Poor Time Management

A Dish Best Served Cold

2006-06-04T15:44:00.000-04:00

After 5 years and 5 months of torture and misery the end has come.

The Reign of Terror is over.

My Friday Night

2006-05-27T00:28:00.001-04:00

7:07
Since I’m sick and unable to go out tonight, I figured it might be fun to chronicle my Friday Night. Fun for me, mind you. Anyone reading this is going to be bored to tears, but writing it should be a good way to pass the time until I can take my next dosage of Nyquil.

7:08
first stat of the night: Bill Hall 1-1 with 2 RBI, Run scored, and a HR. I love this guy. I originally became interested in him because he’d fill out the Hall Triumvirate in our league, but as I learned more and more about him I became convinced that I could make him a late-round sleeper. He hasn’t let me down yet and he’s eligible at every position…even janitor.

7:13
Freddy An. Garcia does not start his night well for me. He gives up a hit to the first batter he faces. I drafted Freddy under the Rob rule. The Rob rule states that any pitcher that has failed Rob will inevitably perform splendidly for me. Needless to say Freddy’s been amazing so far.

7:15
Freddy is sucking big time. He’s already given up a run and hasn’t recorded an out yet. Meanwhile, the Yankee contingent (Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon) are 0 for 2 collectively. I always feel like I need to make excuses for having these two guys on my team…sometimes I wonder if it was worth selling my soul to the Dark Side just to score more fantasy baseball points. Then I realize how much being in last place sucked last year and I happily move on, soulless and whistling.

7:18
Freddy records an out! Unfortunately he is now facing Troy Glaus who exists only to cause me pain. This means that Freddy is about to give up more runs.

7:20
Former Yankee Soriano jumps on board the point-train with a first at-bat double followed by a stolen base.

7:21
Troy Glaus hasn’t homered yet, but Sportsline is being suspiciously slow updating that game.

This seems like a good time to bring up one of the two big issues in my life that I’ve been meaning to address. Specifically the quoteability of the General Zod character from Superman II. Nobody in my life quotes this guy. He’s amazing. Terrence Stamp played the evil dictator/terrorist from Krypton like nobody else could and all my Lebowski-parroting amigos are giving him the cold shoulder. This has to stop and I’m begging any major sports figures out there to help me save the Zod quotes by using them during interviews with sports reporters. For this to work you need to imagine a famous athlete of your choice (I vote for Pedro) saying these things to your least favorite sports journalist (probably Tim McCarver):

“So this is planet Houston”
“Come to me, Superman! I defy you! Come and kneel before Zod!”
“I win. I always win. Is there no one on this planet to even challenge me?”
“I am General Zod. Your ruler. Yes, today begins a new order. Your lands, your possessions, your very lives, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod! In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection. In other words you will be allowed to live”
“I've discovered his weakness. He cares. He actually cares for these Earth people”
“We have no more use for this one. Kill him.”
“Why do you talk to me this way. When you know that I will kill you for this?”

Good ol’ General Zod.

7:31
In Imaginary Baseball news: my team has scored a total of 68.5 points tonight. Excellent. Freddy Garcia has scored negative seven points. At least he didn’t give up a homer to Glauss. Glaus? Gloucester?

Pretty soon I’m going to have to turn on the live broadcast of the Sox game. Living in New York caused me to forget how much of one’s time can be instantly destroyed as a result of having regular access to broadcasts of your favorite sports team. A typical night for me goes like this: come home, eat food, turn on Sox game, fall asleep. That Sox game part usually takes 3.5 hours…but that time passes faster than anything else.

7:35
Time for a quick run upstairs for food.

7:43
The Sox game is about to begin. The Starters tonight are Scott Kasmir for the Stinkbombs vs. David Wells for the Hometowne team.

Both were drafted by me. Only one has not been dropped by me. I’ll let you guess which one.

Freddy Garcia is actually starting to pitch well tonight. Good times would be inevitable if not for the fact that Kasmir is facing my favorite team. This is always something of a gut-wrenching experience. Kasmir is a stellar pitcher, but he has traditionally owned the Red Sox. The dream scenario is that Kasmir pitches a shutout through 8 innings but is relieved by Crappy McSuck Devil Rays reliever who then gives up the game. Anything other than that makes tonight an unhappy time for yours truly.

7:47
David Wells manages to get Julio Lugo to fly out weakly. Do you think Wells was scheduled to pitch another rehab start, but then, upon seeing that it coincided with a D-Rays Game he just said “screw it, I’m ready for the Big Show”? Aren’t the D-Rays basically a AAA team?

7:49
Bill Hall is up again, and yes, he deserves live coverage of each of his at-bats. More so than Barry Bonds at least. Wells gets three straight fly outs to escape the first inning unharmed. I’m not buying it Boomer. Your knees are bad and you never, ever, train during the off-season. This will not last.

7:52
Bill Hall struck out. Damn.
Remy just pointed out that Kasmir is red-hot. I’m waiting for him to point out that he also looks like he’s 14 years old.

Youkilis leads off for the Sox. By the way, I’m really glad I decided not to draft him…he’s not awesome or anything. Crap. Youk hits the stuffing out of the ball but one of the Devil Ray’s light-hitting speedy outfielders catches it on the warning track. Yes, I’m pretty sure that this team would be better off if I was the GM.

