Planet Palm Beach

Flying Saucers, an origin story

2026-02-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know- i grew up a massive fan of scifi and conspiracy theories. This has not changed at all, but as a card carrying conspiracy theorist, i delve into the world of the unseen and above all SKEPTICISM. Do I want aliens to be real? sure! but when the Govt starts releasing UAPs, i start leaning more toward how the entire thing was a psychological phenomena at best and a psy-op at worst. without going off the hinges, i wanted to share with you a little mini doc that caught my attention. its so insignificant that many occasions i would spend entire nights searching over and over for it, no search engine or AI could find it because I think the video severely understates its implication. So I am going to make the bold claim here, that this artist and sculptor played a pivotal role in formulating the impression of what a flying saucer even is- BEFORE roswell. Before the hoaxes, before the sightings, even a decade before the Govts very own real flying saucer they produced (Avro Canada VZ-9 Avrocar), before all this was Alexander Weygers and his discopter. After watching this, i am nearly convinced that these visuals were seeded and planted in the very imaginative minds of people which eventually spread like a meme. Any test plane you may have seen was most likely this saucer because someone else said it was, now you seen it too. A social contagion that originated from an obscure illustration. THIS IS MY OWN PERSONAL THEORY <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/xCr2mqR3VN4?si=F6w8XGm24KrObwfO" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Boomerbook Lunacy

2021-10-26T09:17:00.002-07:00

This is a real house, somebody actually vandalized their own home in hopes to advertise to the world about their negative experience with their estranged house cleaner. FYI its been like this over a YEAR. This image was posted to Facebook recently and someone chimed in on how they enabled this behavior.

Comedy ay? So I included this suggestion under my post

Let the world know how serious you are about bringing down the entire neighborhood to get your message across.

The foot clan all ages lock-out

2021-10-01T11:03:00.007-07:00

Nobody really ever recognized what contribution The Shredder made to the community; free martial arts lessons and after school programs for the kids in a time when new york was a deadly place to live

Voting for Kanye in 2020!

2020-07-21T04:23:00.002-07:00

Its election season again (its been for the last 2 years) and everyone has a right to their own political opinion. What I love about being an staunch advocate for Kanye West 2020 is the reciprocated respect I demand for entering the opinion arena. I have to hear all day about people throwing their chips on two out-of-touch old white guys pushing 80 years old, but Kanye is a man of his contemporaries; the type of celebrity billionaire that common people can relate to. At his first campaign rally last weekend, he just promised 1 million dollars to every woman who gives birth. Some of you will say "thats ridiculous!", but a few months ago another political outsider Andrew Yang promised $1,000 monthly Universal basic Income for everyone. If receiving $12,000 annually for existing was a competent idea in 2019, why cant we just receive a lump sum at birth and all be born millionaires? National debt has never been a campaign issue for Presidents before so we shouldn't start now, besides who doesnt like money?

I know previously I advocated for non participation in 2020, but I have been convinced this is the 6th most important election of our lifetimes. So this year I want to say YES:

Yes I will vote for Kanye West,

yes I will flip-flop on my principles,

yes I will cherry pick past every stupid thing he says,

yes I will focus on the positions I like most that effect me exclusively,

yes I will believe every absurd campaign promise he makes ,

yes I will adopt new fervent positions I never cared about,

yes i will self-administer anesthesia and ignore his questionable mental health,

yes my irrational belief in Kanye is no different than you for your candidate,

yes you told me to "get out and vote" so here it is

The most credible thing I can declare in the years of my experience with politics; if you don't vote its a vote AGAINST Kanye2020, if you do vote for Trump its a vote AGAINST Kanye2020, and if you do vote for Biden its a vote AGAINST Kanye2020. The choice is clear, West is Best, be easy with Yeezy, vote for Kanye and rip Harambe. Join the Birthday Party, register to vote, let your voice be heard and make a difference!

https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/kanye-west-kicks-off-1st-presidential-campaign-event/story?id=71869069

I didnt sign anything

2017-10-09T08:00:00.001-07:00

Its nice when you hold the door open for a stranger, but sometimes I hold the door open way too early just to watch you fumble and awkwardly speed powerwalk over to make the door. When a social contract is masquerading as a common courtesy.

high anxiety

2017-09-21T20:42:00.001-07:00

I know I been accused of repeating this in the past, but that was sincerely the worst flight i've ever had in my life. As we began our descension, i swore we hit a pocket of bricks and a loud BANG that threw me nearly to the ceiling and bouncing left to right. People moaned, the plane shook and the pilot quickly rapped an unreassuring "please prepare for landing". The Caballero to my right and I both yalped aghast at the same time as the plane jostled us around; although he didnt speak a word of English, when i looked at his pale face, I recognized the familiar language of paralyzing fear. I'm nearly positive the woman to our left shit herself; as the Caballero and I road this horse all the way to landing, my grip leaving a permanent impression on the seat headrest in front of us. As the final nail drove into the uncomfortable hard landing, I felt the image of my spirit momentarily glitch outside my body, then it was finally all over. The Caballero and I exchanged the strongest grip handshake ive ever delivered and shared a momentary laughter of terrified relief. When I got off this flying piece of metal, I kissed the Earth like I was praying to Mecca. Although every part of me wants to scream out "i'm NEVER flying ever again" I know realistically that is not an option. So instead I just say FUCK FLYING, FUCK IT FOREVER!!!!

Hurricane tips

2017-09-07T05:29:00.002-07:00

Seemed like a good idea to pass this on:

A few 🌪️hurricane tricks for Floridians who are seasoned storm veterans:

1. Share memes laughing and taunting the hurricane while its still a week out and off the coast of Africa.

2. Deny it can ever hit your location and try to remember the last time a really bad hurricane happened in your recent memory.

3. Live your life casually and make plans for the weekend as if nothing is happening.

4. One day before the hurricane hits, panic and buy all the cheap price gouge-free bread there is on the shelf, leaving dozens of other unprepared floridians to starve.

5. Nail a used door to your sliding glass entrance and refreshen tape to all windows, since windows already had disintegrated tape from previous hurricane 1 decade prior.

6. Throw all chairs and patio furniture into neighbors pool.

7. Get drunk and walk around barefoot during eye of the storm to survey damage.

8. When the storm is over, leave the house to buy more bread and speed through intersections without traffic lights.

9. Consider looting your local dollar general and any unattended generators you come across.

10. When power is restored, post on facebook about how this storm wasnt so bad meanwhile 70% of people in your city still have no power and are repeating points 7-10.

The most Notorious word in the english language

2017-05-09T11:32:00.002-07:00

Hearing a stranger use the word in the context of racism privately with me, was and still is a personal litmus test. People make assumptions all the time about skin color, and being a lighter shade myself they soon are disappointed i dont share their same prejudice collective views on race. To me it wasnt so much the word itself, but the subtle expression behind it that defined an extreme ignorance from its user.

