When our son Stephen was about to begin kindergarten, he worried about not knowing anyone in his new class. No one from his preschool was attending his school, and he assumed it would be hard to make friends.

We did a number of things to help our rising kindergartner become more comfortable with the school building, but we also talked to him about noticing and being kind to others in his new class. We reminded him that he wouldn’t be the only kid who was nervous on the first days of school.

We came up with compliments Stephen could give other kids as a way to begin connecting, such as, “I like your lunchbox.” Encouraging Stephen to notice how others in class were doing had the unintended effect of taking his focus off his own worries. A lucky parenting win for us!

After his first day of school, Stephen told us about a boy named Jeffrey who sometimes started yelling in the middle of class. When we asked more about this, it seemed that Jeffrey might not be neurotypical, and was having a hard time adjusting to school. Stephen said he didn’t mind the screaming too much.

“I’m kind of used to it since Annie screams a lot too.” Annie was Stephen’s one-year-old sister who was indeed quite a screamer at the time.

Settling Into Kindergarten

Over time Stephen settled into kindergarten, and we didn’t hear as much about Jeffrey. In our first parent/teacher conference, Stephen’s teacher said he was quite a help with Jeffrey who she mentioned had autism.

Stephen’s teacher told us that he was a calm presence when Jeffrey was stressed and beginning to scream. One day Stephen had been at Jeffrey’s table when this happened and spoke a few words to Jeffrey during his outburst. This seemed to help, and since Stephen wasn’t particularly distracted by Jeffrey, from that day on the teacher placed him at Jeffrey’s table. Stephen was fine with this seating arrangement, and rarely mentioned it to us. As parents we appreciated that this situation was helping Stephen practice being compassionate.

As the Years Went On

The years went on and we noticed that Jeffrey was often in Stephen’s grade school class. But there were many other ups and downs to focus on, so we didn’t talk a lot about Jeffrey except to hear that he was doing better each year. When Stephen was in 4th grade, the school counselor casually mentioned that each year they made sure Stephen was in class with Jeffrey since he continued to be a calming influence on him.

I was reminded of Stephen’s relationship with Jeffrey when I recently read Social Justice Parenting: How to Raise Compassionate, Anti-Racist, Justice-Minded Kids in an Unjust World, by Dr. Traci Baxley.

Baxley is a professor, parenting coach, and mother of five. She is also a Black woman married to a white man who writes about this experience in the context of parenting. Stephen and Jeffrey’s interactions struck me as similar to those described in Baxley’s book. Jeffrey is Latino and adopted, as well as neurodivergent.

Teaching Children to Give Back

One of the social justice parenting principles in Baxley’s home is:

“Always give back. …I want my children to know we have a lot, which means that we have the opportunity to give a lot. This rule teaches compassion (thinking of others) and kindness (recognizing our privilege and doing something about it) and makes social justice engagement a part of their lives.”

Social Justice Parenting is inspirational and aspirational. Baxley understands that we want what’s best for our children, but states that in order to make the world a better place, we need to want (and take action toward) what’s best for ALL children. A major theme of the book is teaching kids to be allies.

Teaching Kids to Be Allies

In Baxley’s view allyship is “the act of decentering yourself in order to make space for others who are different from you, those who are at that moment marginalized…It is using your power and unearned privileges to act with and for others in pursuit of ending oppression and racism and creating equity.” She gives many suggestions for teaching children how to be allies.

Don’t Avoid Hard Topics with Children

Baxley encourages parents not to shy away from hard topics with children. We should talk with kids in an age-appropriate way, but we must not put off talking to them about hard things “until they are older.” Kids as young as 3 are aware of different skin colors.

Stephen and I had discussed Jeffrey’s struggles in the classroom, such as the fact that his brain was much more sensitive to loud noises than Stephen’s, and how other students could help with this. This was an easier conversation than some because we lived across the street from a group home where adults with autism lived, so Stephen already knew others with issues similar to Jeffrey’s.

Teaching Children the Concept of Privilege

Baxley writes that anti-racist kids understand the impact of privilege on their lives and the lives of others. But she acknowledges that privilege is “often weaponized in conversations about race in the media, and used to provoke guilt, anger, and defensiveness—which ultimately further divides people.”

The book offers a list of different areas within which people are privileged, as a reminder that we may have privilege in one area but not another. These domains are a good starting point for talking about privilege with children.

• Gender
• Race
• Class
• Nationality
• Ethnicity
• Sexual Orientation or Gender Identity
• Religion
• Physical Ability
• Age
• Language Spoken
• Brain Differences (Neurotypical vs. Neurodivergent)

A Lot for Parents to Take In

It can be overwhelming to think about teaching our children about social justice. But reading Baxley’s book reminded me that we can take one step at a time. As issues arise in our children’s lives, we can connect these to social justice concepts. When an injustice takes place in our community or country, we can talk about it with our children and discuss what they can do to try to make things better. Sometimes it’s writing a letter; other times it’s attending a protest; often it’s as small as role-playing what they could say or do to be an ally in a similar situation.

Small parental comments can have a big effect. We might talk to our children about a friend whose social justice actions we respect, and tell our children we are attempting to be more like that person.

