Ready to start your holiday shopping? I’m beginning a six-week series about varied and interesting gift ideas for your teenagers. I am not a product reviewer, and this Please Stop the Rollercoaster blog is not a product review blog… this will be completely subjective on my part! (Ah, the power of the pen! :>) And I’m confident if you visit regularly you will find a gift idea that is just perfect for a teenager you know. I have some really great gift ideas to share with you!

Teens love items that are a bit out-of-the-ordinary, and have meaning. And I love the way they will support the underdog. So for many of my gift suggestions I am relying on the good folks at the Daily Grommet who share the very same values. If you are not familiar with the Daily Grommet, allow me to introduce you to this special online retailer. The Daily Grommet is an online marketplace where you can discover innovative products and the stories behind them. They unveil a different product every day with a short video about it, sharing their personal experiences in testing the product and letting us know about the people behind it. With their mission to uncover unique products with special stories it can make your holiday shopping for teenagers really fun. Founder Jules Pieri has recommended a dozen great gifts for teenagers which I will share with you over the next few weeks, and I’ll add a few of my own notable items to our list.

The Shred Sled: If you have an active and athletic teen who loves snowboarding and/or skatboarding, you may just love this first product, the Shred Sled which offers a unique blend of skateboarding, snowboarding and surfing. Check this out:

Click for ShredSled pricing and purchasing information

In a recent conversation with a self-described “stay-at-home-Dad,” I got a new insight into just how different a dad’s experience can be . This particular father is interfacing with the other parents [read: Moms] at his daughter’s middle school and he noticed something interesting: his interactions improved when he wore his wedding ring. How complicated our relationships are… how subtle the influences that impact the way we judge one another… it gives me new insight and appreciation for how dads sometimes have to work extra hard to fit in and find their way to support their child.

Do Dads take a back seat when it comes to parenting teenagers?  The Dads I know are every bit as caring as mothers of teens…. but they do feel like outsiders at times. We must remember the vital role fathers play in raising sons and daughters. This subject has been discussed in numerous blogs since the New York Times ran an article last week  stating “‘Dads tend to discipline differently, use humor more and use play differently…[and] they tend to encourage risk-taking and problem-solving.”

Dads parent differently than moms, and kids benefit from these differences.  While a mother’s nurturing is essential, so is a father’s. And the differences in approach may be exactly where those benefits count the most.

By nature – and of course this is a broad-brush generality – men tend to interact with their kids in more active ways, stimulating them, rough-housing at times, and interacting through shared activities and experiences. It is often an action-oriented connection, different than a mom’s tendency to calm, soothe and nurture. This stimulating interaction encourages kids to take risks, and prepares them for the outside world. Vital lessons for toddlers and college students alike.

Dads and daughters: Some professionals call the relationship between a dad and his daughter a “dress rehearsal” for future heterosexual relationships, teaching them what they can grow to expect from men in terms of love and respect. One fundamental way a Dad can support his teen daughter is by helping demonstrate the value of what she says…in other words by tuning in and listening to her. Men have a tendency to be “fixers,” wanting to solve problems and move on. However, this can undermine a child’s ability to evaluate and learn to solve her problems. A better approach is to listen, offering coaching and guidance only if it is requested. The value in this approach is double-barreled,  not only does it allow a teenager to practice developing her own answers and strategies, it lets her know that she is competent and that her voice and opinion matters. These messages from a father, while subtle at times, can have a dramatic impact on a girl’s sense of confidence… even if these results aren’t obvious for months or years to come.

There are changes in adolescent girls that can make some dads feel awkward and put-off. As a young teen girl becomes focused on her looks, her social life, boys etc., a dad may feel left out and left behind. Some dads may feel awkward as their teen daughter begins to develop a woman’s body. But, no matter the changes, Dads are still needed. To disengage at this critical developmental stage can be harmful to a daughter when she needs this male input more than ever. Dads need to remain tuned into the relationship, confident in the value of their role, voice and relationship. If a dad is not sure how to get past his feelings of discomfort, he should get help on this. This is a parent issue, not a teen issue. Dads and Daughters can be one resource, and here are some tips for dads and daughters.

Dads and sons: The action-oriented, shared-activity kind of connection between fathers and sons is obvious to see. What may be less obvious is the way these interactions teach boys about their emotional development. William Pollack in Real Boys says the roughhousing between father and son actually helps to teach a boy to manage aggression and develop understanding and mastery of his emotions. This may not be at all obvious to moms, but fathers teach sons about managing their feelings and they do it differently than moms do, offering vital and complementary views and skills.

Pollack shares that when fathers are actively involved in their sons’ lives the boys are less aggressive, less overly competitive, better able to express feelings of vulnerability or sadness, higher in self-esteem, lower in incidence of depression and social delinquency.

