Ponder Stew

Recipe: Homemade Stuffing

2012-06-14T05:07:00.002+01:00

We serve this at both Thanksgiving and Christmas. We do not put the stuffing inside the turkey. I guess it is really more of a dressing than a stuffing? But we tend to use them interchangeably.

This is such an old tradition in my family that, until I moved to California after high school, nobody had written it down. It was just passed on from Mom to Daughters to Sisters to Nieces to Granddaughters, etc., via hands-on training during the holidays.

The first version is the huge-ass "feed an army" version. The second is the one I throw together when I'm just making chicken any ol' time.

Note: to dry the white bread, you can either tear it and spread it on a cookie sheet or two and bake it at 250F for 20-30 min, or you can leave it out overnight. Drying it out can be done well ahead of time and, to me, it's not as gross as leaving it out. If you dry it out in the oven ahead of time, let it cool thoroughly then put it into a Ziploc-type bag or other airtight receptacle until you're ready to use it. Same for the cornbread.

Family Size

double batch of cornbread (sweet or savory option, your choice), cubed (or crumbled) and dried

8 slices of white bread, cubed or torn and dried (I usually just use sandwich bread, but whatever)
2 Red Delicious apples, cored and chopped
2 celery stalks, chopped
1 large white or yellow onion, chopped
3 x 14.5oz cans of chicken broth
1 x 14.5oz can of water (obviously fill it after you've dumped one of the broths)
[now here's where it gets tricky]
salt and pepper to taste
poultry seasoning to taste
sage to taste
["To taste" = until the herbiness somewhat resembles that of Stovetop Stuffing.]

So, take all of the above and mix it in one of those huge, disposable, foil roasting pans (be sure to support the bottom as necessary).

Bake it at 350F, stirring every 20min or so. It should form a yummy crust on the bottom; be sure to scrape that up each time you stir.

Add/stir in more seasoning as needed.
Continue this charade until you're happy with the results or everyone's pissed that it's past time to eat. ;-)

2 more notes:
1. As I said, this has been passed to me verbally, and there's a lot of leeway for personalizing and improvisation.
2. Do yourself a favor and make this a day or two before. It reheats very well in smaller batches.

Lazy, Single Chick Version
(this one tends to be more bread-centric than cornbread-heavy)

1/4 batch of cornbread, crumbled and dried (I do prefer the sweeter version)
1/2 loaf of sandwich bread, torn and dried (the cheap, crumbly WalMart brand that is not fit for sandwiches works well)
1 Red Delicious apple, cored and chopped
3 chicken bouillon cubes
2 cups of water
1/2 Tablespoon rubbed sage
1 Tablespoon poultry seasoning

While the bread and cornbread are drying in the oven, put the unwrapped bouillon cubes into a large measuring cup or microwave-safe bowl along with the water, sage, and poultry seasoning. Microwave on high for 3 minutes. Stir the hot herb water until the bouillon cubes are fully dissolved.
Chop yer apple.
Place the apple, dried bread, and dried cornbread into a small roasting pan. Stir the hot herb water so that all the herbs are suspended in the liquid; pour it evenly over the dry bread and apple bits.
Stir the bread mixture with a serving spoon until it is just damp.
Spread the bread mixture evenly in the pan, but do not mash it or smooth it.
Bake it at 350F for 20-30 minutes.
Stir and enjoy. :-)

Recipe: Cornbread

2012-06-14T04:25:00.000+01:00

I really love sweet cornbread with spicy chili or pinto beans. I've also learned (to the detriment of my blood pressure & LDL count) that it is really good just warmed, buttered, and salted. It is also a key ingredient of my family's holiday stuffing/dressing.

For years I've used whatever recipe happens to be on the back of the current box of Quaker Corn Meal in my cabinet, but they've done something to the recipe in recent years and, for some reason, unless I divide the batter into two separate pans or use a 13x9" casserole dish, the middle doesn't bake all the way through.

In any case, what follows is what I'm using now; it's adapted from the back of the Quaker box I have in my pantry right now. If I ever figure out what the heck's going on with the middle coming out raw, I'll revise it. :-)

1-1/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup corn meal (I do prefer Quaker)
1 cup sugar (note: original recipe says 1/4 cup)
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup skim milk
1/4 cup vegetable oil
2 egg whites or 1 egg, beaten (I always just use the one whole egg)

Heat oven to 400F. Grease two 8- or 9-inch pans *or* one 13"x9" cake/casserole pan. (Note: if you use a liberal amount of vegetable oil to grease the pan(s), the edges of the cornbread will come out crispy-ish. Yum!)
Combine dry ingredients. Stir in milk, oil and egg, mixing just until dry ingredients are moistened. Pour batter into prepared pan.
Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until light golden brown and wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean (good freakin' luck!).
"9 servings." (Yeah, right! LOL!)

Recipe: Guacamole Salad

2012-04-08T19:59:00.000+01:00

I had a good friend in high school named Sarah whose heritage happened to be Mexican. Two dishes that I remember she and her mom making were burritos (a.k.a. "chimichanga" in some areas) and guacamole salad.

