Plasma Toots

My Litany of Hate

2012-01-14T17:45:00.003-07:00

Whenever I leave the house without eating, I find myself losing my temper. I blame my ability to be easily angered and/or frustrated on low or high blood sugar. Plus, I fucking hate a lot of things. So, I got to thinking: why not make a list?

1. Children. And you may think I'm not talking about your awesome children that you have raised superbly. I'm absolutely talking about your children.

2. The elderly. Have you ever had the misfortune of being behind one of these fucks in traffic or (even worse) at the grocery store just pitter-pattering through life with no regard for who may be around them. Look at me, I'm young and I'm not rocking a colostomy bag and I don't call 7pm bedtime. Now get out of the way, Gertrude, I got shit to do.

3. DOGS. I have a feverish hatred of any and all dogs even though I could call them cute in the same breath. Dogs are much like children in the sense that they may be the center of your universe, but don't think for one second that I have any regard for your little shitters.

4. Dudes that are obsessed with their beards. Get that shit off your face.

5. Packers fans.

6. Country music.

7. Mispronouncing words, but specifically CAR-A-MEL. It's not CAR-MEL. Why do we have that extra A in there, just for poops and laughter?

8. I also hate groups that hate stuff, like everyone you see here:
http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-files/groups

I realize the irony in hating hate groups, but they really are fetid pieces of shit living in an unrealistic universe.

9. Black dudes that think just because they're black that they can kick your ass. Also, when did become okay to call me "white boy?"

10. Fat, mean people. If God slipped you a mickey and gave you big bones with big rolls of fat tumbling off every orifice of your unfortunate body, you can't double down and be an inconsiderate asshole. This is why there are so many fat, jolly people because they take their horrible appearance into account and let their positive personality shine through regardless of their gelatinous girth.

11. People who are a really big pussy when they're sick. Take some Echinacea, drink some tea, and rest. We're not 4 years old any more, having our mother nurture us in her bosom while gnawing on a huggy-bookie.

12. Having to stand up and take your hat off for the National Anthem at sporting events and feeling like a dipshit pariah if you don't.

13. Fans of the Dave Matthews Band who refer to them as Dave. As in: "Since I'm into really shitty music, I thought I'd go down to the Grove and catch Dave." They also have been known to do this with several other bands. Deathcab= Deathcab for Cutie. Or even calling "Curb Your Enthusiasm" Curb. What, are you saving fucking time in your day shortening everything?

14. Middle-aged people who are under the belief that they are Rock n' Roll historians.

15. Paying rent. It's like fake money.

16. Calling tattoos ink.

17. Magic and magicians.

18. The emergence and supremacy of "nerd culture." I remember when nerds knew their place:

19. People who don't return their shopping cart to the cart corral. You just spent an hour or so combing through the aisles with this cart and when it comes time for your relationship to end, you just dump it wherever, leaving some pimpled pathetic minimum wage fuck to gather it.

20. I hate that women relish being difficult and wear it like a badge of honor. And rather than acknowledging this and working on their own problems, they expect their significant other to bend over and deal with it........because they're some sort of fairy fucking princess....Your cunny's not the draw you think it is.

21. Napoleon Dynamite. I was led to believe that comedy was supposed to be funny. Silly me.

22. The following sports teams and their idiot fans: LA Lakers, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, Chicago White Sox, the entire NHL, New York Yankees, Miami Heat, Green Bay Packers, and the Oakland Raiders.

23. The following entertainers, actors and actresses: Angelina Jolie, Ellen Page, Helen Hunt, Jay Leno, Anna Paquin, Channing Tatum, Dane Cook, Jack Black, Adam Sandler, Renee Zellweger, Gerard Butler, Kate Hudson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ashton Kutcher, Rosie O'Donnel, Kristen Stewart,

24. Blind, unyielding patriotism

25. People who believe in angels.

26. The following blowhards: Rush Limbaugh, Keith Olbermann, Glenn Beck, Jan Brewer, Michelle Bachmann, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Ed Schultz, Oprah Winfrey, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Allen West, Sarah motherfucking Palin and her entire family, Mike Huckabee, John McCain, John Stossel,

27. Hippies.

28. Married people with hyphenated last names.

29. Idiot motorists with spoilers and sound systems who try to race everyone, placing everyone in harm, because why? Because you're clearly attempting to overcompensate for your squirrely little purple pink cock?

30. Dora the Explorer.

31. Music festivals.

32. People with moronic phobias like they can only sit in a booth at a restaurant because they're afraid someone could come up from behind them or something. Or people who are afraid of ferris wheels.

33. Females named Susan.

34. Harry Potter and most fantasy movies/franchises for that matter.

35. People who tell you that the book is better than the movie. No shit, dickhead.

36. Beautiful women with southern accents. That's a boner buster right there.

37. People who constantly quote "Family Guy."

38. Some pregnant unnamed cunt who will hopefully either have a miscarriage or raise some white trash welfare brat who will no doubt be blowing guys for sandwiches when she's 13.

39. People who make me feel left out of conversations because I haven't picked up a video game controller in more than a decade. I don't have much of a life, but I don't waste it in your fictitious world.

40. People who've never been drunk.

41. People who get grossed out by other people pissing in the shower. It's all pipes!

42. Jam bands.

43. Guacamole.

44. People who wear socks with sandals.

45. The following bands and musicians: The Eagles, Smashing Pumpkins, Katy Perry, Soulja Boy, Bon Jovi, Nickelback, Creed, 3 Doors Down, Five for Fighting, Kanye West, any black rapper with black rimmed glasses, Drake, LMFAO, LL Cool J, Evanescence, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Coldplay, Green Day, Nicki Minaj, (Minaj is not a real last name) Pink Floyd, Stone Temple Pilots, Blink 182, Steve Miller Band, Phish, Toby Keith, Meatloaf, Eminem, AEROSMITH, Ted Nugent, John Mayer, Gavin DeGraw,

46. There's way more religious people on NFL teams than the much maligned Tim Tebow. Why does he get so much shit?

Resolutions for 2012

2012-01-02T00:26:00.008-07:00

Well, a new year is here again, just like last year and the year before that. Why people are surprised or even feel the need to go through the motions of celebrating this over and over again is beyond me. But it does provide an opportunity for me to indulge in one of my all time favorite past times: LISTMAKING. So, here we fucking go. Also, I'm not going to make lofty, unrealistic proclamations, I'll keep it simple. Maybe.