Some time ago, a mixed group of kids playing basketball outside my house casually called each other by it; ironically it was my initial natural reaction to recoil, but they didnt. It was at that moment I realized that I was becoming antiquated and giving the word too much power. To say we can never utter the word, in any formal or informal context, racist or not, is indeed a censorship of language and history. Over the last few decades; the popularity of rap music, comedians, online internet forums, memes, screaming microphone insults during FPS games, and especially 4chan have given the word a new context outside of racism and desensitized me a lot from its original implication. Holding this unspeakable word to the highest esteem and erasing it from any and all context, is not only censorship of language and history but only empowering racists who intend to effectively hurt people with words.

There are a number of racist slurs we can list off for every color, religion and gender; except one. I think the most important thing we can do to desensitize it and take away its power, is by understanding the context of which it is used as well as recognizing that name calling alone cannot bring any harm to you as much as it does the person using it.

A 2015-2016 Halloween Double Feature!

2016-11-01T02:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween friends! Yes its officially that time of year again, you all have the same question in the back of your mind... Did Eric go this year?? Let me take a load off your shoulders and say YES! I wanted to write about last years holiday celebration, but I had so much going on right after with day of the dead and business was so slammed- i didnt have the time to fully give the essay the love and respect it needed.

Starting off with a brief summary of last year 2015, I have to say it was one of my favorite years going out- this time because my at the time girlfriend wanted to come with me and see what this was all about. I have to give her a bit of credit for going through with this, but this is just what fun people do. I dont have to remind all of you with kids who call me up and tell me what they have been missing out on all these years. Although I don’t have a kid to hold Halloween hostage, you know I dont need one and do this for the soul fundamental spirit of the holiday. I had my traditional 21 year old robe and mask and my gf had a pretty scandalous red outfit with light up devil horns and a cool red sugarskull mask I made years ago. Lord only knows how she could see out of that thing, but I have to say doing this with a friend is a lot less business and a lot more fun. Halloween I maintain is better with friends, just as long as they can keep up. The two of us worked well and slammed every house in my neighborhood in the appropriate hour time as usual. The good part about bringing a significant other is you BOTH share in the combined allotment of candy! And holy shit what a bountiful booty it was, there was a giant pile of candy on the floor of my room and slowly the pile shrank over the next month… lmao by The end of November it was looking a little bit thin. We are both tall people so it was double the amount of confusion for most of the neighborhood, but for some reason when two people do it- people tend to not question it, especially if there is a girl with you. I showed her all my tricks of the trade, like making them dish out the candy in your bag; I find people to be more generous than I would ever be socially humble with the amount of candy you can get. We saw my old neighbors, gave them hugs and went right back to business as usual. In the end it was a blast, and more candy than I could ever expect rolling solo.

Me and my old girlfriend celebrate Halloween

Double the expected bounty

2015 organized accordingly

Bonus: This pile mysteriously shrank by November 24th

2016 was an interesting year, one that almost didn’t happen! I had to search for my old mask and robe, and found it in my old costume bin under all my heavy stacks of other bins. The mask has progressively been liquidating and melting, now more warped than ever, but still 80s level scary! Its funny to think how far we’ve come as levels of scary. Going to moonfest, you see pretty much your standard Spirit Halloween in a bag Chinese costume generics; and with kids its pretty much super heroes etc. Reminiscing on the 90s, Halloween was pretty much a wall of bad ass scary masks, a few cool props- and the rest was pretty much on you. I was working on a haunted house project at this millionaire’s house on palm beach all week, working this Egyptian Pyramid themed party. I was hired to paint the pyramid and help set up, and on Halloween I decided to help scare some of the kiddies. I wore my classic Halloween avatar, and being that this rubber skull creatures face is so familiar with me- I forget all the looks of fear and disgust people give me when I wore it. You really transform yourself when you completely cover your hear with a mask and body with a hooded robe. As per usual, ive adopted my black walking slippers, which really are perfect for creeping around and gripping the floor when moving quickly. I stuffed my face and then when the sun went down around 7, I believe it was time to finally get into character. Everyone else were dressed as mummy zombie types, one guy in a black morph suit- and their shtick was to stand still and BOO when you walk by. Ive Always wanted to do this sort of haunted house thing, so this was finally my time to shine. The pyramid I worked on had these flaps, so when I saw people gather in front of it through the slits, I would get really low and SPRING forward screaming WELCOME TO EGYPT!!! I had some kids paralyzed with fear, adults laughing, kids crying, girls shreaking, a few running down the streets with me chasing after them. Sometimes its fun to do what I call the double tap, when you find one that is a real screamer, you let her go a minute when shes in the fetal walking- and come right beside until your face is almost touching hers and she FREAKS haha. Then you have the “oh you aren’t scary” types- but all you need to do is a quick flinch, or a sharp noise from the opposite side and then its all over for them haha. Its SO dark and I can move so fast and silent in these shoes. Sometimes I would get so LOW and pounce one direction, then when they grimace, come around underneath the opposite side to meet them again lol. Several babies were traumatized crying, one getto black dude got scared and said he almost punched me in the face haha, one little kid instinctually swung his fist back to throw a punch in pure instinct, I stared and then he turned it into a daps haha cool kid. I used a lot of physical humor depending on what they looked like, or their costumes. I would say things like HEY POISON IVY, or HAVE SOME CANDY RED RIDING HOOD, this one little kid dressed up as Trump so I flung myself from the dark corner and came in with WE”RE GONNA BUILD A WALLLL!!! Sometimes just to make myself laugh, I would whip out a loud punch-line that wasn’t even scary, it was just loud at first followed by a little levity like WELCOME to Egypt…. COME INSIDE through the pyramid…. WALK SAFELY because it’s a liability… BE CAREFUL this is not osha approved… EEEEEGYPT in your back yards… ENJOY THE NILE RIVER only less expensive… People were taking photos in front of the pyramid all night, which was really cool because it was my project I worked on all week- but also fun because little did they know the artist was photo bombing every one of their photos. They all pose, and I have this thing I would do chattering my teeth that scared the shit out of them when they looked and I was RIGHT in their faces. Sometimes some teenaged kids would come in and I would say SNAP CHAT THIS really quick and I sent them running in a full spring down the street lmao. Sometimes people ran out screaming, and thought they were safe, only to hear a growl on the back of their neck, launching them again into another sprint. I had one that was so scared, it was just nightmare fuel for the others and people waiting outside, I was running right behind her talking into her ear like I CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR, and then when she thought it was safe IM STILL HERE!!! Hahaha. It was so fun, and I saw a lot of the adults laughing and giving me a lot of props for making it as good as it can get. I really don’t know if the owner of the house dug the extremity of my tactics, but he didn’t know he also contracted a fundamentalist to scare the diarrhea out of all the neighbors. I think by tomorrow I will find out if when he gets calls about the party that it was either the best they ever been to and shower the scary guy with accolades, or he will be like “don’t ever bring that man back here again”, either way the island will never be the same. I was enjoying this so much, my alarm went off and before I know it, it was already 7:30! I told them I had a very important engagement in Jupiter I had to attend to, and the party itself was only going to 8:30; I was enjoying this so much that a rationalization appeared in my mind. “Eric, you are living the spirit of Halloween here, in its true form. The ghost of the 80s is here, kids are being incontinent and having a great scary time, lot of people laughing, back in your neighborhood there is NO one there- what if you just did this all night?” this was weighing hard on me, especially since I don’t eat candy anymore. When I say I don’t eat candy, I don’t mean a few M&Ms here and there, ive been doing a very strict Keto diet and I literally cant have candy without becoming ill. But as you know the spirit of tradition is stronger than my love of free candy, so I told myself I would just wait and see. By 8pm it started slowing up a little and figured if I stayed till 8:30 and nobody was there anymore- I would have gone home with regrets, and that’s something I don’t like to do. So at 8pm I told everyone goodbye and it was a pleasure working with them etc. Then all of a sudden, one last group came and I had to give them my all, my last little bit, win one for the micker, my last huzzah. I gave it my 100% all, despite my voice breaking and crackling like its my bar mitzvah, I scared them so bad then broke out into a high pitched scream and jumped up and landed with my head shaking side to side that I fell back and landed into an exorcist spider walk and continued to crawl around and completely morph into a terrifying spectacle. My boy Julian was there and in stitches over this final performance. After this I noticed it was 8:10 and dashed to the car, and sped off the island. I regretted not getting some water because my voice was shot and I was so sweaty and thirsty from all that popping around.

