The George Washington University where he earned an MBA in Economics and Strategy with an emphasis on the management of long-term care organizations. Rich started ElderCare Online in 1997 with a vision to create an online community where caregivers could connect with each other for information, education and support. He has been fortunate enough to have learned about dementia caregiving from many hands-on caregivers around the world through online support groups. He serves as discussion group host and editor-in-chief of the overall ElderCare Online site.

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"What to Say to Children About Death"

2011-08-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

________________________________________________________
by Linda Goldman

Death is a difficult and sensitive topic to discuss with children. So often adults feel at a loss for words. Without knowing what to say or how to say it, many parents and professionals avoid children's questions. Some refuse to respond at all. Eight-year-old Alice explained a disturbing event. She told her teacher about her dad's death during the very first week of school. Her teacher never said a word. Infuriated and saddened, Alice asked over and over, "Why didn't my teacher ever say anything back?"

Often girls and boys share how angry and alone they feel at being dismissed or ignored when asking questions about the death of a loved one. "Where did my Mom go?" "Why did Dad have to die?" "Did my doggy suffer?" "Will I die too?" are very common thoughts for girls and boys to have.

Responding with care can normalize children's uncomfortable ideas and feelings. Acknowledging their questions is a valuable tool to reassure them and help them feel safe.

Honoring children's questions

We may feel terrified when confronted by a child with a question about death, and send a conscious or unconscious message inhibiting further discussion. When adults respond to questions in ways that are more complicated than necessary, children can become overwhelmed. When adults limit replies or refuse to answer, kids get the message. Death is a closed topic - don't ask again.

Joey's mom wanted to know "What to I do when my-five-year-old asks so many questions about death?" One health care professional responded to Joey's mother in this way. "My daughter Emily is five. She also asked too many questions about death. I explained to her she could only ask two questions a day. If she asked more than that she would need to go to her room for a half hour and think about it. This really worked. Within one month's time Emily never asked another question about death." Emily got the message in no uncertain terms - stop asking about death.

Placing restrictions or discounting children's questions will work to extinguish asking them. Our goal is to create an environment where all questions are welcomed, accepted, and responded to openly and without judgment. The purpose of this book is to share simple and direct dialogues about death to facilitate open communication. Comfortable language is a useful instrument for all caring adults to share appropriate responses that are satisfying to young people.

Developmental understandings

Children re-grieve at different developmental stages. During early childhood they are usually satisfied with a simple definition and explanation. They see death as reversible and have egocentric ideas involving magical thinking. Many times they believe they caused their person's death.

As they get older they become more curious about the facts of the death, and may come back at ages 8, 9, and 10 and re-visit the death with new interest and inquisitiveness. In pre-adolescence and adolescence they approach their strong need to look to their own age group to find answers.

At this age girls and boys begin to see death is not reversible. Life is finite. Young people begin to form their own spiritual belief system and look to their peers for support and understanding. They feel empowered to become advocates for causes related to their person's death.

Responding to a Question

Children need to be told the truth about a death in an age appropriately way. They usually know when they are being lied to. So often lies create a secondary loss of the trust of their emotional environment.

There are many ways people die. Often adults have difficulty in finding the precise words to use to explain a fatal Illness, sudden accident, murders, suicide, or natural or man made catastrophe. They are surprised when many girls and boys are satisfied with simple and honest responses appropriate to their developmental stage. Six-year-old Rebecca asked, "How did mommy die?" "She got very sick." might be just enough of a response.

Excerpted from Great Answers to Difficult Questions about Death: What Children Need to Know. Linda Goldman Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2009

Linda Goldman has a Fellow in Thanantology: Death, Dying, and Bereavement (FT) with an MS degree in counseling and Master's Equivalency in early childhood education. Linda is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) and a National Certified Counselor (NBCC). She worked as a teacher and counselor in the school system for almost twenty years. Currently she has a private grief therapy practice in Chevy Chase, MD. She works with children, teenagers, families with prenatal loss, and grieving adults. Linda shares workshops, courses, and trainings on children and grief and trauma and currently teaches as adjunct faculty in the Graduate Program of Counseling at Johns Hopkins University. She is the author of Life and Loss, breaking the Silence and Children also Grieve: Talking about Death and Healing. For more information visit her site at Children'sGrief.net.

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The First Anniversary

2011-03-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

________________________________________________________

by Helen Fitzgerald

It is almost a year since the death of a loved one. As this first year anniversary approaches, you may feel that an internal clock is counting down the days and hours. You may be thinking: one year ago today we were celebrating his birthday or one year ago today we got the diagnosis. With such thoughts you can be overcome again by intense, painful grief that you thought was over. As one who has gone through the same experience, I simply want to reassure you that this is normal; it happens to almost everyone who has lost a loved one.

Here are some first-year anniversary suggestions that I hope you will find helpful. The first set is for you, and the second set is for friends and co-workers who may want to help.

For You

To begin with, plan for the day. Do not fool yourself into thinking that if you ignore it, it will go away. You are better off confronting it and dealing with it. Also, be careful not to expect your family, friends or colleagues at work to remember the significance of this particular day, the day your loved one died. Expecting such support, you could be bitterly disappointed. To avoid this, it is okay to remind those around you that the day is approaching, thereby making clear to them that you are aware of the date--and that it's okay for them to mention it, too. Let them know how the coming anniversary is affecting you and just how difficult it is for you. Give them some ideas of what they might do to help. I suggest that you start your planning as soon as you find yourself thinking about the anniversary. Ask yourself these questions: Who do I want to remind of this painful date? What do I want to do that day? Do I want to work as usual, or should I try to take the day off? If I take the day off, what will I do? Should I plan an informal gathering of friends? Should I arrange a memorial service at the church? Should I get away entirely and go to the beach or to the mountains? And if I do that, who do I want to take with me?

Often the anticipation of the anniversary is more stressful than the actual day, especially with well-laid plans. Once this first year anniversary has passed, you will have made it through an entire year of "firsts." Often the second year is easier, and this is normal as you slowly progress through your grief.

For Friends and Co-workers

If you remember that the one-year anniversary date of the death is coming up, but aren't sure exactly when, it is certainly okay to ask your friend or co-worker. You will not open up old wounds; most likely they are already opened. He or she will be pleased that you remembered.

If you do remember the exact date, don't surprise your friend or co-worker with an "event." While these are kind intentions, this may be overwhelming. Instead, speak with your friend or co-worker and let him or her know you are aware of the anniversary. Let the person know that you are also aware that strong feelings of grief may return at this time and invite them to let you know if they need any special help at work or at home. Ask if they would like some time with you just to talk. Find a quiet space or go for a walk. Then you might offer some suggestions of things you could do to mark this event--going out to lunch, taking up a collection for a special charity, attending a church service with them, or spending the day together. If you are uncomfortable dealing so openly with the anniversary, you might simply buy a box of chocolates or some flowers that could be sent to the house or placed on the desk with an "I am thinking of you" card to be signed by a select group of friends.

Whatever you decide to do, the first-year anniversary of someone's death is an opportunity to show love and caring to a bereaved friend or colleague, an act of friendship never to be forgotten.

When Helen Fitzgerald's husband died in 1974, leaving her as a young widow with four children, she decided there had to be a better way to help people through the grieving process. Fitzgerald worked for 23 years as the coordinator of the grief program at Mental Health Services of Fairfax County, VA, where she pioneered the nation's first grief program in a community mental health center. A certified death educator, author and lecturer, she authored The Mourning Handbook, The Grieving Child and The Grieving Teen. She is currently the director of training for American Hospice Foundation. Fitzgerald lends her expertise on how to handle the first 30 days of grieving the death of a loved one.

For more information on Helen Fitzgerald, visit www.americanhospice.org.

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Realities of Miscarriage

2011-03-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

________________________________________________________

Miscarriage is a painful reality for many couples, yet often times is difficult to process because the baby had never been held. Marta Writes is a wonderful blogger who shares her touching story here.

Posted by In Time of Sorrow

the Importance of Hope

2011-02-13T22:45:00.000-08:00

by Alan D. Wolfthelt
______________________________________

"Today...I open my heart's hand to allow... the touch of hope." - Julia Cameron

(Editor's note: This article is excerpted from The Mourner's Book of Hope: 30 Days of Inspiration.)

If your experience is in any way like my own and those of the thousands of mourners I have had the honor to walk with and learn from, you are feeling abandoned and alone right now. You may instinctively be questioning the meaning and purpose of life. You recognize that so many things in your daily life have changed your plans, your dreams, your concerns, and your roles. You may discover yourself searching for a reason to go on living in the face of this loss and asking countless "How?" and "Why" questions.

"How can this be happening?"
"How am I going to make it through this?"
"Why did this happen now, in this way?"
"Why am I feeling so lost?"

