Note: This is intended be a light-hearted piece that hits just close enough on some counts to (hopefully) be funny. Please don't take it too seriously.  (Oh, and for the record, I've actually said more than one of these things myself).

Things Entrepreneurs Never Confess To Their Investors

1. You know that candidate you introduced me to? Well, he was kind of a schmuck.

2. We had our management team meeting yesterday and we've concluded that we're kind of screwed.

3. I know I should know this, but I have no idea what participating preferred means — and who should prefer it.

4. We've got a big launch of our mobile app scheduled for April 1^st, we've lined up some great PR and everything is ready to go. Just one minor detail: We have no idea when Apple's going to approve the app for the AppStore. We wisely refrained from putting an early version through the process, because we're in “stealth mode”.

5. It finally hit me that revenue and cash are not the same thing. Customers provide “revenue”, employees want to be paid in cash.

6. I'm wondering if I should worry that the 10 year Oracle sales executive we hired for VP of Sales hasn't really sold anything yet. Oh, and I think he wants my job.

7. My co-founder had a major life event come up (the event was that he decided he wanted one). He'll be leaving us but is happy to continue to contribute as a strategic member of the board of directors. I didn't know he had a lawyer, but the lawyer assured me that my co-founder would “Vest In Peace”, which sounds like an amicable parting.

8. Learned from tech guy yesterday that our entire back-end runs on a single “virtual” Amazon EC2 instance. Also learned that “virtual” means that it can virtually disappear whenever it wants. That's why the engineering team has been working for months on this horizontally scalable, self-replicating, auto-healing architecture so that when we start getting some paid customers, we'll be ready.

9. Had to execute some “executive leadership” yesterday. At the last management meeting, our VP Marketing was telling me we were getting crushed in the market because of two big missing features. I told her that on the startup battlefield, wars are not won by features. Besides, we're investing in our future, not our present. That's why the entire engineering team is working on building a scalable, self-replicating, auto-healing architecture.

10. We have 11 months of cash left in the bank. Adjusted for inflation. But, not adjusted for the fact that we have no idea if any of our large, enterprise deals that our VP of Sales sold is ever going to pay us in a form that can be used to pay bills and payroll. Our landlord is clueless and doesn't understand the importance of the strategic deals we're doing and the raw brand-value of the logos we're collecting for our website.

11. Our VP of Sales keeps saying “land and expand, baby, land and expand”. I don't know what that means exactly, but we've been doing a lot of landing and not a lot of expanding.

12. I'm super-excited! We had our first acquisition offer yesterday. Well, it wasn't really an offer. And no, they didn't really use the word acquisition, or M&A or “buy”. But there was some high-level, strategic talk about how we could work together. And, he paid for lunch, so there must be some interest.

13. We're planning on throwing a big, bad, holiday party. It's not one of those crazy launch parties. We want to treat it as a “recruiting” event. Yes, yes, I know that there's no additional head-count in the budget, but we to be proactively filling the candidate funnel. Startups are “all about the people”.

14. Back in college, when you “audit” a course, it meant you just tried it out and see if you liked it. Why does “auditing financials” have to be so intense?

15. We've found new office space. To be consistent with the 5 year pro-forma we showed you at the last board meeting, we'll be signing a 5 year lease that matches the space needs based on those projected numbers. It's nice when things just work out, isn't it?

16. I woke up this morning with this really big idea. It'll make the idea you invested in pale in comparison. The good news is that we can reuse the work the engineering team has been doing. Not only have they been building something that's horizontally scalable, self-replicating and auto-healing, they had the foresight to build something infinitely flexible too. Now I know the importance of hiring great people — ones that have the vision to see your vision and can adjust their vision based on your new vision. This is going to BIG!

What do you think?  

Looking for other startup fanatics?  Request access to the OnStartups LinkedIn Group.  130,000+ members and growing daily.

Oh, and by the way, you should follow me on twitter: @dharmesh.

The Recursive ISV - Software Development - Wash Rinse Repeat

Recently on the Business of Software forum I engaged in a thread on SEO.   Up on that forum my signature links to this website.  Which in hindsight is probably not a very good thing.  This site has been largely untouched since I took it down the middle of last year after it was DOS’d into oblivion consistently due a [...]

