Please Stalk Me

Hypothesis

2010-06-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

I have a theory that I will become more attached to every guy I date, than they will to me. Solely because I am a the woman.

I have another theory, that I will usually be the one to get dumped because I can't really be myself.

These theories, lead me to believe that I will be afraid to get dumped in each and every relationship I begin, and therefore dating will be the opposite of fun. It will be my ninth circle of hell.

So either I embrace this ninth circle of hell or just chill in the eighth circle alone.

Decisions.

you said it, beyonce

2010-06-06T21:29:00.001-07:00

Online Dating 101

2010-04-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

I wonder if this online dating thing is going to be how we all find dates in the future. For now, it's just what losers do unless you're like 40 and can’t get a date. Then you’re not a loser just Internet savvy. Do I classify myself as such? What? Internet savvy? No, why do you ask? Oh a loser? Yes. But several people recently have told me, "Online dating! You don't need to do that!" to which I say shut up dad and get off of the line.

I'm a member of OkCupid, which is a free site as opposed to eharmony which will cost you an arm and a leg because they do the matching for you, based on about 674 questions they ask you before you even start. Communicating with potential mates is further simplified by "guided" communication, or "not actually being yourself" so no judgment can happen yet. One pro is that as the rate of annoying questions increases, the probability of getting murdered decreases. But I'm on OkCupid because the percentages of kinky rapists are higher. On OkCupid they leave all the chitchat up to you; you have to establish a cute opening line with someone, so they won't just reject you based on your looks. After that comes a conversation that lasts "just long enough" so you think you know you want to meet the other person for "real." Usually by message three, I get impatient and say something like, "So do you like me or what?" Online dating is like online shopping; you don't know what anything really looks like, but after looking at the crappy picture a few days in a row, you just order it to see if it's a fit. If you actually get a date, you get to see your online purchase in person and if you are bold enough, try it on and decide if it's too small, too itchy or just plain ugly. With online shopping, you hope you don't get screwed; with online dating you hope they know how.

In the future, online dating will be faster. Right now, on OkCupid, there are various boxes you have to fill in about yourself. If you don't put up a picture, OkCupid will hint that you should REALLY put up a picture. After every message, OkCupid will tell you to change your profile, so that the other person is more likely to respond... thanks for the stalking advice, OkCupid, I'm glad you know how to manipulate people into liking me. In the future we will have to answer really personal questions. Are you circumcised? Do you enjoy surprise butt-sex? Upload a picture of your penis, so "So & So" is more likely to respond.

First meetings will never get easier. I have talked to a lot of guys online. Only two of them actually turned into "dates." I came home from one of them to find my date's age had mysteriously gone up seven years... The other one, I was actually kind of excited for. He and I had a lot of the same interests; we both majored in film, and have jobs in entertainment. He asked me to go see a movie, which we all know as a no-no for a first date, but I thought it was appropriate for us. We had an awkward hello, before proceeding into the theater and exchanging a few words as the lights went out. "Is it going well so far? I wonder what we will do after? I am getting hungry, but we better keep it casual, go for coffee or hard liquor." I couldn't concentrate on the movie at all. And I'm a "lean-over-and-whisper" kind of person, but I learned quickly that he wasn't. But how is this even a date? Needless to say, the movie ended, he said he really had to go do something, leaned in to give me the "A-frame" hug, and topped it off with "I'll be in touch" No, I never heard from him again.

I have a friend who says it's easier for girls to online date. Yeah, they don't call me back either, so I don't know what he's talking about. But I've seen plenty of normal girls online, yet I seem to be a magnet for the bottom-feeders of the Internet. If I were a guy, I would have a large, eligible pool of ladies to choose from. Some guys eneed to stick with girls who swim in the same pool, if you know what I mean. So here are some guidelines: 1) If you're a girl, be careful, don't talk to guys who IM you and use cheesy lines, if they seem awkward and unpleasant it's because they are. 2) If you're a guy, don’t be a douche bag. Don't ask me to send you naked pictures, and don't ask stupid questions like "why are you still single?" It's not cool to make someone give you their number, and then text them 24-seven. I don't have unlimited text messages! So everyone, be careful out there; obviously only meet people in public places, come up with an escape plan in case you don't get what your ordered and at the very least, try to stick them with the bill.

I haven't had any good experiences with online dating, but I haven't had very many good experiences with online shopping either. If I get really desperate, I can just go to the store, try on that pair of jeans and hope somewhere, lurking in the dressing room, there will be a horny janitor.

