The VampirePhiles - P.N. Elrod

Omnibus II is a GO!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 02:49:00 +0000

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I'm thrilled and grateful to announce that the Lunch Time Reading Omnibus II has gotten 100% funding through Kickstarter!

This was an all or nothing venture and over 100 patrons decided to support this project with real money.

I'm also very humbled by this.

If you've pledged, THANK YOU. I can't say it enough.

Excerpt: The all new Vampire Files novella!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 01:45:00 +0000

This is an excerpt of the novella that will be in the P.N. Elrod Lunch Time Reading Omnibus II. It is a continuation of Vampires Prefer Blonds, which appeared in Chicks Kick Butt, edited by Rachel Caine.

There are rewards, including getting a FREE e-copy of the first book whether this one is funded or not. That's starting at 10.00, so you're getting 2 books for the pledge, plus coupons to share e-copies with friends!

At the 25.00 reward level you get the ebooks AND a print copy signed to YOU by P.N. Elrod.

But the Omnibus II project won't happen unless it gets 100% funded. With them it is all or nothing.

There's only 13 days left. YOU can make it happen!

Jack Fleming, Bobbi Smythe and Charles Escott travel to a small town looking to trace the origins of a vampire who called himself Ethan Duvert.

May, 1938

Sheriff Lewis Malloy of Belford, Ohio, didn’t like me or Escott on sight, but we were all in the mayor’s house and the mayor, who owed us for a number of favors, thought we were just fine. The sheriff had to behave himself, but only up to a point. He took Kircher to one side and muttered at his honor, “Just who the hell are those ambercrombies?”

I had my back to them and was on the other side of the living room pretending to look out a window, but had no trouble hearing the conversation. Escott slipped quietly into the hall so I could focus.

The mayor made a small calming noise in the back of his throat. “Simmer down, Lew, they helped me, they helped the boys, they’re just here to tie up things.”

“That creep in the black shirt looks like a gangster. Is he?”

“No idea. Fleming runs a nightclub in Chicago—”

“There you are, then.”

“—and it was his girlfriend who found Katie Iverson and got her away from Duvert. The guy with the nose is a detective—”

Malloy rumbled a rude comment relating to Escott’s distaff parentage.

“—he thinks Duvert figured in a confidence game that he’s been tracking.”

“Howard, you don’t believe that cock and bullshit.”

“I’ve no reason not to believe it. I am vouching for them.”

“You vouched for Duvert and look how that turned out.”

“Don’t throw that to my face in my own house! I was taken in by that son of a bitch the same as everyone else and I’m still trying to figure out how. You don’t have to like either of these men, but I will take it as a personal favor if you will be civil to them. Soon as they’re done with their business, they’ll leave.”

“What business?”

“Fleming’s here to keep an eye on his girl and Escott I just said. I know that after what happened we’re all gun shy on strangers, but get off your hind legs. They’re not moving into my house, after all.”

Malloy snorted loudly enough that anyone with normal hearing would turn to look, so I did.

“Is there a problem, Mayor Kircher?” I asked, showing polite concern. Mrs. Fleming’s youngest had on his best Sunday-go-to-church manners and butter, had I been able to tolerate it, wouldn’t melt in my mouth.

“Sheriff Malloy wants to know where you’ll be staying while you’re in town.”

“Hadn’t thought of it. Miss Smythe is with the Iversons, they insisted. I saw a hotel on the way in. Mr. Escott and I can hang our hats there. We can’t stay long. I’ve got to get back to my business.”

“Which is?” growled Malloy.

He was never going to like me, but by now I was used to some people being that way. I didn’t know if they were reacting to me or if on an unconscious level they sensed the vampire side and it scared them. It didn’t matter, and there was no point antagonizing him. In Chicago I might have given him the wiseacre treatment, but being on his patch obligated me to show a respect and hope it was enough. I pulled out my wallet and offered a red business card with white lettering that declared Lady Crymsyn, Chicago’s Top Nightspot. In smaller letters were the address and phone number.

Malloy was unimpressed. “Your name’s not on it.”

“I can write it on the back if you like.” I kept to an even tone of voice, but it was a struggle. “Mr. Mayor, I expect you have a lot to look after right now.”

Kircher grabbed the opening. “You’re right, I need to get to it. You boys go on and do what you do.”

“What would that be?” asked Malloy.

I shrugged. “Escott’s the detective, I’m just along for the ride. He’ll want to see if Duvert left papers that could trace him. I don’t expect much. Con artists might avoid keeping records.”

“I want to see everything he finds.”

“No problem. He’ll welcome your experience.” I’d have to warn Escott to smile and pretend to like it. “I’ll see where he’s gotten to, excuse me, gentlemen.”

I thought I was laying it on too thick, but Kircher didn’t seem to notice and to Malloy it wouldn’t matter. Escott was down the hall, just coming from the kitchen in the back.

“Do not open the icebox,” he warned.

“Never occurred to me. What’s wrong with it?”

“Duvert never bought ice. What was there melted away weeks ago.”

I marveled that the mayor had such a big house but no refrigerator. That might change if his wife got a whiff of the rotted food. The odor that rushed out when Escott checked the box was all over the kitchen and spreading. I regretted taking in air to talk.

“Is the local constabulary cooperating?” he asked. “He did not look amused.”

“Kircher’s keeping him in line, but let’s not push it.”

“Very well. I was going to check the study next.”

“I’ll do the basement. Duvert would have slept down there.”

The entry was from the hall, not the kitchen, as I found when I opened a door on steps leading into absolute darkness. I balked and, unable to control the reaction, backed up a step. Just under four months ago I had a bad experience in a basement. It left the kind of scars you don’t see on the outside. Had they been visible I thought I’d look like that picture Dorian Gray kept so well hidden. Of course, his deformities of soul were his own fault, mine were from bad luck and occasional lunacy.

Escott didn’t know about that incident, even Bobbi didn’t know, and I wasn’t going to tell them. They didn’t need the nightmares; I didn’t need them seeing me as a grotesque cripple in want of a cage and keeper.

But Escott was aware that I didn’t like walking into dark rooms. Granted, with my night eyes that didn’t happen often, but without any scrap of light to work with I was as blind as the next guy. “The wall switch is on the outside,” he said, flicking it.

The dark vanished, along with my perfectly rational qualms.

“I’ll keep watch so you’re not interrupted,” he said.

Damn him. He’d picked up that I was wobbly. I should get more exercise and cod liver oil. I’d have to settle for exercise.

The stairs were properly finished with a rail on both walls. The walls seemed to press in, the space between narrowing, but that was just an illusion as I descended. Someone had painted them white a long time ago and it had yellowed. Smaller someones had used the unbroken expanses for artwork; crayon drawings covered the walls on both sides under the rails. I could imagine the mayor’s kids sitting on each step and patiently drawing horses, dogs, planes, and self-portraits. Their indulgent parents had not scrubbed any of it away.

All right, if a pack of five year olds could do that, then a grown up vampire could walk down and brave the rest of the place.

Kircher’s basement was a lot nicer than Escott’s. The walls were plastered, the floor was a checkerboard of black and white linoleum that had been kept polished and there were plenty of lights. It was either above the water table or he had a first rate sump pump keeping things dry.

At one time it had been a playroom for the kids. Miniature furniture, long outgrown, crowded one corner, dusty and waiting for the next generation to put in a claim. The main part of the wide, low room was for storage, same as any other basement. A few rows of folding chairs leaned against a wall. Apparently those were brought up for social events held in the big house. Rolled rugs lay on top.

The center of the room had been cleared, presumably to make space for Duvert’s traveling trunk and home earth. That one was still in the panel truck he’d taken on the hunt for his runaway bride. A second trunk of similar size remained here, and that would hold his spare clothes and papers.

It was open, which was odd. Not knowing when he’d be back, he should have closed and locked up. Come to think of it, why hadn’t the basement door been locked? That was careless.

I started to call up to Escott, but the intake of breath to do it. . .son of a bitch.

Bloodsmell.

Old, but not too old, though there was a stinking thread of decomposition in it. In the silence I became aware of flies buzzing.

