Polymath Voyage

Dark Chocolate Mint Cookies

2012-06-03T21:22:00.001-04:00

I wanted to make some unique cookies for a wedding I recently attended. I started with this Martha Stewart recipe, but I just made the cookie part.

1 cup Dark Cocoa Powder
0.5 cup + 2 tbsp All Purpose Flour
0.5 cup Unsalted Butter
0.5 cup granulated sugar
1 egg

To that recipe, I added:
Andes mint chips (about 1/4 cup)
Instant coffee (about 1 tbsp)
Cinnamon (about 1/2 tsp)

I also baked them longer than the recipe suggests- maybe 15 -20 mins and skiped the refridgerator step.

Then, I melted chocolate chips on lowest setting of my range (a double broiler would probably have been best), constantly stirring, and very slowly I mixed in water and about 1tsp of oil until it was a fluid. Finally, I dipped into the melted chocolate the tops of the cookies.

They ended up quite tasty!

Occupy Pittsburgh in Pictures

2012-05-20T00:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Ada,

2012-04-27T15:56:00.000-04:00

Thank you.

Thank you for all of your lessons and support.

Thank you for your example of strength and fortitude.

Thank you for nurturing thought and curiosity in my much younger self.

Thank you for hours and hours over days and weeks and years when I was laying on your bed or sitting in your living room or in your old kitchen, talking about life, jobs, boys, school, science, politics, the world, the universe, and all the maybes and somedays.

Thank you for all your tips and tricks for relationships and guys.

Thank you for knowing when a guy was bad for me, and letting me make my own mistakes.

Thank you for tips on nail polish, bras, and knowing which part of an outfit to spend money on, and which to buy cheap.

Thank you for throwing your fist in the air and silently yelling "yes!" when I was now pronounced wife to a man.

Thank you for talking me out of wearing that dress that I really wanted when I was 14- That one with the yellow flowers that was totally adorable on the hanger, but looked just awful on me.

Thank you for being the person who, when my mother and I would disagree, we could go to for a final judgement.

Thank you for being very kind, while being very direct. I strive to be like you on this in all of my encounters.

Thank you for telling stories about you and your sister as you grew up together, and the way you thought about, and so very admired her. I remember thinking with wide eyes about all the times that Katie and I would have like yours and how wonderful it would be to go through life with someone like that. It has been, is, and I expect will continue being everything you set it up to be.

Thank you for treating me like I was something special. I remember when you were first back visiting school after the accident. I was nervous to bother you, because so many people wanted to see you, but when I poked my 11-year-old head into the teachers' lounge, you stopped your stories to the masses gathered around you, and yelled for me to come sit on your lap and chat about my day.

Thank you for being an imperfect person, and acknowledging that this is okay, as long as we try to do better. Thank you for forgiving me my weaknesses.

Thank you for always having the interest and engagement in my thoughts, opinions, and stories that most other adults would never have, and for that continued interest once I was grown.

Thank you for times when it was just us two. And all that you told me. And how I saw things in such a different way, given your input. And how I always felt ready to conquer the world after.

Thank you for making a 10-year-old me, who took soooo long to write words down and had given up, pick my paper up out of the trash and finish it, because you knew it was going to win writing awards.

Thank you for telling me that it was simply necessary because it was a story worth finishing.

Thank you for listening about the story I'm writing now, just for fun, and for telling me that this, too, is a story worth finishing, and that other people need to read it.

Thank you for the amazing look in your eyes when I told you about something I was working on or happy about. I hope I never forget that face.

Thank you for the way you put your hand over your mouth when I told you something I was worried about.

Thank you being the type of thinker to make me constantly consider "What would Ada have to say about this?"

Thank you for calling me your second daughter.

Thank you for rescuing my dress a week before my wedding, when it was 3 sizes too big.

Thank you for being someone my mother could joke with every 45 minutes and call with her crises.

Thank you for your sweet daughter, who I'm lucky to call my best friend. In her, your kind heart beats on.

I think of you every day.

To my teacher, my friend, and my greatest mentor:
God bless and good travels until we meet again.

[Seminar] Drug Delivery Stratagies in Immunology Notes

2012-04-25T01:19:00.001-04:00

Immunology and pharmaceutics meet here, looking at two primary topics: Transplantation and Cancer.

Transplantation - need to lower immune response to tolerate organ
Cancer - The immunosome is important in checking against cancer cells. This can be observed when the loss of functional t cells in aids leads to more cancer

Focus on Cancer:
Look at using oligonucleotides, polymeric particles, antibodies, and injectable films

A tumor starts out as uncontrolled cell growth, but once it picks up a mutation that allows for a phenotype that moves to other tissues, it is malignant.

Most standard therapy- non-specific actions- kill cells that are proliferating. Very toxic.

20 years ago- idea- exploit immune system to kill cancer cells when at low numbers.
Maybe activate to a greater extent (like a vaccine, but not preventive so much as curative)
Called "cancer vaccines" (misnomer)
Results are really disappointing. Tumors survive though increased immune response is detected.
Disconnect here.
Last 8-10 years- deconstruct to find problem.

Ideas:
Immunology of cancer. Active # of helper t cells responding to tumor. Tumor is not a passive bunch of cells waiting to die. Especially (epithelial cancers), turn t-cell to regulatory-t cells for their own use and protection. Helper- INF-GAMMA Regulatory- FOXP3

Turn back to anti-cancer phenotype?
FOXP3 If you shut down, turn back into helper t cells.
T cells already localized, now. This is very specific to hit the tumor.

New drugs in the post-genomic era:

Monoclonal antibodies Fc fusion proteins
Antisense oligonucleotides
Small interference RNA siRNA

20% drugs now are biologics, not drug discovery

Trying to get a molecule to be a drug- delivery is rate limiting step.
Ideal drug therapy- optimal spatiotemporal pharmacokinetics and pharmacodynamics
Get the right drug to the right place at the right time.
Biologics inherent instability is major barrier. Need hours-days. Less than that not useful. Get to tumor, but also inside it!
Use endosome for endocyosis, macropinocytosis, etc...
Needs to get outside the endosome.

Strategy
Make RNA molecules compact and neutralize charge.
Synthetic polymers for nucleic acid delivery- good in dish- not in vivo, because proteins in living system compete against the complex, which dissociates back to original product.
Polyester-polycation hybrid carriers
Complex to a particle, can get substantial advantage in terms of stability.
Use with siRNA to shut down FoxP3- this group did.
How is it in a dish? T-cells will pick up these particles (important because t-cells don't pick up that much like macrophages or dendrocites)

Results
Tumor in mouse, injection, looking for delay in tumor growth.
Decreased Foxp3, but didn't much to cancer growth. Ahh! Disaster.

Considerations for Improvement
Maybe not getting to right place?
Inject directly into the tumor.
Need to ensure endosome escape is possible. Histadines as buffer. More water in with buffers, more burst, payload release- need more histadine buffer.
Maybe use different types siRNA, maybe use more, etc, maybe didn't think about getting it at the right time.
Particles stay around for some time- a day or less. T-cells move around. Most other cells stay in one place. Tumors change t-cells, but then they come and go throuh lymph system. Dont spend a whole lot of time in the tumor.
If we can trap t-cells- better chance to change.
Reverse drug delivery.

Solution Applied
Platform
Probability for connection with RNA loaded particle, and target t-cell low with moving target. Need a trap!
Ab to surface marker on t-cell. Anti-H6 ab h6 domain.
What is both injectable and can be used as a trap?
20 years ago, distinct --++ charge zuoin, a putative z-dna binding protein in saccharomyces cerevisiae
EAK: a stimuli-response gelling material.
Soluble in water. Sodium and potassium- stack beta sheetss-fibers-crosslinnked network-membrane-like structure.
Could be platform for trap.

Specificity
Problem is how to get t-cells (only) to stick.
Functionalize EAK film with his-tag.
This changes conformation from bsheet to ahelix, no sheet anymore. Mix original and his tag at 4:1- can get his tag into cross linked network.
Can line up when packing sheets such that his tag sticks out on the end.
Are these two peptides really integrated or non-specifically adsorbed- will leave first chance it gets.
Evidence of integration Chem signature and conformational change. Peroxidase with Ni (binds his), proof of accessible his tag.

Results AgainCan last at least 7 days.
Add antiH6-IgG-something-something- IgG
Can clustered ab bind antigens?
Yes, remain functional - paper
Does it work in a living system?
An injectable system to concentrate antibodies in small murine footpad tumors.
By 72 hours its gone normally, but still high in animal with this system.
Difficult because tumors have high interstitial pressure.
Using these hooked up to FAP fluorogen activating signal. Flouescent once they get into binding groove.

These are notes from a talk given by Dr. Wilson S Meng on April 20, 2012 at Duquesne University, and my own thoughts, comments, and connections while listening. Some notes may be inaccurate and/or misspelled.