Most of Baxley’s social justice lessons come down to kindness. She offers “The Platinum Rule”—which I love and am going to appropriate—which is a step better than the Golden Rule we all know.

Treat others the way THEY want to be treated.

When I feel overwhelmed about how much social justice parenting I still have ahead of me, I am going to re-ground myself by going back to the Platinum Rule, then taking it all one step at a time.

If you liked this topic, you will find more like it in my book:

At a new low price!

photo by note thanun on Upsplash

The prospect of a nearly back-to-normal school year is the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel for most parents. What a relief to (hopefully) put remote school behind us.

Why aren’t our kids as excited as we are? How come they are more likely to react to upcoming in-person school with crankiness, anxiety, or dread?

Why the Dread?

For one thing, our kids likely haven’t been in normal school for a year and a half. A year and a half is a long time in a child’s life. It’s long enough to fully transition to the quarantined world. And because a year and a half is a larger percentage of children’s total lives, they have weaker memories of pre-pandemic life to fall back on than we adults do.

Children also have less ability to understand why the pandemic happened. Having an understanding of the pandemic gives adults faith that it will eventually end, and the ability to hold an image of life returning to normal. Kids live more in the moment, and thus fully experienced the pandemic with both feet in. It wasn’t merely a phase to them, it was their new life. Poor things.

Because of the differences in the way children and adults experienced the pandemic, kids can use some help from us to make their way onto firmer, post-Covid ground.

8 Easy Things to Do

Here are 8 ways to prepare kids for the upcoming school year they may be feeling anxious about:

1. Normalize.  Acknowledge that going back to normal school feels weird, and that it’s more of a transition than usual. Remind children of other times they have handled a big transition, such as beginning kindergarten, getting used to summer camp, or moving homes.

2.  Ask.  Ask kids what aspects of returning to school most worry them. Then help them problem-solve these. Problem-solving might include role-playing situations, or simply talking about what they will do if they begin to feel anxious at school.

3.  Do a drive by.  Take children to their school building before the first day of school. Walk inside if it’s open, or around the outside if not. Play on the playground. Remind them where the bathrooms and cafeteria are located. This close proximity to school will help kids visualize themselves there, which often assuages anxiety.

4. Work back to socializing. For some kids—especially more introverted children who spent less time with peers for the past year and a half—rebuilding and practicing social skills is in order. Start small by having one friend over to your home. Then slowly work up to a few friends in a different location, such as a park. Role playing social situations ahead of time will be especially helpful to hesitant children.

5.  School supplies.  Put some extra work into helping kids get organized for the new school year. Organization is an area some children regressed in during the chaotic pandemic school year. Kids may need continued help organizing their work during the initial month or so of classes.

6.  Allow choices.  As I discussed in my previous post, our kids are coming off a quarantine year where they were allowed few choices over their daily lives. Everyone does better when they have options. Whether it’s which backpack to buy for school, what to wear on the first day, or whether to take a foreign language class this year or next—giving kids choices will lead to more ownership and self-confidence about their school experience.

7.  Don’t overdo after-school activities.  This school year will likely take more mental and physical energy for our kids since it will feel new and different in various ways. Kids will likely expend more energy focusing on work at school and home. Give them the time they need to decompress after the school day, and factor in more time for homework each night. For these reasons, consider carefully how many after-school activities to schedule.

8.  Play. Unstructured, free play on their own or with other children is vital. Play is how kids process and move past stress. Play helps children learn and practice social and emotional skills. It increases children’s creativity and problem-solving abilities. Free play for kids of any age will help them refill the psychological resources they need for the school year ahead.

Related to play is fun. As a society we are coming off a hard, serious, heavy experience. Adding play and fun—anything that involves laughter and levity—into our family lives is an active reminder that we are slowly moving past the pandemic.

Overall, getting back to more normal lives and experiencing the structure of a regular school day will be comforting to most children. But it may take a little longer than we hoped for them to settle into the coming school year.

___________

If you liked this, check out my book for more.

Photo by Atoms on Unsplash

My friend Sadie’s daughter Jade just finished 6th grade—her first year of middle school. Not great timing to start middle school during a pandemic, but such was life.

Sadie said quarantine life was harder on her extroverted daughter than on her more introverted, younger son. Jade missed seeing her friends. Online school was no fun, and all her after-school activities came to a screeching halt in March of 2020.

But this summer things are finally opening back up in our community. Sadie told me she was pretty desperate to plug Jade back into her activities—art class, karate, and children’s theater. She filled out the plethora of online forms as quickly as she could.

Jade’s summer life was soon busier than it had been in over a year. But rather than the energized, upbeat child Sadie had seen pre-Covid, Jade was tired and cranky. On a particularly rough evening, Sadie and Jade were bickering about washing Jade’s karate gear before her next class, when Sadie found herself demanding, “Don’t you even appreciate that you can finally get back out and do things? You’ve wanted this all year!”

Jade yelled back, “ You didn’t even ask me if I wanted to do these things! You just signed me up.”

“Because I didn’t want to miss the deadlines,” Sadie explained wearily.

“That’s not the point. You never even asked me,” her daughter retorted.

