Political Clips

Hope: It Could Happen To You

2008-08-15T21:06:00.001-05:00

Airing now on MTV and Comedy Central. Good commercial.

Arrogant Obama

2008-07-31T16:37:00.001-05:00

Rove says, "He thinks he is a better father than all of you." Funny.

Hey There Obama

2008-06-20T22:25:00.001-05:00

Cool song.

Hiding Tortured Prisoners

2008-06-18T22:58:00.003-05:00

Documents release by Sen. Carl Levin, D-Mich., who chairs the Senate Armed Services Committee yesterday show that the Bush Administration, knowing that it was torturing prisoners and violating international law, hid prisoners from the International Committee of the Red Cross.
clipped from www.mcclatchydc.com

From http://www.mcclatchdc.com:

The U.S. military hid the locations of suspected terrorist detainees and concealed harsh treatment to avoid the scrutiny of the International Committee of the Red Cross, according to documents that a Senate committee released Tuesday.

Regarding the ICRC, the United States long has complained that other countries such as China or the old Soviet Union prevented independent access to prisoners or made their conditions look better when outsiders were inspecting. The Bush administration appears to have engaged in similar practices, however.

Pollster Ratings

2008-06-18T22:50:00.003-05:00

FiveThirtyEight.com is ran by a man named Nate Silver, a University of Chicago Economics alum. In his spare time he developed comprehensive historical database that could project the future performance of any pro baseball player by matching him to a comparable predecessor--down to, like, his height, his weight, his career singles and the size of his home stadium. Called PECOTA, it's now recognized as the most accurate baseball forecasting system on the market.

Nate has now turned his sites to Political Predictions. He takes state polls and averages them like all the other sites. But he weights each poll based on the historical accuracy of the pollster and the historical voting patterns of the state's demographics.

With each site update he runs 10,000 simulations and posts the results. Currently, Obama wins 74.7% of the simulations. His current electoral vote count shows Obama with 332.8 votes and McCain with 205.2 votes.

He publishes how each pollster ranks in historical accuracy. This is useful when you are looking at articles like this that show a surprising lead for Obama in 3 swing states. The pollster, Quinnipiac, ranks in the top third of historical accurate pollsters. So there may be something to these polls.

Hope vs. Fear

2008-06-17T16:45:00.004-05:00

Sam Stein writes about McCain's embrace of Bush's 2004 talking points. What I liked most about the article is it points out the differences between how the GOP handles terrorism and how the Democrats would handle terrorism.

The GOP use terror as a useful tool that helps them win elections. They beat the fear drum to help get out the vote. I believe they over-inflate the actual threat from terrorism for their own benefit.

From Sam Stein:

"In October 2004, Sen. John Kerry, in an 8,000 word article in New York Time Magazine, was quoted saying that the way for the U.S. to feel safe again would be for terrorism to not be 'the focus of our lives,' but rather a 'nuisance.'

''As a former law enforcement person,' said Kerry. 'I know we're never going to end prostitution. We're never going to end illegal gambling. But we're going to reduce it, organized crime, to a level where it isn't on the rise. It isn't threatening people's lives every day, and fundamentally, it's something that you continue to fight, but it's not threatening the fabric of your life.''

Bush, predictably, pounced on the remark. The president and his surrogates painted Kerry as dainty and soft on terror - unable to understand that criminal prosecution wouldn't deter al Qaeda. Never mind that, as FactCheck.org documented, Bush too had made a similar remark:

'I don't think you can win [the war on terror],' he said, 'but I think you can create conditions so that the--those who use terror as a tool are less acceptable in parts of the world, let's put it that way.'"

I agree with Kerry. Terrorism can't be the focus of our lives. I think the Democrats put Hope back on the table but the GOP continues to serve Fear.

Why I Volunteer For Obama

2008-06-17T16:13:00.005-05:00

I came across this quote today.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
-- Edmund Burke
-- Irish orator, philosopher, & politician (1729 - 1797)

It explains why I spent hours on GOTV calls in 2006 and why I volunteer so much this year. I was dismayed by the results of the 2004 election. We can't let that happen again.