When we lose someone we love, it changes us. The person who died was a part of you and part of your life. This death means you must mourn a loss not only outside yourself, but inside yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be constant companions to you on this grief journey. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some sense of meaning at a time when you may be feeling empty and alone.

Your loneliness and emptiness are often present, even in the midst of family and friends. When others try to help by saying, "I know just how you feel," they usually do not. They cannot. They are not walking this walk for you. Your pain, your questions, your doubts, your fears are unique. No one can know exactly how this feels for you.

While your grief is unique, some of the questions you may be asking are universal. The fears, doubts and questions that come when we experience grief have been with us since the beginning of our awareness that loss is part of the cycle of life. Loss truly is an integral part of life. You are asking questions that others before you have raised. Questions that have been raised to God. Questions that have been asked about God. Like others who have been where you are, you may be feeling distant from your God, perhaps even questioning the existence of God. These kinds of questions have been preserved in time because they belong to and are asked by most everyone who experiences the pain of loss.

So, like your fellow travelers on this grief journey, you are faced with sitting in the wound of your grief. When you sit in the wound of your grief, you surrender to it in recognition that the only way to the other side of the pain and hopelessness is through the pain and hopelessness. You acknowledge that you are willing to do the work that mourning requires. Paradoxically, it is in befriending your wound that eventually you will restore your life and reinvest in living.

Loss of Your Divine Spark and the Role of Hope in Your Healing

People in grief often come to see me on the sacred grounds of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. When they begin their grief journey, they often start by expressing their sense of hopelessness by saying, "I feel so hopeless," or, "I am not sure I can go on living." Like you, the losses that have touched their lives have naturally muted, if not extinguished, their divine spark. Their divine spark is that internal energy that gives meaning and purpose to life. Your divine spark or life force is the keeper of your mind, your body, and your soul.

I discovered some time ago that a central part of my helping role is to gently and quietly bring Hope to those in grief. Hope that encourages them to discover a renewed divine spark and a desire to reenter life with meaning and purpose. Each and every one of us as humans has a divine spark. We are each the keeper of our own spark or life force. My personal life losses and my role as a caregiver to others have taught me that hope is the vital ingredient that helps us reignite our divorce spark after loss breaks our hearts and touches our souls.
The more I reflected on the role of hope in healing from life losses, the more compelled I was to write a user-friendly, easy-to-read book that would help mourners invite hope into their lives. This book of hope is anchored in reflections and my favorite quotes on the role of hope in healing. Because quotes often capture the essence of certain life experience, I've included several throughout this book for you to reflect on when you need to be reminded of the importance of hope. This book invites you to find and experience the hope that you will need to slowly, over time, and with no reward for speed, mourn well so that you can go on to live well and love well. My wish for you is that these pages help you nurture your divine spark back toward light and life. This book, directed from my heart to your heart, is an invitation to come out of the dark and into the light.

Each day you will discover several quotes to meditate on that, when read slowly and thoughtfully, will help you befriend hope and rediscover meaning and purpose in your life. Review the reflections and quotes in this little book of comfort and hope and embrace the ones that resonate with you. Then revisit them from time to time as you take them into your heart. When you find you are doubting yourself or your journey, read the words that speak to you as a way of nurturing yourself back toward life and living. These enduring and wise observations from some of the world's greatest hope-filled philosophers will help you to begin reprogramming your attitude and your view of the world around you.

My hope is that you find this little book to be a gentle companion that gives you wisdom and strength for today, tomorrow, and each day that follows.

My Prayer For You

May you continue to discover hope an expectation of a good that is yet to be. May you continue to find new ways to renew your divine spark and to believe that meaning, purpose, and love will come back into your life. No, you did not go in search of this loss. But it has come to you, and you have discovered the importance of sitting in your wound on the pathway to your healing. If you give up, the essence of who you are will die or be muted for the rest of your life. Hope can and will keep this from happening.

May you never give up and may you consciously choose life! May you turn your face to the radiance of joy every day. May you live in the continued awareness that you are being cradled in love by a caring presence that never deserts you. May you keep your heart open wide and receptive to what life brings you, both happy and sad. And may you walk a pathway to living your life fully and on purpose until you die.

Blessings to you as you befriend hope and choose to celebrate life. May your divine spark shine brightly as you share your gifts and your love with the universe.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family

2011-01-19T11:39:00.000-08:00

________________________________________________________
by Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC

Grief is a family affair. When one member of a family dies, the entire family is affected. It's as if an important link in the family chain is suddenly broken and lost, and everyone is locked in a struggle to find the missing link, to repair the broken chain. Everyone is mourning their own personal loss in their own unique way. Roles and responsibilities shift; relationships change; communication and mutual support among members may suffer. Over time, the family must identify what the roles and functions of the lost member were, decide whose job it will be to execute those duties now, and learn how to compensate for their absence.

Further complicating the situation is the fact that men, women and children are very different from each other, not just in personality patterns that affect how they think, feel and behave, but also in how they mourn. When someone dies, they will not experience or express their reactions in the same way. Failure to understand and accept these different ways of mourning can result in hurt feelings and conflict between partners and among family members during a very difficult time. Although there is grief work to be done, behaviors can be misinterpreted, needs may be misunderstood, and expectations may not be met. Children and adults are all very different, one from another, with their own unique needs for expression and support.
Differing personality patterns among family members will affect how each one individually expresses, experiences and deals with grief. While we all have the capacity to react to loss in a variety of ways, personality research shows that there are three basic styles or patterns of mourning: instrumental, intuitive and dissonant. Typically a person trusts and prefers one pattern of response over the other two, and will behave accordingly.

Instrumental mourners experience and speak of their grief intellectually and physically. They are most comfortable with seeking accurate information, analyzing facts, making informed decisions and taking action to solve problems. Remaining strong, dispassionate and detached in the face of powerful emotions, they may speak of their grief in an intellectual way, thus appearing to others as cold, uncaring and without feeling.

Intuitive mourners experience a full, rich range of emotions in response to grief. Comfortable with strong emotions and tears, they are sensitive to their own feelings and to the feelings of others as well. Since they feel strong emotions so deeply, they're less able to rationalize and intellectualize the pain of grief, and more likely to appear overwhelmed and devastated by it.

Dissonant mourners encounter a conflict between the way they experience their grief internally and the way they express it outwardly, which produces a persistent discomfort and lack of harmony. The "dissonance" or conflict may be due to family, cultural or social traditions. Although their grief may be profound and strongly felt, they struggle to hide their true feelings in order to preserve the image they wish to project to the public. Others may condemn themselves and feel very guilty for not feeling whatever they think is expected of them to feel.

Like everyone else in our Western culture, men are saddled with certain stereotypes. Real men are supposed to be tough, confident, rational and in control, not only of themselves but of situations as well. Real men don't cry, aren't afraid of anything and would never be caught asking for directions, let alone for help. Real men know exactly what to do in a crisis, and they're strong enough to support the rest of the family, too. If they cry or otherwise express their emotions, such behaviors are considered to be signs of weakness. Add to these sex role stereotypes the assumption that, if a man's grief doesn't show or he doesn't express thoughts and feelings of grief the same way a woman ordinarily does (by crying or by openly sharing with others, for example), then he must not be grieving at all.

In general, men are more often instrumental mourners. When men suffer the loss of a loved one they tend to put their feelings into action, experiencing their grief physically rather than emotionally. They deal with their loss by focusing on goal-oriented activities which activate thinking, doing and acting. Rather than endlessly talking about or crying over the person who died, for example, a man may throw himself into time-limited tasks such as planting a memorial garden or writing a poem or a eulogy. Such activities give a man not only a sense of potency and accomplishment as he enters his grief, but also a means of escaping it when the task is done. If a man relates the details of his loss to his closest male friends, it's likely to be around activities like hunting, fishing, sporting events and card games. Although a man may let himself cry in his grief, he'll usually do it alone, in secret or in the dark.

Women, on the other hand, tend to be intuitive mourners. They have been socialized to be more open with their feelings. They may feel a greater need to talk with others who are comfortable with strong emotions and willing to listen without judgment. Unfortunately, while it may be more acceptable for women in our culture to be expressive and emotional, all too often in grief they're criticized for being too sentimental or overly sensitive.

Children and adolescents grieve just as deeply as adults, but depending on their cognitive and emotional development, they will experience and express their grief differently from the grownups around them. Moving in and out of grief is natural for youngsters, and the symptoms of grief may come and go, varying in intensity. Their responses will depend on the knowledge and skills available to them at the time of the loss. Having had less prior experience with crisis and its consequences, their repertoire of coping skills is simpler, their capacity to confront the reality of loss more limited, and their ability to find meaning in life's crises less mature. If surprised or embarrassed by the intensity of their grief, they may try to hide it or disguise it. Parents, relatives, teachers and friends are wise to watch and to tune in to their children and adolescents, to listen to them, to be there for them, and if unsure what's going on, to ask! More than anything else, children need their parents and the other adults in their world to be honest with them. They need accurate, factual information; freedom to ask questions and express their feelings; inclusion in decisions, discussions and family commemorative rituals; stable, consistent attention from their caretakers; and time to explore and come to terms with the meaning of their loss.