Dads, have confidence in your vital role. The built-in contradictions that teens give parents – moms and dads alike – can throw parents off  course. It is common for teens to indicate that they don’t want parents around at times, that they don’t care for parents’ input or advice, that family time isn’t what matters to them. Don’t be fooled. This is a time to step up, tune in, be sensitive to different ways to approach your teen… and try and understand them more. One of my favorite quotes that  can serve as a guide for you comes from A. Rae Simpson in her Harvard-sponsored report Raising Teens:

“Frustrating parents, teens want to be with them except when they don’t, teens want their help except when they don’t, teens behave in excitingly more mature ways- except when they don’t… Throughout, they need parents to remain available, taking the emotional high ground by providing opportunities for closeness that teens can sometimes accept and sometimes reject.”

Take the “emotional high ground”… that’s the best advice yet for dads – and moms alike.

Lisa Belken’s Motherlode post Dirty Halloween Dancing offers interesting commentary on teenagers’ and their dances. Certainly it’s not new that parents and school officials are imposing rules to keep behavior appropriate…seems our society has fought this battle in every generation.  But what kids are doing at these dances today does take it to another level. One high school teacher describes the scene:

… please know that what we are talking about is not just dirty dancing. Please know that what teenagers do when they think their parents won’t find out is graphic reenactments of sexual acts. Take your average MTV video and superimpose your teenager’s face. Remember, the average MTV video of a popular song usually involves one of the following events: a girl dancing on a stripper pole, a girl writhing in simulated orgasm on a car hood, men drinking alcohol and pouring them on a girl, girls simulating sex acts with each other, both genders simulating sexual intercourse with minimal clothing.. the list goes on and on.

Surely we cannot leave it to MTV to teach teens how to behave… and parents who do will have kids who mistakenly believe this is the right way to behave.

Parents, please don’t underestimate the value of your voice in teaching your kids to develop their sense of self so they feel less influenced by such cultural pressures. Somewhere they need to get messages that this behavior isn’t the norm!  Don’t be daunted if your teen rolls her eyes at you – because she does hear what you say. Be sure that you are the dissenting voice and give her all the examples that you can that the overly sexualized images in the media are NOT the norm and NOT the examples for behavior that will support her (or him) and make her proud of her  behavior.

While teens are likely to express themselves in ways you won’t always approve, be sure you are clear and consistent in encouraging them to think through their behavior, be intentional about the image they want to project and in understanding the media does not represent an accurate picture of real life. More thoughts in  The Power of Sexy

Random thoughts this morning…. a little disjointed, but food for thought.  First, I want to applaud and recognize all parents of teenagers who have the courage of your convictions. As I talk to parents, peruse the web and consider the choices, decisions, and issues you face every day, I just want to recognize the difficulty of this job today. And I want to encourage you to keep the courage of your convictions… if you believe you are making the best choices and decisions that you can, that is the best you can do.

Let’s face it; our experiences just don’t translate in many ways to the experiences of our teenagers. This generation of digital natives has a profoundly different set of expectations around the way they gather information and use it.  Many parents are struggling to catch up themselves…. and struggling to find the right set of rules for their kids. The “generation gap” that was so obvious in the 60’s and 70’s is alive and well today, most obviously in the way the generations communicate and use technology.

Retraining required: I am in the (rather painful) process of switching from a PC to a Mac. Apple has a wonderful program called One-to-One where for $99 I can get all the personal training I can use for one year at my local Apple store. I am there regularly. And the first thing I say to my trainer, so far a different Gen Y-er every time, is “for me there is nothing natural about using a computer.”  It is a point of view, a way of thinking that is different from many young people today.  For them, this appears to be natural.  Mobile communication; instant communication; constant communication… natural for them. Unnatural for me.  I felt validated the other night when I overheard a customer explain his difficulties in working with his computer by saying “I’m old!”  Today’s language and medium is just different.

Cell phones and teens: Decisions around when to allow your teen a cell phone is just one classic example of the intersection of parental convictions and teens’ use of  technology.  This two part essay is written by a writer for the Wall St. Journal and his 14 year old son, each giving their point of view on the cell phone issue.  Levi, the son, shares some good reasons why it is time that he get his own cell phone…not the least of which he is quite literally the only kid he knows who doesn’t have one. And Steve, his Dad, shares why Levi doesn’t have one yet.