Self Challenge And The Future Of This Site

Sailesh Ramasray

Bob and Pat talk with BizFusion Founder Sailesh Ramasray about his online accounting solution geared towards small businesses with inventories.

Sailesh, a serial startup founder in the Netherlands, explains how they differentiate their accounting web service for physical product-centric companies from their competitors, and tier pricing through different subscription plans.

We talk with Sailesh about the Dutch Startup Scene, going after a series of national markets, advice for European startups and more.

Also, during the first 13:52 we talk about Bob’s newest project, FreelancerCashFlow.com, a cash flow web/mobile app for freelancers and the self-employed.

Thinking about doing a MicroConsult with Bob Walsh? Stop by 47hats.com and let’s chat a bit about your startup as a first step. I hold free “online office hours” Monday-Friday 6:30am-7:30am and 4-6pm PST UTC -8. Details at 47hats.com. Or, send me your startup question via AskBob, and let’s get a conversation going! Play it now!

Download Show #133 here: Show #133 Or if you prefer, Subscribe to the podcast in Apple iTunes.

Bob Walsh is at 47Hats, @bobwalsh or you can email him at bob.walsh@47hats.com. Patrick Foley blogs at PatrickFoley.com, is @patrickfoley or you can email him at patrick.foley@microsoft.com.

URLs mentioned/relevant to this show:

• PlaceKitten.
• Bootstrap, from Twitter (now even more awesome 2.0!).
• 7 Free Twitter Bootstrap Themes for WordPress.
• FreelancerCashFlow – sign up now for a special launch offer!
• Happy Birthday! Noah Kagan was born on 2/17/1982, so says Skype.
• BizFusion
• BizFusion Blog
• The other Dutch Startup Interview: Show #121: Marc Köhlbrugge, founder Betali.st

Download this episode, in which Gavin and Andrey talk about signing up as a NOOK developer, the BlackBerry Boxee Remote app, paid apps vs. ads, an update on Nightstand for the iPad, in-app-payments and good deals, updates and sales increases, anti-IAP reviews, app store scams, Andrey’s service offerings, interviews, Android on PlayBook, Sneezies on Android, the Android market as a viable platform, Quintu on Android, Happy Poo, the appeal of contract work, Retro Dreamer‘s new games, iPad 3, iOSBizWeekly, and pricing above $0.99.

• Sales Engineer in Soest
• System Administrator in Soest
• Software Developer in Soest

We would also appreciate forwarding and sharing the job postings if you know anyone who might be interested in this. Thanks!

This is part of an ongoing startup advice series where I answer (anonymized!) questions from readers, like a written version of Smart Bear Live. To get your question answered, email me at asmartbear -at- shortmail -dot- com.

Ambitious Sailor writes:

How can a former navy officer with twelve solid years of overseas defense contracting experience convince a tech startup to hire him as their business guy?

I’m currently talking to [CEO] at [hot new tech company] and I have an interview coming up.

I have a love of entrepreneurship and I figured I may be able to learn a few things from smarter people than myself.

Replace your question with “why” instead of “how:”

Why should a former navy officer with overseas defense contracting experience be “the business guy” at a startup? Especially a hot tech startup?

My guess is, if you’re honest, the fact is that there is no particular reason you should be the CEO of that company. Which is why you’re asking me how to convince them otherwise.

But that’s not to say you shouldn’t be! There or somewhere. The question is not “how to convince,” the challenge is this:

Define the startup in which you would be the perfect person to be CEO or Biz Dev. Not just “OK,” not just “no reason why you couldn’t,” but perfect. No one one Earth better. Construct one startup like that — an imaginary startup.

Who would the founders be? (Probably technical with no sales or business experience, so they need someone for that role.)

What industry would it be? (Probably defense, a place where you have to “know someone” and “know how the game is played” to participate at all, where the founders aren’t those people, so they’re dead unless someone like you runs sales.)

What type of product would it be? Technical? Administrative? Mission-critical? Think hard — a startup doing something mission critical is a hard sell. What kind of product could you sell with your eyes closed

Where is the startup? (e.g. maybe it’s not near Washington, but washington is where everything goes down and you don’t mind being there, so they need you there.)

