Plan to rule the Universe

My cousin Ana's response to Bill O'Reilly

2012-03-07T00:21:11Z

Dear Mr. O’Reilly,

Your perception that this contraception attack on women is just an attack on our freedoms is truly misguided. And based on how you cut off Guests who oppose your beliefs, it is understandable how you may not have a full understanding of the Affordable Health Care Act.

It is the federal government’s job to protect American Consumers and Employees from shady dishonest Employers and Insurance Companies from exploiting and discriminating against them. Which means Employers and Insurance Companies are not FREE to exploit and/or take advantage of people.

The government does this by imposing basic common sense employment and consumer protection laws such as minimum wages and other labor laws, as well as basic consumer protection laws. The Affordable Health Care Act is there to make sure that insurance companies include a basic amount of minimal guaranteed coverage in the policies that they offer to all consumers.

And since 98% of women of childbearing age use contraception as a part of their monthly/annual reproductive wellness health, that coverage should be included as a part of the basic minimal guaranteed coverage. If not, then the insurance company/and or employer is discriminating against a female employee because the female employee deserves the same basic coverage for her needs than that of a man and his specific basic needs. It would be as if the insurance company decided it did not want to cover prostate health care for men because they don’t think it should be necessarily covered.

Also, Women are not demanding "free stuff." Women work hard at their jobs in order to "earn" their salaries and "earn" employee benefits including their insurance benefits. These benefits are not given away for free, and in many cases, these Women are paying for a portion of those premiums through deductions on their paychecks to help the employer pay for those premiums.

And last, but not least, once the Church goes into business employing and servicing the general public who may or may not be Catholic, then the Church must follow the same Federal and State Employment and Consumer laws every other Employer follows. This is because an Employer’s religious liberty ends where the Employee’s religious liberty begins. Nowhere in the first Amendment does it state that a person can enforce their religious values on their employees.

Also, it’s not that The Affordable Health Care Act is forcing the Catholic Employers to go out and purchase birth control or pass them out in Church. If the Church wants to offer health insurance to it’s employees, then all they are doing is purchasing health insurance. What the Employee chooses to use within that coverage, is the choice of the employee and not the Church. It would be as if the Church decided it was not going to pay its employees a salary because that salary may or may not go towards Contraception. That employee works to earn a salary and other employment benefits, what they do with that salary and benefit, is not the concern or the business of the employer.

You really love to throw around the first Amendment, but I don’t think you know it completely, because it clearly states that CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW RESPECTING AN ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION.

And I may never know if you ever read this or share this point of view with your viewers since it does not reflect your personal agenda, but at least I know that I sent it to you.

Sincerely,

Ana Zins

So you wanna do comedy on the road?