Here’s my point: Bravo to Steve for his convictions. Even if Levi is the only kid in his school without a cell phone, if his parents sincerely feel this is the right choice for their family, then I give them full credit for that. Too many parents get buffeted by the pressure and expectations of their kids and the expectations and norms in their community. I do believe we should listen to what our teens are saying…and recognize the norms and expectations in our community…and then make our personal decisions, even if they go against the tide.  That’s the kind of personal conviction that gets my respect.

iCurfew is a new iPhone app just announced this week from my colleague Vanessa Van Petten at Radical Parenting. I don’t have an i-phone, so I haven’t tested this out, but I really like the sound of it. I’ve been approached numerous times to write about various devices that monitor teens. I have declined so far because I

iCurfew iPhone app

don’t have the staff or ability to properly evaluate such products, and because  electronically monitoring teens feels really intrusive to me.  It might be right for you…. I just don’t want to go there.  iCurfew utilizes the built-in GPS feature in your iPhone and allows your teen to send a parent an email message that identifies their whereabouts.  What appears to be interesting about iCurfew is that they are encouraging kids to use it voluntarily as a way to confirm their location and keep honest communication open between teens and their parents.   If you have an i-phone and try it out, please share your comments here.

I won’t be holding my breath to hear from Levi or Steve on the matter, though.

Whether or not you are married to your teen’s other parent, disagreements are going to arise as you raise your teenagers. How to manage your way through these disagreements is a sensitive topic without clear answers. In my QUESTION OF THE WEEK at our Facebook “Parenting Teenagers” page I asked parents how they handle it when they disagree, and it was clear parents are looking for some direction on this.

Parenting teenagers requires us to examine and consider issues we haven’t faced before. How do you feel about premaritial sex? Your answer may be quite different when this moves from a theoretical discussion to one about your son or daughter. What is the right age at which you are able to leave your young teen home alone? To allow him to go to the football game with friends? To have a cell phone? To get her drivers license? To get a job? Some of these questions can be difficult to answer, and you may not know how you feel until you are faced with the questions. Be sure to give yourself time to be open to various points of view, consider alternatives and don’t be bullied into making quick decisions if you need more time or information. And understand that it isn’t realistic to expect that you and your teen’s other parent will agree on all issues.

How you handle it when you disagree has enormous impact on your teenager. I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Donald Gordon last week, the creator of Parenting Wisely and Children in the Middle. An experienced psychologist and former university professor, his knowledge is steeped in research and facts, and one fact that he stated is highly relevant here: when parents manage their disagreements maturely and respectfully, kids thrive. Even in divorced families, kids can develop and thrive to the same degree as kids in intact families when the parents handle their disagreements and conflict in a relatively positive manner. It is vitally important that parents learn how to do this.

Dr. Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries shares her experience and recommendations on this topic. She points out that teens need to learn skills around negotiation and conflict resolution before they leave home, and like it or not, they are learning this from you. Better be sure you are modeling what you want your teen to see.

Here are some specific suggestions thanks to Dr Borba and others:

In situations between you and your teen’s other parent:

• Expect that you will disagree at times. Rather than focus on what you disagree on, find your common ground.
• Be very clear about your agreed-upon points. You can even consider posting them on the refrig!
• Aim for consistency… your kids need to know what to expect from each of you.
• When you and the other parent can’t find common ground, agree which parent will take the lead on a particular issue. Be specific and clear with your teen.
• Understand that if you fail to give your teen clear, consistent messages and direction, you are creating a wide chasm into which s/he can fall …caused by the parents’ failure to find resolutions.
• Do not ever undermine the authority of the other parent.
• Negotiations must be respectful. Yelling is not allowed. If necessary, give one another permission to walk away and continue when emotions are less volatile.
• Aim for a resolution. While teens dislike seeing bickering between parents, what is even worse is when parents fight and don’t resolve anything. Remember, you are modeling behavior that your teen is learning.
• If you can’t agree on anything, consider getting a mediator. This could be a family doctor, minister, relative, friend – anyone who cares about your kids and whom you are both willing to trust.

In situations between you, your teen, and his/her other parent:

• Whenever possible, include your teenager in the negotiation. This empowers your teen, let’s him know that you value and respect his opinion, and may open additional possibilities for compromise and resolution.
• Organize a regular family meeting where the whole family can discuss what is working and what isn’t. This is not only possible, but especially valuable if you are in a divorced home. With Skype and other available technologies today this is even possible when there are long distances between you.
• Allow feelings to be expressed. Encourage honesty. Nothing gets resolved if feelings are disallowed. This won’t always be pleasant or fun, but authentic interactions should be valued.
• Try to teach and model tact and sensitivity to other’s feelings.
• Identify your feelings aloud, understanding that kids are sometimes hyper-sensitive to criticism. They are also very tuned in to reading facial expressions, and are often wrong about what they interpret. Better to say how you are feeling: “I’m not angry; I’m just tired.” “I may look angry, but I’m really just frustrated.”
• Allow your teen the time to process in silence. Sometimes they need time to think things through before responding.
• Minimize your criticism. Try to lead with an open mind to encourage the cooperation you are hoping to achieve.