Of course, I already loved burritos, but from then on, I also loved guacamole salad. I've had guacamole salad at many restaurants in San Antonio in many forms, but I always come back to the basics.

2 ripened avocados
1 Tbsp lemon or lime juice
1 small onion, diced (I use white or yellow, but red would be good, too!)
1 small tomato, diced (Any variety is fine, but firm ones are best.)
2 cups finely shredded iceburg lettuce (if iceburg isn't available, any very crunchy lettuce will do)
1 medium or large bag tortilla chips like Tostitos or Santitas--NOT DORITOS! (or make your own)
Salt & Pepper

After removing the avocado "meat" from the skin, mash it in a medium-sized bowl with the lemon or lime juice.

Layer the salad in individual small bowls in this order: lettuce in the bottom, avocado on top of that, then tomato & onion.

Once it's served, I usually eat my portion by applying salt & pepper to taste, then mixing the salad with a fork. I use the fork to scoop the mixture onto a chip and stuff as much of the chip into my mouth as possible. :-D

Guacamole salad is great alone with iced tea, cold beer, and margaritas, or as a starter for a full Mexican meal.

Recipe: Enchilada Casserole

2012-04-08T19:39:00.001+01:00

Having grown up in South Texas, I love Mexican food. Well, not *all* Mexican food--I probably will never try tripas or menudo. Just not interested. There's plenty of delicious "normal" food to be had; I feel no need to expose my palette to offal.

Though I've grown up eating Mexican food quite regularly, I've never really been good at cooking it--even my tacos suck. But a few months ago, I was craving enchiladas, and I remembered that one of my sisters had mentioned making enchilada casserole.

She sent me her recipe and, since then, I've probably eaten enchilada casserole 2-3 times per month ever since. I make a big pan, eat some for supper, then freeze the rest. A quart-sized freezer bag easily holds one or two servings. I don't get fancy with reheating from frozen--I microwave it, bag & all, for 20 seconds, then turn it out of the bag onto a plate and microwave it for 4-5 minutes on high. Top it with cayenne pepper for an extra kick.

Be advised that the measurements in this recipe need not be exact; e.g., if I say a 10.5oz can of something, it's ok to use a 10.75oz can instead. It's supposed to be an easy recipe that you can adjust to your tastes and/or product availability.

Anyway, here's the recipe:

1-3lbs ground beef (sister's recipe said 1lb; I've made it w/up to 3lbs, and it came out great)
1 medium or large onion (I use yellow or white, but whatever. It's optional, anyway.)
1-10oz can enchilada sauce (I've never made it from scratch, but here's a recipe just in case)
Note: Some brands of enchilada sauce are available in different degrees of spiciness. You can always
sprinkle the finished product with ground cayenne pepper on a serving-by-serving basis if the can
you bring home turns out to be too bland.
1-10.5oz can cream of mushroom soup
1-10.5oz can cream of chicken soup
16oz grated Velveeta (or up to 32oz white or orange cheddar; I like the stringiness of melted sharp cheddar)
12-18 corn tortillas

Preheat oven to 350F.

Place the corn tortillas into a bowl, and cover them with water. Let them soak while preparing the meat.

Chop or dice (your preference) the onion.
Note: If you prefer your onions softer, put them into the frying pan with the raw meat. If you like them
crunchier, add them to the meat toward the end of browning or even later.

Crumble the ground beef into a large, deep frying pan. Cook over medium-high heat until browned. Remove from heat, and drain off the fat.

Return the cooked beef to the frying pan. If you wanted your onions crunchy, add them to the browned ground beef now. Dump the enchilada sauce, cream of mushroom soup, and cream of chicken soup into the ground beef. Stir until fully incorporated.

Smear a few spoonfuls of the beef mixture into the bottom of a 13"x9" rectangular casserole dish. Tear the soaked tortillas into quarters. Place a layer of quartered tortillas into the bottom of the dish followed by a thin layer of beef mixture and a thin layer of shredded cheese. Repeat this process until all ingredients are used up, ending with a layer of cheese on top.

Bake the casserole for 30 minutes.

Serve with a green salad (or guacamole salad!) and iced tea. Optionally, top with more raw diced onions, a dusting of ground cayenne/red pepper, and/or even more shredded cheese.

Serves six normal people or one glutton. :-D

Recipe: Strawberry Gravy [status: untested]

2012-04-05T08:45:00.000+01:00

I don't have the resources to experiment much in the kitchen these days, so somebody try this for me.

The Bloggess just posted the BEST IDEA EVER: STRAWBERRY GRAVY.

I tried to think what she might mean by that. We'll just ignore all the possibilities of what it could be drizzled (or POURED) on top of; let's just think about how to make it.

Here was my suggestion*:

*Actual screencap of my comment on The Bloggess's page

So what do you think?

Suggestions as to whether the flour and the puree would really work?

Should I be more precise regarding how the heavy cream is sweetened?

What do you think it would taste like?

What might it be good with?

Feel free to make your comments over on The Bloggess's post instead of here. But truthfully, unless you make them here, I'll probably never see them.