Keep going, what else? You don’t mind travel; what kind of biz dev or sales requires overseas travel that you can do cold but the founders would be bewildered?

Of course I’m ignorant of this whole industry so it’s quite likely I’m not even in the right ballpark with any of those ideas. But the mindset is right.

Now, does the startup you find have to match exactly on every point? No. But now you know what you’re looking for.

And, once you find it, you’ll get the job. If not, they’re the crazy ones.

Add your advice to the discussion section!

Sign up for AppSumo's daily deals specifically for web geeks & entrepreneurs.

Normally, I don't like to criticize someone else's content — particularly when it's from a source like FastCompany, which I respect and enjoy reading. But, today, I came across this article that talks about the values of the “Not-So-Lean” Startup. It caused a visceral reaction in me as I was reading it. Not that it didn't make a few good points (like the importance of sales and marketing and the value of inbound marketing and content creation), but it seemed that the author was attacking the lean startup method, popularized by Eric Ries in his best-selling book “The Lean Startup” without actually understanding it all that well.  Also, I'm a self-proclaimed Lean Startup fanboy.   [Note: The link to the book is an Amazon affiliate link. I donate all money I make from Amazon to non-profits — I figure the non-profits need the money more than Amazon does].

The following are some direct quotes from the article about the lean startup method and my reactions.

1. “In life and in business, failure can mean certain death, without a chance for another loop.”

Sure, failure can mean certain death — but one of the ideas behind the lean startup is to not only make loops short and fast, but try to maximize the odds that you can iterate enough times to get to product-market-fit.

2. “…another Riesian commandment that equates to plowing through "build-measure-learn" feedback loops until one discovers that special (and monetizable) moment when a product and its market interest collide.”

If you met Eric Ries or read what he's written, you'd know that he doesn't deliver commandments. He's scientific and thoughtful. He delivers ideas. He has a theories, and he argues for his theories — pretty well, I might add. To refer to a “Riesian commandment” misleads readers into thinking he's some arrogant know-it-all — which is simply not true.

3. “Indeed, too many startups have died (or are doomed to) by applying this method to their businesses, especially as their investors watch in horror.”

Really? How about some examples? Most startups die. How does the number of startups that have died (or are doomed) by applying the lean startup method compare to the number of startups that die because they didn't apply the method? By the way, as an angel investor myself (30+ startups), I will say that I am more “horrified” when I see startups not follow the lean startup model.

4. “you only get one shot to make a real splash with a product launch and truly impress the world, right?”

Actually, wrong. If your strategy is to bet it all on a single product launch and the hopes to get the magical ingredients “just right” to make that big splash and impress the world, odds are, you've already lost. In any case, it's at least sub-optimal. Why put so much emphasis on this “big bang” lauch model? Why not try and learn from early users, iterate and maximize the odds of market enthusiasm when you do think you're ready?

5. “Yes, the lean startup movement is correct in saying you shouldn’t throw wild parties and give Teslas to all your new employees--but isn’t that just common sense?”

Yes, that is indeed, common sense — but it has little to do with the lean startup. Once again, I will repeat, with emphasis, being lean is not about being cheap, it's about being fast. Every time I see someone make this msitake, I wonder if they're ever heard Eric speak or read the book.

6. “You can’t be a startup forever. And you shouldn’t want to. The lean startup model only offers tools to get you so far.”

Right. That may be why it's called the Lean Startup Model. The idea wasn't to come up with the grand unifying vision for all that is good and true in the universe. The reason the lean startup exists is to reduce the rate of startup failure and the related loss of human time and talent. I think it does that really well, and frankly, that's plenty of value right there.

Disclosure: I didn't realize until reading the early part of the article that the author of the article was Phil Fernandez (hi Phil!), someone I know and respect and who is the CEO of Marketo, a company in the marketing software industry. (My company, HubSpot is also in the same industry).  Once I figured out it was Phil, I think I reduced my level of snarkiness.  :)

So, what do you think?  Did I over-react?  Are my points misguided?

Looking for other startup fanatics?  Request access to the OnStartups LinkedIn Group.  130,000+ members and growing daily.

Oh, and by the way, you should follow me on twitter: @dharmesh.