1. Write on this blog more. Obviously. Like at least once a week. At some point I can actually earn some income if I get enough visitors. Maybe it's my subject matter. Maybe people are just looking on the internet for specific keywords and I'm not providing that. Well, this might change things:

Kardashian
Bieber
Pussy
Ron Paul
Porn
Beyonce
Santorum
Anderson Cooper Gay

Okay, that should help a little bit.

2. Return to the gym and lose at least 10 pounds. Now that I have an iphone/music listening device, I have no more excuses to not go to that sweat stench Mecca. Also, I hear Yoga is good for you.

3. Visit my friend Hugh in Austin, TX and embrace my inner fucktard hipster.

4. Drive to San Jose for their world famous Flea Market. I'm dead serious about making this at least a 3 day ordeal.

5. Begin anew at a new job location with new and interesting people who preferably don't have the same issues as previous co-employees who have apparently not gotten the memo that life is not a high school cafeteria. In other words, it will be nice to work with grown-ups.

6. Travel to Los Angeles and visit my friends who put on the Super Serious Show.

7. Move back in with my parents to save shitloads of money and to amass more material possessions. I struggle to believe that both of these goals can be simultaneously achieved.

8. Get at least one tattoo. Preferably this on my forearm:

9. Start shooting and editing videos again. First up, a love letter to my kitty.

10. Verbally abuse a Trader Joe's employee.

11. Make Charles Klepfer's delicious vegetable soup. Perhaps you can too:

3 leeks, roots and fronds discarded, chopped
1 medium white onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, minced
4 medium carrots, diced
2 stalks of celery, diced
2 ears of corn, husks, silks and cobs discarded
4 medium yellow boiling potatoes, peeled and cubed
1/2 lb of green beans, ends discarded, chopped
28oz can of plum tomatoes, chopped, juice reserved
1 qt vegetable stock
1 qt chicken stock
1 pc parmesan rind (optional)
1 bouquet garni of parsley stems, sage, thyme, laurel and tarragon
3 tbsp of tomato paste
4 tbsp of olive oil
1 dried habañero chilli (optional)
salt & black pepper to taste
parsley, chopped, to taste
lemon juice, to taste (1 lemon should do it)

Vegetable soup... its construction is as strictly regimented as are the ways to apply paint to canvas.

All that can be said definitively is that the contents of your cauldron should resolve as a showcase of your chosen fruits de terre; the bodies you've selected imbuing their cooking liquid with a rich and wholesome flavor, becoming of their full potential as the base bounties of soil and sunshine.

This following is just my take... one of a million ways to make this dish. Dish? No, it's more of a concept.

If you’ll indulge a spot of pedantry for a moment… plants convert photons, carbon dioxide and earth-liquor into their own complex brand of matter. You, you take whatsoever of these somewhat miraculous substances, the ones you happen to find accessible and appetizing, and combine and contort them in a manner that's suitable to your palate. I can tell you that, to my tongue, the subsequent method will make a delicious pot of fortifyingplantae goodness.

A final note – I recommend the use of fresh ingredients in making this soup. I assume that of all my friends on facebook, only a few will have read this far, and that all of you have access to grocery stores that stock fresh produce year-round. Vegetable soup is a concoction that thrives on subtlety. Frozen veggies and dried herbs save time and money... I can't argue with that. But you can't argue with the fact that fresh ingredients make a better pot of soup. Also, don’t cut down on the fat. The latest scientific studies conclude that there are many nutrients present in vegetables that are much more readily absorbed by the human body when consumed in concert with lipids. So there.

Vegetable Soup

1. Heat olive oil in a suitably large pot over medium low flame.
2. Drop the aromatics in. That is: leek, onion and garlic. Let them sweat (not simmer!) until the perfume rolling from the pot is no longer acrid, 20 minutes or more. There shouldn’t be browning at this point.
3. Add the carrot and celery, and continue to gently cook for 10 minutes or so, until these latest additions begin to soften ever so.
4. Add the tomato paste. Stir everything very well to coat. Cook another 20 to 30 minutes, until the tomato paste begins to caramelize and lose its acidity, stirring from time to time.
5. Add the potatoes, stirring occasionally for another 10 to 15 minutes.
6. Add the green beans, corn kernels, chopped tomatoes and their juice, stocks, bouquet garni, parmesan ride, salt (go easy on it at this point), black pepper and dried chilli (if using).
7. Bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer and cook for at least 2 hours, covered, stirring when you think of it.
8. When done to your liking, remove from heat, taste and adjust for saltiness, remove the cheese rind and bouquet garni and stir in chopped parsley leaves and lemon juice.

That’s it. Once the potatoes have begun to break down and thicken the broth, it’s time to ladle this magnificent conflagration into bowls and enjoy with deep, slurp-encouraging spoons and thick slices of toasted, buttered bread.

Remember… eat your veggies!

12. Smoke more weed.

13. Make more eye contact.

14. Write my pen pal regularly.

15. Take more pictures and shoot with my Super 8, 120mm, and Polaroid camera.

16. Record a Podcast.

Change is the only constant. I don’t know who first said that and I don’t really care to quote them. Fuck them. I’m saying it now. It’s 2012, supposedly the last year on earth if you believe any Mayan calendar bullshit. Truth is, this world is going to keep on moving on, whether for the better or worse way beyond 2012. This year we may or may not get a new president. This year I will turn 32 years old. This year I am moving back in with my parents to save some more money. Boo and yeah to that last one. Whatever social stigma living with your parents has become does not outweigh the benefits of saving money. So, saving money on rent, food, and utilities is nothing to scoff at starting March 1^st. Booyeah.

Scottsdale COMMUNITY College has approved me to go to their fine school. However, their financial aid has turned me down for the third and last time. I have gotten the not so subtle hint and realized that the odds are stacked against me and that I should abandon the idea of becoming a student once again. To be honest, the only reason I wanted to in the first place was to meet new people and to reignite my passion of writing and filmmaking. Both of these things I can do on my own without the added baggage of schoolwork and commuting. So there, fuckhead federal financial aid people! The joke’s on you bureaucrats, I’m going to die in debt! Ha! Suck on that!

I don’t really want to die in debt. I actually want to take some time to pay back some tremendous debt I’m already in to the tune of about $50,000. Most of it is student loan crap. Take this advice from me, youngsters and aspiring whatevers: DO NOT GET A LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE! Especially from an art school. If you even choose to go to college get ultra-specific with your major and preference of study. I was taught so much random bullshit that I don’t even know what my talent is, if I have any at all. That, and it doesn’t really help that my college was kind of shady and wasn’t really accredited so none of my credits transfer anywhere.

