plasticgraduate

I'm back.

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Sun, 26 May 2019 03:21:00 +0000

Dead links and all.

Oregon for the Oregonians!

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 17:00:00 +0000

It's been confirmed by the mouthpiece of liberalism, National Public Radio. There are more foreigners in Oregon than Oregonians. Around these parts, a foreigner is anyone who isn't from Oregon, so I'm counting Californians who have set us on the road to ruin.

And they just keep moving here, these kids. No jobs, but that doesn't seem to matter. Overeducated, overgrown teens chasing after Korean Taco trucks because Twitter tells them to.

Get off my unwatered lawn.

Portland police ask for more money

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 21:51:00 +0000

As an independent crimefighter trying to make a buck, I am competing with Portland's Finest among many other public servants. It can be a difficult row to hoe when their services are paid for by your tax dollars and I have to charge a meager fee to my clients.

I, of course, offer high quality. I promise not to kick the sh*t out of you if you pay me. I have yet to shoot 12 year-old girls with bean bag guns. So when the Portland Police ask for a raise, it galls me.

I fear it may be time to seek greener pastures. For my next post, I will be reporting on the outlook for crimefighting from other locales. Any suggestions?

Facebook fights the eco-terrorists over renewable energy

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 23:29:00 +0000

Two of my greatest nemeses, the eco-terrorists and Facebook, are having a spat about the social media powerhouse's new data center down the road in Prineville.

Apparently, the folks at Greenpeace don't like the fact that most of the energy in Prineville comes from coal.

So, in what will surely go down in history as one of the most effective protests since the Montgomery Bus Boycott, some folks at Greenpeace decided to show their inconformity by creating a Facebook page:

A few days earlier, however, a Facebook spokesperson touted the green design elements of the data center (wuss). Lee Weinstein said the data center "will be one of the most energy efficient in the world...."

He also stated that the Oregon is "very aggressive" in its push toward renewable energy, "calling for 25 percent of power in the state to be produced by renewable resources by 2025. Facebook believes this policy will ensure continued growth of renewable generation resources."

For once the plasticgraduate stands beside Facebook on this one. A fifteen year goal of using 25% renewable energy sounds pretty aggressive to me. Surely Facebook will be around in 15 years to see this goal met.

Meanwhile, I've purchased all the coal I can. If you see a black plume of smoke burning in the forest, you'll have found the secret location of my hideaway.

Last time I checked, global warming isn't real anyway, Greenpeace.

(The clip might not be viewable outside the U.S. Sorry.)

I've upped my standards!

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:00:00 +0000

Yes, in the words of the late, great Pat Paulsen, "I've upped my standards."

Pat Paulsen was a friend of mine. Since I'm no Pat Paulsen, I would never tell anybody to up theirs.

As you may have noticed, there's been a few stylistic changes around this blog.

As readership has rocketed to the high two digits, yours truly felt it was time to ditch that "Blogspot Retro" and go for something a little more befitting my manly, youthful vigor.

Things may not work quite right; I think I've tested everything out. Sometimes the generator goes down here in the Plasticave. So if you catch a problem, a link doesn't work, a page won't load - kindly let me know.

If you aren't happy with the changes, then you are probably a Democrat, and your opinion won't carry much weight around here, anyway.

Technology and Crimefighting: Are they Friends or Frenemies?

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 22:36:00 +0000

My rise to fame in the crimefighting world came in tandem with the explosion of computer technology. I frequently prefer the good, old-fashioned tasering and bean-bag shooting ways of the Portland Police. Those suspected jaywalkers could turn on you at any moment.

However, I've learned to love this Internet thing. I've even begun to spell internet with a small "i," though I can hear my 7th grade English teacher weeping.

There's been a few cases recently involving technology that have got me thinking about how I can better eliminate the scum of the earth. Though, I can't really decide if technology is the answer or the problem.

Up in Lacey, three middle schoolers are facing child pornography charges for sexting a nude picture of a classmate. Yes, these are serious charge. These thirteen year-olds deserve nothing less than to be forced to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives.

In their defense, however, perhaps they were framed. Like this man in Winnepeg (that's in the Socialist 51st State of Canada if you didn't know), who claims to have had explicit text messages pre-set on his cell phone. His girlfriend kicked him out after finding messages such as, "Booty Call," and "Where u at." Now, he's homeless and trying to rebuild his life. His mobile carrier, Virgin (!?), has admitted the error.