Me and My Friend Jack, Better Known as The Western Psych Shooter

2012-04-14T12:35:00.000-04:00

Jack Shick August 26, 2011

Fair Warning:
This is nothing more than a very long, disorganized, and probably not-worth-reading ramble of my experience with Jack and my thoughts, compiled because I'm a think-reflect-takeaway person moreso than a feel-emote-ick person. Also, if anything I write makes me a bad person, well, I thought it long before I wrote it, so I already was anyway.

The Beginning

Arriving two days into the training week for new graduate students, one of my co-workers ducked into my lab. "Have you heard about Jack?" Her eyes were wide, a common thing for this very expressive friend of mine, but this look would be mirrored again and again on the faces of other students throughout the day as they told me stories of this new and odd student. I soon learned all about the first days of this guy who had yelled at one of our beloved office assistants and the supervisor of our teaching assignment. He had not focused on the task at hand during training times and had even prepared a presentation on the wrong topic. I didn't meet him, as I was busy catching up on work, but the next day I was excited to find that we would be teaching together. I now had a new and (very) different person to meet and probably a few challenges to keep me on my toes and thinking outside the box.

I still hadn't met Jack when I sat down for our first pre-teaching meeting. He came in late and scribbled on blank pages, obviously lacking the papers he should have had with him. I had brought far too many of our print-outs, so I used passing him a set as an excuse to turn around and get a look. Underwhelmed by his seeming average-ness, I focused on the meeting until we had a break. I introduced myself as his teaching partner, and handed him a pack of stickers for grading. He thanked me and drew a dot on an index card. He held it up, gesturing to the dot with his pencil, "Do you understand the difference between accuracy and precision?" I said, "Of course," and he explained that precision is very important to his understanding in interactions. I told him I could work with that and he suggested that I follow our conversations with a summative email to ensure communication is clear. We agreed that I'd teach the first class, and that over the weekend we would meet to look at my lecture.

Working

Before our first class together, since he had yelled at two individuals before, I sat down with him and explained that students can be rude and ignorant and if he ever felt like he needed to walk out of the room and take a minute, that he should just let me know and go ahead. I told him that, while it was important not to raise his voice to or in front of the students, if he needed to yell at someone that he was welcome to yell at me after class. My feelings wouldn't be hurt, and I would not be angry with him. (I'm pretty sure he never did yell at anyone besides me after this point) We sat down over my lecture slides, and I explained my choices in images and examples to give him a starting point for the next week. He liked my choices and appreciated my reasoning behind them.

The first class went well. With a previous co-teacher, I had to follow throughout the lab to re-answer all the questions he had answered, which I was thrilled to not have to do this class. He was fine with the students, and I reported this to all (and their were quite a few) who asked. The second class was a simple one that he taught the material for, and while not spectacular, it is wasn't particularly horrible. The third class, I noticed some of his answered questions needed re-answering (the class was becoming more difficult), as he tended to provide answers that, while correct, were certainly over a freshman's head. The next class, he taught, and it was an absolute disaster. I knew students hadn't learned, and were going to complain. Things just went downhill from here.

I met with various individuals in positions to help out, but his teaching was ineffective, and the students were suffering. After a couple of attempts at helping him improve failed (over the first month of classes he would happily take advice and discuss concerns with me, but after a certain point he stopped), I began documenting the unacceptable behavior as I had been asked to do.

No reason to be afraid. No reason not to be prepared.

For some context: When I was young, for reasons not pertinent to the story at hand, I slept with a T-ball bat, and my mother with a baseball bat. I was quizzed on procedure and alternate plans if "bad people" came into our house at night. As an adult, I've been close to chronic violence and I've shared the occasional meal (and likely ride) with former violent criminals. I've had more than a decade of martial arts training and studied books from the oeuvre of "The Gift of Fear" and "Telling Lies." Like many people, when I sit down to eat, I try to take the seat that allows the greatest field of vision and I take note of an exit route or two and a ducking spot. My small battery of background in this area has suggested to me me, more than anything, to always have a plan or three, because at the end of a violent day you can't know enough, though, really, often it doesn't matter if you know anything.

Not once did Jack ever do or say anything threatening to me or the students, but being a planner, I have always had a unique procedure for a given class, were there to be a school shooting or similar emergency. (Duquesne has had one before) This year, maybe because I was subconsciously concerned about Jack once he was let go, but most likely because the popularity of discussing the Zombie Apocalypse made it convenient, I let a small handful of students know (in an emergency, we'd need more than just me), that in the case of a Zombie Apocalypse, they'd be one of the people I depended on. I told the key couple what role I'd need them to play and asked if they could handle it. Though it was in a joking manner, these are kids who didn't laughingly agree, but stopped, contemplated the situation, discussed better possibilities and costs versus gains, picturing the scene and how to best respond. That's why I had chosen those students.

Friendship

After our first class, we went to lunch at Subway. I told him about my home, my family, and schools I'd attended. He told me about his schools and living in New York and that he preferred not to talk about his parents, but that he was an only child, too. Both former chemists in a biology program, we talked about our interests and worked through some derivation problems in our heads. I think he was qualifying me for friendship with this, and I was happy to play along. Eating with Jack became a fairly regular thing as did driving him home in the evenings.

We told stories of childhood, stories of college, and he did start telling me stories that mentioned his family, but stayed largely away from the topic. We talked about our favorite and least favorite teachers throughout life. In middle school one of his teachers yelled at him because he set his books down too hard on the desk, and that stuck with him. We talked about awkward college experiences. At Carleton College, when his alarm went off while he was out of the room, his resident assistant had allowed a neighbor to go in and swing the clock around the room, breaking things. (Speaking as a former RA- the abandoned alarm is an obnoxious, but regular, singer in the dorms that only warrants a note be written. And usually another note. And another.) He actually shared this at my telling a humorous story of nearly being locked in Western Psych during an RA obligation due to a very short-lived mistaken identity. (That story is for another day) He was very against treating children with psych drugs (he was very passionate about this) and very much against labels. We'd both been to the same area of Guatemala and we shared those experience. We talked about our beliefs and religion. I forget what he was originally...Presbyterian? But at the time, he was converting to Catholicism.

We also talked about the future. Jack wanted to see China and had started studying some Mandarin. When I told him that I had studied abroad there, he broke into some simple phrases, and I reciprocated. Jack was uncomfortable with trying to predict too far ahead what he wanted to work on. He said that because his background didn't include much biology, that he still had a lot to learn this year before really knowing that. He liked the idea of a family, but said that he'd need a wife to have kids and a girlfriend to become a wife, and that he didn't expect a girlfriend any time soon as he had never really had one. Jack was worried that he was getting older and that by the time he was in a situation to have kids, his age would increase their risk of certain serious diseases. He didn't want to subject a child to that kind of life. I had similar concerns (these risks are even higher for women).

We graded papers together and prepared for the lab that we taught. One evening, when the usual spots were crowded with undergrads on one end, and grad students who weren't very nice to Jack on the other, we decided to go to his apartment. On our way, he said that maybe we shouldn't (I'm a happily married woman, and he had no roommate), but then asked me if I thought it was okay. I told him that we could find some other place if he was afraid I'd cut him up into little pieces, but we didn't have much to do so it wasn't like I'd be there long. His apartment was clean, but not neat. He had some interesting items from previous travels and a few cool things he'd picked up along the way. There were a lot of books and papers (typical grad student) and we sat at his table, did the under 20 minutes of work, chatted a bit, and I left.

Usually, Jack and I had lunch and/or dinner alone, but a couple times he ate with me and my friends. He had a tendency to only discuss molecular biology throughout the conversation and to try to move the topic back every time it strayed. Since we ate, breathed, and slept this stuff, we all kind of looked forward to lunch as a break. A few days later, I asked Jack to dinner with us (my friends were very Jack-tolerant and I had obtained their pre-approval for this). He was happy at the invitation, and I sat down next to him as he collected his many belongings. "Jack," I looked up at him and touched his arm at the elbow to make this seem like a gentle suggestion instead of a criticism (something that was very important as he took criticism very hard), "Since we do science nearly 24/7, during the few breaks that we have like lunch and dinner, we try to lay off the shop talk. Would you mind helping us with that?" He sat his bags down on the floor and thought for a minute. "Maybe next time. I need to watch some TV or Movies first." I had to suppress a smile that he wanted to do prep work, but I told him that was fine and that I'd see him later.

"Smile," Jack would often say to people who looked serious. He commented regularly that he liked people's smiles. When I was alone with Jack, he was very very different from when we were with other people. With others, he seemed on edge or faking “casual”. He didn't maintain eye contact well. He seemed scattered and skittery. His statements were often without basis or flow and were confusing. He also had a very uncomfortable expression that he made (see picture above) when he was feigning interest. When it was just us, he was a relaxed person unless it was an exciting part of the story he was telling or we were leaning over some nerdy goodness scribbling across the sheet. He was engaged, and instead of awkwardly feigning interest when I'd hit a topic he was bored with, he'd simply say, "I have no interest in that," and I'd move on. I found this directness refreshing. I enjoyed talking about science and the world with him. Other people's lives bored him, but that was fine. I could talk about people stuff with anyone else in the world. He challenged me to think. He challenged me to really defend my positions and methods. He had a very nice smile and a warm laugh that I never saw and heard when other people were around. Maybe he was just better with people one-on-one.

