Point Five

DDOS Attack: Still Down

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Wed, 03 May 2006 10:45:56 PDT

A massive DDOS attack out of Saudi Arabia on Hosting Matters took out Point Five. Also, Instapundit, Captain's Quarters, and a few other blogs you may have heard of.

I suspect from checking around that they were going after aaron's, who has been hacked several times.

Hosting Matters is still working on getting the regular site back up.

Since we haven't posted anything good for at least two weeks, I suppose this is a good as time as any.

POINT FIVE AINT HERE

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Fri, 30 Sep 2005 21:47:31 PDT

Point Five is here.

Oh, How I Wish To Kill All Spammers

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Fri, 30 Sep 2005 18:05:04 PDT

Well, it looks like this Friday night is going to be spent deleting the avalanche of spam that has taken down Point Five.

So much for all the great posts I had planned... looks like everything will just be the regular old crap from here on out.

Point Five Down

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Tue, 30 Aug 2005 16:02:37 PDT

Looks like a large Denial of Service attack may be brewing. Problems on AT&T lines all day long(?)

At least from my DSL line here at the office, unable to connect to Mudville, OTB, Captain's Quarters, Wizbang, Instapundit.

Michelle Malkin, Jawa okay.

Blogger is up (obviously).

Server Down At Point Five

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 06:47:55 PDT

Hosting Matters server is down. Must have been all the traffic from the Carnival, which, despite all my way-too-many emails still didn't get the Puppy Blender to link to it.

Heck, he probably decided to finally check it out this morning, and is getting a timeout.

Lovely.

So all the great funny I'm planning for today will just have to wait until my server gets fixed.

Probably by then, the hot, fresh comedy will have decayed into the regular helping of crap we usually serve up.

Okay, I Guess It's Time Now

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Mon, 25 Jul 2005 11:30:00 PDT

We're going to start posting over at the new Point Five.

That's http://pointfiveblog.com!

Update your blogrolls! Or use this as the perfect opportunity to drop us altogether!

Goodbye "free."
Hello "I can't believe I'm paying money to waste my own time."

Bush Graces Triumphant Cover Of Newsweek

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 10:26:15 PDT

In the midst of all the partisan bickering that fills talk radio and the internet, it's easy to forget about the real legislative advances that are working their way into law, completely beneath the radar.

Newsweek highlights one such victory in next week's issue. Check it out:

Linked on Wizbang, MVRWC.

Hillary Accuses Roberts of Not Lying About Beliefs

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 13:56:00 PDT

Sen. Hillary Clinton on Friday harshly criticized Supreme Court nominee John Roberts over his failure to lie about his deeply held beliefs.

"If one is going to claim to keep 'deeply held beliefs,' the Senator believes they should be kept, well... deep," said George Baker, a spokesman for the junior Senator from New York. "Sure, these beliefs exist. Sure, they're part of an overall plan to reshape America in her-- I mean, his-- own image. But they should be reframed, packaged, perhaps even contradicted in a brazen move to the center. But never be revealed!"

The Senator said the Robert's failure to create a "mainstream, centrist" characterization of himself in the popular imagination was a sign of "deep narcissism and dangerous transparency."

She further criticized his judicial decisions, claiming that they were heavy-handed, judgmental and "legalistic."

She also noted that Judge Roberts had a peculiar lack of "unexplained deaths" surrounding him. She hinted at perhaps a sinister explanation, since, in the America she knows and loves, "people you know just start dropping dead all over the place."

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Mudville, OTB.

Go Give The Therapist Your Prayers

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Fri, 22 Jul 2005 09:03:27 PDT

The Therapist is dealing with the impending loss of his father.

Go visit.

On The Passing of 'Scotty'

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Hawking) — Sun, 24 Jul 2005 17:52:41 PDT

Press ► (play) on the player below to hear Stephen Hawking's post:

(Note that due to Prof. Hawking's advanced intelligence, he does not always subscribe to our shallow understanding of decorum or common decency - listener discretion sometimes advised)

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

OTHER INSIGHTS BY STEPHEN HAWKING:
On The Space Shuttle Launch Delay
On The Bombing Of London
On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1
On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution

Linked at Mudville.

