Political Roast

Last Weeks Funniest Late Night Political Jokes

2011-12-25T08:08:00.000-08:00

"It's been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug." –Conan O'Brien

"As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives." –Jay Leno

"Kim Jong Il made his staff call him 'dear' and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"The family is saying now that in lieu of flowers for Kim Jong Il, they encourage you to send enriched uranium." –David Letterman"North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset." –Conan O'Brien

"It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded." –Conan O'Brien

"I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, 'Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you." –David Letterman

"The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out." –Jimmy Fallon

"Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill." –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il." –Jay Leno

"When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'" –Jay Leno

"During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February." –Jay Leno

The Weeks Best Late Night Political Jokes

2011-11-24T06:45:00.000-08:00

"Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington." —Jon Stewart

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." —Jay Leno

"Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann 'The Queen of Rage.' Michele says, 'There's only one raging queen in our household, and it's not me.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That's what her words are for." —Jon Stewart

"I look at that picture and say, isn't that a little soon to be doing a female re-make of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?" —Jon Stewart

"Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" —Jon Stewart

"S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook." —Jay Leno

"S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump." —Daily Show tweet

"America gets a double A plus? The only other countries with that rating are Belgium and New Zealand. That's us now. Waffle-eating kiwis, putting mayonnaise on our French fries with a serious Hobbit infestation." —Stephen Colbert

"I don't want to say the economy is worrisome, but I turned on CNN and MSNBC and the blond anchor lady was just sitting there eating a pint of ice cream." —Bill Maher

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." —Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno

"President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money." —Jimmy Fallon

"Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'" —Conan O'Brien

"We finally get a black President, and our credit goes bad. If Obama's going to be stereotyped as black he should own it. And by 'own it' I mean rent it." —Daily Show "senior black correspondent" Larry Wilmore

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." —Bill Maher

"New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'" —Conan O'Brien

‎"Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim." —Stephen Colbert, on the Obama campaign's apparent plan to target Mitt Romney as "weird"

"Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words." —Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team." —Jay Leno

"President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that'll be President Bieber's problem." —Jay Leno

"Corporations are people. It's time to remake 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner' where the daughter brings home an oil rig. You know Spencer Tracy won't want to see his daughter drilled." —Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney's declaration that "corporations are people"

"Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They're like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy." —Stephen Colbert

"Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award." —Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for 'Playboy' and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples." —Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Mitt Romney

2011-11-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

"There's another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he's getting attacked for it all of a sudden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman rips on Herman Cain

2011-11-13T07:01:00.000-08:00

"It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week." –David Letterman

Occupy Wall Street Jokes

2011-11-06T09:33:00.000-08:00

Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen." –Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?'" -Conan O'Brien

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is not going away. They called yesterday for a general strike, for people to stay home from work and boycott any spending – otherwise known as what we're doing already." –Bill Maher

"You saw what happened in Oakland, California. Oh my God, the police fired tear gas. You gotta love that mentality. They're there with a crowd of people holding up signs saying 'We can't find a job,' 'we've lost our home,' 'we can't pay for college,' and they think, 'let's make them cry.'" –Bill Maher

"Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?" –David Letterman

"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It's two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren't fresh, but still it's a start." –Bill Maher

"Now there's a pushback movement (against Occupy Wall Street). There's a group called the 53%. These are the people who say 47% don't pay any federal taxes (yeah, because they're f**king broke). The 53% say they barely get by, but they don't blame the banks. Their slogan is, 'Let's bend over and take it, America!'" –Bill Maher

Bank Transfer Day: Everybody Wins - TheStreet

2011-11-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

Bank Transfer Day: Everybody Wins - TheStreet: "NEW YORK (TheStreet) -- Credit unions and small community banks are rubbing their hands in delight at the prospect of new customers lining up outside their doors seeking to open an account with them on "Bank Transfer Day" that falls on Saturday."

'via Blog this'

David Letterman Jokes about Cain

2011-11-04T05:33:00.000-07:00

"Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word 'consensual.'" –David Letterman

"When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee." –David Letterman

"President Obama had his physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval rating down. He's fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that proves he's not an American." –David Letterman

Occupy Funny Political Cartoons

2011-11-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

Funny Political Cartoons Rip On Herman Cain

2011-11-04T05:28:00.000-07:00

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Herman Cain's Campaign Is In Trouble"

2011-11-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Herman Cain's Campaign Is In Trouble"

10. Can't afford cigarettes for new campaign ads
9. It's been fun, but there's no way we're actually electing a guy named 'Herman'
8. While campaigning, kissed a photo of himself and signed a baby
7. New campaign slogan 'Mayday!'
6. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks his ideas are nuts
5. He trails Gadhafi's corpse in the polls
4. Refuses to acknowledge the road to the White House goes through me, Dave
3. He's acting less fun-crazy and more crazy-crazy
2. Just accepted million-dollar offer to pose nude in Playboy
1. There's a 0-0-0 chance he'll be president

Perry adviser denies harassment talk with Cain (AP)