7:55
The Devil Rays are running willy-nilly all over the field in between pitches to Ortiz. This shifting the shift depending on the count thing needs to stop. I think they do it just so that they look like they know what they’re doing.

7:57
Kasmir strikes out Ortiz to end the inning…Tampa Bay suckmaster Tobey Hall doesn’t realize that there are only three outs per inning until Kasmir reminds him. Only then does Hall leave the field. I’m not making this up. These guys are terrible. Little League bad.

8:00
Now seems as good a time as any for me to bring up the other major issue in my life (aside from the Zod quotes thing), which is “The Gilbert”. Earlier today as I was pulling out of a parking lot and my seatbelt locked up for no reaason. At that moment I decided that this phenomenon is so annoying that it needs its own name. Thus “The Gilbert” was born.

8:04
Aubrey Huff flies out to deep center. Wily-Mo Pena is there. This begs the question: how is it that Wily-Mo is a total nightmare in rightfield but better than average in center? Isn’t center a tougher position? Does he just need more room to move?

Shockingly Wells has been great so far…oh wait, this is the Devil Rays, nevermind.

8:08
Three Devil Rays players surround a Manny Ramirez pop-up but none of them can come up with it. Manny takes a wide turn at first then needs to dive back. He opts for the chin first slide. Good one Manny.

8:10
Don Orsillo brings up the Kasmir for Zambrano trade. Poor Mets fans. Then Remy points out that the Mets would have Pedro, Glavine, and Kasmir in the rotation with Billy Wagner closing for them. In case any of you are wondering: my friend Paul can throw better than Victor Zambrano.

8:12
Mike Lowell gets an opposite field single that puts Manny on third with one out. Kasmir’s looking at negative numbers (or as I am now calling them “Garcias”) if Manny scores. This is what happens when you enter a highly competitive fantasy sports league: you start semi-rooting against your own team.

I’m not saying I want the Sox to lose. I will always want them to win. Let’s just say that when Nixon strikes out here I’m not going to shout at the TV the way I normally would if, say, Gustavo Chacin was pitching.

Scott Kasmir is really very good at throwing a baseball. Tobey Hall, on the other hand, is not very good at catching it as Lowell moves up to second on a passed ball. Luckily for Kasmir, Manny was not able to score on that.

8:16
Wily Mo is up…I’m not liking his chances vs. Kasmir. He grounds out to end the Sox threat. I’m not cheering…but I’m a little more relaxed now when I look at the online fantasy league scoreboard.

Elsewhere in the league: Soriano has doubled for me again and Freddy Garcia is still in “I’m pitching for Rob” mode. Come on Freddy, get it together.

8:20
David Wells is trying his best to win the Gold Glove award. He’s taken away two hits with his glove already.

Wells’ curveball is looking pretty good right now. I’m starting to feel the urge to pick him back up. I guess we’ll just see how well this game goes…I can’t believe I’m letting him pull me back in to his Web of fatness and crazy quotes. I guess that’s more of a pudding than a web.

8:33
The thing I hate most about Carl Crawford is that whenever I hear his name I think of “Carl Crawfish”. I don’t even know who “Carl Crawfish” is, but I hate him, and by extension I hate Carl Crawford.

8:35
Hmmm…perhaps Wells curveball isn’t looking so good after all since Carl Crawfish just took one deep to give the Tampa Bay Speedy Crawfish the lead.

8:47
My team is suffering at the hands of its own suckiness. Drop Dead Fred Garcia sits at negative 34 points for the night. Meanwhile the Sox ground into a double play. I need some more Bill Hall homeruns to make me feel better.

8:52
David Wells is panting like a mad dog…an un-athletic mad dog. This guy is a pro athlete? Just as I type that Travis Lee hits a ball off of Wells’ knee. This could very well be the end of his career. I’m a horrible person.

9:21
Things are going well for the Sox and despite Garcia’s terrible outing, my fantasy team is doing alright too. By the way, I think part of God fell to Earth and became David Ortiz. Or maybe it’s all of God…I’m not sure. Anyways, Ortiz just hit a bases clearing double to give the Sox a 3-1 lead.

9:31
Lowell homers over the Monster. Kasmir is sad...and the 2 run bomb is bittersweet for me. I need two more Bill Hall homers to cheer me up. In the spirit of disclosure I should let you know that last year I referred to Mike Lowell as “Mike Lowell’s Deflated Carcass”. Meanwhile, Lugo boots a routine play with an assist from Travis Lee.

9:55
After falling asleep for 20 minutes I see that the Devildogs are mounting a meek comeback. They have runners at first and third with one down and some light-hitting speedy guy at the plate. I can only tell that it’s not the Crawfish. Uh-oh…Foulke is warming up. Things are about to get interesting.

Damon Hollins is this guy’s name. He comes through with a single to make the score 6-2 with runners at first and third again.

10:02
Typical Devil Craws play: Damon Hollins rounds third and has all kinds of time to get home to score a crucial run but manages to fall down between third and homeplate. As a result he needs to run back to third. Keep in mind, each of these guys is paid to do things like run the bases without falling down…and they can’t do it.

By the way, Keith Foulke is now pitching for the Sox, which might explain why the diminutive Julio Lugo just hit a towering foul ball that barely missed becoming a homerun. It was one Lugo-length away at most. Instead Lugo is retired and the Sox are set up for another easy win over the crap-balls of the league.