Closer to the great state of Oregon, we don't need fingerprints, blood, DNA or witness statements to convict criminals. Motive and a good pair of Nike shoes are plenty. One look at a tread mark, and Nike employee Herbert Hedges can immediately tell you which Nike shoe made it. That's enough to tie you to the scene of a crime - along with 600,000 other people.

I stopped buying Nike when they moved their manufacturing facilities out of the United States. Instead, I've burned the prints off my feet with acid and go barefoot.

Finally, in a perfectly ingenious plan, a school in Philadelphia gave children laptops with webcams. They neglected to tell the kids and their parents that they could turn on the cameras and spy on the kids at any time. The story only broke when a principal told a student he was "doing something wrong at home." You'll be thankful to know there were no reports of the boy going blind.

Let's forget this foolishness of "One Laptop Per Child," shall we? Let's get "One Laptop Per Delinquent." We'll see crime go down to zero in no time.

Portland gets tough on crime Part II

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:46:00 +0000

In my previous post, I outlined some of the travails of pdx officer Chris Humphreys and his escapades keeping the citizens of Portland in line.

I want to stress how calls for his suspension are utterly unrealistic and part of a larger liberal conspiracy. The Portland Police are, in fact, protecting us from depravity and dereliction.

This is a particularly dangerous time in the city of Portland. I need the help of the iron hand of the popo to maintain order.

Here are a few examples of the troubles that face our city and how the police have lent me a hand:

At the end of January, someone attempted to start a fire in City Hall with a bagel. Luckily, the building was evacuated and there were no injuries.

Back in December, while police broke up a fight among the homeless, an officer's police car was stolen. This was the second police car robbery that month.

In January, while witnessing a man immolate himself, a Portland police officer sought to extinguish the man. She used pepper spray instead of a fire extinguisher. Chief of Police Rosie Sizer defended the officer saying, "...in many ways, her acts were heroic." I'd have to agreee.

Walking the street in areas with gang activity is usually cause for suspicion. Sometimes the police need to randomly pat people down, slam them on the ground and put their knees on their back, especially to 130 pound cigar-smoking women.

Everybody, especially despondent, suicidal men such as Aaron Campbell, must always follow police instructions. If not, they are fair game. Yes, he had just lost his brother earlier in the day. Yes, the police were informed that he could be armed. Police believed he was reaching toward his waist as they shot him in the back with a rifle on January 29th after being called to the scene.

Now, dear readers, you may be thinking, "I've seen 'Law & Order.' After the detectives fire their weapons, the suspect goes down, the police rush over, sigh, then - visibly upset that they've injured or killed somebody, yell in their radios, 'I need a bus! Stat!'"

Things work a little differently up here, you see. Because, as the grand jury found, when they cleared the officers of any wrongdoing of killing Campbell, it took another 36 minutes before they checked to see how he was doing. I dunno, maybe they had to make a coffee run. Maybe there was another, more pressing criminal act to take care of. Maybe they were all out of that yellow police tape.

So you see, my friends, being a crimefighter in Portland is not for the weak. It takes a strong constitution.

Portland gets tough on crime Part I

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 02:36:00 +0000

As a crimefighter, I know it can be difficult to patrol the mean streets of a major metropolis like Portland, Oregon.

Luckily, the thin blue line is out, protecting us daily from the menaces2society. And not just from the criminals, gangs and violence, but also from 12 year-olds, the mentally ill, college students and people on fire.

Now, you may complain. You may cry police abuse. But I ask you, "Don't you want a safer town?" A town that is ruled with an iron fist is safe. Spare the rod and spoil the child my mother used to say and I turned out OK - even, earning a Ph.D. as you can tell from my fancy hat.

I submit the first of a two part post highlighting some high profile cases while juxtaposing the preposterous claims of police abuse as proof that we, your humble public servants, are only doing our best to serve and protect the public from ne'er do wells.

