Zenith, their zenith
Is over and done.
Time has passed and healed her, somewhat
Though the hollow of her belly still
Fights, protests
Wanting their glory restored.
The truth is that theirs was the most beautiful love,
A precious, wonderful thing
That painted her existence in vibrant ways
She’d never imagined before.
Their love filled her soul with joy,
Just as it touched his face with the smiles and laughs he’d lost—
But this vision, their future
Is gone, its tragic ending something they have yet to fully comprehend;
It’s the story they both played into,
Loving as richly and fully as they could.
For now, they will need to find other means,
Some solace in the wreckage they’ve left behind.
And so she stares quietly over their desolate landscape,
Hearing echoes of a melody that once blared throughout a blooming world
As she clutches the tiniest morsel of hope
In her hand. For what, she isn’t sure yet,
But she knows he is out there, their love lingering forever in her heavy heart,
A crystalline memory she will hold
As long as she can.
She takes a breath, lifts her head
And, keeping her fingers wrapped tight around hope,
She sets out across this dusty expanse,
One foot, then the other
Once more.

“You are the love of my life,” she says.
She is crying to him, reasoning,
Trying to feel her way around this heartache
That even he isn’t ready—or willing—to face.
They are broken, this pair,
The perfect love shattered
By a stupid, stupid move,
A sharp stab out of nowhere
That’s desecrated the vision they both had
Of what this could be.
When he tells her again he loves her,
That he is always there, ready to catch her
Just like before, as if nothing has changed,
She is struggling to understand
How he never got it.
How he, the lover, the man of promises
The one who knew her better than anyone else
Or so he thought,
He who saw everything that no one else could
Or so he claimed,
Is standing there insisting everything is going to be all right
If she lets it.
They are desperate words, she knows,
Him hoping the bitter end isn’t right there in front of them,
That they can grasp something, anything
A remnant of what they shared
As if their love was just a momentary, tangential vacation
In the once beautiful story of her and him,
And this reality crushes the blistering ache of her
Already bleeding heart.

“X’s mean everything”
Is what she’d told him,
Little reveals of his love
When he couldn’t be near.
She’d never expected them from him,
But with her, he’d been a lover,
Devoted through and through
And every time he sent them,
They were the simplest thing that somehow
Managed to spread her heart further open,
A radiant flower blooming to reach more of the sun.
She clung to the x’s like his real life kisses
Despite the naysayers
The doubts, the fears
That’s why she’s startled when she sees them
In his sporadic notes now—
These little promises of love that contradict
The chaos he has run them through
The distance he has put between them
The everlasting silence echoing around her
When she reaches out for him and calls his name,
Because he is no longer really there
Not for her.

When he calls her to tell her,
She thinks it’s a mistake,
That surely, after all they’ve been through
All he’s said, this can’t truly be.
She’d built armor around her heart for a lifetime,
But for him, she stripped it away,
For him, with his generous love
His perfect kiss
His repeated promise that she could let go
She did,
And now she is drowning,
Slipping deeper into an ocean
Of murky waters
Flowing too fast into her windpipe,
Choking her as he cries and explains himself,
As he insists he loves her, but
He doesn't know what to do.
She is sinking,
Her heart frozen in time
A statue in the middle of a gloomy and cold winter landscape
That’s been sneaking in around them
So slowly, they didn’t notice
The frost dampening the air
For a long time now.
She thinks this as she hits the bottom,
Their love the burden carrying her
Down, down, down,
A body shifting with the current
Among silent tufts of algae
As the world at the surface of this ocean goes on
Without her.

Vastness stretches between them
A distance somehow growing larger
With every step they take.
It’s not for lack of love
But for the infinite problems
They are rapidly going to need to face.
She tells him how much she worries now,
Speaks it aloud as they cuddle in her bed,
And her once strong voice sounds meek to her
A breathy, sorrowful thing:
“What if we can’t, my love, what if we won’t, what if…?”
He kisses her cheek before
Lifting up her chin,
Staring at her with love that reaches inside her soul,
Willing her to hear him when
He tells her, “All this worrying is a
Waste of a beautiful mind.”
The words soothe her heart to a calmer, more joyous rhythm,
But when he says again that they’re going to be okay,
She knows there is no certainty in life,
This is becoming more and more clear,
And these words he says are just words,
Things that she treasures
But that he sometimes promises without
Knowing if he actually can.

Under the water he leads her,
A shower to wash away the sweet smell of their love
As much as the tears that have escaped down her cheeks.
He swipes at them, pulls her close,
His heartbeat steady through the wall of his chest and
Communing with the wild pace of hers.
“I know you hurt. I know that’s how you look at things,
But I don’t. Just…”
He shuffles his feet until his hips are tighter to hers
And he stares at her with eyes she wants to drown in as he says,
“Kiss me.”
She loves it when he says this,
Loves the way he can almost make everything okay again
As if nothing else, beyond this moment
Matters when it comes to them.
So she’s quick to press her lips to his,
Letting his kiss sweep her up
His fingers stroking along her back
To draw her nearer, always nearer,
His wet skin on hers feels too good
Too sweet, and as the kiss speeds and deepens
And their breaths grow windy,
Both of them are pining
For one more fuck
One more hold
One more whisper of the love they share.

Time is flying too swiftly by
The end getting close
Disintegrating her heart like it was made of sand—
A million little pieces blowing off in the distance
Every time she waits to see him.
When he arrives, he’s all smiles and kisses.
He tells her, “We’re going to be okay,
It won't be any different,”
And she vows to lose herself in his arms again,
In deep kisses that stoke the fire of her soul
Reminding her of why she loves him
Of why she risked this
And how good he can make her feel
Like he does now,
Telling her of some new adventure ahead
As he kisses her temple
And draws her into his embrace.
She hears the voices of her friends
Telling her she is brave, feeling this
Doing this,
But with the ache bearing down inside her,
Unsettling her as much as it does
She isn’t sure she feels the same.

She believes in words
And promises
In the power of the human heart,
Following dreams and
Making your life everything
You want it to be.
To her, hard is not an absolute.
Hard is breaking patterns, setting yourself free,
Treating those you love with the biggest of love
If you expect them to give it back;
Most minds are fickle, but she isn't—
Not with love
Not with him.
Always, he told her,
Always I will be here, love you, hold you close
But now she asks questions that require real answers,
Not placating, soothing things to give her peace of mind.
That isn’t real.
She wants their spring back,
Their bright, blossoming future,
The moments when everything felt safe, and new,
Warm and alive
Not this mysterious nebula fraught with
Puzzles, omitted truths, and hang ups
For which the best solutions seem so painfully obvious
To her.