To get a good idea of the Pyramid I worked on this week, and where the hiding spots would be

Cleopatra showing off her Pyramids

I drove white knuckle like a madman on i95 and finally made it into my old neighborhood just passed 8:30. I have some SERIOUS work to do in a very little amount of time here. Being late to the party, I try to tell myself to relax, Im always here between 8-9pm window so I would be here anyway. But something this year felt a bit off, the neighborhood was even more dead than usual. I parked my car in the guest parking and immediately formed a map strategy in my head that would hit as many houses as possible so that the other houses that would clock out early for the night would be minimized. I forgot my pillowcase and all I had was a double trash bag, which let me tell you really put a tinge of caution to my now more than demented ritual. To my luck, a MAJORITY of houses had no lights on but the ones that did compensated accordingly. Last year it was pretty bad, with only maybe over 2 dozen houses giving candy- this time probably less. One woman was so kind, she just took the entire bag of store bought variety candy and tossed it in! If there were NO lights on in the house, I didn’t have time to make my usual statement as I did other years; but some houses had no porch light and still had lights on inside- so to my surprise they came and gave me candy! Like hey lazy ass, a light bulb only costs a few bucks for a pack and takes a second to install here! Maybe next year I buy a box of cheap of bulbs and give THEM a treat to help them adult a little better. One guy I knocked on came up to the door, maybe in his mid 30s (is it bad if I don’t know if someone is my age anymore?) and said “yes?” Trick, or treat “ooh your hear for Halloween? Well I don’t have any candy and, (looks at light) my light isn’t on” No candy? “no, sorry”. Dude what the fuck is your problem, did you come out here to try to get even with me or get a word in how you don’t give a fuck about Halloween so you omitted yourself from the holiday? Im the ghost of the fucking 80s, your lucky as fuck right now im not a bitter 13 year old because your shit would be finished for this sort of hubris. You have some audacity mother fucker, buying candy is the deal, I am the creeping death and this is pass over- give me candy and I will pass. I didn’t come all the way here to see your stupid face or have a conversation, I got other shit to do asshole. Several rows of houses, no lights but one! I got the traditional “you were my only one tonight” and I replied “yes! I came!”. The rich smell of mixed candy is now weighing down my arms. I ran in my old neighbor, his psychic ability and hopes to see if I made it again this year were rewarded. He always gives me a huge hug and thinks its awesome I still do this. We catch up for a little bit and I ask him how things are. Now one of my biggest observations I saw was a dozen or so houses with hurricane shutters still up?! I asked him about this and presumed maybe people didn’t live there. He said they do, they are just lazy. Just lazy! I couldn’t believe it! I told him they live in absolute darkness! Now having boards up, ok whatever, having aluminum corrugated panels up, yeah muster up the strength but ok, but seriously the rolling shutters??? Just move them over! Some of the plywood on the windows I noticed have been painted- so what seriously this is how you want to live now? In total darkness. Hurricane season is over, this is absolutely insane here. He told me the neighborhood had really no kids because there were TWO break ins today and they told them to do it early. I said “TWO break ins?? In here? In Jupiter????!”. Wow man, my old neighborhood, two break ins what a shame. J-town thugs at it again, breaking into houses now. This brings a level of caution to my game now, because now everyone is on high alert and there is a 6 foot suspicious as fuck character with a warped demented mask and a trash bag going door to door lol. Our meeting was brief because I still had a lot of houses to catch up on, I told him I was late because I had a mural gig and helped with this millionaire’s party- but that I had a very important engagement in Jupiter. He thought that was hilarious and wished me happy Halloween.

looking a bit more warped and melted this year

I bet its makers never intended it to survive this long

This is sort of refreshing

From there I rushed through the neighborhood, which was relatively easy considering that most of the houses, more than any in history, had no candy. I had a handful of people answer the door to tell me they had no candy, which always makes me feel good for at least implanting the guilty capital needed to supply next years harvest. One of my observations I make about people, is that to the core there is a great trust we have for each other. There is a seemingly threatening man outside your window, you look and are physically intimidated, yet you are compelled to trust he isn’t there to harm you based on some social belief there is a holiday you have to conform to. When you give me candy, I tell you thank you not only for the candy- but because #1 you actually celebrated this ritual unlike your piece of shit neighbors and #2 you trusted a stranger tonight. That fear, followed by trust, then topped off with confusion as I thank them and continue on. I can always feel their eyes watching me puzzled from their door about the strangest interaction they just engaged with. Like as if this is too abnormal to be normal, as soon as I give him candy hes going to smash my car window or steal my mail or SOMETHING… nope, happy Halloween! One lady asked me if I lived in the neighborhood as I walked away- and I said YUP and muttered to myself, yeah for about 8 years or so in fact… even if I moved 12 years ago, this is my neighborhood still technically right lol its these people who are all clearly new if they are asking me this. I got a couple of the exact same comments like “oh youre a tall one”. This one house took a LONG time to get to the door, but its that English lady who gives away all her kids candy haha. The girl wasn’t there but the boy now is so tall and going through his awkward years. She ran to the door and said “do you like candy? Here take all this” and while she was shoveling candy into my bag, I saw him sort of laugh with delight at the sight of this. I wanted to say “you’ve grown so tall young man” but this may by breaking the 4^th wall so to speak. This one made me laugh to myself, I knocked on the door and this lady said shes sorry she had no candy, paused and then offered me some crackers. I had to laugh and say no thank you, but that guilt capital really kicked in and I think next year she’ll definitely invest in some candy. Now this happens to me every year, and its my biggest peeve- the houses that go ALL out decorations for Halloween, but yet NO FUCKING CANDY. Its my biggest instinct to want to put my foot through their lousy jackolanters for this grand disrespect. You got lights, ghosts flashing in the window that say BOO, pumpkins everywhere and a fall reef that says mother fucking WELCOME- but NO candy. Who even buys Halloween Christmas lights but doesn’t give out candy?? 3 of those houses were like that this year. One house I noticed had a cool darth vader pumpkin that was painted, and a UPS package on its front porch- clearly this is a good neighborhood to have that still there all day and night. Its pretty common to leave a bowl of candy if youre not going to be home or going to bed. I only saw one of those tonight, and it was overflowing full of smarties and 90% tootsie rolls. Ah yes, tootsie rolls- the worthless throwback from the days of penny candy. Most Halloween candy you can chop up and use in ice cream, baking, milkshakes or whatever you want to do- tootsie rolls are useless sugar. Be smart, like this fat woman who opened the door and had an industrial bag of Peanut M&Ms, I said “ohhh boy I love peanut m&ms!” she gave me a single bag and that was it. I know im the only fucker here lady, so lets not kid ourselves who you bought that bag for. I can see you telling your friends at work “oh only one trick or treater came by so I have no idea what to do with all these peanut M&Ms”. Hey Martha isn’t peanut M&Ms your favorite candy? So I had a Charlie brown moment this year; this one house who always had a teacher that gave out pens and pencils didn’t answer the door and all the lights were off. I don’t know why any adult would go to bed at 9:10pm, but I really was looking forward to getting a new pen this year. He h ad those plastic jacolaterns that little kids collect candies from the mall in- which only hold maybe 2 handfuls of candy (come on kids, pillow cases), well its dark so sometimes people leave candy out. Some houses it was so dark, I reached in and it was just a dead plant. This house I bent over, squinted and felt around for candy- instead I pulled out a rock. I suppose they wanted to put rocks inside to keep it from blowing away, but I would call this the worlds saddest decoration- adding on to the fact they didn’t give out any candy. So I took my new rock and left with it.

