Popular Jokes

Jesus is watching You

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 18:01:00 -0700

Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: Jesus is watching you!'

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. 'Jesus is watching you' - said the voice.

The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?' he asked.

'Yes' said the parrot.

The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, 'What's your name?'

'Clarence' answered the bird. 'That's a dumb name for a parrot,' sneered the burgler. 'What idiot named you Clarence?'

The parrot's answer: 'The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus.'

Rate this Joke

Is Your Cat from Outer Space?

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 18:00:00 -0700

Cats from Outer Space

Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?

Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical extraterrestrial experiment?

When you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you skeptically as if to say, "My rations in the space pod were much better than this."

If so, your cat may be from outer space....

Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the moony-eyed, pot-bellied feline enigma crunched on their lap.

Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag of kibble stuffed in their mouth.

How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space

If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions:

- Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the cat can see?

- Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest she has undergone extensive astronaut training?

- Does your cat try to communicate with extra terrestrials by meowing at the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer electronics?

- Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages from the mother ship through the plasterboard?

- Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!"

- Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?

- Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litter box so that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?

- Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't stop beeping?

- Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes-- and superior to you as well?

If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't give him directions to the carpet store.

What Cats from Outer Space Look Like

Cats from outer space look very much like ordinary cats. They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do: like pulling yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the cat in and out.

What to Feed Cats from Outer Space

Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as what they ate on their home planet--and they will remind you of this frequently. So don't even try to placate them.

Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets

Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine--one that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead--one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and transport from.

How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've Been Abducted by Aliens

Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to run through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in saucer-shaped ships.

Rate this Joke

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:59:00 -0700

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
---------------------------------------------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Rate this Joke

What is green and goes red at the flick of a switch?

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:57:00 -0700

What is green and goes red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a blender.

Rate this Joke

Animal Jokes - Got any corn

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:57:00 -0700

A duck walks into a bar jumps up on a barstool and ask the bartender "hey bartender you got any corn?" The bartender says "no we don't have any corn!"
A few minutes later the duck asks again "hey bartender you got any corn"? the bartender says "no we don't have any corn!!"
A few minutes later the duck asks again "hey bartender you got any corn?" by now the bartender is pretty fed up and says "no damnit we don't have any corn and if you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to this bar!!" A few minutes later the duck asks "hey bartender you got any nails?" the bartender says "no we don't have any damn nails!!" and the duck says "good,you got any corn?".

Rate this Joke

Going to be a mother...

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:56:00 -0700

Going to be a mother...
At the New Year`s eve party at a fashionable hotel a girl was overheard talking to her boy friend, "Don`t get tense and worried Hakka- when I told you that I was going to be a mother, I only meant yours.
Yes, next month I am going to marry your father."

Rate this Joke

why can't you tell a secret on a farm?

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:55:00 -0700

Why can\'t you tell a secret on a farm?
answer: the corn has ears,the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk

Rate this Joke

Drunken Duck

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:54:00 -0700

A duck walks into a drugstore, and asks the cashier if he has any beer. The man says 'No, this is a Drugstore, we don't sell beer here' The Duck leaves, and returns home. The next day, he comes back to the store and asks the cashier again. The man then replies, 'I told you yesterday! We dont' sell beer here! If you ask me one more time, I am going to nail your feet to the floor!' The ducks leaves again. One final time the duck enters the store the next day, and this time says, 'Do you have any nails?' The Man replies, 'No' The duck then says, 'Do you have any beer?'

Rate this Joke

Animal Jokes - Dinosaur

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:53:00 -0700

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Answer: alickolotapuss!

Rate this Joke

nimal Jokes - Dead Fish

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:52:00 -0700

Little Tim was in the backyard filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing. He politely asked, 'What are you up to there, Tim?' 'My goldfish died,' replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.' The concerned neighbor said, 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?' Tim patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat!'

Cow With No Legs

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:52:00 -0700

Q: What do you call a Cow With No Legs?

A: Ground Beef!

Animal Jokes - Cow Joke

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:50:00 -0700

What did the cow say to the elephant?
Answer:MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE OVER!

Animal Jokes - Confused

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:49:00 -0700

Q:There is something that flys and says meow meow what is it?
A:A cat has been kicked.

Blonde Owl

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:33:00 -0700

Q - What does a blond owl say?
A - What,what?

Rate this Joke

Blonde Coyote

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:32:00 -0700

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Rate this Joke

Bear Warning!!