Unlike most elections, 2004 wasn't an election of left vs. right. It may sound like hyperbole but I think it was an election of good vs. evil. It was an election that determined whether the United States would become more like China and the former USSR or whether we would continue to be the champion of freedom and human rights around the world. We chose poorly. I think most people realize that now. I think Obama represents our best chance of cleaning up that mess and restoring our image around the globe.

I do believe this election is about left vs. right but the left needs to win to bring the right back to their senses.

Finally A Coordinated Response

2008-06-13T09:55:00.004-05:00

Obama's campaign set up a new web site yesterday to respond to the unprecedented amount of internet rumors that have spawned against him. Most of the rumors come to me via e-mail from Republican friends and family that never bother to investigate the information they get in their e-mail. They read it, believe it, and then click 'Forward'.

ABC News Correspondent Jake Tapper talks about the new web site on his blog:

This fits in with a theory we've discussed on this blog before -- that some Republicans seem to feel that the only way they can win this election is by sliming Obama with unfounded innuendo and personal attacks, instead of the ideas, experience, and proposals...

He is absolutely correct. I think all campaigns turn negative eventually...especially if you are losing but the Republican base seems to be on a never-ending negative campaign against whatever Democrat is getting headlines at the time.

I have to admit that I am a little disappointed in the number of rumors he has chosen to respond to. There are so many and he only responded to five.

Blue Balled

2008-06-12T00:24:00.002-05:00

Truth Through Action is a new political organization founded by independent filmmakers in New York. They create edgy short films and online videos that support the Democratic Party. They're being distributed for free on video sharing websites like Youtube.com.

Here is their premiere film. Funny.

An Electoral Tie?

2008-06-04T15:54:00.004-05:00

As noted in my last post, there is a possibility that the election could result in a tie. Here is how a tie is decided.

The next House of Representatives will select the President. However, instead of each representative getting a vote, each state delegation will get one vote. Currently, the Democrats are the majority in 26 or 27 states. They are expected to pick up seats in November so they should remain the majority in at least 26 states.

However, they may not necessarily vote along party lines. Some house members may feel pressured to vote with the winner of their states popular vote.

The Vice President will be picked by the next Senate with each Senator getting one vote. The Democrats are expected to pick up seats in the Senate so they would presumably pick a Democrat for the Vice Presidency.

It is also possible that an elector can go against the will of his state and switch sides when the Elector's vote on December 15th. In which case, that lone elector will decide our next President.

My Electoral Predictions

2008-06-04T15:27:00.003-05:00

Using a tool from the Washington Post I made my predictions for the final results in 2008.

I think Obama will win Nevada, New Mexico, Colorado, and Iowa. These are states won by Bush in 2004 but only by a few percentage points. I gave Ohio and Florida to the GOP although I think Obama has a shot at winning in Ohio.

My prediction gives Michigan and Nevada to Obama even though current polls suggest they both lean towards the GOP right now. If the GOP wins Ohio and Florida then Michigan becomes a must win for Obama.

You can make changes to this map right from this blog post. Just click on a state to toggle it between Democrat, GOP, and Neutral. You can return my predictions by selecting "Your Saved Picks" from the list.

It is interesting to note that if you start with my picks but then give Colorado to McCain then the race results in a 269 to 269 tie.

<p><strong>><a href='http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/interactives/campaign08/electoral-college/'>Electoral College Prediction Map</a></strong> - Predict the winner of the general election. Use the map to experiment with winning combinations of states. Save your prediction and send it to friends.</p>

Early Electoral Map

2008-06-04T14:56:00.007-05:00

It seems fitting to go ahead and analyze the electoral map now that Obama has clinched the Democratic nomination and the general election has begun.

Electoral-vote.com takes the average of polling data for each state and predicts a winner in that state. It's early in the race so many states have little polling data available. Some states polling data is very old.

Right now they predict a fairly easy win for Obama. I'll post changes to this map on occasion.

	Pickups (vs. 2004)	Electoral College Votes
Obama:	CO IA MO NM OH	287
McCain:	MI	227
Tie		24

Warren Buffet on the Economy

2008-05-28T22:39:00.002-05:00

Warren Buffet, joins another famed investor, Jim Rogers, in predicting a long hard recession.

From the Associated Press:

"I believe that we are already in a recession," Buffet was quoted as saying. "Perhaps not in the sense as defined by economists. ... But people are already feeling the effects of a recession."