Vader pumpkin, too bad nobody was home

One dude walking his dog started talking to a lady that just gave me candy, and ask I walked away he tried to ask me in a threatening manner “do you live here?” Yup and kept walking. I don’t got time to talk to strangers Guy, unless you got candy keep walking. Again, you must be NEW around here because ive been doin this now over 2 decades in this neighborhood. The asshole award tonight goes to this one guy, around my age. I knock on the door and I hear a dog barking and he cracks it open- I state the agreement incantation “Trick or treat”, then in his most white boy wasted voice “he he he he he ohhh trick or treat he he he he he ok he he he hold on he he he one second.” So a full 2 minutes later, he pokes his head out “he he he I don’t got any candy man he he he he he I don’t do haloween he he he he he”. He was so high, drunk hit his head against the wall while pulling his head back in through the door, still making his stupid laugh”he he he he”. I thought of the cruelty of this man, so you had some kid at your door waiting on bated breath for you to fulfill your Halloween agreement- then you make him wait just to let him down? He he he he your car would have so much bologna and shaving cream on it if it were 1989 about now. To summarize this year, I would say it was again a shrinking holiday and dying breed- im glad I still found a balance between my personal life and enough time to rescue the holiday from permanent extinction in my neighborhood. I saw about 4 12 year olds walking through my neighborhood and when I just left a ladies house they asked me if they had candy “knock and find out guys” , like come on this is what its about- make the effort. Knock on some doors, show the neighborhood you exist and doll out some candy! Its only a few bucks, and your fat ass will eat it any way, but do it for the kids bruh!

Mission accomplished old friend

2016 bounty

Organized accordingly

All in all I got a gorgeous booty this year. So many delicious candies that pretty much only appear during Halloween, then the typical I forgot it was Halloween so I had some strange old shit laying around, then theres the candy you never see year round except Halloween, then all the new experimental type stuff.

My Charlie Brown moment

Something I thought was a bit weird, some Asian candy with an unknown fruit on the cover; the only English says “classic series” on it.

A generic lollipop that says “butterscotch Sunday”, categorized under weird shit.

I found this to be the biggest curiosity, a miniature green snickers rapper that just says the word “leaves” on it. Maybe this was from a Christmas batch?

The new raisinetes package changed their design and looks like complete shit, more like a walmart generic drug more than one of my childhood favorite chocolate dipped raisins.

The latest in experimental candy is with this Milkyway carmel apple,

and the Reeses peanut butter cup in ghost shaped and with white chocolate.

Still the one question nobody asked me this year, not one question over the man that has been coming to their door for over 2 decades. Another great year, thanks for reading. Will this tradition survive another year? Only time will tell, until then keep the passion for the holiday alive, bring out your kids and remember to keep it scary. See you next October!

Be the change

2016-06-17T04:32:00.002-07:00

If you've ever convinced yourself that the actions of one person can't change the world, that an individual is just too small to make a difference; let me remind you that all it takes is a tiny fragment of an eggshell in my breakfast to send me into a blind tailspin of murderous rage.

A national tragedy in Orlando

2016-06-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to feed into this media fear extravaganza and chyme in my most arrogant opinion about religion, sexuality, gun rights, foreign policy etc; or give some Oscar Speech turning the tragedy inward toward myself and how sad i am, how good I am for lending my thoughts and prayers to aid in the situation. By no means do I want to minimize this event, but before your fear turns to hatred, to avoid checking under your bed tonight for the Ghost of Osama Bin Laden; just a reminder you have a 1 in 20 million chance of getting killed in a terrorist attack. A person is more likely to die in a plane accident, get shot by cops, drown in a bathtub, be burned alive in a building fire, or be killed from the Sun by way of heatstroke, than from a terrorist attack.

You are however AS likely to be killed by your own furniture. CNN just reported the Government has been funding Radical IKEA freedom fighters in Sweden again... If you feel a loose spring in your couch, call the TSA immediately.

When arguing against a libertarian

2016-05-02T12:09:00.001-07:00

With the elections in full swing, I thought I would share with you something I created to help you remember the correct way to argue politics online. Since many of my friends at one point in time have felt the wrath of my opinion and are still emotionally intelligent enough to be friends, I give you my highest regard. This universal acronym can be used when having a heated conversation with anyone online, but specifically against the dreaded fedora wearing armchair neckbearded libertarian.

#1 FIGHT through their opinion. Even if you feel you are feeling defeated, always resort to physical threats, insults and name calling to break down the esteem of your opponent.

#2 UNFRIEND your opponent or family from all social media. Since the entire point of an intellectual conversation is to WIN, if you feel you are backed up into a corner- simply block them in your privacy settings.

#3 CONSIDER their argument as a mortal insult to your values and views on life in general.

#4 KEEP your mind closed and let your emotions be your strongest ammunition of your argument, ignore links from reputable sources. Be sure to use misspellings and elementary grammatical errors to further insult the intelligence of your opponent.

Read and Remember the acronym above; if you don't believe me, eat shit i'm always right and go fuck yourself because your a stuped loser anyway.

When will i ever serve on a jury?

