Political Roast

Not so jolly package causes TN Capitol evacuation

2009-11-27T09:27:00.001-08:00

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- A package for Tennessee's governor turned out not too jolly for staffers at the Capitol. Safety Department spokesman Mike Browning says officials evacuated the building for almost two hours Wednesday when the mail room found a package addressed to Gov. Phil Bredesen that contained moving parts---...More

Navy SEALs Face Assault Charges for Capturing Terrorist

2009-11-25T05:20:00.001-08:00

Navy SEALs have secretly captured one of the most wanted terrorists in Iraq - the alleged mastermind of the murder and mutilation of four Blackwater USA security guards in Fallujah in 2004. And three of the SEALs who captured him are now facing criminal charges, sources told FoxNews.com. The three, all members of the Navy?s elite commando unit, have refused non-judicial punishment - called an admiral?s mast - and have requested a trial by court-martial. Ahmed Hashim Abed, whom the military code-named ?Objective Amber,? told investigators he was punched by his captors - and he had the bloody lip to prove it----...More

David Letterman Political Jokes Week of 11/20/09

2009-11-23T06:40:00.000-08:00

"Anybody reading the 'Going Rogue' book, the Sarah Palin memoir? Remember the interview she did with Katie Couric before the election and it was confusing and clumsy. Well, in the book, Sarah Palin says that she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. This coming from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin signed copies — she's out on a massive book tour. This is a huge bestseller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wig." –David Letterman

"Then she got a sore hand from signing so many book copies. She had to call Rush Limbaugh to get some OxyContin, and that put her right where she wanted to be." –David Letterman

"Welcome to New York City. Beginning Monday, you know who's going to be here? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be here. He's going on trial. And the time that he's in New York City, he's going to be very busy. Monday, for example — Monday morning — he'll be on the 'Today Show,' singing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' Very busy schedule." –David Letterman

"He's not coming on this show, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter." –David Letterman

"But listen to this. What a great idea. The CIA has a plan now, they're going to grab Osama bin Laden when he shows up for jury duty. They're going to get him, cuff him, outta here!" –David Letterman

"Here's great news. The United States Senate unveiled its healthcare bill. Listen to this: $849 billion, 2,000 pages. Whooo! Sounds like a Donald trump prenup." –David Letterman

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GOP Blocks Freeze On Credit Card Interest Rate Hikes

2009-11-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

Senate Republicans blocked a Democratic effort, led by CT Senator Chris Dodd, Wednesday to immediately freeze increases in credit card interest rates, fees and finance charges....More---Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

Sarah Palin gives Oprah biggest audience in two years

2009-11-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

Oprah Winfrey’s interview with former vp candidate Sarah Palin scored the talk show host her highest rating in two years. Monday’s episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” drew a 8.7 household rating and 13 share — the best since Winfrey had the entire Osmond family on the show in 2007. That means Palin also topped Winfrey’s heavily viewed interviews with Whitney Houston at the start of the season.--More

Obama says US, allies discussing Iran sanctions

2009-11-19T10:55:00.001-08:00

SEOUL, South Korea (AP) -- Showing impatience with Iranian foot-dragging, President Barack Obama said Thursday that the U.S. and its allies are discussing possible new penalties against Iran for defying international attempts to halt its contested nuclear program.

Obama's warning came after Iran rejected a compromise proposal to ship its low-enriched uranium abroad so that it could not be further enriched to make weapons. Talk of fresh sanctions also showed that Obama is preparing for the next phase should Iran fail to meet his year-end deadline for progress in negotiations.---...More

Obama creates 30 new jobs in non-existent district

2009-11-17T05:48:00.000-08:00

Washington DC - The Obama administration’s $787-billion economic stimulus has thankfully created 30 new jobs in a little-known rural corner of Arizona at a cost to American taxpayers of only $761,420. That works out to only $25,380.67 spent to create each individual job. Seems like a lot per slot, but those 30 folks must be happy to be employed again and paying taxes. Trouble is, there is no 15th Congressional District in Arizona. Doesn’t exist. Not in Arizona. Not even on paper at the Democratic National Committee----More---Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

Jay Leno Political Jokes

2009-11-17T05:43:00.000-08:00

"President Obama's approval rating down to 46 percent. That means 54 percent of the people do not approve of the job he's doing, which I think is totally unfair. We should at least wait until he actually does something." –Jay Leno