Critics: Al Qaeda's Remake of 7/7 a Bomb

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Thu, 21 Jul 2005 18:23:43 PDT

Joining the ranks of other summer disappointments, including Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Bewitched, and War of The Worlds, the 7/21 London bombing is being assailed by critics as "derivative," "unremarkable," and "lacking the punch of the original."

Industry experts believe is the first-ever terrorist "remake," signaling an important shift in the War On Terror, as Al Qaeda seems to have lost the creative jihadi fire that originally took them to the top, and now are just basically throwing a hodgepodge of tired ideas against the wall and hoping they stick.

Point Five's film critic, Rex Randall, noted: "None of the original cast was available for this production. Most of the actors in the original plot were blown up at the end of the last scene. The creative team behind the original are for the most part in custody, or on the run. It feels like this one was just made in a shameless rush to make some quick violence."

But military analyst Buck Dawson sees a dark side to the attacks. "If Al Qaeda is starting to adopt Hollywood-style techniques, then this conflict is about to go to a brand new level. There's not an intelligence agency in the world that will be able to keep track of their finances. And we've seen what they can do with boxcutters, can you imagine if they were to get their hands on the script for Baby Geniuses III? We're talking thermonuclear diaper gravy."

Al Jazzeera was unable to respond to our offer for comment, but they did promise us we could "do lunch" at a later date.

Radicals Launch Second Set of London Attacks

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Thu, 21 Jul 2005 12:57:00 PDT

Four bombings shook London today, In an eerie repeat of the 7/7 attacks, three subways and one bus were hit. Fortunately, the bombs did not take any lives, and the manhunt is on for the bombers.

Terrorism experts are in wide agreement that today's attack was an exploratory strike, meant to gauge the anger level of western countries in the face of ongoing terrorism.

"When the coalition forces went into Afghanistan after the 9/11 attacks, American anger level was at about 7% Pissed Off on the Johnson Scale." The Johnson Scale is a widely used indictator of Western vengeance levels.

With the attacks of 7/21, it is believed the level may be raised to 8% Pissed Off.

"Al Qaeda appears to have adopted a strategy similar to that dumbs**t friend you had in fifth grade, who thought it was really funny to tease the neighbor's Rottweiler by poking it with a stick."

America has not gone above 23% Pissed Off in modern history, which was reached when America dropped two nuclear bombs on Japanese civilians to prove an important point about starting a war with the greatest nation that has ever existed.

The only time America ever reached 100% Pissed Off was in a time completely lost to history, over 523 million years ago, when the Original America got pissed off at some particularly irritating trilobytes. The resulting retaliation is widely known as "The Precambrian Mass Extinction", and was responsible for the elimination of 90% of all life on Earth.

So keep it coming, Al Qaeda "Masterminds."

You may think you are detonating bombs, but you are really only lighting a very slow fuse.

Get The Real Story:
Michelle Malkin has a running roundup, Rusty asks if might not fit the IRA M.O., Wizbang, The Anchoress has remedial help for those who wonder why we fight.

Carnival Of Comedy Finally "Movin' On Up"

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Thu, 21 Jul 2005 11:45:32 PDT

The Carnival Of Comedy's investment in a cleaning business finally paid off, as it has relocated to tony new digs in IsFullOfCrap, out of the IMAO ghetto.

Visit and die!

I mean, laugh.

China Drops UNOCAL Bid, Makes Offer on Supreme Court

noreply@blogger.com (The Evil Emperor Mindstation) — Thu, 21 Jul 2005 13:20:18 PDT

Outraged over their failed plan to purchase UNOCAL, Chinese officials, determined to own a controlling interest in America's future, have announced their intent to engage in a hostile takeover of the Supreme Court.

The purchase comes at an ideal time for China, as the general tenor of the court will tip precipitously pro-American with the confirmation of John G Roberts as the 109th justice of the court. It is believed that Beijing believes ownership of the court will allow it to fire whichever justices do not give it special favor in rulings on "open trade, gross polluters, and the rescinding of all worker safety and child labor laws."

In an heroic effort to stop communist infiltration, an American corporation has made a counter-bid on the court. Calvin Klein has tendered a $3.5 billion offer, and promised to move the Supreme Court to its "Live Billboard" located in New York City. The live billboard is currently home to about 40 models who are paid to simulate a 24-hour party, two stories above the city streets.