2011-10-14T01:32:06Z

It's Thursday. Five days since my last gig. Nothing on the books until Saturday, so, besides trying to hustle more work, I'm pretty much in down time. A holding pattern. Lots of web surfing...channel surfing...back of eyelids surfing....
The last 2 shows were, well...not what you'd see on Comedy Central. West Virginia was equal parts David Lynch and Larry David. The "crowd" was drunker than a homeless man who found a $20 bill near a liquor store. To characterize the barrage of non-sequiters and random noises blurted towards the dance floor area called the stage as heckling would be to disparage real heckling. Wrapping up felt like dismounting a mechanical bull. Fun, but in a ball busting and disorienting way. The next night in northern PA was a good show except for the drunk woman who began her crazy babbling before the host even took the mic. Drunk women are the worst offenders at live comedy shows. A drunk dude might pipe up, but usually they will lapse into a sullen heap once defused. A drunk woman knows no such restraint. Like a shrilly vocal Jason Voorhees, they will bring down a show with the tenacity of the honey badger. The only way to deal with them is to try and make them a part of the set or have them ejected. Both are disruptive to the magical hour long trade of humor for laughs that we all picture as the ideal. It takes years and experience to find that line where you aren't the big mean out of towner picking on the local lovable skank, nor the spineless pushover utilizing half your time wrangling with the annoying booze harpy. I set the rules with her from the beginning. I would allow a minimum of mouthiness, but when I needed her to zip it, I would utilize the safe word "Armageddon". By the end of the set, every time she began to blurt out some booze soaked non-sense, the crowd yelled "Armageddon!" in unison. It was beautiful.
So here I am, waiting for the next series of adventures in comedy. In the meantime, one show canceled and I had to drop another because my van decided it wanted to play "let's start acting fucked up and turn the Service Engine Light on and off randomly". Thank goodness my hosts for the week are amazing people and have allowed me to stay extra days and figure out my transportation issues. Looks like I'll be sinking money into a mechanic and a rental car (to finish the tour while the repair is done). Add to that the sudden unavailability of my Chicago area connections for a place to stay, which will be adding at least one more night in a hotel to the already spiraling downward budget.
Am I complaining? Nope. It's what we do. Another comic friend of mine was just informed that her vehicle is screwed. FUBAR'ed. She has three weeks left to go on this run and is over 1500 miles from home. How is she handling it? Better than most people would. Again...it is what we do. Comedians go through cars like NBA players go through shoes. Part of the package.
You have to be a special type of crazy to do this for a living. Operating costs (gas, hotels, food) have tripled in the last decade yet pay is stagnant or dropping. Clubs are scared to take chances, so they are booking conservatively, meaning that unless you have TV credits or are a regular at the club, good luck on getting in! "You'll need to do a guest set." Translated: Drive here, put yourself up and do a free set to maybe have the chance to know who will be ignoring your call for months until there is a fall out. It is a madness that makes jumping in a vehicle with 280k+ miles and driving another thousand to do a handful of shows which will net you, if you're lucky, $200 to $300 profit seem like a no-brainer. Black Ice and Lake Effect snow? Why not? Eating primarily from an ice chest or a dollar menu? Absolutely. Too broke to afford a hotel on a night off? Trust me...there are a ton of ways to sleep in the car. Done that. Slept there.
Yet, as rough as the road can get, I can't imagine doing anything else. I'm doing what I am supposed to do.
I just wish it were in a better car.
bd

Recipe Post: Chili Lentil and Sweet Potato Stew

2011-06-07T23:48:16Z

Ingredients:
2 cups lentils
1 sweet potato - diced
2 carrots - diced
2 stalks celery - diced
1 med onion - diced
2 cloves garlic - minced
1 jalapeno pepper - diced
1 14oz can crushed tomato
2 chipotle peppers (in adobo) - minced w/ 1 tbsp adobo sauce (or more to taste)
1 cup beer
8 cups stock or water
1 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp oregano
1 lime - juiced
3 bay leaves
salt, pepper and Worcestershire sauce to taste

Sweat the vegetables until onions are opaque. Add beer and reduce slightly. Add tomatoes, stock and lentils, along with spices, and cook until lentils and sweet potatoes are tender and consistency is stew like.
Serve with a dollop of yogurt and/or shredded cheddar. Or just shovel it into yer damn yap an shaaaadup!!!

bd

Recipe Post - Strawberry-Grapefruit Ceviche

2011-05-17T17:45:00Z

Ingredients:

1/2 lb Tilapia (or other ceviche fish) - small cubes
1 lg grapefruit - 1/2 juiced 1/2 chunked
1 lg strawberry - diced
1 lg radish - small dice
1 clove garlic - minced
1/2 habanero - minced
1 lime - juiced
1 tsp cilantro - chopped
1 tsp honey
salt, pepper and cumin to taste

Mix all in a non-reactive bowl and allow to sit for at least 4 hours until fish is "cooked". Serve with toasted pumpkin seeds and whatever else floats ya!

New Pledge for America Inc.

2011-05-16T16:50:28Z

"I pledge allegiance, to the logo, of the United Corporations of America,
and to the profit for which they stand, one Nation, underpaid, with liberty and justice for a few."

Why not just change it and stop pretending?

Our politicians are owned. The government regulatory agencies are toadies for the very industries they are supposed to regulate. The Supreme Court protects corporate interests in Orwellian examples like "Citizens United". Wall Street plays the markets with unbridled greed like coked-up wanna be rock stars, and gets bailed out while Main Street pays for their habits. The media is a complicit mouth piece, churning out opinion in the place of news and offering low budget shit in place of quality programming. Monopolies are now called "mergers" and shipping jobs overseas is protecting "the bottom line". The work environment is as poisonous as the world environment. Indoctrination is replacing education...the NRA gets more respect than the NEA...bullets over books...war before wisdom.

