1. • TESTER: So which version of the song do you like more?
   • GREG: I DUNNO…
2. • BART: Consumers don’t LIKE decisions, Joel. They want us to TELL them what’s right. THEY NEED US.
   • JOEL: You talk like they’re HELPLESS. They aren’t scared little CHILDREN, sir.
3. • GREG: Um… I… I have to go potty.
4. • BART: AREN’T they, Joel? AREN’T they?
   • TESTER: Sir, put that DOWN. Sir… SIR, get that OUT of your mouth! Drop it… DROP it!

1. • TESTER: Greg, we’re going to play two versions of a song, and we want to know which one you like better, OK?
   • GREG: OK.
2. • COLDPLAY: For some reason I can’t explain, I know Saint Peter will call my name, Never an honest word, but that was when I ruled the world
3. • MEGA-TUNE: Overwrought.
4. • GREG: Hmm. The second one was definitely… SHORTER…
   • BART: Write down that subject finds Mega-Tuned version is “PEPPY” and “FUN”.

1. • JOEL: His sense of pop music is unCANNY. When asked to list songs he liked, he recited Clear Channel’s ENTIRE Adult Album Alternative playlist.
2. • JOEL: We ask him his favorite song every five minutes, and he’s somehow able to always list the current top single on iTunes at that EXACT moment.
3. • TESTER: What about now?
   • GREG: “Fireflies” by Owl City… no, wait, NO… actually it’s “Replay” by Iyaz.
4. • BART: FAScinating…
   • GREG: Wait, NOW it’s the Glee cast version of “Alone”. NO… “Take a Bow”! NO!! “ALONE”!!!

My friend Kira dressed up as my character, The Cloud, for Halloween on Saturday. Here she is:

At the party, she even gave people topic-based suggestions and handed out Web links on little cards.

She is a nerd.

And so am I! So I love it and am thankful.

More of you need to start dressing up like my characters! I will have to have a convention to encourage this.

Look for PorterCon 2010 details soon.

1. • TESTER: Before we begin the product testing, let me ask: what makes you like a song?
   • GREG: Like, you know, if it was on Gossip Girl.
2. • TESTER: OK, well… let’s say you hear a really good song that hasn’t been on Gossip Girl, and-
   • GREG: But… if it’s really good, it WOULD be on Gossip Girl.
3. • TESTER: OK, but this one isn’t.
   • GREG: But… why?
4. • TESTER: Wait, was Gossip Girl canceled?! Is there somewhere I can check Twitter here?!
   • GREG: OK, let’s… let’s move on…

1. • TESTER: So, prior to the focus test, we just want to get to know you a little before we show you the product.
   • GREG: Yeah, I’ve done these. The product’s great.
2. • TESTER: Well, I haven’t shown you the product.
   • GREG: But I bet it’s great.
3. • TESTER: OK, but… you don’t have to like it. We want your honest opinions. Positive or negative.
   • GREG: Well, I’m positive it’s great.
4. • TESTER: Sir, you don’t even know what it IS.
   • GREG: Uh huh… hey, when do I get that free Frostie coupon?

1. • JOEL: I’ve never run a focus group, sir. How do we get participants?
   • BART: The American way, Joel. With market forces.
2. • BART: We bribe them. Vouchers, gift certificates, free food…
   • JOEL: Doesn’t that result in overly positive opinions?
3. • BART: Exactly!
   • GREG: Hi, I heard something about a Frostie coupon?
4. • BART: Yes sir! Just sign this release form without reading it.
   • GREG: No PROBLEM. Oooo, free pens!!

1. • JOEL: With all due respect, sir, I don’t think you’ve thought this through.
   • BART: Sure I have!
2. • BART: I’ve got statistics! I’ve got quotes!
   • JOEL: Unrelated statistics and quotes that you’ve skewed to support your point.
3. • BART: Well, maybe you’re right. Let’s focus group it. Get some outside opinions.
   • JOEL: Yes.
4. • BART: And skew THOSE to support our point.
   • JOEL: No.

1. • JOEL: Well, sir, screwing songwriters aside… if we reduce songs to a single word and note, won’t consumers… not… like that?
2. • BART: On the contrary, studies show consumers favor songs with simple, memorable melodies and lyrics.
3. • MEGA-TUNE: FELLATIO!
4. • BART: And you can’t get simpler or more memorable than that, Joel!
   • KURT: Dat vas Little Vayne. “Lollipop”.

1. • MEGA-TUNE: STATUTORY!
   • KURT: Dat was early Taylor Shvift song.
   • JOEL: Ugh, sir, what’s the point of reducing these songs to single notes?
2. • BART: Joel, each year our label loses billions. Why? SONGWRITERS. Due to arcane copyright laws, they rake in cash, hand over fist.
3. • BART: Do you know they sometimes get paid almost THREE CENTS per dollar!? Just because they “wrote” the song. DisGUSTing.
4. • BART: Well, Joel… you can’t copyright a note.
   • MEGA-TUNE: MONEY!
   • KURT: Dat was dat Pink Floyd song.