"Think about it", said Calvin Klein representative Joseph Gutenberg, "Instead of partying models, pedestrians will now be able to view live Supreme Court hearings, and experience the justices as they go about their daily lives. And if you think models know how to party, wait until you meet Ginsburg!"

The company has said that the new "Courtboard" will primarily be used to advertise new law-themed products, such as Calvin Klein's Obsession v. Ralph Lauren Blue.

Bystanders at street-level will also be treated to a special glimpse of what lies beneath the judges' robes. Wide-brim hat vendors are expected to experience exponential profit increases as their headwear comes into high demand due to its peripheral-vision-obscuring properties.

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Mudville Gazette and OTB.

Dem Dirty Tricks in Roberts Nomination

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Wed, 20 Jul 2005 13:43:19 PDT

A broken fax machine in DNC headquarters delayed Democrat talking points receipients from "formulating their own opinions" on the John Roberts nomination last night. The delay gave Republican spokespeople a slight edge in the opening salvo of what promises to be a contentious battle to replace the open seat on the Supreme Court left in the wake of the retirement of jurist Sandra Day O'Connor.

The Democrat Meltdown Meter, buried deep within an "undisclosed location," inches ever closer to red with the announcement of John G Roberts as Bush's SCOTUS pick.

Point Five gained exclusive access to a Democrat planning session as the minority party discussed how to bitterly oppose the nominee, who most at the meeting described as "very well qualified" and "an extremely nice guy."

"Outrageous!" said one top Democrat operative. "The Chimp has a lot of nerve nominating Roberts, who we have very little against. Injecting that kind of twisted moderation into a politically charged environment like a judiciary battle is just another reason for us to oppose Bush and his cronies."

Chuck Schumer pressed hard his "won't answer questions" line of attack, but most at the meeting thought that Roberts refusal to answer questions such as "What is my favorite color?" and "What famous actress am I picturing right now?" didn't rise to the level of hysteria neccessary to block the nomination.

Linda Huron, who represented abortion-rights organization NARAL at the planning session, said, "Abortion. Abortion, abortion, abortion. Abortion abortion. Abortion abortion. Abortion!"

As much as all present agreed with her input, it was decided that her elaborate plan was perhaps a little too narrowly focused to "capture the imagination of the American people."

However, the dour mood changed to elation when Sen. Ted Kennedy, in an act of extreme selflessness, bravely offered up his own record to replace Roberts' in the confirmation battle. After which, all assembled seemed to agree that the fight had taken on a new life.

The Democrats have decided to attack Roberts on the following points:

Roberts was kicked out of Harvard for cheating.
Roberts is ranked second on the Book of Lists "Most Dangerous Clowns"
Roberts is a raging alcoholic whose slurred speech and reckless rhetoric makes him ill-suited for the court.

When Point Five asked about the difficult of changing a lifetime's worth of records for the two men, we were met with a blank stare. "Changing whaaa?"

Get The Real Story:Linked on Mudville and OTB

Gynecologists React to Tancredo's "Nuke Mecca"

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Tue, 19 Jul 2005 08:01:30 PDT

After Congressman Tom Tancredo stated on Florida talk radio that he thought an appropriate response to another attack against America might be to nuke Mecca, gynecologists are reporting record levels of new pregnancy among their red-state clients. It is believed that the thought of nuking Muslims sends the average conservative voter into a frenzy of sexual passion that cannot be contained.

Social scientists use this device to gauge sexual reaction to various stimuli. Images of violence against Muslims send most conservatives off the scale.

"We're not quite ready to say that definitively," said Dr. Marvin Lamstein, a Miami OB/GYN. "But there's clearly a trend. Our data show an almost exact red state/blue state overlay."

Linda Stevens, of Peace Action Now!, was happy to offer her opinion. "It's all about conservatives repressing their sexuality, so it comes back out as violence. So when Tom Tancredo starts talking about nuking a bunch of innocent Saudis, everybody in Jesusland gets horny. It's sick."

"We're not repressed," said Syd Olanski, lead guitarist with the Christian rock group Guns 'N' Marital Love, stroking the barrel of his Glock M-22 .40 S&W. "There is nothing more exciting than the committed love between one man and one woman, performing the unitive act in the sanctity of their conjugal bed. Not two men together. Not two women. Not two men and one woman. Not three women and one man. Not two guys, two girls, a domination trapeeze and an oiled chihuahua.... Excuse me, I need to get to the shooting range."

