PositiveLines

I'm still here

2012-09-11T05:24:00.001-07:00

I started to write about Sept. 11, 2001 and it's importance but since so many other authors can be more eloquent, I'll stick to what I know.

My anniversary of being a Floridan is coming up on year three and I'm STILL not sure this was THE right place & time. Without going on about how employment opportunities seem to be lacking and connecting to others a full time job, I'm focusing on whats good.

Hurricane Issac pretty much passed us by though her tail of downpours of rain were well noticed.

We were pretty lucky. I did take some actions to prepare such as putting fresh water in the freezer, stocking up on canned foods that wont need to be cooked, etc.

With two room mates, we should be able to help each other should something happen we need to address.

Looks like I'm still here and WILL get back to writing about being HIV + in South Florida

Re Connecting

2012-08-20T21:26:00.001-07:00

For three weeks I had no internet connection besides my cheap *ss mobile phone

No facebook, no blogging, no Adam4....

After a short while i didn't miss it. Finding a few internet cafes (OK free spots like Fusion & the Pride Center) helped.

Did you miss me? I did spend more time in the sun, did some more reading and just being free of an internet hold on me.

Insurance woes

2012-08-01T23:00:00.001-07:00

I found out that I can't afford to keep my private insurance. The HMO just became too expensive so I'm working on applying for Ryan White help.

That means in Broward County I have to go through "Central Intake" bringing proof of residency, blood work showing a detectable status (thank goodness I keep files of those) and income verification

If you've gone though this process, you know how fretful I feel right now

Trust me: I'll survive this too it's just getting past this gosh darn red tape

An Obersvation

2012-07-11T18:54:00.005-07:00

I'm deviating from a Positive mode and focusing on the Gay side here

A few thoughts:

Heterosexuals are more likely to make life than homosexuals. Hetero's make kids, so after work and such, they have to devote time to raising them and feeding them. Homosexual couples and those married with kids are part of this, too.

But what about us without children? What would they have? My answer to that, is time.
Most of us don't raise kids, so how should we contribute to society? Volunteering for something. Get educated and motivated politically. Get involved in science and create new medicine or space travel. Plant your own organic food. Learn a new language. Take care of the elderly, animals, your own nieces/nephews..

You know, everything hardworking hetero's have little or no time for, gay people should take care of. This is how we can contribute to human society.

I'm not saying to do it when you're too tired; we're all human after all. We need sleep, food/water, and love. But that time which most of us would otherwise spend on kids if we were straight, could be used for something wonderful. We have some great potential here, let's not waste it.

Searching

2012-07-11T02:02:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty happy with what I do to make a buck. It pays the bills so my rent, food, utilities etc. are all covered. I'm even able to save a few dollars for the future while I'm in school too.

It sure would be nice to move up a bit so I've been searching, scouring, reading all the sources for decent part time work. Craigs List, Linked In, Career Builder: you name it, I'm on it

Yesterday patience paid off: well sort of. I have an interview today and what I find promising is the caller said she liked one job I have listed on my resume. It's not the most recent but for this weekend spot, well like I said, I have an interview.

three weeks, really?

2012-07-08T14:45:00.001-07:00

I just noticed I haven't written in three weeks, GASP!
Still alive and working p/t in the Ft Lauderdale area and yes, I'm still that Positive happy go lucky guy.

On July 4th I ventured onto water about the Mussett for the Fireworks Gay Tea Cruise and I gotta say I had a blast. Hanging out with some new friends, dancing like a fool with who knows and seeing some GREAT fireworks from peoples homes along the Intercoastal.

Have YOU ever seen RENT live? The musical I mean!! I did at Broward Center for Performing Arts on July 6th. It was put on by students in their summer camp program. I'll be blunt honest it's not THE best performance I've seen but the story is always good & touching. My favorite song from the show is now, not Seasons of Love but "One Song, One Glory." Perhaps I'll sing it karaoke one night.

Here's the song from the motion picture

This Saturday, July 7th I stopped at the Pride Center and walked though it's monthly flea market, No bargains for this guy but it's a nice simple space and I can only bet "in season" it's PACKED. If I hadn't bicycled there I would have bought an orchid for just $10.

