Polar Trippin'

Become a fan of Polar Trippin'!

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 06:26:00 +0000

Polar Trippin' now has a Facebook Fan Page!

Friends through Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 02:03:00 +0000

So much has changed in the three years that this blog remained stagnant as a result of a lost password. One of the major changes is the state of social networking on the Internet. Polar Trippin' was created when the mainstream was unfamiliar with blogging, Web 2.0 and all of the social networks that have now become a fixture in our culture today.

Today, I talked for the first time with a friend I found on Facebook. I have never met her in person, although we did attend the same high school. Over the last several months we have been exchanging emails offering support and sharing experiences dealing with our commonality, bipolar disorder.

It was strange at first. Especially, since I am an introvert at heart. But, by the end of the conversation we had shared the most intimate of details. Sharing all the gory details that typically scar all of the women that bear this illness . . . alcohol and drug abuse, sexual indiscretions, medication juggling, tortured friends and family and the negative stigma that hangs around our necks like an albatross.

So, I welcome the advent of modern day social networking. I would have never shared any of the gory details of my life with her had we not established a level of trust through Facebook. Now, I not only have another vehicle of support, I have found a kindred.

Sharing just a little more DUI misery

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 20:34:00 +0000

If for no other reason than to avoid attending 10 weeks of Fairfax County DUI ASAP classes. . . DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE HERE.

I've got about two more months to go of my "rehabilitation" and, true . .at least I'm not in jail. But, if these photos don't dissuade you from passing on that second drink then you must be able to tolerate misery far better than I.

I found another photo on my iPhone this afternoon and decided to start a Flickr set to chronicle this unbelievably boring journey. I have been enjoying days off from the classes because of the holidays. But, when I ran across this photo reality was back in my face.

This photo was taken while our instructor read articles about drunk driving that he had found on the Internet. Yes, it really is as depressing as it looks.

The heartbreak of a DUI

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 20:37:00 +0000

I mentioned in an earlier post that I managed to add a DUI to my list of proud life accomplishments. After my husband told me he wanted a separation, I was a basket case. I was driving around the neighborhood at 7:00am looking at town homes and apartment complexes, working myself into a blubbering mess.

I decided that a few beers would make the pain go away and purchased a six pack from a grocery store. I was down to beer number 5 when I was pulled over for stopping in the middle of the street, trying to figure out where I was. So, long story short . . .the officer immediately smelled the beer. I fessed up, told him what was going on and broke down in his arms. He felt bad for me (thank god!) . . .so much so that he just tossed the pipe and bud of pot he found in my console.

Anyway, a word of advice . . . .don't get a DUI in Fairfax County in northern Virginia. It is an immediate suspension of your license for an entire year, mandatory group therapy twice a week for 4 months, weekly alcohol education classes given by the county for 2 months and thousands of dollars for fines and lawyers fees.

I'm about half way through the ordeal. Not all of it has been bad. I actually really like and respect the group therapist . . .I may continue to see him after I've completed the mandated number of sessions. But, there is no greater pain than the government run alcohol education classes. A stereotypical example of a bureaucratic debacle. Weekly we show up and watch boring videos in a nondescript room with cheap chairs.

I snapped this photo with my iPhone last week. I think the picture says it all.

Strolling down mental memory lane

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 20:05:00 +0000

Wow . . . I just finished reading this blog after re-discovering it after 3 or so years. And, honestly, it was quite therapeutic. Therapeutic because as fucked up as my life is now with my marriage in shambles and a DUI hanging over my head I actually believe I am more stable now than I was when I first started this blog.

One the the most striking differences is the reduction in the number of medications that I take. I can't believe I was taking so many psychiatric drugs! Still wrestling with the love/hate relationship with Zyprexa, I now only take it when I feel mania gnawing at my sanity. I still take Lithium and Cymbalta but the anxiety and anti-seizures medications are no longer a part of my regime.

But, my favorite treatment is a trip up to the gym. I have discovered, for me, one of the best salves is exercise. A 45 minute stint on an elliptical machine works wonders for me. I actually can liken the effects to how Zyprexa makes me feel, even better.

But, while, I think I am doing better than I was when I created Polar Trippin', I am still haunted by the evil lure of alcohol. Between Christmas and New Year's Eve, I experienced a mini-breakdown and holed myself up in my apartment with several bottles of wine. I did nothing but drink by myself. . . .nothing to eat, talked to no-one .. . just drank myself into oblivion. It was just as horrible as it sounds and a total waste of my life. It was pathetic and embarrassing. When will I be done with alcohol?