Don't piss on me
Urination and mental illness should never be tolerated. Which is why two Portland Police Officers and one Multnomah County Sherrif's Deputy tackled, tasered and beat James Chasse in September 2006 leading to his mysterious death. Instead of taking him to a hospital, they let the ambulance go, and tried to book him first. It's important to lock these people up before there's more street urination. Rabble rousing citizens decided to file complaints of undue police force. Luckily a grand jury convened at the time, cleared all of the officers involved, including Chris Humphreys, of any wrongdoing.

Now, I particularly feel for Officer Humphreys. He was so confused over the James Chasse death that he changed his story three days after the incident. Speaking personally, this is perfectly normal. I change my stories more frequently than Michelle Duggar changes diapers.

Things had been dormant since 2006 as the populace had understood that law and order reigned. Things became a little bumpy last year, however (giving yours truly an opportunity to break into the freelance market).

But it's been coming fast and furious now from our Police Chief Rosie Sizer and gang.

Don't ride on me
On November 14, 2009, Portland Police were called to break up a party of 75-100 teens. Apparently, police have no problem breaking up large groups of partying teens. Controlling one teen is another thing altogether. One of these revelers, a 12 year-old girl, tried to get on the Tri-Met (the light rail system). The girl had previously been banned from riding the Tri-Met, so the officers took her off the train and proceeded to handcuff her. When the 150 lb, 12 year-old became aggressive, three officers were unable to restrain her without resorting to shooting her in the thigh with a high powered bean bag gun. What was the name of the officer who shot her? Chris Humphreys. Yes, the same officer involved in the death of James Chasse three years earlier (who was also named in a 2003 lawsuit and, as of 2006, was tied at #2 for most Use of Force incidents among the Portland Police). The girl was only bruised, and was taken away to be prosecuted for resisting arrest. You can see a video of incident below.

When poor, stressed out Officer Humphreys was suspended following this incident, hundreds of his brothers in blue did the only right thing and took to the streets and protested. Unfortunately, I was out of town and couldn't show my support.

They were unable to get a permit for their protest. It was peaceful, though, and there were no arrests (Who would have arrested them, I wonder?).

As it turns out, Officer Humphreys had already filed a stress-related disability claim - I'm the first to tell you that all that shooting and beating can make anybody anxious. I recommend a daily cup of St. John's Wort tea. It has changed my life.

Next Post: Part II - Feeling despondent, suicidal? Don't call a suicide line, the Portland Popo are here to help!
Is this a fire extinguisher or pepper spray? Car 54 where are you? Do you have a cigar in your mouth or are you just happy to see me? So many possible titles for the next post, so little headline space. See you next time.

My lonely fight against a hateful, devil worshipping, racist and violent community

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 21:04:00 +0000

Update - Feb 12, 2009: She's baaaaack! Luckily, Tila's found an angel inside to let her continue the online battle.

Yes, you heard it here first. In a sure sign the apocalypse is nigh, Tia Tequila has quit Twitter.

I was wondering why I wasn't receiving my daily shot of wit and wisdom from that Internet Star, Queen of all Media, Tia Tequila, so I browse over to her Twitter feed, only to find that the page "Doesn't Exist."

Being the true fan that I am, I know where to find her. But this is troubling. She accuses the Twitter community of the most vile transgressions. Could this be a vast, right wing conspiracy taking hold merely days after Obama's first real tweet?

Yes, she'll blame it over the dust up that ensued after she announced the death of her fiancée, Casey Johnson, via Twitter. Things got really weird when she tweeted to her beyond the grave. I can't say as I blame Tia. For a shot at love with her, I'm asking you, my dear readers, to bury me with this blog, my cell phone and my mortar board, so that I can keep her informed of my feats of derring-do on the other side.

As of this posting, Tia's Twitternemesis, Perez Hilton, had not yet responded to her self-imposed exile from the twitterverse.

In an unrelated death, William Shatner sent his condolences to the family of Justin Mentell, his Boston Legal costar, via Twitter. Why call or send a card when 140 characters is sufficient to convey how much somebody meant to you?

Now Shatner's tweet was written impeccably, so I don't know why his fellow Canadians think that Twitter is cause for alarm in the education of their youth.

Friends, I promise not to send condolences in my tweets. However, if I pass on from this world, please send me the occasional @message and follow my tweets. I promise to watch over you.