I’ve always said that raising teenagers requires really adult behavior from parents… and this isn’t always easy! When embroiled in a disagreement about behavior, values, rules or what-have-you, it can feel like a life and death situation. But, even if the other parent has a different belief than you do and you think s/he is dead wrong, your teen may be better off with a consistent and enforceable message -with which you disagree- rather than having no resolution or direction. In other words, you may have to back off at times. The most important thing is to make sure your teen doesn’t fall into any chasms that may exist between you. That would be irresponsible adult behavior.

You’ll love this…. just stick with it all the way through. Such creativity on the web.

Round-ups of best web sites are really helpful as we sort through the overwhelm on the web. Here’s a particularly helpful post from a nursing site on the 100 Best Blogs for Healthy Parents. (Yes, we made it on their list. :>) It is divided into groupings such as

• From Health Professionals
• Nutrition and Healthy Living
• Parenting Advice
• Specifically about Daughters or Sons
• Teenage Years
• Food allergies
• Childhood illness Support and Information

Do you ever wonder how your teenager makes decisions? Sometimes a teen’s baffling behavior is a result of a decision making process that makes perfect sense to him…but leaves parents wondering.  Actually, good decision-making is a learned skill, and it’s one that parents can play a key role in teaching.

First, let’s examine why teens sometimes make poor decisions. There are several very legitimate reasons, some of which are developmental.

• Brain development: The part of the teen brain that is not yet fully developed is responsible for long-range thinking, seeing consequences for actions and the big picture.   If your teen doesn’t seem to grasp the long view or see consequences for the choices she makes, she’s not lost forever, she’s just in that stage, developmentally, where these capacities are not yet reliable.
• Social pressure: Teens value friends above all else. They care deeply about how their actions and are judged and evaluated by their peers.  It isn’t as simple as what we think of as typical “peer pressure,” the influence of a teen’s social world on his/her decision making can be much more subtle and more pervasive.
• Lack of experience: Adults’ decisions are based upon many things, not the least of which is experience. This point is simple: teens lack the experience that will help inform good decisions.   And they don’t know what they don’t know.
• Emotions: Teenagers feel their emotions at twice the intensity of adults. This emotional landscape can impact the level headedness required for good decisions.

How can a parent coach your teen to make good decisions? Think about how you make the important decisions in your life. You probably use a process*, whether you are conscious of it or not. This process, and the process that can help your teen probably includes some or all of the steps below:

• Recognize that a decision needs to be made.
• Understand the ideal goal of the decision.
• Develop a list of options.
• Identify the positive and negative consequences of the choices.
• Examine the desirability of each option
• Evaluate the probability for each option.

Teach your teenager to examine, consider and evaluate these steps when making important decisions.  Show him how you have used this process in a big decision, so it becomes a concrete process, not just a theoretical one.  By teaching them to apply a process to their decision-making they will be more equipped to mitigate the influences that can throw them off base from the start.

[10/15/09 addendum: I had already posted this piece several days ago, and yesterday when I was speaking to a group of middle school parents, a mom brought up a great question....so I'm adding the following point...]

Get concrete, then step back. One of the challenges parents face with teens is, while they can be flakey, they need to have the opportunity to make decisions. Sometimes they will do a great job, and sometimes they will create problems with their poor decisions. They need the opportunity to learn from each. One mom asked about the challenge she faces with her son as he organizes his social life. You know the scene here… your young teenager coordinates with friends – and we know how often those plans change! – and then simply expects his mom to be available to take him where he needs to go. While she tries to help out, there are times his last minute scheduling creates real challenges for her. She asked how she can teach him good decision making skills that also take her needs and schedule into account. Great question.  There are several things parents can keep in mind here: guidelines, consequences for actions, and speaking about your needs when everyone is in the right mood.

I suggested to her that she have a conversation with her son when the time felt right –  not when he is in the midst of making plans with his friends – and explain that she has her own schedule and needs and won’t always be available to accommodate him. Presented in the right way he’ll get this. Then, she can create some guidelines that might include a few key questions that he needs to cover every time he is making plans with his friends. These questions might include: “How am I going to get where I want to go?”  ”Have I asked permission?”  ”Have I given my parents plenty of advance notice?”  ”Do I have a ride both ways?” etc. I suggested she discuss these questions with her son and leave them on the family bulletin board.  This way it becomes his responsibility to answer them and have his ducks in a row well before the event. He’ll learn about planning ahead, he’ll have a framework for expectations, and some guidelines on what he needs to do.  The consequences may come into play when last minute plans cannot be accommodated by mom.

It’s a process teaching kids to make good decisions, and a parent’s approach is most effective when it empowers them and allows them to practice and learn.

*As an aside, cognitive researchers are discovering that even in adults reasoning often isn’t organized or logical but may be automatic and unconscious.   So, as you are coaching your teen, it may be helpful to revisit the steps above to remind you of your best approach.