I'm back

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 09:24:00 +0000

When I started this blog in early 2007, I intended for it to be a sounding board for my struggles with bipolar disorder and alcoholism. I'm not sure how I managed to forget my password to blogger as well as the email account I set up on Yahoo, but I did it. I never meant to stop writing, I just couldn't get into the account.

Then, out of the blue and almost 3 years later . . .I remembered! I just completed deleting 3 years of spam comments scattered throughout my unguarded posts. But, in addition to the spam, were legitimate comments and emails from several people that share my viewpoints. I'm sorry I didn't respond. I just couldn't. To those that sent me email and made comments . .. please forgive me!!! . . .I hope that you understand I was not purposefully ignoring you!!

Not a lot has changed with my condition. I'm still as bipolar as ever. But, the marriage took a beating and I am now separated from my husband. I also managed to aquire a DUI and am dealing with all of the legal hassles that come along with it.

I won't try to catch you up on the last three years of my life in a single post. But, check back and I'm sure you won't be disappointed. I'm so glad I remembered that password!

When the cat's away . . . .

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 00:37:00 +0000

Tonight I dropped off my husband at the airport. For three days he will be on the other side of the country. He has been refraining from much travel since my last hospitalized manic episode last fall. I typically don't do well when he is out of town on business. Usually, a night he's gone equates to a first class ticket to drunkenville.

But, thank god, I am feeling differently now. I think that being on the Zyprexa allowed me to experience "rational thinking" for a change. All of a sudden, the idea of tequila shots first thing in the morning now no longer holds such attractive qualities.

So what will I do tonight? I still feel a bit of anxiety because I'm alone. But, I think I'll just read, relax, smoke pot, chat online with random people . . .the usual.

Zyprexa Withdrawal

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 20:58:00 +0000

I think that the Zyprexa is completely out of my system now. After a bout with depression, I believe was part of withdrawal, I feel like my old self again. Well, my old self but not manic.

I'm also thrilled that my thinner former self is back. I dropped 8 pounds in two weeks once I stopped taking the Zyprexa. That was easy.

And how do I feel mentally?

Well, I can definitely identify the type of thinking, my thinking, that caused me to go crazy a few months ago. Only this time, I recognize it as abnormal thinking. So far, so good. I've even had no problems with alcohol, which I thought would be an issue.

I just finished creating my resume. It's time to get out of this house.

Spring is here . . .how will I hadle it?

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 12:35:00 +0000

Spring has traditionally send me over to the other side in terms of my stability. It;s been a little rainly lately, so I've been painting and mulling over what exactly it is that I want to do with my life. I thik it needs to be someone art realated, but not sure which application I shoudl choose.

I also need to think about getting a temp job. It's not goot to stay and home and not have any friends. I need to create. An with this energy surging in as the zyprexa seeps out, I think I might can do it.

www.polartrippin.blogspot.com

Speed

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 20:37:00 +0000

I've been taking a lot of Adderall lately. We just got a new prescription in so my husband has been a little more liberal with them. (I'm not allowed to hold my own prescription . . .I would take them all, for sure)

Anyway, that's how I ended up having to come clean about the Zyprexa. He called me and asked if I had been taking all my medicine, especially the Zyprexa. I asked why he wanted to know and he just said I had a habit of forgetting my medicine when I was doing speed. So, I took the opportunity and confessed.

He is terrified.

Crap

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 19:15:00 +0000

I just had to tell my husband I stopped taking the Zyprexa. He said "I reserve the right to end our marriage . . ." if I go crazy. I said I would take it again before I would let that happen.

But, for now . . . I have to go clean.

Waiting for my weight

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 15:24:00 +0000

One thing that hasn't changed as quickly as I wanted once I ditched the Zyprexa, is the return of my girlish figure. While I'm certainly not "fat," I missed the svelte 5 foot 7, 130 pounds that was quite low maintenance. But, I succumbed to the hunger that the pill breeds and put on almost an extra 20 pounds. I really believe it is like eating little mini cheese burgers.

I just weighed myself and am now at 140. Yes, it's better than the 146 I peaked at a few weeks ago, but I won't be satisfied until I'm at 135.

Yes, I know it's only been five full days since I stopped taking it. But, we bipolar girls gravitate to extremes and I'm ready to see it in my waistline.

Oh well, at least no alcohol cravings today.

Feeling like the old me . . . not good

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 03:30:00 +0000

Today is the first day, since I secretly stopped taking my Zyprexa, that I craved alcohol.