The way we mourn is as individual as we are, and our own gender biases may influence how we "read" another gender's mourning. Some females may be instrumental in pattern and style, and will mourn in traditionally "masculine" ways, and some males may be more intuitive by nature, and therefore will express their grief in traditionally "feminine" ways. Regardless of differences in personality, gender and age, the pressures of grief are still present for all family members, and the tasks of mourning are the same: to confront, endure and work through the many effects of the death so the loss can be dealt with successfully. Grief must be expressed and released in order to be resolved, and all family members need encouragement to identify and release emotions, to talk about and share their thoughts, and to accept help and support from others.

Suggestions for Coping with Different Mourning Patterns

If the Mourner is an Adult:
- Understand that our own personality and gender biases may influence how we "read" another person's mourning.
- What looks like inappropriate behavior may be an instrumental mourner's way of avoiding feelings or displaying emotions publicly. People should not be judged for how they are mourning.
- Instrumental mourners often appear to be further along in the grieving process than they actually are. Even if a person appears to be all right, it is unwise to make assumptions about what he or she is experiencing. When in doubt, ask!
- Those who turn to drugs or alcohol in an effort to numb their pain or break down their inhibitions need to know that, because alcohol is a depressant, it can add to the sadness they're already feeling. Distracting from the pain only delays the mourning process.
- Although men, women, adolescents and children mourn differently from one another, none of those ways is inappropriate.
- It is not helpful to take sides, supporting one way of mourning over another.
- The way we mourn is as individual as we are: some males mourn in intuitive, feeling, or more traditionally "feminine" ways and some females mourn in instrumental, thinking, or more traditionally "masculine" ways.
- If someone seems more angry than sad at the death of a loved one, the individual may be angry at the situation - and anger may be the only way the person knows to express grief. It's useful in such cases not to take such anger personally, or to react defensively against it.
- Men are less likely to seek the support of others (either individually or in a group) in order to express (think, talk, cry, or write about) their feelings, especially if they don't feel respected, or if they find certain aspects of grief to be embarrassing. A man needs encouragement to share his reactions and emotions, to explore what his loved one's death means to him, and to acknowledge how the loss affects his life.

If the Mourner is a Child:
- Recognize that death and loss are natural parts of living; shielding children from grief is futile and gives them no role models to learn healthy, normal coping behaviors.
- Be open and meticulously honest. Children know when adults are shading the truth. If children discover that you've distorted the truth or lied to them, they'll have a great deal of trouble trusting you again.
- First find out what the children already know or think they know about dying and death.
- Validate feelings and encourage children to share their thoughts, fears and observations about what has happened.
- Offer explanations that are age appropriate and at the child's level of understanding. A child under age five needs comfort and support rather than detailed explanations, whereas a child over age five needs information that is simple, accurate, plain and direct.
- Explain that in the circle of life all living things will die someday, and that death causes changes in a living thing.
- Help children understand what "dead" means (that the body stops working and won't work anymore) and that death is not the same as sleeping (that the sleeping body is still working, but just resting).
- Don't use confusing or misleading euphemisms such as "passed away," "lost," or "gone on." Such phrases imply the one who died is on a trip and will return, leave children feeling rejected or abandoned, or encourage them to go searching for the individual or hold out hope for his or her return.
- Explain how we might feel when someone dies: sad, mad, or confused - and we may cry sometimes. Let your children know that laughing and playing are still okay, too, and that you respect their need to be children at this sad and difficult time.
- Relieve the child of any feelings of responsibility for the death; magical thinking may lead a child to conclude that something s/he did, wished or imagined somehow caused the death.
- Avoid telling children that the dead person was so good or so special that God wants him or her to be with Him in heaven. Children may become angry with God or fear that they (or you) will be chosen next.
- Respect and encourage your children's needs to express and share feelings of sadness. When you bring up the subject, you're showing your own willingness to talk about it. When in doubt about your children's thoughts and feelings, ask.
- Don't feel as if you must have all the answers; sometimes just listening is enough. Expect that young children will ask and need answers to the same questions over and over again.
- Find and read some of the many wonderful stories and books written especially for children to help them better understand death and grief.
- Don't cut off their feelings by noting how well your children are handling their grief or how brave or strong they are. Let them see you upset and crying, which implies that it's all right to cry for those we love and lose.
- Children and adolescents may be reluctant to express their thoughts and feelings verbally. Encourage them to express their grief and preserve their memories in a variety of ways, including art, music, journal writing, story-telling and picture collecting.
- Let children and adolescents plan and participate in commemorative family rituals.

If the Mourner is an Adolescent:
- Recognize that teens are already struggling with the enormous physical and psychological changes and pressures of adolescence. No longer children, but not yet mature adults, they still need adult supervision, guidance, and consistent, compassionate support.
- Don't deprive teens of their own need to mourn by pressuring them to "be strong" in support of a surviving parent, younger siblings or other family members.
- Understand that teens don't like to stand out and feel different from their friends; they want to belong, and normally turn to one another for support. But if a teen's friends have never experienced the death of a loved one, it's unlikely that they can fully understand what the bereaved adolescent is feeling or experiencing. Grieving teens do best when they're helped to connect with other teens who've also experienced a death.
- Assure adolescents that conflict in relationships between teens and adults is a normal part of growing up, and offer them every opportunity to vent their feelings about their relationship with the person who died. Teens striving to separate from authority figures and find their own identity normally feel somewhat alienated from parents, siblings, and other family members, and if a loved one dies during this turbulent time, they can be left with feelings of guilt and unfinished business.
- Give teenagers permission not to be grieving all the time. If they've expressed their feelings and talked about the loss with others (family, friends, teachers and other helpers) it may not be useful for them to focus further on their loss. It's not disloyal of them to want to put their grief aside and enjoy life again.
- Be on the alert for signs that a teen may need extra help (depression; drastic changes in sleeping or eating habits; falling grades; substance abuse; sexual acting out; deteriorating relationships with family and friends.
- Children and adolescents will cope only as well as the adults around them; helping yourself will help your children.
- Alert significant adults in your child or adolescent's life (family doctor, teachers, school counselor, caregivers, neighbors, relatives, friends) about the death in your family. Ask their help in keeping a watchful eye on your youngster, and ask for their additional support and understanding during this difficult time.
- Consider enrolling your child or adolescent in one of the children/family bereavement support groups offered by your local hospice or by other agencies in the community.

Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC is certified by the American Nurses Association (ANA) as a Clinical Nurse Specialist in Adult Psychiatric and Mental Health (CNS-BC), and is licensed to practice in the States of Michigan, Arizona and Florida as an Advanced Nurse Practitioner (APRN).

She has earned the Distance Credentialed Counselor (DCC) credential, having met the requirements set forth by the Center for Credentialing and Education, Inc. (CCE) and having satisfactorily completed the CCE-approved ReadyMinds Training program. This credential sets the standard in the evolving practice of distance counseling, which Marty does via her Grief Healing Hospice of the Valley's online Grief Healing Discussion Groups. Web site and as moderator for Hospice of the Valley's online Grief Healing Discussion Groups.

Posted as a service of In Time Of Sorrow

2010-12-09T15:23:00.000-08:00

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presents...

VISIT OUR WEBSITE

Announcing a Webinar on
Handling the Holidays

Dr Gloria and Dr Heidi Horsley, Co-Founders of The Open to Hope Foundation whose mission it is to help those who have suffered a loss, will be presenting a webinar entitled Handling the Holidays. Dr's Heidi and Gloria will give helpful tips on what to expect this holiday season. There will be an opportunity to ask questions

Space is limited.

Reserve your Webinar seat now at:
https://www3.gotomeeting.com/ register/790124110


Posted as a service of In Time Of Sorrow

Plain Talk on Grief - Coping with the Holidays

2010-12-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

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by Mary Zemites

The holidays are upon us. The music, the decorations, and the anticipation of the celebration surrounds us. But we have a heavy heart and do not feel like rejoicing. Perhaps this is our first holiday season since our loved one died. Perhaps it is not the first. Either way, the grief and sadness can return at this time of year with a vengeance. We have little to be joyful about and everything seems to remind us of what we have lost.

It is a good idea to prepare and plan ahead in order to avoid being overwhelmed with grief during the holidays.