Our Kids are Still Recovering from the Mental Exhaustion of Quarantine Life

As mother and daughter went back and forth, Sadie began to realize she should have asked Jade the “big picture” question of what she needed from this summer, after the long year of pandemic schooling. Jade had experienced 6th grade initially online, then in an unpredictable hybrid format, and was still mentally exhausted from the chaotic experience.

Sadie had thought getting back to normal would help, but three activities seemed to be too much for Jade, even with friends in each. Jade told her mom she wanted to quit theater—not forever, just for now. Sadie was disappointed to lose some money in this scenario, but could see how vital this change was to her daughter. She let Jade quit theater, and soon Jade’s mood and energy level improved.

During Quarantine Kids Had Little Control Over Their Lives

As I considered Jade’s Covid-19 school year experience, which was similar to that of my own kids, I was reminded that children had very little control over their daily schedules during the pandemic. Initially they were abruptly told, “No more in-person school as of tomorrow.” Then in the next few days, they were informed they couldn’t see their friends or continue their activities, owing to quarantine protocols.

Even we adults had a little more control over our lives during the pandemic. We could at least decide which walk our family should take, where to ride our bikes that day, or where we would buy our food. Our kids, not so much.

So, as our families slowly move out of quarantine life, Jade reminds us that we should give our kids back as much control over their lives as possible.

Let Children Make As Many Choices As You Can

We can begin by talking to kids about their hopes and needs for this summer. Then let them make as many personal and family choices as we can—after a year without choice. Most kids experienced some regression as they dealt with the long-term stress of the pandemic. Ten year-olds may have seemed more like eight year-olds again in social and emotional abilities such as frustration tolerance and communication.

As life is moving back to normal, our kids need some space to mentally catch up to their regular developmental levels. This will take time, and each child’s needs will be different. For some, a structured, predictable day camp with friends will help this summer. Other kids will need to build back up to a full social schedule more slowly, having perhaps lost some of the social skills they previously had. Take small steps toward social events with these kids. Helping our children notice which summer activities seem most rejuvenating is a useful conversation to have with them.

Parents Need Some Patience

The last thing we parents want to do after almost a year and a half of quarantine life is to be patient. But being patient as our kids build back their social and emotional capacities worn down by pandemic stressors is what our children need from us.

Putting kids in the driver’s seat to make as many choices about their lives as is age appropriate this summer and next school year should increase their self-competence and confidence—things we all could use more of after this past year.

I’m giving away free copies of my recent book on Kindle from July 16-July 20, 2021! Go to Amazon and order one!

Free eBook promotion!

What if you could make a New Year’s resolution this year that was equivalent to the happiness bump you’d get from a $2,200 raise—without changing any behaviors at all? Read on, my friend.

One opportunity the coronavirus pandemic has offered is a new lens through which to view our lives. Living through periods of lockdown has stripped away the majority of our activities, offering a unique chance to notice which ones we truly miss and which we can live without.

The pandemic has removed many of our noisy daily distractions and deposited us in a less-rushed space where we can’t help but look inward. Being surrounded by sickness and death—or experiencing the virus ourselves as our whole family did—forces us to consider our life priorities. What if the virus takes me or a relative? Is there anything I need to do with or say to a loved-one now rather than later?

The reminders of our mortality can also shine a light on how we choose to live our daily lives—leading many of us to switch our mindsets from the money we make to the time we have.

Time Poverty

In Time Smart: How to Reclaim Your Time and Live a Happier Life, Ashley Whillans defines the term “time poverty” as the feeling of having too many things to do and not enough time in the day to do them. Eighty percent of working Americans report feeling time-poor. A large portion of children and teens do as well—kids who are so busy with structured activities that they have no downtime to simply daydream, or fiddle with a guitar or legos.

Whillans’ research suggests that the emotional impact of being time-poor can be greater than the emotional impact of being unemployed.

Focus on Time Over Money

Years ago I came across the term “time wealth” in Plenitude by Juliet Schor and latched strongly on to this concept. To achieve time wealth, we must notice the ways we experience our choices.

We must ask ourselves such questions as:

• When I began my job I didn’t mind the commute, but this past year I notice it’s really drained me. Now that I work from home, I’m not sure I can go back to it. What are my options?

• I love that my daughter is so involved in music. But now she is asking to play a new instrument after already playing one, as well as taking voice lessons. Is this too much for her? For me?

• I notice I’ve gotten closer to my young kids during the pandemic. I feel like I know them better than I did—even though being trapped at home with them isn’t always fun. How can I retain the positive aspects of our “pandemic lifestyle” after things return to normal?

Memory Dividends

Bill Perkins describes another aspect of time wealth in Die with Zero. In general, the book helps people become more deliberate in their financial choices over their lifetimes. But one premise of Die with Zero is the importance of the memories we create during our lives. Perkins’ view is that in later years we “retire on our memories.” When it becomes harder for us to be active and create new memories, we “look back on the memories we have with pride, joy, and the bittersweet feeling of nostalgia.” Since Perkins writes with a financial focus, he calls this the “memory dividend” highlighting the fact that our memories give something back each time we revisit them.

This memory dividend isn’t merely generated from great vacations or athletic feats; it’s also built on time with one’s children or older parents. Perkins emphasizes that these are connections we make at times we won’t have access to again. Having spent time with a young child, or an older relative, is something that years later we can’t repeat. Even completing certain physical challenges during our younger years is often something we can no longer achieve and enjoy in an older person’s body.