The Point Five editorial board sent out our cub reporter, Jimmy Jacobs, to investigate. As usual, Jimmy was reluctant to help our with our little experiment, but he is easily intimidated and eventually relented.

Jimmy took a set of graphically sexually explicit flash cards into a deeply 'red' neighborhood to gauge the reactions of typical conservative Americans. After knocking on hundreds of doors and confronting whomever answered with a randomly selected card, Jimmy returned with his fascinating results.

By far the most popular response was 'Punch in the mouth', at 47%.
'Groin kick' came in a distant, but respectable second at 26%.
'Door slammed on fingers' occurred at a rate of 14%.
'What the hell are you showing to my daughter' weighed in at 12%.
'Mmmm... who are you, little boy?' yielded just one response, from a 73-year-old Marlon Tucker, who followed Jimmy back to the Point Five offices and had to be escorted out by police.

Jimmy refused to return to the neighborhood with a set of flashcard depicting various high-caliber weapons, but we're certain the results would have been very different.

Get The Real Story:I suppose the real question is whether we are in the War On Terror, or in a prolonged attempt to avoid it and perhaps circumvent it. Daffyd at Captain's Quarters analyzes, Hugh Hewitt wants an apology,
LaShawn says its a kerfuffle and defends, Jawa Report is asking for feedback.

Bush Vows That Plame Controversy Won't Humiliate MSM

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Tue, 19 Jul 2005 08:04:29 PDT

President Bush today promised reporters that their relentless harping on Karl Rove in connection with the leak of the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame would not end up making them look like fools.

Speaking at a press conference with Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, he reassured reporters that unlike stories relating to the TANG memos, Koran desecrations at Guantanamo Bay, the Downing Street Memo, the Iraq-Al Qaeda connection, "the abortion," John Kerry's supposed intellectual superiority, "the sole justification for the war," or the Al Qaqaa munitions dump, this controversy is not likely to fizzle or backfire upon them.

He invited members of the press to continue their attacks, saying "nucular" three times in a row just to remind them how far superior they were to the Most Powerful Man on Earth.

He also reiterated his promise to fire anyone guilty of committing a crime in the Plame case, which quickly cleared the room as reporters rushed out to file reports on what they believed was a 'gotcha' moment for Karl Rove. One reporter leaving the news conference was overheard wondering out loud, "could there be anyone stupider than Bush?"

Get The Real Story:
Linked at Mudville , OTB, MVRWC.

NY Times Demands Miller Be Transferred to Gitmo

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Mon, 18 Jul 2005 13:19:29 PDT

As Judith Miller begins her second week in a Virginia jail, NY Times Executive Editor Bill Keller said Monday that "the food has not agreed with her and we have been trying to impress on her that she needs to eat. We have been hammering that in."

He is joining an angry chorus of supporters who are demanding that Miller be transferred to the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, where her delicate temperament will be better served.

"Judith is especially partial to Baked Tandouri Chicken Breast, Mustard-Dill Baked Fish, Lyonnaise Rice, and Fish Amandine. The grey-green slop offered in Virginia just doesn't compare."

Also concerning her supporters is the hip-hop and rap music videos normally played on the prison television. "Judith would much prefer the individual video screens offered at Gitmo."

As a reporter for the NY Times, Keller believes Miller is "uniquely suited" to being classified as an "unlawful enemy combatant," which would qualify her for a trip to the Cuban detention facility.

"We believe that Judith would quickly learn the techniques of spitting, feces-throwing and holy-book desecration that is common among prisoners at Gitmo. You only need to look as far as her writing to see that."

As to being splashed with urine through an air vent, Miller said, "Judith never brings her personal life to the office."

Video Image of Roman Polanski To Be Extradited

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Mon, 18 Jul 2005 07:16:22 PDT

A shocking surprise disrupted a London courtroom on Monday, as British police stormed the chambers and made an unexpected arrest.

Claimant Roman Polanski was using video link technology to testify in London while remaining safely in Paris in his libel case against Vanity Fair, over the magazine's allegations that the director seduced a woman on the way to his murdered wife's funeral in 1968.

But British police were able to seize the video monitor containing the image of Roman Polanski, and are now preparing to extradite it to the United States, from where Polanski fled after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl.

The monitor will soon be on a flight to the US, escorted by armed officers, to begin serving the sentence that Polanski fled in 1977.