"It will be deeper and longer than what many think," he added.

GOP Embarassment

2008-05-16T16:39:00.001-05:00

The Cook Political Report is an independent, non-partisan newsletter that analyzes elections and campaigns for the US House of Representatives, US Senate, Governors and President as well as American political trends. It's meant for Washington Insiders. Their subscription prices are unreal. But they post a few free articles every month that are always excellent.

I liked this article. It points out most of the problems I have with the GOP and suggests that the GOP has finally realized these mistakes as well. I also liked the line that suggests tax cuts had risen to near sacred significance.

Don't get me wrong, I like tax cuts. But tax cuts when paired with increased spending just seem like a horrible idea.

Based on conversations in the 23 states that I have visited since the beginning of this year, many Republicans are horribly embarrassed by their party's positions and actions on fiscal policy, foreign policy, and social policy. Furthermore, many Republicans feel that their party has lost its ethical compass.

Few rank-and-file members can defend the fact that the Bush administration turned the balanced budget created during a Democratic administration into a sea of red ink. Republicans in control of both the executive and legislative branches elevated tax-cutting to near-sacred significance while turning a blind eye to out-of-control spending, a set of priorities that made no sense.
...
Scandals at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue, meanwhile, sullied the GOP's image. And although most Republicans originally supported the president's decision to go to war in Iraq, many more now question the strategies and tactics, and bemoan that the U.S. went in with too few forces and no occupation plan. Party members also acknowledge that the United States has squandered the global respect and goodwill that arose from the 9/11 tragedy. Finally, they voice disappointment with the GOP's emphasis on social, cultural, and religious issues, pointing especially to the controversies over the Terri Schiavo case and over embryonic-stem-cell research.

Although former Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan is hardly representative of any group other than perhaps the brightest economists in the world, when he noted in his book that he sometimes doesn't recognize his own party, he could have been speaking for millions of fellow Republicans.

Drugging Detainees

2008-05-16T16:35:00.001-05:00

Sadly, this doesn't surprise me.

From Reuters:

The U.S. government has injected hundreds of foreigners it has deported with dangerous psychotropic drugs against their will, The Washington Post reported on Wednesday.

Fixing the GOP

2008-05-16T16:31:00.002-05:00

If you think the GOP has lost their way the only way to fix it is to vote for Democrats -- even if you don't agree with the Democrats. You can hope that a series of losses will force the GOP to return to its roots and eventually you will have the opportunity to elect new Republicans that truly believe in balanced budgets and small government.

If you think they have lost their way but you keep voting for them anyways you are just reinforcing their bad judgment.

After a series of losses and grim outlooks for 2008 elections I think the GOP is finally getting it. Here is an article that takes the composite views of several GOP "leaders" and outlines a six-step plan for building a winning party once again. I put "leaders" in quotes because I don't think the GOP has any actual leaders.

Step 1: Have an idea or two
What a concept. They spent the last 4 years that they controlled Congress voting on Gay Marriage Amendments, Flag Burning Amendments, and other wedge issues to help insure their re-election in the fall. There were no substantial votes on things that actually matter like health care or energy policies. They did pass a ban on online poker. yay.

Republicans desperately need to cook up some new ideas and craft an attractive agenda to have any chance of success.
...
Voters no longer think lean government, smart and strong defense, and good old-fashioned family values when they think Republican. They think reckless spenders, misguided war and hypocrisy. Republicans “don’t have a vision,” says former House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-Texas).

In 1993, when Hillary & Bill were trying to pass socialized medicine the majority of the population was against it. The GOP did nothing to fix health care. Costs skyrocketed. Now the majority of the public is for universal health care. By offering no plan, no vision, and no leadership the GOP has doomed us to universal health care.

Bill Frist, the former Senate majority leader and now a visiting professor at Princeton University, also recommends the “big idea” approach. His prescription: “Take on health care in a way that focuses on consumer-driven health,” providing “a contrast to the big government of Democrats.”

What's that? A Health Care system driven by consumers and the free market? Wow. What a good idea. Too bad you didn't think of it 6 years ago when you could have passed that legislation with ease. But with Democrats in control of Congress for the foreseeable future it doesn't stand a chance no matter who wins the presidential race. But at least you did away with online poker!