Jack had trouble understanding appropriate behavior. Early on he asked me to let him know if others didn't like anything he did. I told him immediately not to yell at people besides me as he had done the first week, and let him know other things as I found them out. When I saw an email he was writing to one of our supervisors, I asked if he minded that I suggest different wording to avoid sounding rude. After that, he asked me to help write and revise a number of his emails. He recognized that he didn't always know what made people mad, and was glad to have my help. When he was confused as to why the others might suspect something that he said wasn't true, I pointed out that when he visited he was "John from Oregon" and that when he started in the fall, he was "Jack from New York." Other students in the department had made fun of this and referred to him as John-Jack or Jack-John the first week behind his back and ultimately started calling him JJ when he wasn't around. Stay classy, folks. (The undergrads called him "Fanny Pack Jack" because he always wore one) He explained that he was visiting from where he had been living in Oregon, but that he was from school in New York, and that Jack was a nickname for John. I asked him if he'd explained this to anyone when he first arrived with a different name and location. He said that he didn't think people would have any interest in that information.

For an example of how his mind worked when we discussed these issues, I'll give a detailed description of an amicable discussion we had once. After a couple of weeks, I heard that he'd been emailing a female student regularly about going to get lunch or study together. He had been making this request of many people, including guys, and couples. He was trying to connect, but he had a crush on this girl and was going overboard. When I explained that he was making people uncomfortable, he looked perplexed and said something to the effect of, "I'm certain that people ask their co-workers to lunch and their classmates to study. Isn't that what I'm doing?" I explained that, if turned down the first time, one shouldn't push for it. He suggested that he may be turned down or ignored for a legitimate reason, like an unavoidable commitment or not receiving the email in time. I agreed that this was a possibility and suggested that, statistically, the likelihood of that being the case went down with each request. He suggested that this wasn't true- if she is busy during a particular number of lunches, x, over a given number of total lunches, y, then each time he asked her out, the probability that she was free was (y-x)/y. I agreed that when predicting one future outcome based on her actual schedule, this was true, but that we were not predicting what will happen next time, yet, and that I'm questioning the assumption that the response is based on real excuses. We are considering the probability that she has had a good reason to ignore or turn down the invitation some large number, n times, in a row. This means that we have to find probability, p, that p=[(y-x)/y]^n, so p decreases as n increases (just trust me that this is meaningful to some of us nerds). Given the law of large numbers, yes, this is possible, but it is certainly not probable. Think Occam's razor. To this he said something to the effect of, "Tomorrow, I'll ask a different girl to lunch." I took a breath (my applied mathematics is rusty, so I was happy to escape the stats before messing up), and explained that because he's asked many people (mostly girls-because our department is mostly girls) in a short time, then one person many many times over a while, other students had talked about it in a very negative way and would be unlikely to say yes, but quite likely to be pushed (depending on which person it was) into making a formal complaint. I told him that it would not be good for him, socially to continue this behavior. He wasn't sure about this, so I told him that while I recognized that he was the superior chemist between us, I was quite good at reading people (a relative statement), and that it may be useful to consider me the Jennifer and Jack Team Expert on the subject. He agreed, and stopped the invitations. [Wow, it was difficult putting all those pieces back together. Something may be out of order, but I think that is all we hit on and this is the logical order, so it is probably close if not accurate to our original talk.] This lasted until we were no longer really friends.

As for other people, there were a handful of us trying to help support Jack, but every time he overheard others making jokes at his expense and every time that someone lost patience with him (I was definitely guilty of this a couple of times), he became more and more defensive and reached out for help less and less. He withdrew farther into his own head and shared less of himself. We had a couple of frank conversations, which were obviously very difficult for him, but he allowed them because he was trying very hard to change his natural tendencies to fit with the social norms. He was mostly worried about making people mad, but the one time that I suggested that a couple of people were nervous around him, he was completely baffled and very hurt. He only mentioned one person by name who was mean to him, and his primary focus was, “What did I do to her to make her be so mean?”

I want to be clear: I understand the need to say, "Hey, this is life and this bit and that bit are kind of ridiculous," and to laugh. I did and do it, myself. But there is a line between this behavior and that of judgement, prejudice, and malice. Some (not all!) were truly being malicious and having no regard for feelings of someone who is trying very hard to be more like them. I'm not naive. I understand that people who are different are often treated badly, but when those you think are above that behavior disappoint you, it brings the collective failing into greater relief.

Finally, one person, who took offense to something he had said, stood in front of much of the department, screaming at him viciously. Don't get me wrong- I'm sure that whatever Jack said to him was horribly offensive (he didn't know what it was that was so bad and the possibilities he listed to me couldn't have been it). He was often horribly offensive to good people who were just doing their jobs and sometimes even trying to help him, but as his constant worry about making people mad indicates, he really didn't understand what those things were and how to avoid them. Anyway, I'm sure what he said was just awful, but this public and prolonged display of intense anger by the other was really really bad. He sat there quietly blinking at the other man's rage until a neutral party pulled the yeller around one corner, I went to Jack and asked if he was okay. He said that he was and accepted my offer to drive him home. This was the first bad time. On the way to his place, he became quite upset with the whole situation. I tried to say reassuring things, but when he became a little ridiculous with his aggravation at others' behavior toward him, I pointed out that there were some things that he did to make those others react badly. This was a mistake on my part because he was already so much on the defensive. He told me to let him out of the car. I told him that it wasn't safe where we were and not to worry, that I wouldn't speak the rest of the way. When I dropped him off, I told him I was sorry to upset him further. I emailed (or texted?) him a follow-up on that and asked if he was still mad at me. He said "Don't be silly," but Monday at work, while he didn't seem angry, he acted totally different. Once again I asked if he was mad and he said, "That's a stupid question," in a harsh tone. From then on I was other people to him and he was only slightly and rarely the Jack I'd spent time with before.

The last 3(?) weeks were very different.

The following day, we had planned that I would help him organize his lecture for the week to come. Remember than criticism was very difficult for him to process without becoming deeply offended and going on the offensive. I asked if I could look at his slides and maybe we could talk about them, and he tried to put it off, but ultimately agreed. He took out his computer and opened it, starting it up. I noticed that his hands were shaking severely, making this task difficult, and he stared heavily at the keys and asked me when I graduated from a school that he knew I didn’t go to. Very confused, I said that I hadn’t gone to random-prestigious-school, but to the ones that we had talked at length about in the past. He said, "Oh, you're a liar and I don't want to work with a liar," shut down his computer, and stormed off. When instructed to work with me on his lecture by the boss, he asked for proof behind every change. (Paraphrased) "How do you know our freshman biology students don't understand calculus-based physics? Prove it." I couldn't get through. He was angry and yelling, but as submissive about it as my smaller dog is when he grumbles while my bigger dog takes his toys. Ultimately he said very gently, “I don't like to fight, so I'm going to leave,” and did. He emailed me minutes after, thanking me for being so calm. There were little good conversations here and there (usually about research) and bad conversations (usually about teaching - he had been relieved of that duty and had to get me all his graded and ungraded papers). He began to need all work discussions of ours (who grades what, etc) to be approved by one of our bosses. He un-took all the advice I had given him, and resumed pursuing one crush, then another, bringing up marriage, then another, telling her he loved her. When I checked on him, since the day he was screamed at, he always told me he was fine, where previously he had told me what was actually going on. Once he did ask for help and I did what he wanted (send a copy of my powerpoint to someone). Eventually, he was dismissed. He sent an email to all of the department, and two other departments (with private emails from administration left below in the re: re: part of the message), requesting recommendations for another grad school or job. He was asking what we thought he'd excel in and where, geographically, we'd recommend. He asked, "how have I failed you that you are afraid to spend time together?" and, "What do each of you want out of life and is there anything I can do help you attain that goal and to encourage you to be happy?" I responded and was a little harsh, but it was hard truths that he needed to grab hold of to achieve success.

I had one opportunity. On a day when I was very busy and tired, he requested that we sit down and work out some biology problems together. I told him I didn't have time. That was him reaching out and me shutting the door. I should probably feel guilty about this, but practically, every time he had a problem with me, he'd need this, and either (a) eventually I just couldn't get together with him, producing the same outcome, or (b) we would sit down and do it, but ultimately I'd get something wrong and he'd loose respect for me, anyway. I tried to send friends of mine in to be the me-replacement once he started treating me like other people, but it didn't work.

Email response near the end of Jack's time at Duquesne

I wanted to text him and ask if he was okay, but, first of all, he probably wouldn't have responded since we weren't exactly bff's at this point, and secondly, he wasn't allowed to contact "girls" in the department, and I was worried that it would be stressful and difficult for him to make the judgement as to whether to answer me or not if he wanted to.