Don't face grief alone. Seek out friends and family for companionship and support. Whether it be for a quiet evening of visiting or going out to shop together, others can take the sting out of our loneliness. Phone calls, letters, and e-mails can keep us in touch with loved ones that live elsewhere. A bereavement support group can connect us to others who understand and share our pain. Also, we must recognize when we need to be alone and not be afraid to miss social occasions, if necessary. Whatever our needs, we must communicate them clearly to those around us.

Change our routines. It is often helpful to make minor, or even major, changes in our holiday traditions. A different location, worship service, or type of meal can help ease painful memories. Simplifying our holiday routine is a good idea. Grief is physically and mentally exhausting. Cut back on shopping, decorating and cooking, if we wish. Our family and friends will understand. It doesn't mean that we will lose that tradition forever, we are just putting it on hold until we have had more time to heal.

Memorialize the loss of our loved one. This tangible acknowledgement of their life can be very comforting. There are many ways to do this:
-Donate time or money to a charity in their name.
- Look through photo albums and/or create a scrapbook.
-Plant a tree.
-Prepare their favorite food.
-Visit the cemetery.
-Hang a memorial ornament on your Christmas tree.
-Light a candle.
-Have a prayer service.
-Write a letter to our loved one.
-Gather together family & friends to share stories and memories of our loved one.

Volunteer to help others who are in need. There are many in this world who are suffering in different ways than us. Reaching out to help the needy is beneficial to ourselves as well as others. At this time in our lives, we have a compassion born of our own suffering. Others can sense this compassion and we are called to act on our new perspective. Serving meals to the homeless, "adopting" a family for Christmas, helping at a children's center--this work helps us to count our blessings and keep in mind our brothers and sisters who are less fortunate than us. It is also a marvelous way to honor and memorialize our lost loved one.

Take time to care for ourselves. We can indulge ourselves at home with a good book, some hot cocoa, a warm bath, or a cozy fire. We may choose to get away to a beach, the mountains, or another city for a complete change of scenery. Get out and walk, take up a new sport, or join a gym. Physical activity will help relieve the stress and give us a renewed sense of confidence. We can sort out our emotions by journaling our thoughts and feelings.

Let the spiritual meaning of the holidays be our focal point. Faith gives us comfort and meaning. The holidays are intended to celebrate the miracle of God's love for us. Contemplate the depth and breadth of that love and seek hope and joy in remembering that even in the deepest pain, we are never removed from the love of God.

Looking ahead to this time of year may overwhelm us today, but there will come a time when we will be able to anticipate the holidays with peace and comfort. Until then, take one day at a time. The journey that begins with the new year will bring new joys and experiences.

Posted as a service of In Time of Sorrow

A Gift for the Heart

2010-11-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

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by Lynne Avitia

After losing my son to cancer in 1994, and going on to speak often and openly to many people and groups in my area about the experience (see her 2009 newsletter "Possibilities-Reflections on the Death of a Child"). I am often the first person my friends call when they need advice about what to do for a family that has lost a loved one. I'm no expert, and as I tell them, I can only share what I've learned as a grieving mother and as someone who has taken a particular interest in helping the bereaved.

Before anything else, we must always be available to listen and love those who are grieving. What they need most from us is a sympathetic ear and an open and nonjudgmental heart. If we open any book or read any article on grief or helping the bereaved, we will find that we can't do or say anything to relieve them of their burden. We must simply be there at the time of loss - and continue to be there for the long haul.

But practically speaking, we all feel the need to give something concrete to grieving families so that they'll know we care for them. I've always felt this need. I used to make it a personal quest to send flowers to families at the time they experienced a loss. Those bouquets were appreciated, I'm sure. But more often than not, I was too late to get them to the funeral in time, or they were just too hard on by budget. Either way, if I didn't get flowers to them on that day, I thought I had failed to express my sympathy. If a few weeks had passed, I knew I was too late to offer my care and concern. This was especially true of families that I wasn't extremely close to or didn't see often. I wanted them to know I cared, but if I didn't send flowers and I didn't see them at the funeral, it was just too late!

In the last several years, our country is learning a new way to think about death and dying. We can move beyond the attitude that if we send flowers or a card, then we've done our job and life goes on. Because after the flowers have wilted, and the card is sitting in the bottom of a drawer, the bereaved person still hurts. It's time to think differently about how we show our sympathy and remember the loved ones who've been lost.

I've completely changed my thinking about how I can touch the hearts of friends and family who are experiencing grief. My first thought now is, "What gift would this person most enjoy?" or "How can we best honor the memory of this person?" I've also gotten over the feeling that I have to send something right away. In fact, sending gifts during the confusion and difficulty of a funeral is often the worst time. When a friend's grandchild died shortly after birth, I ordered a gift basket for the family several weeks later. Each person received something to hold onto and I included a beautiful necklace for the mother. After my brother-in-law died, I sent his wife a gift, his children picture frames, and his grandchildren books to share. But I knew that these gifts would be most appreciated after everyone else had returned to their lives. I still send small tokens to my sister-in-law to help her during this difficult first year.

The market for sympathy gifts includes wonderful ways to remember lost loved ones. There are comprehensive books for adults and children. There is jewelry with inspirational quotes or lockets to hold small tokens of the loved one lost. There is a wonderful selection of gifts with thoughtful messages including candles, journals, wind chimes, garden stones and many, many other items.

Giving gifts has allowed me to find something that fits in my budget. I can always find a gift at a price I am comfortable with. I've even bought myself special items in memory of my son. Even after 16 years, I was thrilled to receive a necklace, with a remembrance of my son, from my daughter and sisters. I always want him to be remembered, and it gives me comfort to wear pieces that remind me of him next to my heart.

Christmas is a wonderful time to start or continue special traditions to help the bereaved heal from their losses. Lighting a special candle, buying a new ornament, donating to a charity, or placing a gift under the tree can all be ways to celebrate the life of a loved one. The holidays can be especially hard, and any way we can let the bereaved know that we remember--that we care--is always appreciated.

We must remember that grief lasts for a lifetime. Although the pain lessens, a permanent remembrance will honor the memory, and allow the recipient to let that memory act as a healing balm for a broken heart.

Lynne Avitia lost her son, Sammy, to neuroblastoma in 1994. She works as a college instructor and also speaks publicly regarding her son's death. She recently recorded their story for EWTN radio. She is a co-founder of 2 Kids 4 Kids, a non-profit organization that assists family of seriously ill children in New Mexico.

posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Facing Fear

2010-11-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

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by Mary Zemites

Living without regrets

Recently, a woman who had lost her mother and father in the last two years expressed how tired she was of always feeling anxious and fearful. Her losses had brought home the fact that the people she loved were all going to die. It could be anytime and anywhere. The possibility of facing the loss of her husband or one of her children was constantly invading her thoughts. She was tired and stressed all the time.

Her words were all too familiar. They brought me back to the time between my husband’s Stage IV cancer diagnosis and his death 3½ years later. When Greg’s cancer was discovered, it had already spread to other organs. The doctor was understandably hesitant to share a prognosis of 6 months with a 37 year-old man, his wife and three young children. Being youthful and otherwise strong, Greg fought for his life and even managed to rally for periods of time during those years. He was up and down, riding that roller coaster of cancer and chemotherapy. He bounced back quickly after the initial surgery and was back to work in just a few weeks. He tolerated the weekly chemo treatments pretty well, but after several months he would develop a complication, become quite ill and be admitted to the hospital for care. He would recover, come home, go back to work and the whole cycle would start over.

Every time he had a downturn, I was afraid. Would this be the time that he wouldn’t recover? This fear was normal and realistic. The feelings of fear that troubled me more were the thoughts that occurred during the “good” times. Times when Greg was feeling well, working a normal schedule, and involved with the family. I kept worrying that this normalcy was just an illusion and was often overcome with dread and deep sadness that our future together most likely would not last long. It was debilitating. I desperately needed to find a way to face this fear and hold on to optimism, while still maintaining a realistic outlook on our situation.

I did manage to find an answer. One afternoon when the dread hit me, I thought about how much regret I would have later, when the worst did occur. I didn’t want to look back later, when he was dying or had died and think “Why didn’t I appreciate life and feel happy when things were good?” These were the days for rejoicing and thankfulness. They would end much too soon. I needed to squeeze every bit of joy and love out of them that I possible could. I knew that I would have plenty of time to be horribly miserable then. I promised myself that I could wallow in it when he died. But I was not going to be miserable now!

Fear is paralyzing if we let it take control of our lives. Yes, we will all die someday, but in the meantime, we must focus on the joy of living. Even faced with the knowledge of his impending death, my husband chose to take joy in his life and his family. He never wanted to be "written off" but wanted to live every day to the fullest.