2010: A Face Odyssey

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 04:43:00 +0000

The new decade has brought many great things here at the Plasticave. First, it seems I have a temporary reprieve from the loggers who wanted to clear cut the forest around these parts.

Second, my friend Sasqui, who had been using my bandwith, decided to commit social media suicide. Normally I would not applaud this sort of behavior. But, he had already visited several doctors and had been diagnosed with an incurable Web 2.0 addiction. Sasqui was doing more than his fair share of those daily eight million minutes of Facebook. Euthanasia was painless, noble and just.

He turned to the Kervorkian-like SuicideMachine just before Facebook blocked their IP address. Had he not, he would be updating his status in a cyber-induced agony still. Instead, he is out running in the forest, scaring campers, drinking beer and learning how to crochet (OK, so I made that one up. Actually, he's just drinking a lot of beer).

And I am considering moving to Prineville, where Facebook will be opening a data center. Yes, my social media nemesis has come to Oregon.

Twenty-ten (Two thousand ten?) is looking good.

Going legit, not rogue

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Despite the apparent uptick in the economy, there's been no change for your humble servant.

Yes, the Wall Street Journal claims that there was a 0.5% increase in Black Friday sales. But not for me.

Beans and rice are my daily meal. Another few weeks and I will have to give up beans. So, I will be taking the advice of my financial consultant and studying for my private investigator's license. I have some cramming to do before next Saturday.

I am going legit.

I'm hoping to avoid selling the Plasticave to a developer who wants to build a mountain resort and casino.

I will give you a report in another week. I will not be able to safeguard the streets and keep a watch on the evildoers, meanwhile.

Until then, please be safe.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the Internet!

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:00:00 +0000

After my last post, I began thinking about the importance of the internet. I rarely leave the Plasticave without first stealing the neighbor's wifi surfing around.

For example, as I travel around Oregon, I use Wikipedia to research some of the areas I visit to surveil suspects.

Once, while undercover, I tailed a criminal from the bustling metropolis of Greenhorn to Portland's urban Mills End Park. According to Wikipedia, mayor Frances Villwock wields the gavel over Greenhorn's population of two. And while Mills End Park's 452 square inches did not make surveillance a challenge, it was good to be prepared.

Craigslist has become an invaluable resource. Plastigirl and I met when I saved her from some dastardly deeds and she was immediately attracted to my bulging muscles. However, if you are looking to make a romantic connection, you may want to be direct and place an ad like this young, Asheville man who advertised "Take advantage of my new lower standards."

Need some furniture? Where else can you pick up a chair that Ralph Nader possibly sat in?

You can also be entrepreneurial and advertise such services as dead body burials in your back yard.

Amazon is a great resource because of the many user reviews. Being a man of science, I recently needed to purchase Gupta's Chemical Shifts and Coupling Constants for Silicon-29. But before I spent the $7,600 (ships for free with Super Saver Shipping), I decided to read the reviews on Amazon first. I'm glad I did because it confirmed all of the good things I'd been hearing about it.

I was indecisive about what type of pens to buy. I finally went with Bic because of the four star Amazon review here.

Of course, the GM of the internet era, Google, is ever so helpful. Don't speak English? That's OK, because Google's homepage is available in dozens of languages including Klingon.

If you are feeling lost, looking for the meaning of life, try searching Google for the "answer to life, the universe and everything." You'll find it.

Finally, direct your browse on over to the last page of the internet: www.wwwdotcom.com

Piracy out, Internet out

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:01:00 +0000

In a previous post, I advocated for changing the official language of the State of Oregon to Pirate. Some may have believed that I, in fact, was advocating piracy. However, I am nothing, if not a tireless crusader for justice and property rights.

Piracy is a dangerous business. If you are a pirate you risk getting your Xbox banned by Microsoft, you might get some really nasty tweets by the Zombieland director, or - perhaps worst of all, you might have to dance for a money-troubled Nicholas Cage in a Somali jail.

Thankfully, your government is looking out for you!

ComputerWorld has an article about the Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement (ACTA) which is currently being negotiated among several future signatories, including: Australia, Canada, the European Community, South Korea, Singapore and the United States. This treaty will radically change how intellectual property is treated in its member states according to leaked documents analyzed by the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

Though the terms are still murky, you will soon have help to avoid piracy in several ways.