10:07
As if to prove my point, NESN presents a stat regarding the current matchup of relief pitcher Brian Meadows vs. the batter, Manny Ramirez. What was the stat you ask? Manny is 4 for 6 in his career vs. Meadows with 4 homeruns. Gotta love the Devil Rays bullpen strategery.

The strategery works (kind of) as Manny hits a very very high fly ball into left field that’s caught in front of the warning track.

10:11
Whoever made the rejuvenation machine that Mike Lowell hooked himself up to is going to make a lot of money when that thing ramps up to mass production.

11:00

All of a sudden the night comes to an end. The Sox doubled up the DRays 8-4 and now I must sleep.

While my peers were out getting drunk and clubbing, I did this. Awesome. Oh, and I hocked up a lot of goo and blew my nose about two thousand times.

Somewhere, from the darkness, a voice cries out

2006-04-14T14:45:00.000-04:00

I know I don't update enough for all of you heartless jackals, but I like to think that when I do add crap to this blog it's an amazing experience. Check this out and tell me if I'm right.

The Greatest Thing Ever Part 732

2006-03-25T23:08:00.000-05:00

Follow this link to see the following:

A TV Pilot directed by Ben Stiller
Jack Black playing an astronaut who becomes a genius when exposed to the sun
A talking motorcycle that has been possessed (voiced by Owen Wilson)
Ron Silver playing himself as an astronaut/Nasa hitman/actor

Thank me later.

Best Buy = Worst Buying Experience

2006-03-22T00:01:00.000-05:00

Recently I accompanied Pablo to The Mall where he purchased a computer from a well known electronics retailer that shall remain nameless. Let’s just say that this retailer has a lot of blue and yellow in its stores and that it sucks the life out of you if you stand inside of it for too long. Also, it is called Best Buy.

Some things you should know about the Best Buy Experience:

They will ALWAYS try to upsell you.

I warned my compatriot of this one. We had selected a severely marked-down computer, monitor, and printer/scanner package. The price break on these three items was so good that we would’ve been hard-pressed to find a better deal on the internet. This means that the five-headed, slimey-tentacled, beast-creature that runs the place was betting that the sales crew (aka: the assface squad) would be able to turn a profit by conning the buyer into purchasing additional peripherals that any normal human would never actually need.

Predictably, when the sales-sack returned with a cart for the computer it already contained two DVDs and a large box of crap. The following conversation went something like this:

Pablo: What is this disk thingy?

Sack: That’s a virus protection CD. You need that to keep your computer safe from viruses that will ruin it.

Pablo: How much does it cost.

Sack: $120 bucks, but it’s a great deal.

Pablo: I don’t want it.

Sack: Ok, well, I’ll take it out, but once you get set up you should really come back and buy it.

Pablo: Right. What’s this other thing?

Sack: That’s a spyware killer. You need that so your computer won’t get ruined by spyware.

Pablo: How much does it cost?

Sack: $30

Pablo: I don’t want it.

Sack: Ok, well, I’ll take it out, but once you get set up you should really come back and buy it.

Pablo: Right. What’s this thing?

Sack: That’s a battery backup. You really need one of these if you live on Cape Cod because we have lots of power dips in the summer and if that happens you don’t want your computer to just shut off because that will ruin it.

Pablo: How much does it cost?

Sack: $130 but it…

Pablo: I don’t want it.

Sack: Sack: Ok, well, I’ll take it out, but once you get set up you should really come back and buy it.

There. Now wasn’t that fun? What a great time you can have when the supposedly “helpful” sales staff is trying to sneak over $250 worth of useless crap into your purchase. The Sack was kind enough to inform us that he was not working on commission. So basically The Sack was telling us: “Look guys, I’m not being sleazy for the money, I’m just doing this because I’m a whore for my manager and--since I'll always be a frustrated virgin--I need to screw people any way that I can”.

Everyone There Is An Idiot

That one is self-explanatory. In the middle of the sales pitch a friend of The Sack almost poked me in the eye. I can’t even explain how this came to pass.

Everyone There Thinks You Are An Idiot

At the checkout register The Sack tried to sell Pablo a $220 service plan. He actually started figuring this into the cost of the product. I asked if the computer came with a manufacturer’s warranty and he replied with a very Sackesque “yes, but that’s only for defects in the machine that come about as a result of normal use”. So either Best Buy is so totally evil that they’re willing to scam EVERYONE who buys a computer, or they’re good people who think that Pablo is going to take his computer home and use it as a sparring partner for ten rounds of bare-knuckle boxing. I pity the naïve parents that go in there just trying to buy a computer for their kid. By the end of it, I wouldn't have been surprised if he tried to sell Pablo a flux capacitor. Although, in that case, I probably would have stepped-in in order to buy it for myself so I could go back in time and kill The Sack's father so that he would never be born. Either that or I would've just bashed his face in with it.

They Will Screw With Your Life Even After Your Purchase Is Complete

This one is my favorite. Pablo pays for his new computer, takes the cart from The Sack, and begins to leave, when suddenly The Sack intervenes. At this point we’ve withstood so many up-sell attempts and attacks on our intelligence that I thought we had The Sack beat. We were basically getting this computer at cost; but no, I was wrong. The Sack had more damage to do. It was like an arch-nemesis coming back from the grave for one last sudden attack. Like a smellier, pimplier version of Dracula.