I’d like to get my pathetic credit score of 643 to at least 800, singing the freecreditreport.com song the entire time:

Hansel: Version 6.4: The Softie

2011-10-30T14:54:00.001-07:00

It's been more than two months since I've really gotten into a long form of spilling my guts on this blog. I guess I'm overdue. So I'll catch you up on all the minutiae you probably don't care about. Or maybe you do. Sorry, that was dismissive. I traveled to Indianapolis for two weddings on the same day back in September. I needed the vacation and it was good to see certain people and even better to meet new people. Also, congratulations to Sarah and Walker and Jasin and Jolene. The sad truth is that Indianapolis is still pretty much a bummer. Well, at least it’s a bummer to me. It’s like when you go to a summer camp as an adult and realize it’s half the actual size you thought it was. When you’ve lived and traveled beyond the constricting confines of your hometown, everything else seems so vast. Well, at least to me. Luckily, I didn’t run into any “undesirables” while out there. Nowadays, that only tends to happen in sober dreams, which is kind of worse because I cannot control those. And all those musicians that were in bands they believed had future and promise are now nurturing the sore rectum of realizing I was right. You’re all broken up and not playing together anymore.

Speaking of break-ups, back in August, my Arizona health care dumped me for “making above the allowable income.” I made roughly $30 above the allowable income. Funny, I don’t feel like I make too much money at my quick service restaurant job. In fact, I can barely take care of most of my expenses at this awesomely high paying job. So, no more affordable prescriptions, no insulin, no doctor visits or pump supplies. Oh, and another reason they dropped me: I am a childless adult. If you’ve ever met me I hope you could agree that the most irresponsible thing I could do at this juncture in my life would be to breed. I am now floundering around in the system without health care, which isn’t really all bad. I got on a program where insulin is free and all my other prescriptions are five dollars each. However, pump supplies are roughly two hundred dollars a month. Doctor visits and blood work are all in the range of ten to twenty-five dollars. It could be worse. Then again, it could always be better. Maybe Republicunts are right; maybe I should get a better job, get a life, and pull myself up by my bootstraps and get some real health care. What the fuck does “pull yourself up by your bootstraps even mean?” Show of hands as to who has done that activity recently?

I accidentally sent my iPod through the washer and dryer and I am using that as a pitiful excuse to not go to the gym. I miss working out and having that positive energy. Lately, lethargic feelings have consumed me and I find myself sleeping the days away and watching too much television and movies. Hey, the McRib

is back!

I’ve got a crush, but she’s taken. Of course. I’m on these pathetic dating websites where, if I get any interaction, it’s either from excessively heavy women or religious women attempting to “save” me. I don’t really try in the sense that I’m not going out and pursuing a significant other. Also, I’m not what you call a “pussy moistener.” So, I’m told I can’t complain. Fuck that, I can always complain. It’s not like I had any success the last few times I merely even asked a girl for her number. Did I not get the memo that I was a horrendous, offensive, bridge-dwelling troll who doesn’t even deserve the common respect of the words: “sorry, not interested.” So……whatever, why even try? I know the most worthwhile experiences and relationships come when you’re not in a state of expectation or desperation. But what if you’re an unlikable piece of shit like I’ve been led to believe I am by these aloof, beautiful princesses that take so much joy in rejecting me? I don’t really believe that, but sometimes when I’m lonely, I believe it. Blah, blah, blah, fuck a hooker.

Third time’s a charm. This Tuesday I am filing my third and final appeal for financial aid to Scottsdale Community College Film School. If denied, I’m giving it the fuck up. It’s not worth my sanity to do this over and over again only to eat a feces sandwich. I’ve taken care of everything I’ve been told I have to, but you never know with these assholes. And what the fuck is a fighting artichoke?

So, in the ovarian cyst of life, these are my pus-filled chasms. I assure you that I’m not as negative and hateful as I may sometimes seem. I’m like the creamy nougat center of a Snickers bar. I’m a softie.

Malaise

2011-10-29T01:36:00.005-07:00

Malaise
Noun

1. A feeling of unease or depression.

2. A mild sickness, not symptomatic of any disease or ailment.

3. A complex problems affecting a country or economy.

I feel like I've been overusing the C-word recently. Either that, or people are being cunts.

I think I'm officially too old to care about Halloween anymore. But I still reserve the right to bust out my Trig Palin outfit in the future. And ladies, please still take this opportunity to dress like a whore for one day.

I'd like to have a job where I get a modicum of respect.

MILFs are beginning to seem like they're in my age range.

Pumpkin hummus.

Redbox vs. Netflix vs. Video on Demand. I love you, Netflix, but I think the latter contender is taking this trophy home.

Every year, the media and a handful of people try to get me interested in baseball, and every year they fail.

In times of genuine awkwardness, my mind reverts back to the memory of my father catching me masturbating to a J. Lo video.

I want this Polish movie poster for Christmas. It's $200. Start saving.

I like you and I'd like to get to know you better. Problem is that anyone that spends a significant amount of time with me finds me irritating. And people who don't even bother to get to know me usually find themselves better off.

Fuck Halloween, I'm ready for a pity party.

When I become old and crotchety, then it seems I'll have a license to bitch as much as I do. Maybe it will all just overwhelm me and I'll walk into traffic and end it by then.

I should eat more nuts. And for those of you who are trying to make some sort of moronic homosexual connotation to this...how many gay or straight people do you know that are literally chewing and consuming male testicles? Grow the fuck up.

Here is the only photo from the wedding I recently attended that I am prominently featured in.....kinda.

Cucumber slices on my eyelids.

2011-08-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

1. We're all lucky we're not dead yet.

2. Call me crazy, but if I see oncoming traffic, I do not merge into it. The other drivers don't know my intentions. Why would they?

3. Does Hansel like the phrase "not so much?" Yeah, not so much.

4. So, I'm an uncle and his name is Sam. But merely bringing another life into this cruel world does not negate the horrible shit you said about me. Nor does it negate your defense of a fucktard motherfucker trying to pick fights with me via internet. You still owe me an apology.

5. How can Eminem be a millionaire and still scowl in his photos like an unhappy teenager? Awwww, poor guy.

6. Every time I look deep into Michele Bachmann's eyes, I imagine her giving me head, looking up at me with that laser-like focus, attempting to slurp out my soul.

7. So, Emma Stone and Justin Timberlake just decided they were going to be in every movie ever made from now on?

8. Click on this pic. You shall enjoy.

9. Also, click on this. I approve.

10. Hero. Yeah, that word's overused.

VS.