Where does it end? Can we turn the tide...reverse the course before it is too late?
Or is it already too late?

bd
5/16/2011

Who put this "multi" in my "culture"?!

2011-04-28T20:58:08Z

Or
"Pardon me while I whip out my long B.C. (birth certificate)"
Seriously people? Some smug, ultra-rich (despite numerous business failures) racially insensitive huckster spouts off that he wants to see the darkies papers and rather than laugh this pudgy, pus filled troglodyte off the planet, he is showered with non-stop media coverage and a new army of knuckle dragging mouth breathing supporters?
So the POTUS incredulously gives in. He produces FURTHER proof that he is indeed legally working in the USA. Unnecessarily, mind you. Proof had already been produced, but it wasn't enough for this army of brain dead "Birthers".
But that is the problem. No proof will ever be enough. This is a failing of moral fiber. These are people who come from a long line of xenophobic, fact deprived zombies. George Washington himself could rise from the dead and give his Founding Father Seal of Approval to the presidency of one Barack Hussein Obama, kissing him on the cheek and handing him the ax he whacked the cherry tree with as a Holy Scepter of Truth and there would still be that amorphous conglomeration of retrogressives crying "foul".
Look...those of us who live in the rational world are tired as hell of your knee jerk, moronic bleatings. You are all up in arms because your beloved Cracker Palace has been taken over by someone you can only envision as the help. Too damn bad. Guess what..."Leave it to Beaver" was a TV show and no amount of wailing and gnashing of false teeth can change the fact that the world is changing and you are being left behind. And not like in the crappy Rapture novels. Multi-culturalism is the new norm and most of us are cool with that. The whole "America as a melting pot democracy" isn't just some hollow platitude we mouth while flipping between Fox News and "Dancing with the Stars". You can't wrap your minds around the facts of a dynamic and changing world, so you live in your fear hovels and self reinforce narrow minded fallacies. But guess what...Minorities can do shit just as well as you! They can even be President! Oh! And poor people aren't all lazy brown welfare sponges popping out babies for extra cash and buying Louis Vuitton clutches. Not to mention, two people of the same sex can have long lasting marriages and gays can fight right along with straight people without trying to seduce them in the showers (despite your deeply buried fantasies of such). And these are the realities that are becoming part of the evolving experiment known as "America". Fighting this doesn't make you more patriotic. It makes you an embarrassment. It makes you less of an American.
Obama is the President. Deal with it. In 2012, you can try and vote him out. Unless you have actual issues with policy based on fact and not some corporate generated list of talking points, then kindly STFU. Maniacal ravings and conspiracy theories make you irrelevant and immediately dismissed.
K. Thanks.
Oh and MSM lackeys....quit giving these idiots a platform. There used to be this thing called "journalism". Google it. It's sad when it is hard to differentiate the news cycle from reality television. Shit. Wrestling is more authentic.
bd

G'pa

2011-04-11T06:58:52Z

I remember...
Remember holding the funny pages.
"What's this word, Grandpa?"
"Sound it out."
I remember...
Remember walking, stick held tight, like his walking cane.
Luby's
Church
Looking up to the giant.
Reading the books in the middle room.
Mowing bug infested lawn
His quiet gaze.
And in remembrance...love....
I remember...
His quiet gaze.

bd

Un-American American.

2011-01-13T21:06:42Z

America, is in my mind, like Bacon Salt.