2015-09-09T18:38:00.002-07:00

I stopped into the courthouse today to pick up some papers for my friend, and noticed the jury duty room. It reminded me that i have still yet to ever serve on a jury. So while i was there, i decided to storm into the Jury Duty office and demand to know why i haven't been chosen yet. They ran my drivers license and confirmed all my info is current, that i have been registered since 2004 and that my odds for a random summons looks good. I complained that wasn't good enough and that i knew people within the last 11 years that have been chosen several times already. I requested if she could perhaps place an asterisk by my name to choose me faster, but she said she didn't have the power to do that. She then attempts to dissuade my determination by stating the compensation was only $15 per day; and thats when i jumped out of my shoes-

"They pay you 𝘧𝘪𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘦𝘯 dollars a day?! ...that is AWWWESOME!"

The bewildered woman sitting one cubicle over watching this conversation all take place was completely speechless, it was worth it just for her face. They said their goodbye and I said seeyah soon.

Why Vandalism 1952

2015-08-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

Never in my life have i ever heard a judge explain that the community, schools and churches share responsibility for these young men's action. The blame is not always solely on the parents for failing to love their boys- because no amount of love or preparation can ready them for the black-hearted ostracization their world would present them. They who were so desperate for acceptance that they at least found each other's company in their misery. These boys have clear signs of empathy, one who was more concerned with the rabbit's life than his own; and the others so desperate for affection that they would borrow their fathers car to convince girls to drive around with them.

In the end society judgement was unflinching in its routine outcasting. Incarceration was little different than the life sentence of isolation they already served.

Robot Apocalypse

2015-06-23T11:54:00.001-07:00

Smoke detectors are resilient little objects. It’s the one device I need that has never done anything for me, except annoy. Your selfish will to survive is so great, that when running out of battery life, you abandon your smoke post and choose to shriek every few minutes until replaced. Now that I’ve reached my wits end and ripped you out of the ceiling, torn out your still beating battery heart; somehow you still chirp. Its conclusive, smoke detectors are the subtle beginnings of the Robot Apocalypse.

Ladies dig the 5'oclock shadow

2014-12-22T23:37:00.000-08:00

Chicks love the 5 oclock shadow, and i humbly comply to these rigorous demands. And by compliance i really mean ive been doing it anyway my whole adult life. Since i have curly hair, I am one of the small percentage of white men who find it is impossible to be clean shaven without razor bumps. Lord knows this 5oclock trend wont last forever, and when its over and clean faces are in demand, i will look like a pubescent 30 year old teenager ready to attend my Bar Mitzvah.

According to every women's magazine, scruff is tough; it is in high fashion. A small observation ive made concerning this facial trend; generally speaking ladies will swoon over something they desire the most but are unable to handle. This is no different with facial hair. You tell me how sexy it looks but be prepared to whine in contempt when it scratches your faces!

Pro tip: whenever you see me on a hot date, i usually come prepared with my upper lip shaven. Prepare your chins ladies, exfoliate with caution.

Camping out at the airport

2014-12-17T23:22:00.001-08:00

Last night/ this morning I challenged the boundaries of my sanity by spending 8 mind numbing hours inside a virtually closed Fort Lauderdale airport. A shuttle is $100 and parking for 2 weeks at the airport wasn't going to happen. So on some serious Tom Hanks type mission to keep myself occupied, from 10pm to 6am, I read every pamphlet brochure informing me about visiting South Florida, I inspected every sliding glass automatic door, pondered over every 1990s piece of airport art, I tested every couch, read every word of bathroom graffiti, observed a free spanish newspaper and wandered miles in place on the people conveyor; all before 3am. I started to question my reality when I weighed the pros vs cons of riding the floor scrubbing zamboni around the airport and dropping some serious wax compound. How do you punish a man who wants to do a charitable act? I mean why would they stop me? Who would stop me? The only other employees i saw all night were the pressure cleaning sidewalk guy sleeping in his truck and the janitor pretending to mop a carpet, while talking on the phone in the video blind spots. I saw a few people on their tablets, but upstairs I couldn't tell if the few other airport inhabitants were doing the same thing i was doing or if they were nesting vagrants. I exhausted nearly everything you can think of doing in an empty airport, and then some. They have a tourism phone that connects you directly to local attractions; in which i left long ranting messages on complete stranger’s voicemails. Killing time is about routine; any little ritual or task you can do. Eventually I washed my hands so many times, they were raw.

The highlight of my night/morning was losing my gallon jug of water, then spending an hour retracing my steps through the entire airport until i finally FOUND it on top of the virgin mobile info desk kiosk. I stared into this rolling advertisement for so long until all i could notice is the imperfections, in which the pixels would glitch and reverse themselves in one of the frames. I took up a profound appreciation for the little overlooked details of the brass ocean creature designs in the linoleum flooring scattered around the second floor. At 4am sharp i watched the airport begin to buzz with obese TSA agents, spilling out of their uniforms and their lower lip flapping in the wind as they blobbed their way late to the security gate. Once open they took an additional full 45 minutes to allow an equally qualified, angry group of fast food employees entrance inside the terminal.

Through this experience, the mystique of the airport has been ruined for me forever. I always saw this area as an impervious, secure, constitution-free fortress that would intimidate any drug smugglers and would-be unshaven extremists from ever coming near a terminal. Now that the veil has been lifted and the honeymoon has ended, i realized this place at night is no different than a bus terminal with air conditioning (sleeping bums included). The same security that forces me to take off my belt and shoes while offering me full body massages is just theater; because late at night/early morning anyone can literally build a campfire in the middle of the airport.

$ex

2014-12-11T13:34:00.000-08:00

I recently saw this article about 6 Fast-Food Commercials That Are So Sexist You'll Lose Your Burger Craving. I would not lend so much credibility to fast food advertising. Although i can see how a large percentile of the demographic it appeals to, may take offense to it. Typically people who eat fast food are not as attractive as the people in the video. There is no secret that some human beings can be sexy and have sex; but just because you do not partake in either, does not mean you have to be offended. Advertisers will exploit these instinctual reptilian urges to sell virtually anything. So enjoy your Carl's Jr Burger instead; let that warm spicy feeling of complacency fall over you like a limp piece of bacon.

Butt Steroids

2014-11-18T15:41:00.001-08:00

Since when did culinary excellence look like Boston Market takeout? People who post photos of their shitty food they made on facebook, act as if cooking your own meal is performing some magic and not a daily human function. I suppose its because the very idea of cooking dinner for yourself is so nostalgic, that it is likened to quilt making.

When sharing your next exquisite moment of nutritive distinction, please remember to serve at least 2 carbs with every meal and always on top of only the finest foam platter.

Updated 11/20/14

Happy Halloween 2014!

2014-11-01T04:10:00.000-07:00

Let this sad, uncarved, stock image of a lonely pumpkin be a foreshadowing of whats to come.

Happy Halloween everyone! Keeping the fundamental tradition of Halloween strong by celebrating my 17th year in my old neighborhood! By now you are familiar with my annual ritual, so there is no surprise that i kept up with the tradition of trick or treating and of course my post Halloween commentary.