One of the few gifts the pandemic has brought us, if we choose to use it, is clarity. How do we want to spend our time going forward? What can we live without? What is enough?

“Time Over Money” Concepts for Children

Talk to your kids and teens about how time factors into their decisions. If your teen wants to take a part-time job located 30 minutes across town, discuss whether the one hour commute will be worth it. How much weekly time will the commute eat up? What else could your teen be doing during those hours? Is the job worth this trade-off?

In my book Sweet Spots: Helping Your Kids Find ENOUGH in Their Lives, there’s a section with five points to consider when your child is deciding whether it’s time to quit an activity or pursuit.

Here’s a quick summary:

• Duration: Has your child followed the full arc of the experience?
• Mood: Does you child consistently have more bad days than good in this activity?
• Change: Has a requirement for the activity recently changed?
• Time Crunch: Is there something else your child has been wanting to start for quite a while?
• Burnout: Is your child dragging, bored, fatigued, and/or angry when it comes to the activity?

There are infinite ways to convey to our children that their time is valuable. One of the most successful actions for parents is explaining to their kids the decisions they are making to value their own time.

Back to the New Year’s Resolution

Harvard Business School professor Ashley Whillans says “just shifting your mindset from valuing money to valuing time—in the absence of changing your behavior at all—is worth the income equivalent (in terms of happiness) of making $2,200 more personal income a year.

Sounds like a pretty good New Year’s resolution to me!

Check out my book!

Online School at Our House

Annie:

“My Spanish teacher insists on teaching class from her back deck! She thinks it’s so relaxing out there. Maybe for her it is. Yesterday her neighbor’s kids got in a fight in their yard in camera range—interesting in a way, but not much help for learning Spanish.”

“During class today she was out back again when her other neighbor began mowing his lawn. Every time the guy got close to her, we couldn’t hear a word she was saying, though she didn’t notice. Let’s say my Spanish lip reading skills were not up to the task.”

Stephen:

“At least you could see your teacher! Mine kept getting dropped from the session. After a while, the students just began going over the articles with each other since the teacher never made it back to class.”

And this is nearly 6 months into the pandemic! Not the expected schooling difficulties that occurred after most of the U.S. abruptly moved online in March. Annie and Stephen are in high school and college, not elementary school. I can only imagine how it looks for younger kids and their exhausted parents. Life in this pandemic can be so challenging—and that’s on a good day.

I try to remember that this pandemic-induced stress brings out everyone’s worst selves—or in psychology-speak, our less functional selves. I just didn’t think my worst self would be quite this bad. I’ve realized that when the going gets tough, I have the frustration tolerance of a 7 year-old. It’s not pretty.

And my husband and kids aren’t too far ahead of me. For the time being it’s as if we live in a house of 2nd graders with no teacher. More Lord of the Flies than Lord of the Rings.

Send Help

In the few moments a day that I can access my “psychologist brain” I’ve thought, you’ve worked with a lot of 7 year-olds. How would you treat a 7 year-old with low frustration tolerance, poor self-control and discipline, high distractibility, difficulty standing in others’ shoes, and trouble completing tasks?

I warned you my 7-year-old self is kind of a wreck these days. But perhaps you can relate.

In other words, how does one help a child lacking in executive functioning skills? These are the cognitive control functions needed when you have to concentrate and plan—and the skills slipping most at my house during this pandemic.

I did a little research. I’ve long been interested in executive functioning—it’s partly that the term itself sounds so smart and well-heeled. I’ve written before about teaching kids to delay gratification via the findings of the Marshmallow Study, and the many techniques the Tools of the Mind program can teach young children. But tough times call for increased measures, so I dug deeper into the research.

An article on executive functioning in 4-12 year-olds by Adele Diamond and Katherine Lee caught my eye. I figured it could also aid middle-aged parents who have regressed to the level of 4-12 year-old children during a once-in-a-lifetime coronavirus pandemic.

The Pandemic Calls for Beefing Up Our Executive Functioning Skills

The “the three questions” intervention from the article jumped out at me. These questions were part of a study on executive functioning of elementary-age children in a Tae-Kwon-Do class, and were asked of the children as the martial arts session was beginning.

The three questions are:

Where am I?  (bringing focus to the present moment)

What am I doing?  (noticing what’s going inside or outside oneself at the moment)

What should I be doing?  (refocusing on, or re-prioritizing the short-term goal if need be)

Simply reading those mindful questions had a grounding and quieting effect on me.

How to Use the Three Questions

Consider asking these questions to your children at the beginning of an activity. If you are working with older kids doing virtual schooling, you might write these questions on post-its near the computer. For younger children, you could ask the questions at the beginning of the session and again if (when) they get distracted, off-track, or just plain antsy, to help them refocus.

We adults could also use these questions throughout our chaotic, multitasking days. And finally—and rather sadly for those of us who love quick solutions—the article authors emphasized that any executive functioning skill practice only leads to improvements if repeated over time. Still, as executive functioning help goes, this simple suggestion felt worth a try.

I have already started using the three questions with my frustrated inner-child and she is tolerating them fairly well.

