the only thing that could possibly ease my pain over the ending of this show would be to hang out with the old gang one more time, IN REAL LIFE. and so you can imagine how much my pants exploded with excitement when erica told me she had two tickets to the FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS WRAP PARTY!!!!

INSERT MONTAGE OF SPAZZ.

the party was held at, where else, midnight rodeo, where they filmed the scene in season 4 of lila riding the mechanical bull. it’s basically a cheesy country dance club, and you know when i say cheesy i mean AWESOME. here’s a picture to give you the idea:

and here are the lovely hyatt ladies who allowed me to attend the party and consequently have THE GREATEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF SWIMFANDOM:

i should admit to you right now that i actually don’t have any pictures of the party BUT BUT BUT here’s why. see, it really was a party for the cast and crew, and so even though there were a few swimfans there, including yrs truly, it was definitely a celebration for the people who *made* the show, who worked on it and created it and lived it for these past five years. asking them to take pictures with me just felt… wrong, like i was intruding on a v. intimate moment, one last night for reminiscing and saying good-bye.

i DID, however, take a little bit of video, because i really can’t help myself when it comes to flossie. here’s connie and kyle (tami and the coach) giving shout-outs to the different crews:

note that the coach is wearing his east dillon hat. GAH HE IS THE GREATEST.

ok i’m just gonna stop even trying to use everyone’s real name because while i realize they are all actors playing fictional roles, kyle chandler will always be the coach for me, and taylor will always be riggins, and if that makes me cray cray, SO BE IT.

most of the party was just everyone hanging out and talking it up, and i could barely handle how COOL it was to see, for example, tyra, mindy and their mom go in for a group hug, or vince talking to his mom, or jason street joking around with the coach. btw tyra is GORGEOUS in person (she’s brunette now) and vince’s mom is super pretty when she’s not playing a drug addict (good job make-up crew!). sure, i’d seen some of the cast around town, but they were always with friends or non-show people, so witnessing their FNL camaraderie was pretty special. in fact, i pretty much spent the entire four hours suppressing a GIGANTIC WAVE of squee, which is really hard, you guys, esp. when TIM RIGGINS IS FIVE FEET AWAY FROM ME.

that’s right, it was my final chance to accomplish a goal i’ve had for the past four years: Operation Touch Tim Riggins’ Arm. keep in mind that i’ve seen him in person three other times and UTTERLY FAILED in my mission. so when he walked into the party, with a super hot western shirt on and his hair pulled back in a ponytail (WAIT WHAT?! sigh. i’ll forgive you this time, tim, but never allow an elastic band to touch yr hair AGAIN.) i totally *freaked out*. erica, aka the wind beneath my wings, turned to me and said, “sarah. you have to do it. TONIGHT. this is yr LAST CHANCE AND YOU WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!”

so together, we formed a plan. instead of going up to him and saying something ridiculously stupid and awkward, which would inevitably be anything that came out of my mouth, we decided to go with the Accidental Bump Strategy. it breaks down like this:

1. wait until he’s surrounded by people.
2. walk towards him without making eye contact.
3. just as you get near him, walk between him and the person next to him.
4. casually reach out and touch his arm as you walk past while saying, “excuse me” because, you know, you’re just being polite. it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s a smoking hot celebrity and you’ve been dying to touch his arm for four years and OMG THIS BETTER WORK.

well, pantsers and pantserettes, i’m pleased to report that IT WORKED!!!!!! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!! HOLY RIGGS!!!! I TOUCHED HIS ARM!!!

the only thing that didn’t go according to plan was my straw going up my nose as i tried to nonchalantly sip my drink while walking past him. YEAH. but the silver lining is that it made me so flustered, i really did need to reach out to his arm to steady myself in order to continue walking like a functional person GAH I AM SUCH A FREAK.

but yeah. I DID IT! I DID IT!!! i couldn’t BELIEVE IT! i had to walk around the entire club because my body was BRIMMING with adrenaline. plus i didn’t want him to notice that i really had no purpose for walking past him. because of course he noticed me. obvs.

unfortunately, it was impossible for erica to film this Highlight Of My Life, but this pictorial representation should give you a pretty accurate glimpse:

oh wait, something’s missing…

yep, that’s a lot more accurate.

after trying not to gawk at people for two hours, erica and i actually got our pants on the dance floor and loosened up, particularly while performing the cupid shuffle with some of the crew (they may be TV professionals, but we’re dance party professionals!).

although i spent most of the party in a haze of crazy excitement, there were a few bittersweet moments of sadness, esp. when i realized i was saying good-bye not only to the characters, but to any chance encounters. the idea that i could maybe see tim at the highball (check!) or the coach at the alamo (check!) always added a special thrill to living here in austin, and i’ll miss the luxury of having this amazing cast in our city’s backyard.

of course, we still have one more season to watch, and i’m sure i’ll cry buckets when the finale airs, but i don’t think anything will pierce me quite as much as this moment, after all the speeches were done, when there was nothing left to say but this:

come on and say it with me now: clear eyes. full hearts. CAN’T LOSE!!!!!!!

at the risk of sounding like an old person: THEY SURE DON’T MAKE TEEN MOVIES LIKE THIS ANYMORE! now, go get yr grandma her centrum silver and whiskey!

seriously, though, “10 things” takes every teen movie cliché and turns it up to 11. sure, it’s got all of the generic elements– against the odds romance, social stratification, infectiously poppy soundtrack– but it takes those elements and encases them in PURE 24K GOLD.

allow me to illustrate.

1. the bad boy with a heart of gold

sure, judd nelson was hot in the breakfast club, but did he serenade molly ringwald in front of half the school while leaping joyfully across bleachers? NO. all he did was take one of her diamond earrings, rendering the other one useless to her (well, technically she had multiple holes in her ear but I DIGRESS). not only is patrick verona written awesomely, he’s also played by ACADEMY AWARD WINNER HEATH LEDGER. have you EVER seen a teen film that features an academy award winner? ok, well, sure, anna paquin was in “she’s all that” but… well, it’s “she’s all that.” and it’s anna paquin. COME ON. even heath’s godawful hair can’t hide his devilish charm, and while his turn as the joker totally amazed me, i will always remember him as the guy who melted my heart when he did this:

i really hope they played that song at his funeral. i’m serious.

2. a school that is way too cool looking to be an actual high school

most teen movies seem to be filmed at high schools in beverly hills, where the norm is lots of palm trees, ocean view terraces and auditoriums designed by broadway architects. but in 10 things i hate about you, the school is basically PEMBERLY. like, i’m kinda sad we don’t even get a cameo from mr. darcy.

3. the new kid in school

there’s ALWAYS a teenager who’s new in town, and in 10 things, that character is played by JOSEPH GORDON MOTHEREFFING LEVITT. THAT IS ALL I NEED TO SAY.

4. teen archetypes

with every new kid in town comes the requisite Introduction to the Formulaic Social Spectrum, and in 10 things, this scene is carried by david krumholtz, the ULTIMATE in nerd actors. i mean, just look at that guy. he’s easily 40 years old at this point. and he’s not the only ultimate in this movie– we’ve got andrew keegan (is there ANYONE sleazier? ok, well, brody jenner was probably only 12 at this point), julie stiles (she’s ALWAYS a great choice for the “bitch” character because, well, she’s v. skilled at annoying me) and gabrielle union, aka I SAID BRR, IT’S COLD IN HERE! THERE MUST BE SOME CLOVERS IN THE ATMOSPHERE!