"Lou Dobbs has quit CNN. And here's the weird part: He didn't want to quit, his work visa expired." –Jay Leno

"Gov. David Paterson made a shocking statement today. He said, 'New York will be broke by Christmas.' Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger said, 'Christmas? What's your secret? How'd you last so long?'" –Jay Leno

"A middle school in North Carolina has caused some controversy, because they were offering to improve test scores for cash donations. For a $20 donation, kids could get an increase of 20 points on any test they chose. It was the 'Cash from Flunkers' program." –Jay Leno

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Obama, Hu vow cooperation but produce few deals

2009-11-17T05:39:00.000-08:00

AP - President Barack Obama and Chinese President Hu Jintao promised a determined, joint effort to tackle climate change, nuclear disarmament and other global troubles yet emerged from their first full-blown summit Tuesday with scant progress beyond goodwill----More---
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Latest David Letterman Political Jokes

2009-11-13T05:02:00.000-08:00

Welcome to New York City, first of all, but bad news — city is broke. Yeah. No more money. And they're cutting back on garbage collection. And I want to tell you, New York City, by the way, has one of the finest collections of garbage you'll see anywhere." –David Letterman

"Cutting back, city is broke, cutting back on hospital budgets. Well, it's a good thing we've got that swine flu licked, isn't it?" –David Letterman

"And when your flight lands in the Hudson, you're on your own." –David Letterman

"I found out this by reading her memoir 'Going Rogue,' the Sarah Palin memoir, 'Going Rogue.' Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East." –David Letterman

"They have a bottle of beer that was on board the Hindenburg and it was auctioned off. You know the Hindenburg, that was the biggest thing to crash and burn in New Jersey next to the Corzine campaign." –David Letterman
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Funny Political Jokes from Conan O'Brien

2009-11-13T05:01:00.000-08:00

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That's what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day in Wisconsin, Sarah Palin gave a speech, and the crowd was searched to make sure there were no cameras. That's right. Yeah, according to experts, Palin subscribes to the primitive belief that cameras will 'steal her crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That's what they said. It's a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC." –Conan O'Brien
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Obama: decision soon on troops for Afghanistan

2009-11-13T04:58:00.000-08:00

TOKYO (AP) -- President Barack Obama said Friday that his decision about how many troops to send to Afghanistan will come soon and he is bent on "getting this right."

In a joint news conference with Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama, Obama rejected claims that his administration is dithering. The policy must protect America from terrorist networks, Obama said, while also making clear there is no "open-ended commitment" to Afghanistan.

Obama and Hatoyama pledged to renew their nations' alliance to keep pace with a fast-changing world.

Opening a weeklong trip to Asia, Obama said the United States and Japan must "find ways to renew and refresh the alliance for the 21st century."

Hatoyama noted that Japan will no longer refuel ships that supply Afghanistan, but he promised aid for Afghan civilian needs such as schools, agriculture and police. He also vowed to cooperate with the United States on combatting climate change and nuclear proliferation.

Obama arrived in Tokyo on Friday, opening a weeklong trip to east Asia.

The two leaders are hoping to shore up relations with a nation that vows to be more assertive with the United States, even as Obama also weighs whether to send more troops to the Afghan war....More

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Veteran’s Day Tribute

2009-11-11T06:25:00.000-08:00

Veteran’s Day Tribute

When America had an urgent need,
These brave ones raised a hand;
No hesitation held them back;
They were proud to take a stand.

They left their friends and family;
They gave up normal life;
To serve their country and their God,
They plowed into the strife.

They fought for freedom and for peace
On strange and foreign shores;
Some lost new friends; some lost their lives
In long and brutal wars.

Other veterans answered a call
To support the ones who fought;
Their country had requirements for
The essential skills they brought.

We salute each and every one of them,
The noble and the brave,
The ones still with us here today,
And those who rest in a grave.

So here’s to our country’s heroes;
They’re a cut above the rest;
Let’s give the honor that is due
To our country’s very best.

By Joanna Fuchs
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Who knew of Fort Hood suspect's radical contacts?

2009-11-11T05:56:00.001-08:00

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The mystery over whether the military knew Fort Hood shooting suspect Nidal Hasan was communicating with a radical Muslim imam lapsed into finger-pointing ahead of congressional investigations looking into the Army psychiatrist's contacts with any extremists.