Toodles.

Oh! P.S.: I'm putting a list of Depression blog posts written by other sufferers in the sidebar. It might just have one today, but I'll have to google a bunch to find the ones I've read before.

Recipe: Texas Hash

2012-03-30T21:12:00.000+01:00

This is a dish Mom made for us growing up. I've surely modified it in some ways as I've prepared it myself over the years, but I couldn't tell you how Mom originally made it or which is better. I think the point of homemade skillet meals like this are that they're pretty basic, and you're welcome to personalize it--no hard feelings. :-)

Texas Hash freezes really well, and I like to have it in lieu of Meatloaf as comfort food as it's quicker & easier, and I don't have to worry about whether it's cooked through. It may heat up the house less since it doesn't have to be baked. Just guessing.

All measurements are approximate. Find your own happy balance. :-)

Deana's Texas Hash

2-3 cups of rice (cooked)
1.5-2 lbs ground beef
1 beef bouillon cube (optional)
1 bell pepper (optional)
1 medium onion, diced (or large or small or whatever. I like yellow or white onion for this)
Salt, pepper, & garlic powder (or cloves or whatever) to taste
1 12.5oz can green beans
1 12.5oz can sweet corn
1 12.5oz can diced tomatoes (or ~1.5cups fresh diced tomato, whatever)

If you don't have cooked rice on-hand already, cook according to package directions so that you'll wind up with 2-3 cups when it's cooked. You can use whatever kind of rice you want, but since this is mixed in, I like to use the long grain type that doesn't stick together. It's one of the few uses I've found for that stuff.

Brown the ground beef with the onion, bouillon cube, and seasonings in a huge skillet. Drain off the fat.

Drain the juice out of the canned vegetables (and the fruit, if you're going to be pedantic). Combine beef mixture with vegetables and rice in the skillet.

You can serve it by itself, or topped with shredded cheddar. YUM! I also like to top it with cocktail sauce and serve it with mashed or baked potatoes.

Enjoy! :-)

Twitter: New-Fangled Confessional Booth?

2012-03-22T18:53:00.000+00:00

I love Twitter. I like it that people say there what they might not say otherwise, even if they delete the tweet within 30 seconds of posting it.

Twitter has also brought to my attention some people of note who suffer from mental illness, the most recent being Peter

is an English actor, comedian, writer, composer, voice artist and occasional director," who was the voice of Darth Maul in "The Phantom Menace," and played Pete in "Shaun of the Dead." For Anglophiles: he's also been in "Spaced," "The IT Crowd," and "Black Books." [IMDB entry]

Today, Peter shared via Twitter a blog post written by Amy Jane Smith (whose name makes me think she's the offspring of The Doctor & River Song) along with sharing that he, too, suffers from Depression and Anxiety. [For DW reference explanation, see: John Smith, Sarah-Jane Smith, Amelia Pond, River Song]

I wouldn't wish Depression and Anxiety on anyone, but it does me good to see that there are others battling mental illness and are still successful in life. Also, I am grateful that they are willing to share their experiences with us so that we can find hope ourselves.

So, a big thank you to everyone who chooses to share with the world that they've struggled. Hopefully someday the stigma will be gone.

Update: Turns out Peter wrote a load of tweets on the subject! Busy compiling them now.
Update 2: Here they are...

I'm Blue

2012-03-21T20:05:00.002+00:00

Found this PET scan image by the Mayo Clinic very interesting (via Reddit).

Depression is a physical disability, a mood disorder. Not a personality flaw. Why can't people see that?

Here's an article by Dr. Norman Rosenthal, MD, to help detect Depression in yourself and loved ones. It addresses some of the more puzzling things about Depression, such as losing interest in doing the things that once gave you joy while being able to continue low-commitment things like surfing the 'net and gaming.

The past few days have been...bad. For me. Emotionally. Haven't opened the blinds in two days. Haven't been on the treadmill in longer than that. Slept a lot the past couple of days trying to escape intrusive negative thoughts. Nothing like hurting myself or anyone, but sad, anxiety-ridden thoughts, nevertheless. Bad news is: the sadness and anxiety is creeping into my dreams. Needless to say, that makes me feel somewhat cornered emotionally. I have an appointment with a VA psychiatrist coming up soon, thank goodness.

What set this off? Well, my mood was already sort of flagging, but then I made the mistake of reading part of the EEO Report of Investigation. That triggered lots of anxiety and tears as well as reliving being fired. I've relived that day in some respect every single day since April 2011. It's very frustrating, and it's hard to distract myself from it.

At the same time, I'm incredibly grateful for the friends and family who are lending their financial and emotional support. In that way, it's Thanksgiving in my heart every single day.

Allie Brosh Sighting

2012-03-17T02:49:00.003+00:00

Hey, guess what? Allie Brosh made an appearance on Reddit recently.

Once again, she does a better job of expressing what I've been going through than even I can.

I like that I have her words to help me explain what the heck is happening with me, but I'm so very sorry she has to experience it.

Please check out what she wrote.

Peace.