First, border agents will be allowed to search your ipod, cell phone and laptop, confiscating and destroying them should they find illegally ripped and downloaded music or video. I know, this will help me rid my many devices of pirate music. I can never remember which music on my ipod I actually own and which is from cd's I checked out at the library.

Other provisions discussed include required filtering by your Internet Service Provider (ISP) and mandatory termination of your internet if you are accused (not convicted) of piracy. Three strikes and you are off the internet. Need to pay your bills online? File your taxes? Read the news? Sorry, because the recording industry has accused you of downloading Lady Gaga.

The precise terms of the treaty are still being worked out. You can breathe easy, piracy is on its way out.

Will work for goats and chickens

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:00:00 +0000

To supplement my crimefighting income, I placed an ad on Craigslist offering my services as a personal, academic tutor. My Ph. D. enables me to give lessons in a variety of subjects.

The results have not been fruitful. It seems that either the people of the state of Oregon have no need for academic growth or cannot afford my meager fee. However, the ad has attracted a fair number of scam artists.

Below I have transcribed the interchange of e-mails between yours truly and Austine, one such scam artist. I attempted to trace his IP address but Austine was able to cover his tracks.

I have edited these emails only where absolutely necessary to achieve clarity. Believe me, I couldn't make this stuff up.

Subject: PRAVITE LESSON
Hello,
I am Austine by name,i want to make an enquiry for my son who is coming for the (LESSONS)in order to develop skills,His name is Johnson,13 years.I want him to be busy in holiday.
I have decided to let him attend your lesson for 1 hours in a day-very day or time that you will be chance.i want you to calculate the cost of 1 hours each day for Mon,Wed & Fri for the whole 1 Month and send me the total cost,i will be paying you with Certified check ,so get back to me with your cost. I have nanny always drive him down to your house or lesson venue. Kindly get back to me with
(1).YOUR CHARGE FOR 1 HOUR.
(2).TOTAL CHARGES FOR 1 MONTH THAT HE WILL BE TAUGHT
(3).TIMES PER WEEK.3. FULL NAME AND ADDRESS WITH ZIPCODE.
(4.)YOUR PHONE NUMBER.Don't hesitate to e-mail with your total charges.
Thanks and looking to read from you soon.
With Best Regards.
Austine .

Dearest Austine,

Thanks so much for your quick enquiry and your lovely, interesting spelling.

I was so glad to hear that you need a tutor for your son, Johnson.

Now if your son will be coming on a holiday and staying with Nanny that is a different matter altogether, because I know Nanny, we went to high school together and believe me, I wouldn't trust her with my son.

I'm sorry to say I won't be able to tutor your son, the young Master Johnson. I'm sure he is of good humor. But when I found out Nanny was back in town, installed in an apartment, I rushed over to her love nest for an all night f*** fest and I'm just too worn out for any tutoring. I probably won't be fully recovered until the first of the year.

However, I will call you and give you all of my information including my charges and my address and phone number. Please send me your phone number and I will call you immediately. Normally I prefer to discuss these matters in person, but since you are too kind, I will let you know that my hourly charge is three million rubles. You can send me a cashiers' check or pay me in goats.

You are too kind. Cheerio.
-Plasty

Hello.
Thanks for the mail. Well the price is okey by me. Do email me with your full name,addres and tell phone. I ll like my son t start the lesson by next 2 week. Hope to read m you.
Thanks

Dearest Austine,

I'm so glad to hear the price is okey by you. Since you have been so kind in your e-mails and have such elegance in your orthography, I'm going to offer you a discount. I'm only going to charge you one million rubles, two goats and a chicken.

Now, I want to begin preparing materials immediately so your son can begin next 2 week. His lesson will be in crimefighting and masculine arts, correct? Please confirm so I can send you information.

*****

Sadly, Austine has yet to respond to my last message.

Wish I were a Twitterati

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:02:00 +0000

I've been down on Twitter, lately.

I thought Twitter had potential to be a tool for good. The governor could beam me an @reply into the cold, stormy, Oregon sky, calling me when the state was in trouble. A damsel in distress could DM me and I would come running. My legions of fans would RT my tweets. The twitterati would bit.ly my URL's.

Alas, it has not come to pass. Forty percent of tweets are, in fact, pure drivel.