Bacon Salt is amazing. It is a bacon flavored seasoning that is perfect on almost anything that actual bacon is good on, which is pretty much anything you can think of. With a few dashes, you can make your popcorn porcine. Turn biscuits bacon-y. Add hog to your hot dog.
Piggy perfection.
But, herein lies the rub (ba dump bump!)...
According to the website, Bacon Salt is "zero calorie, zero fat, vegetarian and kosher".
It is also low sodium.
So, in essence, what we have here is a low salt, non-meat, fat free fatty meat salt.
Wrap your mind around that. Then sprinkle some Bacon Salt on it. Yum....
But, as the thought of bacon is known to make me, I digress....
How is America like Bacon Salt?
Because, despite its existence, it shouldn't exist. It is a conundrum. A melange of seemingly disparate elements coming together to make a wonderful whole.
Individually, we are only American in relation to other Americans. American isn't just a flag, an oath or even a birthright. It is an interactive, evolving idea. America exists because the definition of America grows. America is inclusive, not exclusive.
And that is probably the most pernicious element of much of the rhetoric flying around. It isn't the violence of the words and images. America has always been a culture that glorifies and glamorizes violence. It is the underlying message that it is OK to think of those who disagree with you as "Un-American". As not one of us. An other. Unworthy of basic respect. To be destroyed and eradicated.
There isn't really any such thing as "Un-American"
I can hear the rebuttals now..."Socialism is Un-American!" No it isn't. We have Socialists and much of our local, state and national programs work with socialist principles. We have co-ops and public parks. "Censorship is Un-American!!" Wrong answer. There are things that you cannot print, broadcast or share. Censorship is an integral part of the communications structure. Just look at the brouhaha over Wikileaks.
Almost anything you can name is somehow represented in this country.
I have traveled all over the U.S.A.. From Duluth to Dothan. Kalispell to Kickapoo. It is in America where you can eat at a Chinese Buffet owned by Pakistanis, staffed predominantly by Mexicans and serving mostly Anglos and African Americans. Where, in the heart of Texas, you can listen to music that is a product of German and Mexican influence. Korean BBQ tacos in L.A. A mosque next to a Blockbuster in Dearborn. Where, when tragedy strikes, we do not stop to ask what nationality, what religion, what sexual preference you are when we lend a hand. Get on the El, or a NYC subway and you will see what America really is. Go to the Jazz Festival in New Orleans, or attend a pow-wow in South Dakota. Get away from the endless stream of divisive narrative being spewed from radios and televisions and actually go out and experience this great country of ours and you will see what I mean. Those who disagree with you are not enemies or others, they are proud Americans whose input into the national dialogue only helps to mold and enrich, not destroy. In fact, I'd submit to you, that the only thing that is "Un-American" is the concept of "Un-American" itself. Heterogeneous and proud of it!

Flicking matches at leaves...

2011-01-11T21:55:54Z

Let's get this straight, first off. No one is blaming the shooting in Tuscon on anyone other than the nutbag with the gun.
(The fact that an obvious killer clown could PURCHASE said gun? Well...that's another topic all together. I'm not going to open the gun rights can of explosive worms in this post.)
The evidence of any direct relationship isn't there, and to try and make such a connection is logical gerrymandering at best, and cynical politicization at worst.
But, that being said...
No one can deny the acceleration of violent imagery and eliminationist rhetoric coming from the far right camp of the political spectrum. To do so is completely disingenuous. Or denial. Or plain lying. Guns at political rallies have never been as evident as in the last year and a half. Signs touting Jefferson's quote on tyranny and politicians recommending "second amendment remedies" abound. A quick search of the web will turn up more examples of this than I care to link here. Suffice it to say, it's been ugly. Big stage cheerleaders like Beck, Palin, Limbaugh, Boortz and ilk, fueled on the poisonous teat of "Newsmax" and "Drudge", spouting nasty, vitriolic rhetoric into the airwaves, egged on by a corporatist mainstream media too enthralled by the spectacle and profit to show a modicum of journalistic integrity, all repetitiously shouted into the echo chamber, drowning out more moderate voices. Crazy like a Fox. And just as nasty when feeling cornered.
But do we blame them? No. Are they culpable? Not in any straight line causal fashion, no.
But like the adult who leaves matches lying around in a room full of children, they can not hide behind innocent denial. Especially when they knew the house could catch fire, but didn't care.Or maybe, deep down, they wanted it to burn, but couldn't spark the flame themselves. "Oops! Where did I put all those lighters? Silly me...."
The problem is...the adults have left the building. And what we have left is juveniles getting into trouble. Playing with fire.
I am all for freedom of speech. I am all for the right to bear arms. I am for free market principles and self determination. But I am also aware of the rapid juvenilization of our society. Education standards are in the pits. Reality TV has taken over not only the airwaves, but the national dialogue. We are becoming a mass of easily malleable, Snuggie clad consumers, buying whatever the cartoon sells us, from drugs to politicians, with absolutely no sense of impulse control.