2011-08-10T21:42:00.001-07:00

The last time I had sexual relations with a woman was March 17th, 2009. Since then I have gone on one ill-fated date with a girl who was way too obsessed with her child to give a shit about romance. Also, she was a hipster, and hipsters suck. So, a drought of more than two years is what I'm "suffering" from. But it's not just a drought from all things sexual. It's been a complete dry spell of interaction with the opposite sex. I don't like dating. It's an elaborate ass-sniffing contest that parallels a fucking job interview. And in my case, it often lends to rejection. So, why try in the first place, loser? Why? Because loneliness blows and sometimes you want to watch a shitty movie and share Indian food with another living being.

Don't get me wrong, the main problem is myself. I've got a lot of issues and I think it would take someone very special and open-minded to come into my world. But there's another glaring, persistent problem that is not being fully addressed and that is:

DOUCHEBAGS

This is a manifesto, a fucking call to arms, an assault with bodily injury against douchebag tool fucking assholes AND (more importantly) the vapid, glutton-for-punishment women who validate their presence by falling for them. So many dickheads with so many girlfriends. I will never understand it. I often hear the claim "girls like assholes." Really? Okay, then you're to blame when he's holding your broken nose over a fireplace because you burned the goddamn pot roast. Have some respect for yourself. No one, with the exception of Sarah Palin and her family, deserves to be treated like shit. It makes your soul look disgusting when you actually tolerate being shat upon just to uphold this moronic "girls like assholes" credo.

Let's lay out what a douchebag truly is physically:

I have no artistic talent when it comes to drawing, but I have the perfect image in my head. This may be specific to Arizona, for there are many different breeds of douchebag, so I'll lay out a police blotter type description. This pic is pretty close.

Male, 17-40 years of age.

Hat slightly cocked to the side with the brim propped up, or with the stickers still on it.

Spends too much time at the gym.

Wardrobe consists of any of the following: Fox Racing, Von Dutch, Ed Hardy, Tap Out, graphic print t-shirts, wifebeaters in public, No Fear, sunglasses indoors, or resting on the back of their neck.

Drenched in cheap cologne.

Uses phrases like: Bro (pronounced Brah), no worries, and perhaps quotes from the Jersey Shore.

Now, a douchebag's musical taste may be so varied that maybe you and him have some common ground, but one thing is for certain: all douchebags like Nickelback.

Watches MMA and does not recognize the homoeroticism.

Tribal tattoos.

Gauges in the ears.

Probably at least one meth addict in their immediate family.

Into off-roading, motorcycles, racing, etc., Even though he probably drives a Mercury Sable.

Whatever, I assume you get the drift. Why any pretty, emotionally secure woman would find any of this attractive is beyond me. One thing I will give them is that they have unwavering confidence. Definitely more confidence than I possess. But what's the attraction here? I don't like when girls stop trying and agree on a uniform. I really do believe that if I dressed up as my idea of a douchebag as a social experiment, and went into public, I'd have to slide a drip pan under every female's crotch.

Ladies, I know there's more to it. Maybe the sex is great, maybe he's got a good car and a great job, maybe he's a provider, maybe he's fucking hilarious. But if he lies to you, cheats on you, and treats you like general shit, you're to blame for sticking around. I'm over here in my one bedroom apartment with no intention of treating someone I'd be in a loving relationship with like shit. I think douchebags are like European models in that they take everything for granted and walk around with a smug sense of entitlement, expecting everything to go their way. And so far it has. And this will probably never change so long as women fall for it.

I can be upset about this all I want. I realize it's jealousy and it doesn't make me feel any better to discuss douchebags when I'm still a lonely man in his early 30's, loving on a black cat and watching entirely too many Netflix instant movies.

So, chalk this semi-manifesto up as a small victory.

I have to go now, a hot blonde and brunette just came through the gate of the pool I'm writing this at. They're with a guy that has TRUTH tattooed on his chest in Old English font and black gauges in his ears.

Sigh.

Recent Poetry (Grab your tampon)

2011-07-25T02:59:00.002-07:00

El Bano

I have never truly known happiness

maybe it is stuck

in between the forlorn and unforgiven

or maybe he's black

and 10.5 pounds

and headbutts me to say hi

maybe he's an idiot

with a taste for fake filet mignon

and an acceptance for dry, malformed kittle.

he voices his displeasure

when he does not get his way

and then remains calm

he is the bathroom

and I've never urinated upon him

he is my best friend

and I've never really trusted him with information

he senses sad

he says hi with a poke and a nudge and then looks

off into the distance

with a stare that convinces you...

"he's thinking about something..."

perhaps he cares about your problems

he probably doesn't

and then he saunters off

anus in your face

it exfoliates the skin.

The Bathroom

His front paws are gone.

I didn't do it, asshole.

but when he makes biscuits on paper

and gives a look back to me

my cold heart melts

i remember when my mom told me

she cut her cat's whiskers

moron

his tinglie and tangle every which way

even when I babble nonsense his way

nacho babba gouda frontier

headbutt.

A Welcome Like That

You ever barely fart?

and it just oozes out of you, yet stinks up the whole living space?

and yet there's a dude, meowing or howling

sometimes what's the difference?

do you think he or she smells it

or just wants the attention?

I'm going for the latter.

and so he herds me towards his bowl

like I don't know where the fuck it is

I bought it, bitch

and he looks up at me and gives a pathetic cry

and I put stuff in his bowl

and I see him again on my lap, quiet

he headbutts my nipple and does this odd noggin thing

which I'm sure feels good if you're a feline

but feels even better if you're a lonely man.

The Oregon Trail

Love. It's weird.

And no dumbass can really explain it

or define it

or put it into a poem

but you know it when it happens

kind of like diarrhea or disease

it overcomes you

and you want no one close

Love, it's stupid

and every dumbass will eventually fall out of it

or die

or put it into a poem

but, but is spelled with one "t" and butt is spelled with two

and that's where shit comes streaming out of.

The Monster That Lives Inside Me

I hate everybody and everything

except him

and except you. No, not you, I mean you.

Yes....

Go on thinking you're expendable and my thoughts can't do without you

they're just thoughts

There was this guy on Milpas Ave. in Santa Barbara

and he had a breakfast joint

that no one would go to

it was sad.

But we were always there and he would cook us amazing feasts

and he would put our pictures on the wall

and we would pay and tip.

I doubt he's there anymore

I think of him when I fuck up.

At least he did that and made some people jovial

on his little corner

in the happy place I go to.

Bury me in Santa Barbara, but please wait until I die.

I Approve This Message

2011-07-02T03:14:00.001-07:00

If I were running for any political office, these would be my platforms:

Free health care for everyone. When I say everyone, I mean the junkie with AIDS, the homeless dude with lupus and the type 1 diabetic at a low income job. EVERYONE.