Most people don't even tweet more than a once - ever. The good news is, if you were hoodwinked into following some of these losers - as I have been, you can use unTweeps.com to find out who they are and unfollow them.

@APlusK, AKA Ashton Kutcher, is approaching four million followers. His wifey, @mrskutcher, is forever ensconced in our collectively tweeted memory in her bikini.

Fame and fortune can come to us lesser folk, too. @shitmydadsays just inked a TV deal.

No TV deal for @plasticgraduate. I'm still trying to get up to 80 followers including pornbots.

My lowly status as the 515,914th twitterer is only slightly ameliorated by my Number One status here at the Plasticave. Luckily, Plastigirl isn't tweeting, yet.

Back to toiling in obscurity...

Please come from the future to rescue this post

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:10:00 +0000

It's been a busy week here at the Plasticave.

I've found it necessary to be in two places at the same time. After much googling, science gave me the answer.

As you may know, work on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) was stymied by a baguette. I thought it could be Al Qaeda again, or a terrorist pigeon. But upon further investigation, a more interesting theory formed. Could this be the work of some future particle?

Earlier, two researchers hypothesized that the LHC's problems are caused by its future, that the subject of the current research, the Higgs boson, is so terrible, it comes back from the future to avoid being discovered.

Now, I am no quantum mechanic. However, as I mentioned in a previous post, I keep up with various institutions, including Interpol, The American Journal of Paranormal Sciences and the Cryptozoology Museum. I have a Ph.D. from a University in the Carribean and I have an evil, maniacal laugh.

But these articles are a difficult slog.

So instead of reading them all the way through, I decided to read Flash Forward, by Robert Sawyer, a book about the collider, in which the LHC experiment causes people to lose consciousness and see years into their future.

But the book was kind of long, so I instead I began watching the TV show on Hulu. People only see six months into the future on the show so I figured I didn't have long to wait to find out.

But, why wait? Instead, I just told my future self to watch the DVDs of the TV show, and that way, when the LHC begins operation in December and if I really do see my future, I'll already know the end.

Right?

A dog a day keeps global warming away

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 19:28:00 +0000

Lately, I've been reading my good friend, Hari Batti's, blog. Even though I'm not convinced about this global warming thing, I do believe in fashion. So, I have decided to try environmentalism.

I began doing a little research and it seems that vegetarians have a smaller carbon footprint than us omnivores. But, one of my few respites from crimefighting are the summer barbecues with the plastifamily. I don't think grilling eggplant and zucchini on a hibachi would prove my manliness and virility in this dog-eat-dog world.

That got me thinking about Pete, my faithful Bull Terrier, who travels with me everywhere. A benefit of living in Oregon is that dogs are loved by all and allowed in every establishment. Now, if you are a chardonnay-sipping elitist who reads the New York Times you wouldn't understand our love for man's best friend.

But in the name of environmentalism, I think it's time to re-evaluate Pete's existence.

First, Pete poops a lot. Too much, in fact. Apparently, he's not alone. American dogs and cats excrete 10 million tons of guano each year. (Insert your own "We're Number Two" joke here). Let's face it, the whole composting thing is too much work.

I'm afraid that I only have one option that will ~~meat~~ meet all of my needs: we are going to barbecue Pete.

Now this tact is backed up by science. I just finished reading a new book: Time to Eat the Dog: The real guide to sustainable living. The impact of having a large pet dog is the same as driving a large car. So I've decided to keep the Plastimobile and eat Pete.

Well, maybe I won't start with Pete. First I'll cruise the neighborhood looking for other animals.

Nutritious? I've done my research. Wikipedia lists the nutritional value of dog meat.

After all, I have to make sure I'm eating a balanced diet.

Spooky happenings at the Plasticave

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:00:00 +0000

When I read the headline "850 Mostly Blind, Pale Creatures Discovered Underground" I thought perhaps the Oregon Legislators had come trick-or-treating to the Plasticave.

But apparently, it was just an article about some animals or something. It got me thinking, though, that I should start preparing for Halloween. So I began to surf around the internet as I am wont to do looking for ideas.

Even though our only visitor to the Plasticave is Sasqui, we still like to decorate. We drink cider, bob for apples and scare campers away.