Fear is an exhausting emotion. It takes up all of our energy. So here's the challenge: What good can we do with that energy? Are we afraid that we'll lose another loved one? Then carve out more time to spend with that person. Appreciate his/her qualities and try to find more joy in that relationship. Are we afraid of our own death? Then take our energy and help others who are already facing death. Volunteer at a hospice. Help out at a hospital. The dying have a great deal to teach the living.

Our courage is what will help us conquer the pain of death. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the choice to go forth in spite of the fear. Courage is facing fear. We must consider ourselves participants in life as long as we have this gift of life. Make a difference, live to the fullest, find joy – these are the things that will release us from the regrets of fear.

Posted by In Time of Sorrow

Remembering My Dad

2010-06-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

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by Margaret Arnold-Rowells

“Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever.” Author Unknown

As Father’s Day approaches, it brings sadness to those of us who have lost our dads. For some of us, ignoring the sadness may seem like the best way to get through the day. However, in most cases, honoring our sadness, by connecting to the memory is most healthy.

I was very fortunate to have a father whom I adored. He passed away almost 10 years ago and not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. When he died, my heart was broken and I remember people telling me over and over that “in time” I would feel better. I got so tired of hearing that, but I can now say, as time has gone by; it has gotten easier to build a new and different life without him physically here with me.

My father was a Minnesota miner. He was a hard worker with a very strong work ethic. He always said that he didn’t care what we became as adults, as long as we were honest, fair and worked for a living. I have 5 younger siblings and it was important to him that we tried to get along and like each other! He had the best laugh and I still can hear the sound of that laughter from time to time.

When I was a sophomore in college, I came home for a long weekend and told my dad that I really wanted to quit college. It just wasn’t for me. He calmly looked at me and said, “Okay, but I want you to go back for 6 weeks and then I will come and get you.” Needless to say, the six weeks passed and when he showed up to take me home, I had no intention of leaving. He was a wise man!

It is very difficult to think about celebrating Father’s Day after your dad has died, but it is very important to find a way to “connect” with your dad and remember the person he was.

· What is something your dad always said to you?
· What is something he communicated to you non-verbally?
· What would you like your father to know about you today?

If the loss of your father is recent, and this is your first Father’s Day without him, you may find it easier to ignore the day altogether. If that is what you need to do, don’t feel guilty. There will be many more Father’s Days to come and you can begin a new way to honor your dad when you feel comfortable doing so. It’s painful to get used to the fact that you cannot pick up the phone and call your dad to wish him a happy Father’s Day. I remember crying when I went into Hallmark and seeing the Father’s Day cards the first year after my dad died. I still feel sad when I see them.

If you want to, hold on to any traditions that you can. It might be comforting to you to continue with family traditions. If you and your dad always ate at his favorite restaurant, spend the day fishing or barbequed with family at home; consider doing those things on your own or with others to whom your father was close. You may find that continuing to do the familiar things that you and your dad previously did together for Father’s Day helps make it easier for you to face the day.

You can start a new Father’s Day tradition. For a lot of people, the death of a father means significant changes in their own lives. As you continue to move through your grief and the permanence of your father’s absence that each new day brings, you will have to find ways to remember the life you spent with your dad. Starting a new father’s day tradition may be one way to do this. You might want to visit his grave, look at photos, prepare his favorite meal or dessert, play special music or share favorite stories with family and friends. Starting a new tradition can help you gain some comfort in that fact that you are still finding ways to incorporate him into your life.

What will you do to connect with your dad? Spend some time running memories of your dad through your mind and try to recapture one more time his laugh, his smile, the sparkle in his eye, the unending motivation, even his stubbornness!

Although your dad has died, his love and spirit will remain with your for the rest of your life.

My father’s final resting place is in Minnesota , which I am not able to visit, as often as I’d like. I created a “memory spot” under a pine tree in my back yard in his honor. I placed a stone there with the following quote by St. John Chrysostom, “Those whom we love and lose are no longer where they were before. They are now wherever we are.”

Happy Father’s Day, Dad! I was blessed to have you in my life and know that everywhere I am, there you’ll be.

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Margaret Arnold-Rowells has been active in the Grief and Bereavement Ministry at her parish church since 2004. Margaret lost her father in August 2000. His death was caused by complications following surgery. She was very close to her father and credits the Grief Support Group at her church as the one thing that got her back on her feet and helped her start to live again after his loss. Margaret is the Vice President of Summa Associates. She lives in Chandler with her husband and 11 year old daughter.

Please forward this e-mail to friends and family who are grieving a loss
Posted by InTime Of Sorrow

New Eulogy Site: In Remembrance

2010-04-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

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In Time Of Sorrow has begun a new eulogy site for the family and friends of those who have passed on.

In Remembrance is a site that allows for shared celebration of thoughts and memories in honor of deceased loved ones.
Whether a family would like to share a copy of a eulogy given at the funeral service, or provide a way for friends to share their public condolences for the family, In Remembrance makes it simple. In Time Of Sorrow also provides the service of comment moderation so that you have one less worry in this difficult time.

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

2010-03-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

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by Mary Zemites

When we suffer the death of someone we love, we experience mental, emotional and physical distress. In this fragile state, it is likely that we will feel resentment, indignation or anger. Sometimes these feelings may be the result of a perceived offense or difference with someone we know. Even, perhaps, with our deceased loved one.

During the final stages of my husband’s illness and after his death, I remember being surprised at the support and kindness of many people. Some, I hardly knew. I was also surprised by the absence of support and/or inappropriate remarks made by family and friends. One family member told me with great urgency that my children didn’t stand a chance. Her claim was that children of single parents are “always problems and in trouble.” Other comments, such as “It’s a blessing that his suffering is over” seemed flippant. Didn’t they know that any young father would gladly suffer in order to watch his children grow up! Everyone who suffers a loss experiences similar situations.

When we think of forgiving others, it may seem an impossible task in our distressed state of mind. We think, “I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m offended. Why should I have to forgive? I’m the injured party!” It takes great effort and strength to forgive. We are tired and emotionally spent. It is easier to push grudges out of our consciousness or to nurture them into anger in order to focus our emotional energy. The problem with avoiding forgiveness is that it is detrimental to our healing.

It has been my life experience that what goes around, comes around. I know I have made countless blunders in my life—conscious and unconscious—and I always have the expectation of being forgiven. So it is only right that I should forgive others. But that doesn't make the task any easier.

It may be surprising to learn that we can benefit greatly from forgiving others. In fact, we benefit far more than those we forgive. Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. This information is not new. The ancient Buddhist religion views forgiveness as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being. Buddhism recognizes that feelings of ill-will leave a lasting effect on our mind “karma.” And Judeo-Christian philosophy places great importance on forgiveness as a path to redemption.

Forgiveness is a vital step in the healing we need to recover from the loss of someone we love. Lewis B. Smedes writes, “If you’ve been hurt, do you deserve to go on hurting? Or do you deserve to be healed?” So, the question of forgiveness is whether we and our future are worth it. I think we are. And this make forgiving easier.

As we begin the process of forgiveness, we should be conscious of these common misconceptions:

- Forgiveness will make us feel better right away. (In reality, making the decision to forgive will be only the beginning of a slow, but ultimately satisfying process.)
- Forgiveness will only make the other person feel better. (The forgiven person often doesn’t even feel the need to be forgiven or know they have hurt you.)
- In order to forgive, we must tell the other person. (As above, the forgiven person often doesn’t know or care to be forgiven.)
- To forgive means to forget. (We may never forget the actions that we have forgiven.)

A clergyman once spoke about the difficulty of forgiveness by citing a personal example. After being grievously wronged, he felt the urge to run his car over the perpetrator. As he worked to find forgiveness, he imagined lightly braking, then braking completely and even stopping and waving. Finally, as he reached true forgiveness, he could imagine stopping and even offering the person a ride.

While this example might be comical, it illustrates how we must work on the process of letting go of our anger. Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen instantaneously. It is a journey of the heart.

We must internalize these truths as we deal with forgiveness:

- Forgiveness involves the mind, emotion and will.
- Forgiveness requires a conscious conviction of the need to forgive for our own benefit.
- Forgiveness attempts to understand the other person.
- We must desire to forgive.
- We must choose to forgive.

If we keep in mind that we will reap the greatest rewards of forgiveness, we can find the strength to take these steps. And these steps will move us forward on our journey of healing.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Naming Anger

2010-02-15T18:42:00.000-08:00

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by Mary Zemites

Anger. Such an uncomfortable subject for most of us to face and discuss. Anger is viewed as a negative emotion and most of us don’t like to pull it out and publicly examine it. It is important to understand that the emotion of anger is not negative or “bad.” In fact, it is a useful signal that there is a problem aching to be resolved. Only the actions that come from anger are sometimes negative or “bad."