Even as President Barack Obama remembered those killed at the Texas Army post and condemned what he described as "the twisted logic that led to this tragedy," federal agencies reacted to conflicting claims about whether a Defense Department terrorism investigator looked into Hasan's contacts months ago with Anwar al-Awlaki. Awlaki, an imam who was released from a Yemeni jail last year, has used his personal Web site to encourage Muslims across the world to kill U.S. troops in Iraq. A military official Tuesday denied knowing Hasan had such contacts.--...More

FBI reassessing past look at Fort Hood suspect

2009-11-10T07:46:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON – Nearly a year before Maj. Nidal Hasan allegedly went on a shooting rampage at Fort Hood, terrorism investigators conducted an "assessment" of him before deciding he did not pose a threat.

After the shooting, the FBI is doing a new assessment — of its own conduct.

The Army psychiatrist is believed to have acted alone despite repeated communications — intercepted by authorities — with a radical imam overseas, U.S. officials said Monday. The FBI will conduct an internal review to see whether it mishandled early information about the man accused in the bloody rampage that killed 13 people and wounded 29.

President Barack Obama was joining grieving families and comrades of the victims Tuesday at a memorial service at the sprawling Texas Army base. Hasan, awake and talking to doctors, met his lawyer Monday in the San Antonio hospital where he is recovering, under guard, from gunshot wounds in the assault.

In Washington, an investigative official and a Republican lawmaker said Hasan had communicated 10 to 20 times with Anwar al-Awlaki, an imam released from a Yemeni jail last year who has used his personal Web site to encourage Muslims across the world to kill U.S. troops in Iraq. Despite that, no formal investigation was opened into Hasan, they said....More
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Obama Fort Hood Visit: President To Privately Console Families, Publicly Mourn

2009-11-10T07:41:00.000-08:00

(Huffington Post)-WASHINGTON — Presidents get elected to run the nation. Some days that means knowing how to heal it.

For the first time since winning the White House, President Barack Obama faces such a moment Tuesday at Fort Hood. It his job to offer comfort, if not answers, after the shooting that left 13 people dead and 29 wounded on the bustling Texas Army post five days ago.

Obama will privately console families of those killed, and then publicly pay respects at a memorial service sure to be watched by American troops around the world. He and first lady Michelle Obama will also visit wounded troops in the hospital before returning to Washington.

This is Obama's time to take on healer role that can help shape a presidency at a time of national tragedy.

In an interview Monday with ABC News, Obama said he was going to Fort Hood to "personally express the incredible heartbreak that we all feel for – for the loss of these young men and women."....More

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U.S. Muslim Cleric Anwar al-Awlaki Calls Fort Hood Terrorist A Hero

2009-11-09T12:06:00.000-08:00

Wake Up America! Major Nidal Hasan couldn't Support America against other Muslims..There are reports Major Hasan laughed when American Soldiers were killed....Nidal Hasan has links to this radical Muslim cleric Anwar al-Awlaki were the 9/11 Hijackers attended...

The enemies are still among us...

Alleged Fort Hood Gunman a Hero, Says Islamic Cleric With Suspected 9/11 Links

The Muslim U.S. Army major accused of shooting dead 13 people at Fort Hood last Thursday was a “hero” who faced a choice of betraying his nation or betraying Islam, according to a radical U.S.-born cleric whose possible links with Maj. Nidal Hasan are now under investigation.

The cleric, Anwar al-Awlaki, led a Northern Virginia mosque in 2001 which Hasan attended – along with three of the 9/11 hijackers....More

Fort Hood-Alleged shooter tied to mosque of 9/11 hijackers

2009-11-09T06:28:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON — The family of the alleged Fort Hood shooter held his mother's funeral at the same Virginia mosque that two Sept. 11 hijackers attended in 2001, at a time when a radical imam preached there.

Whether the Fort Hood shooter associated with the hijackers is something the FBI will probably look into, according to a law enforcement official who spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation is ongoing.

The family of Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, the Army psychiatrist accused of killing 13 and wounding 29 at the Texas military base, held his mother's funeral at the Dar al Hijrah Islamic Center in Falls Church, Va., on May 31, 2001, according to her obituary in the Roanoke Times newspaper.