First step: get a jack-o-lantern, as I am better with a gun than with a knife, the whole carving of the pumpkin is beyond me, so if I could buy the pumpkin with the face grown into it, that would save me tons of time and the plastikids would be amazed at my technique.

When it comes to a costume I'm still undecided. Though, I know what won't work if I go to Ashland. Unfortunately, the mayor has decided to reverse his earlier decision and place a ban on nudity near schools. I suppose if I limit my trick-or-treating to areas far from schools I could go in the buff.

Finally what to place next to that jack-o-lantern? A neigbor of mine has built a fake cemetery in their front yard. I can do better. I'm going to get a real corpse like they do in Los Angeles, now that's scary!

Happy Halloween!

Socialist government healthcare plan offers free proctology exams

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:59:00 +0000

Dear reader,

Your humble, dedicated servant, the plasticgraduate has had the most humiliating experience on a recent flight.

I was called to help a young woman in distress and once again the plastimobile was in the shop. (Note to self: next time when somebody says to buy a car with a horse on it, get a Mustang, not a Pinto.)

So, I took a flight on a reputable airline. As part of my crime monitoring duties, I religiously read the TSA blog and follow the FBI Twitterfeed (Don't be fooled by these hooligans) so I consider myself aware of security and terrorism threats. I dutifully placed all my liquids in little bottles in little ziploc bags. My crimefighting gear was mailed ahead of me and waiting at the hotel. All was good.

I proceeded to the gate and went to go through the security screening. I removed my shoes, put them in a bin and walked through the metal detector. Because of the risk of fungal infection, I applied Purell to my feet after passing through the detector but was pulled for a secondary inspection.

My heart was racing. Had my true identity been discovered? Did they find my cape and tights in my carry-on and have questions?

No, apparently I was pulled for a TSA rectal exam because of the Saudi ass bomber. And, no, for those of you snickering, this was not pleasant.

Back in the day, I could have been arrested for paying for this service.

Now it just feels like the TSA is a cheap date. I literally did this for peanuts. I didn't even get dinner or a movie.

Education stays at the forefront of technology in Oregon

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 06:13:00 +0000

After urging young people to stay in school it was pointed out to me that Oregon is at the forefront of educational reform. It's truly an amazing feat considering that the state ranks 49th in class size.

I was reminded of how our schools are preparing young people for the 21st century when I went to the post office the other day (mail delivery to the Plasticave is spotty, so I opt for a PO Box) and found a notice that there would be shorter hours at my branch. This was all part of USPS modernization and cost reduction efforts because of the 2.8 billion dollar deficit last year.

Now, over in McMinnville, Oregon, they've decided to recreate a post office to teach kids about writing letters and getting mail. Kids can send and receive missives by addressing their letters and placing them in the mail box. This is a revolutionary in an era when people spend 68 hours on the internet every month, including five and a half hours on Facebook.

It's important that young folks learn these skills: mail delivery is clearly a growth industry. The good folks around here are mighty proud that we're teaching some of our youngins to grow up to be postal workers.

Instead of a fake post office, they could have a fake, drug-dealing school bus like they do in Laredo, Texas.

I hope they're teaching these kids about going postal.

Fight to stay in school! It's educational

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:24:00 +0000

Ever since I ~~bought~~ got my Ph.D., people have asked me, "Plasticgraduate, how did you get so smart?"

But it's not intelligence, grasshopper. It's hard work and dedication that made me the incredible person who writes before you.

Whenever I have one of my many motivational speaking engagements at local public schools across this great state (all at a reasonable fee, including per diem), I tell kids, "Stay in school. Do your best! Don't get drunker than your teachers.

But, alas, it pains me to read the news of late and see that some students and teachers are being denied entry to school simply because they want to have guns and defend themselves. Thou shalt carry a firearm: it's called the second commandment, people!

Let's be honest. Schools can be dangerous places and they can be made safer by teaching students weaponry. Recess is full of uncertainty. Six-year olds armed with Swiss Army knives can protect themselves and others from harm and cheaters at kickball.

However, what kind of country do we live in? An unpatriotic 10 year-old can refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance but can't tell a substitute to "jump off a bridge" without fear of retribution?

The terrorists have already won.