My first thought was that Duvert had drained some luckless citizen and left behind a body that he’d deal with after the trip. With the hypnotic hold the bastard had exerted on the town of Belford that would be easy as hell.

Checking the floor, in case there were spots to avoid, I came around the trunk.

The man lay face up, arms spread wide. He wore a suit, but the coat and shirt were open and his undershirt pulled up to his arm pits. His eyes were open and long faded to a milky glaze. His mouth sagged as though to speak, but other than that he almost looked peaceful.

Next to the body was a heavy mallet and scattered around it were dozens of wrapped packs of banknotes representing thousands and thousands of dollars.

Sticking straight up from his blood caked chest was a wooden stake about two feet long.

It looked as though it had been rammed right through to the linoleum.

Yeah, I rocked back on my heels in shock, anyone would. I knew the guy, had been talking to him just a couple nights ago and for a second I could not take it in. You know it’s real, you don’t want it to be real, and the picture of it is going to be in your head forever.

So I looked anyplace else but at the body and that’s when I saw an amorphous dark gray blob hanging in mid air in a far corner from the lights. It shifted the way shadows don’t. There was nothing visible casting that shadow.

I stared for a long time at the unnatural thing, forgetting about the body at my feet, stared and was silent. I didn’t know what to do or think.

Then it began moving slowly, seeming to feel its way along the wall like a blind thing. It made the opening to the stairs, hovered there as though getting bearings, then flowed quickly upward.

That got me going. I hurried after, watching in fascination as it made the top with me tiptoeing as close as I dared. It almost brushed against Escott, but avoided him and continued down the hall.

Escott saw me emerge from the basement and reacted to whatever look was on my face.

I shook my head, one hand up in warning, and followed the grayness. It bumbled into the kitchen and with hideous speed slipped through the back door. I was there in an instant, vanished and shot past its resistance, re-forming outside on the steps.

The thing kept going and was much harder to see in the open. I could only track a hint of movement as it bowled along fast as a running man. I followed, dimly aware of Escott banging out the back door in my wake.

It swept across the dark street, going between houses. I couldn’t tell if it knew I was behind, but that didn’t seem likely. I almost caught up but the thing suddenly paused and rose high. I knew what was next and ducked under the thick foliage of a tree to hide. It couldn’t see me, but then I couldn’t see it.

After a five count, I risked a check. The sky was empty now.

Escott came pounding up, puffing from the dash.

“What?” he asked.

I snarled a curse and suddenly knew how Sheriff Malloy felt about interlopers.

“What?” Escott repeated.

I gave him a disgusted look. “There’s body in the mayor’s basement. He’s been staked in the heart.”

He gaped at me.

“But that’s not the worst of it.”

“And that would be. . . ?” he finally said.

“We got us another goddamned vampire.”

TO BE CONTINUED--WITH YOUR HELP!!

Omnibus II is on Kickstarter!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Sat, 09 Jun 2012 00:52:00 +0000

Wow! Big things are happening for Vampwriter Books!

I applied for and got the green light from Kickstarter to raise funds for the P.N. Elrod Lunch Time Reading Omnibus II!

Kickstarter enables a lot of people to contribute funding toward specific creative projects. In my case I want to publish the second book in the Omnibus series. I've a target amount that will pay for editing, interior design, cover art, and all the other details that go into the publication of a professional looking book.

It will be released under my Vampwriter imprint, just like the first volume, and will be available as a print book and in digital format.

People wishing to make this project a reality can contribute varying amounts to the fund using their credit cards and get a thank you reward when the project is a reality and the book published.

NO CHARGE is made on their card at the time of their pledge.

If, after 30 days, the target amount is reached, then the amount they pledged is charged to their card.

If the target amount is not reached, no charge takes place, but you'll have my thanks for trying!

There are five levels of support, ranging from $1.00 - $500.00.

A one dollar pledge is aces with me! I'm grateful for any and all support!

Higher pledges get tangible rewards:

Pledge $10 or more

For a $10.00 pledge, your name will be on a special dedication page with other $10 supporters (alphabetical order). You and 5 friends will get free digital copies of the book. It says 3 friends on the website, but I've upped it to five!

Pledge $25 or more

For a $25.00 pledge, you get a copy of the print book personally signed to you. Your name will be on a special dedication page with other $25 level supporters (alphabetical order). You and 10 friends will get free digital copies of the book.

Pledge $50 or more

Each $50.00 pledge gets two print copies personally signed to you and/or a friend. Your name will be on a special dedication page with other $50 level supporters (alphabetical order). You and 20 friends will get free digital copies of the book.

Pledge $500 or more

A $500.00 pledge gets 5 print copies personally signed to you and/or to friends to share. Your name will be on a special dedication page with other $500 level supporters.

A character in one of the stories will be named after you! (Or a person of your choice, providing you have their permission.)

The character may or may not look like you and might or might not behave in an antisocial manner if led there by the plot of the story! I will call and personally thank you for your participation in this project! You and 30 friends get free digital copies of the book.

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This is half experiment--as I've never tried this before!--and half gamble. I'm hoping that enough Vampire Files fans will join in and make it possible for me to complete this book and get it up and selling.

My target deadline for completion is October 2012, but my unofficial deadline is September. If I can haul things together ahead of schedule, I don't think anyone will object!

About 70% of it is complete. The previously published stories are scattered across more than half a dozen different books. I'll bring them together under one title and give them my "director's cut" tweaking. Writers are always tinkering, and most of you know I'm a bit of a perfectionist, always trying to make it better.

Most of will be tales from the Vampire Files, but there will be some others mixed in.

Best of all, there will be at least one all new Jack Fleming story! It will be one of the longer ones.

You'll get your money's worth! ;0)

So check it out, maybe share a link on FaceBook! Click on the title to see the page!

Hex Appeal!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 15:38:00 +0000

This is the big release day for HEX APPEAL, my new anthology freaturing nine kick butt urban fantasy stories from the best writers in the business! Available in print and digital format.

Check 'em out!

Retribution Clause -- Ilona Andrews

Bigfoot On Campus -- Jim Butcher

Holly's Balm -- Rachel Caine

Snow Job -- Carole Nelson Douglas

Outside the Box -- P.N. Elrod Introducing Marsha Madinia Goldfarb, intermediate witch, and Ellinghaus, a "Chicago Special" vampire obsessed with the Blues Brothers. Join them as they deal with a deadly public relations disaster. (Yeah, you heard that right! The last thing a top secret magical business needs is 60 Minutes banging on the gates!)

How Do You Feel? -- Simon R. Green

There Will Be Demons -- Lori Handeland

Cherry Kisses -- Erica Hayes

The Arcane Art of Misdirection -- Carrie Vaughn

Barnes & Noble

Books-A-Million

Amazon

Big Fat Supernatural Honeymoon in French! Valentine's Day drawing!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:52:00 +0000

I just got in copies of the French translation of My Big, Fat Supernatural Honeymoon.

The title lost something with Lune de Miel, Lune de Sang which means "Honeymoon, Moon of Blood"--yikes!--but the cover is gorgeous!

I don't read French, so what do I do with these? Hold a random drawing, of course!

If you would like a romantic French edition of the book--signed, of course--leave a comment before Valentine's day and I'll do a random name drawing.

Here's its page on Amazon, complete with a Look Inside!

If you can wait until Feb.20 for it to mail out, I'll see about getting contributor Rachel Caine to autograph it, too!

And I know this sounds crazy, but please fix things so I can contact you. The last time I had a winner and could not do that, so she never got her prize. I'm not out to sell mailing lists, honest! ;0)

You have until February 14!

Price drop on the Omnibus!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 05:20:00 +0000

Wow--it's been ages since I did a blog update. I've been busy writing, hopefully no one minds.

This is to let anyone who's wondered know that the vampwriter.com website is temporarily offline. I've changed over to a new host server and unfortunately uploaded the files the wrong way, and it will take too much time away from my writing to correct the problem. I already lost a whole day messing with things, argh.

It will be sorted, just not today or even tomorrow. The deadline is more important.

I still want to sell books, though, and the only links to the digital ones on Kindle are on my website.