This Comedy Life

2010-03-14T01:15:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to get used to the idea of being a comedian. A stand-up comedian, that is. It wasn't until people I barely know, that I work around in the office, really started complimenting me on being funny, that I thought seriously about it. Namely, when the really cute guy, known to 'Fearless Music' as the 'Eligible Bachelor' or the 'Pretty Boy,' started seeking me out to talk about it... I think it's because I am like, "I will work on anything with you..." (Eyelash bat, eyelash bat... you get the idea)

But I have to constantly remind myself: guys who think I am funny do not necessarily want to sleep with me. In my case, they never do. And as someone who resorts to comedy all the time, most likely as a defense-mechanism, I believe it is my best trait and the one I have worked the hardest at, therefore the one that should get me the guy. Not to mention how I started to feel at the prospect of this comedy life. Mike said, "I know your life-long dream is to make phone calls for 'Fearless Music,' but you should give this a try..." And I was like, "Yeah, duh!" I immediately had visions of myself as the next Tina Fey. I started looking at people on the subway thinking, "You don't even know you're sitting next to someone who will someday be a household name!"

How egotistical! How much fun! I sat down to write a joke and couldn't do it... What kind of comedian am I? Am I the goofy one who does voices and act everything out? Am I just sarcastic and dry like everyone says I am? Or, as I was recently told, I just need to do the open-mic to really figure it out. You find out when you're on-stage, not off, then you'll just confuse yourself.

This is like that "You can't get a job without experience, and you can't get experience without a job" debacle. One day it will all make sense. But for now, I'm still a comedian with my friends, I have people backing me up purely for the sake of comedy, that is. And I have the dream... or the drive or whatever it is.

Fuckin Technology

2009-05-28T02:24:00.000-07:00

When I lose my phone, I always use someone else's phone, or my own house phone to call it and see if it is at the bottom of my car. But I can never decide whether to listen on the phone I'm calling from to make sure the phone is getting a signal, and it rings. I have to really listen for my phone because my cell phone is ALWAYS on vibrate. Vibrate- it's just the best setting! I can tell you so many reasons why- it's quiet, and not annoying; vibrating is ALWAYS a good thing! Doesn't it always make you smile? And you say, "I'm vibrating!" LOL. Also, I can never get my phone to ring and vibrate at the same time, especially with the same vibrating intensity.

So I'm listening on my own house phone, and it rings, and put my ear up to all the seats in the cars,but I kept hearing ringing coming from inside my house phone. And everytime I heard that sound I got a little excited even though it didn't mean ANYTHING. then it was, back and forth, and over and over. I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't in there. But it sure took me a long time to be sure.

I hate how technology gets you into trouble, like when you can't find your phone for a while, and people get really mad, and say they thought you could have been dead. But you're just like, before there were cell phones you would have just waited. And you wouldn't have been mad. Fuckin technology.

So I lose my phone, and I feel naked--at this point, I wonder if my mom tried to call. And she tried ALL night because she got worried about where I was, and when she couldn't reach me, she was reporting me missing, and calling whoever you call when you want them to look for someone. What if that was happening?!

Well it wasn't. And I'm safe. But naked, without my phone. :(

No smiles from vibrations.

2009-05-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

I just realized that Cruella never really went away. I have been making all of these improvements, but Cruella still pops up. She criticizes the "old me" and now I just find versions of myself to criticize. And for some reason I like that. Everything seems so much better if I could drop this critical part. I don't know why but I'm not looking forward to this period after graduation.

Sometimes I don't want to publish these depressing blogs. But I think it is kinda interesting to look at, and be like " That's what being depressed is like" Good to know.

So like I said, I would like be able to enjoy things right now, instead of feeling really unsure about everything, and letting that drag me down.

my vlog idea

2009-05-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

I kind of want to start a vlog-- you know with video, where I sit and talk to the camera.

Well, I think if I had a vlog, all the stuff I want to talk about, would get me into more trouble. Like me wanting to show my pipe on camera, and show I dug the resin out. I really want to show that. wouldn't that be cool to see. But I think that would be worse than just me talking about it here. I mean the authorities probably wouldn't catch me, but my parents probably would.

And I'm really afraid of that.

But now I think that everything that happens in life is just funny, and worth recording/writing down, and using later. But instead of doing it twice- or planning, writing, and then shooting, just record it now. save myself some time. make it more authentic- and easy to make money off of.

Ever since I saw "Reality Bites" i decided that my life really should be a documentary.

I mean, screw these College Life people, I wish I was doing that.

Man, I gotta do that.

2009-04-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

I think this video is pretty much genius:

I live in Longmont with my mom, of course I do drugs

2009-04-19T23:55:00.000-07:00

That is my defense. I think it's pretty legit, it would hold up in court.

2L2Q

But, tomorrow that ends. Tomorrow, 4/20, I won't smoke pot anymore. I will have a job. And maybe I won't be a virgin.

Well it looks like the first day of the rest of my life.

Listening to: Toy Soldier by Britney Spears

I will post a picture of my totaled car soon...

2009-04-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

So, I crashed my car recently.

Not like a couple days ago, like a month ago. And with the help of my grandfather, and my dad I got a new car (new-used car).