4. clueless adults

in teem movies, authority figures are NEVER to be trusted (unless they’re a dad, and i’ll get to that in a minute). in fact, they’re usually super lame and have no idea what’s cool and GAH WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO RUIN OUR LIVES?!! 10 things takes this cliché and amps it up with a totally sassy twist named ALLISON JANNEY, LIGHT OF MY LIFE. just like my real guidance counselor back in HS, ms. perky doesn’t give a shizz, but at least she does(n’t do) it in STYLE.

5. best dad ever

while i will always love the father daughter sweetness in “sixteen candles,” mr. stratford is hands down the BEST DAD IN A TEEN MOVIE EVER. i mean, how many parents out there can speak so frankly about sex with their kids, not to mention equip them with a V. REALISTIC understanding of pregnancy? plus, hello, he’s a single parent!!! i love mr. stratford so much, i may or may not be honoring him tonight by wearing a faux pregnancy belly at the show…

6. montages of teens doing fun things

i bet if someone did a study of the ratio of montages to dialog in teen movies, it would be, like, 2:1 (and also, that person would be awesome). in films, teens are always doing their teenagery thing to the beat of hip music, like shopping at the mall and playing beach volleyball and dancing around the library during detention. well, 10 things is basically like, “yeah, all that stuff is cool but WHAT ABOUT PAINTBALL?!!!” and thus, the most romantic messiest kiss ever was created.

i could continue showering this film with praise but i think i’ve made my point. in fact, it was pretty much made when heath stepped out on those bleachers LU PATRICK! but please feel free to burn, pine and perish over the 10 things YOU love about this movie in the comments.

P.S. SEE Y’ALL TONIGHT AT BOGEY LOWENSTIEN’S!!!!

grab some queso and margaritas (which are actually more tex mex than authentic mexican but whatevs, it’s all NEGOCIOS DELICIOUSOS to me!), cos it’s time to meet up with our intrepid adventurers as they prepare to leave cancun and head to play del carmen!

look how cute our luggage is, all hanging out together and excited to go! and don’t even think about making fun of me for believing that inanimate objects have feelings cos HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN “THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER”?!!!

we bid adieu to the cancun hyatt, which btw has this super cool glass roof:

and yes THOSE ARE DUDES UP THERE! that’s, like, mission impossible level custodial work.

we also said good-bye to the beach, which was ironically the only time i actually saw it during our entire trip. i know, that’s terrible but think of MY PALE FRAGILE SKIN.

after less than an hour, we arrived at the grand sunset princess resort! which totally sounds like something i made up as a kid when my friends and i played “travel agency” (hello? WAY better than playing school). i didn’t see any castles or tiaras BUT they weren’t kidding around with the word “grand.” this place was huge!!!!

after a tequila shot at the bar (obvs the most important step for checking in at a hotel), we went to our rooms, which were super nice!

check out the view from the room patio!

since we knew the resort would be massive, we had requested that all three rooms be near each other. HOLA NEIGHBORS!

dang, i wish i had that same view from my apartment in austin.

to further combat the hugeness, meredith bought us all door signs from the dollar store so we could leave messages, just like in college, aka back when we didn’t have cell phones and dinosaurs roamed the earth.

we unpacked then set out to discover Places of Interest, meaning WHERE’S THE POOL BAR?

turns out that the grand sunset princess has *several* pool bars, which unfortunately all close at 6 PM. hmmm. maybe we should’ve stayed at the grand all night princess resort instead.

after surveying the grandness, i conducted a hard hitting interview with meredith to gauge her first impression:

what we didn’t realize at the time was that we WOULD NEVER SEE THE SUN AGAIN. well, at least for the rest of our trip. that’s right, mean old alex decided he would try to ruin our vacay with gray skies and rain! because hurricanes are HATERS!

but what alex didn’t realize is that PANTSING CANNOT BE STOPPED. we take our passion and make it happen, no matter if it’s raining or cloudy or people put raw onions in our food.

and so, even though the weather kinda blew, we still managed to have a blast. here’s how:

1. XLERATOR HAND DRYERS

OMG!!!!! IT’S THE XLERATOR!!!!! meredith and i discovered this Wonder of Science on our road trip back in ‘05, and we’ve been obsessed ever since. if you walk into a bathroom and see an xlerator, YR HANDS HAVE WON THE DRYING LOTTERY MY FRIEND. therefore, i washed my hands a LOT on this trip. i mean, i would have, anyway, cos i’m a huge germaphobe, but it was a LOT more fun knowing that the xlerator was waiting to blow the water droplets off of my hands with the power of a jet engine.

2. If You’re Already Wet, Rain Isn’t a Problem. Especially If There Is a Pool Bar Nearby.

we still hung out at the pool a lot, and when it was *really* raining, we huddled together in little cabanas and read our books. survival pro-tip: rain is no match for tequila.

3. Abuse the Unlimited Food Like a True American

since the resort was all inclusive, we could eat like it was Apocalypse Eve. the food wasn’t amazing, but it was good. here’s some highlights:

flaming fancy pants coffee drinks!

desserts with UMBRELLAS!!!!! umbrellas make everything 100% awesomer.

chocolate ice cream with add-yr-own sprinkles!

and the best part of brunch: DIY MIMOSA BAR! which would never exist in texas! because we would immediately take advantage of it and run that business into the ground!

4. Abuse the Unlimited Drinks Like a True… Human Being

thanks to the weather, we spent a lot of time here:

A. LOT. OF. TIME.

and when you’re on a beach/tropical vacation, you can’t just drink beer (let me rephrase that: you can’t ONLY drink beer). you have to drink colorful cocktails and beverages with silly names! that’s like, the Tourist Law!

you may recall that henri adopted the Blue Hawaiian during last year’s trip. well, for mexico, his chosen drink was the Sea Breeze! because he is basically a girl.

on one night in particular, there was a group of young, early 20s mexicans who kept ordering the coolest looking cocktails. so i started going up to the bar and pulling a when harry met sally, i.e. “we’ll have what they’re having.” the result was lots of really pretty, crazy delicious drinks containing I HAVE NO IDEA. but look how pretty!!

(i cut meredith’s head out of that picture cos she’s making an unflattering facial expression and my journalistic integrity only allows me to post attractive photos of my friends)

5. Find Your Child Archnemesis

one of my favorite stories from hawaii was our encounter with kate, whom we still quote to this day (“ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YR SHORTS?”). we didn’t find anyone QUITE so awesomely evil at the resort (although we did have a run in with the Devil Girl outside of coco bongo, but i didn’t want to get into it on the internets cos i’m afraid she’ll put a gypsy curse on me), but we did witness the finest example of a Wuss Run that i have EVER seen. here’s what happened:

while hanging out by the pool, i spotted a kid (probably around 7-years-old) running toward us who was obvs in the middle of a huge tantrum. he threw himself down behind a chair, then decided he needed to get further away from his parentals, so he got up again, yelled something like, “I HATE IT HERE!” and then wuss ran past us. in a stroke of genius, matt yelled, “NO RUNNING!” causing the boy to stop, shoot us a withering look, and continue on with his wuss run.

and now, the Pants World Players present a highly accurate reenactment!