In 2001, Anwar Aulaqi was an imam, or spiritual leader, at the Washington-area mosque. Aulaqi told the FBI in 2001 that, before he moved to Virginia in early 2001, he met with 9/11 hijacker Nawaf al-Hazmi several times in San Diego. Al-Hazmi was at the time living with Khalid al-Mihdhar, another hijacker. Al-Hazmi and another hijacker, Hani Hanjour, attended the Dar al Hijrah mosque in Virginia in early April 2001.

In his FBI interview, Aulaqi denied ever meeting with al-Hazmi and Hanjour while in Virginia.....More----
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House Approves Sweeping Health Care Bill, Now All Eyes on Senate

2009-11-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

Democrats in the House of Representatives narrowly passed sweeping health care reform legislation Saturday night, with only one Republican joining in the vote and the minority party nearly unanimous in its opposition.

"Oh what a night!" Speaker Nancy Pelosi proudly proclaimed at a press conference immediately following passage of the health care bill.

The vote passed 220-215 with 39 Democrats voting against the bill, and one Republican supporting the sweeping plan, Rep. Joseph Cao, a first-term Republican who holds an overwhelmingly Democratic seat in New Orleans....More
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Army Chief Of Staff Worried About Anti-Muslim Backlash

2009-11-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

Huffinton Post---In the wake of the horrific massacre at Ft. Hood, Army command is beginning to express concerns about a potential backlash against Muslim members of the military.

Army Chief of Staff Gen. George Casey told CNN on Sunday that the last thing he would like to see result from this tragedy is anti-Muslim activity or the loss of diversity in military ranks.

"You know, there's been a lot of speculation going on and probably the curiosity is a good thing," said Casey of accused killer Nidal Malik Hasan. "But we have to be careful because we can't jump to conclusions now based on little snippets of information that come out. And frankly, I am worried -- not worried, not worried, but I'm concerned -- that this increased speculation could cause a backlash against some of our Muslim soldiers and I've asked our army leaders to be on the look out for that. it would be a shame -- as great a tragedy as this was -- it would be a shame if our diversity became a casualty as well."

"What happened at Fort Hood was a tragedy," Casey said, during a separate appearance on ABC's "This Week." "But I think it would be an even greater tragedy if it [affected] our diversity."....More

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Casey says war in Afghanistan needs more US troops (AP)

2009-11-08T08:07:00.001-08:00

AP - The Army's chief of staff says he believes more troops are needed in Afghanistan. But Gen. George Casey isn't saying exactly how many more should be sent into the war.----...More

Senator: Senate will investigate Army shootings (AP)

2009-11-08T08:06:00.001-08:00

AP - The chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee says he plans to begin a congressional investigation of the shootings at Fort Hood.--...More

NZ lawmaker sculpted in cow manure

2009-11-07T07:02:00.000-08:00

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) -- A sculpture of a New Zealand government minister crafted from cow manure sold for New Zealand dollars 3,080 ($2,220) on an auction Web site. The bust of New Zealand Environment Minister Nick Smith, sculpted as a protest by artist Sam Mahon, attracted 112 bids before being picked up by an anonymous buyer on Friday...More

Funny Political Jokes From David Letterman 11/06/09

2009-11-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

"You're here on a very special night, ladies and gentlemen. The entire balcony here at the Ed Sullivan Theater tonight is filled with defeated Democrats. Yeah, buddy!" –David Letterman

"Big losses for the Democrats in the elections. Here's how bad it was for the Democrats — earlier today, the Democratic Party was begging Rush Limbaugh for pain killers." –David Letterman

"Bad year for Democrats right now. All the Democrats have left is the presidency, both houses of Congress, and all of Hollywood. That's all they have." –David Letterman

"Next February, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will be debate, at Radio City Music Hall. I'm looking forward to that line of high-kicking Secret Service agents." –David Letterman

"Clinton and Bush are debating, and, honestly, think about it, what is more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count, if you think about it?" –David Letterman

"One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul." –David Letterman

Pa. prostitution case tossed over gov't-funded sex

2009-11-07T06:53:00.000-08:00

HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) -- An appeals court has ruled Pennsylvania State Police botched a prostitution investigation in which troopers gave an informant money to pay for sex four times at a massage parlor, along with a total of $180 for the man's trouble....More