Replace the communion wafer with a buffalo wing.

Everyone on death row will be executed. On the same day. That day will be Valentine's Day.

Every foreign country with their own problems has to fucking deal with them on their own. We'll be over here in the "free" world.

Mere profanity alone does not deserve an "R" rating.

Raise the minimum wage every 3 months.

Gay marriage is legal in every state and sometimes enforced by a trio of fat women with low self-esteem, living vicariously through their gay friends.

All male politicians are required to send a pic of their flaccid penis to all their constituents prior to election.

Marijuana is legal in all of the United States, but it will be illegal to smoke weed and quote "Family Guy."

The next "Jackass" movie qualifies to be nominated in the Documentary Feature category of the Academy Awards.

Tribal tattoos are punishable by death. Specifically drawing and quartering.

Less guns, more abortions. If guns don't kill people, and people kill people, then shouldn't we cut down on the people?

The following people will be rounded up and placed in internment/concentration camps:

White people with cornrows.

People who do not return their shopping cart to the cart corral.

People who call or email the corporate office to complain.

The lady who runs the U-Scan thing at the grocery store. Why don't you just ring me the fuck up? I forgot I worked here, bitch.

People who don't use their turn signals.

People who claim they don't pee in the shower. News flash: everyone pees in the shower.

Ann Coulter.

Complaints and Observations from an Irrational Human Being

2011-05-08T19:31:00.002-07:00

I haven't blogged or really even written anything of note since February 17th of this year. I don't know why. Maybe I've been lazy, or just blocked, or spending too much time working and dicking around on facebook? Maybe I've been eating too much junk food and getting drunk on a regular basis? Or maybe I've been donating my time and money to charities and working out at the gym. Whatever. You don't know me. But I have been absent and I wholeheartedly apologize....mainly to myself and to my warped sense of narcissism. I promise to not neglect you in the future and vow to amp up the writing and blogging and bitching and complaining and yarn-spinning that I originally devised this site for.

1. Arguing in public and then storming away in your flip-flops really destroys whatever point you were attempting to make.

2. Say what you will, depression is a great way to lose some pounds.

3. First Osama Bin Laden, and now the Lakers? Are the gods finally smiling upon me? Doubtful. And what gods?

This was a cheap fucking shot. Andrew Bynum's mother should be ashamed that he came out of her.

4. Is it wrong that I'm checking out the pretty girl in the dog park from the comfort of my couch? I don't think so? Why am I even asking you? I think the fact that I'm a dog hater has already tarnished our non-existent relationship.

5. I left my digital camera at some bitch's house that hopefully dies of morbid obesity soon. So now I have to rely on my phone's retro camera app to take some pics. Is this a reluctant hipster problem or a white person problem?

6. I've had an impacted assfull of movies based on graphic novels.

7. While driving around today, to clear my head as I often do, I noticed all the families wearing their "Sunday Best" gathered at chain restaurants. I know it happened to be Mother's Day and this is what people are supposed to do, right? Go out to a crowded fill-in-the-blank chain restaurant that has chicken fingers and/or mozzarella sticks and have a nice, loud, family dinner? The sight of this made me want to vomit. By the way, I sincerely doubt that being a mother is the hardest job on earth. There's 11 deceased oil workers from the former Deepwater Horizon who may disagree with you.

9. Tango and Cash then:

Tango and Cash now:

Discuss...

10. My apologies ma'am, but the only reason I am wearing these sunglasses indoors is to check out your daughter's gelatinous love bubble of an ass.

11. "How do you feel about statutory rape?" is a horrible pick-up line.

12. Is it bad that my road bike has collected spiderwebs due to me not riding it for damn near 3 months?

Room for Rueben

2011-02-17T03:04:00.000-07:00

A couple of thoughts first off:

1. I'm an idiot.
2. If you don't find the comedy in where you work, your life deserves to be miserable.

We serve a rueben. It's not the greatest. It's also not the worst. But we grill it. We have a large, temperature controlled grill. Now when I say temperature controlled, I mean it starts hot at the left end and decreases in temperature the further right it goes. I'm intoxicated so I don't know if that makes sense. But basically, the right side of the grill serves more as a toasting function and a place to heat up the corned beef. Fantastic. Great. Who gives a shit? Sometimes when we get busy, there is limited space for a specialty sandwich such as the rueben. So, inevitably, a person working the grill, or pulling from it, will have to ask, "Is there room for this rueben?" Or in the case of this bizarre scenario: "Room for Rueben?" Sitcom gold.

Remember this fat fuck?

Shortly after this photo he ate both those dogs with hot sauce. Just kidding. This is Ruben Studdard (nevermind the difference in the spelling of the name), and he was the second winner of the immensely popular American Idol program. I'm also told he's straight, but take another fucking look at those well-dressed pups of his. This is who he lost to:

I'm told he's gay. Who knew?

Anyway, here's the setup: Ruben is looking for a boost in his career. I mean, he's a fat, black crooner, right? There's an untapped market for that now that Barry White died at Krispy Kreme. And Ruben wants to make it in NYC. Problem is that apartments there are so expensive and so small. So, he's either got to be more talented (which is impossible) or less fat. He wants to move into a one bedroom in Manhattan, which is ridiculously expensive.....and small....So he needs to lose weight. Enter the second half of this odd couple romance:

Jillian is his roommate, forcing him to lose some pounds so they can comfortably live together and maybe, just maybe, she'll make "Room for Rueben" in her life.....

Insomnia is not a real disease

2011-02-09T00:11:00.000-07:00

So, I can't sleep and I've got nothing better or more productive to do than to hop on here and blow hard. Well, I did give my armpits the once over and they could use a good trim, but who besides me is even paying attention to the overgrowth there? not even 3 hours ago I took 2 tylenol pm's, two valerian root pills, and a shot of Nyquil. About 15 minutes ago I just darted up out of nowhere, not even feeling woozy or tired. That cocktail of sleep would've Terry Schiavo'd everyone I know, yet I'm somehow resilient. This always happens during periods of detox. I can't sleep, and when I do, I turn from side to side all night and sweat so much. When I try to lie down naturally and let the coma of sleep wash over me, the circus of thoughts and worries begin. What am I doing with my life? Do I really have enough money saved for that couch? Why doesn't she like me? Am I really using the right kind of toothpaste? What would it be like to date a deaf chick........and so on and so forth.... So, now, instead of berating my own psychosis, I am going to take it out on the internet. You'll witness my circus with ME, LIKE A FUCKING FAMILY!!!!