6. Visit the Adorable Cos It’s Touristy But Vaguely Authentic Nearby Town!

on our last night, henri, erica and i decided to take a cab over to playa del carmen. y’all it is the CUTEST!!!!!

seriously, the playa del carmen tourism bureau knows how turn up the charm. they also apparently know how to design the ultimate in photo opps for postcards and/or generic coffee shop art.

there’s tons of shops to poke around in, and store owners seem to have two methods of attracting business: 1. promising you, at top volume, that they can make you a good deal 2. putting lots of shiny things on display. #1 didn’t work on us at all, but #2? yeah, we’re total suckers.

that is, unless the shiny is in the form of terrible art. then… NO THANKS.

we decided to do a little Greatest Hits tour of our favorite places from two years ago, so we hit up the uber cool bar at hotel deseo:

featuring the hottest hipster bartenders in mexico:

and the EXTREMELY DELICIOUS KIWI MARTINI OMG I MISS YOU SO MUCH:

we then proceeded to the tiki-style bar whose name i can never remember…

… where henri proceeded to stare at the giant creepy koi fish:

he claimed to be “fascinated” by them, but we all know he was secretly terrified.

the only new place we tried was el diablito cha cha cha (i know, right?!! i wish american businesses would start adding “cha cha cha” to their names cos then they would be WAY more fun to say. “hey guys, i gotta go do some grocery shopping at HEB CHA CHA CHA!”). one of the hipster bartenders recommended it, and his hotness did not mislead me! this place was full of negocios deliciosos!

we ended the night at the blue parrot, which has my favorite bar seating in the world: SWINGS!

and that, dear readers, is how pantsers GET THEIR FUN DONE. hurricanes can suck it!

by the time we had to head back to texas, all of us were actually ready to leave… not because we didn’t have a great time together, but because in pants world, there’s always something awesome around the corner, waiting to be enjoyed/spazzed over.

oh yeah, and also because everyone really, really missed their phones.

so, without further ado, here’s a sample of the freedoms we are so v. lucky to have thanks to AMERICA!

that’s right, i broke out the ANIMATED GIFS. that’s how much i heart this country.

1. freedom of party themes

in america, we have the right to theme our parties in whatever way we choose. this is a HUGE right that i think a lot of us take for granted. i mean, how would you feel if the government told you you could only have a last airbender birthday party but you really wanted a harry potter one instead? obvs that would be an egregious violation of yr god-given american rights! not to mention a totally lame party!

i celebrated this freedom on the fourth of july at chris and trish’s house, where they threw a British America Party. we ate shepherd’s pie and crumpets, drank pimm’s cups and watched old james bond movies. in other countries, this might be considered treachery or, at the v. least, terrorism. but america chose not to interfere with our bloody good time, because america loves fun.

i didn’t take pictures at the party (I KNOW! WHO AM I?!) but here’s a delicious representation of a pimm’s cup, aka what we all would be drinking right now if our forefathers had just simmered down a little.

2. freedom to move to warmer, more awesome cities

there are lots of people who live in places where it snows, and for some unfathomable reason, they like it. but what about the people that are tired of knit hat hair and losing fingers and toes and basically dying a little inside every time they have to leave their house? in some countries, those people just have to suck it up cos THERE’S NO WARM PLACE TO GO. but in america, we have plenty of different climates to choose from (well, for now), and we’re free to move to any city we want to live in!

i applauded this freedom on the fourth by visiting george and jenny cos THEY LIVE HERE NOW OMG!!!!!!! in fact, they arrived in the ATX on independence day itself, and their move was thankfully not interrupted by an alien invasion. so now they are free to eat queso, drink margaritas and do this as much as they want to:

3. freedom to drink cocktails of any color

obvs racism is still a v. serious problem for people around the globe, but i’m here to talk about a lesser known (and obvs lesser evil) form of racism: cocktail coloring. maybe you’ve never heard of it, so allow me to paint a graphic picture for you:

you walk into an ordinary neighborhood bar. you just enjoyed a mini sex & the city marathon, and you’re craving a cosmo like nobody’s business. the bartender says, “what’ll it be?” and you reply, with a hint of sass (cos you’re SO carrie), “i’ll have a cosmo, please!” then the bartender yells, “WE DON’T SERVE THAT KIND HERE!” and PUNCHES YOU IN THE FACE. all because you ordered a pink drink. CHILLING, ISN’T IT?

here in the united states, we can drink cocktails of all colors! red, white, green or black, they’re all fair game for yr liver! i chose to celebrate this particular freedom while at my friend carter and tary’s dinner party by drinking a V. V. BLUE MARTINI.

dazzling, isn’t it? that’s AMERICAN FREEDOM RIGHT THERE. v. delicious, liquid freedom.

4. freedom to wrap puff pastry around hot dogs and make it tasty business

sure, you might be laughing right now, thinking to yrself, “anyone can make pigs in a blanket!” well that’s where you would be WRONG, SUCKA! but this is america, where we suffer fools gladly, so it’s ok.

most people in this country make the mistake of assuming that everyone around the world has access to puff pastry. even worse, they believe that pigs in a blanket are a globally acknowledged food item. THIS IS BLATANT IGNORANCE. you think people behind the berlin wall could just walk down to their local grocery store and buy puff pastry? I DON’T THINK SO.* you think people in communist countries are allowed to even purchase hot dogs, let alone know the intricate steps involved in making pigs in a blanket? OF COURSE NOT! because hot dogs are a symbol of america! and evil governments hate america, so they will attempt to repress and even punish any attempts at making pigs in a blanket.

i proudly enjoyed this freedom on the fourth thanks to carter and tary’s amazing culinary skills. and also, if anyone in north korea is reading this post, i’m sorry to rub this tasty business in yr face but STAY STRONG!

*i mean, i’m not 100% positive, but i’m pretty sure.

5. freedom to eat all types of mac & cheese, regardless of color, size or ingredients

THIS IS MY FAVORITE FREEDOM!!!!!! well, after, like, getting to vote. and also voice dissent. ok, this is my favorite *tasty business* freedom. and if i need to explain to you why this needs to be celebrated, well, you’re obvs new to pants town (if so, welcome! and also, i really hope you like reading about food. and pants).

that’s right, carter and tary had FOUR VARIATIONS of mac & cheese at their party. because they are amazing. and also true americans.

6. freedom to watch fireworks in the company of adorable children

every country has children in its population. but does every country have adorable children? after seeing “babies,” i would have to say yes. BUT does every country let you watch fireworks with its adorable children? MAYBE. and when it comes to this vital experience, i can’t accept uncertainty. i need a gosh darn YES, and guess which country is giving me that 100% guarantee?

AMERICA THAT’S WHO! so on sunday, i had the distinct privilege of watching an awesome fireworks display alongside these super super excited kiddos:

the best part? they gave *every* *single* firework an enthusiastic response. because they’re real americans, and real americans don’t discriminate. watch this video and prepare to be INSPIRED:

and that, pants world, is just a FEW of the reasons why i am PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN. WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I’M FREE… to drink colored cocktails, eat all types of mac & cheese and, most importantly, be any kind of pants i want to be!

so, now it’s yr turn to get all starry and stripey! what freedoms did YOU celebrate on the fourth?

in case you couldn’t tell by my amazing spanish skills, i just got back from mexico! me gusta mucho!!!!! also estoy triste that it is over. but c’est la vie. oops wrong language! sorry i’m so cosmo!

see, i’ve been wanting to take a group vacation for a while now, so a few months ago, we decided to follow the meredith & sarah mantra: TAKE YR PASSION AND MAKE IT HAPPEN! that’s how, i ended up spending a week in mexico (cancun and playa del carmen) with henri, erica, matt and meredith. allow me to tell you all about it!!!!!