I wish I had more to report and I know I will in three more weeks since I decided to make a trip to Washington DC and see the Names Project Quilt on the national mall
That's bound to be so emotional for me.

Stigma: the "fear" word

2012-07-03T20:46:00.003-07:00

Oh that word, it hangs like Damocles over us, a painted lady or "The Scarlet Letter"

Fear creates an image that produces anger and mistrust.
Lepers would yell "unclean" and steer clear of public places. Despite constant but not recent messages about HIV/AIDS, a fear from people often brings our own fears, sense of inadequacies, lack of confidence and depression.

Stigma: how bold one word can appear. Did you know a definition is "part of the female reproductive part of a flower?" No doubt some man turned that to be a diminutive.

Stigma: back to the "Clean UB2" discussion. Sure I live in a tropical area- South East Florida but I do bathe often, use deodorant, brush my teeth after eating, clean my nails, comb my shampood hair, etc.

All my clothes are washed before wearing and of course, proper sun care & facial products are used: I am a gay man after all!!! Being a non smoker, there's no odor surrounding me. I AM CLEAN

UB2 is more a way of saying "Lepers keep away: I don't trust my self to have safe or safer sex"

There is no way in all creation I'd want someone I know or not know, friend of foe to become HIV positive like me. That, to me is a clean thought.

Some where I saw a guy on a bicyle wearing a jersey with the words "Positive Pedler" on it and the back of his jersey the words "Eliminating stigma through our positive public example."

How I adore that phrase and it turns out it's the misson statement of that organization

Let's vow to live that, positive or not "Through our positive public example"

Let's talk about our own fears and overcome them with each other: our friends, lovers, family and churches

Get tested and carry on: Take our meds and carry on. Live life and carry on
Pos or not: lets end the stigma

Learn more by talking and reading I'd recommend starting here The Stigma Project who's mission is
The Stigma Project seeks to create an HIV neutral world, free of judgement and fear by educating both positive and negative individuals from all walks of life, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, race, or background and reducing the HIV infection rate through knowledge and awareness.

Being Peace

2012-07-03T04:53:00.001-07:00

I started this fitness bootcamp and though I've usually been in pretty good shape, I'm learning more about feeling worn out and inspired more each session

Sure my body is improving but also my mind, spirit and outlook.

When we build up one part of our lives, others follow and smiles come easier, sleep lasts longer and making friends that much more fulfilling.

Some guys in our group can't keep up and one thing I try to do is encourage them, mostly on our fitness walk. That walk is only 3 miles and has been mid day when the sun is at it's peak and some guys bodies are already worn out.

Saying "Hey, you made it this far" not only gives them support but myself as well.

I'm going to try that at work, and in every day life

"Hey, WE made it this far; let's all keep going together"

It's here

2012-06-24T11:23:00.001-07:00

Pride in Ft Lauderdale/Wilton Manors is today and I'm going despite "sever thunderstorm warnings"

There's a street festival 'till 6 then the parade at 7pm. Why 7? Due to the summer heat, organizers moved it back two years ago I was told.

As in my previous post, Pride to ME is more about overt satisfaction of being alive, living in a country where for the most part, being queer isn't a big issue.

It's how I'll show respect for those who fought with tears, blood & jail for us to be able to be open

It's knowing I can eventually meet one man and call it a recognized relationship in a few states and in my county

When I was outted at one job where I thought I had to keep private life private I realized I'd never keep my queerness locked up again

I'm out/proud/queer and Positive

Pride?

2012-06-20T22:32:00.001-07:00

Late June is Gay Pride!! A time to remember the drag queens who fought back in New York; A time to celebrate our uniqueness: A time to think about the strides taken over the years in 'These Puritanical United States"

We in the LGBTQi community mark Pride with parades, street festivals, bbq's and such.

With rainbow flags on each street pole, the City of San Fransisco was ready for Pride in May.

People will gather or have already come together in cities from Houston to Key West. Seattle to Chicago and all points between.

Being a Florida guy, I'll be in Ft Lauderdale's "Stonewall Festival"

Proud to live openly queer, proud to live in a county with a decent 'civil rights' ordinance,

Proud to have the President speaking about my/our rights

I'm not proud of the divisions that politics and so called religious people who's ignorance feeds fear.