So here you go:

The P.N. Elrod Lunchtime Reading Omnibus

Something cool: I've dropped the price from 4.99 to 3.99. Sales have been good, but anthologies don't often sell as well as novels, so we'll see what happens. The website has samples from each story, but those are unavailable for the present. Kindle does let you download a sample and it has a "Look Inside" feature, so those will have to do for now.

This book is available as a free download for Kindle Prime members.

The Devil You Know Kindle

On Nook and Smashwords

Jonathan Barrett, Gentleman Vampire Kindle Four books, one download!

On Nook

The Devil You Know E-book Coupon Weekend!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:45:00 +0000

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Mr. Jonathan Frid's birthday was yesterday and I was all over Facebook on that one. I owe him so much for his portrayal of Barnabas Collins! Few fans today realize how revolutionary it was back then to have a vampire character who had a conscience, was vulnerable, yet strong, and possessed of a fierce loyalty to protect his family. So what if he chewed on a few necks in the process? ;0)

And yes, you bet yer sweet fangs I named Jonathan Barrett after Mr. Frid!

I'm gonna (belatedly!) celebrate this wonderful man's big day with a tiny little sale on The Devil You Know ebook. Jonathan is the special "guest character" in the story!

Anyone going to Smashwords this weekend and putting in this coupon code can get the book for half off!

Smashwords has downloads for ALL e-reading devices! Pick your fave!

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/62750

Promotional price: $2.00

Coupon Code: DG62D

Expires: December 5, 2012

Cheers and many happy returns!

Do you think it is possible to write a good book if you never read?

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 17:37:00 +0000

The title is a question posed by a young would-be writer on a message board. She added that she doesn't have much of a vocabulary because she doesn't read, though she did finish a popular book by a writer whose derivative crap is selling well. She only reads when she has to. Can she still write?

My reply:

No.

Unless you get past the not-reading thing, you're never going to make it as a writer.

I doubt anyone else here will be honest with you about that, either.

You're looking for an excuse to get out of reading, yet be a writer, but that's like a composer who refuses to listen to music, or an artist who doesn't go to museums, or an actor who doesn't watch movies and plays.

I'm a professional writer and editor and will let you know you will never get a thumbs up from me or anyone else in the publishing industry unless you suck it up and start going through books like a threshing machine. I can tell who's got something worth reading and who's just phoning in a recycled version of a book they skimmed back in the day.

You are at the perfect age to start, too.

For someone who wants to write, yet not read books, it's completely ridiculous to avoid reading, so put on your game face and make the library your new second home. You will never get the vocabulary you need unless you put the words into your brain. Your brain is a sponge and starved for new stuff. Feed it.

EVERY writer I know is addicted to reading. You just never found the right books that made you want to finish them.

The big fat popular book you did finish is one of millions out there, and you'll figure out later that the writer of that book is not that good. I think the book's pretty lousy, but you love it. Why is that? Because you don't know what's OUT there!

You're settling for crappy stale bread and think it's great because you've never sampled anything better. Just for the asking you can have a gourmet meal of reading. It's all at the library. For free.

You must think you won't be a good writer, so you can blame future failures now with the "I don't read" excuse.

Well, (bleep) that!

READ.

Or begin considering a career in the housekeeping industry.

No, I take that back. I was at a writing conference and got a box of free books that I could not take home on the plane. The housekeeping lady who made up my room was thrilled to get them. She adored reading and so did her kids. I helped her load 20 books into her cart next to the clean towels. She'd share with her family because there was something for everyone.

So how are you going to write anything better than recycled crap unless you read?

You won't.

Get cracking.

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She later posted a thank you and said she'd not thought of things from that direction before. She promised to go to the library.

I hope it works out for her

Weekend Coupon for Omnibus!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 21:48:00 +0000

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Signed a rider today to my 1988 contract for the first 6 Vampire Files that will soon have them available in digital format. In the meantime, if you're jonsing for other VF stories, they're still here. Have a coupon for 40% off!

Smashwords allows downloads to all reading device apps like Kindle & Nook.

Whatever you've got, they can deliver!

Reg. 4.99

Promotional price: $2.99

Coupon Code: CE46N

Expires: Sunday October 23, 2011

P.N. Elrod Omnibus, an Ebook by P.N. Elrod

www.smashwords.com

P.N. Elrod's favorite short works available for the first time in digital format for her "Lunch Time Reading Series."

P.N. Elrod Lunch Time Reading OMNIBUS - Now a Trade Paperback!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 21:32:00 +0000

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This title has been offered for some months as an ebook and is now available as a hard copy trade size paperback from Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/P-N-Elrod-Lunchtime-Reading-Omnibus/dp/1463776632/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1315343235&sr=8-2

Vampwriter Books is working to have a "Look Inside" feature attached, but preview samples of ALL the stories are on the Vampwriter website: http://www.vampwriter.com/EBOOKS.htm

Will soon update the website to include the new cover for this book.

Hope you enjoy!

Writer Girl

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 23:51:00 +0000

I am 14 again. My parents and big sister are still alive. I’m in my room in the 1950’s shoebox house we’d lived in since I was in the third grade. The usual household noise is going on beyond my closed door.

I want privacy so I can research something important in peace.

I’d wanted to be a professionally published writer since I was 11 and that ambition is literally in my grasp.

I’m on my bed reading an issue of Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine. It cost fifty cents—which was my allowance for the week.

On the bed next to me is a battered library copy of the Writer’s Market for that year. It’s opened to the page that has EQMM’s address and submission requirements. I have them memorized.

Reading the current issue’s stories will tell me the kind of stuff they buy, which will be the kind of stuff I will write and sell to them. I want to be one of those writers.

It occurred to me that I could make a darn good living selling a story a month to EQMM. I would, in fact, be rolling in dough. To a 14-year-old limited to fifty cents a week, augmented by a dollar for every “A” on her report card, the payment of three cents a word for a five thousand-word story was a bloody fortune.

I read all the stories in that issue. I’d read all the stories in the collections at the library. I’d read Nancy Drew, Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie…I would be a mystery writer, sell a story to EQMM, and THEN people would take me seriously!

For weeks afterward I scribble on notebook paper fastened to a clipboard permanently “borrowed” from my dad’s office (the carport where he and the neighbors hung out next to his fridge full of beer). I’m writing THE story, the one that will send the editor at EQMM hurtling toward his checkbook, anxious to pay me so I wouldn’t send the story to some other magazine instead.

The writing consumed me at school. Or perhaps I wrote it in the summer, back to a wall, knees braced to hold the clipboard and my favorite blue pen in hand, words tumbling out of my ambitious brain almost too fast to write.

It was exhausting. I’d take breaks when I got tired and walk around the house, watch a few minutes of TV, maybe read a bit for inspiration, and then go back and write some more with classical music on my radio blocking out distracting house noise. That pattern of working would remain with me for life, though I didn’t know it at the time.

The story was finished. I typed it when I was alone in the house. I used carbon paper, addressed it to EQMM the way they instructed in Writer’s Market, triple-checked that I spelled the editor’s name right, included a SASE and cover letter, and then sent it out.

I wasn’t too disappointed that it was rejected. After all, every writer gets rejection letters; that was normal, so said all the books on writing. I filed the story away. (Some years later I found it, was horrified that another human being had ever read it, and quickly fed it to the wastebasket.)

I didn’t tell my parents about that first rejection. They’d not invented the term “dysfunctional” to describe them yet, but if I had shared, then I’d get a bunch of “I told you so’s” and with merciless teasing they’d never let me forget it. They knew I wanted to be a writer, but gave no encouragement. I was actively discouraged from writing. The idea was to protect me from rejection slips or something stupid like that. They had no clue of how wrong that was, but time and death cures much, allowing us to forgive.

My big sister wouldn’t have done that; she wanted to be a writer, too. I got the idea about becoming a writer from her. I may have told her. I just don’t remember. She’d have been nice about it, I know.

I got busy with other things. I was 14. Short attention span. New stuff to learn. Countless books to read. My whole life ahead of me. I was cocky, smart, and knew I was smart.

And sooner or later I’d send EQMM another story to consider, and maybe they’d buy it.