Step 2: Stop being hypocrites

Republicans are dominating Democrats in one area right now: humiliating sex scandals. If former Rep. Mark Foley isn’t e-mailing young male pages or Sen. Larry Craig isn’t playing footsie in the bathroom, then Rep. Vito J. Fossella’s getting busted driving drunk and then admitting he fathered a love child. You can’t run on family values when you don’t practice them.

Step 3: Build a Party Infrastructure

The Republican infrastructure is crumbling. Making matters worse, Democrats are erecting a pretty impressive network of donors, think tanks and activist groups that is exploiting the GOP’s structural weakness. The GOP “needs to realize what the opposition is and how formidable it is,” said former GOP leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas).

Step 4: Stop being 'Followers'
Conservative Peggy Noonan thinks if the GOP had distanced themselves from President Bush a few years ago they would have looked wise and like leaders. If they distance from him now they will just look shallow and craven. I agree but, as this article points out, voters have short memories.

There is something honorable about loyalty. But taken too far, it can start to look downright loony to voters. President Bush is as unpopular as Richard Nixon was in the days before his resignation. Cut him loose — quick, says Rep. Tom Davis (R-Va.).
...
It won’t be easy, because so many marched obediently to the Bush tune for so long. But voters have short memories — exploit that.

Step 5: Diversify
Could they be rethinking their strategy of shitting all over hard-working, catholic immigrants? Who would have thought that might backfire?

The image of the white men’s club needs to go, too, says Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty. “The country is changing. The Republican Party has to have a message that reflects faces and voices of America. We have to do a better job of recruiting women candidates, candidates of color and diversity.”

I got this far in the article and really felt like the GOP was finally getting it. Maybe they would return to the party of small government and balanced budgets.

But then I saw Step Six and realized that they still aren't there yet. They are still the party that wins elections with 'marketing' and not ideas. They are still a party with no leaders.

Step 6: Spread Fear, Not Hope

Fan the fear: Ignore the critics, Republican wise men say — there is still no better way to win than to stir up concerns about Democratic patriotism and their commitment to national security and killing terrorists. It often remains the best call in the GOP playbook

And, for a moment, I thought they were making some actual progress.

Peggy Noonan on the Dying GOP

2008-05-16T16:20:00.006-05:00

Peggy Noonan was the primary Speech Writer and Special Assistant to Ronald Reagan. She is a political conservative. She writes a regular opinion piece for the Wall Street Journal and several other periodicals.

This is from her recent article in the Wall Street Journal. She is writing about the GOP's recent loss of a House seat in Mississippi. The seat was in the South in a red district that voted heavily (62%) for George Bush in 2004. The loss was the 3rd consecutive stunning special election upset for the GOP. Many believe this will be a harbinger of things to come this fall.

'This was a real wakeup call for us,' someone named Robert M. Duncan, who is chairman of the Republican National Committee, told the New York Times. This was after Mississippi. 'We can't let the Democrats take our issues.' And those issues would be? 'We can't let them pretend to be conservatives,' he continued. Why not? Republicans pretend to be conservative every day.

Ouch. She calls out Republicans for no longer being Conservative. You don't hear that from leaders of the Republican party very often. I also like how she referred to chairman of the Republican National Committee as 'someone'. She clearly has no respect for him.

She continues...

What happens to the Republicans in 2008 will likely be dictated by what didn't happen in 2005, and '06, and '07. The moment when the party could have broken, on principle, with the administration – over the thinking behind and the carrying out of the war, over immigration, spending and the size of government – has passed. What two years ago would have been honorable and wise will now look craven. They're stuck.

Once again, she is dead on. President Bush led them to a cliff and they all jumped. They turned their backs on Conservatism. It's nice to see a Republican like Peggy Noonan speak out against what has become of her party. Maybe she and others like her can take the party back to where it used to be before it was decimated by President Bush and Tom Delay.

But wait, there's more...

Mr. Bush has squandered the hard-built paternity of 40 years. But so has the party, and so have its leaders. If they had pushed away for serious reasons, they could have separated the party's fortunes from the president's. This would have left a painfully broken party, but they wouldn't be left with a ruined "brand," as they all say, speaking the language of marketing. And they speak that language because they are marketers, not thinkers. Not serious about policy. Not serious about ideas. And not serious about leadership, only followership.