1. At AT&T today, an old lady came in after me and wanted to get help before me. Always the gentleman, I told her that I was here first and I should therefore get helped first. She called me rude. I asked her if she thought she was being rude at all by insisting to cut ahead of me, assuming her business was more important than mine. Before she could respond, another customer concurred with my thought and the old bitch conceded. As she should have.

2. Prison is not a place to brag about your designer shoes.

3. At one point do people in the Middle East take some personal inventory and realize they might be to blame for all the unrest in their corner of the sandbox? It's not always the dictators. I think you fuckers got some anger issues.

4. Let's take some more Nyquil and see where this goes....Maybe I'll start acting like Lil' Wayne, drop some lame ass rhymes, spill henna tattoos all over my face, and make poo strings out of my hair.

5. You are an asshole when:

You back your car into parking spots.

You've been to a Mickey Avalon concert.

You wear sunglasses indoors.

You can't go through a feature length movie without smoking one cigarette.

6. Moment of zen: My future apartment complex pool:

"Watching him act like a psychopathic killer with a mommy complex is like watching someone else throw up."

2011-02-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know if any of you well-rounded people have had this moment in life, but I had an experience last night where I was physically and mentally preparing myself to serve 18 years to life in prison for assaulting and possibly murdering another human being. If given an address, I was ready to hop in my truck and travel to the Midwest to beat a man with a tire iron and impale his skull on a radiator hose. All because this complete stranger decided to pick a fight with me on Facebook about old shit in my past. Why? I do not know, but he was truly attempting to get under my skin and he succeeded. I suppose I must have humbled him in taking the bait. After some heavy drinking and introspection, I thought to myself: why even burn the calories? Why waste the time concerning myself with what some full grown shithead is saying about me on the internet? If it's childish of him to say it in the first place, it's doubly childish to give him a voice and fall into his sinister, smug little plan. He'll die on the toilet, hating his life one day and things will even out. Or so this is the Mantra I must repeat to myself.

Hey, South Peoria Baptist Church, Go Fuck Yourselves

2011-01-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

Green Porno

2011-01-21T03:05:00.000-07:00

Thrift Store Finds for 1/15/2011

2011-01-17T20:14:00.000-07:00

50% off at Goodwill has become my routine every other Saturday. I start in Scottsdale, then fan out to Phoenix and work my way up to Peoria and Surprise. I love it. Here's what I picked up:

Baby blue cashmere sweater.

Fancy button-up for all those nights where I don't go anywhere.

Pepto Bismol pink hoodie. I slept in this thing. It's awesome.

3 random records.

2 parrot figurines, a small palm tree, a hammock looking thing that can probably hold fruit, and a bartending kit.

A kitty figurine, industrial size salt and pepper shakers, a parrot plate, a refrigerator magnet with the "Hang in There" cats, and the cassette soundtrack to the movie "Krush Groove."

A Hansel and Gretel cookie tin, an old jewelry box that I use to stash paraphernalia in, and a neat little mini set of drawers.

A beach chair and a paper umbrella made to look like it goes in a tropical drink.

But here it is, the belle of the ball, the cream of the crop, the outright winner.....

An authentic gymnastics spring board which is now chilling at the foot of my bed.

The collective total of everything= $55.43.

2011 Resolutions

2011-01-17T18:37:00.001-07:00

Okay, today's the 17th, so I'm a little late on this. Who are you, the resolution police? The stupid thing about New Year's resolutions are that they almost always end up being broken. So, making them is just a knee-jerk reaction to the coming of a new year. It also assumes that you have some things that you need to change. What does a perfect person's New Year's resolution list look like? Do they have things like: flip the bird more often, or cut more people off in traffic? Probably not. A few things my resolution list will not cover: I will not be declaring my abstinence from alcoholic beverages and I will also not be expressing a want to spend more time with my family. No offense to the sober or family-oriented folk, I just know who I am and I'm not going to deny reality. So, here we go:

1. Smoke more marijuana. Hey, it's healthier and I actually enjoy the energy and euphoria it gives me.

2. Enroll in Scottsdale Community College for a screenwriting associate's degree. I know it's just a goddamn associate's degree at a junior college, but I want to get back out there and mingle with creative people. I'm surrounded by the elderly and the soul-sucked co-employees of my quick service restaurant. I need an environment where I can thrive a little more. And I love to write and I need motivation. Plus, college chicks are hot.

3. Trust less people. Everyone you know probably doesn't have your best interests at heart. They may say they do, but in reality, we're all out for ourselves. It sucks, but it's true. The less you put trust in people, the less you get trampled on.

4. Write. Just do it. Don't believe you're blocked or you're just not feeling it. Write.

5. Move out of my parents house. I was thinking the other day, "What if you were on a first date, Hansel, and they asked about you?" Would my response really be that I'm 30, I work at a quick service restaurant, and I live with my parents and my adoring cat? That's not much of a resume to promote myself with. Something within my power and kind of within in my budget is to move out to a nice little apartment, where I can at least be miserable under my own roof. That, and I don't have to poop with the door closed.

6. Skydive. And get all the video and photos I can and edit that shit together to the tune of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly." Or perhaps something less cornball.

7. There's a place called True Rest. And I want to do it. It's the closest I'm ever probably going to get to being in a sensory deprivation tank.

8. Climb a mountain. It looks hard on fictionalized television realty shows, but fuck off.

9. One word: two syllables: IKEA.

10. Spend more time outdoors, whether it be hiking or camping or both. I'm surrounded by mountains, I should climb one, but I've already covered that.

11. Get down to 175 lbs. I guess this could mean to hit the gym more often, but it also means to pay closer attention to what I'm eating. No one finds a doughy belly full of curds and Miller High Life sexy, right?

12. Travel to one or all of these destinations: Austin, TX, New Orleans, LA, San Jose, CA.

13. Photocopy my ass.

14. Ride in a hot air balloon.

15. Visit a psychic.

16. Start to learn a foreign language. I'm leaning towards Spanish or Italian.

17. Touch an elephant at the Phoenix Zoo.

18. Become an uncle.

19. Watch more movies. I know it seems like I already watch too many movies, but I should be watching more if for no other reason than to have an opinion on them. I'll start with the Marmaduke movie.

20. Read more and watch less television.

21. Complain less, or at least be less vocal about my complaints.

22. Stop continuing to squander my creativity. Take more pictures, film more, edit more, write until my fingers bleed.

23. Make out with you. And if you think I'm talking about you, you're absolutely right.

24. Get some new tattoos.

25. Start taking comedy improv/acting classes.

Hugo Winterhalter Goes Hawaiian

2010-12-24T01:08:00.000-07:00

So, I'm listening to this scratchy record, daydreaming of having a place of my own and giving it a Hawaiian-Tiki lounge kind of theme.