Edit: I just ran across this blog post addressing the ending of Allie's "Adventures in Depression" post and found it interesting.

Yana*

2012-03-14T20:50:00.000+00:00

You may not know who Allie Brosh is by name but, if you spend much time online, you are bound to have seen the meme her work inspired.

See more on Know Your Meme

The original image is from her blog post entitled "This is Why I'll Never Be an Adult" on Hyperbole and a Half.

I've enjoyed Allie's work immensely; it's easy to relate to, funny, and the imperfect drawings are a great silly complement to her storytelling.

What really gripped me, though, was her post, "Adventures in Depression."
It is an apt description of what people with Depression experience that needs to be read by anyone who doesn't believe that Depression is a medical condition and anyone who hasn't suffered it themselves.

Seriously. There are people who believe that Depression doesn't exist, that someone is just going through a self-induced, pessimistic sad patch in their life.

"Snap out of it."
"Get over it."
"Buck up, little camper."
"Smile."
"It can't be that bad."
"Shake it off."
"There are kids starving in Africa."

I told one coworker, "I'm on antidepressants for clinical depression." He said, "I don't believe in that. I'll pray for you." Nice guy. We're still friends, even though he is ignorant when it comes to mental health.

I have to say, though, that his reaction is preferable to the, "you have Depression; that's a mental illness, so you must have no intelligence, abilities, or redeeming qualities whatsoever," mindset.

Having a conversation with a supervisor once, I became frustrated and tears began to flow. I was confronting her about things others had told me she had done to basically ruin my career. She kept saying, "I'm sorry you FEEL that way," even though my words never said I felt anything; I was stating what had been reported to me. But she ignored that I was stating objective fact and tried to discredit my concerns by drawing attention and attributing my allegations to my "mental and emotional instability."

On the other hand, an ex once asked, "Why don't people run marathons for Depression awareness and research? I can't think of a worse illness."

I need your help to fight the stigma associated with mental health issues.

To facilitate this, I'll provide links here to mental health education and support resources as well as bring attention to sufferers who are in the public eye and open about their conditions.

Allie Brosh is the first.

Please check out her work and share it with others.
(Note: Allie has written articles for newspapers that I've read online, but I'm having a hard time finding them. Her blog is a good place to start. If you go through the posts, I think there may be links to articles.)

Thank you.

*Doctor Who (NuWho) series 3 spoilers, from "Utopia":
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"When the Doctor hears about Yana's timepiece, a flashback sequence inter-cut with the letters of the Professor's name makes clear that "Yana" is an acronym of "You are not alone", the Face of Boe's last words to the Doctor. At the same time, Yana opens the watch, releasing his Time Lord essence."

Tolerable Work Outs?

2012-03-14T00:47:00.000+00:00

Did 30 minutes on the treadmill today. Make no mistake: I'm still not running. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm not able to run for any amount of time yet that makes it worthwhile to change the speed on the treadmill (if you saw how my laptop is set up on it, you'd see why).

To compensate for not being at a fitness level where I'm able to run and being unwilling to change the treadmill's speed, I change up how I walk in time to the music. It winds up forming little intervals where I'll be out of breath, then I can return to walking normally to catch my breath.

(Also, I accidentally increased the incline while setting up my laptop a few days ago and just left it. Figure it's good for me. As a result, I've begun striving for 30 minutes instead of an hour. Anything over 30 minutes is gravy.)

Admitting to my silliness on the treadmill embarrasses me a little, but I feel some ridiculous need to prove to you that I'm not just plodding along at the slowest possible setting.

Since I've starting using the treadmill recently, I haven't felt happy to be there. It's like taking medicine--the endorphins (however small the dose) are drugs to help me improve my life.

Slogging through treadmill time made me think of something else I've wanted to get into, but I keep starting and stopping. I figured I'm not doing crap while I'm on the treadmill, so I might as well try to meditate at the same time. I didn't know if it was possible, but I knew the Internet would tell me how others had fared when trying.

So I googled "meditation while running," and it brought me to this Runners World article. I actually read the whole thing (took me hours, starting and stopping--I feel almost constantly distracted). I don't know that meditation on a treadmill would be ideal, as part of the meditation is mindfulness of surroundings. But I figured, "Hey, if I can do it on a treadmill, doing it on a track or in the neighborhood will be a piece of cake."

I intend to try tomorrow; I'll let you know how it goes.

Today I looked a bit into building a playlist that I give a crap about because I thought maybe the radio's commercials were bringing me down. I simply don't have the patience to cobble a playlist together. There are several available to download for free online (many in line with Couch-to-5K (C25K) training), but lots of them are just, like, rave music or something. I kind of need familiarity, otherwise the music's just irritating.

It may seem weird that I'm harping so much on this treadmill stuff when I'm not exactly sporty, it's not making me lose weight, etc. But it's the only part of my life and therapy I'm willing to share at this point. It's something. Maybe it'll help someone.

In other news, I've been reading some FlyLady and have set a timer to do a little something toward improving my environment every 30 minutes or so. In the course of this, I found a study guide I'd been looking for since it arrived via UPS. I'd left it in the box and put it on top of another nondescript box.