Not good. It was that same totally occupying draw that was always there before. It was back, so familiar a feeling. In fact, I gave into the insanity and had a couple of drinks at a neighborhood restaurant while waiting for my order to go. My husband smelled it on my breath and I denied it. But, we both know.

I cannot go back to that life. I have no desire for it. It is repulsive. It is horrifying. It's insane.

So, I am making a pact with myself now. If the sick desire creeps back into my head again, the first thing I'll swallow, as much as I don't want to, is a Zyprexa.

Feeling better

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 15:36:00 +0000

Well, two days without following doctor's orders and not taking my Zyprexa. I feel more energetic and less hungry already. I figure if I start wigging out, I can always pick up the prescribed regimen. But, my gut tells me that I am making a good call.

Boy, will my doctor be pissed!

I think the worst is over

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 22:32:00 +0000

The last few days have royally sucked. I had forgotten just how powerful of a drug Zyprexa can be. All I have wanted to do is sleep and watch TV. Is this better?

I think not. And, I think I'm going to stop taking it. I like having a personality and energy to get out of bed.

Tonight, I'm palming the pill. I can't tell my husband. He would totally freak out if he knew I was going to do this.

It's not so bad being a little crazy, is it?

Noooooo!!! Don't make be go back

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 14:50:00 +0000

I am in the horrible position of being caught between a happy energetic and creative life and a calm, content, drugged life.

I was cursed with the dreaded "ran out of medicine" situation. I, nor any bipolar person, wants to find themselves there. It is playing with fire, temping insanity. But, it happened because our mail order service didn't mail it out on time and my prescription ran out. I tried to get the pharmacy to give me a few emergency doses until we could have the doctor call in, but insurance wouldn't approve, so it was just a mess. Anyway, the fact of the matter is I have been without my Zyprexa for about 5 days now. And, I feel great.

I feel more energetic. I feel more creative. I don't want to eat constantly. I am happy. I want to have more sex. I am excited about the future. I am me.

But, the pharmacy just called to let me know that they finally got it approved and it's ready for me to pick up.

I have to go back tonight. I don't want to.

You win some . . .. . you get fucked

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 06:28:00 +0000

Yeah, so, since I've been on Zyprexa, I've gained the seemingly mandatory 20 pounds within my first 6 months.

But now, even with extra pounds in tow, I think more clearly, sleep more soundly, finish more projects, and have felt better about myself more strongly than I remember in a really long time . . . and I'm talking like way back to childhood days, grade school era . . . . . . Oh yeah, and let's top off this medicinal love fest with the fact that I just enjoyed some fucking awesome sex with my husband. (now snoozing at my side)

Still, can't I deal with a few extra pounds? Am I that vain to hold up all of the benefits offered before in the balance?

Yeah, I guess so. I hate being fat.

Green Prozac

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 19:47:00 +0000

I recently posted a question on Bipolar 4 All about marijuana use as a treatment option. My response was more negative than positive. Honestly, I was surprised. I thought for sure there would be more support.

One member sent me a link to several articles focusing on the pros and cons of pot as it relates to mental illness. One article in particular did give a positive nod to cannabis as an option for both depression and bipolar disorder.

Mental Marijuana

.

Wearing me out

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 19:20:00 +0000

I was reading through email sent to me by various organizations informing readers about development in the treatment of bipolar disorder. While there was no earth shattering news to get excited about, I did run across an interesting clothing line.

These garments are known as "BiPolar Wear." Judging from the models on their website, it looks like they cater to skateboarders and underground rock groupies in their late teens or early twenties. Most of the shirts have "bipolar wear" splashed across the front with a pair of antonyms on the sleeves, for example "love" on the right arm and "hate" on the left.

Interesting concept. . . . use an incurable illness as the theme for a line of clothing.

Gotta go . . . . I need to get to work on "Psoriasis Wear."

Pot is your friend

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 04:06:00 +0000

I smoke pot. And, if I have a lot of it, I smoke a lot of it.

I truly believe that marijuana possesses properties capable of calming some of the emotional storms always present in a bipolar mind. Well, at least it does for me anyway.

What a shame that such a kind plant would be made illegal. For me, as an alcoholic, it is simply nonsensical that alcohol is legal and marijuana is not. Pot never came close to obliterating my life like rum and coke did. If anything, it served as a deterrent from wanting to drink.

I tried to get my doctor to prescribe legal marijuana it to me. But, I guess I was not convincing enough presenting my case.

I would love to know if other bipolars feel the same way about weed.

Drug Dealing

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 18:59:00 +0000

Interested in my current mix of mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, sleeping pills, etc? No problem. Here's my list of daily dosing and a few comments for each prescription.