You know, just lounging back, drinking out of a coconut, looking like Dr. Jacoby in "Twin Peaks." I don't care if that reference is wasted upon you. Maybe you should click on the below link and figure out what I'm talking about.

Anyways, I've got a Sicilian California Pizza Kitchen in the oven and I feel like airing some thoughts out.

1. Just heard an overweight person say "I want someone to reteach me how to live." What the fuck? Is it someone's job to teach people how to live? Where are these educators? Who do we call about this?

2. People that have no comprehension or understanding of how type 1 diabetes works should keep their mouths shut around type 1 diabetics.

3. Fuck everything you've ever heard, this is THE hangover remedy. Find it at Walgreens. Click on the picture to explore further. Who the Hell is Trace Adkins?

4. I wish I could get to know you better and that you could get to know me better, but that's life. It's not my intention to make you uncomfortable. I guess I'll back off.

5. Playboy is too tame for me. I blame the internet and fake tits.

6. You cannot cut tension with a knife.

7. You know you're drunk when you forgot if you masturbated before you went to bed.

8. What's weird about weather is that we all know, or at least have the avenues prepared to find out when it is coming, and yet we're all surprised about it and decide to interject it into conversations. Let me put this simply and bluntly: Shut the fuck up.

9. D'Brickashaw Ferguson. This is supposed to be a name? Plaxico Burress? That sounds like a warehouse job I had back in 1999. Champ Bailey? I give the fuck up.

10. I think I could take a .22 caliber bullet to the head.

11. This is funny:

12. A friend of mine just got engaged. Am I going to get a wedding invitation?

13.

Creep

2010-12-19T14:25:00.005-07:00

I am not a creep. I'm not a stalker. What I have inside of me are lofty thoughts of romance. Some would call it a crush. Perhaps I don't go about my crush the standard way. What is the standard way? I'm relatively new to Arizona. I have only a few friends and I'm looking to make more. I swear I don't want to rape and kill you. I don't get off on things like that. You know what's crazy about me? I enjoy reciprocation and friendship. I'm not even that sexual in nature. Sure, I talk a lot of shit and I like sex as much as the next person, but it doesn't control my life. If I had the choice to fuck multiple partners like a rabid bunny for the rest of my life or find true, everlasting love, I would go with the latter. I'm a pussy like that. I'm not steered by the GPS of my cock. Maybe it's because I've lived out at least a third of my life already and have had several debilitating experiences to learn from. Loss and change seem to be the only constants. So, label me what you will, but just realize that you're putting yourself up on a pedestal with the belief that I have ulterior motives. This entire world needs to get over itself. Self-importance, material possessions, and vanity seem to be celebrated daily. Don't believe me? Could you go a month without a cell phone? Could you give up the internet for a month, or at least avoid updating your social networking statuses? Would you wear sweatpants to a first date? Or how about a blue Mohawk to court? Would you even bother to begin talking to someone massively different than you? Someone you know you probably wouldn't get along with and you probably wouldn't like. Everyone deserves to be knocked down a peg. Take note of your surroundings and realize we're not all the same and it would be a boring, plodding mess if we were. Don't think that I'm above heeding my own advice, however. I assault my narcissism on a regular fucking basis. The odd thing about ego is that we all have it and we want to build it up. That's the truth. You're not as important as you think you are and I'm not as important as I think I am. But isn't it fun to think so? Anyway, give me a chance and I'll change your life.

-Kumi Yamashita

The Assassination of Yogi Bear by the Coward Boo Boo

2010-12-18T15:24:00.002-07:00

How To Be Alone

2010-12-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

A Poem by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient.

If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.

Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

Take silence and respect it.

If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

For the Lonely, if You're Still Out There

2010-12-17T07:37:00.000-07:00

The Object of my Affection

2010-12-12T17:41:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've been busting the chops of the Palin family on my Facebook page. It's fun, harmless, and a great source of comic material. Here's a snippet:

Bristol Palin is to abstinence what the Octomom is to birth control.

Imagine Todd's surprise when he was in the room while sarah was giving birth to his 5th child, who happened to be a placenta covered coonskin cap. She later named it Aiden.

Once again, Trig wins the annual Scrabble tournament at the Palin commune. You'll get 'em next year, Willow!

Todd turned down an animated movie about how his taint turned on mama palin. It was tentatively titled "tainted love," but I suppose that's why pencils have erasers...

Bristol: Just come on my tits.... Levi: And ruin my reputation?

Trig Gump has AIDS.

Sarah: Don'tcha know? Todd: No, and get your fucking asshole out of my face!!! And then a bison died on the Tundra....

Sarah Palin uses Shamwows as tampons.

Todd Palin recently legally changed his name to Tod, loudly declaring: good enough for God, good enough for Tod!

Ever since she discovered that she was a natural squirter with Levi, she has adopted the moniker "Bristol the Pistol."

Todd met Sarah after a particularly white trash version of "spin the pill bottle" in rural Juneau, Alaska. Soon after they were having missionary sex on a bearskin rug while Sarah was heard screaming "DON'T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!!"

When bored, Trig Palin will climb the Sitka Spruce in the backyard and solve popular physics equations like 1 u 1 66 1027==- . kg931 MeV/2cProton mass. He'll then shit his pants and fish it out with his lobster claw of a hand.

Watching Willow Palin attempt to figure out the enigma that is a dental dam is about as entertaining as Bristol's two-step.

Sarah Palin's bathwater is hydrochloric acid.

Todd Palin's training as an elephant trainer was good experience for having to forage into Sarah's butt mud pile and remove Stone Phillips' gold watch. Sarah Palin is a bitch.

Track and Piper Palin are clearly not as media savvy as the rest of the brood. It's partly because they happen to be inbred yeti-Inuit warriors. Or as the uneducated calls them: Backyard Bigfoot snow Mexicans.

Willow Palin's menstrual lining resembles a week old Jack in the Box taco.

Excited about his goodly wife's exodus to Haiti, Todd decided to lather his body in lemon-scented massage oil and invite over his old college buddy, Lance, for a rowdy duel of Roman Greco wrestling.

More to come!