“You can’t take that yet, first we need to give it to our technicians for testing”. What???? Best Buy has technicians? I refuse to believe this one. There’s not a goddamned technician of any kind in The Mall. There are barely any sentient beings in that place. “It should only take 20 minutes, we’re just going to make sure everything works before you get it home”. Yes, because you people with your spyware, virus, and “power-dip” paranoia are really qualified to tell us what is and is not working. Awesome. We decided to go get some dinner. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure the "technicians" got busy re-enacting the last scene of Bloodsport with Pablo's new comp.

Best Ending

When the dust (and food court chow) finally settled, Pablo was a pretty happy camper. We managed to solve the power issue by getting a $25 surge protector from Staples. As for viruses and spyware: there are free options out there, and even if Pablo does have to pay for it, he won't be paying $220 to a tentacled beast-creature.

The List of Pablo's Debts

2006-03-14T23:10:00.000-05:00

My least net-savvy friend Pablo has a nasty habit of making bets that he can't possibly win. Not just typical male-mind bets like "dude, I bet I can get that chick over there to go home with me" either, if Pablo made those sorts of bets he might actually have a chance at winning some of them. Instead things go something like this:

Pablo: The Pats are going to suck this year. I can't believe we didn't even sign anyone good.

Chris: Um...we did get Corey Dillon.

Pablo: No we didn't.

Chris: I'll bet you (some ridiculous thing) that we did.

Pablo: You're on.

Now, why would you make that bet? Why would Chris make something like that up? Furthermore, if he had made it up, wouldn't he KNOW that he made it up and NOT bet on it? That's just a terrible maneuver by the Pablofactor, and that's not even close to his most absurd bet. As a result of this ridiculous habit, Pablo is bound by honor to:

-Get a tattoo on his arm that says “Big Papi”...this would go along with the two Sanskrit tattoos that he already has: one means “wet” the other means “dream” (the Papi tattoo bet is kind of understandable, it occurred during the 2004 ALCS)
-Wear a Doug Christie Jersey everywhere he goes for one week straight (this one was my invention and I managed to sink a half-court shot to guarantee it, Pablo sort of pussed-out and ended up having a custom baseball t-shirt made that said “Christie” on the back...not nearly as cool as my idea. I still feel a little robbed but forcing him to buy a Doug Christie jersey on eBay for $80 would be too cruel)
-Eat a dirty sock (I think his own? I don't know where this one comes from...Chris would probably be able to explain it—he has an encyclopedic knowledge of all of Pablo's screw-ups)

And that's just the tip of the iceberg folks. I haven't been able to keep track of all the other stuff but I'll try to remember to post more as they happen.

1927 All Over Again

2006-03-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

It's time to get excited about movies again.

Not because of HD TV sets. Not because of Blue-Ray DVDs. And definitely not because of anything coming to a theater near you. It's time to get excited for video on demand.

Right now you people think I've gone out of my mind, and I have, but I'm right about this and you need to hear me out. Apple is, right this very second, rolling out a Movie section on iTunes that features movie downloads for $9.99 a pop. Yes, these things are DRM'd to hell, yes these will probably be only DVD-level quality at best, and yes you still have to wait for Comcast or Verizon to shepherd every byte of that over-one-gig file to your hard drive, but it's worth it.

Think about Netflix. Most subscribers pay $18.00 a month and patiently wait 2-4 days to receive their scratched up DVDs. If they “rent” too many DVDs in a month Netflix throttles them back by putting artificial delays on the DVDs that are sent to those movie-hungry subscribers. Apple's model costs a bunch more than Netflix but it represents near-instant gratification AND YOU OWN THE MOVIE (make a backup copy).

I'm sure it won't happen instantaneously, but within 10 months the movie content on iTunes will rival Netflix in both quantity and variety. This is something that everyone wants a piece of (including the cable companies who already have Video on Demand options for their customers...but they are terrible) but Apple's going to win because they are going to get there first, just like they did with music. They'll probably do it better than everyone else too, but that's pretty much assumed at this point.

It's worth mentioning that not too long ago Steve unveiled the new Mac Mini with Front Row and Apple Remote (people are going to be using those WAAAAY more than anyone thinks right now). This spicy little number, designed to be the “entry-level” Mac was priced $100 over the previous Mac Mini's price point. This basically made this computer the most expensive entry-level desktop computer since 1997. Is the remote really worth $100? The obvious answer is “no”. The remote probably costs Apple $2 to make, but I shouldn't have to tell you that the ability to sit on your fat ass and tell your computer to download, save to the hard drive, and play movies for you as if it was just a natural extension of your TV/Stereo-system/Altar-to-Bacchus is priceless. You're probably an American, and if I know anything about Americans it's that we'll pay anything if it means we get to sit on our asses more. It's great to be a citizen of the greatest country on the planet, isn't it? Isn't it?

Could this all fall through? Of course it could. If Mad Dog Steve can't cut the necessary distribution deals he's boned. Is that likely to happen? No. I can't imagine that the Majority Stock Holder in Disney and the Hottest CEO in this Dimension is going to have a hard time finding movies to put in his online store. If Pixar doesn't have every one of their movies on there within a month I'll be shocked. As soon as they get one killer flick on there (like The Incredibles or Aladdin), all the other studios will see how absurdly lucrative this new model of distribution is and they'll jump on like a hat full of rabid monkeys. But since all of Hollywood just doesn't get it yet we'll have to handle being excited for them. So get excited for the movies, because not long from now they're ALL going to be a click away from your living room.