I'm not proud of a country that has more people locked up for what's being called "HIV criminalization"

I'm not proud of Hersey PA's school pulling a "Ryan White" on a student.

And though the article inside is well written, who is proud of this cover page?

This is about getting tested and the high prevalence of HIV in South East Florida,

Let's be proud together, to enjoy the communities that support us, shop at stores where I know my hard earned money goes. And wear glitter, LOTS OF GLITTER!!!

UB2

2012-06-09T20:50:00.001-07:00

While checking out a couple of dating sites and even Grindr (r) I see 'ddf and UB2" or "clean"and some times the date of the persons last HIV test. First, I am not a disease, just a man with one living in me.

HIV does not make me or anyone else with it "DIRTY"

Hey I shower regularly, brush my teeth and wear deodorant and cologne when appropriate.

Back to living with a stigma can lead, for me at least, shame if I'm not in a "up" mood.

Today, thanks to a friend of a friend I came across the Stigma Project and thought WOW, how can I get involved and do I want to

Then a co worker pointed out the cover of South Florida Gay News and spread across the front page like a National Enquirer headline is "Kill AIDS before it KILLS You" Needless to say and before we read the article, it was in 100% bad taste & judgement.

We're living longer now, this is NOT the 80's & early 90's

HAART saves, good judgement saves, condoms save

The article is pretty good INSIDE but this "Shock & Awe" cover is so wrong

We Did It: All 5k

2012-05-21T02:07:00.002-07:00

As I got to the beach & found my team, the Pride Center; I knew this would be so much more differant from the AIDS Walks I've done before. 1st, being in sand & not a grassy, muddy park was 'unusual' but then again I live in South East Florida.

By 8:30 am there were already hundreds of people on the beach looking for their own teams & friends.

People of all ages kept coming in too.

One guy had this little bear, DAB the AIDS Bear & I got my photo taken with DAB as did so many others.

After walking on this hot Sunday morning, pretty awesome music followed all from one small stage on the beach ending with the B52s!!

Who new raising funds and awareness & making new friends could be so much fun?

Sunday May 20

2012-05-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

One way I have of "giving back" to those who help me and others who are HIV enhanced is to be active, give time and money: this Sunday I'll be walking in the Florida AIDS Walk. Keeping my anonymity I ask to give to one of the agencies I had experience with: The Pride Center in Equality Park

http://tinyurl.com/pridecenterteam

Will I see you on the walk Sunday morning? If so (and you recognize me) say HEY

Best bud & Disclosure

2012-05-14T23:08:00.001-07:00

My best buddy ever lives (or at least where he has a room, address & such) in a small town in the midwest.

He's pretty open about his HIV status and a fair number of his friends in this small town (think Hooterville) know him from high school. While I & he lived in a big city being HIV positive wasn't THAT much of a big deal. At least odds are enough people know someone who's positive too.

Well, recently my best buddy ever complained that in the course of a week, half a dozen or more of his high school friends defriended him on Facebook because "You have AIDS" Now he and they have been out of high school for 20 or so years so it shouldn't be a big deal but to my best buddy ever, it is

Learning when to disclose isn't easy or to whom or even why. He had NO plans to have sex with these people (currently the only reason one has to disclose) but the small town thinking "just ain't right"

Last week I wore my {HIV POSITIVE} t shirt. I did get a few comments on it but not me (Thank you Wilton Manors) but its not every day wear. I wonder if my best buddy ever would wear this in his small town though it may be his own Red Badge of Courage or Scarlett Letter.

How much longer until we all can live free from bias and not just health matters but in all things.
Race, age, location, etc all make up "These United States" or as President Obama said "There's no red states or blue states but a United States"

Ron Romafosky wrote a song "Living with AIDS"
He's big and he's proud
He's abrasive and loud
He can roar like a lion or be meek as a lamb
God knows he's courageous
And sometimes outrageous
He inspires me to be all that I can
But I'll never forget
The last time we met
How my heart stopped at the story he told
He said "Life can be hard
When it deals you a card
That you never expected to hold."
But then he said "It's not the end
I rely on my friends
For all the affection and love they provide
And maybe with hugs
And without booze and drugs
There is still a good chance that I may survive."
And maybe he will
'Cause he's active still
He goes to the marches and all the parades
He's not giving in
He's determined to win
He's a person who's living with AIDS

San Fransisco Here I come

2012-05-14T22:54:00.001-07:00

There's a big bicycle ride in California next month called AIDS Lifecycle & I'm going not to ride but see how it works. I found this organization called Positive Pedlers & I hope to meet these Knights on carbon molly steeds.