Decades later, I have to get out of my house. I’ve got deadlines, day job responsibilities to meet, writing stuff to do to press forward my tiny little publishing imprint (Vampwriter Books); there’s not enough in the bank to cover the mortgage tomorrow, the car insurance is coming due, and a few hundred other dreary, insane, and wholly stupid adult-life things no one bothered to warn me about are pressing, but I HAVE to get out of the damn house.

I don’t need it, but want it, ordering a burger and fries at a favorite eatery to screw up my arteries and add more lard to my writer’s spread. But it tastes good and I appreciate every comforting bite. To entertain my brain I’m reading the 70th anniversary issue of EQMM. It has reviews mentioning novels I want to check out at the bookstore across from the burger joint.

Later, in the store, I scan the magazine rack, then move on to the S.F. aisle, the mystery aisle, the romance aisle—the genres I love to read and have worked in for 20+ years. I’ve been published multiple times, felt that giddy rush of seeing a title on the racks, signed copies on the sly and slipped them back into their slots. Viewing the shelves full of new releases, I can’t help but feel a little pang of jealousy for those writers who seem to kick books out effortlessly, year after year. I know it’s not effortless, but that pang is never logical. I will use its energy when I get home to drive me to scrape new words from my brain and hopefully meet those deadlines and take some of the pressure off my head.

Then I recall I was to look for those EQMM recommended titles. I left my copy in the car. No problem, more are in the magazine section. I’ll glance inside, get the names and find the books if they’re here.

I reach in the back of the display and snag what feels to be a strangely thin copy of EQMM. The one I read from at lunch was a double issue, covering September/October. I have a seat, take off my glasses because they’re not good for reading, and flip pages, looking for the article.

It doesn’t seem to be there.

Check the contents, Elrod.

So I do -- and there’s my name.

It’s not the name I put on that first story I sent in all those years ago, but it’s still my name, and it is in an issue of Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine.

This doesn’t register. Where’s the article I want?

I look at the cover. It’s familiar. I was sent three author copies about a month ago. I gave one to a friend, the other two are still on my desk in their envelope. The cover’s not the one I wanted. Where’s the copy with the cover I want?

I look again at the contents page and abruptly realize…

I say “Oh, good God” aloud, and stare at my name as though for the first time.

It’s not like this should have been a surprise. I’d submitted the story last spring, and some eight months later they accepted it. Some months after that they paid me for it. The money is no longer important. It never was.

What is, is that I have in hand the proof that I wrote a story good enough for Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine to buy.

You can count it as something to tic off the bucket list or as a near-impossible life goal finally reached. I’ll pick the latter.

But most importantly of all, as I sit there on that bookstore bench…

It’s a sweet moment. I take my time.

The November 2011 issue of Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine has P.N. Elrod's story, Beach Girl.

She hopes you enjoy it. It's been a long, long time coming.

http://www.themysteryplace.com/eqmm/

The magazine is available as a Kindle instant download.

It will be up on Nook shortly.

Vampwriter Editing is Open for Business!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 15:56:00 +0000

I've hung my shingle out again as an editor!

The last time was in 2008 and not a lot happened. But things have changed in publishing as more and more new writers are uploading their works to digital hosting sites like Kindle, PubIt!, and Smashwords.

I'm no different--I've three titles from my backlist up and the books are earning money. I edited the hell out of them, proofing, tweaking and proofing again. I'm a perfectionist about that kind of thing, and it helps to have 20+ years of experience in the craft.

So I got to thinking other writers with books to upload might want to have a professional edit before releasing their words to the wild.

Where to go for a pro edit that won't cost too freaking much? That would be me.

The pitch is on the website, along with rates and turnaround time, and I DO cost a lot less than the others. The rates suggested by the Editorial Freelancers Association are also linked in, so you can compare the two.

My target market are those writers wanting a professional level edit for their baby. You get the same effort I put into the anthologies. Please, do check the names of all those NYTimes bestselling writers who have stories in them.

No, your book probably won't make that list, but it WILL read all the better for an editor's input.

To quote Amanda Hocking:

"My biggest word of advice to any new/future writers thinking about diving into Kindle: Edit. I don't care what you think, you didn't edit enough. Some people won't care that there's errors, its true, but enough of them will. And they paid for it, so they have a right to. So edit more. And then again. Really."

Sounds like a plan. Check it out!

http://www.vampwriter.com/VAMPWRITER_EDITING.htm

The Devil You Know Goes Digital!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Sun, 29 May 2011 00:34:00 +0000

Vampire PI Jack Fleming travels to Long Island to attend a funeral Problem: There's more than one body in the grave. Delving into his past, Jack follows clues leading to an old murder, new betrayals, and a hard look at the man he was vs. the vampire he's become.

The Devil You Know is a (nearly) direct sequel to book three of the Vampire Files, "Bloodcircle" and is full of spoilers for that novel. While this story can be read on its own, you will enjoy it more if you have read "Bloodcircle" first. You have been warned!

It's gone live on Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00538M1ZG

And Smashwords for all formats: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/62750

So....

What's more fun than one vampire on a case?

Two--especially when they don't like each other!

Wise-cracking, street-savvy vampire gumshoe Jack Fleming teams up with the archly genteel Jonathan Barrett, Gentleman Vampire, who's found a body on his Long Island estate and has no idea what to do about it.

Clues take Jack back to his old stomping grounds in the newspaper world, only slightly hampered by Barrett, who has his own ideas on how to conduct a murder investigation.

Before you can say "machine gun" both are up to their fangs in mobsters, murder, and mayhem in this fast-paced mystery adventure set in post-Prohibition New York.

This novel is also available as a signed, numbered, limited-edition trade paperback exclusively from VampWriter Books.

Just to be on the safe side with conservative parents, the author rates this one as having adult content because some of the characters use a bit of salt in their language.

PREVIEW EXCERPT! Check it out!

Available for immediate download at Smashwords which supports all popular reading device apps including Kindle and NOOK.

Don't have an e-reader? Not to worry, you can download and read from your computer!

Prefer a hard copy book in hand? How about a limited-edition signed by the author? Click on the cover link in the left hand column.

Jonathan Barrett: Gentleman Vampire Returns!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Thu, 26 May 2011 15:31:00 +0000

Yay--and it's a bargain!

Four novels. ONE download.

It's at Nook and will soon be on Kindle.

Check it and the awesome new cover by Jonathan's namesake, Julie Barrett!

Jonathan Barrett: Gentleman Vampire on Nook!

Website Update--New Pages!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Sat, 21 May 2011 16:14:00 +0000

Vampwriter.com has some shiny new pages! I'm gradually updating the site--not easy with out of date software, but doable.

Biggest change: pages where one may read samples from the P.N. Elrod Omnibus! Rather than 20% from the front of the book, you can read a few pages from ALL 16 tales.

And yes, this includes the NEW Vampire Files, story, DRAWING DEAD.

Here ya go! http://www.vampwriter.com/EBOOKS/EBOOKS.htm

And should anyone want to buy a copy, Smashwords has it available in all the popular formats, including the Kindle:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/59945

Okay, shameless plug of the day complete. Have a great weekend!

Uploading eBooks - Read the Directions!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Thu, 19 May 2011 18:59:00 +0000

Yes, friends who've known me for years can faint now, I've come around to ebooks as a publishing venue.

Stories that were scattered across long out-of-print collections are getting new life and new readers. Because of ebooks, my old words are earning money again. Not much, but it's early days yet.

Since the first book went up for sale on Smashwords last Sunday, it's earned more in 5 days than all the stories together have made in the last 15 years. Upload cost to me? Zero + some time stolen from other projects. (As busy as I am, I have to steal time now.)

I began with Smashwords. It has a comprehensive instruction book (free download) and sells books in all the most popular formats. I also met the guy who runs the place at the RT Booklovers Convention last April and got a positive vibe from him. These days I've learned to trust my gut just like Gibbs on NCIS.

But that aside, they were a solid business-based choice for a beginner.

Following directions for Kindles from this helpful blog, I stripped formatting from each short story by running it through Notepad, then copy/saving it as a .doc file. This takes out all the hidden stuff like tabs and blank pages. If you don't do that, their vetting software will send you an error message and the book won't be listed.