Leaving

He was always taking Asprin- a ton of them, which I'm sure made him sick and that he offered to people like chewing gum. He had told me before that he had some acid-reflux like problem, and was often in a lot of discomfort. The very patient (and sweet) people that were in his class came to me one day worried about him. He had taken quite a few caffeine pills. We sat down and calculated how much it would be and it wasn't near overdose levels. This got worse and worse with time, and toward the end, he would sometimes lay on our couches moaning.

He had been given the semester off of teaching in hopes that he would improve before starting again. His interactions with people became less and less productive and made over-reaching requests for information, like ring size (at a later point he bought a ring that he was trying to sell to people), someone to read something off the internet and summarize it for him, and he wanted to see my passport and other documents. He had returned to pursuing a couple of the girls in our department and had moved from suggesting lunch and studying to potential marriage subjects and declaring love.

With the girls that he was harassing most, he really lucked out. They were genuinely good people. They gave him every opportunity to learn how to behave appropriately. His contact with them wasn't threatening or sexual, but the frequency, persistence, and depth of one-sided feeling expressed was far beyond inappropriate and unprofessional. Once it reached this level, it had to be stopped.

Not one day did Jack walk into my presence a dangerous person. I can't stress this enough. Serial killers have likely been pre-serial killers most of their lives. They were dangerous even before killing people- when they were children torturing cats and burning down sheds. Crimes of passion involve less time- minutes to hours, and these people are fine up until this point, but probably have bad tempers and are quick to anger. Jack was neither of these. He had a plan and guns. He probably wasn't dangerous the over-3-months before, when he was at Duquesne (though I wasn't around him the last couple of weeks, so I don't know what he was like then). Jack would have needed weeks to plan this, looking for somewhere to place the blame for the badness in his world. Nobody was around him to see this change and try to pull him back from the edge. Had he been around somebody, anybody, or a group of people would have been even better, they would have noticed a change. He would have stopped planning for the future. He would have been in this mind set- dangerous- for weeks. He would have been a person in a place to take a life, and there was no one to catch him right then.

I have a lot of frustration with the people who unduly called him dangerous when he wasn't. He was not a psychopath. He was not the type for a passion killing. He would have planned this for weeks. He would have walked around dangerous and we could have seen it. The people in his neighborhood did. We did not. He was not dangerous when he was with us and I just hope that it wasn't a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The thing about being on the edge of something, is that the other side of the edge- the one you are on at the moment and trying not to leave- is of something else. I can't help but think if more people were pulling him back that way instead of pushing him the other...

The three arguments we had always involved him lowering his eyes, backing away as he spoke, shoulders hunched, and eventually leaving the situation. Anyone can be dangerous if put into the right position. For most of us, the boundaries around those positions are expected and obvious to one another. (i.e. If you become a danger to my god-kids, I will become a danger to you.) Jack's world was a different place. And he had trouble making and maintaining connections. Those boundaries for him were undoubtedly different, and there was no way to discern them. I spent 3 weeks trying to find him again, or help someone else find him, but it was just not an option for him at that point. Nobody was close enough to understand his behavior. This is why, once it was clear that he could not let anyone peek in to see where those boundaries might lie, I voiced my position that he should not be in our program and explained this concern to the person who's hands the situation was in at the time. At some point, he found himself inside those boundaries of badness, and for that, a great many have suffered. I mourn for the life lost and the terror spread, but I am grateful for the safety of my students and co-workers.

Throughout this time, I was in meetings escalating appropriately for the situation with his teaching at one level a week later at a third party's concern for my safety at another level, and finally, a week later at the concern about ambiguous behavioural boundaries at yet another level. Before this, his behavior made sense to me, because he could explain himself and we could talk about things, but now the curtain was drawn, and despite our attempts to get him to connect with other people, it just wasn’t happening.

Everything moved at an expected pace, any faster, and it would have been discrimination against him for being weird- any slower and it wouldn’t have been taking care of the other students. Keep in mind- at no time was Jack aggressive at Duquesne, he never made unwanted physical advances, and he never made threats of violence. When the Duquesne Police called, because my name ended up on some complaint somewhere (though I didn't have "complaints," I had concerns), I declined to get involved. I have to give big praise here to the administration of my school. I always felt supported by the leaders in these roles. I never felt like I was put in a position that I was uncomfortable with, and I always felt like I knew who to go to with what.

Had he been expelled immediately from Duquesne for being weird, no one would have been with him that whole time and if he had slipped into this state and needed someone to blame, it may very well have been Duquesne. Had he walked into a gen bio class of 250 students, the injuries and loss in life could have been many times over what it was at Western Psych.

When he left Duquesne, he was applying to other grad schools, considering travel, and generally planning for the future. When he walked into western psych, he did not have his stuff with him. He did not have his stuff with him, which if you knew Jack, you know how huge that was. He did not have his stuff with him- he did not plan to survive that day. I know he tried to leave out a door to a garage from the news, but who knows- maybe he had an escape route just in case it worked out, maybe he had somewhere else to hit next, but he didn't plan on living. When he left Duquesne, he was planning on living and he was not dangerous.

Western Psych

It was 3pm Thursday, and leaving from lunch with my cousin, the television alerted me to the shooting. I said the typical, "Oh goodness," and left, turning on my tablet's police scanner for information. I'm fairly certain it is illegal to disclose what you've heard over a police scanner, but the most important thing is what I didn't hear. Since this was more than an hour after the shooting, I had missed the description of the shooter. If I hadn't, I'd have known: Jack always had a fanny pack and wore two watches (because sometimes he read digital better and other times he read analog better). Soon, the police had switched channels and I thought no more about it besides taking in another oh-so-tastefully worded comment or two about how it might have been Jack. Note: Every time anyone did anything crazy, someone suggested "It could be Jack!"

Roughly 26 hours after he walked into Western Psych shooting, two of my friends saw a minutes-old news update with his name. They took the information up the latter and soon my inbox shared the news along with direction not to speak with any reporters. (This restriction was lifted soon after.)

The man that he killed was named Michael Schaab and was 25 years old. He was a counselor for the elderly and had just gotten engaged. His sister had been killed violently just 17 months earlier at the age of 26.

I don't think there are words...

Final Thoughts and Random Bits of Little Things

If asked what phrase Jack said to me most often, it would certainly be, "You're good friend." I kept telling him that whatever little thing I had just done should be expected of me as a friend, but that I appreciated his appreciation. Now, I just wish I could go back and shake him a bit and say, "Hey, b-t-dubs, I would still like you (and would actually be more intrigued) if you had happened to have been arrested and/or committed at some point. In context, I could call Jack on any bullshit he tried to pull. I had a baseline of him for current thoughts and feelings and actions, however, when he talked about the past, I had nothing. I told Jack once, sitting in the tutoring area of our department, that I couldn't read him very easily, and that I really liked that about him. I told him that he could sit there there telling me fake stories all night, and I'd have no idea. I can see his chuckle at that in my mind. :) Ultimately, Jack told me a lot of lies, all about his family and past (it makes me smile every time I think about all the slick ones he pulled passed me), but if he had just shared this one part of himself, I would have been more than eager to be all up in that. It would have been good if I could've told him that nothing he'd done would make me like him less or scare me off. I wish I'd had the opportunity to earn the complement he bestowed on me so many times. I would have done a good job of it.

This is such a strange thing to think about since this was a friend of mine. I'm not over here gasping, and thinking "How could it be?" That isn't the problem. It's just that this was my super weird friend who then wasn't really but then wasn't allowed to talk to me and then went and shot up a room full of people all in a few months. For the past two days (I'm writing this 3 days post-shooting), I've watched the news go from having only his name, to adding what neighborhood he lived in, then what building, then comments from the couple down the hall, then where he lived before Pittsburgh and that he'd temporarily changed his name (not surprising, but I didn't actually know that), then where he started college, then where he ended college, then where his parents lived, then that he was a student at Duquesne, then a few more details have trickled in a bit here and there since this morning, but it seems to have come to the end of the story. Yesterday a news reporter emailed me. It is just strange. He gave me a stapler as a gift to cheer me up during a bad week because I like office supplies. He wanted to travel to China. He thought about his future kids.

I’m a bit frustrated with my lack of patience with him. We certainly butted heads a couple of times when teaching the last couple weeks that he did. More than once those last three of weeks he was at Duquesne, I threw up my metaphorical hands, and walked away. I try, but I’m not a fire hydrant, silently at the ready for all time. Still, in the future, I hope I will have more tolerance and fortitude when dealing with people who try my patience.

I try to think that there was not a thing that any of us who knew him at this time could have done to help him. Some of us tried. We tried again. We tried in a different way. And, truly, he tried. He accepted guidance and needed to be re-convinced. He accepted more advice, but needed it to see proof. He tried so hard to let, at least me, in (I don’t know for sure about his relationships with others). And then that one day, it was too much, and he just stopped. He was completely unable to accept help in a long-term way. Even when he tried because he knew he should, he couldn't maintain that.