Heigh-ho, on we go.

Brat

2012-03-12T21:20:00.000+00:00

Years ago I was subscribed to some motivational newsletter. Back when I used a Hotmail account. I can't remember what it was called. One thing I remember the writer saying is if you really want something, you should pursue it like a child does. Can you remember a time when you were a kid and wanted something really badly? I can. I would beg and scheme endlessly.

I'm not sure why I've lost that tenacity as an adult. Maybe I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Maybe it's too easy to think of all the reasons why something isn't instead of ways to make it so.

What reminded me of that point was waking up this morning and realizing my workout clothes were still wet in the washer. I aim to hop onto the treadmill as soon as I'm finished with my coffee so I can ride that caffeine-induced wave of energy.

Knowing my workout clothes were wet and that they should not be put into a hot dryer due to potentially ruining all the stretchiness responsible for jiggle control (which--let's face it--I really value in activewear), I was annoyed. Then I realized: why do they have to be dry to wear them? I'm not leaving the house. I won't sit while wearing them. They're going to get gross and sweaty in the first 15 minutes. Screw it, I'm wearing them wet.

And I did.

I got my way because I was a stubborn brat who knew what I wanted and what needed to be done, and it worked.

Now if I can just make that a habit and turn it into money...

Clutch-Poppin'

2012-03-12T01:26:00.001+00:00

The last few days have not been going well as far as feeling as if I've progressed or accomplished anything. It's like I'm repeatedly popping the clutch: lurch forward, then screech to a halt. Over and over.

I haven't been logging food and accomplishments like I said I would, and I haven't hit the treadmill every day. But I refuse to beat myself up about it. I'm just here to confess and move on.

On the plus side: I've been taking my meds every day and have been able to fall asleep at night. Now if I can just master Staying Asleep and Sleeping a Reasonable Number of Hours, I'll be golden.

One resource that helps me get off my duff sometimes when I feel like my brain is flat-lining is The FlyLady. Now, before you head over there, let me warn you: a *lot* of what is on the site and in the multiple daily emails is trying to sell stuff from her store. But, if you don't need products, just ignore that part. Take the motivation you need from the anecdotes, and tailor her methods to your own life. At the very least, she will teach you to delete unread email with no remorse.

I talked to a good friend about motivation; she says sometimes she has to make a point to congratulate herself on every little thing she does to get through the day. I totally agree that that's a smart way to go. I mean, I've been known to beat myself up about little crap that barely matters, why not congratulate myself on getting things done?

Why do I have "topics" available as a label/tag for posts? Dumb.

Bump-Jostle-Jostle-Irk

2012-03-07T19:29:00.001+00:00

I've hit a bump in the road. It started around Sunday. I didn't want to do crap. But it was Sunday, so I didn't. Monday was the same, but I at least got on the treadmill. Yesterday I did an errand and put out the trash. And that's it.

I look around and see that my housekeeping is going down hill again, and my mind pretty much screams at me when I realize I need to get off the couch for anything.

I'm apathetic, and I'm not sure why. But I'm about to do the music/coffee/sunlight combo to see if it helps. Maybe I can be apathetic while in motion.

Happy March!

2012-03-05T22:25:00.000+00:00

You guys, I just accidentally threw my dogs' ball over the fence into the neighbor's yard. So instead of going over there to retrieve it, I'm journaling to alleviate my anxiety.

I don't fiddle with the admins stuff enough to know what the heck I'm doing regarding following other blogs, but check out my followers in the sidebar over there. They have their own blogs, and they're smart peoples. To give you an idea how clumsy I am with this site, I just almost followed my own blog trying to follow theirs. So...yeah.

So, happy March! The winter weather here hasn't been terrible, but I'm loving 70F-ish, sunny, and breezy. I think it helps my mood.

I'm working hard on keeping my routines, but I'm admittedly falling short. Three things I've had to newly resolve to do each morning:
-Eat & have coffee as soon as I get up
-Open the blinds and let some light into my cozy cave
-Turn on the radio--up-tempo music wakes me up. Lots of bass is a plus.

Also, I've found that taking my antidepressant at night helps me sleep. Go figure. When the doc prescribed it, he said, "Ok, there are two that fit your budget. One mellows you out and should be taken at bedtime. The other has an energizing effect and should be taken in the morning." Since I have trouble getting out of bed, I chose the "energizing" one. So I've been taking that every morning and struggling to get anything done. But guess what? I missed it the other morning and tried it at night. It helped me fall sleep! I thought it might be a fluke, so I've continued this way for the past few days and...yep. About 2hrs after I take it, my mind gets quieter. Go freakin' figure.

I haven't been reading those books. The good news is: I can pinpoint why I've stalled on each one.

For Winter Blues, it's because of what I've learned about Transcendental Meditation (TM) via YouTube. Winter Blues includes ideas for beating depression; there's a new chapter included on TM. I ran across some videos on YouTube and went to the websites mentioned in the videos. Long story short, people espousing the benefits of TM insist that it's impossible to learn TM via book, video, CDs, etc. This is horrible news for people like me because there's no way to afford hiring a practitioner for lessons. It really just smacked of scam. I'm quite disillusioned. So it's put me off the book, and I haven't read any more of it since. I will read it, though, because I promised. Also, chances are there are other suggestions included that can help.