When someone we love dies, we experience an intense, yet unfocused, emotional energy. The whole experience of loss is somewhat intangible in nature. At one minute there is a flesh and blood being that you can see, feel, hear and touch. And then there is nothing. It is very difficult to process our emotions in that void. It is both frustrating and unsettling. In this formless state, our emotional energy wears us out, leaving us feeling exhausted and defeated.

To constructively deal with feelings of anger, there are two important characteristics that we must understand.

First, anger focuses our emotional energy in a very powerful way and gives us a tangible target for that energy. It gives us a feeling of control in a situation where we were feeling out of control and powerless. As a focus for our emotional energy, anger can serve a useful purpose by enabling us to take steps to cope with our pain.

That leads us to the second aspect. Anger is almost always a secondary emotion. The target of our anger may not be the true cause of our pain, only the outlet of it for lack of a better target. It is extremely important that we analyze the real cause of our anger so that we deal with the actual issues we face.

Against the backdrop of the emotionally charged energy surrounding grief, we must be very careful to step back and objectively evaluate what is the true cause of our pain. In this situation, anger may have so powerfully focused our energy that the resulting actions can be very destructive. Until we can understand the underlying cause of that pain, we cannot cope with it in a positive way that will result in our own healing. And our own healing is the outcome we need.

Several years ago, I came across a simple prayer that has become a convenient tool for beginning to examine the true reasons for feeling angry.

Naming Anger¹

I know the one I have lost did not choose to die

and yet I am angry about this death.

It has turned my life upside down and inside out;

this absence brings anguish, loneliness and a sense of being abandoned.

It hurts to confess these feelings, but I must.

Sustain me as I explore this rage.

Lead me to understand that,

because the future as I designed it is now utterly lost,

I am more disappointed than angry.

Lead me to understand that,

because all that was orderly and certain in my life

is now chaotic and unsure,

I am more frightened that angry.

Lead me to understand that,

because I am powerless to bring my mate back,

I am more frustrated than angry.

Open my mind and heart to these truths.

Help me to let go of my misplaced anger

and to spin its thread into spiritual peace.

In order to benefit from our feelings of anger, we must name it (loneliness, fear, frustration, jealousy) in order to deal with it constructively. Working through these challenges enables us to move forward in our journey to a recovery that leads to inner peace and healing.

¹Beverly S. Gordon, Toward Peace – Prayers for the Widowed. St. Anthony Messenger Press, 1990, page 20.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Condolence Letters: Gentle Words Healing Hearts.

2010-02-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

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Quotes In Rememberance

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak

whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,

and death is only a horizon;

and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

~Rossiter Worthington Raymond

To live in hearts we leave behind

Is not to die.

~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. ~Author Unknown

Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains. ~Kahlil Gibran

Heartfelt condolence letters become some of the most meaningful mementos of a difficult time. These letters are tangible reminders of love and support.

It is always so important to acknowledge the overpowering feelings that your grieving loved one is dealing with. Often, people feel uncomfortable in this situation, but to not acknowledge these feelings is to give a cold shoulder. To ignore these feelings in order to "help them move on" is not the best answer.

Sharing a humorous or striking memory of the person who passed, and their relationship and importance to you and your loved one will make your letter a treasure beyond years. Always tell the person that you are so sorry about the person's death, and perhaps offer a concrete time or way in which you can "be there" for them.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Ways to Help a Child Cope with a Loss

2010-02-04T08:47:00.000-08:00

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By Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT

Advice for Parents, Teachers and Caregivers

To help children cope with a death, parents, caregivers, teachers and other significant adults in their life need to understand how children think about loss, death and especially what has changed for them.

Remember, helping a child cope with a loss is one of the more important skills you can teach.

The following list includes helpful suggestions for helping a child cope with death.

1. When talking to a child about a tragedy, first, find out what they know or think they know has happened. Children may be aware of more than you think.

2. Answer any question simply and honestly, but only offer the details that they can absorb. Do not give the child more information than is requested.

3. Let them know you will be available to listen. When they are ready to talk--listen.

4. Let the child have time to grieve, be upset and talk about their fears. Give them a chance to talk. Listen, validate their feelings and then provide reassurance.

5. Give the child different ways of expressing his or her loss, grief and sadness--verbal, written, creative, musical and physical.

6. Encourage the child to draw, read, write letters or poetry, sing, tell stories, play with clay, build and other creative means of expression are all helpful ways for a child to express grief.

7. Let the child go outside to play and be active can be a good way to run off the anxiety they may sense from the adults and feel themselves.

8. Try and keep regular routines. Children can grieve a change in behavior and mourn the environment and the predictability of a schedule that existed before the loss or death. Keeping regular routines can help.

9. Be patient and flexible. Children grieve intermittently. They may cry one moment and then play normally the next.

10. Remember that it may take the child a long time to recover from the loss or the death depending on the child, the type of loss and the relationship with the lost person, pet, object etc.

Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT is a respected physician, an expert in life challenges, loss, grief and bereavement, professional health educator, professor, lecturer and author. Dr. Dyer is the Domain Designer for the Journey of Hearts website, created in 1997 as the first and only physician-based website devoted to educating people about the normal grief response. In the Fall of 2007 Journey of Hearts celebrated 10 years of services to the Grieving Internet Community.

Sweeten the Tears, Take Away the Grief
Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them.
Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him.
Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.

-Pamela Glen-Conner

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Books for the Grieving Child

2010-02-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

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Healing Your Grieving Heart For Kids

This practical book for children is written by renowned grief expert Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. It is full of ideas and excercises for teaching the basic principles of grief and healing. The concrete activities help a child to identify their grief in a healthy ways, to let them know their feelings are not only normal, but required for renewed happiness. This book will help to lessen the difficult confusion and feelings of emptiness that come with the death of a loved one, and heal them to begin anew.

Memories Live Forever

This workbook is an aid for teaching young children and adolescents about death and their feelings of grief. It also serves as a place for them to save special memories of the person who died. It's 34 pages are full of exercises and activities to complete. An afterword directed towards parents and adults gives advice on helping children in this difficult time. The book works well within families to open up communication about death, as well as within groups of grieving children. By Sharon Rugg, LCSW, CT, RPT

Elf-Help books on grieving

"Good-Grief Guidebooks for Kids Dealing With Loss"--These series of books are a captivating way to offer children of all ages (and the people who love and care for them) a comforting, realistic look at loss, loaded with positive, life-affirming helps for coping with loss as a child. It's a book that promotes honest and healthy grief and growth. This is a fantastic resource for families to read aloud together. Written by Michaelene Mundy. Illustrated by R.W. Alley. Softcover 32 pgs. 8" x 8".

Tear Soup

"What's true about soup making is also true abut grieving." In this richly illustrated new book, Grandy has just suffered a big loss in her life, and so she is cooking up her own unique batch of "tear soup." You will glimpse into Grandy's life as she blends different ingredients into her own grief process. Her tear soup will help to bring her comfort and ultimately help to fill the void in her life that was created by her loss. Winner of the Theologos Best Book Award, this tells a universal story that teaches us about grief. By P. Schwiebert & C. DeKlyen and illustrated by T. Bills. It contains extensive list of grief resources and is appropriate for all ages - young child through adult.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Alan D. Wolfelt: GRIEF and RECONCILIATION

2010-01-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

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The Journey Through Grief: The Mourner’s Six “Reconciliation Needs”

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from the “before” to the “after” is almost always a long, painful journey. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the years, I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.

I have also learned that the journey requires mourning. There is an important difference, you see. Grief is what you think and feel on the inside after someone you love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.

There are six “yield signs” you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief—what I call the “reconciliation needs of mourning.” For while your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.

Need 1. Acknowledging the reality of the death.
This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again.

Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It’s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real.

Remember—this first need of mourning, like the other five that follow, may intermittently require your attention for months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.

Need 2. Embracing the pain of the loss.
This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss—something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.

You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.

Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin up.” If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.

Need 3. Remembering the person who died.
Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship.

But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.

Need 4. Developing a new self-identity.
Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.

You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent.” The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed.

A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage, someone still has to buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained.

You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear.

Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.

Need 5. Searching for meaning.
When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask “How?” and “Why” questions.

“How could God let this happen?” “Why did this happen now, in this way?” The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless.

The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty.

This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.

Need 6. Receiving ongoing support from others.
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot—nor should you try to—do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.

Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to “carry on,” “keep your chin up” and “keep busy,” many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. “It’s over and done with” and “It’s time to get on with your life” are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it.

To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed—even encouraged—to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.

Reconciling your grief
You may have heard—indeed you may believe—that your grief journey’s end will come when you resolve, or recover from, your grief. But your journey will never end. People do not “get over” grief.

Reconciliation is a term I find more appropriate for what occurs as the mourner works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death and a capacity to become reinvolved in the activities of living.

In reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feeling of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that your life can and will move forward.