My daughter Annie’s orchestra class was a middle school highlight. Anyone with a middle schooler (or who’s been one), probably knows that highlights are hard to come by in that phase of life.

Annie had only learned to play the violin the year before and suddenly in orchestra class she was working on complex pieces of “real music.” I’ll admit that attending Annie’s orchestra concerts was more pleasant than experiencing her brothers’ ear-piercing band concerts during those years—which even our boys didn’t enjoy much.

Teacher Magic

Annie was lucky to land in the class of an amazing music teacher. This teacher was rather strict, and a little moody—who wouldn’t be in her shoes? However, she also walked the fine line of nudging kids out of their comfort zones—just far enough. She additionally possessed that “teacher magic” which made the kids want to push themselves to show her what they could do.

Annie went from being a kid who rarely practiced violin to one who played at home for an hour at a time. Twice weekly her teacher offered before-school practice sessions. When later in her 6th grade year Annie requested private lessons, Todd and I found ourselves quite willing to support an interest she was already actively pursuing. But still, private lessons are pricey. We needed to get creative.

After some thinking, we asked Annie’s older brothers if they knew violin students who might give lessons. Using this strategy, we found two high school girls whom Annie took lessons from. Both were cool, violin-playing role models for Annie—and their lesson fees didn’t break the bank at our house.

But all of this started with Annie being taught by an inspirational orchestra teacher. When her teacher suggested something, Annie was willing to try it. Because of this she got better and better at violin. I thanked Annie’s teacher at the time, but I really should send another note of appreciation. There weren’t many high points in my kids’ middle school experiences, but this was definitely one.

Soft Skills

As I look back on that experience, I can see that, as well as teaching music, Annie’s teacher was also teaching her students many “soft skill” life lessons. I recently read a book emphasizing the importance of these soft skills.

In You are Awesome: Find Your Confidence, and Dare to Be Brilliant at (Almost) Anything, Matthew Syed writes in an easy-to-take-in style for teens and tweens. Syed, who was a British table tennis champion and was even on the British Olympic team, offers various useful ways to motivate kids.

As a parent reading Syed’s book, I’m not sure who was more motivated, me or his teen readers!

After telling his story about being an average kid who became good at something by practicing over time in a variety of ways, Syed says,

So let’s forget those types of stories that we hear about people being “born gifted” or “naturally talented” when it comes to explaining how someone got really good at something. I’m here to reveal the truth, and the fact that it’s possible for anyone to get really good at (almost) anything—and that includes YOU.

Syed reminds kids, “No one wants to admit how hard they practice, so don’t believe anyone who tells you they are effortlessly brilliant or clever. They are probably lying.” 

He then describes a “growth mindset”—which I have also written about previously. I’m obviously a fan.

People With Growth Mindsets Believe:

• Ability can be changed with practice.
• Putting in effort is the only way to get better at a skill.
• Mistakes happen. They are nothing to be ashamed of, and they show us our areas of struggle so we can work on improving our skills in these places.
• Feedback is essential. It shows you where and how you need to improve.
• Challenges are vital. Trying new things is the only way to learn.
• One can learn from others’ successes. Study the other person’s strategy, and consider how to add pieces of their technique to your practice.

Brain Plasticity

Syed even describes brain plasticity to kids in easy-to-understand terms:

If you walk the same route through a forest, day in and day out, then eventually you will create a path making it easier to walk though the forest the next time. Neural connections are the same. So, the more you practice math questions (or skateboarding tricks, or level 53 of Minecraft), the stronger the connections become, making it easier the next time you try.

He ends by reminding kids that not all practicing is equally helpful.

Not all practice is as useful at growing your brain and creating neural connections…The screw-your-face-up, grit-your-teeth kind of practice that makes you feel good about yourself afterward because you know you’ve achieved something is what your aiming for.

Getting Kids Off the Couch

These days when it’s so easy for kids to opt out of an activity or new class in exchange for an afternoon playing video games or time on social media, we parents need all the help we can get motivating our kids to try new things. Something about the upbeat nature of this quick-read book gave me hope. And for me hope is often the first step to changing something that’s not going well.

For most of us parents (myself definitely included) it’s hard to be a constant cheerleader. Syed’s book, and thinking back to Annie’s amazing orchestra teacher, gave my tired inner cheerleader the energy boost she needed.

“He’s wearing me down. Maybe he’ll go to law school someday and use those debating skills to make a living!” My mental musings after hearing our 12 year-old’s impassioned appeal for an iPad of his own.

We’d just returned from visiting friends with three kids. Each had their own iPad, and as we said goodbye all sat quietly on the sofa engaged in video games or youtube videos. None of the jostling for screen time which so often happened at our house.

However, the answer to the plea would still be no.

We all know saying no to a toddler is hard because it so often leads to a messy, difficult tantrum. The good news is that after years of facing a range of tantrums, parents slowly get better at dealing with—or at least recovering from—them. 

Then most parents get a bit of a break during the elementary school years. And just when we’re thinking that we aren’t so bad at this parenting gig, the kids enter the middle and high school years. At our house, daily requests seemed to triple at this time. With so many asks coming at you, it’s easy to lean on ready rationalizations for saying yes to all of it.

“She’s in middle school now after all.”