Why Know These Things?

2006-03-13T20:51:00.000-05:00

www.chickencaesarsalad.com is a website.

www.yummychickencaesarsalad.com is not.

Ten Messed-Up Things: Pretty Woman Edition

2006-03-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

1. A movie about a prostitute nailing a rich white dude is the official Fairytale of my generation.

2. Richard Gere is the male lead which means I can't make it through the first 10 seconds of the movie without thinking of about 1,000 Gerbil Jokes.

3. Jason Alexander is the bad guy. This is a movie about Richard Gere and a prostitute and George from Seinfeld is the villain??? That's just not right.

4. Laura San Giancomuo? San Ginacumo? JinRummy? Good actress. TERRIBLE LAST NAME

5. Oh yeah, the part of the whore is played by Julia Roberts. Who would go on to become known as “America's Sweetheart”. America's Sweatheart is a whore. Awesome.

6. There is a polo scene. A polo scene that is critical to the advancement of the plot.

7. Richard Gere's Character wins over the whore by climbing a fire escape. This is the romantic climax of the movie: the rich white guy walks up some stairs.

8. There is a shopping scene. A shopping scene that is critical to the advancement of the plot.

9. The main character looks like Julia Roberts but, somehow, can only make money by selling her body on the streets of LA. Right.

10. At the end everyone lives happily ever after. Oh yeah, wait...except for Laura San Giamatti's character...who will probably end up overdosing or getting murdered. Good one.

And now, to continue PTM's tradition of linking to foreign-language videos...

2006-03-06T17:41:00.000-05:00

Um, I think they're showing us how to peel a potato in three seconds using your bare hands.

Oscar Extravaganza!!!

2006-03-06T01:06:00.000-05:00

Hello Everybody and welcome to my Sports Guy-esque Oscar Journal. Because I am involved in two different Oscar related competitions (one vs. Jenny, my Oscar Ballot Arch-Nemesis, and the other with the coffee shop I frequent) I thought I would make an event of the Oscars by sitting down with my folks in order to watch and write about this monstrosity.

8:00 PM
This is the coolest opening to an Oscar telecast ever.

I especially like the DeLorean and the Batmobile.

While I have a moment I'd like to ask: how bad was the pre-show? Awkward moments with confused celebrities AND Billy Bush on top of that? How did the Universe not implode in a sudden surge of frivolity?

8:03

Clever work with Billy Crystal, Chris Rock, Steve Martin, Whoopie, and Mel Gibson. Passing the torch to Stewart in style.

Question: is there anything Mel Gibson isn't capable of doing? At this point I wouldn't be surprised if he conquered all of South America and led an army of spear-carrying Amazonians northward to take over the US and Canada. The man is out of his mind.

8:05

John Stewart takes the stage after a quality opening. Now he has to pass the Monologue test. He's passing so far...mocking Democrats...good times. Sticking to what works is probably not a bad idea your first night out as Oscar Host.

8:17

Does George Clooney ever not play George Clooney in a film? Everyone always loves his performances even though they're always the same. I defy you to point out a nuanced performance by George Clooney. They are interchangeable. AND he won??? Wow...

At least Nicole Kidman is smoking hot...I give her an 8 for looks but a 3 for looking like she knows what she's doing. Clooney's speech is ok...Giamatti deserved to win. Bummer.

8:21

Is that the Canadian National Anthem playing us out to the commercial break? Sounds very similar.

Rachel Weisz is super hot. I'd like to develop some kind of rating scale for how disappointed I get when I see an actress is pregnant. I should obviously feel happy for her, as I would anyone else, but instead I'm always like “Damn! Some jackass impregnated her! Now I'll never have her”...oh the mind of the modern male. I think Julia Roberts would get like a 1 on the ODSBIS (that's the “Oh Damn She's Been Impregnated Scale for those of you who aren't skipping this paragraph) while Catherine Zeta Jones would be a full-on 10...or maybe it would go to 11 just for her...screw that it's a scale to 100 and she's a 100 while Roberts is a 13.

As far as my two Oscar ballots go. I'm way off. Clooney screwed me again! Jenny will clearly destroy me. And I won't be getting that 20 dollar gift cert. Things are looking bad and there's only been one award given.

8:26
Ben Stiller? As an Oompa Loompa I'm guessing. Nope, I was wrong. This is actually a funny sketch involving Ben Stiller. Which may very well be the greatest visual effect of all time.

8:30
The King Kong guys win for Visual Effects. I actually got this one on my Coffee Shop ballot. They've already started the music on this guy and he just started talking. Good one. These guys get no respect at all even though their work is what brings in 80% of the audience. Who's going to see Kong or Narnia if it's a bunch of puppets and crudely drawn cartoons? Well, maybe me...but I'm weird.

8:35

Naomi Watts aka Nicole Kidman 2.0 is on stage to present something while wearing a dress my dad describes as a burlap sack.

8:36

Dolly Parton is on...good God help me!!!! My EYES MY EYES!!!! BRING BACK WATTS!!! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOPPPPP AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

My mom actually believes that Dolly's boobs are real. This is a 60 year old woman...if those were real...nevermind...I shouldn't be having this conversation with my mom and I shouldn't be typing it here.