Dr. Wolfelt is an internationally acclaimed grief educator and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins. This article is excerpted from his book The Journey Through Grief, which is available at www.centerforloss.com and bookstores nationwide.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Books for the Grieving Spouse

2010-01-24T20:25:00.000-08:00

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Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies

By Marta Felber - A Christian perspective to help readers cope with life's most difficult times. This book offers a voice that is caring, hopeful, always pointing ahead to a tomorrow that will be a little easier than today.

Having experienced her own spouse's death, Felber is never glib or simplistic. She knows the grief her readers are feeling, and she encourages them to give it full expression. At the same time, she offers sound, practical suggestions on how to navigate difficult days.

Paperback-160 pages.

Healing A Spouse's Grieving Heart

This book offers 100 practical, here-and-now suggestions for helping widows and widowers mourn well so they can go on to live well and love well again. Whether one's spouse died recently or long ago, they will find comfort and healing this compassionate book. By Dr. Alan Wolfelt, educator and grief counselor.

Paperback, 104 pages.

Towards Peace

The prayers in "Toward Peace" were born out of author Beverly Gordon's own struggle to accept the death of her husband, her own search for peace. This simple, wise and nourishing book of 33 prayers for those experiencing the grief associated with the death of a spouse is a favorite of mine.

I have personally shared these prayers with my widowed group for years and many participants have requested a copy for themselves.

The prayers deal with issues common to widows and widowers--loneliness, memories, anger, blame, built, healing and envy. And because the widowed in the early stages of grieving often find it difficult to concentrate, the prayers are deliberately brief and written in simple language. Each prayer begins with an appropriate Bible verse.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Mary Zemites: Her Story

2010-01-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

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Mary Zemites faced the loss of her beloved husband, Greg Jarczyk, in 1992. Left with three young children, she refused to let his loss defeat her. She immediately returned to school at Arizona State University to finish her Masters of Accounting Information Systems in 1993. She then went back to work while caring for her family.

Two years after her husband's death, Mary's young nephew, Sammy, was lost to cancer. After suffering through and surviving her own loss, Mary was able to support her grieving sister in a way that others could not. This experience inspired her to begin a new journey of helping the bereaved. And for ten years, Mary has been a valuable volunteer member of the bereavement ministry team at her church.

It is through natural progression that Mary came to open her own business, InTimeOfSorrow.com, an online store providing meaningful gifts for the bereaved. Mary knows the pain of loss...but she also knows the value of support and friendship through that loss. Her company has given her the wonderful oppurtunity to reach out to those who are "walking through the valley of darkness" and help them ease back into the light of hope.

Mary resides in Chandler, Arizona with her husband, Tom Zemites. She and Tom share five children and two granddaughters.

Mary's kids with granddaughter, Allie.

Powerlessness

2010-01-14T20:02:00.000-08:00

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by Mary Zemites

One of the most distressing aspects surrounding the death of someone we love is the overwhelming sense of powerlessness. The realization that we could not prevent this death and will not be able to prevent the future deaths of other people we love is profound.

Independence, productivity and being in control are very highly regarded in our society. In reality, we are all powerless against the inevitably of death. But somehow we often don't fully come to terms with this until we experience the loss of someone dear to us.

The word "powerless" has many synonyms -helpless, incapable, ineffective, defenseless, and weak. All have negative connotations and are all antonyms of that most valued adjective - strong. So, in addition to feeling as though our heart is broken, we are left with the overwhelming, absolute knowledge, that we are not in control of our lives. In a sense, we feel like victims.

We break down emotionally at the most inconvenient times and places. We are left to helplessly watch our child, parent, spouse, sibling or friend also suffer greatly in their grief. We can't focus on or complete even the simplest task. We can't sleep or eat in any regular pattern. In short, our entire lives are spinning out of control. Those first hours, days, weeks or months after someone dies can seem hopeless and unbearable.

How do we begin to recover? How do we turn these feelings of powerlessness into strength?

You are floundering. Trust yourself to flounder. After all, your world has been turned upside down. The previous order of your life has become totally disordered. Floundering is the correct and logical result. Trust it. Perhaps we can not make decisions or complete tasks because this is not the best time to make decisions or attempt tasks. Have faith that your new version of life will unfold, however slowly, and the course of your future will be revealed. Give it time and trust yourself to understand what to do and when to do it. Don't rush it or force it. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Have faith in a higher power. Believe that this higher power is wiser than you. Trust that it is good that you do not have compete control over everything and everyone in your life. To have this kind of faith takes courage. It takes humility. It takes insight. These are the qualities you can gain from your experience. These are qualities of strength.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

A GRIEF SHARED: Marital & Family Struggles After the Death of a Child

2010-01-09T13:41:00.000-08:00

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by Barbara L. Avitia

It had only been a few months since my son died. I was sitting at a couple’s retreat at our church, speaking with a woman who I was sure would understand my plight. After all, she had lost a child and a grandchild. She would know just how frustrated I was with my husband. I explained to her, “He just won’t talk about it at all!” I added in anger, “It’s so hard and I need him to talk to me!”

She reached across the table and gently rubbed my arm. “Honey,” she softly whispered, “just what do you expect him to say?”

Those nine words did more for my marriage than months of counseling could have done. A veil had been lifted from my eyes. I realized at that moment that I had been expecting my husband to "rescue" me from my pain. I hadn’t understood that he wasn’t equipped to say or do anything to help me recover. It was up to me.

Intense grief can be devastating to a family. Couples who experience the loss of a child have increased divorce rates. Children who’ve lost siblings or other close loved ones can feel lost for years. What can we do to overcome the pain and prevent the unraveling of the fabric of our families?

First, we must understand that the other members of our families have suffered the same loss as we have. If it’s a spouse, he or she has been slammed to the ground just as hard as we have. In our case, my husband and I felt very separated by our loss. We were lonely and frightened. Intimacy made us feel guilty. All of our common goals and aspirations had died with our young son, leaving us with a sense of disconnectedness from each other and from the world. Although we tried not to blame each other, we both felt responsible. And as parents, we considered ourselves failures because we were unable to save our son.

As my husband and I began to understand that we needed to stand side-by-side—and not lean on one another—we were better able to cope with our loss. We worked to keep our relationship strong, but turned to other sources of strength to support us during the most difficult times. For me, it was attending a bereavement group and diving into activities to keep my mind busy and focused. For my husband, it was speaking to his parents, spending quiet times remembering, and holding onto our son's treasured items.

In the case of a child, he or she has most likely been pushed into the background in the chaos of what has happened. Because of our own struggles, we had to work harder to be active parents to our daughter. She was at a vulnerable age of thirteen, and we tried to remain conscious of her pain.

Second, we need to let each member of our family grieve in his or her own way. I didn’t understand my husband way of grieving…and he didn’t understand mine. As a family we learned to give ourselves the freedom to walk our own paths. We were constantly aware of each other, but each moving forward alone in our individual struggles. “Just what do you expect him to say?” was my daily reminder that my spouse needed to nurse his own wounds and I mine.

Third, we must call in the professionals when necessary. Knowing that we might not be at our best as parents, I insisted that my daughter attend private counseling sessions. Her counselor was able to help all of us as she held our daughter’s hand and helped her through her grief. Although she was extremely resistant to see a counselor at the time, our daughter thanks us now for forcing her to go. Having an unbiased listener, being able to share her feelings both through dialogue and journaling, and being given some understanding of what was happening to her - these all helped her to emerge from the darkness and grow into a productive and happy young adult.

Perhaps sharing these eight words, "Just what do you expect him to say" can help a family survive the devastation a death wreaks on each member. Tenderness, understanding, and patience with one other allows us to move forward and, eventually, to heal. In this way, our families, though forever changed, can avoid the ruin that too often follows a tragic loss. Our families can survive to weave a new future together.

About the author:
Barbara Avitia, a college instructor, lost her three-year old son to neuroblastoma cancer in 1994. She is a guest lecturer on the Power of Suffering and has recorded her story for EWTN radio. She is a co-founder of 2Kids4Kids, a non-profit organization that gives financial support to families struggling with a seriously ill child.

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THE ANGELS ON OUR CHRISTMAS TREE: the silent grief of miscarriage

2010-01-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

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by Patti Keough

Each year as Christmas approaches I am reminded that one of my babies was due on December 17th. Poignant are the memories of having empty arms on a Christmas morning when I thought I would be holding a precious newborn child. The season was filled with celebration and my heart was filled with sadness. It seems as if life often asks me to hold contradictions – joy and pain at the same time. Miscarriage was not new to me. Ten years earlier my first pregnancy ended after 4 months of carrying my daughter in my womb.