“Other parents seem to be letting their teens do this.”

“I’m too tired to think this one through.”

“He’s got a good head on his shoulders. He’ll be fine.”

“We can afford it, so we might as well let him have one.” 

It feels good to say yes to teens—and of course we should do so when it makes sense. Constantly saying no makes us feel like the strict parent on the block who never has any fun. And our teens support this premise by presenting examples to prove that our parenting decisions fall on the far end of the bell curve.

Yet being parents of three teens, Todd and I have been saying no a lot for the past few years. 

“Are you having fun yet?” I whisper to Todd when we’re mired in a parenting dilemma. “Was this what you were picturing way back when?” 

But I recently came across a book that reminded me of the benefits our teens receive from not hearing yes to every request. Stretch: Unlock the Power of Less—and Achieve More Than You Ever Imagined, by Scott Sonenshein. 

Sonenshein studies organizations—and the workers within their doors—and tells readers that when people have fewer resources, they have greater access to their creativity. When a business has limited means, workers are more likely to use a material on hand to solve a problem, rather than buy something new.

People “stretch” to arrive at innovative solutions when resources are limited. It turns out my teens are benefiting from this scenario. Not giving adolescents endless resources forces them to stretch as well. I began to feel hopeful. Still tired, but also hopeful. 

Requiring Teens to Share a Car

Sonenshein’s research suggested that when Todd and I said no to becoming a three-car family once Stephen—then recently Daniel—learned to drive, we were requiring our sons to stretch by sharing a car with us.

So far, the stretching the boys have done has looked like this:

They are motivated to communicate about upcoming plans in our weekly family meetings. After a few times when both Stephen and Daniel needed the car (our other car is a stick shift that they aren’t yet proficient at driving), the boys became more communicative with each other. More communicative, not fully communicative. I am learning it’s a long road to full communication. 

When one of the kids needs to get somewhere and doesn’t have access to the car, they have been more willing to take the local bus or ride a bike, or even ask if the event (a band practice with friends, for example) can be rescheduled. 

Creative solutions have been generated. Sometimes Stephen will drive Daniel to one event and then continue on to his own.

I’ve stretched at times as well because Stephen and Daniel share the car I usually drive. 

Sharing a Computer

At one point or another, each of our three kids has asked for their own computer. Todd and I have also said no to this request—until each gets their own laptop for college. For the past few years, our family of five has shared two computers and an iPad. Todd has a computer at work as well. At times this situation has required more planning ahead than sharing a car. But even with high school course loads growing, we’ve managed.

Sharing the computer has required the kids to think ahead about when they will do certain homework projects. When the computers are in use, our kids come up with off-line homework they can do. Sharing computers means the screens are located outside of bedrooms, and more easily seen by parents. Additionally, sharing computers has meant less overall screen time. When others are using the computers, the kids generate non-screen activities to keep them busy. This too stretches their adolescent brains. 

The stretching Stephen, Daniel, and Annie have done as a result of parental “no’s” has helped them practice skills they will use in the work world. Having fewer resources in our home has required the kids to negotiate more often than they otherwise would have.

When more than one person wants the car or computer, teens must stand in the shoes of others and think through whose situation is a higher priority. Since teens’ brains are wired to make them more self-focused than the average person, regularly working with others and thinking about everyone’s priorities has truly been a stretch. 

It’s still challenging to say no regularly to teens, but remembering some of the lasting benefits a no brings—even if the teens themselves can’t see these benefits yet—makes saying no now and again worth it. 

_____________

Take a look at my new book, Sweet Spots: Helping Your Kids Find ENOUGH in Their Lives–in paperback or kindle! Parents of young kids might be excited to read this around the holidays.

When my friend Jessica’s son Alex was in elementary school, he loved soccer. Alex would spend hours in their backyard “shooting on goal,” only coming in when it was dark and he was spent. I envisioned his tired soul easily finishing homework and succumbing to sleep. I’m not sure if this last part was true or simply what I imagined would happen with such a child. Because of his natural soccer talent, as well as the many extra hours of backyard practice, Alex was soon a skilled soccer player. 

My son Daniel liked soccer nearly as much as Alex from elementary school on. We bought one of those kick-back nets for a birthday gift fairly early, and I figured that, like Alex, Daniel would spend hours in our backyard practicing. He did practice some at first, but it never really took off. Not even sort of. Daniel played on a soccer team during those years and loved it, but rarely practiced on his own beyond that.

Daniel has also enjoyed playing the saxophone for many years and has been in the school jazz band since sixth grade. Since his jazz band experiences have happened in middle and high school classes, Daniel played his instrument at school each day. But at home—nada. Given how much Daniel loves soccer and sax, his lack of practicing never made sense to me.

Then I read The Four Tendencies, by Gretchen Rubin, and suddenly things became much clearer. Rubin’s book is about what motivates us to “get things done” in our lives. She breaks people into four types based on how they respond to expectations—those that are inner (from the self), and those that are outer (from others).

The Four Tendencies

Upholders respond readily and easily to both outer and inner expectations.

Questioners ask and wonder about all expectations. They meet an expectation only if they believe it’s justified. So in effect questioners respond only to inner expectations—those that come from themselves rather than the outside world.