TUESDAY NIGHT

by now, all five of us are obvs dr. professionals when it comes to Being Rich, but i was still nicely surprised when erica, henri and i got to houston and found THIS waiting for us in matt & mere’s kitchen:

HOSTS WITH THE MOSTS!!!!!! from now on, i’m beginning every vacation with brie & champers. if someone tries to get me on a plane or ship and just offers me, like, those weird orange peanut butter crackers, I WILL REFUSE. also, i don’t accept free trips from strangers.

WEDNESDAY

the next morning, we packed up henri’s car…

and headed to the airport!!!

i know, i took pictures at the *airport*. who does that? THIS EXCITED LADY! p.s. henri likes filming me when i take pictures. he thinks it’s funny. i think it’s just cos he wants to document my amazing photography abilities.

while waiting for our flight, matt and meredith came upon what could be our next travel destination:

matt & meredith: “so, basically, this is an ad for santa fe’s hookers? LET’S GO!”

after an easy peasy flight, we landed in mexico city to wait for our plane to cancun. we had a few hours to kill, so we used them wisely. and by that i mean, we played kings! matt won lost.

a few hours later, we finally arrived in glorious cancun!!!! here’s the view from our balcony WHAT!!!

actually, when we got there, it was dark, but i wanted to give you guy something to work with.

since we were hungry like hippos, we immediately had dinner at the hotel on a lovely patio facing the ocean. first group toast in cancun! first henri mocking me in cancun!

we were feeling lazy, so we decided to lay around on the bar patio so we could enjoy more margaritas, more convo and more ocean waves. actually the last part is a lie, cos we couldn’t hear the waves over the new age, vacation-y bar music (this reminds me of an earlier argument over “return to innocence,” which everyone else swore was sung by enya and i was like NAH-AH and i was RIGHT! the only thing that soured my victory was the fact that i’d been correct about enya trivia).

THURSDAY

the next morning, we woke up and headed straight to the swimming pool!

oh pink comfy pool chairs, i miss you. but you know what miss even more? the pool bar.

we spent the day sipping on cocktails in the pool, reading in our chairs and, of course, engaging in hijinks (because it’s the Scientific Law of Henri & Meredith. you may know it by its simpler name, Alcohol).

thanks to M&M’s awesome waterproof camera bag, we were able to fully document all of the aquatic pantsing.

you know, the sweet affection shared by friends…

as well as the adorable downtime (talk about ear BUDS, heyo!).

while i blissfully engaged in some napping, henri, meredith and erica hit the ocean!

or, you could say, the ocean hit them.

with uber pruney fingers, we finally left the pool, cleaned ourselves up and headed out to the center of touristy cancun to grab some dinner before the coco bongo show (COCO BONGO!!). we settled on this huge mexican place:

mostly cos it was called el mortero, and the menu was printed on a giant tombstone.

we quickly learned that EVERYTHING in this restaurant was huge, including the menus:

the food:

and, more importantly, THE MARGARITAS!

the only thing better than tasty business is BIG tasty business, or as i like to say in mexico, NEGOCIOS DELICIOSOS! GRANDE!

seriously, who knew that the spanish translation for tasty business would be JUST as fun to say! even though i’m back in the states, i’m still gonna keep using it. mostly cos i want to maintain my language skills, obvs. NEGOCIOS DELICIOSOS!

with v. fully tummies, we walked to the main square to buy our tickets for COCO BONGO (sorry, it’s, like, really impossible to type that without using keyboard gusto). we got our wristbands from this dude, who was rocking his unibrow so hard, and so proudly, i came to love him. and the unibrow. and i have never loved a unibrow before, so that speaks a lot to this guy’s charm. and his unibrow.

while waiting in line to get in, the COCO BONGO! staff passed out various things, like glowing wristbands, shots (although we all suspected it was just apple juice) and long balloons. i really think american business should adopt this strategy, cos imagine how much more fun the post office would be if it felt like THIS:

although i am not advocating that the us postal system pass out shots and balloons. JUST KIDDING i totally am.

eventually, they let us into the club and the show began!!! as you may recall, erica, henri and i went to coco bongo two years ago, so this time around, i knew what to expect. which made me V. V. EXCITED BECAUSE OMG COCO BONGO IS AN AMAZING MAGICAL PLACE!!!

there’s a couple of reasons to love COCO BONGO. first, there’s the theatrics of it:

i mean, you won’t find this level of showmanship in any old dance club (unless pants world happens to be there. YOU’RE WELCOME, QUA).

you also would be v. v. hard pressed to find another dance club that prominently features jesus:

but i think what i love best about COCO BONGO is its enchanting and strange mishmash of culture. for example, there’s cirque de soilel type acrobats… paired with MEATLOAF!

or what about acrobats jumping to… VAN HALEN’S “JUMP”?!! genius.

notice how close that one jumper dude kept getting to me (and meredith). i think safety falls on COCO BONGO’s priority list just below “quality of alcohol.”

it’s not just the pairings that make COCO BONGO so surreal. it’s also the fact that apparently, the club exists in 2001. like, austin powers? really?!!!

in fact, the only two updates to the show that i noticed were 1. the phantom of the opera and 2. “single ladies.” i was going to say that at least that’s one post-2001 piece, but i think it’s canceled out by PHANTOM OF THE OPERA WHAT.

whatevs, here’s some beyonce for you:

and some JAY-Z HOLLA!

speaking of updates, they got rid of the beetlejuice portion, which made me sad (esp. midget beetlejuice!!!! instead they had a midget dressed up like a mini austin powers. because, you know, that makes more sense than, say, mini-me). BUT they still had my other fave parts, like:

SLASH!

and SPIDERMAN!!!!

but who am i kidding. the hands down best part of COCO BONGO is ALL OF THE CRAZY SHIZZ THAT FALLS FROM THE SKY!!!!

skinny balloons!!!

gigantic balloons!!

oh yeah, that’s our COCO BONGO friend sarah! as you can see, she was awesome. she easily fulfilled all of my pantship requirements: 1. she loved dancing. 2. she thought we were great. 3. she posed fantastically for all of my photos.

but the best thing to come from the sky (ok, not food. this isn’t cloudy with a chance of meatballs, y’all. BUT OH I WISH IT WAS) was, obvs, CONFETTI!! BLIZZARDS AND HEAPS AND MOUNTAINS OF CONFETTI!!!

COCO BONGO is all about the sensory overload. like, not only do they continuously cover you with confetti, they pair it with fog blasts and C+C MUSIC FACTORY HOLLA!!!!!

in other words, COCO BONGO = pants world heaven. i mean, look at this faces. these are kids-on-a-toys-r-us-spree, addicts-in-a-crack-den, posh-in-a-cupcake-store faces.

oh COCO BONGO, you made our pants so v. happy. NEVER CHANGE!*

stay tuned for the second half of our mexican adventures! QUE PANTALONES!