"Imagine turning on your computer, and instead of the Carribean island wallpaper you had on your desktop, there's nothing but the cold walls of a prison cell behind your program icons. Well, Polanski's going to be staring at that image for a long time."

It is not known whether the incarceration of Polanksi's image will affect him in other media, such as television or print. As interview requests have poured in, his attorney's have offered no comment.

One thing is for sure, the 13-year-old girl known only as 'CuteMonica' in the 'Horny Teens' chat room on TeenSpot is going to have to find a new 'FranticMan.'

Working On The New Site

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Sun, 17 Jul 2005 08:30:05 PDT

Sorry, no time for content this morning. Working on the new site, which we hope to get up and running sometime in the coming week. Problem is, our plans keep getting more elaborate and byzantine. We'll probably have to do a gradual phase-in of our more elaborate plans (in other words, "give up").

In the mean time, visit these sites and give them a little extra traffic. (Every visitor counts. And that's about what I'm offering. A visitor. So since you're the only one, how about getting on board, eh?)

Doug at Waking Ambrose tries audioblogging. I read the story, but I'm determined to listen to the audioblog before I comment over there. Probably won't get to it 'til late tonight. Why don't you beat me to it?

Dymphna has a little fun with the word Undermining.

Patriot Xeno offers an excerpt from the Book of Xeno.

Dr. Phat Tony continues a story that he started sometime during the middle ages.

Conservative UAW Guy has access to a really big gun.

Another week in the can. Point Five Out.

Nuclear Experts Calm Fears Over China Threats

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Sat, 16 Jul 2005 17:14:42 PDT

American nuclear scientists gathered today in an amazing show of solidarity to calm fears, after China's chilling threat to use a nuclear strike against the United States.

Gen Zsu of the People's Republic of China said in a speech on Thursday:

We . . . will prepare ourselves for the destruction of all of the cities east of Xian. Of course the Americans will have to be prepared that hundreds . . . of cities will be destroyed by the Chinese.

The truck mounted WO-13 "Fragrant Triple Green Jade with Multiple Warhead" nuclear missile

Gen Zhu was chosen to speak for the Chinese because they believe his name will "strike fear into ordinary Americans," based on their research into the American psyche via extensive study of comic book villians. Zhu is a self-acknowledged "nutjob filthy commie" who has warned that China could strike the US with long-range missiles.

But America's nuclear scientists have struck back with hard science.

"The nuclear strike against us would seem fearsome at first," said Dr. Roland McNurtry. "But it is well-known that Chinese radioactivity leaves the ecosystem within just a few hours. No matter how full our soil and rivers seem with deadly fallout, we would find ourselves ready to absorb another strike long before our next meal."

Scientists believe that the unique admixtures and methods of preparation of Chinese nuclear devices may have something to do with their short-lived potency. "We expect a level of general discomfort lasting from 30-45 minutes for the average American."

He noted however that some sensitive individuals might find themselves with a mighty headache. He said his group was recommending a large scale MSG detection network to help alleviate this danger.

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Wizbang, Mudville

On The Space Shuttle Launch Delay

noreply@blogger.com (Stephen Hawking) — Fri, 15 Jul 2005 08:02:27 PDT

Prof. Hawking offers his insight and wisdom on physics and life every Friday on Point Five.

OTHER INSIGHTS BY STEPHEN HAWKING:
On The Bombing Of London
On The Probing Of Comet Tempel 1
On The Theory of Relativity
On Fetal Stem Cell Research
On The Future of The EU Constitution
On the Viability of Wormholes

Moral Debate: Procedure Makes Monkeys More Human

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Fri, 15 Jul 2005 16:30:10 PDT

The insertion of human stem cells into monkey brains runs a "real risk" of altering the animals' abilities in ways that might make them more like us, scientists said today.

The research has set off a debate among medical ethicists over where the boundaries of their research should lie, and forced them to ask questions about when science has gone too far.

"Does this cage make me look fat?"

Already, the monkeys receiving human brain cells in the study have gone from curious, fun-loving creatures, to weight-obsessed, television-addicted blowhards with an almost insatiable hunger for internet porn. Most of their vocalizations have been centering around the relative merits of various Ipod playlists. They refuse to eat their regular diet of bananas and leafy greens unless they are certified organic, and several have begun a macrobiotic diet intended to "purge the system of toxins."