Obligers respond readily to outer expectations (those put on them by other people or groups), but struggle to meet inner expectations.

Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike.

Turns out Daniel is an Obliger (as well as an extrovert). Thus, he regularly showed up for team soccer practices, knowing his teammates were counting on him to be there. And being an extrovert, practicing with a group refueled him. However, Daniel was much less likely to practice soccer skills on his own with no buddies around, as this just didn’t motivate him. The same went for saxophone. Daniel loved playing his sax in jazz band practices and performances. Alone in his room, not so much.

Seeing my son’s behavior through this Four Tendencies lens reduced my frustration about his lack of extra practicing. Rubin notes that when Obligers want to meet an inner expectation—to exercise, to take an online course, to start their own company—they will almost inevitably fail unless they use a work-around. For Obligers, the vital work-around for motivating themselves to get something done is to create outer accountability. Obligers need to build in a structure bigger than themselves which expects them to show up or complete something.

What To Do

In Daniel’s case, bringing a friend over specifically to play soccer at the park with him would be one way to create outer accountability. Signing Daniel up for some sort of one-on-one soccer skills coaching would be another way to build in outer accountability, as would regular sax lessons with a teacher he admired. Group lessons might work even better than individual ones. When it comes to school work, a respected teacher’s expectations, or working in a small group where everyone is pulling their weight, often serve as mechanisms of outer accountability.

These solutions to the Obliger “stuck points” take some creativity, but it’s better than continuing to nag Daniel to practice the sax or his soccer skills when he’s at home.

Not the Only One

As I read Rubin’s book, it became obvious to me that I am also an Obliger. The way I finished my Ph.D. dissertation was by scheduling meetings with my advisors every Friday. My advisors became my outer accountability. Knowing a Friday meeting was looming motivated me to get the work done. Strange that I didn’t pick up on the fact that Daniel and I are both Obligers. Though maybe it’s not so surprising since sometimes what bothers us most in our kids is something with which we ourselves struggle. 

—————————

Don’t forget to check out my new book, Sweet Spots: Helping Your Kids Find ENOUGH in Their Lives, available at Amazon in paperback or kindle.  If you like it, I’d be so grateful if you’d write a review on Amazon, and/or tell someone else about it. Thank you! 

As many of you are aware, I’ve been working on a book project for the last few years based on this blog and much additional research. For those of you who’ve offered feedback and suggestions to my blog posts over the years, I’ve integrated many of your comments into my book.

I am delighted to announce at last that the book has been published! It’s called Sweet Spots: Helping Your Kids Find ENOUGH in Their Lives and is available on Amazon in both paperback and kindle formats.

What the Book’s About

Sweet Spots injects relief and insight into the busy lives of weary parents. I approached this book with the humble honesty of Brené Brown and tried to capture the perceptive storytelling of Wendy Mogel’s Blessing of a Skinned Knee. The book integrates simple living, current psychology research, and a mother’s humility.

Sweet Spots uses many of my own and my clients’ parenting experiences to highlight the scarcity thinking that has gripped our culture—the Hurry, you’re already behind! attitude. The Bigger! Better! More! attitude. If I can’t get my daughter into that particular preschool, she’ll never get into a good college!

Sweet Spots is chock full of tools to help readers tamp down those anxious impulses and instead cultivate an “attitude of enough” in their children and themselves. Parent readers and their kids will learn to formulate a new, optimistic worldview:  There is enough to go around.  Another chance always comes along.  I am resourceful.  I can make a difference in the world.  I am enough.   

Thank You

Thanks so much to those of you who’ve followed my blog over the years! I would love to hear your opinions of Sweet Spots. So if you read it and like it, please leave a review on Amazon. One final request: if you buy a copy, please consider passing it along when done to someone you think it would benefit.

Early Reviews

I’m so grateful that several authors whom I admire offered to read drafts of Sweet Spots and shared reviews:

“Cochran’s timely and informative book comes from her professional and personal experiences. Her kind and wise reflections offer modern parents both practical help and long-term perspective as they navigate the challenging work and joy of raising children. I heartily recommend it.”

—Mary Pipher, Ph.D., bestselling author of Reviving Ophelia and Women Rowing North

“I love the premise of this book. Psychologists rarely challenge our consumer culture from a mental health standpoint, but in Sweet Spots Suzita Cochran helps parents prioritize what is important for a child’s healthy development…Highly recommended!”

—Erica Reischer, Ph.D., author of What Great Parents Do

“It’s a got-to-have-it-all, got-to-stay-ahead parenting jungle out there. Suzita Cochran provides myriad battle-tested tips to assist parents in guiding their kids to ENOUGH—perhaps the most important life skill of our modern consumerist age. Following Cochran’s advice will help you and your children achieve more sane, more satisfied and happier lives.”

—Marie Sherlock, author of Living Simply with Children

“There are literally thousands of titles to help moms and dads navigate the rough waters of parenting in our modern age. Each offers a unique point of view, from so-called Tiger parenting to French mothering, attachment parenting to gender-neutral parenting to feminist parenting. Into this overcrowded field of fad advice comes Suzita Cochran, whose simple yet compelling premise is, know what is enough. Cochran offers a thoughtful primer on learning to establish your family’s boundaries and then applying this principle to all facets of family life. Her focus on the principle of “enough” will give parents permission to set limits, redefine their values, and rear their children in a family environment marked by common sense, clarity and conscience. If you choose only one parenting book to guide your thinking on this most important role, Sweet Spots will be enough.”