Once again, dead on. The party has relied on marketing gimmicks, wedge issues, and fear to win elections. They have no plan to lead.

Their energy policy is centered around drilling in Alaska -- "more oil" doesn't strike me as a long-term solution to our energy problems. Their foreign policy showcases their opposition to negotiations with adversaries even though it has worked successfully for past GOP presidents. They refuse to even admit that their might be an environmental problem.

But hey, they are the party to go to if you have issues with lapel pins. At least they stand for lapel pins.

Obama's Foreign Policy

2008-04-28T18:31:00.002-05:00

Brent Scowcroft, a former Air Force general and presidential adviser to the first President Bush, is widely considered to be one of the preeminent foreign policy minds in the United States.

His thoughts on having direct talks with adversaries...

Brent Scowcroft, the national security adviser to Presidents Gerald Ford and George H.W. Bush, said on Monday that he agrees with the position, stated mainly by Sen. Barack Obama, that the U.S. would benefit from having direct talks with the leaders of its most distrusted adversaries.

"Absolutely," said Scowcroft, when asked by The Huffington Post whether he thought the next president should meet with the likes of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "It's hard to make things better if you don't talk."

If you don't talk to your enemies how will you ever reach common ground.? Do you think you will wake up one day and they will just magically decide you were right all along?

Every GOP President in modern history has negotiated with our enemies. Often with great success. Richard Nixon opened up relations with China. Ronald Reagan negotiated with Iran. And even our current President resolved the North Korean crisis in two days by doing exactly what he chastised John Kerry for suggesting -- having direct talks with North Korea.

Looking Into The Future

2008-04-28T18:18:00.003-05:00

PopPhoto has released their predictions on what the candidates will look like in 4 years. I post it here so I can look back on it in 4 years and see how well they did.

How Bad Is It?

2008-04-25T14:04:00.003-05:00

No comments from me. Just a prediction from famed investor Jim Rogers.

From Fortune:

You might expect Jim Rogers to be gloating a little bit. After all, the famed investor has been predicting a recession in the U.S. economy for months and shorting the shares of now-tanking Wall Street investment banks for even longer. And with fears of a recession sparking both a worldwide market sell-off and emergency action from Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke, Rogers again looks prescient - just as he has over the past few years as the China-driven commodities boom he predicted almost a decade ago began kicked into high gear. But when I reached him by phone in Singapore the other day there was little hint of celebration in his voice. Instead, he took a serious tone.

"I'm extremely worried," he says. "I have been for a while, but I just see things getting much worse this time around than I expected." To Rogers, a longtime Fed critic, Bernanke's decision to ride to the market's rescue with a 75-basis-point cut in the Fed's benchmark rate only a week before its scheduled meeting (at which time they cut it another 50 basis points) is the latest sign that the central bank isn't willing to provide the fiscal discipline that he thinks the economy desperately needs.

"Conceivably we could have just had recession, hard times, sliding dollar, inflation, etc., but I'm afraid it's going to be much worse," he says. "Bernanke is printing huge amounts of money. He's out of control and the Fed is out of control. We are probably going to have one of the worst recessions we've had since the Second World War. It's not a good scene."

Rogers looks at the Fed's willingness to add liquidity to an already inflationary environment and sees the history of the 1970s repeating itself. Does that mean stagflation? "It is a real danger and, in fact, a probability.

The State of the Union

2008-04-22T19:53:00.005-05:00

In 1980, Ronald Reagan asked the quintessential question that should be asked by all voters in an election year, "Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?"

Recently, a Pew Research poll said that for the first time in almost 50 years a majority of Americans feel like they are stuck or falling behind. Their poll showed that the last 9 years was the longest downturn ever for the middle class standard of living.

This election is not about guns, god, gay marriage, lapel pins, perceived patriotism, or any other wedge issue. This election is about real issues. Things that actually matter. This election is about the economy, inflation, gas prices, food prices, the housing crisis, the budget deficit, the never-ending war, the falling value of the dollar, and world opinion.