But my parents and everyone (family) are really talking about "doing things while you're driving." Mainly texting and talking on the phone. THESE ARE VERY BAD THINGS TO DO.

Thank the dear Lord I was not texting when I crashed. I really wasn't, I'm not even lying. (I really don't like to lie.) If I had been texting they would have been so mad!

But really, its like they think I'm more retarded because I crashed while I was paying attention to driving. (... and let me tell you, I can sometimes figure out really weird things to do while I'm driving...) So should I feel worse?

So, it's not just phones, my mom is really being gung-ho about everything. She told me not to smoke while I drive. But I feel like, I really like doing that, and even more-- they can't make a law that you can't smoke while you drive. I feel like they would try to put it in with the phone law, but then the law would have to be called "No holding things while driving." And that just sounds really weird.

"Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?"

~ Damien Rice

Snowy Day

2009-04-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

Here's what it looked like out today. Although it was supposed to be much crappier.

A Wondering Kind of Day

2009-04-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

. . . Later on 4/17

I just realized that I wrote a blog about my horny fantasies. Is that too much - TMI? What do y'all think?

PS. This is also just a way to find out if anyone reads this. I saw those Public Service Annoncements on TV that told kids to be careful what they put on the internet. What should I be expecting?

Wondering...

2009-04-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

I'm editing my final project, for my editing class. This is a class where we all get the same footage, and edit it. So it gets old- sometimes it's all really similar, or the teach just shows the best stuff, and it's sort of weird getting "picked." and not getting picked- somehow I always get picked. Muy interesante. So I am incorporating my own footage, taken with my digital camera- snapshot camera, that is. I will be the only one to have that footage, good? Bad? Above and beyond? Against the rules?

. . . Well I guess I will go find out. . .

i'm coming to the internet, baby!

2009-04-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

4/16

I think I want to officialize this blog, and actually put it online, I think I am ready. Besides, that craigslist ad got deleted- so it was probably bogus, but I can just f-ing make a blog, by myself- and put shit on it. I love this shit. I have never been much of a diary-journal person, but there's something official and 'cool' about putting it online- and then showing what song you're listening to, and crap like that. It's another way to do something easier too- haha. BTW son is: Cats and the Cradle by Cat Stevens.

I was having a thought- whenever I get high, I over analyze many thing that I have been doing, and how it must have looked to other people. and then fantasizing about what I want to do, and it always turn into a sexual thing- probably being high has to do with it, but I am pretty horny.

Anyway, then I start planning out these awesome elaborate sex fantasies about guys I know that I think "maybe I could make this happen" with.

I wonder if that's weird, or just like, I dunno, hot?

We shall see my friends...

PS that's supposed to suggest that I really am going to go find out.... ;)

Addicted to Porn?

2009-04-16T23:13:00.000-07:00

. . . Later on 4/15

I saw that True Life where the guy was addicted to porn. He was so addicted, his wife kicked him out of the house-until he could "break" his addiction. How could this "addiction" affect him so much that he could not live with his wife or children? I don't think the wife was exaggerating, but I mean God, was it like every second? he couldn't get through the day without looking at porn! He abused it even while taking care of his children?

WTF Man?

Do nose rings make a difference on first judgements?

2009-04-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

4/15/09 4/15/09

I got to thinking, wjhat if I got the job BECAUSE I lost my nose ring yesterday morning? Could that be? And now that I have this hoop, I will look so bad ass! It will be ridiculous!

i really just wonder if hoops, especially on me look really forced or something, like I will just look stupid, or like a wanna be, or just someone with a bad nose ring.

Or it could be really cute. I like that idea, but I can feel something hanging out of my nose. it doesn't feel cute.

My New Love

2009-04-16T23:09:00.000-07:00

Later on 4/14

If I ever make a movie, or a show, or a fuckin play-- I want to put someone in it really enjoying the shit out of their sonicare toothbrush! That shit is amazing! It should be accompanied by harmonious violins that remind you of heaven and shit. And the person uses the sonicare with such precision, care, and extra time - that it's like they are using their vibrator- in fact! The scene opens with "vibrating sound, " and a young firl lying on her bed, yet as we pan up there is nothing in her pants, just her limp left hand, and a slow-moving right hand attached to a sonicare. Accompanied by foaming at the mouth, whilst making sex faces and closing her eyes with pleasure.

This is my endorsement for the sonicare:

"I lie to my dentist now about flossing and they don't seem to notice-- thank you sonicare!" ~Katie M. in Boulder CO

First Blog

2009-04-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

4/14/09

I was having all of these thoughts earlier, that I can't remember, but I figured I would sit and blog anyway. This is my new career path, I have decided. I am going to make myself do this, and thus, WRITE MORE! I'm going to become a writer! So hello, world out there, it's me, Katie, the Writer.