For The Nerdist Way, there's homework in Part One. It stopped me in my tracks. I'm having a hard time visualizing the system of points he lays out, for some reason. I haven't given up, I've just put it aside and am refusing to beat myself up about stalling. I have so much paper clutter in my house, I am hesitant to do things via hard copy, and I became annoyed trying to do it in Excel (the homework suggests using graph paper) when I couldn't even visualize it and my screen was too tiny to fully examine the examples from the website. But as I said, I haven't given up. I told my therapist I'm willing to try anything for progress, and I think what Hardwick has to say will be valuable to me.

Someone on Twitter just suggested that I throw the dog over to get the ball back. HA! :-D That's thinkin' outside the yard!

Yeah, so other major stuff:
-Didn't get the most recent job I was gunning for
-Dominated on cardio this week
-Kicked ass on yard work yesterday

What a boring life I lead! But it's all good.

Cardio--I'm practically breaking my arm patting myself on the back because I have done 20-60 min on the treadmill almost every single day since my last post! Wow! I did take Sunday off because my body said "F.U." due to the yard work I did on Saturday. But I even hopped onto the treadmill on Saturday after yard work! So, there! Put that in your pipe, etc.

So interesting that a certain entity requires a certain level of fitness but provides crap for training on how to achieve their standards. They provide no initial or recurring education, but they're quick to punish and belittle.

Here's what I've learned: to work on the speed of your running, you should run at a pace of 180 steps per minute. Since, as I stated before, up-tempo music helps me get moving, I've kept the local pop station blaring on my stereo while on the treadmill. It is hard to find music that's 180 beats per minute (bpm) but fairly easy to find music that's 90 bpm. I can't find the motivation to actually cobble together a playlist right now, but when I finally do, I'm going to use DJ BPM Studio's site to build it.

In the meantime, here are some songs I've heard on the radio that really help keep my mind off the drudgery of the treadmill.

I'll post more as I think of them.

And with that, I have to leave you to do my treadmill time right now. I've procrastinated far too long today, and I still need to shower and go meet my neighbors. :-o
Peace.

Hope

2012-02-28T03:12:00.000+00:00

I've been clinically depressed for a long time. During the past 12 or so months, everything crashed. My meds weren't working well, I couldn't get out of bed much less accomplish anything, and I lost both of my jobs.

My family and friends have been supporting me emotionally and, since my savings ran out, financially.

A few weeks ago, I finally pulled myself off the couch and sought help at the VA. For so long I could see no light at the end of the depressive tunnel. But I finally glimpsed some hope, and it was enough to spur me to seek help. Since then I've still struggled daily with the mess of emotions this mood disorder brings. But for some reason, the clouds are parting. There's a fragile, gossamer ladder hanging to the bottom of the well where I am, and I hope...HOPE...to be able to muster what it takes to reinforce it enough to climb the hell out of here.

I know, so many clichés. So what? They're accurate and adequate.

Sometimes people are ridiculed for reading self-help books. But what's worse is not being able to give two shits about helping yourself in the first place. So I'll freely admit I'm reading two self-help books at once right now. One is goal-centered; the other is about treating depression.

I'm not far into either of them yet, so I don't have criticism. What's important is that I'm presented with options and find inspiration to work daily to improve my situation. So far, so good. But really, I wouldn't have acquired either book in the first place if I didn't think the authors had something helpful to say.

You may notice that the release date for this edition of Winter Blues is in late 2012. Yes, I've been sent an advance copy which I'm reading and then will submit my comments to the publisher. It's sort of a pathetic little morsel of one of my old dreams, to have my feedback on publications valued. Gotta start somewhere.

Anyway, I'm making list upon list of goals and prioritizing, and I decided that one thing I need to do for my mental health is journal. I hate writing by hand; it's unwieldy, tedious, time-consuming, and tiring. Lucky you, I've decided to spew my crap here instead.

It's been said that happiness & success are in the journey, not the destination. So another broad goal I have is to develop daily habits that I had when I was happiest, including having a set bedtime/straightening out my days & nights and expending some calories in a semi-athletic manner.

Because of standards set by an entity I will not name here, I'll be doing one minute of push-ups, one minute of sit-ups, and an hour on the treadmill daily. That's the goal, at least.

Fat Girl on a Little Bike

2011-11-27T20:30:00.001+00:00

The below happened and was written a few years ago...2006, I think?

---------------------------------------

Anyone who has been out of shape eventually gets the wake-up call that they're no longer a spring chicken. My "holy crap!" moment came when my pal Russ invited me to tag along for a "critical mass" bike ride near downtown San Antonio, Texas.

That evening, I headed over to Russ's house around 6. He'd said they do this ride every Thursday, so I believed and trusted him completely on every little detail of what I should expect, including "it's an easy ride," "it won't be very hot since it's in the evening," and "I think there's one small hill, but it's easy."