I was a Republican and I still believe in a lot of their principles. However, I just can not vote for a party that has done so much damage in such a short amount of time. Maybe the next generation of Republicans can take back the party but until then I won't vote for them.

Here is a recap of the issues that matter and where we stand now after 7 years of Republican Rule.

Gas Prices
Oil hit a new high of $120 a barrel and gasoline hit an all-time high of $3.51 a gallon.
Sources: ABC News

Food Prices
Food prices climbing at a rate of 5% - a rise not seen in 20 years. Some food staples like milk, eggs, and bread have risen by double digits. A CNN poll finds nearly 1 in 3 people already cutting back on food. ABC News reports hunger, once again, is rising in America.
Sources: ABC News, CNN

Inflation
Inflation was 1.55% 10 years ago. Today inflation is 4.10%. Actually, inflation is much higher but they no longer include rises in food and energy costs when calculating inflation. I'm not sure why...I still have to pay those bills. As noted above, inflation for some food staples has risen by double digits over the past year.
Sources: ABC News, InflationData.com

Housing Crisis
Prices have already fallen 15% across the country and there are predictions that they could fall more than 30%. That is more than home prices fell during the Great Depression.
Source: ABC News

The Falling Dollar
The Euro climbed to a new record high of $1.60 while the dollar fell to a new low. Lowering interest rates causes the dollar to fall in value. Because oil is traded in dollars when the dollar falls oil prices go up.
Sources: ABC News

Never-Ending War
The cost of a war that the first President Bush was smart enough to avoid is now well over $500 billion. After factoring in long-term health care for wounded US veterans, rebuilding a worn-down military, and accounting for other unforeseen bills and economic losses the tab tops $2 trillion. Plus, there is no end in sight. We freed Iraq of their dictator. The war is over. It is up to them now. We need to leave.
Sources: The Boston Globe

The Economy
Today 90% of voters in Pennsylvania said the country was in a recession. Also today, President Bush, who is oblivious to reality, said the country was not in a recession. The economy is collapsing after being propped up on the stilts of endless interest rate cuts that have only caused inflated gas prices and a worthless dollar.
Sources: Reuters, ABC News

The Budget Deficit
When President Bush took office in 2000 he was given a $236 billion budget surplus. In 2008, the budget deficit is projected to be $410 billion. I remember when Republicans stood for balanced budgets and small government. You may want to blame this entirely on President Bush because 'he's not a true conservative' but the Republicans in Congress passed the budgets he signed.
Sources: CNN

World Opinion
Russia is now seen as a more positive influence on the world than America. Only 35% of the world population still believes America is a positive influence. I still find this unbelievable. Growing up I always felt America wore the white hat and Russia the black hat. Now, we do the things that made Russia the evil empire -- renditions, torture, spying on our own people. It's depressing to think about.
Source: BBC News

If this was the State of the Union at the end of Bill Clinton's Administration then Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and the rest of the GOP would be up in arms and I would be with them. But it is not. It is the State of the Union after 7 years of Republican rule and that is why I now stand with the Democrats.

Awesome Speech

2008-04-17T21:25:00.004-05:00

As further proof of our decline into Idiocracy, I present to you President Bush congratulating the Pope for an "Awesome Speech".

At least he didn't try to high-five the Pope.

Idiocracy is a so-so movie about the future of America. It isn't a great story. But it has a lot of really funny scenes and lines. You should watch it.

Kissing Hank's Ass

2008-04-08T15:35:00.006-05:00

I can't believe I have never posted this story.

I first came across Kissing Hank's Ass around 1997. A co-worker sent me to this site. He had found the site through one of those "Wacky Site of the Day" web sites that used to exist when the web was in it's infancy.

When you grow up in a religion or a cult (is there a difference?) you don't just wake up one day and decide it was all a scam. It takes baby-steps. For me, this story was one of those baby steps.

Kissing Hank's Ass was written by Rev. Jim Huber and over the years has grown quite popular. The story first appeared on his web site and was eventually made into a short YouTube video.

The story does an excellent job of pointing out the circular logic that must be used for any religion to be accepted.

Here is the original story. The YouTube video is below the story.