—Marybeth Hicks, columnist, speaker, and author of Bringing Up GEEKS: How to Protect Your Kid’s Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World

“This book will help parents move away from the vague but disturbing feeling of scarcity—the sense many have that there’s not enough to go around, and we must fight to get ahead and provide…Sweet Spots not only left me with the settled feeling that there will be sufficient resources for my family and children, but also with an appreciation that there is an abundance of care, love, and time in which my family can thrive.”

—Kim John Payne M.ED., author of Simplicity Parenting

I remember the day the I hit the wall. It was in the middle of a long summer of what we referred to as “Mom camp,” and at the peak of our two-playgrounds-a-day phase—one in the morning, another in the afternoon. And I just couldn’t do it anymore.

That summer the kids were 10, 8, and 5, and Todd, who was working hard to finish his first book before his teaching semester began, needed quiet time to write. 

I’m not sure how inspiration struck—it was likely due to the desperation I felt. But out of the blue, I recalled a small slice of land on the edge of a pond, on the far side of a park, on the other end of town. I piled the kids in the car with some notebooks, pencils, bags for collecting, and snacks—and drove off.

We walked for half a mile to get to the spot. The children were somewhat cranky when we arrived, but it was fairly secluded so no one heard their fussing.

A Deserted Island

I informed the kids I was dropping them off on a deserted island. It was about 100 yards across with a big hill in the middle, and the pond on one side. On the other side was a creek-sized body of water separating it from the “mainland.”  The first job was to create a bridge. 

I sat on a bench on the mainland while they built and explored. It was one of those wonderful parenting experiences that worked—which is probably why I remember it. As Angela Hanscom says in Balanced and Barefoot, the first thing that happens when kids lose themselves in nature is quiet. The loud, whiny voices come to an almost instant halt. A sense of focus takes hold.

Once the kids made their way onto the island via their soggy bridge of sticks and logs, five-year-old Annie picked her way to the water’s edge and began searching for rocks and water bugs. Stephen, age ten, started surveying the landmass and later drew a map of it in his notebook—which I thought might happen as he was deep into his map-making phase. Eight-year-old Daniel got right down to building some sort of structure with plants and sticks, while keeping an eye out for natural treasures—he was in a pirate/detective phase.

When it was time to leave, the kids told me they’d christened the place “Moon Island” because it was somewhat crescent-shaped. Stephen pulled out his map, Daniel showed me various treasures he’d found, and Annie chattered about the bug species she’d discovered. All three begged me to return to their island soon.

Vitamin N

I love Richard Louv’s term ”Vitamin N” to describe children’s biological need for nature in their lives. Angela Hanscom, a pediatric occupational therapist, reminds us that children involved in active free play outdoors are stimulating each of their senses and igniting their imaginations—their neurons firing on all cylinders. This type of play increases kids’ creativity, helps them regulate their emotions, and enhances their social development.

Play in the natural world reduces children’s anxiety, allows them to slow down and focus, and is less stimulating than much of the indoor world with its bright colors and loud sounds.

Nature Supports Sensory Integration

Hanscom says that the heavy lifting children naturally do outdoors—picking up boulders or tree branches—supports their proprioception, giving them a sense of body position and motion. This type of play helps kids discover and regulate how much force they need for completing varied tasks in life. She mentions that spinning and rolling, also common in outdoor play, stimulate the vestibular sense, telling children where their bodies are in space.

Free play in nature activates each sense, not simply proprioception and vestibular. It then helps kids weave the feedback from their senses into an integrated whole that clearly communicates signals from the outside world. Hanscom describes sensory integration as taking all the puzzle pieces and pulling them together into a bigger picture. She suggests imagining a child climbing a tree barefoot, experiencing the sensation through her eyes, feet, hands, nose, and even muscles and joints. Think of the information this child is taking in from all her senses.

What About in Winter?

Wintertime can be challenging when it comes to spending time in nature with children. When my kids were young, I had many “misses” on cold-day outdoor experiences, but a few did hit the mark, such as:

• Walking along an iced-over creek, and letting the kids play beside it. They broke the ice by throwing big rocks and pounding it with sticks, and saw how far small rocks slid on the icy surface. As long as Mama stayed warm, this play could go on for hours.
• Building snow forts in the backyard after big storms. We found kid-sized snow shovels for small, mittened hands, and let them loose.
• Walking the neighborhood finding icy spots between the sidewalk and street. The kids then broke, crunched, and jumped on the ice while declaring themselves “The Icebreakers.”
• Building winter dams. When it was a bit sunny and the snow began to melt into little streams along the sidewalks, the kids built small dams and other architectural creations in the flowing water.      

Final Thoughts

Being in nature calms a fussy toddler and soothes a disgruntled teen. And don’t forget that it makes the parents of these children feel more sane and grounded too. When we immerse ourselves in nature, even if just in bits at a time, we are reminded there are many things bigger than we are. Our problems aren’t so large when seen from this perspective.