The Smashwords book tells how to prep your book in detail--so READ it until all the stuff makes sense. I was on the right track with the blog, but the book was more detailed and specific.

Smashwords' "meatgrinder" software can convert files from a .doc, but you want it cleaned up from the get-go.

I put in page breaks, but for some reason they didn't seem to translate, so I centered and put in these: * * * followed by this on the next line _______ and then the title of the next story in caps and bold to let the reader know it was time to change gears. I expect I should do the same for chapter breaks on future works.

I had to put in hanging indents and reinsert all italics, etc. again. Notepad takes them out.

This was a pain in the neck, so have a copy of your original file with italics and bolding highlighted so you can put them back more easily.

Then--and this is MOST important--read the directions on how to upload.

Sounds bleeding obvious, but you kinda have to do that to make this stuff work. I envy people who intuitively know computer tech. I'm not one of them. I have to work harder to get there. Happily, the directions are not rocket science. The file uploaded and the vetting bots didn't find problems.

Then I did the usual file checking, etc. to make sure what they would publish would look the way it's supposed to look.

Well, it didn't. Every other line was a different size font on the "page". I knew I'd not done anything wrong, so I fiddled with the font size option on the left side and hey, presto, it evened out for reading. I've assumed that works the same for others with reading devices, so I stopped worrying about it. If the formatting is a problem, I think that readers will let me know. The world is full of nitpickers. Be grateful for them.

I challenged nitpickers to "spot the typos!" I want the book to be error-free and one's best friend for that goal is an obsessive reader who loves to point out mistakes. If this describes you, proofing my book makes you my new best buddy.

If readers tell you about typos and grammatical errors, don't get mad, get busy FIXING them. Be a professional about it. There is no story so wonderful that poor spelling, typos, formatting errors, bad grammar, and a worse attitude won't destroy it and make you look like a wanking moron. Don't be one of those. It's bad for sales.

Smashwords offers "coupons" so you can send either price discounts or free downloads to specific targets like book review sites. (And free copies to friends).

Many review sites do not bother with self-published books. Despite the fact that I'm a pro with a 20-year track record and that the stories have been previously published for real money cuts no ice; this collection is still a self-published book.

Before sending work off for review, check their guidelines first. I did with one site, and while they wanted to review the book--they'd heard of me, yay!--they were upfront about not having the time. I told them to give away the free download as a prize if they liked. Free is always fun!

A few days later, with fixes in place, it was time to get the book up on the other big ebook selling sites, Kindle and PubIt! (Nook).

They each have their own way of doing things and it 's about a 24-hour wait before your book is approved and listed.

All of them will need your real name, addy, and social security number. If you sell books you're earning money and they will mention that detail to the IRS. So should you. On your Schedule C Form next April. They may also want a bank account and the routing number if you opt for direct deposit over a check or Paypal, which I did.

Again--read the directions!

Kindle required that I download their Mobipocket software to convert the book to their system. Ignoring that, I just uploaded the same cleaned up .doc file I sent to Smashwords, but quickly found that indents were wonky and it didn't look good.

I read the full directions, downloading the free Mobipocket software.

I then tried uploading the book to it to get it formatted. It kept stalling, sending me an "error" message and refusing the file. A few times the system locked up and shut down. Being a techno twit, it's par for the course for me, I only screamed in frustration once.

I read the directions AGAIN and found that I should save the file as an .htm or .html. I wasn't sure why, but tried it.

It uploaded fast, and I could see the "proof" on the website. Yay! It looked the way it should look, italics, bolds, and breaks in place.

Then I tackled PubIt!

They also like the .htm / .html kind of file, so I converted the PubIt!-specific .doc to that and it uploaded fine the first try, but I couldn't find a way to preview the file. I don't know if it came out okay or not.

But it was pretty easy.

I have a separate file copy for each venue.

Why? The front matter. This is the part of the book that tells who's publishing it and who owns the copyright. So I've one for each. Don't sell a PubIt! edition as a Kindle edition. It's just more tidy to keep them separate, like Coke and Pepsi.

Why put the same book up on all three sites?

Because more people know about Nook and Kindle than know about Smashwords, even though the latter offers the book in all formats and is user-friendly.

And I want the book for sale in as many "stores" as possible.

The book has to be the same price in all venues. You can't raise the price on PubIt! to compensate for their lower "royalty" rate of 65%. Like one's exes, the sites all "talk" to each other. If the book is 4.99 on Kindle, Nook will not accept a 5.99 price. Books will list for the lowest posted price on each site. Deal with it.

I figured 4.99 was a fair price for a 132,000-word opus. That's under half the price of a trade paperback and just over the half the price of a mass-market paperback.

There is much discussion on price points (should one sell at .99 or 1.99???), and while I agree that pricing a book at .99 makes a good bargain for the reader, it can also send the message that the book might not be worth buying simply because it IS so cheap. People are weird that way. I know I am.

Since this is a product of my own tiny little imprint, VampWriter Books, I decided to follow Dean Wesley's Smith's advice and think like a publisher: http://www.deanwesleysmith.com/?p=3940

He recommends 4.99 for a 10-story collection or full novels. As this is a 16-story collection, the price seems more than fair.

It also gives wiggle room on sale pricing later on. When the time comes for me to promote Volume 2 in the "Lunch Time Reading Series" (that's WAY down the road yet), I can drop the price on Volume 1 as part of the promotion and perhaps tempt in new buyers for both books.

But for now, I just want the book out and selling and so far this seems to be working just dandy.

For those who do not have a an E-reader, you can download the FREE reading software app to your computer and be buying Nook and Kindle titles within minutes. I have both on my computer. It's not as convenient as a little reader, but works fine for me for the present.

For those self-publishing for the first time, you'll be well aware that you may never make any sales to people other than family and friends who love and want to support you. To increase your sales to readers take J.A. Konrath's advice to heart: "Don't write shit."

And have a read of this brutally entertaining blog for the self-published. Those rules apply to pros as well as first timers.

Am I going to make 100K a year on ebooks? Dear gawd I hope so, but I'll keep writing and selling to print publishers for the time being. Like they say in the fine print on those get-rich-now infomercials: "results not typical." Believe that until your sales (if any) tell you different. Not everyone is going to repeat what Mr. Konrath and Ms. Hocking have done.

They put some WORK into it, by the way. It just didn't happen.

However, in the time it took to write this blog, another reader bought a copy of my Omnibus from Smashwords.

Now that's pretty danged cool.

P.N. Elrod Omnibus - The Lunch Time Reading Series - Launched!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Mon, 16 May 2011 02:30:00 +0000

Woo hoo! I'm feeling pretty good tonight. Months of hard work, short sleep, and setbacks you don't wanna know about are past!

My first foray into the world of ebook publication has officially begun; I've uploaded a "reprint" collection of some of my favorite short works to Smashwords. It's called the P.N. Elrod Omnibus - The Lunch Time Reading Series, and was inspired by the fact that I like to read over lunch, and a short story is just the right length to get me through a sandwich with trimmings.

It's quite a collection, spanning 15 years of writing, containing a number of different genres. Many have been out of print for more than a decade. Yikes!

All of the stories got a fresh new polish and several had some detailed tinkering and rewrites. In the case of the space opera, it got a slight change of title and doubled in length.

Fans of the VAMPIRE FILES will be happy to know that I've included an a ALL NEW JACK FLEMING STORY! Yay!

DRAWING DEAD was originally a 5,000 word scene that took place in THE DEVIL YOU KNOW, but even as I finished the scene I knew it wouldn't fit in the overall book. While it slowed the plot flow in TDYK, it works just dandy as a stand-alone story.

Smashwords has this 132,000 word collection available in a number of e-reader formats, and can be downloaded to your computer.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/59945#longdescr

If you don't have, say, a Kindle or Nook, not to worry, you can download the reader software for FREE from their websites. I have both on my laptop and can read either just fine!

About 20% of the book is available to sample read, and I think that includes the entire first story, A NIGHT AT THE (HORSE) OPERA. It's still one of my personal favorites, where vampire Jack Fleming meets Harpo Marx--and some nasty debt collecting mobsters!

Yes, this is intended as a series. As I get more stories finished, and as others come available for reprint, I'll be doing more of these collections. They may not be quite this long, but ya never know!