I like their motto "Eliminating stigma through our positive public example."

How bold & daring even though I'm pretty out about my status. I may even buy one of their kick ass jerseys and wear it to the gym or the riding my bike to the beach.

I have my air booked and a guest house reserved. I even have one interview of some one how said he'd be willing to share his story here so I'll finally get a point of view other than my own here

Keeping up

2012-05-04T10:04:00.002-07:00

While sitting at my desk, slow day so far (one client ) I checked out HIV related You Tubes (how to do the 20 minute test) and peoples stories. OMGosh how were the same.

I read this on someone woman's comment on her video

My God! 'You' have HIV? Boy, it really is true that HIV is not always obvious, girl! You look so darned healthy, girl. W-o-w. Pardon my cliche ignorance, girl. Good luck to you, good luck. And keep on looking healthy! Jesus! Thanks for showing us viewers that 'looks' often don't show that a person is positive. By doing just that in itself----just by showing your healthy-looking face to us----, you are educating us... Thanks for that in itself, dear woman.

-------

Rock out that people can be supportive!!

Hope does spring eternal

Next I checked out "ImStillJosh" a 24 year old guy in Tennessee who really has his stuff in order

Check out his blog http://imstilljosh.com/ and have that WOW moment your self.

Never thought I'd do it

2012-05-01T07:18:00.003-07:00

Ok, ok, I'll admit it, I went to a "bath house" this weekend. I've heard stories about them and since there are a couple of options in my town, I picked one that seemed both friendly (define that for your self) and clean.

Who knew a Sunday afternoon would be popular but the parking lot was 80% filled.

Getting in felt like going to a check cashing store in a bad area: bullet proof glass and clerks who were either too busy or just surely.

Got my towel & locker key and headed in. I will admit being impressed by a nice high end fitness gym work out area (wishing I had brought my work out gear) and the bright TV area, clean floors etc.

Just like meeting men in a bar, lots of looking but in a different state of dress or undress as it were, we all wore towels around our waist. No A & F logos to be found felt like a bit of an equalizer.

Well, being the shy guy that I am I was pleased to quickly meet a nice guy who I "entertained" and glad I had condoms & lube with me. That was in this maze of a steam room. I guess two guys making out can bring out everyone (and I MEAN everyone's outer whore) men were grabbing me and this guy.
I politely swatted unwanted hands and focused as I tend to, on one man.

Now that my welcome felt good I showered and walked around to find a pool & hot tub all outside (remember Im from the north and living in SE FL for only 22 months this was intriguing)

Since I really like the meditative feel of hot tubs I got in while two guys were talking.

I added my 2 cents worth and found one guy & I had a friend connection right off. Rico was also new to the area from New York but born in Puerto Rico. Thank goodness I know how to roll my "R"s so our conversation about the Enchanted Isle went smooth.

He and his partner both want to find ways to connect with others not sexually and since Im in the same boat we exchanged numbers.

The rest of the day was uneventful and I left feeling a bit more empty spiritually, The sex was good and a tad risque but a real connection didn't happen with Rico being the exception.

When I left, I was out a few dollars, some lube and the three condoms I came in with.

I did get out in time to hit my own gym and get a legitimate work out in and that felt so much better

Not all about me

2012-04-27T14:13:00.001-07:00

I'm going to try to get stories on other guys experiences with being gay & positive. We are not alone in this

Tonight I'm going to a pizza party/pot luck held by a social group called B.O.L.T. or Bringing Our Lives Together. I've heard a fair number of people who show up at B.O.L.T. events are like me

Better Each Day

2012-04-24T08:58:00.001-07:00

Today would be D's and mine fourth anniversary. Am I sad he left me? Only a bit otherwise I wouldn't be writing about this. I've met some fun guys and far too many who are in the same boat: just out of a relationship.