*well, ok, drop the austin powers. and maybe add some lady gaga? and justin? but besides that, NEVER CHANGE! I LU!

p.s. my friend faye just told me about this amazing program in colombia that teaches orphans how to knit and therefore earn a living. how cool is that? y’all should go read about it and then vote for them in the facebook contest so they can money to support their awesomeness!

as you may recall from my ‘06 post, the family on my mom’s side gathers together every other year at a dude ranch in the hill country to catch up, reminisce and basically love the crap out of each other. i’ve been attending these reunions since i was a wee little pants, so you can imagine that i was utterly disappointed when i couldn’t make it to the one in ‘08 (dang mexican wedding!). consequently, it had been four years since i had seen some of these folks. FOUR YEARS! that’s like… college! i.e. a whole clustercuss of things has happened! obvs, i had a lot of gabbing to do.

one of the best parts of the reunion for me has always been the drive up with my parents. it’s nice to spend some quality time with my teeny branch of the family tree before we join up with the whole leafy bunch. the drive this year may have hit an all time high cos we stopped in fredericksburg!!!! i KNOW you know what that means, but you may not be prepared for the summer bonus: fredericksburg peaches!!!

look how soft and plump and gorgeous those peaches are!!! i want to kiss them all on their fuzzy little faces!!!! just like babies! except i don’t ever eat babies after i kiss them. obvs.

and, here’s the part you knew was coming, we chillaxed at the auslander!

thanks, mom and dad, for raising me to respect tasty business and beverages! i would not be the nommer i am today without yr love and guidance. oh and dad, here’s a new facebook profile pic for ya:

and here’s the new profile pic for MY TUMMAH!!!!!

oh reuben, when we’re apart, i dream of you. and when we’re together, i consume you. you know, like any healthy relationship.

we finally made it to bandera and pulled into the flying L ranch, which looked exactly the same (well, the front of it did. they added a mini-waterpark in the back that i chose to ignore cos it ain’t no schlit).

after several reunions at the flying L, we decided this one would be our last, cos it’s time to move on to better pastures. but i sure do have a lot of memories stored up in this place, and i’m glad i got to see it one more time.

we met up with everyone at dinner, and once i saw all of those familiar faces, my heart felt right at home. of course, some of those faces have gained a few more wrinkles, but i was mostly concerned with THE CHILDREN! SO MANY ADORABLE CHILDREN!

here’s my cousin justus with his awesomely mustachioed uncle jason:

and here’s me with my two new besties, willow and madeline.

i don’t know why i even bothered getting in the picture, cos i cannot compete with that amount of cuteness.

and GUESSWHATGUESSWHAT. there was a BABY AT THE REUNION!!! OMG!! that almost never happens!!! meet the impossibly precious michael, proudly displayed by his sister, aislinn:

it makes me sad to know that the next time i see michael, those adorable cheeks will be a little less pinch-able. on the flip side, he’ll be able to carry on a conversation and use the potty by himself, so that will be nice.

the weekend was filled with our usual reunion activities, and by that i mean, lots of talking and lots of picturing taking. throughout the weekend, i experienced little moments of amazement, just from seeing different generations together– my family *being* a family.

here’s justus with his mama, karen. when we were kids, karen and i would play on this old spinning exercise stand that her grandmother, mattie, kept in her house. p.s. back then, i thought karen was the COOLEST. and guess what, she still is.

here’s bill, the oldest nelson at the reunion, hanging out with james, his nephew. james is hands down the most affable member of our family, and also apparently does not know how to apply sunblock.

it made my heart happy to see all of those other branches and realize i’m still connected to them, by blood but, more importantly, by love. i was surrounded by faces that reflected my own experience, making me miss the parts i’ve lost (my grandparents) and celebrate their reincarnation through the experience of my younger cousins.

it’s strange to type this, but here’s the oldest living generation of nelsons at the reunion, which includes my mom and my uncles:

and here’s the “second” generation, me and my cousins (you’ve probably noticed by now that i call everyone a cousin, cos the proper name is just way too much trouble). it’s still hard for me to believe that we’re not the youngest ones on the block anymore!

and here’s our huge family portrait, with everyone squinting uncomfortably on the texas sun, per tradition:

other traditions of the reunion include:

the bbq, where we ride down to the river and eat and swat away mosquitoes:

note that my uncle david is wearing an old nelson reunion shirt. tres retro!

thankfully, i see these lovely ladies fairly regularly, since two of them (joanna and caroline) live in austin. julia, in the middle, lives in DC, where she, as our family like to say, “saves the world on a daily basis.”

if there’s one thing our family knows how to do, besides talk and take pictures, it’s appreciate texas.

check out madeline’s red boots. THEY LIGHT UP! i told her it runs in the family, cos i have light up sneakers. she was not impressed, which makes sense, cos light up boots are WAY cooler than sneakers.

the other tradition we have is taking over the tiny ranch bar every night so we can keep dishing and drinking (obvs).

scott likes to take advantage of the pool table, although i think his favorite sport at the ranch is throwing horseshoes. btw i love that i grew up throwing horseshoes. that’s like, LEGIT TEXAS Y’ALL.

specific highlights from this year’s reunion include:

1. THE CUTENESS

oh man THERE WAS SO MUCH ADORBING GOING ON!!!

first, we had michael, who is precious 24/7.

then we had willow and madeline, who were INSTA-BFF and v. v. excitable. cousin sarah took full advantage of this in order to capture some amazing photographs, the best one being THIS MASTERPIECE OF PHOTOJOURNALISM:

that’s right, i asked them to make their fighting faces. AND THEY BROUGHT THE FIERCENESS. HARD. then they got in trouble for being too hyper. sorry, ladies, but sometimes we just have to be martyrs for the cause. the cause of the blog.

justus had a blast burning roasting marshmallows during s’more time, but then he balked at the prospect of actually eating the blackened gooeyness.

karen (mom): here’s yr marshmallow, justus!

justus: it’s dirty!!

karen: no, it’s not. you roasted it, so it’s dark on the outside.

justus: IT’S DIRTY! i need a clean one!

karen: well, it turns brown when you put it over the fire. here, try it.

justus: (takes tiny bite, makes the same face i do when i eat an onion) I NEED A CLEAN ONE!

so awesome.

2. THE TUBING

on saturday, a big group of us decided to participate in the #1 summer sport in texas, tubing. madeline was READY FOR ACTION:

she even had a cute hot pink life jacket, skillfully modeled here by her dad, scott:

the nelsons definitely have strong family values, and by that i mean, they value awesome. it was easy to see that everyone was a total tubing professional, including heidi and frank:

james and my mom (YES! MY PARENTS CAME! i was impressed):

and me (obvs, you know i have major summer skills) and dad, who is the king of sun protection. as you can see.

caroline forgot her bathing suit at home, but never fear: the super s food mart in bandera has EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY NEED, including swimsuits, sunglasses, hats, neon floater sunglasses strings, high school musical purses… basically, caroline’s entire ensemble in this picture (ok, she didn’t get the purse. as far as i know).

highlights of tubing included several of my cousins jumping out of v. tall trees (and my dad not having a heart attack), the fact that james and i stayed in our tubes THE ENTIRE TIME because we are masters of the river, and the moment when my dad, who vocally hated on my choice of lone star lite (y’all, it’s the ultimate tubing beer. if you lose it, no big deal. if water gets into it, it tastes the same) by saying, “that’s not even beer” and then, once we were on the water, ASKED ME FOR ONE. of course, i gave him a can, because i love him, but not before i insisted that he ask me for “a beer,” thereby acknowledging that lone star lite is, in fact, a beer.

3. MAFIA

on saturday night, a small group of us gathered in the bar to play mafia, because we are a family and we’re allowed to do completely dorky things when we’re together and ENJOY IT.

this picture pretty much sums up our two hours of playing:

jim, being the lawyer, had to question and cross examine EVERYTHING, while caroline, his daughter, deflected his skepticism with the power of her mafia narration.

the game had its high points:

and its low points:

(i asked amy and julia to make a face that expressed their feelings about the game at that point. obvs, they were upset. or plotting someone’s murder. or both)

as well as its SHOCKING POINTS!

btw, how sweet is aislinn’s sparkly cowboy hat?

in one of the most intense moments of the game, james accused jim, HIS OWN FATHER, of being the killer. here’s how jim reacted:

if there’s one thing the nelsons have taught me, it’s to take a lot of pictures. oh but also, to take fun v. v. v. seriously. as you can see, we did just that (and then some).

it was so, so wonderful to spend the weekend with my family, my dear, crazy, totally amazing family. and then, to finish off the weekend, we stopped in gruene, where i got to spend a little more time with my two favorite members:

nelson family, i’ll see y’all in 2012, but until then, STAY CRAY!