Hope you enjoy!

Schtuff I'm doing

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 15:28:00 +0000

According to many other writers and not a few others, I'm supposed to update my blog regularly, which is supposed to help with the promotion of my books.

Trouble is, it's hard to update when the stuff I'm doing is not particularly interesting, just part of my day-to-day work! I figure you don't want to know how many words I did or did not write on any given day, or whether I worked out the plot problem in chapter whatever. I don't care how a mechanic fixes my car, so long as the outcome means I get to drive it home.

But cool things have happened!

Yes, I DID go to the awesome RT Booklovers Convention in LA, all courtesy of the amazing and awesome Rachel Caine. I had an equally amazing and awesome time and did not make too great a fool of myself during my brief thank you speech. It seems they presented me with their Pioneer Award for "Forging the Way for Vampire Fiction Since 1990."

Which is PRETTY DAMN COOL!

I'll include a picture of it if I ever find my digital camera and remember how to link it to the 'puter.

A full post of this weekend is not possible, as 1) I'm mega-busy; 2) much of it might be of little interest to anyone who isn't me; 3) I'm still mega-busy.

I did meet--in no real order--the likes of William Link and his lovely bride Margery (Mr. Link is a co-creater of Columbo) and you're danged right I got a signed book from that man! The clever and charming Lee Goldberg, who is as nice in person as he is on his blog, editor and author Laura Anne Gilman, who demonstrated enough features about her color Nook to sell me. I didn't buy it--but soon. Re-met the charming L.E. Modesitt, sitting next to him at the awards ceremony.

That's the top of my head, I'm sure more will come to me, but in addition to meeting and greeting new friends and long time friends like Carole Nelson Douglas, I went to a number of panels, most of them to do with e-publishing, which I'm finally committing to this year.

Which is why I'm so danged busy! I learned a lot and am applying it.

At this time I am working on the first steampunk book for Tor, ON HER MAJESTY'S PSYCHIC SERVICE: THE HANGED MAN and editing HEX SYMBOLS for St. Martin's Griffin, but in odd moments I'm prepping a series of short stories to release on Kindle, PubIt! (Nook), and Smashwords. The latter is giving me my 101 course in how to format for digital books.

So, no, I don't have time for blogging!

Suffice that I'm putting up a collection called THE LUNCH TIME SHORT STORIES SERIES which will feature many of my long out of print tales. Each story is long enough to read over lunch--which happens to be something I like to do. While I love a good novel, it can run long, especially if it's REALLY good, but a short story (at 20-30 double-spaced pages) is just the right length to enjoy over soup and a sandwich.

The stories won't be double-spaced, that's the manuscript length! Most run from 8-10K words, two to a volume for .99.

I'm including something for everyone: mystery, historical mystery, a science fiction novelette, and Vampire Files tales--including a NEW story, DRAWING DEAD, which was a chapter that didn't make it into THE DEVIL YOU KNOW. It just didn't fit into the flow of that book, but works just fine as a stand-alone!

Prototypes of the covers are up on my FaceBook page, if you'd like to cruise over and check 'em out!

An interview!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 00:38:00 +0000

Well, what d'ya know--I'm not only attending the R-T Booklovers Convention next month in L.A. . . .

but I did a fun interview for All Things Urban Fantasy!

http://allthingsurbanfantasy.blogspot.com/2011/03/rt-convention-interview-pn-elrod-on.html

"Publishers" to Avoid!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 17:38:00 +0000

This post is for those who think paying to publish is how you "break in" to professional writing.

A.C. Crispin said it best in her article, "Excuse Me, How Much Did It Cost You?"

Go ahead, bookmark the link. Pass it on to other writers. From the comments I see on writing sites there's far too many people out there who don't know the basics about the business.

Ignore all the vanity, subsidy, and self-publishing services that perpetuate the lie that paying to play is perfectly normal and how it's done.

No. Don't pay. Professional writers get paid. Period. That's how it really works.

It is called "Yog's Law," which was coined by writer James D. Macdonald, a true pro who's forgotten more about writing and the publishing industry than I'll ever learn. Bookmark that link, too, and pass it to other writers who may have doubts.

Pros get paid for their words. Got it? Good.

Now that that's sorted out, let's look at the "publishers" who take advantage of the lie. It is, after all, in their best interest!

Where are they? Just do a Google-search of "book publishers" and you'll find many of the links on the results pages go straight to vanity operations. Do that same search for "children's book publishers" or "Christian book publishers" and you get minor variations of the same tune.

They have professional-looking websites and a convincing sales pitch.

Um, yes, that's right: *sales pitch*. That's your first clue you're on a vanity site. They're about selling themselves to writers, not about selling books to the public.

The next clue is a lack of titles showing on the opening page. If you go to this commercial publisher's page, or this one or this one or this one...it's pretty clear these companies have BOOKS to SELL. That's where their focus is.

Vanities usually make money selling books to their own writers. Some have hybridized to be more attractive and have a "bookstore" on the site, or they use words like "subsidy" and "partnership" but it's still all about getting money out of writers.

Red flags:

1) The company advertises for writers.

They have ads all over the net, ads at the top of search results pages, ads in magazines, newspapers, and Craiglist. Ignore those. Ads cost money and it's the writers, not book sales, that pay for 'em.

Real commercial publishers do not have to advertise themselves. Why waste money buying an ad for new writers when they get thousands of submissions a week? They're flooded with work from writers and agents who know how to properly submit work.

2) The company offers "packages."

Oh, dear, run away. The packages offer great-sounding options like cover art, editing, "availability" in bookstores, a spot on the website, promotion/marketing plans, e-book and audio book options...

They offer--at prices varying from 299.00-10,000.00 and more--the SAME stuff a commercial publisher does as a matter of course. The same stuff a commercial publisher does on their own dime AND pays the writer a nice advance to boot.

3) Their books are NOT in stores.

One thing that NONE of them can do is get your book into brick and mortar stores. They avoid mentioning that detail on the websites or potential customers would run away in droves. Instead, the lack is dressed up in the kind of weasel-wording that someone with no experience in publishing is likely to overlook. Inexperienced writers may assume that the company wants to sell books in stores and the logical thing to do is to have books in stores. It's what commercial publishers DO, after all!

But that doesn't happen with vanity sites. They do NOT do mass printings and they do not have something called *distribution*. Without it, books don't sell. Distribution involves printing 1000s of copies and physically shipping them to retail outlets. Vanities can't do that.

On one site they have a handy comparison chart of the various publishing packages. Each offers "Online Distribution" which means they list your book on their website and on store websites---and that's it. It's not enough, but they hope writers won't know that.

Just below that is "Bookstore Availability" which claims "With a unique ISBN, your book is available at XX-thousand retail outlets."

Newsflash, you can have that with a commercial house AND at less costly self-pub Print On Demand services.

All books have an ISBN with a barcode. Host sites like Amazon demand it. You can buy one yourself at Bowker.com for 125.00 or ten for 250.00. Vanities buy them by the thousand for a buck each.

"Available to." Note that last little word. That's what keeps them out of court.

I'm available to go on a wild weekend with Sean Connery and have been for the last (cough-cough) years, but so far he's never called for a date.

"Available to" a bookstore doesn't mean the same as "stocked and shelved" in a bookstore.

But what about being on a bookstore website? That has to be a good thing, right? Yes--providing the book is in stock, which doesn't always happen to books with no distribution.

There is one notorious vanity author mill that has thousands of titles listed on Amazon, B&N, Books-a-million, etc. but more often than not, the titles show as "temporarily out of print." Most buyers will shrug and move on to another book that IS available for instant ordering. If they're determined to get the title they may go to the "publisher's" website to place an order. Then they pay full price, no discount. I believe the "publisher" does that on purpose so they don't have to share a percentage of the sales with the other website.

4) There's usually a "testimonials" page.

These sites want you to know what their happy customers are saying about them. The author mill has plenty of feedback up, gakked from customers still in the "honeymoon" phase which usually lasts until the first royalty statement showing zero sales arrives. I know of several customers, who woke up, smelled the coffee, and departed, but their words remain on the site.