The Vanity internet smackdown: Google vs. Bing

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:21:00 +0000

I have been accused many times of being a yahoo, or a yokel, in my lifetime, and have placed many yokels in the 'bing,' but my research shows I can always count on Googol, even if I can't count past thirty. No, math isn't my strong suit.

So, I decided to do the ole vanity Google search for myself and see what I found, but I wanted to expand my horizons, and give Microsoft a chance, with their newfangled search engine, Bing. But, being short on time as I had a call on the radio about an assault in progress, I though it best to combine the Bing and Google searches in one, using Bingle, a website that compares the results of the king of searches with the pretender.

First, I searched for 'plasticgraduate.' Google was the clear winner. I was nowhere to be seen in Bing's results. So I began searching for friends and family members. I started with Sasqui and was disturbed to see a grainy video someone captured of him walking in the forest. Frightening:

But even more disconcerting, were the various images of other women posing as Plastigirl.

While she does play pool, and even wears a striking, black vinyl suit when we go out on the town, I assure you, she does not get on the table, even after a few beers.

And while I cannot reveal her maiden name, she changed it to Plastigirl once we began living in sin. She is not Plastigirl, however, as the result of surgery.

Finally, she is not bionic. But she does know how to boogie:

Arrrgh! Landlubber tongue remains official state language

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:45:00 +0000

It has been one week since my bottle message to Representative Kevin Cameron (R-19) of the State Legislature to request that Pirate be made an official state language. I have yet to receive a reply. I fear that my hard, thankless work for the state of Oregon is once again unnoticed. Such is the life of a masked crusader.

Below is the e-mail sent to Mr. Cameron. Feel free to e-mail him or his staff. (rep.kevincameron@state.or.us)

Representative Cameron,

As one of the sponsors of HB 2459 during the 2007 Regular Session of the Legislative Assembly, which sought to make English the Official Language of the Great State of Oregon, I am hoping you will sponsor a bill to make Pirate the official language of Oregon. This would honor the history of Oregon pre-Lewis & Clark as well as the diversity which we now have in our state of pirates and non pirates. As you know, September 19, is Talk Like a Pirate Day, be hopin' next voyage we be speakin' as true gentleman o' fortune.

Ahoy, Matey!

the plasticgraduate.

Still no work...crimefighting being outsourced to Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 23:44:00 +0000

Followers of my travails will recall my search for gainful employment.

Here in the Hard-Case State, we remain stuck at the fourth highest unemployment rate in the nation. Even the Employment Department cannot handle the flood of people, asking citizens not to call on Monday because of problems in their computer system. Perhaps instead of crimefighting I should have studied computer science.

Should you fear that yours truly would be taking a break from his crime stopping activities on October 16 for one of the furlough Fridays that the state has scheduled, never fear - I will not hesitate nor equivocate when it comes to rooting out evil.

Meanwhile, technology has come to the rescue to help folks fight corruption and face down lawlessness. As I mentioned in a previous post, it now appears that, at least when it comes to criminals, Facebook is making us dumber. The crack carabinieri of Italy, arrested a man who checked Facebook during a robbery and left his account open. Hey, but that wasn't the first time. if you were stealing diamond rings, wouldn't you stop to update your status first?

So, dear friends. Need help? Let me know. Comment. E-mail me. Friend me on Facebook. Or, simply write a message on your Facebook wall. I'll come running.

Yer nothin' but an English speakin' cur!

noreply@blogger.com (pg) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 01:07:00 +0000

September 19, International Talk Like a Pirate Day, came and went at the Plasticave without much notice. In fact, throughout the great state of Oregon it went largely unnoticed as most people went about their daily life. So when September 30, International Translation Day, came, I knew it was time to expand my linguistic horizons.

Now, as it turns out, my neighbor, Sasqui, was a supporter of the (failed) 2007 HB 2459, which would have made English Oregon's official language, and allowed state government to provide information only in English. Sasqui always says, "If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me."

But through the magic of Markie Mark Zuckerberg and his Facebooks, we can now exhibit our multilingualism in the privacy of our own homes. Because not only is Facebook now available in languages as exotic as Euskadi, Bosnian and a bunch of languages with curlicues, but also in Esperanto, Latin and Pirate.

I will be contacting one of our lawmakers to get Pirate named as an official state language. I will keep you apprised of the results in a future bottle message.