I am not a Catch

2010-12-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

I'm 30. I live with my retired parents. I work at a fast food restaurant. I have a Bachelor's Degree that I'm obviously doing nothing with. I'm paying towards a student loan just so I can slog my way back to a Community College in Scottsdale. I'm on anti-depressants because I'm clearly depressed. I drink too much. I fall too hard. I'm massively in love with my cat. I can't "spit game." I'm pale to the point that I'm almost an albino. I'm a type 1 diabetic. I've lost most the friends I've accrued in my life due to poor choices and inflamed emotions. I'm sensitive. I'm not hip. I've overly critical and hyper vigilant in my actions. I'm gross. I have minimal to no talent in most everything. I'm a perpetual "C" student. I'm not good at sports. I'm about 20 pounds overweight. Creditors call me everyday. I have a profile on every online dating site you can think of and I have never gotten a message from anyone that I would take seriously. I have been arrested more times than I can count. I've got two DUI's and a felony battery by bodily waste charge under my belt. The only two serious girlfriends I've had in my life are now both married and want absolutely nothing to do with me. I cry while driving to sad music sometimes. I bust balls too much. I speak my mind too much. I talk too much. I blog too much. I masturbate too much. I think too much. I've unsuccessfully (obviously) attempted suicide a handful of times. As much as I pretend not to, I care what people think about me. I can only sleep if medicated by alcohol and/or PM headache medicine. I can't and don't dance. I have bad eyes, a failing kidney, and I would hate to see the hue of my fucking shit-covered liver. I have a sister named Gretel and neither of us are fresh off the fucking boat from Germany. I make a list everyday of stuff to do and don't do 90% of it. I have road rage. I don't believe in ghosts, aliens, or God. I smoke too much. I have bad teeth that need dental work. Oftentimes I have a short temper. I hate praise and yet need validation. I've failed in almost every aspect of life that I can think of. I have barely any empathy for others that have much harsher struggles than I. I dislike children, homeless people, and the elderly. I've been kicked out of 3 separate living situations and I've been at fault for all of them. I've been fired from good jobs at least 3 times. My memory is horrible. When I vomit, the capillaries in my face pop and strain and I look even worse than I normally do. I sleep too much. I eat too much. I hate dogs.

Simply put, I'm not a catch.

Box

2010-12-02T18:32:00.009-07:00

Let's face it: I'm not the most tactful of persons and I kind of have a filthy sense of humor. Good. I like it. It serves me well. So, a very good friend of mine that I don't see nearly enough came up with a system to rate hot chicks. Not a system, really, just a code to speak in so that we didn't have to do the pervert murmur to one another each time we witnessed one in public. In this theory, the afore mentioned hot chick would be referred to as "box." Chauvinistic and juvenile? Of course. But before you judge upon pure crassness, please note the creativity and sheer genius of these different variations on boxes.

For instance: a hot Asian girl:

To-go Box.

And this is how we play the game.

Ex-girlfriend that comes back to you just for sex- XBox

Ex-girlfriend that comes back to you so that you may start dating again- XBox 360

Hot underage girl- Penalty Box.

Hot Arabian girl- Sandbox

Hot Homeless girl- Cardboard box.

Hot girl who you have to slip a roofie to- Pill box.

Hot girl with a yeast infection- Bread box.

Hot dead girl- Pine Box

Hot girl that talks too much- Soapbox

A hot girl that likes it rough- Tackle box.

A trashy hot girl with entirely way too many children- Litter Box.

Hot deaf chick- Voice box.

A hot girl with too many piercings, mostly below the equator- Jewelry box.

A woman whose vagina is so big that you could literally put a large hand inside of it- Glove box.

Having a homosexual experience- Thinking outside the box.

A whorehouse is a- Box Office

A hot mentally retarded girl- Time-out box

Hot redhead- Redbox.

Hot black girl- Black box. (You know, like the indestructible flight recorders on planes?) I feel like this one could use more work.....Maybe Shadowbox?

Hot Italian girl- Pizza Box.

A hot girl you only fuck on your lunch hour- Lunch box.

A hot girl with a douchebag boyfriend- Tool Box.

A hot overweight girl- Sweat box.

A hot transexual- Fuse box

A hot girl that's way out of your league- Box seats.

A Sugar Mama, or a "cougar" that helps you pay your bills- Cash Box.

A girl that can only get off using sex toys- Jack in the Box.

Anyone got any more suggestions? Come on......

I'd Like to File Some Grievances

2010-11-30T23:11:00.001-07:00

1. Your love makes me want to shove a rolled-up newspaper down my throat.

2. Every time I enter a pool and/or hot tub, my natural instinct is to want to urinate. Is this normal?

3. A $700 billion dollar bag of dung on your doorstep.

4. Open letter to the ignorant drivers of the greater Phoenix area of Arizona: Use your goddamn turn signals. Are they not operable here? Do I need to send a memo to the department of transportation to oversee this matter? No. I'm willing to bet this is all 100% operator error. Fuck you.

5. Never. And I mean NEVER be rude to the people who are preparing your food. I don't know how people don't understand this.

6. Just because Emma Watson's hot does not mean Harry Potter movies are good. Just because Usher draws a lot of ladies to his concerts does not mean you should go to them to troll on babes. People in the entertainment industry should be judged on the merit of their talents. But I'm living in a fantasy world where this will never happen. Plus, has anybody seen what NPR talk show host Terry Gross looks like?

Ugh. She looks like a girl who looks like a boy that looks like a girl that I once had sex with in an ecstasy-crazed stupor.

7. Watching what you say and/or being shy is fucking boring. Censoring yourself because you're afraid of the outcome is the lamest form of complacency I can think of. How hard is it for people to say what they truly think, what they truly feel? When you bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood.

8. Lose your cell phone for a month. It's become a crutch. It's become a fashion accessory for you to lose your mind into. It's a tool to avoid genuine human interaction. It's something you break out amongst others so that you can all compare and contrast each other's barrier of actual communication. Also, you're not that fucking popular.

9. I can't take Tobey Maguire seriously in dramatic roles.

10. People who can't go an hour without a cigarette are fucking pathetic. You ever try to go out to eat or watch a movie with one of these guys or girls? It's sad.

11. Alcoholic? No, I'm an alcoholist. It's a way of life. It's a movement.

12. I'm so corrupted that I would actually relish some sort of innocence. Then I think about that one time I broke into a church and pissed in holy water. I probably deserve this wrath.

13. Conspiracy Theorists: It's not as bad as you think it is. If we were to all follow your logic, then everything we could fathom would be a conspiracy. Is the government trying to kill me with my toothpaste? Are oil changes the work of a secret Socialist sect wanting to overtax me? Where does it end, morons?

14. I'm not really an ass man, nor am I a leg man, or a tit man. You know what I am? I'm a vagina man.

15.