I will have nightmares about Dolly Parton tonight. Sick.

Did she just sing “Travel with me”? I'd rather not Dolly. I'd rather flee in terror.

8:40

The Wilson brothers. I was going to write something witty...but the presence of these guys precludes me from doing that. They're like kryptonite to intelligence.

HAHAHAHA! Six Shooter wins Best Live Action Short??? I'm awesome!!! Jenny and I are now tied! Let's hear it for random guessing!

8:43
The animated short people also get the music treatment. My Dad just went nuts at the “life partner” shout-out. I had to point it out first though...he was falling asleep and I knew that would wake him up. He'll be good to go for another 45 minutes now.

8:45

Enjoy this moment Jennifer Aniston because presenting is as close as you're ever going to get. Er...wait...wasn't she nominated once? I don't know. How awesome would it be if Angelina Jolie was up for Best Actress? Too awesome obviously.

8:55

They actually just promo'd Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell “taking the stage”. At least the Academy knows what people actually tuned in to see...of course that means they should also be promo'ing women's breasts popping out of their dresses as well as the mere presence of Jessica Alba in the convention hall.

8:59

Is it just me or are the commercial breaks remarkably short?

9:01

The Chronicles of Narnia dude just totally bogarted the mic on that lady. Nothing sucks more than not being able to speak at all when you win an Oscar.

9:02

Rachel McAdams!!! Rachel McAdams!!! Rachel McAdams!!!! Please, Men of Hollywood: DO NOT Impregnate her. I beg of you. Keep my wild, totally pathetic and unrealistic dreams alive.

9:08

Rachel Weisz delivers an awesome speech. I would expect nothing less of her. Stop Impregnating my women Hollywood!!! She's a 95 on the ODSBIS by the way.

9:12

Lauren Bacall looks like she's going to die. Nice of the Academy to make her walk a mile and a half out to the podium. This is hard to watch. Were they trying to kill her? Did she do something to piss them off?

9:14

All that effort to get to the podium and all she does is intro a look back at Film Noir? Why? Is Primetime Television really the time for a Film Class on Noir. Are they just trying to pad this thing out?

9:16

Greatest Oscar Sketch ever. The ads...oh the glorious ads. Those'll be hitting youtube.com soon

9:17

I just downloaded the ads from youtube.com

9:18

Jenny and I both blow it on the Documentary Short category.
This music at the start of the thank-you speech thing is just about the biggest diss ever.

9:21
Charlize pretty much looks like a goddess that has fallen to earth....flowery words indeed, but she's still smoking hot. My mom hates her dress.

Somebody needs to tell people not to bring stuffed penguins up to the stage when the losing nominees were all about serious subjects. French people are not being well-represented by these guys. And why is Morgan Freeman off to the side of the stage staring on in shock? He narrated the film, no? Did they wave him off when he was trying to take the stage? A bizarre sequence from beginning to end.

9:24

All the disembodied PA voice can say about J-Lo is “Please welcome a beautiful actress and singer”. Wow...that's as back-handed as a compliment can get. I think it might have been a better idea to just say “Ladies and Gentlemen, Jennifer Lopez” or even “Please welcome the most recognizable ass in the room”.

9:26

“In the Deep” is sung in front of some random interpretive dancers that look nothing like the stars of Crash. Even still I'd rather sit through this than watch Dolly Parton sing. And if I'm choosing interpretive dance over anything else, you KNOW the other option must be bee-stings-in-the-pants level bad.

9:32

I don't know what is sadder: Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock entered to the theme music from Speed or that I recognized the theme music from Speed in two notes.

They are presenting for Art Direction. I say Memoirs of a Geisha wins this one, Jenny thinks Pride and Prejudice will take home the little golden man.

9:33

HAHHA! I win another one! On both Coffee Shop and vs. Jenny. I am the king of Art Direction! I actually took a class on it in college. Oh my God that is sad.

I'm also glad to see that I in no way fit into the demographic of the advertising on this program: JC Penny and Diet Pepsi.

9:41

Great job here by Stewart after the Montage of Important Hollywood Films Throughout the Years: “And none of those issues were a problem ever again”.

9:44

Is the President of the Academy begging me to go to the theater and not buy the DVD? Is that what he's doing? This guy is a joker. “There's nothing like sitting in a darkened room with an eye-enveloping screen with sound coming at you from every direction in a room full of strangers”. Um...yes there is...it's called a “home theater” and guess what? It's better than a room full of talking, cell-phone equipped, seat-kicking, food-throwing asshole-strangers.

9:45

Salma Hayek takes the stage which leads to the following conversation between my mother and me:

Mom: First J-Lo and now her? What is this, the Latino portion of the evening?

Me: No, this is the smoking-hot Fox portion of the evening.

And that was the end of that conversation.

I lose on Best Musical Score...Jenny picked Brokeback's Score which sounds like some random drunken dude playing an acoustic guitar.

The big race right now is not for Best Picture it's for “will the telecast outlast my battery life”? Right now I'm at an estimated 1 hour and 11 minutes left.

9:56

Another “Please dear God go to the theater” moment with Jake Gyllenhaal. Whoever is operating the teleprompter must have invested in Regal Cinemas stock or something.