What I can’t help but think is that, of course this was a possibility. Jack was a guy with some problems. He had no family around. He had no real friends by the time he left Duquesne, and the only people he had any friendly connection with, he was no longer allowed to contact. He had no job. We took a person with problems and severed every connection he had to this world, hoping he would land on his feet, or otherwise not caring. Expecting that if he didn't, some societal net would catch him: hospital? police?

I know it is natural to ostracize those that do not or can not conform to social norms. I know it, but I don’t understand it. I just don’t understand why, instead of recognizing and enjoying people as they are, others need them to fit. Giving someone who is different a chance to get along with you as long as they behave normally, isn’t giving them a chance. They can't.

I wish he’d shared his history, though I understand why he didn’t. I’m hard of hearing and ADD and quite dyslexic and I keep that all on the DL as much as possible, because no one wants to hire that person. Still, I might have had more patience and others might have been nicer. But wishes, of course, are for children.

I've had people say that I went far above and beyond with Jack. I don't think this is the case. When I was young, I chose the teddy bear with the crooked stitching and only one eye, because I was afraid that no one else would love him and I knew that I could (to be fair, I also thought it made my Mum proud). In kindergarten, I made friends and played every day with the slow girl because no one else would (to be fair, I stuck with her was partly because she let me make the bulk of the play-time decisions). In middle school, I gave up much of my free time daily to help a new student who didn't speak English through her work (to be fair, I was kind of bored and this gave me something new and exciting to do). Overlay liberal values, Christian values, a mother who was a Special Ed teacher, and the fact that I can be a bit of an odd duck, myself, and this behavior is not unexpected. It is not above and beyond. It is simply what a good person, a good Christian, and someone who can look at great differences and see beauty does. It's the broken people I love and those who experience the world differently who I enjoy. I've never regretted looking out for any of God's children and teddy bears, and I never will. Every human should be cared about by someone. (To be fair, Jack was also my best opportunity to totally nerd out with someone over pages of numbers to play with on a regular basis)

I feel a bit burdon-y because I know good little bits and other people don't. I recently lost a person close to me that I loved dearly, and she was amazing and inspiring and loving and well loved and a school teacher, and there are thousands of people walking around today with little good bits of this person we all valued so highly. In our very very short friendship, I saw little good bits of Jack. I’m sure his parents have little good bits of him, but from the stories I’ve read, he didn’t have many good friends. I feel like after just a few weeks being close with this guy, I’m one of the few people who miss him at all.

Many of my co-workers have said something to the effect of “It could have been us.” Yes, I see that. They are talking about the possibility that our department could have been the shooting victims. Plenty of people are covering that thought for me, so I feel pretty satisfied just to gloss over it. What I can’t help but think about in the “It could have been us” vein, is that so many people could have ended up like Jack, and still could. He was an only child, his parents far away. He didn’t have close friends in the area. He had some problems that led to him losing his job, and then he was all alone. It’s not difficult to end up all alone if you are having a rough go of it. Alone, the jump from needing help to murderous rampage is just a lot smaller.

I’ve found myself repeating some things to people so many times that they’ve lost all meaning:
I think people just have breaking points, and that it is more of an internal limit than external.
There just is no fixing some types of broken.
I just would have wished better for him, for the people he injured and traumatized, and for the man that he killed.

I was watching Skins series 4, and the JJ character was wearing two watches: one digital and one analog.

I have not been provided the capacity to understand why things had to be so hard for Jack, to figure out what made him cross that line, or to change what has happened. I have been provided the capacity to feel for those hurt and dead, to learn greater patience and diligence when trying to help, and for forgiveness.

To the officer who shot and killed my friend. If there is an afterlife- If there is a place where we can exist, free from illness and disability, and look clearly back on our time here, I have to imagine a healthy-minded man thankful that you stopped him when you did.

A gift from Jack, because I like office supplies and I'd had a bad week.

I'm not shattered by the loss in the battle to help Jack. When you take in strays, you heart has to go out to each one, but it can't break every time you fail. Because most of the time you fail.

There was nothing that anyone could have done. That's not true. There was nothing that anybody knew how to do. Knew that they should do. And could do.

I grieve for my friend.

A dear friend and priest-in-training (is there a word for that?) sent this to me when I asked for prayers:

Lord, make us instruments of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let us sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is discord, union;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

Update: Jack's parents have a blog where they wrote of their experience. It was nice to read.http://www.sv-moira.com/DeathofJohnShick.htm

[Whimsey] The Severus Snape and Tyrion Lannister Problem

2012-03-31T02:08:00.003-04:00

Alan Rickman is a spectacular actor, a master at his craft, and an incredibly hansom man.

Severus Snape is a wonderful character. My original copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone has little hearts around his name throughout the book. Part of Professor Snape's character is tied to the fact that he is a particular unattractive.

I understand that in films, attractive people are usually cast for all roles, and I have nothing but respect and adoration for Alan Rickman, but a little part of me grieves for a little part of Severus Snape that just cannot be when played by Rickman. Of course he does play the part brilliantly, doesn't he?

Peter Dinklage is also a magnificent actor. Though not all of his roles have been worth an artist like him, he's really done something great with the serious parts he has played. He is also a fantastically attractive man.

Tyrion Lannister is my favorite character in the Song of Ice and Fire books. Most of the series' characters are multidimensional, but Tyrion is a level beyond. He sees the world through a very relatable lens, and if I was reading the series from a physical book like I did Harry Potter, Tyrion's name would have little hearts around it as well. A part of what makes this wonderful character is the fact, of course, that he is extremely unattractive (and soon to become even moreso).

Peter Dinkage plays Tyrion amazingly. No surprise. The problem here is the same, though. This is a very hot man playing a character who's personality and experience are partially derived from walking through the world as an unsightly person.

This is not the end of the world, grant you, but I have a love-hate relationship with these casting jobs of actors I love who don't really fit physically in these roles that I love.

Note: All the images on this post are hyper-linked to their sources.

[Mini Wine Review] 2007 Monticello Black Rock Red Reserve - Wintergreen Winery

2012-01-30T22:33:00.000-05:00

Color: Deep Red
Aroma: Red Wine and Oak
Taste: Dry, but not crisp. Light warming oak.

I don't really like oaky wines, but this one is subtle enough to be enjoyable. This is a gentle, warm, wine for a dark, dry, red.

Their Description:
2007 BLACK ROCK RED RESERVE
Limited release. Our vintner's well-structured, unfiltered blend of 64% Cabernet Franc, 31% Merlot and 5% Chambourcin spent 31 months in American oak. Black cherry notes abound in both the nose and the palate. Full bodied with a nice smokiness which complements the fruit. Peppery finish with a hint of cocoa powder. Recommended pairings: beef, lamb and game dishes. Cheeses: aged cheddars, sheep’s milk cheeses, younger washed rind cow’s milk cheeses and mild blues.
http://www.wintergreenwinery.com/

[Issues] SOPA Non-Post

2012-01-18T00:53:00.000-05:00

This is a very very important issue. I do not have enough time in my life to properly read the whole thing, study the background and criticisms, and make evaluations. Unfortunately one must sometimes hang up their polymath dreams for an evening and just do their job, wash their dishes, and continue their regular skills training in other areas. When a time like this arises, I always try to keep in mind that nearly 30 years of life has provided me acquaintance with relative experts in many fields.

And so, instead of a real blog post of my own, I point you toward some excellent ones by the "tech boss by day, nerd hero by night" author of technical fowl:

(Updates in Red)
[2011 12 16] The House Judiciary Hearing on SOPA was a Messy Show
[2011 12 27] December SOPA Update: GoDaddy.com
[2012 01 18] The Day the Web Went Dark
[2012 01 18] 3-Part Harmony: Web Blackout slaps SOPA, MPAA Slaps the Web Blackout, Technical [2012 01 21] Fowl Slaps the MPAA
Vox Populi: SOPA and PIPA Put on the Shelf

Visit http://sopastrike.com/ for more information about today's strike and write congress here (it's an easy form).