Before i begin my adventure, i wanted to briefly talk about a first for me this year- my FIRST trick or treaters came to my door! every year i make sure to have candy out and ready- even if nobody takes it. Well around 7 i get a knock at the door?? Holy shit- is it true?? A family of Mexicans all dressed up, even the Dad wanted in on the candy. I was ecstatic, here it is my first ever trick or treaters to my home. This marks a significant moment for me and my neighborhood, because up until this point, most people took their kids to better neighborhoods to trick or treat. haha you want a real haunted house- go check out the sexual predator listed as living down a few blocks over. I gave them all candies and complimented them on their awesome costumes- but then i noticed somebody standing outside. My neighbor has this little neglected Haitian boy that doesnt speak much English. His Mother is constantly on the phone, and he spends most of his afternoons and weekends just staring at the fence. Well i saw him doing what he does best, nothing, and realized it was Halloween and he probably doesnt have a costume. So i run inside and grab a spare Guy Fawkes mask form my room- and knock on my neighbors door. After a long delay, his mom comes out with her usual phone in one ear- and i said "hey i noticed your boy outside and thought he might not have a costume for tonight, i thought maybe he can have this?" and she smiled and said in her finest creole accent "no, i will not be giving him that". I awkwardly smile and said "well ok, just thinkin you know, just lookin out... well good night!". I was devastated for this little guy. What the fuck are you doing to this poor kid, here he is in America where you dont need SHIT tonight, all you need is a mask and you can get tons of candy. its your chance to be a ghoul and collect. All the kids at school will have candy and fun- but no not you. You force him to stay inside while you babysit your television. I was ready to take him with me- what a fucking trip that would be lmao. Just imagine me and little kindred, like training day. Perhaps she is religious and forbade him from celebrating? So i dedicate this night for you, little kindred of next door, to you and all like you.

This year, as with every year, i greet the evening with anticipation and a bit of natural apprehension. There is always a part of me that cant wait to go out; then naturally as a sane adult there is a small bit of reluctance. But when i get phone calls of encouragement from my friends, eager to see if i'm still going to go- I laugh and they cheer with delight; with a slight touch of envy they explain to me how they wish they could do the same thing. Some phone calls i got this year telling me that they actually went for the first time, now that they have children of their own- and say things like "now i know why you been doing it all this time". Stories about how they got to scare other kids and parents, got tons of candy- all that is the spirit i love to hear about and glad to have inspired it. I assure you it takes less fortitude and more principle, to propel an adult to go door to door after 17 years. Coupled with the fact i am a creature of habit, i go every year not only to retain the spirit of Halloween first and foremost, but also just because ive been doing it for this long, who am I to stop now? You know the story of that old guy in China that never moved so the Govt was forced to build a highway around his home? i applaud him.

Preparing is never complicated- ive retained the same costume perfectly in tact and ready for its sole use. The cloak never could get any more shorter- going up to about my shins. Ide say its skin tight nature, my hairy legs and sneakers that stick out form underneath it- add to an alternative costume- that of a deranged manchild that haunts you since you can remember, one day a year. i may get one or sometimes two people that ask me "arent you a little old?" when i assure them that i am 13, the usual reaction is of embarrassment and noticeable reflection of how out of touch they are with the size of 13 year olds. Somebody may raise a finger at my age, and i can quickly dispel any conspiracy with my quick answer then rebuttal "how old is too old?" someone said that 17 is the cut off- i laughed and said "Well then, i'll see you for the next five years". I hope they are keeping close count.

Then there is the mask, which has held up pretty excellent considering its age. however, due to the fluctuations in heat in my closet- some of the rubber is starting to melt and distort. So my mask is a bit warped, but it still does its job just the same. I always laugh when i remember about ten years ago i couldnt find my mask, my mother may have hidden it from me that year- but do you think that stopped me? I wore a black shirt in a ninja style mask. This by far, was the only year people were generally disturbed when answering the door- but i persevered onward.

The reception from my genuine friends are always welcomed, naturally. When i tell my girlfriends about my quest, in the back of my head i am always crossing my fingers they understand my eccentricities and dont think of me as an absolute lunatic. Maybe its in the delivery of why i do it, the sociological aspects and how i take the preservation of Halloween absolutely serious is what amuses them. Or perhaps its the boat loads of sweet candy that they entertain me. My lady this year actually asked enthusiastically if she can go with me. haha i am tickled at the idea, however we both agreed it would be best if i tended to my own devices. Nobody would dare protest anyways, or else they would not get a cut of the sweet spoils.

Every year i always save my old next door neighbors house for last. Its always a pleasure to see him, i ran into him early as he was taking out the trash and he gave me a big hug. He asked the usual questions- how are you doing, how is my business going, how are my parents. His wife is always sleeping upstairs and never gets to see me, but always asks "do you think hes coming tonight?" he always says yes- but i wonder if she ever has her doubt if hes totally fucking with her. But knowing me, i doubt it. I am a bit stubborn when i put my mind to it- and if that means going out on Halloween for the better part of 2 decades, than yes it seems plausible.

(Got me some new walkin shoes)

As i was making the long trek to Jupiter, i can only remissness about old Halloweens, my parents, childhood friends etc. They moved the parking space by the old playground a couple years ago- the same playground me and my best friend used to sneak into on Saturday nights to hang out. We used to make calls to girls using my fathers gigantic huge brick "cellular" phone technology. Him and I spoke later that evening and he told me a good story of how serious Halloween is where he lives now, in Philadelphia. Ive always heard about how serious they take the holiday up there and cant wait to be up there one day around this time- my kind of people. Passing by old mailbox i think about how me and my dad used to walk my old dog Charlie. Its funny how transient people in Florida can be, new people in and out all the time- but a piece of my history was here in this neighborhood and at the very least im hoping a bit of a subdued legacy still floats here every time of year.

I parked my car, put my mask on- and checked to see if anybody was watching. Not that i'm doing anything wrong mind you- but i have been doing this long enough where i don't want to arouse suspicion or stir any bird cages. I want to avoid getting arrested for some obscure reason and having to be in the front headlines of the palm beach post (again). I mentally plan my route and begin knocking on doors. The first house is always the most humiliating. I always cringe behind my mask at the first house, i laugh and mutter to myself "what the hell am i doing" or "oh lord, i cant believe i'm out here again haha". The first house this year was a no show. Lights on inside, i can see them watching television but nobody answering... this is a reoccurring sad theme for the next SEVERAL houses. Plenty of lights inside but no porch light on? Surely nobody is sleeping- its Friday night. In fact, this is an excellent night for Halloween- what gives? I would say out of the couple hundred houses in my old neighborhood- only a little under 2 dozen actually answered. This was such a disappointment! I do this shit every year, without skipping a single beat- because if i did they would have an excuse not to do it the next year. Nobody can EVER say- oh we didn't buy candy because nobody came last year.

   Eventually after knocking on several doors, i got an answer and candy flowed accordingly. Im determined as ever, knocking on every door- i'll wait a maximum of 10 seconds if they dont answer to maximize my efficiency. When you're a kid, you have your slow parents that weight you down- I'm marching in a strafe formation, zigzag, and up/down my neighborhood with a military precision. I'm not as aggressive as i was when i was about 14, i would sit and bang on the door until they came just to personally see to the guilty look in their eye and question themselves the rest of the night. There is absolutely no reason why you couldn't have spent .99 on some candy- and its only the largest grossing holiday 2nd only to Christmas- as if you didn't remember. This is the agreement- Trick or treat, if this were the 1980s, your house would be layered in eggs and your trees festooned in toilet paper. I continue on knocking, thinking of little kindred at home staring at that fence fueling my every step.