Forever Lazy

Needing hugs.

Throwing temper tantrums when we don't get what we want.

Our problem isn't what is being said. It is who it is being said to. There was a current refrain from certain politico's in this last election.
"Man up!"
No.
Grow up.

A Holiday message to friends and trolls.

2009-12-25T21:11:10Z

OK..I realize this journal can dive into some self-indulgent tirades and all, but if you are a regular reader and friend, you know this already. You probably enjoy those moments, and for that I thank you. I plan on writing here more often and on a more varied pool of topics and themes. Seeing as we have chosen the Roman Calender based on the poorly guessed date of a Christian prophet, I will play along and declare that I will be hugely more productive in 2010. Lot's of fodder to sift through.
That being said, if you are a hateful troll who enjoys leaving anonymous comments full of bile and crap on this blog, I will delete your shit. If you don't have the guts to own your asininity, then you don't deserve the respect of being seen. Period. I'm sorry you have had a sad little life that revolves around typing bullshit attacks behind the safety of a keyboard. Unknown douche from near Meridian MS, get a fucking life. All of the scared little haters, either grow a pair and bring it with a name, or be deleted.
Sorry for the tone, but if I am going to start writing here again, I need to re-establish the ground rules. I am not afraid of a good debate, or even a round of insult one-upmanship. Bring it on fuckers.
Oh, and Merry Chriskwannakuhmas.
bd

Recipe post - Eggnog French Toast (or Pain Perdu avec le Nog)

2009-12-24T16:42:35Z

As much as I like an occasional glass 'o liquored up nog, the thought of finishing a quart of the stuff sent seismic tremors throughout my digestive system. Back in New Orleans, I would have made daiquiris out of the leftovers, but in the chilly tundra of a Chicago December, this seemed like a really dumb idea. I'm cold enough on the exterior. Rather than waste the remainder of the gooey fluid, I put it to use as a yummy morning treat. Nomnomnom...

Eggnog French Toast:

2 to 4 thick slices of bread
(Please don't use pre-sliced white bread! Get some good thick French or Challa or such)
1 cup prepared eggnog
(you could make it from scratch, but why the hell do that?)
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
dashes of cinnamon
Powdered sugar
Syrup or other favorite toppings

Cut thick slices of good bread and set aside. Beat the egg and add to eggnog, vanilla and cinnamon in a shallow dish or pie pan. Soak the bread slices in mixture for a couple minutes on each side. On a flat pan or skillet, melt some butter until slightly bubbling, then cook slices of soaked bread for a couple minutes on each side, until nicely browned. Plate with favorite toppings. The picture here has powdered sugar, maple syrup and a dash of Mulberry jam for a tart counterpoint.
This recipe contains 1 billion calories and a buttload of fat, but who the hell cares!

More random acts of madness for Festivus.

2009-12-24T00:48:54Z

I'm probably not going to make a lot of friends with this admission, but I really f#cking can't stand Paula Deen. Hate her. Really. Everything from her uber-stereotypical "Yaawwwwllll" to the fact that she fries fat chunks in butter as if it were some simplistic Southern food ritual to boil shit in lard. Ummm...no. Yes, butter is wonderful, if used correctly. I am also a big fan of animal fats in their many forms, from rendered duck fat to bacon grease. But this over-make-up'd faux granny "chef" makes me want to never eat south of St Louis again. That is, if I didn't know better. According to reports, the current strain of H1N1 (aka "Swine Flu" for those of you living in media denial) came from a poorly monitored Smithfield pig farm in Mexico. Who is the celebrity face of Smithfield? Hmm? Yep...Paula "More annoying than two cats in heat mating on a chalkboard surface" Deen. Coincidence? I think not. She is the Anti-Christ of Food. Or is that Rachel Ray? Nope. It's Paula...Rachel is a lesser demon.