Update: Check out this awesome TED talk about SOPA/PIPA

[Story] Pan Handlers of Oakland

2012-01-03T02:23:00.001-05:00

Early in my college experience, I loved to hang out on Forbes Avenue in Oakland with the homeless guys. Other than some spare change they never asked anything of me. I could just sit there with them and not have to be a good role model or smart or responsible or inspiring or anything other than just some person sitting on the ground.

http://www.pittsburghcitypaper.ws/pittsburgh/bill-dorseys-blues/Content?oid=1334782

Those familiar with the early 2000's Oakland streets would remember an older gentleman who was blind and would sit on a milk crate containing a boom box, singing beautifully as he rocked back and forth. His name was Mr. Dorsey. He wasn't homeless, actually. He had an apartment that he received disability money to pay for. He did, however, lack in funds for other things, like food and clothes, and in a place to go every day. Mr. Dorsey was no sit-around-the-house type of guy. He tried to get a job, but no one wanted to hire an old blind man. Once some drunk preppy white guys spit on him. Some really awesome other guys beat the crap out of them a block later. He called me Princess Jennifer.
(More about Mr. Dorsey)

http://africatalan.wordpress.com/2008/06/

Another beloved character of South Oakland at that time was Sombrero Man. Lloyd Hamilton could often be found on the sidewalk saying "Have any chaaaaaange? Change?" He was difficult to have a conversation with because he was very focused on the "Change" part of the moment. Sometimes he would sleep in Rite-Aid in the blood pressure chair, which made me like the Rite-Aid people extra, so I usually picked up what I needed there instead of any other local options. One Easter, he bought a bunch of Cadbury Eggs and had them in his sombrero. I was sitting next to him, because why not, really, and every time someone gave him any change, he'd give them one of the eggs. This was probably not too effective, financially, but it was fun to watch people deal with the surprise.
(More about Sombrero Man)

Spicy Sweet Chili Whatever

2011-12-04T17:34:00.001-05:00

Continually stir the sauce or it will burn

I like to make this spicy sweet chili salmon, but it works for chicken or whatever, too. The key here is getting the flavorings right for you. I always need more honey, orange juice, and soy sauce than I think I do. Just taste things as you go for proportions. I'm a dumper and a dasher, but very rough estimations of what I use are listed so you have some idea.

Pour honey directly on the salmon, or it will stick to the bottom of the bowl

Salty-Soy Something:
     Soy Sauce (salty)                                             [1/8 cup]
          and/or
     Teryaki Sauce (more sweet per unit salty)       [1/8 cup]
Citrus Juice:
     Lime Juice                                                       [1 tsp]
          and/or
     Orange Juice (more sweet per unit citrus)     [1/8 cup]
Sweet:
     Honey                                                             [1/8 cup]
     Brown Sugar                                                   [1/8 cup]
Spices:
     Black Pepper                                                  [A little]
     Chili Powder (or ground/chopped chilies)         [A lot]
     Cumin                                                             [A little]
     Mustard Powder                                             [A lot]
     Cilantro (Ick- I don't like cilatro, but most do) [None]

[Video Review] NatGeo: Tornado Intercept

2011-05-27T12:03:00.000-04:00

Figure 1. Tornado from the video

The first half is really boring and of the "a film-maker has a dream" oeuvre, but the storms are fun to watch and the last part is moderately exciting. Not an excellent film, but certainly not a brain-dripping-from-my-ears film, either. If you enjoy storm videos, this is a good background movie while doing something else.

Figure 2. Also, you get to watch a guy drive around in this thing.

[Video Review] Tapped

2011-05-25T20:46:00.001-04:00

Figure 1. http://www.tappedthemovie.com/

At about 1:10:00, this feels like an incredible long movie. It can be divided into 3 parts.

Part 1 Bottled water: This is good- a little more in-depth and preachy than Blue Gold: World Water Wars, but still decent.

Part 2 Bottle manufacturing issues: This is way preachy and doesn't have the feel of integrity that the rest of the film does. It is playing on your emotions as opposed to presenting facts.

Part 3 Ocean pollution: Not really specific to bottled water, so it seems a little out of place, but it's actually a good overview of this very real problem. I recommend watching this by Jean-Michel Cousteau if you are interested.

[Video Review] Paper Clips

2011-05-24T19:15:00.001-04:00

Figure 1. The Paper Clips Project Movie

To me, this is a documentary, first, about the power of the educational process. The teachers were so frank about how, when the project started, the one was only thinking about her career and the other was a racist. They talked about how they explored prejudice with their students and how they, as poor southerners, were stereotyped, and how they naturally stereotyped others. They talked about ups and downs in the course of the project.

Second, it is a unique vehicle for exploring the history of the holocaust. Seeing parts of it through the eyes of these children reveals shock where there should be shock, but there is so often the numbness of having heard it again and again.

The evolution of the adults involved is highlighted and is inspirational, though a little tedious. At times it was a little trite, but this is not an educational natgeo type nor is it a Michael Moore-esqe docudrama. It is a story about an ordinary community doing something very meaningful.

Fair Warning: If you are a crier, grab some tissues before you start this one. I'm not a particularly emotional person, but I definitely got chill bumps more than once.

[Video Review] NOVA: What are dreams?

2011-05-23T20:31:00.000-04:00

Figure 1. NOVA: What Are Dreams?

I watched the Nova "What are dreams?" It was pretty good, but too abbreviated for my taste. Interesting point that I didn't know was that there are 2 kinds of dreams:REM dreams and non-rem dreams. The non-rem are associated with positive feeling and the REM with negative. Also, people can perfom a task, sleep & dream, and wake up to do it better.

[Handiness and Craftiness] Flip-Flop Storage Solution

2011-05-03T19:26:00.001-04:00

Figure 1. Flip-Flop Containment System

I keep little things that might be classified as "trash". I'm not a hoarder- all these little bits currently fit into one box. I just see the potential of this "junk". Case in point: Two years ago I made cut-offs out of some old jeans. I didn't like them much as jeans- they fit weird in the knees, but they are lovely cut-offs now. I kept the legs around, because they were in decent shape, and you never know when you might need 2 tubes of denim, am I right? Well, this past weekend, I was organizing our shoes, and I just had no good place for my flip-flops. They are numerous and smallish, so they end up underneath our other shoes.

Enter, 2 denim tubes. I sliced open what is now the top, stapled (because this is hidden in the closet and I really don't have the time to sew by hand) the sides, and nailed the top corners up. (Figure 1) Sliding the shoes in and out was difficult because of the extra slack in the back, so I pulled the material past itself in the middle, and stapled for a tightness (Figure 2), then I put a nail in two places, dividing where I would put my shoes.

I think this could also work for other do-dads like books or toys, though I'd certainly take the time to sew instead of staple with little ones around and be sure to pound the nails all the way in (my door wasn't a fan).

Figure 2. Material Tightening Staples

[Independant Discovery] The Pattern in the Sums of Digits of Perfect Squares

2011-04-28T23:48:00.000-04:00

I remember sitting in algebra 1 class. In 8th grade, students hadn't been separated out much by ability and so my merciful teacher, Mrs. Parker, was kind enough to overlook the lack of attention paid her by some of us. Those who could afford to let our minds wonder were usually doing something quite nerdy, anyway. My friend, Brilliant Beautiful Beth, and I (take a moment to realize this was a different day and age) passed back and forth better and better (and oftentimes quite entertaining) designs for explosives. My boyfriend, Outstanding Oakland, sat at the back of BBB's row with a compass and a straight edge, sure he could find a method of forming a perfect triangle with only those tools. This is the part where a fraction of polymath readers think, "yeah, that was middle school," and another fraction think, "are these people from the same planet as me?" I assure you, everyone who has abilities in one thing certainly makes up for it by a lack somewhere else...Did anyone ever see me play basketball?

One day, I was playing with perfect squares. I wrote them down:
1, 4, 9, 16, 25, 36, 49, 64, 81...

Something popped out at me, for some reason:
One number was 9
One number was 36, and 3+6=9
One number was 81, and 8+1=9

I thought maybe this was a pattern, so I pulled back focus and looked at the short list again. I noticed that the last digits were:
1, 4, 9, 6, 5, 6, 9, 4, 1
It is a palindrome! (A word a had recently learned at quiz bowl, thank you Mrs. Hughes)
It turns out that I was identifying the diagonal of the Vedic Square.

I wondered what would happen if I continued it:
1, 4, 9, 16, 25, 36, 49, 64, 81, 100, (oh, a zero- that was exciting) 121, 144, 169, 196, 225, 256, 289, 324, 361, 400, 441, 484, 361…

The final digits went 1 4 9 6 5 6 9 4 1 0 1 4 9 6 5 6 9 4 1 0. I realized that 1 wasn’t the first perfect square- zero was, and so I grouped them: 0 (1496) 5 (6941) 0.

I went back to my original list of perfect squares, and in looking over it, half-heartedly added the digits in each number together (81:8+1=9, 64:6+4=10:1+0=0, etc), and another pattern began to emerge:

1 4 9 7 7 9 4 1 9 1 4 9 7 7 9 4 1 1 1 4 9 7 7 9 4 1 9

(1 4 9 7)-(7 9 4 1) 9 (1 4 9 7)-(7 9 4 1) 1 (1 4 9 7)-(7 9 4 1) 9

Beyond this point, I think displaying more lists of typed numbers will increasingly loose meaning, but you can get the idea by looking at the picture.

This was the first year my school had computers that went on the internet for us. (Yes, I'm that old) I didn't know how to talk about these things, let alone search for them. I showed this to my teacher, who in all fairness, didn't really pay attention. Turn about, of course, is fair play. Magnificent Mum smiled and told me that she loved me and that I was very smart. Otherwise, I set my little discovery aside. Once I got to college, though, it occurred to me to do a web search. Google (the new search engine that trumped yahoo/gopher/askjeeves) gave me two links when I searched it, both of which looked more like programming code than anything I knew how to understand.