Just keep in mind that testimonials are a sales ploy for vanity houses and most any business with a product or service to sell. Commercial houses don't need them. They're selling books, not their services.

Those are the four basics, but the main point to remember is Yog's Law and the follow up: "The only place a writer signs a check is on the back--to endorse it!"

There's better sites with this same info, start with this one. Go there. Learn. Get yourself immunized from the pay-to-play predators!

Writer Beware's Two Thumb's Down List, Publishers: ____________

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 19:26:00 +0000

I'm always referring new writers to Writer Beware's Two Thumbs Down publisher's list Blogspot post. It is EXCELLENT.

I *was* going to do a spotlight on each of the names on that list, just to update things for 2011, a fun, 20-part series.

There were going to be quotes from their websites, links to posts from their victims, and I was going to be funny and snarky and hopefully entertaining with a fresh warning against the predators of publishing.

Well, no huge surprise, predators bite.

And that sucks.

In response to the original post I got an anonymous, untraceable comment that I interpreted as a threat of legal action against me.

There was nothing actionable on my post, only quotes and links, all easily available on the web if you put the words into a search engine.

But I can't take the chance of getting slapped with even a frivolous lawsuit. I'm sure the anonymous poster is having a good chuckle at my expense. That's what that kind does.

Yes, I caved and removed the post and you get this wimpy one instead. I have a sick dog to look after, two looming deadlines to meet, and a mortgage to pay. The "entity" who made the veiled threat of legal action against me just isn't worth it.

So, dear writers, I invite you to simply check out all the names on Writer Beware's Thumbs Down list for publishers for yourselves.

Copy the link, re-post it on your websites and blogs, let other writers know it exists, share with every writer you know.

And keep in mind that *maybe* one of the names on that list has money to hire a lawyer who can make confetti of my right to freedom of speech.

Yours, too.

Random Cock-Eyed Optimist Encounter

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 16:15:00 +0000

Why, yes, I DO run across truly outre declarations while surfing the Net for things to do with writing and publishing.

As a matter of fact, I would be delighted to share!

Here you go, someone's endeavor to become a writer:

I quit my job to write a novel. If you agree to buy it, I'll find a publisher. If not, I have to sell my soul to an agency.

Okay, cookie--quitting your job to write a novel was your first mistake. Just about every successful writer I know has a day job to support their writing habit, myself included. Writers don't have health insurance, dental plans, or weekly checks to cover those pesky monthly expenses like groceries and bills. One hopes you have an understanding partner willing to support you while you write.

If you agree to buy it,

You want me to agree to buy something you've not written? Are you on drugs? What if you're a stinky writer? Pull the other one, I'm not having fun yet. On the other hand, it's not too likely you'll ever finish, much less sell a book, so sure, okay, why not?

I'll find a publisher.

Um, you do that whether or not anyone ever agrees to buy it.

Another newsflash--just because you have a book to sell, doesn't mean a publisher wants to buy it. I know your teachers might have given you extra credit in school, but the real world doesn't operate like that. Your words have to be worth money to someone before they invest in them.

If not, I have to sell my soul to an agency.

And how is THAT a bad thing? My agent has done wonderful, amazing things for my career, what with selling my books to half of Europe, landing one anthology deal after another, and now I have 3 steampunk novels to write in 2011. She translates complicated contracts into something I can understand, snags cool things like audio-book deals, and sometimes buys me lunch. Oh--checks. She sends me checks for REAL MONEY so I can continue doing something I love.

I'm not seeing a down side here.

On the other hand, if you don't put some time into learning your craft, write every day, and--oh--put some TIME into learning your CRAFT, it's not likely any agency will want your writing, never mind your soul.

How about this for 2011? Start with keeping your day job.
Write a book.

Get it workshopped within an inch of its life and your ego's life.

Shop it to agents and publishers who sell/publish similar books you see in the stores.

While it makes the rounds, write another, even BETTER book.

Repeat steps 2-4 until you have a career.

That's what real writers DO, yanno--whether they sell the books or not. You might give it a shot. Just a thought.

See you in 2011, gang.

Meet "Arielle" -- the Sex Doll Literary Agent!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 19:29:00 +0000

Not an agent who represents sex dolls, but a sex doll who is the public face of a literary agency.

I wish this was a joke. I really do. I'm anticipating weird links to show up in my email, but it's too hilarious not to blog about.

Or too creepy. You decide.

You know how some websites will have a little animated person to walk you through things? I don't care for those, finding them annoying, but some people like them.

However, those cost money to make. I suspect the genius behind this epic fail of a sales pitch took a look at his resources--pics of a sex doll posed against various backgrounds--and a little light went off. "Hey, I can have something like those animated things and it won't cost nearly as much!"

I'm not worried that writers will actually go to this--um--agency. Anyone with working braincells knows that paying an agent a fee to sell one's book is only slightly less productive for one's career than flushing the cash directly down a toilet.

The Mocknick Productions Literary Agency is a fee-charging entity. The fees have gone from 450.00 to represent a writer to a whole 500.00 according to my source.

Fee-charging agencies are no friend to any writer.

For instance, MPLA have no pics up of any books they've actually sold. But Mr. Mocknick seems to have plenty to say about himself through his "representative," Arielle.

Who is a sex doll.

Okay, nothing wrong in that, lots of people date sex dolls. But you'd think that when it comes to business that Mr. Mocknick would keep his personal life separate. Or at least have a pro in to do Arielle's hair and makeup. Must have been a hell of a weekend!

Instead of displaying books sold to commercial publishers, this single-page website sports a series of slide show videos starring this doll--again, I am NOT kidding! Melodramatic music plays in the background as we're treated to stills of the doll with informational captions.

Now if one has even one working braincell on crack this should scare the living crap out of you because you could die laughing. Seriously, you could. I almost called 911 to get some oxygen in, and the phlegm is still making me cough.

Oh--bonus fail points: you can't watch the vids on the website. When you click play, you have to click again to go to YouTube. Doesn't that just fill one with confidence?

Beverage alert people. I MEAN it.

Hello again! Back from the hilarity? Do you need a spork, eye bleach, or a blanket to hide under? Are you laughing or creeped out? Both?

Are you even remotely tempted to toss your hard-earned money over to this person and his lovely date?

If so, then let me conduct an autopsy on some of the claims made. Gather close, gang, this should be FUN!

Mocknick: We like all potential clients to know we don't charge reading fees, but if we represent them, there's an annual contract fee of 450.00 (now 500.00).

Mighty generous of you! It's also a certainty that you're motivated (to the tune of 500 bucks a pop) to "represent" anyone who bothers to send a manuscript. While I'm sure you might reject the ingredient list from a cereal box that's been repeated for 300 pages, everything else is a potential income stream and not likely to be rejected.

Mocknick: The covers pitching, submissions, phone calls, contract negotiations (in the event of a sale) and all aspects of representation.

You mean all the stuff that other literary agents do without collecting a fee until AFTER they sell a book.

This motivates them to sell work to publishers, not sit on their thumbs collecting checks from writers. "In the event of a sale?" Yes, I'm sure a sale IS quite an event for this outfit! There's no evidence you've ever had one.

Mocknick: We inform people of this upfront, so there are no games or surprises.

Other than the slide show itself. Put up a beverage alert, why don't you?

Mocknick: According to certain websites, it is not a "standard practice" for an agency to charge upfront fees.

Yes, that would be those annoying agencies that actually sell books to publishers.

Mocknick: In reality it is a standard practice.

Indeed yes, for other fee-chargers. Oh, look--there's YOUR name on that Thumbs Down list from Writer Beware! How did that happen?

Mocknick: Most agents that don't charge fees are members of organizations that forbid them.

You mean like the Association of Authors' Representatives, a well-respected non-profit group that has standards to uphold and a quite reasonable Canon of Ethics?

Or perhaps you prefer the short-lived IILAA that rose and failed back in 2006? Isn't it funny that all the members of IILAA are also on that Thumbs Down list from Writer Beware? Hysterical.

Mocknick: What they don't mention is that these agents generally will not accept new writers unless they're already bestsellers.

Writers on any given bestseller list usually have a literary agent and are quite happy with that person's work, thank you very much.