I wish Facebook would quit trying to make me become friends with Paul Giamatti. Seriously. I don't know the dude. I thought he was OK in "John Adams" and passable in other films, but it isn't like we'll be chatting online about our upcoming schedules and trading recipes. And I won't poke any of my family member, so cut it out. Seriously. You're creeping me out something fierce. It's bad enough you keep trying to set me up with single women over 40 in my area. Just because I am over 40 means I have to DATE over 40? And I won't become a fan of Walgreens, VISA, or any other corporate sponsors until they become a fan of ME. And give me free shit.

Here's one for the "this is what irony means" file. The HCR debate is making me sick.
Another entry...The lady at the bank line who bitched to us about the people ahead of her taking up too much time with the tellers, only to get to the teller and begin a tirade about people taking too long. A long-winded tirade, involving other tellers.

I hope you all have a Happy Whateveryoucelebrate.
bd

Open letter to Coburn, Lieberman and associates.

2009-12-16T20:43:59Z

Dear ELECTED officials...
I would like to thank you. Thank you for looking out for the welfare of the planet and the citizens that inhabit it. For years, I had just assumed that your policies were merely based on greed and power. It seemed to me that, by being complete lackeys of the lobbyists and big business, that you were merely operating from a detached and self serving position. By stalling the health care reform bill, thereby allowing more than 1,500 people a day die due to lack of coverage, and not to mention the deaths caused by financial ruin, I assumed you had no humanity left. By fighting any and all environmental policies, and allowing the planet to change in ways that allowed drought, super-storms and other deadly conditions to prevail, it seemed to me that you did not care even for future generations. Blocking stem cell research, denying AIDS funding, and lack of regulation of medicines, food and water all drew a picture to me of soulless sociopaths with no connection left to the human condition. Let's not forget sending thousands of young men and women into illegal wars (of course, not your sons and daughters!) I could never fathom the depths of evil you had sold your souls into.
Then it dawned on me. One day, driving through the Mid West, I saw a deer run across the road. I thought of the venison sitting in the freezer at my mothers country home. It made me think of all the arguments I had engaged in with vegetarian friends about hunting. "Don't you see?" I would argue, "If we don't hunt them then they will over-populate. In the long term, they would die of disease and starvation and over-population"
Over-population.
It was then that I had my epiphany! You didn't hate humanity! You are trying to save it. By culling the human population, there is the possibility that the remaining living could have rich and fruitful lives. You protect us from ourselves. By allowing the less fortunate to die, you are actually saving humanity for your family and friends. Good thing you have health care and safe lodging! If it weren't for you, the whole human race could destroy itself. Thank you. Thank you for not sending YOUR sons and daughters into war. Thank you for isolating them and yourselves from the day to day struggle of the human condition. If you had not, then who would look out for the welfare of man kind?
Sincerely
A Voter.

I may be broke, but I'l never be poor.

2009-12-05T21:29:33Z

I've never been outright mean to the homeless and panhandlers. Maybe my fear of a great karmic backlash combined with a very personal and up-close knowledge of poverty kept my less kind devils in check. Usually, I'd say about 70% of the time, I avoid eye contact and mutter a sort of half guilty apology. Usually an unintelligible mutter so that I could feign a lack of knowledge of the English language should the individual in question be of the overly persistent kind. "No hablar" or "Je ne parle pas" as a follow up would normally dissuade them, though one time I was caught in the lie when the beggar answered in Spanish. He then shifted into the 30th percentile. The 30th percentile, obviously, are the times when I do give money. Maybe I'm in a particularly good mood, or the panhandler in question is particularly creative in signage or technique. I watched one guy in the French Quarter, as I was enjoying a frosty beverage near the street, come up with so many different and creative approach lines that I actually went to him with money and a compliment. Nice form dude!
I've seen people recoil in disgust...cross the street to avoid eye contact..spit. As if these people are less than human. As if it weren't possible that, through a series of unfortunate incidents, that they too could find themselves in a similar situation. Probably the reaction that makes me most angry is when they pass by and say "Get a job!". Get a job. Sure. I'm pretty sure I know how I would react if hurled such a heartless insult...
"Get a JOB? Wow! You're soooo right! Why didn't I think of that? All these days digging through trash cans for food, sleeping in alleys..And all I had to do was GET A JOB?! Damn. Wish I had thought of that. I'm going to go home right n...oh wait. I don't have a home. No problem. I'll just steal some soap from a store and bathe in a fountain or something. Then I'll put on my best suit. Damn. Forgot again...no suit. No worries..I'll just MAKE ONE!! That's right! Maybe out of old rags and bags and newspapers...I'll use the funny papers to make a colorful and wacky tie! Then I'll march right into the first Fortune 500 company I can find and demand a job. Yep. It's all good now! No more homelessness or poverty for ME! Thanks big guy! Hey! I bet you have a job! Could you hook me up? No??"
Then I'd stab him in the neck. Which, by the way, would take care of that homelessness thing. Not to mention the food, health care benefits and companionship.