Today, I decided to make a blog post, since I already had a scan of the thing that I had written neatly during some general requirement course in college. I re-googled, using the first full iteration of the pattern from the final column in the picture (1 4 9 7 7 9 4 1 9 1 4 9 7 7 9 4 1), and found only two websites that had it in any form:

Some 2012 Forum Discussion
(btw- LOVE these people! In another life I hope to work for the Lone Gunmen)

A Mathematics Discussion Forum
(love these people, too, hence the totally unnecessary minor in applied mathematics)

Anyway, I figured Polymath Voyage is my bully pulpit, so I thought I'd share. :)

[Sport-Like Activities] Intro to Backpacking Class

2011-04-14T13:05:00.006-04:00

In short: I recommend this class for any newbie.

I recently took a free Intro to Backpacking seminar at my local REI. It was packed full of information. The presenter had probably never done it before, as evidenced by the fact that nearly all the tips that weren't off the stock REI power point began with, "And, well, I guess that's it about that. Oh- but- wow, also sometimes..blah-blah-blah..so maybe do that too." Also, it ran roughly an hour over time, but despite the rough presentation, the guy really seemed to know what he was talking about and I (being a total novice) think that I learned a lot. Personally, I'm not sure that I'll ever go backpacking, but I've already applied some of what I've learned to other activities like biking. I've included a rough overview below.

Basic Considerations

Learn rules of public lands and wilderness area
Do an overnight practice with gear before a multi day trip
Avoid game trails- they look like abandoned trails
Use camp stove instead of campfire
Talk to a ranger
Check water availability- can bring filtration system and steripen
Wilderness and back country use permit if area requires
Extra batteries steripen, lamp, gps
3 season tent
Down bag compacts better - synthetic handles water better

Essentials

Clothing Layers

Long Underware
Winter cap even in summer
Rain layers
Wind resistant shell-primaloft insulation
Base - polar tech type

Water
Food
1st aid
Pocket knife
Storm proof matches
Map and Compass - gps can fail
Head lamp (better led and hands free long life) or flashlight
Sunglasses and screen
Emergency Blanket and space blanket
TP
Whistle or signal mirror
100ft of cord - bear bag, rain fly, spear with knife for fishing

Mainstays: Packs, Bags, and Tents

Packs

External Frame

Older, cheaper moderately heavy loads
Feels like carrying the load

Internal Frame

Load is more balanced, feels like wearing the load
More freedom and balance

Size

Usual 4k-5k cubic inches
4-6 pounds (ultra lites <3, loose comfort
S,M,L - iliac crest to c7 vertebrae, torso length
Gregory and deuter packs fit women best
# in pack name is liter size

How to pack

Bag in bottom (gear helps compress) stuff/compression sack if necessary
Water is heavy, so against your back
Break up tent- poles in outside side pocket
Tent on top- 1st thing to unpack

Bags

Types

Down (better)- more compact-able, lasts longer, pricier Higher fill number, more compressable, higher weight, smaller feathers
Synthetic - supposedly does better when wet, but pretty much screwed when it gets wet no matter what.

Open Cell Pad - more comfortable and compact-able
Closed Cell - warmer, lighter
R-value - resistance -additive

Tents

Up mesh, down weight
Hoop/Tunnel is lighter
Tarp- no flors or bug screens
Bug tents - no rain fly
Choose a tent ~4 lbs
1/2 dome rei old mountain man said good in rain, snow, hail
Aluminum poles are better than fiberglass

Other Items

Stove

Propane - lower altitude
@ Altitude, international whisperlight - white gas, unleaded - gas- alcohol
MSR pocket rocket

Clothes

Not cotton
Smart wool best for hiking
Liners to re-use socks
Lightweight marmot rain jacket
Light gloves and balaclava
Lightweight hiking footwear (gortex)

Food, Water, Cooking

Platapus to haul water
1L pot for cooking
1 bowl, spoon, cup
Camp suds
Move dehydrated meals to ziplocs from foil
Extra batteries
Pack-towels

Precautions

1st Aid Wilderness October
Trekking poles
Bears not known to attack groups of 4 or more

Books: Ultralight backpacker and Lighten up

Local Areas:
Beginners: Laurel HIghlands Trail, Racoon Creek State Park
Next: Forbes Park, Quebec Natural Run, Dolly Sods
Advanced: Black forest

Organizations:
Venture Outdoors
WPA Orienteering club
Keystone hiking club
Sierra club

[Video Review] The Beautiful Truth

2011-04-12T09:23:00.001-04:00

Unfocused, Generalizing, and Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

A guy in Alaska thought he'd make a documentary, but he wasn't sure what to make it about. He liked natural stuff and had heard of the Gerson Treatment of diet to combat cancer. He decided to use his son as a story-telling device (which he doesn't do very well), and filmed some ~~conspiracy nuts that had lost their jobs~~ experts talking about alternative thoughts on... well... all sorts of barely related stuff. They do, however, manage to demonize the AMA, ADA, FDA, American Cancer Society, Big Pharma, Medical Researchers, ConAgra, Monsanto, vaccines, doctors, dentists, and Nazi's all with one big brush while intermittently infomercialling for the Gerson therapy.

Some issues tackeled are:

The dangers of fluoride in our drinking water.
(This is the part where it is pointed out fluoride-scientist-Hodge worked on the A-bomb and that the Nazi's also put fluoride in drinking water)
The dangers of dental fillings and their associated mercury
How non-organic and cooked foods have different "energy patterns"
(This is the part where they show images that demonstrate nothing in particular.)
Genetically Modified Food dangers
Difficulty in the casket-making business in dealing with larger bodies.
(No joke.)

You can see basically the whole thing here.

[Teaching Excellence] Study Skill Tips

2011-04-09T20:34:00.000-04:00

Many of my students seem to become really frustrated when they spend a great deal of time studying, but don't get anything out of it. I asked what they do to study, and it turns out that they have some well-intentioned, but mis-guided ideas about how to study. Since I've been in school for just about ever, I put together how I've studied to get the most out of my efforts.

Memorizing
This is important in things like Biology.

Class Notes
Organize Take your notes, and rewrite them-organizing them.
Condense Take your re-written notes, and condense them. In the condensed form, put a key word or phrase instead a paragraph or list if you already know the information well. Try abbreviations. Try anything that works for you to get it into a more manageable amount of information.
Review your condensed notes, close your eyes, and recite or re-draw/write the info page by page
Review Sheets Use your condensed notes to make a very condensed version (no more than 4 pages) that you can review easily.
Reading the TextTake Notes You already take lecture notes, so you know how best to organize them so you can review them easily. (Some like bullet points, some like paragraphs, some rely on pictures, etc) Be sure to note any terms or concepts you do not know that aren’t explained in the text to look up and fill in. (These are extra great if you are not selling back your text and can take them right in the book margins and white spaces! I also like to highlight related ideas in the same color, then the next idea in a new one.)
Start with the Introduction If there is one, this is usually where you can find context for what you are studying.
Read the Section Headings and skim pictures This will give you an idea of the story your chapter is trying to tell you.
Read the Summary This usually tries to tie the details together and can make mentally organizing as you read a bit easier. If there isn’t a full chapter summary, sometimes there are section summaries (usually italicized) or section subtitles that will accomplish the same goal.
Read the Questions This will give you a hint as to what is most important in the chapter.
Start reading Now you can read the chapter.
Stop reading Every time a complete thought has been made, look back over it and the notes to make sure you understand. Look at the previous paragraphs, the next paragraphs, and the section title to orient the information.
Pictures Carefully study the pictures as they are referred to in the text. This is vital in biology, as many concepts are incomplete without understanding the accompanying diagrams.
New Questions As you move from one thought to another, try to think of a question that might be asked about each. Write that down along with the answer.
Note Management Follow the same procedure for your book notes as for the class notes.
Review
Plan to meet About 10 minutes before class starts, talk over the chapter with a study group. This will force you to review, listen to, and talk about the information.

Problem-Solving
This is important in things like Math.

Class Notes
Organize Break your notes down by section and concept. Complete the process for each concept before moving on to the next one.
Theory Copy the theory notes: The definitions and derivations. Repeat derivation copying (try to not look at the previous copy) until you can do it by heart. You do not need to understand it fully yet.
Examples Copy the examples, one by one. Repeat copying as before.
Compare By the end of the section, you should be able to identify the analogous steps between the theory notes and the examples.
Reading the Text
Read Read through the text for the section. This will help you identify exceptions and other key points about the process.
Problems (with solutions) Work out problems that have solutions available.
Problems (with answers) Work out problems that have answers available.
Problems Work out additional problems for practice.
Review
Practice for Speed Practice problems you have already completed for speed. On a test, this is what will really help you out!