Risperdal
Risperdal is the latest addition to my fistful of "happy pills." As I explained in an earlier post, it was my savior against an onset of extreme anxiety, and most likely, a manic episode. But, this time, other than playing doctor and medicating myself with a bottle of vodka, I called my doc. I have only this one experience using Risperdal. So, I'll blog about my next need to use it. But, so far, it has performed it's job with flying colors.

Buspar
Buspar was my first prescribed remedy for anxiety. I know this drug works wonders for me. How, you ask? Well, recently I suggested to my doc that I was on an inordinate amount of meds. He agreed and we began the tweaking process. We revised the dosage from 20mgs twice a day to "as needed." Within 4-5 days I was a basket case. It didn't take long to welcome Buspar back into my personal family of pills.

Cymbalta
This anti-depressant was a life saver for me about a year ago during an extremely stressful time. I noticed depression creeping its way into my behavior despite the mood stabilizers I was taking. After seeking help from my doctor, Cymbalta came through as my knight in shining amour. I went from not being able to get out of bed to tackling my situation head on. It did the job, and after a year has gone by, I am still downing this little pill.

Ambien
Ambien has been in the news lately because reports of people sleep walking/eating/driving have been flooding in. I have not experienced anything like this using the sleeping pill, only wonderful restful nights. I don't take Ambien every night, just when I need it. And definitely need it when I take Adderall.

Trileptal
Trileptal is not approved for the treatment of bipolar disorder. It's purpose is trained towards epilepsy and the prevention of seizures. For whatever reason, I serves as a great mood stabilizer as well. I have been on trileptal longer than any of my other meds and it has served me well. Recently, we reduced my dosage in half from 1200 mgs per day to 600 mgs. I noticed no change. But, I also began taking up lithium which is most likely picking up the slack. I also use Trileptal as a sleeping aid occasionally.

Lithium
Ah, the tried and true salve for all bipolar woes. When I was first diagnosed as bipolar, they immediately suggested lithium as a course of treatment. Then, I refused to believe that I could be mentally ill and flatly denied the prescription. After a horrific manic episode landing me 20 days in a mental ward, it now makes my list. I was prescribed Zyprexa at the same time lithium was added on. So, I am not sure which drug is most effective or if it is the combination of the two. All I know is that I am pleased with my current mental state. So, I guess you could say I like it. What a difference 10 years makes.

Adderall
Okay, okay, I'll admit it. The only reason I have this ADHD medicine is because I tried one of my teenage daughter's and fell in love with it. I went to my doctor and explained that I felt it was a miracle drug for me. My doc is pretty cool and gave me a script. I take it about every other day, fully aware how addictive it is. But, I believe the effects of the medicine are worth tempting my addictive soul. So far, so good.

Zyprexa
Last, and certainly not least is Zyprexa. Zyprexa was my first experience with an atypical anti psychotic. Used for the treatment of bipolar maintenance and schizophrenia, it joined my army of meds after a disastrous manic episode that propelled me into psychosis. At first, I hated it. I felt flat lined, dead, boring. I didn't think I would be able to deal with it for long. But, finally I got used to it and now I really like "being calm." I can think more clearly and insignificant happenings in life don't send me through the roof like they used to. I am very thankful for Zyprexa.

Does this seem like a lot of pills? Well, you are correct, it is . . . even my psychiatrist agrees. But, it is the result of not being able to get a grip on this tumultuous illness. And, if it keeps me out of crazy land, I'll keep popping.

Respirdal rocks!

noreply@blogger.com (PolarSta) — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 03:01:00 +0000

Biting raw anxiety domineered my thoughts and feelings over the last few days. Unease, apprehension over nothing clung to me like the steam in a sauna. Choosing to call my doctor, as opposed to picking up the bottle, I begged him for help.

Deep down in my evil self somewhere, I was hoping that he might prescribe some Ativan or Klonopin. Thankfully, he is smarter than that. After seeing me through a 28 day stint at Father Martin's Ashley, he knows better than to offer me something addictive.

Instead, he prescribes Respirdal. Respirdal is used for the treatment of Schizophrenia and for BiPolar mania. Whatever it's for, it took only two pills to bring me back to a safer earth.

Now that I am calm and content, I look back and wonder what was happening. Was I about to launch into another manic episode? If I had drank, most certainly, my day would have ended up differently, like in a hospital. But instead, I'm blogging about my successful treatment.

I guess it also helps to have gulped a few Adderall this afternoon as well.