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:31:00 -0700

Resently Fish, Wildlife, And Parks have posted warning signs in all Sporting Goods stores, and at all camp grounds in Montana. Due to the dramatic rise of the bear population in Montana. The Sign reads as follows:
WARNING! To the increased number of bear sightings in Montana's National Forests we have desided to post this flyer. When going into bear country one should always carry pepper-spray and wear cowbells. And when you are in bear country you need to know what species of bear you may encounter. In Black Bear country you will see small footprints with short claws, and occasionally a torn up bush. In Grizzly Bear country you will find large footprints, with long claws, and there will be stumps uprootedand torn apart. The easiest way to tell what bear you may encounter is by looking at the droppings. Black bear droppings have small bones, berry seeds, and sometimes fur. Grizzly bear droppings however have cowbells and smell like pepper spray! So PLEASE be careful!

Rate this Joke

bear and the rabbit

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:30:00 -0700

there was a bear and a rabbit they both hated each other and one day they were walking through the woods when they saw a golden frog. the golden frog said i dont see many people but when i do i grant them three wishes each so the bear and the rabbit were getting ready to make their wishes.the bears first wish was for all the bears in the woods to be female .so the frog granted his wish.then the rabbit wished for a motorbike helmet.the frog granted his wish.then the bear wished for all the bears in the woods next to his woods to be female.the frog granted it.then the rabbit wished for a moterbike.the frog granted it.for the bears final wish he wished for all the bears in the whole world to be female.the frog granted it.the the rabbit puts his helmet on jumps on his motorbike and ses i wish the bear was gay and the rabbit drove off.

Rate this Joke

Barney

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:30:00 -0700

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, 'Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?'
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, 'Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?'
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, 'Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?'
'Oh, no!' the little girl replied. 'Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.'

Rate this Joke

A one horse town?

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:29:00 -0700

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says,"Hey buddy, why the long face?"

Rate this Joke

A Dog's Pet Peeves

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:28:00 -0700

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.2. Yelling at me for barking...I\'M A FRIGGIN\' DOG!!3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn\'t all over everything while you\'re gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?!4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..........stop it.6. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why\'d you buy carpet?7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven\'t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you\'re just jealous.9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you\'re not home.11. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?12. Taking me to the vet for \"the big snip,\" then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back. 13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
Rate this Joke

A Cat Goes to Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:23:00 -0700

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best

Rate this Joke

Jokes - CHRISTMAS GIFTS

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 03:32:00 -0700

3 GUYS TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY GAVE THEIR WIVES FOR CHRISTMAS. 1ST GUY SAYS \"\'I GOT MY WIFE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 TO 85 IN 60 SECONDS.\' \'WHAT WAS IT?\' THE OTHER 2 ASK. \'A JAGUAR! SHE WAS VERY HAPPY WITH IT!\' THE 2ND GUY SAYS \'I GOT MY WIFE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 TO 120 IN 30 SECONDS\'. \'WHAT WAS THAT?\' THEY ASK. \'A PORSCHE. SHE COULDN\'T STOP KISSING ME. SHE WAS SO THRILLED!\' THE 3RD GUY FINALLY SAYS \'YEH, WELL I GOT MY WIFE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 TO 250 IN 3 SECONDS, BUT SHE\'S REALLY PISSED OFF AT ME & THREW ME OUT OF THE HOUSE!\' THE OTHER 2 GUYS ASK HIM \'WHY? WHAT WAS IT?\' \'A BATHROOM SCALE\' HE ANSWERS.
Rate this Joke

Jokes - Breast Enlargement

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 03:30:00 -0700

After many years of marraige, a wife went to her husband and said that she would like to have breast enlargement surgery. The husband disagreed with using their hard earned money for something he thought of as frivolous, so he offered an alternative method:
\"Several times a day, go into the bathroom, take some sheets of toilet paper off the roll, and rub them between your breasts. Over time, they will become naturally larger!\"
She thought about it for a second, then asked \"Will that work?\"
He replied, \"It worked for your ass, didn\'t it?\"

Rate this Joke

Jokes - Apples and Grapes

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 03:27:00 -0700

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don\'t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren\'t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they\'re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it\'s up to women to stomp the crud out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Rate this Joke

Jokes - Applicant

noreply@blogger.com (Joker) — Tue, 13 May 2008 03:24:00 -0700

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, \"Have you ever been arrested?\" He answered, \"No.\"
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was \"Why?\" The applicant answered it anyway: \"Never got caught.\"
Rate this Joke