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

The Kissing Hank's Ass Video:

Flying Spaghetti Monster Statue

2008-04-07T22:17:00.013-05:00

FSM at the Crossville Courthouse

The Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster was created as a hilarious response to the Kansas School Board's attempt to teach creationism instead of evolution in science class.

The religion was conceived by Bobby Henderson and focuses on his belief that evolution is a farce and that we were all created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In his open letter to the Kansas School Board, he included an artist's rendition of the moment of creation by the FSM and he explained why the declining number of pirates in the world is the cause of global warming.

He applauded the school board's efforts to allow alternative theories of origin in science and was excited that this would open the door for him to further his religion in Kansas classrooms. He hilariously states, "I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."

His open letter started a movement. There were t-shirts, bumper stickers, and even a book devoted to Pastafarianism. Today, the movement reached a new high as a statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was erected on the courthouse lawn in Crossville, TN.

The creator of the statue read this statement during the unveiling:

We are lucky enough to live in a country that allows us, its citizens, the freedom of speech. I have chosen to put up a statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to represent the discourse between people of all different beliefs. The many faiths, ethnicities and backgrounds of Cumberland County’s residents make our community a stronger richer place. I respect and am proud that on the people’s lawn, the county courthouse, all of these diverse beliefs can come together in a positive dialogue. Here, we are all able to share the issues close to our hearts whether it is through a memorial to the soldiers killed fighting for our country, the Statue of Liberty honoring our nations welcoming promise to all, a group’s fight to stop homelessness, or powerful symbols of faith. I greatly treasure this open forum between everyone in the community.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a pile of noodles and meatballs, but it is meant to open up discussion and provoke thought. Being able to put up a statue is a celebration of our freedom as Americans; a freedom to be different, to express those differences, and to do it amongst neighbors -— even if it is in a noodley way.

From the Crossville Chronicle:

County Mayor Brock Hill said, "We are basically operating it as a freedom of speech venue. We don't deny the constitutional rights of anyone, but we certainly don't endorse all the displays. I feel the Flying Spaghetti Monster is an effort on the part of non-Christians to try and minimize Christianity and the images that have been placed there. I'll go as far as to say that I think it's an attempt to minimize and ridicule the good intentions of Christians in Cumberland County, but I don't deny their right."

I really admire Mayor Brock Hill. He is what America should be. He disagrees with them. He thinks they are mocking his religion. But he allows them to speak out anyway. I'd vote for that guy.

Incidentally, the courthouse is also home to a statue of Jesus carrying the cross.

May you be touched by his noodly appendage.

More On Actions vs Labels

2008-04-04T18:51:00.000-05:00

Years ago I worked at a hotel. The owners of the hotel were very nice people. They had two children named Amy and Rashan. They were around 9 and 7 years old, respectively. I would help Amy and Rashan with their homework on slow nights. I got to know both of them very well. They were smart, well behaved children. Their family was Hindu.

Somewhere along the line I came up with the following scenario. What if Amy grew up to be her generations Mother Theresa. What if she devoted her life to helping the poor? What if she gave up all her worldly possessions and focused on nothing but helping the less fortunate? Would she go to heaven? After all, she wasn't a Christian.

I asked two pastors this question. The first was the pastor of a Disciples of Christ church I had gone to for as long as I could remember. The second was the pastor of my future-wife's Lutheran church.

Both gave me the same answer. Amy, even if she did nothing but help God's children her entire life, would burn in hell. Of course, they sugar coated their answer -- it wasn't that harsh -- but it was essentially what they were saying.

I think it is all determined on how you read and interpret the Bible. You can read the Bible and focus on the "eye for an eye" verses (Exodus 21:23-27) or you can read the Bible and focus on the "turn the other cheek" verses (Luke 6:27-31).

You can focus on verses that suggest you will not go to heaven if you do not worship the right god (John 14:6). Or you can focus on verses that suggest all that really matters is how you treat others (Matthew 7:12).

I choose to focus on people's actions and their good deeds. I do not focus on what they call themselves or what church they attend. After all, God created all of us -- even Muslims.

I think that God is less interested in who you worship and is more interested in how you treat his creations. I could be wrong though. Who knows, maybe he is an ego-centric God that needs to be worshiped to feel good about himself. But I doubt it. He is probably a loving God that wants all of his children to be treated with respect.