10:00

JESSICA ALBA ALERT!!!!!!!! JESSICA ALBA ALERT!!!!

The only human being on the planet that gets an invite to the Oscars just because she'll look better than anyone else there.

10:06

Official time of Dad Falling Asleep: 10:06PM and 10 seconds.

Apparently the Honorary Oscar isn't enough to keep Dad awake.

This is basically the “You stayed alive” award.

WHOA! Dad awakens to point out the length of the ovation that Altman received.

10:15

My dad awakens again at the mention of Jennifer Garner's name. He proceeds to curse Ben Affleck no fewer than four times.

10:17

The M. Night Shyamalan ad is now my favorite ad and the only good American Express ad ever.

10:19

Ludacris? This Oscars has everything! And a 5 second delay moment! And they missed one! I distinctly heard a “shit”! Two “shits”! And the interpretive dancers return! Classic! This is the lamest and most amazing Oscar music performance ever. An interpretive dance battle! This is amazing. And what about that one dancer dressed like an Abercrombie and Fitch model while everyone else is dressed like a thug? What's the deal with that guy? Did he just sneak on stage or something?

Queen Latifah out to present best original song. I say it's going to be “In the Deep”, Jenny says “Travelin' Through”. I know I'm right. But here we go:

And we're both wrong. Wow...the Academy with a stunning move.

John Stewart is the man: “If there is a way to show how hard it is for a pimp it is through interpretive dance”.

10:30

Nothing is better than the guy who's too damn excited to speak when he wins his Oscar. Oh sound editing nerds...how I enjoy watching you make asses of yourselves.

And now we get the dead guy roll call which is inevitably peppered with my folks saying “I didn't know he/she died!”.

Anne Bancroft??? I didn't know she died!!!

10:42

If only Ziyi Zhang presented Oscars the same way she showed off the crazy sword in Crouching Tiger. I would pay good money to see her kick the crap out of everyone in the room. Maybe even just the first few rows.

10:48

Philip Seymour Hoffman gets the win, but I'm an idiot for only selecting him on my coffee shop ballot and not my vs. Jenny ballot.

10:52

Right now it's looking like this thing's going to go till 11:30, but I'm hoping they have some kind of military efficiency planned for the next few categories. My battery life is down to 11 minutes, and there's no way that's going to be enough.

10:55

I had to plug in the comp. You win Oscars. You win.

Travolta? Travolta makes the cut? Wow...everything under the sun in this Oscars. Maybe all the talented presenters died. I should've paid more attention to the dead guy roll call.

11:12

My dad would like to point out that Uma Thurman is “exquisite”. Leave it to him to whip out the vaguely gay-sounding language at the oddest times.

11:22

My Battle with Jenny has come down to this: The Best Picture category and the end of the Oscars. Jack Nicholson once again determines my fate. This is for the whole bag of poo.

AND I WIN!!!!! I'm the man! Thanks for coming out everyone. Good Night and Good Luck!

I'm No John August, but I Wish I Was.

2006-03-04T22:26:00.000-05:00

I semi-regularly read the blog of John August, the writer of numerous screenplays and even a few movies. It's always a good read and everytime I stumble upon the link in my bookmarks folder I end up spending the rest of my night catching up on what he's been up to.

Tonight is sort of one of those nights and I even managed to find this quote from Mr. August that sums up why this night is likely to be fully realized as one of those nights:

For instance, I feel exactly the same way about screenwriting now as when I first started, back when I was sleeping on the floor and eating Ramen Noodles. That is: I kind of hate writing, but I love having written. I would rather do almost anything than sit down and write a scene. But having written it, then reading it back? Pure gravy.
--John August

Truer words have ne'er been written.

If I have to choose between the hostage or this comp, I shoot the hostage.

2006-03-04T01:01:00.000-05:00

This is a screen capture of my NEW computer's desktop. You may notice that I have ten applications open. What you can't possibly notice is that this machine is utterly unphased by such reckless use of system resources. Scope my sweet menu bars dudes. Those two percentages next to each other measure how much of each of my TWO processor cores I'm using. Good God I'm a nerd...a nerd with a better computer than you, so you better watch out!
This is my new computer. There are many like her, but this one is mine. Her name is Veronica. She wears a name tag.
Veronica is super thin...but not in a gross Mischa Barton way.
Veronica's keyboard automatically lights up when I turn down the lights. It's sort of creepy at first, but I'm used to it now.

The Pottery Album

2006-02-23T19:21:00.000-05:00

Since the pottery-record thing was incredibly popular (4 comments? And none of them made fun of me? WOW!), I thought I would clarify things. That pottery thingy is supposedly from Pompeii or something. And when they used their clever "lazers" to detect little bumbs in the pot they were able to decode those indents (as if they were grooves on a record) to actually play back sounds from the shop in which the pot was made. You can hear a guy laughing. I'm guessing he wouldn't be lauging if someone told him that the giant frikin' volcano they live next to was about to explode and decimate the entire city. So anyways...that technique lets us spy on people who lived thousands of years ago. Pretty creepy huh?

I Get Fanmail

2006-02-23T19:04:00.000-05:00

Any subscribers to The Cape Cod Chronicle already know that my smash-hit Letter-to-the-Editor was met with cheers of joy. The rest of you may be excited to learn that in this week's most recent edition one Greg Myers wrote to the editor specifically to praise the greatness of my letter. That's just how awesome I am.