New writers are not likely to be bestsellers, since they're looking for representation to help them sell a first book in the first place. Duh.

Mocknick: The reason?

Moving my drink well out of the way...

Mocknick: The time, effort and expense pitching a known author is minimal, while pitching an unknown in a skiddish industry requires much more.

Much more what? Horse hockey? Is that what you mean by skiddish? Is that a word? Let me look it up. Hmm. Apparently not, according to WordKeeper: Made up words : Skiddish (skittish). Maybe you meant "Scottish!" No? But I like the idea of guys in the publishing industry running around in kilts. It sure would add fun to those board meetings and long lunches!

If I am any example, even authors who have been in the industry for years can have a hard time selling a new book. My most excellent NON-fee-charging agent Lucienne Diver worked her butt off selling not one, but two different book proposals for me. It took her months, but she came up trumps. Checks are in the mail. She does this every day for all the writers she represents.

Newsflash, bub, it is not unknown for an unknown to land an agent and sell a book.

Agents are always looking for the Next Big Name lurking in their slush piles. They live in hope.

Of course, if a fee-charging "agent" can get a desperate idiot to pay 500 clams from the get-go, then the fee-charging "agent" hardly needs bother to work. That's 10% of a 5,000.00 advance--though new authors are usually given much lower offers than that. Yes, indeed, fee-charging agents are highly motivated to collect a check from writers and do nothing at all to earn it.

Mocknick: An agency that doesn't charge some type of fee for new writers will not stay in business long, so they have no choice.

You mean agencies like Spectrum (34 years), Donald Maass (20 years), JABerwocky (16 years), and The Knight Agency (14 years)? Yeah, that's some stack of epic fail, what with all those books they've sold and new authors they've discovered over the years.

Mocknick: If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Why don't YOU have any sales proudly displayed on YOUR site? Don't you have any? To real publishers, that is, not vanity houses.

Oh--wait--here's the slide show with his girlfriend, I mean dollfriend, I mean--er--uh--oh, never mind.

Arielle: (dramatic music in background) My name is Arielle. I'm just a doll, right?

You nailed that one, you ARE indeed just a doll, and considering today's job market you're lucky to have a place doing slide shows like this instead of working in specialized porn videos! (Unless that's one of Mr. Mocknick's other income streams.) I must say that you seem to be a fine product from one of the higher end manufacturers. So many others are just full of hot air!

Arielle: (forcefully, in an aggressive pose, hand on hip) Better think again!

Gasp! What DO you mean??

Caption card, supposedly from Arielle, since it's evident the voice actress will charge more for extra lines not copied from another video: I provide information to potential clients of the Mocknick Productions Literary Agency.

You do? Seriously?

They're in deep trouble then.

Caption: We accept fiction, non-fiction, screenplays, children's books, memoirs, and any works of any genre

How focused. (Not.)

--except pornography.

The last one is wonderfully ironic considering their front office face is a sex doll.

The caption goes on to provide details, ending with a picture of the sex doll wearing sunglasses. Just as well, the eyes don't match up.

At least she keeps her clothes on. Not all literary agencies who use a sex doll as their spokesperson--uh--spokesdoll--uh--whatever--are so considerate!

But let's see what the CEO has to say about himself. Why he bothers with YouTube slide shows when it's less time-consuming to just put info on the website is beyond me. I suppose he's in love with Arielle or something.

The slide show claims Dave Mocknick has been writing since the age of six, and is a produced and published author.

A "produced" author? What the hell does that mean? And how much did you pay to get published, Dave? Why aren't your vast credits and many sales listed on the website? Come on, show us your writer's resume!

He "has contact with" many large publishing and production companies.

So do I.

It's called Google.

He claims he's made the process as simple as possible; I can believe that, as instruction captions are displayed across pics of a (still fully clothed) sex doll.

If he sees potential in your work (and I'm sure a credit check is involved at some point) he sends a contract--which you return. With your fee.

Giddy galloping grannys, what did you say? A fee??

Hauling ass out of here, bub.

Violating Yog's Law is not the done thing for any writer.

Mocknick: Once you return your contract with the annual contract fee....we'll take it from there.

THAT I can believe! Straight to the bank while the check is still good--though I understand he also takes plastic for those writers in a hurry to get to the literary poor house.

I DO have other things to do today, but when on a riff, I tend to check things until my eyes bleed. I was not disappointed.

I clicked on another video featuring "Arielle" -- who is really a 4-foot tall terrorist fighter.

Um, yeah. Who works for a fee-charging literary agent.

So I'm 11 seconds into this slide show vid and there's Arielle posed cross-legged in a chair, wearing ruffled kiddie panties, a kid-sized shirt, her hair in pigtails, cutie socks on her feet, holding a stuffed dog.

A 4-foot tall sex doll dressed like a kid tripped my "DANGER, PAT ELROD" trigger, so I hit the stop button before I reached the gagging point and vomited.

Since no real child is involved in this creepy display, reporting it to the FBI is not a likely to be a productive option. I'm sure others have tried.

I will offer the opinion that this Mocknick person--if he's "beetleboy2007" --should probably not be your first choice to have as an agent in charge of your literary career. Worse things may be going on here than just charging fees.

If you're that desperate, write me, I'll help. It won't cost you a dime.

Or your self-respect.

Use It or Lose It: Support Your Local Bookstore!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 22:54:00 +0000

For those keeping up with this sort of thing, you'll already know that like every other business, bookstores are suffering under a tight economy.

If you've not been in your local store lately, you'll immediately notice they're selling a lot more things than mere books. I was annoyed to see my favorite store had created new aisles for educational toys, converted their bestseller and new release section to selling e-readers, and the "employee's recommended" tables were altogether gone to make room for overpriced e-reader accessories. Some stuff has been there for ages and become part of the background I ignore, but this year, it's really in-the-face.

I get irritated, but the stores have to diversify to stay in business. Books are no longer enough.

Online ordering has cut into profits. Why buy a new book when you can get a used one for a lot less elsewhere? I can't argue against that; I have to do it myself when my poor battered bank account is screaming in pain.

Sales of e-books are also taking a bite from their profits. Why go to a store when you can download it more cheaply from your computer? Save some gas and a tree!

I'll likely do that too, though I won't get an e-reader for some considerable time. I have 300 hard copy books I need to read first. Plowing through them will allow time for those reader prices to drop.

But bookstores have other things to offer--especially to me. I use mine as part of my writing routine. When I get stuck, I go to my favorite and just hang out. All those millions of words can't help but have a positive effect on me, whether it's inspiration from a much-loved writer or another internal declaration "I can write better than THAT!" when glaring at hack work that somehow made it to the bestseller list.

I love my local store, though it is part of a mega-chain. They have good people working hard there, most know who I am, and they keep my books in stock. Certainly I don't want that to go the way of the dodo just yet! I browse, letting my mind soak in images and titles at random, not something I can do on a computer. I bring a notebook and jot stuff down for later, hoping it will develop into a new story.

Which has happened!

My glimpse for a half a second of a book cover in the mystery section sparked the idea for the new steampunk series I'm now writing. That couldn't have happened had I been at home staring at a screen. I need that store. There are few in my area, and the indie-stores I used to go to have vanished, unable to compete.

Now the mega-stores are in danger. The warning signs are as clear as those brightly packaged toys that are filling shelves that once held books.

Let's not wholly give up buying books in stores in favor of convenience. Get out this week and visit a bookstore. Check the bargain bins for Christmas presents. Meet a friend there, have some overpriced coffee, cruise the aisles.

SHOP!

Buy something.

Use it -- or we ALL lose.

Dark and Stormy Cover Art Awards!

noreply@blogger.com (P.N. "Pat" Elrod) — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 16:44:00 +0000

This is almost too cool!

The cover for DARK AND STORMY KNIGHTS by CHRIS MCGRATH has been included in the ALL THINGS URBAN FANTASY 2010 Cover Awards.

I hope everyone will go vote and that the votes will be for my book in its category, but please---do filter out the text and names of your favorite writers and focus on the ART.

In this venue, it's all about the ART, not the words, so vote for your favorite image!

ALL THINGS URBAN FANTASY