Do I crave one? Hell yes! It's companionship I desire, a best friend, one man for one man.

Oh I could have (and did) enjoy some non personal connections but in the end I've felt empty.

Each day, I give blessings for health, work and a home of my own (more so that the room mate skipped out)

Jallen Rix wrote a song called "Better Than Before" (sadly I can't find the lryrics) who's words meet me now so I'll end with some from Romanovsky & Phillips

Living with love, not living in fear
Healing with hope and drawing them near
It's a place to begin, it's a step we can take
Empowering people whose lives are at stake
Living with love, not living in fear
Embracing the light when shadows appear
It's a place to begin, it's a good way to start
Releasing the power we hold in our hearts

"Plan to Stay That Way"

2012-04-07T14:39:00.001-07:00

No that I'm back to being single I've been using all the ways available to find a date or such.

This is something no one ever says in person but will write in an online profile

"Negative and plan to stay that way" Understood but why be so blunt? What's wrong with just "Safe"

I never and don't really know anyone who PLANNED on becoming HIV positive. UB2: that's about the same thing

How about we as a community, men who like sex and or the company of men say "I'm honest can UB2?"

Now, how I live, have relations with is our business. I don't and never will judge some one for what may be odd like "panties" "420" "Hard core leather sex" It's all about who you are & like.
Saying online UB2 or Plan on staying that way is, to me, expressing a fear or someone not trusting them selves or being/feeling so powerless to say "NO" to something they don't like

I say NO to liver, No to ice cream and NO to carbs but I'm not compelled to say Plan to never eat them

Ok rant over so lets return to regular programing and as Sergeant Phil Esterhaus: Hey, let's be careful out there.

Real People

2012-02-13T22:03:00.000-08:00

M. is a fiend of mine, a good one (thus the initial of "M" instead of his real name). He's a pretty good entertainer, fun to be with, worldly wise and super out going.

I learned that after a show he likes to "unwind" with some cocktails. Not one or two but a few hours worth. No big deal, he spends a lot of time getting ready and he's really got a one of kind show.

Well, turns out even between shows, he REALLY likes that bar stool. So much so he'll be at one or the other of his favorite places when they open at 9am till about 6pm. Sipping, chatting and after the first hour, telling people how they should run their lives.

Odd thing about M is that he says often, lets go to this place since L, the bar tender is "real people."

Real people to M includes that bartender, all of the other bar tenders at one other place too and any one who agrees with him.

What makes them "real people" I've asked, & "M" says they're genuine and nice. Heck on my job I'm genuine and nice too. People don't pay me (i.e. TIP) to be nice though.

Recently "M" left his phone on the bar at his favorite and most regular place.

Since then he's said "Now I know why people despise going out, they're all mean and unkind"

This past weekend, after the phone loss on Friday he hasn't been out to any of the bars since & today he said, "I think I'll be pulling back on the drinking"

Technically "M" is an alcoholic. Even though he's said he's not his behavior sure fits the mold and after I've dated more than MY fair share of alcoholics, I know one when I see one.

I love "M" so much I started enabling him but in the past four weeks not at all. I leave when he pontificates.

It almost broke up our friendship. After today when he knocked on my door asking for help to get this new phone turned on, he said he'd had enough. Did he admit the real problem?

Time will tell, but until then, he's agreed we'll talk more but that I won't stay friends with some one ingenue about his own self.

Yes, l love "M" and even more so I love myself and will stand my ground to keep my life from going back wards.

That's all any one can do

It's So Big!!

2012-01-25T22:07:00.000-08:00

My little Asus eee machine (notebook computer) had its memory doubled already yet I still over used it.
too much music, lots of photos (I like to watch),massive Power Points (r) and gobs of writing took too much out of what should have been a great back up tool.

It's replacement was and still is a total pain to set up so I bought a DELL inspire something. It's 2x the size of my note books. When setting up the couple of email accounts (one I use mainly for this blog) I realized I hadn't saved my user info. Well now due some fancy searching I found PositiveLines email account and here's my first entry on the DELL.