And if you don't think I'm going to be bragging about this for the next 4 weeks, you don't know me, so what the hell are you doing here?

Thank Me Later

2006-02-20T00:49:00.000-05:00

Eavesdropping a Few Thousand Years into the Past

2006-02-19T14:41:00.000-05:00

Creepy, but cool stuff is located here. It makes me wonder what people 2,000 years in our future will be able to do in order to spy on us. Click "Lire la Video" to watch.

This guy REALLY hates bone claws

2006-02-15T21:49:00.000-05:00

Check it out.

The Race Against Time

2006-02-08T23:51:00.000-05:00

This is my external Firewire Harddrive. Let's call it Jane.

Jane is dying. When my computer tried to initialize Jane early this afternoon, Jane responded by making a sound that can best be described as "gravel being pumped through a V8 engine". This isn't good for me or for Jane. I suspect that she's about to take all 120 Gigs of digital information with her to the big trash can in the sky...er...garage.

My situation is not utterly without hope. A new era of computing is on its way in the form of a new Macbook Pro. Unfortunately, that era is scheduled to arrive sometime in late February, while Jane's demise is scheduled to arrive any second now.

I ask only this: pray for Jane. Pray for her and her $175 worth of iTunes downloads ($110 of which are from Pepsi bottlecaps). Pray for all of the dancing banana icons I've saved to her. Most importantly, pray that she doesn't explode. If that happens my face will be smashed to bits by Firewire-enabled shrapnel. I'm not looking forward to having a smashed face.

Create your own Tesla Coil

2006-02-03T15:13:00.000-05:00

If this thing featured some kind of advanced targeting system I would be all over it. Instead it just looks like another disastrous carpet fire waiting to happen.

read more | digg story

What Becomes of a Quote Deferred?

2006-02-02T00:45:00.000-05:00

This one is too long for the random quote generator up top, but it's worth sharing with all of you:

It could be snowing 5 inches per hour and it would still be girl-watching weather, in my opinion. Of course, the imagination needs to work its magic a little more...
--Hulahulk (a random internet user)

Paypay? Paypaypay-pay-pay? Pay?

2006-02-01T21:40:00.000-05:00

Ok Mark Cuban, Bell South, and AT&T, I'm going to straighten you out. You're all arguing that the world needs a multi-tiered (or "laned" as Cuban puts it) internet. You state that since some content providers need their content to be delivered faster, they should pay more for that privelige. You are all idiots, and some of you are even Chloe-oggling, married, idiots.

These content-providers are already paying for their "high-speed" content by the very nature of that content: "high-speed" content is basically high-bandwidth content for which you already charge a greater amount. On the other end you're charging the consumer more based on how fast they can pull down that content. How many times do you expect to get paid for your service? Maybe any website that uses your services should have to also advertise for you? Perhaps all of us users should have banner ads at the top and bottom of our screens praising the greatness of Bell South and AT&T.

I'm trying to think of an industry that could try to charge for their product three times and get away with it. The idea that you would charge content providers for bandwidth THEN charge them for high-speed THEN charge the customers of those content providers for the "convenience" of receiving that content at the speed THEY ARE PAYING THEIR ISP (YOU) FOR is absurd. Jackasses.

Some Reporters Just Don't Work Hard Enough

2006-01-31T16:56:00.000-05:00

So I'm poking around on the internet, touring the various news-gathering sites out there and I come across the weirdest story of the week. I have some serious issues with whoever this anonymous AP reporter is. Firstly: why doesn't he/she tell me about who John Daly's wife is (other than the fact that she's John Daly's wife and apparently has a fetish for rotund hick-looking fellows)? I want to know, nay, the WORLD wants to know what she does for a living (other than starting joint-drug/gambling rings with her folks)? Where does she spend her time outside of John Daly's house? Does she deal?

Secondly: the news-reading freaks out there (myself included) crave the specifics of a story like this. What kind of drugs was she selling? Was she the Don or just an underling? Is HBO going to turn this into an Emmy-nominated drama? And what about this gambling thing? What games was she playing? Where were the illicit deals happening? I need details!!!!! She's John Daly's wife and she's going to jail for crazy drug and gambling charges!!! WHY BOTHER REPORTING THE STORY IF YOU CAN'T GIVE US SPECIFICS????!!!!!

Thirdly: there are no pictures of John Daly's wife being carted away in handcuffs. This would be my wallpaper for a month. Instead I'm forced to look at some cutsie-wootsie picture of John Daly's wife pretending to love John Daly (who, ironically, is wearing a "Trim Spa" logo on his chest) while she's secretly thinking about what to do with all the bodies she's got buried in the backyard. What a joke.

So, anonymous AP reporter, from now on I want to see these three things included in all of your stories:

-Background info
-Specific details
-Humiliating pictures

How to Hack Netflix

2006-01-30T13:17:00.000-05:00

This is a crucial story I found on digg. Information all of us can use.

read more | digg story

Pixar may 'unHollywood' Disney

2006-01-29T20:13:00.000-05:00

From Digg.com:

Pixar succeeded by breaking the Hollywood business model. It employed producers, directors, writers, etc., long-term instead of just for one movie at a time. This created a tightknit company of collaborators who stick together and strive to improve with every production. Pixar brings that model to Disney and may spread it to the rest of Hollywood.

read more | digg story