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW! I’M SO EXCITED!!!!!!

this movie was definitely one of my top slumber party picks from 1988 to, well, the present. first of all, it’s just a really funny, super charming film. but more importantly, it’s about a BABYSITTER. and everyone, esp. 9-year-old girls, knows that babysitters are the COOLEST!!!!

when i was a kid, i longed to be old enough to work as a babysitter, and this passion was no doubt fueled by my addiction to the baby-sitters club books. but then “adventures in babysitting” came out, and it took my dream profession to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF FIERCE.

i mean, let’s compare. the craziest thing that ever happened on the BSC was, like, the ghost in dawn’s house, which ended up not even being remotely gross or bloodthirsty. why settle for this kind of babysitting:

when you could have THIS?!!

AM I RIGHT?!!!!

as i inched closer to actual teenagehood, i watched this movie religiously, taking notes on everything that made chris parker a totally amazing babysitter, from her hair (such bountiful waves!) to her sassy attitude.

i studied her singing voice, her knife moves, her balance, anything that might help me to become the ultimate babysitter. until the day when I BECAME ONE. JUST LIKE CHRIS PARKER!

i mean, check out the AMAZING similarities between chris parker and babysitter-age (13) posh d:

• they’re both babysitters!!!!!!
• they love to dance around their room and lip sync to their fave songs.
• they both seem like lovely girls.

here are the minute differences:

• chris parker is a 17 -year-old played by a 24-year-old actress; posh is a 13-year-old played by her 13-year-old self.
• chris has a boyfriend; posh does not (nor would she ever date anyone with the license plate “so cool” THANK YOU V. MUCH).
• chris looks like a playboy model; posh doesn’t even have boobs yet.
• chris cares enough about her friend brenda to take two kids into the city; posh would let brenda rot in the telephone booth because DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE I COULD GET IN?

sorry, brenda! p.s. watch out for the kittens.

• chris can make up a blues song on the spot; posh would probably have gone for simply switching out “girl” for “babysitter” in no doubt’s “i’m just a girl” and hoped the blues band was cool with a little ska.
• chris cusses out a gang member at knife point; posh could’ve never even made eye contact, let alone use the f word.
• chris is a little bit intimidated by thor; posh wants to jump his bones.
• chris lets a college boy kiss her; posh thinks she should’ve gone for joe the car thief.

see? we were basically the same person.

given our history, you can see why i would be COMPLETELY SPAZZING OUT about watching this movie tonight, esp. with a theater full of chris parks fans. we’re gonna sing “and then he kissed me,” boo when mr. so cool comes on screen and hail thor, mighty god of thunder! EEEE!!! oh and drink cocktails*, of course.

and if any of you happen to get stuck at a creepy bus station and need rescuing, DON’T CALL ME.

*good babysitters NEVER drink on the job. but they do expose their kids to truckers with hooks for hands!

so, the main purpose of my trip was to meet up with jenny, my fellow troublemaker on foreveryoungadult.com, and attend the book expo of america (BEA), which is basically this huge clustercuss of publishers, authors and bloggers. it was kind of overwhelming but definitely fantastic, and you can read about our adventures here and here. even if you’re not into YA (cos you so CRAZY), you should definitely check out my recap, simply for jenny’s amazing facial expressions and the photo of mac & cheese.

here on P to the D, i’ll be sharing my non-BEA adventures, which includes the night before the conference, when i met up with ye olde cy-creeker erika!

i typically only see erika once a year (when i go to NYC, obvs), but it always feels like we’re picking up a conversation from, say, the day before. erika’s super smart and sassy, and i love dishing with her about everything from our high school days (COUGAR GOSSIP) to the highly enjoyable terribleness of “new moon.” erika is also totes skilled in the tasty business arena, so when she suggested we dine at angelica kitchen, i wholeheartedly agreed even though it is all vegan. i’m not against vegan, of course, but i always feel like something is missing… what is it… oh yeah, REAL CHEESE.

but oh dang, angelica was all FACE HARD sarah! cos the food was ULTRA. DELICIOUS. check my burrito:

and there were tasty veggies inside!! i think i even ate an onion WHAT I KNOW! don’t tell anyone or my rep will be ruined!

and get a load of our desserts. and remind yrself that there is no dairy present!

AMAY-MAY. seriously. and pretty inexpensive, too! thanks for the rec and the convo, erika. see you in october! AWWW C-C!

the next few days were a blur of, to summarize my BEA posts:

booksbloggersCOCKTAILPANELbooksTASTYBUSINESSauthorsbloggersCOCKTAILPANELbooksbooksCOCKTAILPANEL.

on friday, i skipped the last few hours of the book blogger convention, because the panels were not nearly as interesting to me as THIS PLATE OF CHEESE FRIES:

it’s really not fair to compare the two, because can anything be as fascinating as cheese fries? that’s why they’re the ideal guest at any shindig, although this little party crasher gave them a run for their money!

cutest violation of NYC health code EVER!!!! i literally stared at this dog for about an hour. just me, beer, cheese fries and that dog. it was an ideal afternoon.

eventually i met up with amber and ben, who took me to a mexican place that was actually GOOD. i know, it’s blasphemous to even contemplate the idea that mexican food in NEW YORK CITEH could be tasty, but it was! of course, it was also 10 x the price of torchy’s and 1/2 as delicious. but still. A for effort, new york!

the next morning, we got up early so we could get a table at shopsin’s, a restaurant i have been DREAMING ABOUT ever since i saw this video:

that’s right, chef shopsin makes MAC & CHEESE PANCAKES. SWEET HOLY MOSES!!!!!!!!!!!! that is like, the holy grail of tasty business you guys.

what i didn’t realize when i saw that video is that shopsin’s is super, duper tiny. like, this is it:

there are maybe 8 seats inside, and then four 2-person tables in the “outside” area. that’s it. so you better believe we got there right when they opened at 9 AM so we could get in line for a table. and we only had to wait 40 minutes! that’s a small price to pay for THIS MAGNIFICENCE:

when i looked down at that plate, i felt like those nazi soldiers in indiana jones when the lost ark opens and they don’t close their eyes so they are SLAIN BY FEARSOME SPIRITS. like, i almost could not physically handle the gloriousness before me. i say almost cos hello, i’m a tasty business professional! so i did what was necessary, aka i DEVOURED THOSE PANCAKES! bonus: they come with hot sauce HOLLA!!!!!!!!

seriously, they were just as delicious and amazing and weird as i’d hoped they would be. shopsin’s, we shall meet again!

after breakfast, amber and i headed to… ok, let me prep this story for you. first, you should know that amber and ben are engaged (yay!). second, i need to make you aware, if you aren’t already, of a show called “say yes to the dress.” i apologize in advance for ruining yr blissful ignorance because the show is RIDONKULOUS. the ONLY reason i’ve seen it is because of the commercial breaks during law & order at the gym (the TLC tv is close by, ok? sue me!). anyhoo, the show takes place at this super ritzy, over the top bridal store called kleinfeld… which is where amber and i went on saturday afternoon. OH LORD THIS PLACE IS INSANE. it’s like the caesar’s palace of wedding gowns. thankfully, we were assisted by sarah, who is awesome enough to deserve the name (she also occasionally appears on the show). she is, in her own words, VERY DRAMATIC. as is her taste in wedding gowns. i could go on and show you pictures of all of the dresses amber tried on, but, well, no. suffice it to say, amber looked incredibly gorgeous, i picked my favorite and LET’S MOVE ON. ENOUGH WITH THE SATIN.

following the bridal extravaganza, we poked around some (non-televised) stores, my favorite being fishs eddy, which sells totally fun & unique plates and glasses and other kitchen stuff. check out these sizzling coasters! OH LA LA!

all of that arduous window-shopping really worked up our appetites, so we met ben at this restaurant called the meatball shop. look at this engaged cuteness!

wanna know why it’s called the meatball shop? COS THEY ONLY SERVE MEATBALLS!!!! well, i mean, they have a few sides but it’s mostly just meatballs which is AWESOME. i totally felt like i was hanging out on sesame street!