For those of you on Facebook, if you're looking for a last minute gift or stocking stuffer, please consider clicking below:
Support a Comedian, get a CD!!

Happy Holidays mes amis!!
bd

Red Shirt Fridays

2009-10-19T15:24:04Z

I got an e-mail from my Aunt Mary, whose son Corey just recently joined the Marines. I felt that this would be a more effective way of sharing this than forwarding it through e-mail. Here is the text:

I found a website for this as well:
http://www.redshirtfridays.org/
Red Shirt

If the red shirt thing is new to you, read below how it went for a man.
Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine
sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two
together..
After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been
invited
to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading
home.
No, he responded.
Heading out I asked?
No. I'm escorting a soldier home.
Going to pick him up?
No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq, I'm taking him home
to his family.

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to
the
gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn't know
the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's
family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few
days.

I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you. Thank you
for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do...

Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the
following announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor
of
having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on
this
flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I
ask
that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to
allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We
will
then turn off the seat belt sign."

Without a sound, all went as requested.. I noticed the sergeant saluting
the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me
realize
that I am proud to be an American.

So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you
do
so we can live the way we do.

Red Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday.
The
reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent
majority." We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God,
country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized,
boisterous or overbearing.

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to
recognize
that the vast majority of Americans support our troops. Our idea of
showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect
starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the
troops
all come home, sending a deafening message that ... Every red-blooded
American who supports our men and women a far, will wear something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every
Friday a sea of red - much like a homecoming foot ball game in the
bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this
with
acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long
before
the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once
"silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than
the
media lets on.

The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things
better for you?" is "We need your support and your prayers." Let's get
the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear
something red every Friday

I found a website for this as well:

Thanks and peace out
bd

Of Balloons, Banks and booze....

2009-10-17T23:36:26Z

Really? The balloon boy was a hoax? No shit. OK..let's imagine.
You've lost, say, your keys. Car keys. You look EVERYWHERE. The freezer. Twice, because you actually left them there once (true story, but that is for later..).
You tear up the house for what seems like an unreasonable amount of time. Plead with whatever deity/spouse/pet around.
"Where are the damn keys!!!"
Then when you can't find them, maybe you call around. "Did I leave them at _____? No? O.K. Thanks."
Then there they are. Behind the bed stand, where you looked 3 times, but didn't really pull it out from the wall.
What is my freakin' point? Those are keys. They lost a child.
A 6 year old child is bigger than a damn set of keys. A hell of a lot larger. And noisier too.
He was in the damn attic, hiding. If I hid from my parents due to a ridiculous stunt like this, it had better be in a non-English speaking country. One that doesn't honor extradition.
And an attic is only so big. So let's review. They lost the kid. Called in NORAD. "He's in the balloon!"
I doubt they even checked the freezer.
I went to the bank yesterday, to pull from it's steely grip a little of MY money. My bank is a big bank. Their name is something that cops do to criminals when they run.
Dogs do it to mailmen.
You get the picture.
Any way, they had a sign..a promotional ad. It was a smiling woman drinking coffee. On the ad it said, in her voice, obviously, "I opened a new account and they gave me FREE COFFEE!"
Cool. I'm sure with their billions in profits, that cup of watered down swill set them back about...ummm....4 cents. Goodie.
How about giving out loans? How about giving back some of the money you took from the tax payers? No.
Wait until she gets the fees, and penalties. Maybe a deposit clears AFTER a check and they rape her for $40.00.
Next thing you know, they'll have a picture of her...sitting on a curb dressed in rags.
"They gave me soup when I put all my money in their black hole account!"
Time for another beverage. Peace.
bd

Thoughts and random observations on a chilly Chicago day.