So we go downtown, I was outfitted with Russ daughter's helmet and bicycle, and I actually wore shorts in public. He suggested that I ride the bike around in the parking lot for a little while to get used to it. It was kinda scary! I hadn't ridden a normal bike (as opposed to stationary) in about 7 years.

We finally mounted up at 7:30. Russ said there were probably about 100 people riding. Shortly after starting, I realized that Russ was leaving me behind, so I tried to catch up with him. Well it was lots harder than I thought it would be! So I finally just gave up and went at my own (embarrassingly slow) pace. Kids were passing me, and I don't mean teenagers. I'm talking third graders, here.

Then we hit a hill. OhMyGod! I downshifted, and it was still hard. I didn't trust my balance enough to stand up on the pedals and use my weight, so it was pretty rough. Then we stopped for a stoplight, THANK GOD, but we stopped right next to a roadkilled possum. PEW!!

So we turned the corner when the light changed and went up the Mother of All Hills. I had to get off of the bike near the top and finish it. After the hill, we rode a bit more, then we hit ANOTHER hill. My legs were about to give out; I couldn't believe it!! My legs were worse-off than my lungs or heart. Ugh. So I walked the second half of that hill. And the bad thing is--I could barely even WALK up that hill! OhMyGod! It felt like I'd mysteriously teletransported to freaking San Francisco!

When I reached the Trinity University campus, I found that Russ had stopped to wait for me. I told Russ I wanted to throw in the towel, but he and a couple other people encouraged me, "Don't worry, that's the last hill." So I followed Russ down this strangely LOOOOOOOOONG, winding ramp which he navigated--no problemo! I tried braking, but it didn't work as well as I would've liked, so I put one foot down (witnesses later described it as "Flintstone style") and wound up CRASHING--on a handicap ramp! One would think a handicap ramp would be safe to roll down, yes?

After carefully extracting my leg from the space between the torture device disguised as a handrail and the evil bicycle, I gingerly hobbled down to a picnic area and let myself down onto a bench. There were people who had hung behind...much to my dismay. Whenever I fall or do something otherwise stupid, I instinctively look around to see if anyone saw. This time, someone definitely saw.

I guess they're really big into teamwork and safety, so a guy and a girl came over to the bench with me. Russ had stopped at the bottom to wait for me, and I told him, "Come back to pick me up in the car later. I can't go any farther!" So I sat down, and this guy asked, "Are you ok? How do you feel?" I said, "I'm tired and dizzy and I'm beginning to see spots."

Then he said, "Look directly at me." So I did, and he said, "You have heat exhaustion. Are you nauseated?" Um, it was 95 degrees in the shade, I'd spent two full minutes huffing rotten possum fumes, I'd just biked/hiked more hills than I've ever cared to traverse without the help of a motor, and I'm embarrassed beyond belief. Yes, I was nauseated! So he went away and brought back a cute, teeny-bopper female lifeguard from the pool to see the carnage and a dripping wet towel which he had me put on my neck. He told me to take off my shoes. Then he very nicely lectured me about drinking enough water and eating enough before I ride.

Anyway, they were really, really nice to me. I kept telling them I was OK, just tired, and I'd be all right if I could just sit there and not have to ride ever again!

The lifeguard (Colleen) said I could come sit with her at the pool to watch men's water polo practice and put my feet in the water 'til Russ came back with the car. (Who was I to argue?!? Sweet!) She told me that my lips were purple when she first brought out the towel for me, but after a while they turned pink again. She also cleaned up my wound from my crash--puncture wounds at the bottom of my right calf from the gear thingie poking me. It looks like it is deep enough that it will scar. Joy! Not that I wear shorts so often.

OH! And I RACKED myself on that bar that goes from the seat to the handlebars. OW! I've never been happier to be testicle-free!

The guy, girl and Russ all told me not to let the crash discourage me from coming out to the ride next week. (Fat chance!) They said to drink tons of water all day Wednesday and Thursday so I'd be hydrated in time for the ride Thursday evening. Once Russ brought the car back to the pool, he said that that guy who was asking all the questions was a cop who's also a paramedic. Hey, free emergency health care! Russ also said that if I hadn't improved quickly enough, that guy probably would've called an ambulance. Uh, yeah--that's the LAST thing I need is medical bills! They overreacted a little bit, but it was a good wakeup call for me that I am totally and completely out of shape.

© 2011 Deana Wallace

Dear Blogosphere...

2011-11-21T02:14:00.001+00:00

Please vote for these guys!!

I told them I would vote for them and recruit as many votes as I could (minus booby pics), and they look like they'd have a blast in South America!

Please vote for them!

Note: I don't know them personally. I've met one of their friends once at an RPG meet-up. But they seem really cool and enthusiastic, and I want to see their vacation photos when they win the trip!

Cheers, all!

Onwards and upwards!

Potential Blog Topics

2011-11-21T00:29:00.001+00:00

" The affect of banana growth this season on the global economy." --Adam S.

"Transvestite skinheads and the cats who love them." --Keith C.