Soon, after a few more readers & followers join me I can add ads & make some $ here

Add caption

Needs

2011-12-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

Needs, want's & such are IMHO often confused. I know I desire a good relationship, quality friends, health, housing and a decent wage for what I do.

Seeking those is part of setting goals, some thing I try to do and evaluate now & then.
Long term goals and short term goals are often confused (by me at least) so I look at each of them and see where I am with each one

Moving from the cold of the midwest was a 7 year goal and by setting short term goals of working harder, saving more money and adujusting for a major change helped that process and here I am; Sunny Ft Lauderdale.

Becoming certified in one field of work was a goal I had since moving here a year ago. It took a bit longer than I expected but it happened and now I'm working in that field.

Now I'm thinking about what someone said the other day "I'm horny and I want it NOW"
If I don't get laid I'm getting a bathouse membership and getting all I can

Sure, I get or feel desirous of sexual companionship and in no way am I a prude that way but to say out loud "I'm horny and I want it NOW" just didn't sit right. But then again, thats me and since this is my blog & story, well you get the picture.

What that comment did for me was to think about what I do or want when hormones kick in.
Dreaming of the ideal mate helps; thinking up beat thoughts helps; being kind helps and just being there for others does too.

I can say thats what MY needs & wants are: Happiness in a form that fits my style

Just a bit older

2011-12-15T01:38:00.000-08:00

Whoa, what happened? I was just getting used to my age then WHAM like a brick wall, despite the warning signs but who in South Florida pays attention to those, it hit me!! One year older as of Dec. 13.

To keep this blog the "any man" I'll leave it to be my age now ends with a 9.

Should be nothing to write home about so I'll write it here.

With no real plans to do much on a date in mid December when my age ends in a 9, I thought meeting a few friends for a small dinner out would be nice. That changed when Brett said "Honey, for showing me so much about this area I didn't even know existed, I'm gonna cook you up some thing special" and he did

Instead of eating out and with Bretts kitchen being so much smaller than mine, after he spent the day shopping he took over the 5th Ave kitchen making 'ka bobs, bbq ribs, potatoes and what all.

Of course the room mate was on the invite list as well as the man who invited US for Thanksgiving and his man.

We talked & learned more about each other, ate (did I mention Brett cooked a LOT of food?) and just enjoyed a nice quiet night in

Thats a positive life for me :)

Out Out damn Son

2011-12-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

Following up with "I'm Angry" this really REALLY set me off.

A frined of mine who gives his time & rescoures to help others even though his are limted wrote this and this is NOT the first time he's been there for people

I was just asked to help a young man who found out recently that he is HIV positive navigate the system. Seems that when he found out and told his mother, she kicked him out of the house. He is staying with friends but has been traumatized by this. He was also beaten by his brothers when he came out as being gay. It is horrible to think that anyone would have to deal with this in this day and age. Luckily he is staying with friends and is safe.

One comment was:

It saddens me that we as human beings are so judgmental and so cruel. Only when we can look past our differences will we ever be truly free.

One more:

I have never understood how being gay makes you less of a family member. I have never denied you as my brother and I am very open about you being gay. That would be like you denying me for being a housewife. We are who we are

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Much like what happened in Hershey PA this happened right here in Ft Lauderdale where being gay is not out of the norm and Broward CO has a high HIV prevalence.

How can we all work & live together? By living with love & compassion. By being HUMAN

Dan Pallotta said it best "Human Knd: Be Both"

Years ago, I helped a young man in the same situation. Jason Wonder was living in a nice home with a caring (so he thought) family just north of Chicago. When his mom found out he was gay she said "Leave with what you can carry in one trip & don't even take your last name!"

Not too long after counting on friends to couch serf and then finding work while going to collage, Jason contacted HIV. That's when we met. He was strong, smart and understood life: Not bad for a 22 yr old guy living on his own.

Five years after we met (we lost track of each other) his partner called me after searching far & wide since I moved three times in those five years saying Jason was very ill and could I see him

At the hospital, his family was there (not having any contact due to thier part, not his) and were keeping Jason's B/F and buddies out of the room. I didn't stand for that & pointed out he's an adult and didn't want his mom there but his friends & me