Miscarriage is often referred to as “the silent grief.” This was my experience as I was “consoled” by statements such as “You are young – you can have another” and “It wasn’t really a baby.” As months passed after each loss I was silently grieving as I watched life go on as usual for those around me. My first miscarriage was in April. The next month, on Mother’s Day, all the women who were mothers were asked to stand in church and receive a blessing. I thought to myself - Am I a mother? Do I stand? I did not stand. Instead I cried. Then someone who had been with me just after my miscarriage asked “Are you crying because you miss your mom on Mother’s Day?” How soon they forget. I quietly responded “No. I am crying because my baby died.”

Silent grief still needs to be shared… with a spouse, a friend, or a loving God. In miscarriage, not only has a child died, but dreams have been broken, innocence has been lost and new fears nestle in. The sadness from the death of a baby needs to find a way to express itself. Pain turned inward just grows deeper roots that can entangle the heart and spirit. Pain that is expressed and shared allows the heart to grow, giving it room to open up again.

There are many ways to honor your pain and your baby after a miscarriage. Here are a few: Name your child, wear a piece of jewelry representing your child (heart, angel, birthstone, etc.), hang a new piece of art in your home or wind chimes outside, purchase and light a special candle, cry, plant a tree or flowers, join a support group or online network, talk about your child and your feelings, spend time in prayer, journal, pick a day to honor your child each year (the date you found out you were pregnant, the miscarriage date or the due date).

You may want to purchase a baby blanket or teddy bear, write a poem, read books and articles on miscarriage, make a memory box and put inside of it everything that reminds you of your baby (your positive pregnancy test, congratulations cards you received, a gestation wheel, doctor appointment cards, sonogram photos, etc.).

On holidays like Christmas and Mother’s Day, even your baby’s due date, purchase something you would have purchased for your baby and donate it to a women’s or child crisis center, and don’t forget to take some time to sit in the quiet and listen to the words that are whispered to you about how to honor your pain and your child.

I considered each of my pregnancies as a gift and blessing. Although I didn't realize it at the time, my miscarriages were also a gift. I could not see it at the time because they were both wrapped in so much pain. But through time and healing, as I unwrapped the pain, I could see the gift.

This gift has woven a new perspective into my life - one of surrender, acceptance and appreciation. Surrendering to the truth that I am not in control. Accepting what comes to me with grace, knowing I do not see or even know the bigger picture. Appreciating the moments in my life for the joy they bring, the compassion they call forth or the lessons they teach. Sometimes our most precious gifts do come to us wrapped in sorrow.

This Christmas, my husband and children and I will once again decorate our Christmas Tree. And in our usual tradition, we will place the ornaments representing our babies at the very top of the tree… the closest to Heaven.

About the author:
Patti Keough has worked in the field of grief for 15 years. She is the author of REMEMBERING OUR BABY. It is a journal for children who have had a sibling die before birth. Patti is also the owner of Blessing Pillow. She lives in Mesa, AZ with her husband and four children.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

Coping With the Holidays

2010-01-09T13:12:00.000-08:00

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by Mary Zemites

The holidays are upon us. The music, the decorations, and the anticipation of the celebration surrounds us. But we have a heavy heart and do not feel like rejoicing. Perhaps this is our first holiday season since our loved one died. Perhaps it is not the first. Either way, the grief and sadness can return at this time of year with a vengeance. We have little to be joyful about and everything seems to remind us of what we have lost.

It is a good idea to prepare and plan ahead in order to avoid being overwhelmed with grief during the holidays.

Don't face grief alone. Seek out friends and family for companionship and support. Whether it be for a quiet evening of visiting or going out to shop together, others can take the sting out of our loneliness. Phone calls, letters, and e-mails can keep us in touch with loved ones that live elsewhere. A bereavement support group can connect us to others who understand and share our pain. Also, we must recognize when we need to be alone and not be afraid to miss social occasions, if necessary. Whatever our needs, we must communicate them clearly to those around us.

Change our routines. It is often helpful to make minor, or even major, changes in our holiday traditions. A different location, worship service, or type of meal can help ease painful memories. Simplifying our holiday routine is a good idea. Grief is physically and mentally exhausting. Cut back on shopping, decorating and cooking, if we wish. Our family and friends will understand. It doesn't mean that we will lose that tradition forever, we are just putting it on hold until we have had more time to heal.

Memorialize the loss of our loved one. This tangible acknowledgement of their life can be very comforting. There are many ways to do this:

Donate time or money to a charity in their name.
Look through photo albums and/or create a scrapbook.
Plant a tree.
Prepare their favorite food.
Visit the cemetery.
Hang a memorial ornament on your Christmas tree.
Light a candle.
Have a prayer service.
Write a letter to our loved one.
Gather together family & friends to share stories and memories of our loved one.

Volunteer to help others who are in need. There are many in this world who are suffering in different ways than us. Reaching out to help the needy is beneficial to ourselves as well as others. At this time in our lives, we have a compassion born of our own suffering. Others can sense this compassion and we are called to act on our new perspective. Serving meals to the homeless, "adopting" a family for Christmas, helping at a children's center--this work helps us to count our blessings and keep in mind our brothers and sisters who are less fortunate than us. It is also a marvelous way to honor and memorialize our lost loved one.

Take time to care for ourselves. We can indulge ourselves at home with a good book, some hot cocoa, a warm bath, or a cozy fire. We may choose to get away to a beach, the mountains, or another city for a complete change of scenery. Get out and walk, take up a new sport, or join a gym. Physical activity will help relieve the stress and give us a renewed sense of confidence. We can sort out our emotions by journaling our thoughts and feelings.

Let the spiritual meaning of the holidays be our focal point. Faith gives us comfort and meaning. The holidays are intended to celebrate the miracle of God's love for us. Contemplate the depth and breadth of that love and seek hope and joy in remembering that even in the deepest pain, we are never removed from the love of God.

Looking ahead to this time of year may overwhelm us today, but there will come a time when we will be able to anticipate the holidays with peace and comfort. Until then, take one day at a time. The journey that begins with the new year will bring new joys and experiences.

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow

"What Can I Do to Help?

2010-01-09T12:59:00.000-08:00

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by Mary Zemites

What can I do for someone who is grieving? Is there really any way that a "bystander" can help?

These are questions we often ask ourselves when someone we know is faced with a loss. Watching a person suffer the pain of loss can be almost unbearable. Often in life it is easier to accept our own suffering that it is to accept the anguish of someone we deeply care about.

A feeling of isolation is common to those mourning a death. In our society, most of us run from suffering and death. Immediately after the death and funeral, we quickly withdraw back into our own lives. We may be uncomfortable with death and, subconsciously, even feel afraid that their misfortune will rub off on us. The most important thing is to "be there" for our friend or family member. We don’t have to completely understand what they are going through to help them.

Grievers need to know there is a person who will be there—someone with whom they can feel comfortable sharing their grief and sorrow—someone who will not change the subject or show discomfort when they cry. We can be physically there, sitting at their side as they talk or cry, accompanying them to appointments or activities, or simply standing beside them as they carry on with the work of life. Or, if we live in a different place, we can call or e-mail them on a regular basis. Whatever the form of interaction, it is important to stop and listen. Pay attention to what they are saying and don’t judge them or their feelings. This person is experiencing thoughts and emotions that are new to them. Sometimes their thoughts may seem disturbing. We must always listen calmly and reassuringly.

When initiating communication, it helps to inquire in specifics. Keep in mind that there are no words that will take their pain away. Our purpose is to provide an outlet or sounding board for their thoughts and feelings. If we just ask the standard question, “How are you doing?” it sounds rhetorical and often will be answered as such. Take the same question and make it more specific. “What is on your mind this morning?” “Did you sleep well last night?” “What are you going to do this afternoon?” This simple method subtly gives the message that you are ready to listen to even minor details and emotions. It immediately opens the door for a heartfelt interchange.

Those of us who wish to help by our actions often comment, "I told Susan to call me if she needed anything, but I haven't heard from her." On the flip side, time and again, I have heard a mourner say, "John and Jane said to call if I need anything, but I feel uncomfortable asking them for help."

Those who are grieving might have the following response to offers of help:

Did the person who offered to help really mean it?
How much or what type of help are they willing to give?
I don't want them to think I am going to become a pest.
To avoid these stumbling blocks, here are a few words we can use to best to offer help:

"I want to bring dinner to your family. Would this week or next week be best? Which night?"
"I am good at yard work. Why don't I come by next week and see what needs to be done?"
"I could help you get your tax information together this year. Let's get together in January to get started."

This way we can specify the type of help that we are willing and able to give. Stating a specific time frame tells the griever that you are serious about your offer and lets them know how to plan for that help.

Don’t be afraid to reach out a hand to those who are hurting. Help whenever and however we can, but don’t think we have to change our whole life to help them survive. They will begin to hurt less. They will get better. They will stand on their own two feet again. Just continue to love and be patient!

Posted by In Time Of Sorrow