2011-11-03T06:50:00.000-07:00

AP - An adviser to Rick Perry's presidential campaign says he never had a conversation with Herman Cain about sexual harassment, contrary to Cain's..Perry adviser denies harassment talk with Cain (AP)

Weeks Funniest Political Cartoons

2011-10-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

Bill Maher Funny Political Jokes

2011-10-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

"Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow." –Bill Maher

"And you know what, if he did smother Castro with a pillow in a nurse's uniform, Rush Limbaugh would say, 'See, socialized medicine.'" –Bill Maher

"They found Gaddafi in a hole with a gun and luggage, or as it's known here, the middle class." –Bill Maher

"They say now that Gaddafi is dead and Michael Jackson is gone, we have enough over-the-top military uniforms to outfit an entire gay army." –Bill Maher

"The end of the war in Libya is good news for Obama and good news for Michele Bachmann. Now she doesn't have to find out where it is." –Bill Maher

"These Republicans, they will not give credit. They gave credit to the rebels, to the British, and to the French. But they would not mention the president. It was like they were on a game show and the password was 'Obama.' They're like the banks; they will not give a black man credit." –Bill Maher, on Gaddafi's death

“In their world, Gaddafi died of natural causes, Bin Laden was shot in the face by the free market. You should've heard them, we went in too strong, everything they could’ve said that he did wrong. It's like there’s some kind of hidden Republican clitoris, that they won’t let Obama find, and whenever he tries, they're like 'that’s not it!'" –Bill Maher

"I'm guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there's crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they're happy to come home anyway." –Bill Maher

Funny Political Cartoons| Occupy Wallstreet

2011-10-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

Conan O'Brien Political Jokes| Rick Perry

2011-10-15T09:27:00.001-07:00

"Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they've been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny's across the street." –Conan O'Brien

"Brian Williams said if he ever left his wife for a man, that man would be Bruce Springsteen. Which is a really weird way to begin the nightly news." –Conan O'Brien

Funny Political Jokes | David Letterman Jokes about Rick Perry

2011-10-14T05:32:00.000-07:00

"You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed." –David Letterman

"They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one." –David Letterman

"The candidates at the last Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked, 'Who am I?'" –David Letterman

"Rick Perry had to leave the debate early. He was late for an execution." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry looks like a guy who crawled out from under a painted rock. Perry’s exhausted. He’s having trouble sleeping. Calling Dr. Conrad Murray!" –David Letterman

"President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight, and we had trouble with security. The bomb-sniffing dogs found the cue cards." –David Letterman

Funny Political Jokes| Jay Leno jokes about Hank Williams, Jr

2011-10-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

"Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr." –Jay Leno

"China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen." –Jay Leno

"Under Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that's his chances of becoming president." –Jay Leno

"There's a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don't pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year." –Jay Leno

"This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his." –Jay Leno

Funny Political Jokes Bill Maher jokes about the Wall Street Protest

2011-10-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

"Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, 'If you don't have a job, if you're not rich, don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the banks, blame yourself.' And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, 'Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has fallen way down. He's got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney's problem. He's just too black." –Bill Maher

"Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, 'The Glenn Beck Show." –Bill Maher

"If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen?" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions." –Bill Maher

Political Cartoons about the Wall Street Protest

2011-10-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

Funny Political Jokes from Jimmy Fallon about President Obama

2011-10-06T05:44:00.000-07:00

"Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn't find a sitter for Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Michele Bachmann said that quote, 'China has blinded U.S. satellites with their lasers.' Which explains Michele Bachmann's new campaign adviser: Gary Busey." –Jimmy Fallon

Funny Political Jokes Jimmy Kimmel Rips on Herman Cain

2011-10-06T05:40:00.000-07:00

"More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they're trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn't be surprising." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin says she will not run for president (AP)

2011-10-06T05:37:00.001-07:00

AP - Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said Wednesday she will not run for president, leaving little doubt that the eventual Republican nominee will come from the current field of contenders.

Sarah Palin says she will not run for president (AP)

Video-Hank Williams Jr. after he compares Obama to Hitler

2011-10-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

ESPN pulls Hank Williams Jr. after he compares Obama to Hitler

2011-10-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

Hank Williams Jr., the singer whose various videos for the hit song "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Monday Night" has served as the intro to "Monday Night Football" for 23 seasons, compared President Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler during a Monday morning appearance on "Fox and Friends." The statement led to ESPN pulling his popular intro segment, best known to fans for its "Are you ready for some football?" ending, for Monday night's game between the Indianapolis Colts and Tampa Bay Buccaneers.More

Funny Political Jokes Jimmy Kimmel Rips on President Obama

2011-10-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

"If you donate $5 to President Obama's re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. The first lady will even come around and personally knock the dessert right out of your hand." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's all part of the president's plan to get the country gambling again." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now, they've dropped the price from $5 to $3. It's the first presidential groupon." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A group of politicians want to replace the dollar bill with a coin. Rappers would be out of business. You can't make it rain with coins. People would get hurt. Strippers would have to wear fanny packs. You can't fill up a thong with coins. Get rid of the penny. If it's not worth bending over for, it's not worth making." –Jimmy Kimmel