The select few that did remember the holiday and answered their doors, gave me the usual "no other kids out? well, you're the only one this year". I hear this every year, its a goddamn shame- this is exactly why im here old man, its for the principle of the matter. I didnt see a single other kid out there- i suppose they dressed up as some hollywood blockbuster in a bag costume and begged stores in the mall for a single tootsie roll. That is a sad existence my friends. Im glad to have memories of what halloween used to be like- and especially the aftermath of halloween when the big kids were done with their mischief. That shit would be felonious these days, but back then it was just part of the ritual. I only saw 1 house thisyear with a real cut jackolantern, and yes- NO candy. You may already know my biggest pet peeves are houses with a number of decorations, with NO CANDY or not even bothering to answer the door. Fucking hypocrites. I saw one house had just a pumpkin sitting outside, as if their lazy asses didnt even give a shit enough to carve it. All fucks were absent that night. Do you think they answered their door? No. This blank pumpkin stared at me as i waited, was a miserable reminder of the forgotten holiday, that i fight so hard to retain. One house had a massive purple, inflatable spider that was lit up- and NO candy. A couple people answered the door, surprised to see me, as if i was some ancient fossil trick or treating coming to their door step, and had to audacity to tell me "sorry i dont have any candy". My modern response is to stand there, look them in the eye and say "No. Candy." linger for a moment, create such an awkward air that can only be filled with some pathetic excuse, and then walk off. Im too old to really seek retribution for this gross disrespect of the holiday- but time is of the essence and i only have an hour to complete the mission.

   I was disappointed when both of my old house addresses didn't answer this year. Its so strange walking by my old bedroom window, knowing i used to sleep inside there for years and now i'm a stranger standing outside it. At my second house, when i stood on the wooden entrance, i can almost hear my old dog barking. I walk by the old patio where i first honed by backyard graffiti skills. This year was so many people giving up on participating or even answering the door. The non believers would have to put cardboard over their windows before- to avoid the knocks. Now its simple- the porch light is off and im in plain view watching television- go fuck yourself. Luckily for me though, the ones that did answer sometimes would feel the need to over compensate and then dish out tons of candy. Fat people buy the best candy too by the way, most likely in hopes nobody comes- and thats when i benefit. The most candy i got this year came from a familiar house, you may remember from last year, the English lady that gave me ll their kids candy as well as bringing out leftover valentines day candy haha. Well this year she had an enormous dish of candy and again- her two depressed kids stood witness as she dished out TONS of candy to me. Later on, when i was inspecting my sack, i found this ziplock bag that made me laugh. It read "Jennifer's boys" haha Sorry kids- those are the breaks! To the victor, goes the M&Ms.

(Jennifer's boys)

I noticed the little old lady that always had awesome candy and kick ass decorations didnt answer and had no decorations out this year. I wondered to myself, did she give up? did they move her away into a home? Did she die? The thought depresses me, but i always appreciated her festivity and efforts. I always compliment anyone who decorates their house and thank everyone for the candy. But old people like her come from a time when EVERYONE went out, and in their minds they are always still a decade behind- perplexed at why there is no one out there anymore. How do i explain to Grandmah that kids are too busy sexting on their iphones and shopping at the mall to be going door to door- besides thats dangerous! Grandmah, this is exactly why i maintain my vigilance. I am the ghost of 1980s Halloween past, here to haunt the future, forever.

There was one lady around my age who answered the door with way too much cleavage and AWESOME candy. I could swear i remember her from the year before? I don't want to sound presumptuous, but she looked a bit too excited to see me. Lady, i dont know if 6'1 skeletons dressed as the grim reaper is your thing too; but not today lol. In an Adam Sandler voice- i do believe i have some candy to attend to.

The entire back swing of my neighborhood was a miss, no answer, none here, nope, abandoned, no answer, finally a house with a light on and a large woman walking toward her car with her little kid. I walked toward her house she just left- awkwardly i could feel her watching me so i put on quite a show for her. She may have wondered what the hell i was doing there. I walked to her door, knocked, held my bag up with my hands, waited, waited, and then slung my head down and shlepped my feet as i walked away in an exaggerated, defeated manner. She then stopped me and said "WAIT WAIT!!" She runs into the house from her car, and sprints outside and said "HERE, take this because....." and starts to dish out fist fulls of candy. "because..." more fist fulls. "Take his because.... I uh" i'm thinking ok lady now you got me wondering here. "take this because.... because i didnt leave any candy out". so i laughed and replied "Awesome, guilt candy!". I thanked her and went on my merry way, several pounds heavier. As i mentioned before, although barely any houses answered their doors- the ones that did, certainly overcompensated.

I ran into a pair of rednecks about my age who were sitting outside, smoking cigs and drinking beer with candy bowls in front of them. They were heckling me to come over earlier- but it wasnt on my route just yet, then finally they were my last stop. I dont think they didnt realize how large i was until i actually got closer- they were the ones who told me about the cut off at 17 haha. When i was moving toward the east side of the neighborhood- i actually spotted some teenagers entering my neighborhood from military trail! I then remembered during the last few years they built a whole development next door where the woods used to be- they probably live there and thought they could spill over to my hood for more candy, ingenious! I was so excited to see other people out, you realize when you wear a mask you start to lose all self identity and I felt like a kid out there again. Seeing them made me want to go venture into foreign territory when i was done with my shift, if there was still time. My cut off has always been 9ish respectfully, which works out great because most of the kids would quit before it was even dark.

   After hauling several pounds of sweet candy, i start to perspire. This in turn makes my skin tight cloak cling to my body- exposing a bit of honesty and the outline of a full grown man. This is usually around the same time people ask how old i am. Not once has anybody ever been angry or in fear- its always jovial. I get a few startled people, then a compliment of my mask. At the very worst, i may get a stare after i walk away to see if my intentions were poor, and i never disappoint them. I'm all about getting the candy, keeping with the spirit, freaking out and moving on. I don't mind the question of my age- but one thing I've NEVER been asked, which i secretly hope for every time is "How many years have you been coming here" only then will i give an honest answer to such an honest question. No accusations of age, just a legitimate question. Not one person has ever asked themselves "hey you know that only guy that has been coming to our door, same costume, every year since we moved here- hes got to be at least 18 now right?". Since most of my friends have kids these days, it wouldn't be too unbelievable if i had one of my own out there. How funny would it be if one year the dude who comes to your door every year all of a sudden has a kid- "Oh for the love of.... you got to at least be 25 right?!? you got kids now"

In the beginning of the night, i was asking myself if this would be my last year- but only a few houses deep and i realize how incredibly fun it is, and how i wish other people were out too. I was genuinely having a fun time, and made a promise to myself that i'm going to do this the rest of my life. I had a blast and got tons of candy, i just wish i could scare people and give out candy too. I thought about the knock i got on my door tonight, how one day i'm going to live in a big neighborhood- and i'm going to be that guy who goes all out. Spider webs, spooky music, ghosts, tombstones the whole nine yards. Maybe even a haunted garage? Tons of candy for the kids, scaring the shit out of everybody by popping out of the bushes etc. Its fun to scare people- and Halloween is the only night they don't feel threatened by it, and even applaud it!