NOMMY NOM PANTS!

that night, amber and i went to times square to see a show! obvs we had to take a super touristy picture together.

i can’t look at this photo and not hear the “laverne & shirley” theme song for some reason. we’re gonna make our dreams come true, DOIN’ IT OUR WAY!

amber, being the sophisticated connoisseur of the arts that she is, got us tickets for “come fly away,” a dance show choreographed by twyla tharp and featuring the music of frank sinatra. it was AMAZING!!!!!!!! here are some pictures from the show, courtesy of the ny times:

need i point out that SHE IS DANCING IN HEELS? GOLDEN HEELS?!!

GAH the dancing was INCREDIBLE. but i’m not theater critic, so you should read the ny times review if you want the expert analysis. i will point out, however, at the article missed a v. important detail:

THERE ARE SIPPY CUPS!!!!

that’s right, kids! if you order a drink at the bar beforehand, they’ll give it to you in a sippy cup, which you can enjoy during the whole show without the danger of wasted alcohol spillage! and the cups make v. useful souvenirs!

we ended the night at the stanton social, this super shishi restaurant where APPARENTLY lots of stars hang out even though I SAW NO ONE (HELLO KEANU WTF). then again, who needs celebs when you can have DONUTS!! WITH DIPPING SAUCE!!

i would compare them to parkside’s donut holes, except they took them off the menu because apparently they want to ANGER ME.

the next day, we headed to brooklyn to see ben & amber’s new apartment (they’re moving, like, next week!). on the way, we walked through the brooklyn flea (market):

i can’t decide if having a flea market in a posh building makes the merchandise look classy by association or cheap in comparison?

the new apartment is in this high rise building, which means amber and ben are going to have an AMAZING VIEW. this one, to be exact!

i know, right?!! it’s like the opening scene from a movie!!! in fact, if i were amber and ben, i would start every day by looking out the window and pretending like my life is a film. oh wait, i do that already.

next, we journeyed to prospect park, which was full of people celebrating memorial day weekend (and the beautiful weather).

new yorkers are REALLY good at using public space, you guys. and apparently, in the 1800s they were also really good at maximizing indoor space, as amber and i learned on our tenement museum tour!!

that’s right, everyone gets a fan because THERE IS NO A/C IN THE TENEMENTS, PEOPLE. and don’t even THINK about indoor plumbing.

that’s our tour guide, displaying the grossery known as an outhouse. he was really nice but not as, well, educational as i would’ve have liked. still, it was really neat/horrifying to see how people lived back then– specifically, the moore family back in 1869. here’s a photo of the place before the museum did any restoration:

YIKES. MARTHA STEWART AVERT YR EYES.

now that it’s been redone to resemble the conditions in 1869, it looks a lot better, obvs. still, it’s pretty small, esp. for a family.

check out their kitchen:

not only did they not have, say, a microwave, but that’s a coal burning stove. throw in some kerosene lamps and it’s like, as our tour guide put it, “living inside a cigarette.” NO THANKS. p.s. I LOVE YOU 2010.

if you want to feel even more grateful to be alive in modern times, you can see extensive photos here.

we ended our weekend together in true amber fashion, with dinner at the charmingly french tartine!

we drank wine, ate mussels and fries (and then more fries. cos that’s how we roll) and chatted the night away. it was the perfect end to a deliciously fun trip!

and let’s not forget about the ultimate bonus of any visit to new york: coming home to AUSTIN! henri picked me up from the airport and took me straight to eastside cafe so i could reunite with one of my fave austinites, BAKED BRIE:

new york, i’ll always love you, but austin is where my pants belong. till next time, STAY FABULOUS! (but maybe get a little cheaper, eh?)

a few weekends ago, erica g. set up a girlie weekend at the hyatt lost pines, a fancy pants, family-friendly resort that totally reminds me of the hotel in “dirty dancing” except with less scandalous dancing. located in bastrop on a massive amount of land, it aims for a balance of luxury and rustic texas charm.

btw, those people are settling down for the outdoor movie of the night, which i believe was “finding nemo.” like i said, WAY less scandalous.

here’s the main lobby, featuring a chandelier made from a big tree branch and those cheap plastic candles people put in their windows at christmas.

ahh, i love it when texans try to be classy!

even though it was a girlie weekend, erica invited some boys to join us for the day, because everyone knows that male foolishness really increases the entertainment value of pool time. here’s erica k. with her boy, josh. now josh DO SOMETHING RIDICULOUS.

besides girlfriends and silly boys, here’s what else you need for High Quality Pool Time:

1. beverages MAJOR DUH. erica g., please demonstrate.

2. also in the obvs category, tasty business!!!! and since this was a fancy hotel, there were servers available to bring yr food & bevvies right to yr beach chair!! because rich people are lazy! which is one of the reasons i love being rich! we ordered sweet potato fries and parmesan fries, cos you can never have too many fries. NEVER.

3. stupid magazines! check out amber’s pose, which illustrates how you can read one and still look super rich:

4. and, last but not least, for the ultimate pool experience, you need a LAZY RIVER!!!!

allow me to use the following photos to illustrate the Absolute Perfection of lazy rivers. first, as you can see, pale sexy (thank you twilight!) people like me can easily keep their hats on and therefore avoid sunburns. p.s. yes, dad, i was also wearing spf 50 sunscreen!! and i reapplied!

second, the presence of two-person tubes allows couples to share some special romantic time together. i mean, look at the martial bliss all over selina and tommy’s faces!

third, the slow current of the lazy river minimizes physical exertion while still keeping yr beverages safe and unspilled. george, visiting from boston, was understandably blown away by this feat of aquatic technology.

george had also never– ok, you guys are SO not gonna believe me but i swear i am not making this up– BEEN ON A WATER SLIDE. THAT’S RIGHT. GEORGE HAD NEVER IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE SLID DOWN A SLIDE COATED IN WATER AND ENDING IN A POOL.