[Healthy Life] Purees

2011-04-07T17:00:00.003-04:00

I fully believe that the best way to get good nutrition is to pick vegetables out of your ground/greenhouse/whatever (assuming it is toxin-free), rinse, and consume. Ideally, each one would be grown in conditions most conducive to reaching their full nutritional potential. In a perfect world, the plethora of vegetables, beans, legumes, and fruit on our dinner plates would be both appetizing and satisfying.

But that is not real. My mum's home cooking was of the McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Kraft Mac 'n Cheese oeuvre and my husband's diet when I met him was composed of chicken nuggets, Doritos, and yet more of the cheesy blue box. I've been working on improving this, but I have to confess: I don't like peppers, carrots, celery, asparagus, cauliflower, and all their little friends, though I do pretend most of the time to try to fool myself into eating them.

We do have some veggies with our dinners, but it is just a side, and I have a usual rotation that I use with The Mister- green beans, peas, broccoli, and carrots. In anything with a red sauce, I hide spinach, which my Aunt Marcie taught me. She also taught me that I can use applesauce instead of oil when baking. I use brown sugar or molasses instead of white sugar, so that along with the sweetness (and calories) comes at least a little nutritional value. I add a little pepper or lemon juice to almost everything savory I make, because science suggests that they increase bio-availability (they help your body absorb the nutrients that you ingest). I cook with olive oil (the good stuff that burns when you take a shot) in place of other oils, butter or margarine. I keep a refrigerated tub of the stuff for spreading. You get the picture- I try to make our food as healthy as possible. Despite this effort, we still probably have higher proportions of meat, carbs, starches, and cheese than we should and not enough of the vitamin-packed vegetables. The Mister and I aren't that many years off from having kids, so I've been thinking about how to address this, and get us into good habits before little and impressionable people happen.

Enter my friend, Cassandra. A couple of years ago, she and I were talking about cooking and she told me about Deceptively Delicious and the Sneaky Chef books. The main theme behind these books is to make purees of fruits and veggies, and include them in our regular cooking. The directions say to make them ahead of time and freeze them. This sounded great, but when I froze some, I found that I had to thaw the whole thing to get a little out each time. Not good, as freeze-thaw cycles degrade the good stuff.

Okay, so aliquots it is. Storage dishes left me lacking when it came to left-overs and took up too much space in my little freezer. Next came the ziplocs, but wow was that wasteful. Also, they froze into amorphous blobs that made it difficult to stack and to store other things around them.

Enter my friend, Stacy. Stacy has a son, and is a particularly awesome parent, who made her own baby food. This involved a lot of puree-ing. I remember her saying that she'd freeze them in her silicon muffin pans, and that it would be the right serving size. Soooo....

I stole that.

So we'll see how it goes.

[Quotation] Study of the Classics

2011-04-05T00:16:00.000-04:00

"Hayden and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn't. They invented them."
- Sam Seaborn

[Graduate School] Stolz Rotation

2011-04-05T00:02:00.000-04:00

I just completed a rotation in the Stolz Lab. I did some really neat things there. I'm not going to blog about techniques or results, but there were a few more general things that I took from this experience that I think are worth sharing.

Being a leader in your field isn't all that fun. Solutions that you need are not available for purchase and must be made from scratch each time. Equipment isn't designed for what you need, so jerry-rigging or modifying mal-adapted machines is often necessary. Every stride you make is questioned by all those lagging behind you.

Working in an over-crowded lab cramps my style. I need my own space- even if it is small- to organize my things and create a lean space with all my post-its and colored pens. I like to think through my experiments at my desk and in my notebook before moving forward. I like to read and study with my notes and primary literature and texts and laptop all accessible. For some this isn't important, but for me it turns out it is.

Life is amazing. Bacteria can use arsenic instead of phosphorus to build it's DNA. Others can use arsenic as a terminal electron source in photosynthesis (instead of water). These little bugs support the Ian Malcom principle of "Life finds a way," demonstrating the versatility of living systems. They live in crazy environments.

Finally, I must bring up that Dr. Stolz is pretty amazing. He had a Nature publication before finishing graduate school, he has had one since, and he has had two recent Science papers. He's had projects backed by all the usual suspects, but additionally by groups like the Department of Energy and NASA. He taught me at the bench, was always happy to make time for my questions, and was flexible with direction when students interest or needs led to a new path.

[Elements of Success] Biotech Seminar

2011-04-04T22:43:00.001-04:00

It was billed as a resume session, but it was way better than that. We met with two people from a smaller biotech company and one from a large company. From the smaller company we had a business guy and a research guy. From the larger company was a lady who started out in academia, moved into marketing, and is now in sales.

Notes about the Biotech Industry

Scale economies have to be achieved when they can be.
Marketing is very scalable because everything must be marketed.
Development is moderately scalable.
Discovery is not scalable.
In 2011 many drug patents expire.
Big pharma can't fix their discovery machine, so they turn to smaller ones.
Small to medium sized companies are where new stuff comes from. Large companies contract with the smaller ones.

Careers in Biotechnology

Look at internship programs.
PhD’s can do a post-doc in industry.
To get a job, networking (especially at meetings) is vital.
Technical training (B.S.) is a prerequisite even for business positions.
Cross-functional collaboration is key in small-medium sized companies.

Finding a Biotech Job

Try to get past HR with contacts. You must have a significant portion of the minimum requirements.
At some larger companies, a computer algorithm looks for key words in your resume/cv, so tailor them to match the job description.
The cover letter is very important.
The objective is what you can bring to the company.
“I want to bring my expertise to the company to help them meet their objectives.”
If working with a recruiter- meet them in person. (Big in Boston and San Francisco)

An Interview in Biotech

Expect:
30-60 minutess long
There should be ~5 relaxed intro, but no personal questions or off-limits topics.
Core assessment
-Objectives and resume
-Questions to identify behavioral characteristics
It should end with a wrap-up.

General:
Research the people who are interviewing you and get background on the company.
Behavioral- good communication during the interview is important to demonstrate skills.
Make good eye contact (A post on this is to follow)
Don't ramble. Be succinct without being abrupt.
Interviewee should talk 80% of the time.
Ask some questions to balance the conversation.
Don't answer questions with questions.
If you don't know: "I'm sorry, I can't answer that, can I get back to you?"
Business attire of course- better overdressed than under.

Specifics:
Background-Why are you interested in this company?
Legal- They can't ask about married, kids, nationality, etc. You can bring up your own info like this if you want.

Provide examples of situations when you
-made extraordinary efforts to meet a deadline.
-took responsibility.
-made key decisions.
-were flexible, adaptive, and handled hurdles.
-were given an assignment with little direction.

Demonstrate that you
-are not sensitive to criticism.
-take initiative.
-are forward thinking.
-are strategic.
-have good business acumen.
-can motivate the team.
-can deal with issues.
-have leadership/followership.
-are a team player.
-prioritize 1-Customer, 2-Company, 3-Team, 4-Self.

Demonstrate
-what you have brought to a presentation or talk.
-what you have brought to your team.

I must say that there was one note I had that I didn't understand at all. Please clarify if you know what it means:
"Know what the end goal is and predicted measures"

[Music] Classical

2011-03-27T21:13:00.000-04:00

In general, I am a big fan of meaty music. In the world of classical music, this holds true. I am especially partial to piano-heavy pieces since most of my classical exposure was through songs that I or my friends played as youngsters. This is how I developed my appreciation for the nuance and technique. (Shout out to Ms. Heckert!)

Rachmaninoff

I love Rachmaninoff because it always seems to be telling a story. Lots of music just drifts, but everything he writes is deliberate and free of filler. I first heard the Rach 3 on Shine, a movie about an Australian pianist.

Burgmuller
Master B has some bridging, unlike the R man, but he manages to keep you in the music, give you something to chew on, and never requires the complexity and layers of Rachmaninoff.

Gershwin

G is very USA. The music is free, playful, casual, and friendly.

(I don't think this actually counts as classical, since it is so modern, but this is my blog and I'll Gershwin if I want to.)

Chopin

C-pin has some good and some bad. It varies quite a bit, but I like it as long as I stay away from the flowers and bunnies stuff.

Mozart/Hayden/Salieri

These guys are also hit-or-miss, but they certainly have some enjoyable stuff to me. This may be due, though, to the fact that my mum always played Mozart to me to make me smarter. :)

[Series Review] The Lone Gunman

2011-03-27T19:19:00.002-04:00

I know I'm coming a little late to the party, but I just watched the series The Loan Gunmen.

The Good:

The central characters are true to their delightful X-Files selves throughout the 13 episodes.
The 45 minutes are well-paced.
The conspiracy theories are unexpected and fun.
There are only 13 episodes, which are both necessary and sufficient for a Lone Gunmen story.
A few X-Files cameos (Mulder, Skinner, and Morris Fletcher) make the end extra nice.

The Bad:

The axillary characters don't really come into their own until the end of the series.
The writing is not particularly clever.

The conclusion:
It was good background while organizing some old papers and filing. I would probably not sit down and watch it like a West Wing or the X-Files, themselves, but this was definitely enjoyable.