I finished my entire shift, for the first time a full 15 minutes early! Then i remembered the new development next door... So i slung my now swollen, heavy pillow sack over my back, jumped the fence and now was on military trail to venture into unknown territory. I was thinking in my head my neighborhood was practically touching the new development, but in reality its a good few hundred feet and time is money. So i try to do an awkward sprint- but with this heavy sack there is really no way of making this look cool. The sack is so heavy its throwing off my balance when i run with it. All your weight is swinging from one side, i cant have it on my back because it slaps your back and is uncomfortable. So i create a sort of weird dastardly run- that has one arm extended to counter balance the heavy opposing sack into this circular gyrating skip. Absolutely ridiculous if you can imagine. Then i enter the main entrance. "Shit, its an apartment complex". But surely if those teenagers came from this direction there was to be candy. So i walk on through a hallway an enter a main open courtyard with a dozen college kids not a few years my junior playing with their dogs. i awkwardly continue my quest through this neighborhood, commit to this man you have to now- i'm not leaving till i find some candy. Believe it or not, i actually find a garage door open with a girl and her pops- waving me over, desperate to give candy! "hey over here! we got candy!" i approach them and she goes "HOW old are you?" her dad tells her not to ask that, and i reply with my typical answer "i'm 13. thats not too old right?" She replies "Youre not 13!" her dad interrupts her and says "i remember when i was 13" taking my side over hers. He was a larger man, and i felt like his statement could have been a subliminal compliment to award my size. I thanked them and started to walk away- and in clear ear-shot, she says "he had to be at LEAST 15" and a part of me thought to myself its not my neighborhood and nothing would be stopping me from whipping my head back and saying in a deep voice ACTUALLY IM THIRTY ONE. But to my better judgment, i decided to go back to my car. If i can manage another year to go home with the gold and not get shot or arrested, ive served my purpose.

As the evening comes to a close, i ceremoniously swing my bag of candy all the way back to the car. At this point it doesnt really matter if anybody sees me leave, in fact it would be kind of funny. I remembered when i turned 16, i thought what an awesome advantage it would have been having a car. After i finished my neighborhood, i could drive over to rich peoples neighborhood i heard about and clean up out there. I even fantasized about keeping spare costumes in the car in case they were one of those rumored houses who gave full candy bars away. Well that year i did just that, you should have seen their rich faces when i pulled up into their drive way, got out and walked up to them for candy. Lousy cheapskates by the way, they places one tiny candy and it makes this long journey to down the bottom of my bag, my face following it all the way down in disbelief. I remember saying out loud as i walked back to my car "this shit isn't even worth the gas to come here" haha smart ass kid.

All in all, even though there was hardly any participants- a successful evening if i should say so. And of course, what post Halloween essay wouldn't be complete without a shot of THE BOOTY.

Organized accordingly.

Halloween is a time where candy companies try and make experimental shit that they can fall back on or follow through with. This years prototype experimental candy was seeing companies ride the Reeses peanut butter cup train- by making their own spin offs. Butterfinger Cups and Snickers Cups were an interesting choice. A few bags of Reeses pieces which i haven't had in centuries were nice. At the bottom there are some office supplies lol. Thats because there is always a teacher at the same house that gives away crayons, pencils and pens to the kids- as well as candies. I always appreciated that, even to this day because i could use a new pencil. There was only ONE house this year i could remember that said "take a few"; they were all weird crap candy as if picked leftovers from last year they didn't eat. The candy wasn't even in a bowl or plastic cauldron- it was on a large piece of paper haha so ghetto. I usually make a mental note of the houses with "self service" like this so i can collect before i leave, but it wasn't worth it.

Every year i make note of the oddities. A gummi cheeseburger was by far the most interesting. A Chimes Ginger candy, Japanese restaurant quality there. Peanut Chews are a first. Werther's candies are the kind of stuff you find in the bottom of an old lady purse, there was no reason for this. Candy corn is disgusting but so classic, i fully appreciate it. A stray chocolate Easter egg is a pitiful reminder of when people stopped giving a fuck about buying candy for Halloween.

There is a multitude of reasons why i go out; it's fun, it's Halloween, it's candy- but it occurred to me that now its clear that because ive been doing this so long; there can be a story of a man who never quit. He never stopped when the social pressures made everyone else stand down. Just in case everyone i know doesn't have an interesting enough story to tell- they can at least say to people "i know a guy, that never quit- he still celebrates Halloween by going door to door and demanding candy".

Another successful year old friends, thanks for reading! see you next year.

A touch of honesty... and lead

2014-09-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

Its true, they do have feelings! Truth achievment XP level 150, i bow to your ancestors.

Lights out

2014-06-18T22:11:00.001-07:00

The light bulb in my kitchen just burned out... This can only mean I will be cooking cheeseburgers by candle-light tonight.

So Romantic

Welcome to West Palm!

2014-06-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

I recently came across this article about 14 signs you were born and raised in West Palm Beach, FL. So i thought ide add a few of my own addendums to this list:

#15) Someone you know, or you personally, have been robbed in the parking lot on the way back from dinner at Cityplace.

#16) You witness, or have been involved in a large, drunken, bloody, brawl on Clematis street.

#17) You tell your friends who visit from out of state, to go to South Beach.

#18) Your girlfriend got groped and maced at Moonfest in 2010.

#19) You have heard every vagrants life story before he asked for .89 cents

#20) You know the difference between fireworks going off and gunshots.

#21) You have been harassed, coerced, extorted, abused, or shot by the local police.

#22) You don't see movies on Friday and Saturday nights because of how loud and sometimes violent the movie theater gets.

#23) You can see luxury cars worth over 100k and a car worth less than an iphone, at the same time.

#24) Palm Beach Metered beachfront parking is an absurd $5 per hour.

#25) You routinely see 19 year old girls with their 60 year old sugar daddies.

#26) Its filthy, its corrupt, its culturally vapid, its dangerous, its superficial; but its our lovely home. Welcome to West palm!

thank you for holding, please hold

2014-06-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

If your life's ambition was to become an accomplished jazz musician; one way of achieving your dreams to be heard by a national audience is to give up all credibility and write a never-ending jazz composition, to be heard while on hold for a customer service representative.

Atheism vs Deism

2014-05-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

Whether it is Greek mythology, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Hinduism, Rastafarian or Buddhism etc; if following any spirituality provides fulfillment to your personal life and reading beautiful literature brings you comfort, who am i to criticize?

People that plague themselves and others with religious dogma appear to be just as isolated and miserable as the self appointed atheists who reject any spirituality in favor of nothingness. Its funny how either side can be so sure of themselves.