OBVS this had to be rectified. so even though the lost pines water slide is proooobably meant for children, we all gave it a go. here’s MSWR, displaying perfect form on her landing!

george enjoyed it, but we warned him that this was like, pocket change compared to the schlitterbahn. and since he and jenny are moving to austin (yay!), he will soon GET TO SCHLIT HIS PANTS!!

after pool time, we kicked out the boys (BYE GUYS!) and decided to eat dessert before dinner, because even though we’ve been adults for years, it’s still feels so mischievious! i mean, there is a v. high risk we could spoil our appetites! FLIRTING WITH DANGER! and if you’ve ever been to any ranch-type place in texas, you know exactly what’s for dessert:

S’MORES!!!!!!!

fyi, amber actually was excited, she was just going for the pitchfork face.

i really wish a scientist would study the s’more, cos it’s just a marshmallow (blah) combined with graham crackers (meh) and chocolate (obvs good) and yet IT IS FREAKISHLY DELICIOUS. i mean, look at the absolute joy on these faces!!!

i’m kind of thinking s’mores could maybe, like, cure cancer. or at least stop the oil spill in the gulf. so science, LOOK INTO IT. i will gladly be yr test subject.

while we waited for a dinner table, erica k. and amber entertained themselves with some good old fashioned horseshoe throwing.

is this an olympic sport yet? if not, it should be. and the uniforms have to include cowboy boots and wranglers with the snuff can outline on the butt. i mean, just to make it look really official.

we ate dinner outside in the lovely summer night air:

which mean that it got too dark for me to take a picture of my delicious burger and spinach dip! sorry! you’ll just have to take my tummy’s word for it.

we ended the night with another of my fave texas traditions: sitting on the porch in rocking chairs, sipping wine and gossipin’!

next time, i’m gonna make MSWR bring her fiddle, cos that was the only thing missing. then in the middle of a story, she could bust it out and we could break into spontaneous folk songs like… um, camptown races? or something?

in the morning, we scored another table outside for brunch. i love that no one was wearing any make-up– that’s like, Extreme Girlie. and i know you’re thinking, “but wouldn’t Extreme Girlie mean LOADS of make-up?” but it’s like, you know how libertarians are such extreme republicans that they’re practically liberals? well, that’s like the same thing with make-up and girls. um… you know. yeah. it makes perfect sense. ok, let’s just get to the picture. NAKED FACES.

the hotel has a breakfast buffet, featuring this BOUNTIFUL TABLE OF BAKED GOODS. it reminded me of all of my favorite children’s book illustrations, i.e. mountains of elegant carbs.

here’s my first plate:

and here’s my second!

note the grits on the upper left. that’s how you can tell we’re in the south.

another lovely aspect of lost pines is that it gives you the chance to commune with nature! look at this butterfly! it liked us so much, it wanted to pick up the tab! (bah doom boom CHING)

we ate, we talked, we poshed it up until the cows came home! or, more literally, the horses.

i gotta give mad pants to erica g. for making this weekend possible. and also thanks to our sponsors, the Lazy River, Being Rich and most importantly, Summer!

and if any official lost pines personnel is reading this, YES you may hire me to write yr brochures! i accept all forms of payment, including unlimited rides on the lazy river.

I grew up in south Texas and I love going back to see my dad and family. We went last weekend to take a firearm safety class for women. That’s right – I shot GUNS for eight hours on Saturday! I went with my dad’s wife Michelle and step sisters Kayla and Stacey. There were women of all ages and backgrounds in the class which immediately made me happy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Anyone can shoot a gun, right? I saw it on Castle last night. I could totally pick up a gun and know what I’m doing. I’m here to tell you that showbiz has it WRONG, and the first time you fire a gun it will scare your pants off. I’m going to tell you some of the tips I learned at this class, AND you’ll get bonus guy points. In all seriousness, these are things that they teach to save your life. I’m not saying you should own a gun, but you should know how to use one.

We drove out to an outdoor range with three different areas surrounded by hills called berms. The guys came along so that they could learn in their own group while we did the formal course (I think they were jealous), and the ladies group split into beginner and advanced. We were in the beginner’s group and my dad came along with the guys.

After we split up, we met our two instructors, Jay and Pat. We spent a few hours going over the rules of the range, and general safety rules. I think this was the most important part of the whole day.

1. All guns are always loaded. This can be the gun in your closet, the concealed gun on the guy’s waistband in the supermarket, or the gun the instructor is using to demo. Assume it is loaded until you prove otherwise.
2. Never point the gun at anything you are not willing to destroy. This includes your friends, your family, your foot, and your walls.
3. Never put your finger on the trigger until you are looking at the target and ready to shoot. If you get scared or tighten your grip, you may accidentally pull the trigger.
4. Know your target and backstop. If you aim a gun at someone and miss, there is a good chance there is a wall behind them. If you don’t know what’s behind that wall, don’t fire.

The instructors broke down a semi-automatic pistol to show us how it works, and showed a revolver. The main differences are the way you hold the guns and how you reload.

Semi-automatics come with safetys to make sure you fire when you are ready to fire. There are many different types of safetys so it’s important to know how yours works. Some are levers for your thumb, others are buttons, or there can be one on the grip, magazine, or the trigger. Some guns come with two safetys which is even better.

When firing a gun, there will be recoil. THIS is actually the scary part, more than the sound. It’s going to jerk back in your hands and the lighter it is, the more it jump. Heavier guns will have less recoil but will be harder for you to control. It’s important not to anticipate the recoil or you will be off target. Kayla demonstrated this for the class with the fake blue plastic gun.

The next thing we learned was how to hold the gun when you’re aiming. The first part is called the master grip. You want to have your dominant hand around the gun with your finger ABOVE the trigger (rule #3!) as high up as you can grip. Your off hand goes on the other side so that you create a basket for the gun. You tuck your thumbs to make it as snug as possible and keep them raised for stability. For revolvers, you keep them down so the gun doesn’t burn you.

The second part of aiming is the stance. There are different stances that you can use. The first you’ve probably seen the most which is with both arms straight out and legs shoulder width apart. Stacey liked this stance. This is also the first time she held a gun and looks pretty awesome.

The second stance is more defensive. You stand with one leg forward for balance. Your dominant hand is straight and pushing the gun, while your other hand is bent elbow down to the ground and pulling the gun. This gives stability and you can move around easier.

We each went to our gun and tried our grip and stance. I was using a .38 Special revolver. The first time we fired scared the bejeezus out of me because of the kick, but at least I had a good grip. I didn’t like the revolver because it kicked like hell and my targeting was way off. Adrenaline really affects how well you can aim.

The instructors let us rotate and try all the other guns that were brought to the course. I shot a .357 Magnum, a Glock 9mm, and a Walther PPK, a Sig Sauer, a XD, an H&K, a Smith & Wesson, and a 1911. I don’t remember the calibers – which is what the numbers are – the bigger the number, the bigger the bullet. And the heavier the gun. The Glock 17 9mm ended up being my favorite with the 1911 a close second.

After a while I went to my dad’s range to spy on them and they were doing an obstacle course. I HAD to do it! They were being timed as they shot in a specific order and moved from target to target. This was SUPER cool and included a reload in the middle, so I had to stick extra ammo in my back pocket.

Here’s the bonus points with guys section, and where you can correct them during an action flick. Do not call it a clip. It is a magazine, or mag. If you call it a clip, gun geeks will make fun of you. If you call it a mag, they will probably buy you flowers.

So halfway through the course I was running through I had to drop the mag and put in a new one. I felt like the most bad ass person on the planet. I was slow for my first run ever but my accuracy was good. HELLO NEW HOBBY! I love a challenge and it turns out you can compete. I had no idea.

We were tired, sunburned, and eaten alive by giant mosquitoes by the end of the class, but it was worth it. I’m no longer afraid of guns and will try to rent guns regularly here at indoor ranges to stay that way. I felt so cool the rest of the day. And, I looked bad ass too. I mean really, check me out. And find yer own class!