2009-10-16T17:21:39Z

By all rights, I should not have been awake since 5am. UNTIL 5am? Definitely. AT is a different story. The 2 day journey to my new place with a screaming, bodily fluid covered cat (btw..the pills? Didn't do a thing..),uber-patient Josh in the drivers seat, the cold, gray weather and construction upstairs, have jacked with my sleep patterns completely. I seem to have a knack for moving in to places where there is construction on or near the property. Unlike post-K, most of the ambient conversation is in English. Most of my crap is in boxes or scattered across 3 states. I'm kind of in limbo, as I'm headed back to NOLA for b'day, Halloween, 4 shows and some much needed bar shifts. Moving is never cheap. There are always the unexpected costs. Always. Maybe since my bank posted record profits despite the shitty economy, I could hit them up for a loan. Right. I'd have better luck tracking down the pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow shooting from my ass. Unicorn rides, anyone?
I am going to miss New Orleans. The sort of comfy/homey sameness...the musical score constantly in the background ...the lust for life of it's crazy denizens...but the shadow of post-K seems to have settled into the fabric of the city. There is a saddened, muffled feeling that, though completely understandable, was inexorably seeping into my own spirit. It's a "glass-half-full-but-of-what?-and-look-at-the-crack-that-glass-ain't-gonna-hold" vibe. The forced smile of a good trooper.
I dig Chicago. Being back in a major metropolitan city is energizing and challenging. I'm one stop off the Red Line from Chinatown and 15-25 minutes from pretty much anything I want or need. Except a job, it seems. Not really the market to roll into broke, but once the gigs come together, it won't matter. Rent is cheap. I've eaten very well for years...partied even better...maybe it's time for a more ascetic approach to diet and life-style. Not getting any younger, that's for true. A great litmus test for your aging process is the number of times and money spent on crap that goes in the bathroom and medicine cabinet. Used to be just t-paste, Advil and deodorant. Now there's pills for almost every biological function, random creams and ointments and other assorted pain relief goods. Staving off the inevitable. The incessant crawl of death, waved further away by juju pills and magic goo. Feh. It's gonna happen. I've already decided that I want my tombstone to say "Well, I guess THAT didn't make me stronger!" Maybe have it play songs like a jukebox.
One last thought, before this descends into a pit of morbidity, since when is being an uber-breeder reason to be a celebrity? Penis and Vagina plus 12? Octo-Mom? Look who's pregnant now!! Babies babies babies!! Considering the rapid decline of the environment, the never-ending Orwellian war scenario and the amount of overpopulation already extant, should we really be celebrating bringing anyone into this shit storm? If the ability to pop out a live fetus is a cause celebre, then there are a lot of superstars in trailers and shacks and huts and projects all over this groaning, rapidly dieing planet.
As if ending on that note was any better.
bd

Hello friends..and Claire...

2009-09-11T00:54:53Z

I'm baaaaaaack!
bd

Aww shoot.

2009-03-05T13:38:52Z

I found nearly a dozen spent 9mm shells in the street in front of my house this morning. I guess the loud popping noises that woke us up at 3am weren't really loud fireworks.
Not digging it. Not at all...
Claire...did you finally decide to act out your rage?
heh.
bd

Oh yeah...go figure....

2009-02-22T21:38:21Z

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Social Justice Crusader, also known as a rights activist. You believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

billzbub @ 2009-01-22T13:55:00

2009-01-22T19:58:06Z

Become a fan on Facebook! http://ping.fm/wrrGh

billzbub @ 2009-01-22T12:44:00

2009-01-22T18:47:10Z

Caffeine is a magical elixir. All hail the energy juice!!

billzbub @ 2009-01-21T20:33:00

2009-01-22T02:36:51Z

Going to try some new funny at Carrollton Station tonight...9:30ish.

billzbub @ 2009-01-20T15:17:00

2009-01-20T21:20:28Z

Come celebrate with me at Vic's Kangaroo tonight! Let's mix red and blue and make drunk purple!

billzbub @ 2009-01-20T14:52:00

2009-01-20T20:54:56Z

Try again. www.whitehouse.gov