Worse, when one of the researchers dropped a cell phone in the enclosure, the monkeys refused to give it back, and instead yell loudly into it on an almost continual basis.

The final straw for the scientists was when the monkeys grabbed clipboards and labcoats and started studying them.

"We've learned that for the most part, monkeys are assholes," said Dr. Marlon Briggs, head of the research team. Dr. Briggs claims that he was purposefully left off the invitation list to a party held last Friday at one of the more popular monkey's cages. "Tinkerbell thinks she's hot s**t just because she slept with Grayback," said Dr. Briggs, "but wait until she finds out that Lucy spent Tuesday night in Grayback's cage. Bitch."

Although some scientists expressed concern that these genetically enhanced monkeys might take over the world, the researchers involved in the study were not worried. "They've begun forming rudimentary political parties. This not only gives them an appropriate outlet for their legendary feces throwing, but also assures complete gridlock in any planning for world domination."

Get The Real Story:
Linked on Outside the Beltway and Mudville Gazette.

Pope Condemns Harry Potter

noreply@blogger.com (The Evil Emperor Mindstation) — Fri, 15 Jul 2005 08:06:20 PDT

Pope Benedict XVI, in a just published letter that was written before he became the 265th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, criticized the Harry Potter children's novels, calling the books "subtle seductions that... have a deep effect and corrupt the Christian faith in souls even before it could properly grow."

His comments have sparked an uproar among Harry Potter fans.

"This attack against us cannot be tolerated. We are not a bunch of crazed Satan worshippers," said a woman who identified herself as Morning Autumn, as she proceeded through the intricate rituals necessary to place a curse on Pope Benedict. She was part of a large crowd of dorks congregated around a downtown Seattle bookstore, awaiting the Friday release of the 6th book in the Harry Potter series, entitled Harry Potter and the Late Onset Acne.

The furor has forced the Pope to clarify his statements to indicate that his main objection to the books is not "the charming witchcraft and wizardry," but that Harry Potter is "too racially impure". The Pope, however has said that his opposition has nothing to do with the he time spent in the Hitler Youth, involvement that was entirely coerced, and "just one of those crazy things we German youth were doing at the time."

"Zis Harry Potter. He is black hair and green eyes. Much better would be the blonde hair and blue eyes," the Pope said through his spokesman.

The Vatican provided this photoshopped picture to Point Five, with a note from Benedict XVI saying, "I like the unique scar on Harry Potter's forehead, but I felt it was backwards, and there should be two of them."

- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.

Administration Meltdown Over Rehnquist Replacement

noreply@blogger.com (a4g) — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 15:26:28 PDT

Top sources have revealed that open war has broken out within the Bush administration over the replacement for SCOTUS Chief Justice William Rehnquist, whose retirement is being widely discussed in the wake of his hospitalization yesterday.

Administration officials ask what is most essential in a potential justice, age or race?

Although still mum on his future on the court, it is widely believed that Rehnquist will step down in time for a new Chief Justice to be confirmed for the court's next session.

But within the administration, hard lines have been drawn from different factions over what sort of man should replace the ailing Chief.

"We have to replace a Scandinavian with another Scandinavian," says a top advisor to the President, who is leading the charge for Michael Luttig, whose Scandinavian-sounding name brings solid Norse credentials.

But an equally vocal faction has arisen that believes that it is most appropriate to appoint an octogenarian, ailing man to replace the octogenarian, ailing Rehnquist. "You replace a Thurgood Marshall with a Clarence Thomas, if you know what I mean. And while the American people don't want to hear words like 'quotas,' we feel that they'll be most comfortable with a justice who will wear a cap and walk with a cane."

That camp is supporting actor Charlton Heston, born just three days after Rehnquist on October 4, 1924, who they believe will be amenable to cap-wearing and cane-assisted walking.

The Heston group was pleasantly surprised when informed by Point Five of Heston's strident support of gun rights, but disappointed by our further explanation that he was suffering from advanced Alzheimer's. Still, they remained undaunted.

One thing both sides could agree upon. They weren't going to let judicial philosophy or temperament get in the way of the selection of a racially and age appropriate replacement for the court.

Get The Real Story:

Linked on Mudville Gazette, Basil's Blog, Beltway Traffic Jam.