Privacy Concerns

2011-11-21T00:02:00.001+00:00

I'm admittedly trying to step out of my comfort zone. Therefore, I'm using my real name here, relating real stories, and giving real opinions. This is a big change from my antidepressant-induced filtered content (read: just stuff I said verbally and on Facebook) of the past several years.

My theory is this: if you know what's going on with me, and I tell you firsthand, nobody can blackmail me. LOL No, I don't consider myself important enough (or rich enough!) to blackmail by any means. But really. I'm not going to pull a Jeremy Clarkson and post all my information online. But I don't deny that if anyone wanted to, they could probably glean enough information about me from the interwebs to srsly hurt me.

Well, that's life. Screw it. I have very little left. I don't know what kind of human being would try to put me into the gutter. That's a reflection on them, not on my "carelessness" with personal information. Anyway, I'm middle-aged and, at best, I have 50 years to go. Oh wait, that's a helluva long time!

Then again, carpe diem. I'm tired of living in obscurity and poverty. If my family (and...ahem...certain other entities--ok, I guess I'm not being completely open) wouldn't be outraged, I'd show you my tits! But don't mistake this for awfully deviant behavior. I lived in Europe for a while, and boobs are no big deal. I mean, really. How is it fair that guys get to go without shirts/tops at the beach and we don't? Do you wear a bra 24x7 at home? If so, heaven help you (so to speak).

So! All that being said, I may or may not write about bananas. But I am going upstairs for a while to try to take a better self-portrait for my LinkedIn profile. I need f***ing job, already.

Tchuss,
Deana

© 2011 Deana Wallace

Random Story About a Guy I Knew

2011-11-20T00:48:00.001+00:00

I dated a guy once who didn't drink. He said it wasn't a problem that I liked to go to bars with my friends. This was quickly revealed to be a half-truth as his snide comments about alcohol consumption of any sort became more and more frequent.

But that's not why I wrote him off.

I was working shift-work at the time, and I gave him specific hours that I was available. Anything outside those hours meant that I was either at work or asleep, and sleep is very important to me as I am naturally low-energy. However, I was required to leave my phone ringer on at all times because I was on call.

Who should call me one day while I was sleeping but this guy. I promptly, firmly, and courteously told him I'd been sleeping and would call him back later. He responded, "Sleep? Who needs sleep? You'll get all the sleep you need when you're dead!"

I hung up on him, deleted his number from my phone, and never talked to him again.

~The End~

Reasons I Shave My Legs

2011-11-19T22:21:00.001+00:00

http://nces.ed.gov/nceskids/createagraph/default.aspx

Buy My Good Junk!

2011-11-19T22:08:00.001+00:00

I'm selling anything I can rummage up that's in decent condition. Check out my Amazon Marketplace Storefront:

http://www.amazon.com/shops/dejuwa

Tacos

2011-11-18T04:15:00.001+00:00

I've found that Dairy Queen tacos are far superior to Taco Bell tacos. I can't put my finger on why, but I think it has to do with that "pico sauce" stuff that TB uses. Bleh. It saddens me a little that the drunk/high college kids of America may never know the deliciousness of DQ tacos because in my travels I've found that DQ doesn't sell Mexican food at all locations. And why, why, why did it take so long to develop the multi-textured goodness of the double-decker taco? Those things are pure win in my book. If only DQ had a double-decker version...! Have you ever been to a San Antonio Missions game and seen the Henry's Puffy Tacos mascot? Sort of naughty!! It was probably the most entertaining thing about the entire experience. They really oughta trim up the lettuce at the very least. Off-topic a little: I really like watching sporting events live in person. But only if there's beer involved. It's basically a party where you're not expected to carry on a conversation. Right up my alley.

Accidental Intellectuals

2011-11-17T22:46:00.001+00:00

One day on Okinawa, Cynthia and I decided to see a movie on Kadena.

Now, for those of you who don't know much about military theaters, they are not huge. There's only one screen, and they only play a few movies at a time, rotating them between time slots over a week or so.

We'd been out and about, probably window shopping off base or something. It was coming up on one of the showtimes, and one of us had read that Anger Management (Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson) was playing during that slot, so we headed to the theater.

We bought our tickets, went all the way through the lobby snack bar line, sat down, stood for the National Anthem, then settled in with our snacks. Of course, I'm sure we were non-stop chit-chatting the entire time.

The movie opened to someone sprinting down a long, straight highway in the middle of a desert. Bizarre. Hmm. We munched our popcorn and kept watching.

I think it was about 5 minutes into the movie that we realized we were not watching Anger Mangement. It turned out to be quite an interesting movie about the death penalty: The Life of David Gale (Kevin Spacey and Kate Winslet). Soooo not an Adam Sandler movie!

We had a good laugh at our scheduling fail and how we made it all the way past the beginning of the movie before realizing our mistake. We still laugh about it to this day. I think we both enjoyed the movie, though. I still haven't seen Anger Management and, in hindsight, I'm much happier to have watched this thought-provoking drama instead of a silly Billy Madison production. Good trade. :-)

© 2011 Deana Wallace

"Hmm...yes, quite."